NationStates Jolt Archive

"And you're on in...5...4...3...2...1...action!" The director, Roy Abdullah McHooley, was a mid-level kind of director, having made a few hit reality TV shows and produced a couple of successful local television stations (whose successes had absolutely nothing to do with him, naturally). It was unprecedented, however, for someone of his stature (or lack thereof) to be directing something of this magnitude.

On the other side of the camera was, well, Pierce Brosnan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierce_Brosnan). Yes, Pierce Brosnan. And the massive actor, who had not at all been consulted or had royalties paid to before becoming a part of the this rather crudely-written RP-sketch, began to speak. "Welcome to Women's International News (WIN!). I'm your host, Pierce Brosnan."

"No, no, no, no, nononononoNO!" McHooley, the director, ran out onto the middle of the camera angle, staring angrily at the figure of a former James Bond. For a second, he admired the whitish beard that the actor is shwith in his Wikipedia picture, but then he spoke. Rudely. "You're James Bond, not some lackey actor! Why don't you read what I wro-wro-wro-wro-t-t-t-t-t?" He collapsed, blubbering, into tears.

"I'm sorry, Mr. McHooley, but in the contract I signed, I'm, well, myself. And why would James Bond host Women's International News, anyway? Why didn't you get some responsible, intelligent, successful career woman - like Oprah Winfrey, or Paris Hilton, anyway?" The actor's look was perfect. He's a good actor, you see?

"Tried 'em both. Rates are higher than yours." McHooley muttered. "Anyway, I'll let that pass. Just stick to the script, okay?" Pierce Brosnan nodded, in his stately, awesome way. "Opening sequence, take two. 5...4...3...2...1...action!"

"Welcome to Women's International News (WIN!). I'm your host, Pierce Brosnan, and this is the news!" Brosnan waited for the creepy techno-ish-music to subside before continuing. "Our top story - FAIL fails at failing, as they are elected to host the football tournament for new nations! This is a failure at failing for FAIL, all covered by WIN - all right, I'm off script." Brosnan had cast aside the bundle of papers on his desk and he was clearly irritated. "Who wrote this garbage of a script? The puns are just, well, horrific."

"I did." McHooley spoke back. "and it's the 1093rd version, thank you very much. Just stick to the script, okay? This one time? Then we can work together to make it later?"

"Sure." Brosnan said, then muttered to himself, "this Baptism of Fire better be good, if I'm going to be working with this guy to cover it."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Welcome to...

Baptism of Fire 29!

Apologies for the totally-unecessary-and-utterly-insane post above - I sort of let my imagination run amok. But, hey, that's what RP'ing is about, isn't it? That's (sort of) what we're trying to cultivate at the Baptism of Fire - not necessarily badly-written stuff, but imaginative, and interesting, posts. My own is a bit of a bad example, but even a tiny peek around this forum (especially at the sport-related topics) should give you a good idea of what a bad RP is like. And this tournament is the one you're allowed to practice on.

Welcome to the Baptism of Fire. A short explanation of what this tournament is intended to do is available here (http://wikistates.outwardhosting.com/wiki/Baptism_of_Fire). The Baptism of Fire is basically a tournament for newer nations (whether new to RP'ing overall, or just new to sports RP) to showcase their skills, improve their ability, and just generally to have fun. If you're new to RP'ing, I'd encourage you to check out this thread (just click here!) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=543994), and have a look around at some of the stuff inside of it, as well as some of the threads it links to. At the top of the forums "International Incidents" and "Nationstates" are a few other good threads that I would also encourage you to have a look at.

So, if you've got past the part of understanding what RP is (or you were aware of it already), you're probably asking "well, what's this whole sports RP'ing thing about anyway?" There's something on that to read, too, if you want to - it's the World Cup FAQ (and, yes, this is a link). (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/world_cup_faqs.html) The FAQ basically tells about what the World Cup is, tells about scorination, about role-play, and such. I'd heartily recommend you read it (though, I'll do my best to summarize some of the more important parts. Read it anyway, though).

What happens is that you, the participant, RP's, and then the host(s) goes to their computer, "rates" your RP, plugs that "rating" into a program that generates scores (the better the RP, the better the chance for a win), and then posts those scores. This is called scorination. The posting of those scores then gives you things to RP about, and the cycle continues. Sounds a little boring the way I describe it, doesn't it? Well, it's not. People I know have had really interesting plot-lines run through the World Cup, have come up with really interesting ways for their games to have occurred - what can happen in a game is really only bounded by your imagination.

