Integritopia
22-08-2008, 05:08
"ZOMBIES A NUISANCE, SAY SOME"
World News
-Breaking News-
BELLTON-Integritopia
Bellton is known throughout the democratic nation of Integritopia for its award-winning pies and unique brand of "no nonsense" patriotism. However, locals were stunned last Friday when they discovered that their departed loved ones were stalking the streets, muttering incoherently, and expressing an insatiable craving for human flesh.
For many residents, the recent zombie revival allows heart-warming reunions with family members and friends that were once thought impossible.
"Sure he tries to eat the children," said Mildred, the regionally famous owner of five blue-ribbon hogs, "but it's nice to see Charles again."
Not everyone sees the 'bright' side of the recent 'living dead' event, however. "Property values are pretty bad," said Mark, a Bellton Real Estate Agent and permanent death enthusiast. "I mean, even in areas with GREAT schools, people can't get past the zombie thing. Don't you value education??"
The government, recognizing the complicated social issues that have arisen, recently issued a statement calling the zombies "bothersome...but not really dangerous...on par with feral pigs and...racoons."
But could these zombies actually hurt Bellton residents? Absolutely. Fred, a local, bitterly recalls how he lost his cashier job at Fast Burrito to a zombie that would work without sick leave. "I mean, how can I compete?? I even tried to get my job back, but the manager was already eaten...these things should go back to where they came from!"
A small percentage of Bellton citizens agree with Fred's frustration. "These zombies don't even speak English," exclaimed Phil, the head-member of an anti-zombie group that had probably had a bit to drink. "We need to build a fence around graveyards, and patrol the fence...you're only a citizen for ONE LIFETIME!"
Human rights advocates have ardently voiced their objection to what they perceive as "bigoted" and "narrow-minded" treatment of zombies by some. "They're still people...sort of" noted Moonbeam, head of Fair Treatment for Zombies (FTZ), and a recreational drug user. "If we start calling them 'flesh eaters' and 'abominations,' we're just hurting a very proud and hungry people."
While public tolerance of the zombies might be less-than-preferable for the time being, Bellton residents refuse to lose hope. Several prominent members of Congress have expressed a desire to usher in Pro-Zombie legislation. "Our goal is to have every zombie employed by 2020," said Representative Hopf, "I would love to go to Hal-Mart and be welcomed by a member of the 'recently deceased.'"
When asked to comment, an area zombie extended his arms and lovingly bit our World News Correspondent. "We..ve....mis...judged...them," added the obviously flattered correspondent, "Ugh...."
World News
-Breaking News-
BELLTON-Integritopia
Bellton is known throughout the democratic nation of Integritopia for its award-winning pies and unique brand of "no nonsense" patriotism. However, locals were stunned last Friday when they discovered that their departed loved ones were stalking the streets, muttering incoherently, and expressing an insatiable craving for human flesh.
For many residents, the recent zombie revival allows heart-warming reunions with family members and friends that were once thought impossible.
"Sure he tries to eat the children," said Mildred, the regionally famous owner of five blue-ribbon hogs, "but it's nice to see Charles again."
Not everyone sees the 'bright' side of the recent 'living dead' event, however. "Property values are pretty bad," said Mark, a Bellton Real Estate Agent and permanent death enthusiast. "I mean, even in areas with GREAT schools, people can't get past the zombie thing. Don't you value education??"
The government, recognizing the complicated social issues that have arisen, recently issued a statement calling the zombies "bothersome...but not really dangerous...on par with feral pigs and...racoons."
But could these zombies actually hurt Bellton residents? Absolutely. Fred, a local, bitterly recalls how he lost his cashier job at Fast Burrito to a zombie that would work without sick leave. "I mean, how can I compete?? I even tried to get my job back, but the manager was already eaten...these things should go back to where they came from!"
A small percentage of Bellton citizens agree with Fred's frustration. "These zombies don't even speak English," exclaimed Phil, the head-member of an anti-zombie group that had probably had a bit to drink. "We need to build a fence around graveyards, and patrol the fence...you're only a citizen for ONE LIFETIME!"
Human rights advocates have ardently voiced their objection to what they perceive as "bigoted" and "narrow-minded" treatment of zombies by some. "They're still people...sort of" noted Moonbeam, head of Fair Treatment for Zombies (FTZ), and a recreational drug user. "If we start calling them 'flesh eaters' and 'abominations,' we're just hurting a very proud and hungry people."
While public tolerance of the zombies might be less-than-preferable for the time being, Bellton residents refuse to lose hope. Several prominent members of Congress have expressed a desire to usher in Pro-Zombie legislation. "Our goal is to have every zombie employed by 2020," said Representative Hopf, "I would love to go to Hal-Mart and be welcomed by a member of the 'recently deceased.'"
When asked to comment, an area zombie extended his arms and lovingly bit our World News Correspondent. "We..ve....mis...judged...them," added the obviously flattered correspondent, "Ugh...."