How important is RP? In this tournament (and, indeed, in every tournament), RP'ing is very important. If you RP, the chance that you will win goes much higher. The way that the hosts of this Baptism of Fire are rating RP's, it is much better to take your time on longer, more in-depth posts, than shorter, less-interesting ones - so, if you have the time, try to put effort into your posts. That's especially important in the Baptism of Fire, because here all nations start on the same playing field - everyone is ranked the same, and the only thing that separates you here is your RP'ing. So, RP well in the BoF, and there's a good chance you'll win!

Now, one of you (or maybe more) might be wondering, "if anything can happen, what if my players die? I don't want them to die!" Well, that's where the RP permissions box comes in handy. When you're posting your roster, be sure to have this box:

If my opponent posts first, he/she may:

Choose my scorers? Yes/No
Yellow card my players? Yes/No
Red card my players? Yes/No
Injure my players? Yes/No
Godmode injuries? Yes/No
Godmode scoring events? Yes/No
Godmode other events? Yes/No

And if you're RP'ing first, make sure you check out your opponent's RP permissions box before you post, so that you don't do something they don't want! Oh, and while we're on the subject, please post a roster (list of players). It really helps the other RP'ers - and you get a bonus!

A few other things - this account "Yafalonia and Bazor 2", is actually run by two users (you can find us under "Bazalonia" and (me) "Yafor 2"). This is my (Yafor 2's) first go at hosting, but Bazalonia has hosted lots of things before, so there's experience here. Even so, we've both RP'ed for a LONG time, so if you have questions, don't hesitate to ask! We're always ready to help.

Also, please have fun. We're going to try our best to make this experience thoroughly enjoyable. If you have comments or concerns, just say so, and we'll address them as soon as possible.

Here's a few other threads you might want to have a look at:
- Our Bid Thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=559522), which outlines more information about our bid, and provides stadium information, as well.
- The Last BoF (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=556941), so that you can have examples and things.
- An Article on the NSWC (http://wikistates.outwardhosting.com/wiki/World_Cup), which can't hurt.

Thanks!

~Yafalonia and Bazor 2 (both users!)

Participating Nations:

Lingdinis Insania
Ron Paulovia
Cauci
West Zirconia
Land de Wood
Cypron
Magna Sancta Sedes
Spazican States
Icy Cold Death Touch
New Zomboria
Kanji Starter
Nuevos Aires
Liventia
Tomarian
An Blascaod Mor
Greal

http://s237.photobucket.com/albums/ff41/838millionman/th_Grealflag56-1.jpg
Greal announces its World Cup Squad

Home Kit (http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff41/838millionman/GrlHome4.jpg?t=1217507061)
Away Kit (http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff41/838millionman/GrlAway455.jpg?t=1217507095)

Team Formation
4-3-4


# 1 GK Raul Grunt
# 2 DEF Henry Watson
# 3 DEF Richard Turner
# 4 DEF Mecca Oma
# 5 DEF Sam Hardy
# 6 MID Howard Anderson
# 7 MID John Igor (Captain)
# 8 MID Francis Volodislav
# 9 FOR Michael Istoma
# 10 FOR Ross Trent
# 11 FOR Qin Lang


# 12 GK Ivan Wilson
# 13 DEF Kash Fraser
# 14 DEF Edward (Eddie) Towner
# 15 DEF Fred Murrow
# 16 DEF Shia Adamson
# 17 MID Adam Fan
# 18 MID James Peters
# 19 MID Tony Soaps
# 20 MID Paul Turton
# 21 FOR Oliver Dickens
# 22 FOR Eko Tasser
# 23 GK Dennis Willows


If my opponent posts first, he/she may:

Choose my scorers?: Yes
Yellow card my players?: Yes
Red card my players?: No
Injure my players?: Yes (I'll determine the severity)
Godmode injuries?: No
Godmode scoring events?: No
Godmode other events?: No

The An Blascaod Mór Baptism of FAIL squad

http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/7308/abm2fr6.png (http://imageshack.us)

Starting eleven

GK: Tomás O'Neil
RB: Braden Doyle
LB: Kenny Krouger
CB: George O'Sullivan
CB: Patty O'Shea
RM: Patrick O'Donovan
LM: Donald O'Donnell
CM: Dougal McGuire
CM: Patrick Doyle
FC: Muris O'Sullivan
FC: Tomás O'Sullivan

Subs

GK: Tomás Hardy
CB: Ciarán Mac an Bhainbh
RB or LB: Fearchar O'Echtighearn
CM: Risteárd MacGeraghty
RM or LM: Maitiú MacGeraghty
FC: Patsy-Mathúin An Filla
FC: Ailín Mac Giolla Ruaidh

Kits

Home & Away
http://img367.imageshack.us/img367/3923/abmhomeid6.png (http://imageshack.us)http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/1066/abmawayim6.png (http://imageshack.us)


I Give My Opponent Permission
(and actively encourage them) To:
====================
Choose My Scorers
Yellow card my players
Red card my players
Injure my players
Possibly GodMod Other Events (PM either An Blascaod Mór or Sorthern Northland on NS if you want to)
====================

Style: +5
An Blascad Mor will naively try to score one more than you.

RPing notes.

An Blascaod Mór is a tiny nation which is proud just to represent itself on an international scale. Even a 7-0 thrashing will be deemed a success if someone who had never heard of the country before learns of it (and the local pub is good, even a clean sheet or a goal will merit a national holiday). All 143 citizens of the island will be at the tournament supporting the team and will be about as load as 143 people (minus the 17 players) can be. Neutral fans are also welcomed with open arms by the ABM support. A large number (roughly 1,500) of Sorthern Northland will also be there to support their neighbours. The nation also leads a perhaps primitive lifestyle lacking things such as roads (and therefore all forms of transport except donkey and boats), TV's, computers and electricity and the like. This is not to say they are unaware of these things and find them foreign as they can be found easily should an Islanders visit the Sorthern Northland mainland. The players will though find big city's and playing in a ground that is more than just a patch of grass a new experience.

http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b68/NSLE/NationStates/leflagnew.jpg

PRESS RELEASE
For immediate release

The Football Association of Liventia (formerly the Football Association of Liverpool England) is proud to confirm the nation's re-entry onto the international football stage with the national team's acceptance into the Baptism of Fire tournament for WC42.

Liventia, a former two-time world champion from its days as Liverpool England (WC8, WC24), left the World Cup following its failure to qualify for World Cup 33, nearly thirty years ago. The state of football in the country quickly fell into ruins; multiple attempts to get the High League back up and running failed miserably. The subsequent political troubles in the country, which resulted in total reform of the constitution, has now produced one thing: a new footballing future for the nation.

Liventia's team for the Baptism of Fire, and subsequent World Cup 42 teams, have almost no professional experience playing football, therefore as of now there is not much information to do write-ups on them. However, the coaches involved do have much experience, including the manager: World Cup 32 captain Giovanni Toulmin, who's now nearly 45. His assistant, Jeff Houser, was also a part of the WC32 team, in which he was the youngest starter.

Manager: Giovanni TOULMIN, 45
Assistant: Jeff HOUSER, 43
Modifier (if any): +2
Tactic: 3-1-4-2-1

Starters are bolded.

Goalkeepers
1. Nathan BELL, 21
13. Sam BELL, 21
14. Adrian BELL, 18
All three goalkeepers, from the same family, impressed Toulmin and Houser in selection trials. Nathan and Sam are non-identical twins.

Defenders
2. Alex CARTER, 23, DC
4. Kyle MILLER, 19, DC
5. Julian LEE, 22, DC
19. Jacob HUGHES, 20, D/WB L
21. Ethan MURPHY, 23, D/WB R
22. Kenneth HOUSER, 19, D/DM C
Houser is the son of assistant manager and former World Cup defender Jeff, who has been called up on advice of his father. However, he has not been handed a starting role. He is expected to come on mostly as a substitute, mostly for Miller, although also occasionally for Marshall.

Midfielders
3. Colin MARSHALL, 22, DMC, captain, penalty kick taker
6. Dominic CLARKE, 27, MC
7. Brian HILL, 25, MC
12. Ryan SMITH, 20, MR
8. Alex HALL, 24, ML
15. David SIMPSON, 18, MC
16. Caleb POWELL, 19, M R/C
Marshall has been handed the captaincy based on leadership skills he showed during selection trials. Marshall, who trained in Ad’ihan under Luke Evans when he was a few years younger, is thought to be the brightest prospect in the country.

Strikers
9. Carson SHAW, 24, AMC, vice-captain, free-kick taker
10. Ian GREEN, 22, AMC
11. Aaron SCOTT, 20, ST
17. Steven ROGERS, 23
18. Tyler MORRIS, 20
23. Gabriel CAMPBELL, 18
24. David TURNER, 19
Shaw, who is the only professional in the squad, plays for Ad’ihani second division side Altsend, and is thought to be a rough diamond. His skills need a bit of polishing, but he has a deadly free-kick.

If my opponent posts first, he/she may:
Choose my scorers
Book my players
Send my players off — only for second bookable offences
Injure my players — no tournament- or career-ending injuries
Godmod (have fun with and be creative with) scoring and other events

He/she should not:
Send my players off directly
Critically injure my players (see above)
Godmod injuries to my team

We are delighted to exclusively announce the Land de Wood squad for the forthcoming Baptism of Fire.
The Baptism of Fire for those who don't know is a warm up tournament for the world cup for those nations who have never been involved the world cup before, which includes ourselves, despite our Oxen Cup and Di Bradini Cup appearances.
Newmanistan have already installed us as favourites, but this competition is all about the unknown and this could be where we fall down. Others would have seen us at the Oxen Cup and Di Bradini Cup and so we will lack the element of surprise that they may have. However, manager Andrew Wood has included a few players who were not at either tournament to spice things up a little. So on to the squad.

Jonathon Horse plays GK for Wood Town and is 30 years old
Given a chance in the last game of the Oxen Cup but didn't really impress.

Patrick Clemence plays GK for New Dorset Stars and is 27 years old
First choice goalie at the Oxen Cup and looks likely to keep his place.

Gary Nicol plays GK for Broxton United and is 34 years old
Is just passed his peak

Ray Hamil plays RB for Broxton United and is 21 years old
Young right back ready, likes to get down that right flank and overlap the winger.

David Aimer plays RB or CB for Coalfires United and is 30 years old
Right footed defender at the peak of his career.


Gary Lewis plays CB for Broxton United and is 29 years old
Tall centre back, great to have around for set pieces at either end of the pitch. Also possible captain.

Stephen Diddon plays CB or DM for Wood Limited and is 23 years old
Centre defender equally happy at anchoring the midfield. Expected to make some tough tackles and will do well to escape without a yellow card this tournament. His commitment and passion make him a likely future captain as he matures.

John Bell plays CB for Woodham and is 29 years old
Another one who missed out on the Oxen Cup squad but after a good league season is being given his chance at the Baptism of Fire.

Angel Guild plays CB for Northern Lights and is 31 years old
Missed out on a place in the Oxen Cup squad but it is felt his experience could count for something here at the Baptism of Fire.

Stephen Sterland plays LB or CB for New Dorset Stars and is 32 years old
Possible just past his peak as a player, has moved into the centre of defense recently as he has lost that yard of pace he used to have

Woodrow Derby plays LB for Broxton United and is 23 years old
Up and coming left back with plenty of pace to overlap the winger, just has to make sure he gets back in time, possibly better as a wingback in a 3-5-2 system.

Richard Butty plays DM for Broxton United and is 30 years old
Tough tackling defensive midfielder. Expect him to get stuck in.

Aaran Whitemore plays RW for Woodhampton Rovers and is 24 years old
Good crosser of the ball. Denis Whitemore's brother.

Tom Darkless plays RW or AM for Southern Village and is 21 years old
Right sided player, good down the winger and behind the front man, possibly not quite ready for the full international team yet.


Gary Workhorse plays CM for New Dorset Stars and is 32 years old
A box to box player, only question mark would be whether he still has the stamina to get around the park as much as he used to.

Larry Derby plays CM for Southern Village and is 30 years old
A centre midfielder at the peak of his game. Woodrow Derby's cousin.

David Clemance plays CM or AM for Wood Limited and is 24 years old
Centre midfielder who likes to get forward. Just as likely to score a goal as set one up.

Ray Horse plays AM or CS for Woodhampton Rovers and is 30 years old
Attackive midfielder at the peak of his game, can be switched to attack as a second striker. Expect him to get some assists but needs to improve his own goals per game ratio.

Kevin Wallace plays LW or RW for New Dorset Stars and is 21 years old
A winger with tons of pace, certainly one for the future but may be a useful substitute to terrorise tired defenders.

Stephen Redrow plays LW or CS for Northern Lights and is 26 years old
Whether playing down the left wing, or up front can be relied on to put the effort in, but not one for the spectacular, still you need consistent players at major tournaments.

Steve Eclair plays CS for Broxton United and is 31 years old
Arguably past his best, this striker may well be at his last tournament unless he does something brilliant.

Richard Higgins plays CS for Wood Limited and is 21 years old
Struggled to break into the first 11 at the Oxen Cup but did well at the Di Bradini Cup and finished joint 2nd top scorer in the league

Katsuhito Boyd plays CS for Wood Limited and is 29 years old
Missed out on a place in the Oxen Cup squad but having finished joint 2nd top scorer in the league has been given a place in this squad.

Gary Hoggins plays TM for Southern Village and is 29 years old
Reliable target man at the peak of his career. Equally happy heading the ball to a team mate running into space as heading the ball into the back of the net.

Our official kit and 1st 11 has been announced here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13890982&postcount=16)

______________________________________
Our opponents may
Choose my scorers? Yes
Yellow card my players? Yes
Red card my players? Yes
Injure my players? Yes
Godmode injuries? No
Godmode scoring events? No
Godmode other events? No

http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm1/Starblayde/ediraf/WZrcHome4.jpg

After what may would have considered a warm-up in the Oxen Cup, West Zirconia embark on the real footballing adventure with their entry into the Baptism of Fire.

Coach Roy Hazell has made a few changes to the squad that went to Qazox. Two of the starting eleven - the erratic Glenn Charlton and the ill-tempered Gareth Doyle - have been left out of the side, to be replaced with Markham's Matt Evans and Banks' Lee Pritchard.
Jerome Bennett will now start, replacing Matthew Love, who is relegated to the bench.
The two newcomers to the side will be former Stanley United midfielder Ceri Hall, who hopes that this tournament will help him to find a new club, and Lewis Fox of St. Andrew's.

The first eleven will be as follows:

GK Steve Gray (Banks)
DL Ben Phillips (c) (Moorcroft City)
DC Matt Evans (Markham)
DC Michael Faulkner (Markham)
DR Paul Paterson (Bradley Hornets)
ML Ian Hawthorne (Civil Service)
MC Lee Pritchard (Banks)
MC Edward French (Banks)
MR Anthony McGowan (Markham)
FW Steve Griffiths (Banks)
FW Jerome Bennett (Taylor's Cross)

The remainder of the squad is as follows:

Goalkeepers: John Hopkins (St. Andrew's), Tom Lyons (Civil Service)

Defenders: Ryan Gregory (Bradley Hornets), Nathan Winterton (Civil Service), Lewis Fox (St. Andrew's)

Midfielders: Ceri Hall (unattached), Patrick Williams (St. Martin University), Damion Hyde (New Toronto).

Forwards: Martin Forster (Moorcroft City), Mark Young (St. Andrew's), Matthew Love (Banks)


-----------------------


And now for the OOC bit:
In the event of opponents RP-ing first, the following applies:

Choose my goalscorers Y
Godmod scoring events N
RP injuries to my players Y
Godmod injuries to my players N
Hand out yellow cards to my players Y
Hand out red cards to my players Y
Godmod other events N

OOC: I know WHF not in this one, but I feel the need to introduce my team before the real thing starts somehow.

IC:

In a mystery location in the wastelands of We Hate Football, a small crowd of people are gathered. One of them carries a box to the front, stands upon it and speaks...

"The news is in! Our sign up has been received for entry to World Cup 42!"

The crowd cheer.

"Now, if I understand the rules about this kind of thing correctly, this means we are also entitled to an entry for the Baptism of Fire tournament. Which means we'll be setting off for Yafalonia and Bazor 2 in the morning!"

The crowd cheer again

"Now, can we have a round of applause for Mr Anderson, whose money has made all of this possible."

The crowd applaud.

"Mr Anderson has paid to charter a jet that will fly us to the tournament. And once we have arrived, he's arranged for us to stay in a luxury hotel, and he's ordered some new kits from ediraf that we're going to wear."

This point gets a few ironic cheers.

"Yes, I know it's hard to play football in our homeland. But you know the trouble we'd get in if they found out. We're still going to have to play heavily disguised in any home games, but for away games we should be OK now. And we're setting off to the tournament nice and early to get some practice in our new kit. Anyroad, we'll meet here, 6 a.m. tomorrow. Next stop, Yafalonia and Bazor 2!"

The crowd cheers and applauds for a minute or so, before slowly filing out of the area. The anticipation that their dream was about to come true was building.

His Holy Eminence, the Supreme Pontiff SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS, has conferred with the College of Cardinals and selected a most Holy and Perfect football team (not that they necessarily play football perfectly).

Coach
Saint Thomas Aquinas

Goalkeepers
1 - Saint Petrus Chrysologus
12 - Saint Bonaventura

Defenders
2 - Saint Augustinus
3 - Saint Teresia Lexoviensis
4 - Saint Albertus Magnus
13 - Saint Athanasius Alexandrinus
14 - Saint Beda Venerabilis

Midfield
5 - Saint Bernardus Claraevallensis
6 - Saint Alphonsus Maria de Ligorio
7 - Saint Antonius Patavinus
8 - Saint Laurentius de Brundisiis
9 - Saint Cyrillus Alexandrinus
10 - Saint Cyrillus Hierosolymitanus
15 - Saint Catharina Senensis
16 - Saint Iohannes Chrysostomus
17 - Saint Basilius Magnus
18 - Saint Isidorus Hispalensis

Strikers
11 - Saint Ioannes a Cruce
19 - Saint Anselmus Cantuariensis
20 - Saint Theresia Iesu


Players #1-11 usually start
Yes, they're all dead, but that's the power of the resurrection for you!
RPing strongly encouraged, anything and everything, short of killing, conversion, and red cards.
As saints, the Most Holy Team of Magna Sancta Sedes will not willingly commit a travesty unless God commanded them to do it.


If my opponent posts first, he/she may:

Choose my scorers;
Yellow card my players;
NOT! Red card my players;
Injure my players;
Godmode injuries;
Godmode scoring events;
Godmode other events, within reason.

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS has decried the present BoF hosts for FAILing to create a BoF banner. "Whereas the heathens may gather under a banner, we have none to say that we are of this era," he spoke cryptically. The Most Holy Representative Football Team of Magna Sancta Sedes has petitioned to FAIL for the arrangement of a beautiful banner to adore this tournament. "Because every good tournament deserves one, and I'm pretty sure that WIN wants to have one," the statement said. As to the awkward reference to WIN, the Team released another statement, suggesting that they were confused by the opening ceremonies.

caps) goals
* = star players

Manager: Fabio Trappatoni
Assissant: Paolo Baresi

SQUAD-

gk: Roy Robinson (21)
gk: Peter Seemen (75)*
gk: Mark Shilton (5)

d: Bobby Wilkins (90)*
d: Rio Moore (62) 1
d: Ledly Terry (19)
d: John Campbell (21) 2
d: Sol King (79) 4
d: Mark Woodgate (11) 1
d: James Taylor (27) 2

m: David Gascgoine (98) 15*
m: Darren Beckham (101) 20*
m: Matt Ince (49) 8
m: Jack Gerrard (74) 7
m: Steven Lampard (22) 5
m: Frank Barry (25) 2
m: Steven Scholes (100) 32*
m: Gareth White (10) 3

s: Kevin Shearer (c) (110) 70**
s: Alan Hurst (54) 14
s: Les Owen (92) 41*
s: Micheal Ferdinand (14) 9
s: Joey Cole (10) 5

Formation:
Attacking 4-4-2 diamond.

Starting 11:

GK: Seemen
RB: Rio Moore
LB: James Taylor
CB: Bobby Wilkins
CB: Sol King
DM: David Gascgoine
RM: Darren Beckham
LM: Jack Gerrard
AM: Steven Scholes
ST: Kevin Shearer
ST: Les Owen

Home Kit:

Shirt: Adidas - Blue Main, White collars, white adidas stripes
Shorts: Adidas - Blue, white adidas stripes.
Socks: Adidas - White, blue hooped rings at the top

Away Kit:
(Adidas)

Shirt: White main, black collar, black adidas stripes.
Shorts: Black main, white adidas stripes.
Socks: Black main, white hoops at the top.

Logo:

Tiger bursting out of the nations flag.


If my opponent posts first, he/she may:
Choose my scorers
Book my players
Send my players off — only for second bookable offences
Injure my players — no tournament- or career-ending injuries
Godmod: scoring and other events

He/she should not:
Send my players off directly
Critically injure my players
Godmod injuries to my team

((OOC-Just to clear up any confusion. i TGed Y&B2 earlier that they forgot to add me to the BoF list despite my signing up for it a month or so ago, so they told me they'd add me and to go ahead and put up my lineup. though to this point they haven't edited the entiries to include me just yet.))

Style 4-2-2-2
Modifier (-1)


Coach- Bjorn Vorkmann- age 55- Bjorn was a great player in his day and was named as the team’s first international coach. Known to complain a lot when the weather breaks 50F it will be a test to see how well he’ll function in the warmer climates. He has chosen a mostly young team hoping their young blood will be more easily adaptable to the harsh warmer climates.

Strikers-
Albin Dufendur- age 22 (starter)- a young hotshot he has been known to heat up the field with his breakneck style of play.

Aina Luffindor- age 24 (starter)- a former model she got bored with that life and threw herself into her newest passion –soccer. No telling how long before she’ll be bored with this but male fans are hoping it will be a while.

Bernt Abransom- age 26 (reserve)- a member of the naval patrol squad on detached duty due to his skill on the soccer field. Bernt is an adept penalty kicker.

Forward
Ebbe Johanson- age 25 (starter) Ebbe was the star forward of the Anaboug Geysers and clear choice to make the world cup squad in its first go around. The best passer in the country and one of its better ballhandlers as well.

Eric Bjorkman- age 22 (starter) Eric is a solid all-round option on the field versatile enough to move up to striker or back to the midfield as needed.

Emilia Ohllson- age 21 (reserve) Emilia finished second to Ebbe in assists last season though she is not the ballhandler the other two are which explains her being relegated to the bench at this point.

Midfield-
Jasper Marley- age 24 (starter) the lone starter of British descent Jacob has been a steady presence on the field and is nicknamed the ‘General’ for the way he controls the field of play.

Hanna Taube- age 24 (starter) Hanna is the neice of Coach Vorkmann and many feel that is the only reason why she is here. However she has been one of the league’s better players though few would claim she was an elite player. She will have to earn her spot in the eyes of many.

Henrik Anderson- age 27 (reserve) thought by many to be the one deserving of the starters spot he surprisingly doesn’t seem bothered by the decision. The best defender of the three midfielders on the roster.

Defense-
Jon Dahlin- age 26 (starter) the three time defender of the year Dahlin is considered the linchpin of the defense and has a lot of pressure on him to carry the team to respectability.

Karl Goranst- age 22 (starter) The German rep of the squad has made his way to the team by being the top defender on the Hodulou Huskies in their run to the league finals last season. He is expected to be a solid compliment to Dahlin on the other side.

Kristina Uggla- age 20 (starter) Kristina was this year’s rookie of the year in the league and big things are expected from her in the future.

Lara Kraft- age 21 (starter) Lara is the daughter of Olle Kraft- a former soccer star in his own day before his tragic death at sea some 12 years ago. Picking up where her father left off Lara has been showing signs of improvement in both her seasons in the league.

Paul Kraft- age 18 (reserve) the younger brother of Lara, Paul is expected to one day better both his sister and father on the field though his presence here this time is to primarily gain experience at this time.

My opponent, if they RP first, may:
Choose my goalscorers Y
Godmod Scoring Events N
RP injuries to my players N
Godmod injuries to my players N
Hand out Yellow cards to my players Y
Hand out Red cards to my players N
Godmod Other Events Y

"WHAT!?!?!"

"I'm afraid your name isn't on the list."

"But we're in the World Cup for the first time, that means we can enter your tournament. HOW CAN WE NOT BE ON THE LIST!?!?!"

"You're not on the list. Your application arrived too late, you can't take part."

"But... but... can't we take someone else's place? I mean... look at this list... surely one of them hasn't turned up or has to withdraw or something... anything!!!"

"Look, your name is only on the reserve list. If one more team had entered, you would be in. But they haven't, so you're not. So if you would please leave, or I'll call security."

The WHF representative starts to leave disheartened, as the phone rang behind the desk.

--------------------

"What's wrong?"

"We're not in."

"What do you mean, we're not in?"

"Well, you know the tournament? The one we're here to play in? Well, we're not in it."

"But, how can we not be in it?"

"They over-subscribed. And, as one of the three latest entrants, we were taken of the entry list."

"So what do we do now?"

"Well, we are first reserve. So we can always hang around and hope that someone drops out."

"And if they don't?"

"Well, if they don't... you know how we have to play in disguise back home?"

"Yeeeees..."

"Well, I've got a plan..."

The WHF team manager is talking with their representative...

"We can't just turn up and pretend we're another team!"

"Why not?"

"Well, for starters, what are the team from Nuevos Aires going to think when we turn up claiming to be them?"

"I'm sure they'll be grateful for the day off!"

"Of course they won't! They'll want to get a decent performance in before the proper cup kicks off as much as we do!"

"Possibly..."

"And they'll have an entire nation back home wondering what the hell has happened to their team! They'll be famous back home. We're not going to get away with it!"

"Well..."

"And how do you plan to stop them form playing? Kidnap the team? Ambush the coach on the way to the stadium?"

"Well, the plan does have a few draw backs. But I'm sure it's workable somehow."

"It's not happening. We're going home, and that's final!"

"But..."

"But nothing. I'm going to tell everyone to start packing. We're leaving!"

Just at this point, the representative receives a mobile phone call. He answers.

"Hello... Yes, we're still in the country... We can... Great!... You want our official roster submitting? We'll have it over to you in a flash!... Thank you... Goodbye."

The team manager looks up at the representative.

"Looks like we're staying, then!"

-------------------------

If my opponent posts first, he/she may:

Choose my scorers? Yes (Though we wish you luck)
Yellow card my players? Yes
Red card my players? Yes
Injure my players? Yes, though not too many of them
Godmode injuries? Yes, as above
Godmode scoring events? Yes
Godmode other events? Ask first, please. Though I won't usually decline.

In the interest of security, the We Hate Football National Football Team will be using a system of anonymity to protect their players upon returning home. If anyone finds out who any of them are, they will have life made unbearable in their homeland.

The truth is, though, that the team from WHF do not actually hate football themselves. It's more a national hatred of the game, and all things associated with it. Indeed, most people in WHF do not acknowledge that the events of any football matches taking place, and are therefore oblivious to events. Only the small number who follow the squad will be present.

The team will wear either green and white or grey kits, supplied by ediraf. We'll show you them once they arrive from the factory. Needless to say, they won't be a bestseller.

The only character involved with the squad with a known name is Mr Anderson, the team's financial backer. However, nobody really knows who he is.

Our Association is not known as the We Hate Football Football Association, as you might think. It is in fact called "Football Lovers Anonymous" (FLA), which is a fitting name, as that's exactly what they are back home.

Hopefully this tells you sufficient information about our team without giving away any names that could put our players at risk.

Thank you.

P.S. We usually play in a standard 4-4-2 formation.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v338/Oli55/BaptismofFAILlogo.png

Baptism of FAIL 29

Group 1
Lingdinis Insania
Kanji Starter
Glaycia
Tomarian

Group 2
Spazican States
Cauci
Ron Paulovia
Magna Sancta Sedes


Group 3
Land de Wood
Nuevos Aires
We Hate Football
West Zirconia


Group 4
Greal
Cypron
New Zomboria
Icy Cold Death Touch

Group 5
Kannone
Sineki
An Blascaod Mor
Liventia



Fixtures:
MD 1: 4 vs. 1 2 vs. 3
MD 2: 1 vs. 3 4 vs. 2
MD 3: 2 vs. 1 4 vs. 3


"Welcome to Women's International News. I'm your host, Pierce Brosnan." Pierce Brosnan smiled it almost good enough to melt even the most hardened feminist.

"I still think that this is totally wrong." That was McHooley, the director her voice carried to the boom microphone during the recording.

"The Baptism of FAIL is the focus of the news today as numerous things have been happening. The group draw has been released along with fixtures and the not totally blind will notice that there are actually 4 more teams than originally thought. Glaycia, Sineki, We Hate Football and Kannone. Let's see what FAIL has to say about this."

___

"Yes, this is not our fault, I blame the Kumquats at the World Cup Committee President's place, infact it was due to a miscalculation in Astrology of the Libra constellation aligning with a mis-categorisation of the Glaycia entry." - Bob Tresgovsken

____

"Another thing people might notice is an acceptance letter that FAIL sent out to Baptism of FAIL participants, we at WIN have gotten our hands on the letter. This was the letter sent out to the original 16 participants.


FAIL would like to welcome the national team of Lingdinis Insania to the World Cup community. The Baptism of Fire (aka FAIL) is just about to start and it's thread has been created.

Please post your teams roster in the thread (elsewhere will not count) and start RPing. The group draw will be done on Saturday and will be posted in the thread.

All the best from FAIL and the BoF's official broadcaster WIN.

Link: http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=561959


The letter was read out and shown on screen.

"Now, this is perhaps just me... but does anyone see anything... weird about this? Incidently this one was actually meant to go to Liventia. Yes, well those with 2 cells to rub together should have figured it out. It seems that FAIL thinks all 16 teams participating are Lingdinis Insania. "

"We have not been able to get in contact with a FAIL representative in regards to this but we can assume some low level secretary was responsible and nothing will be done about it. This is Pierce Brosnan and this was Women's International News."

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS met with the College of Cardinals today, to receive news from the BoF more or less (although reports of sadomy among priests from certain countries was also a matter of concern). The Pope spoke publicly after the meeting with the following.

"Blessed be the masters of FAIL, who have provided the children with a banner. No matter if it may FAIL the eyes of man, God shall receive all artwork all the same, except for those explicitly lucid and dark; we will know it when we see it. As to the announcement of the Group Draws, the Holy Apostolic Mission reported our presence within a group of heathens, who have yet to profess their allegiance to God and the Holy Catholic Church. Herein, every match shall be preceded with a blessing for the condemned and a ritual washing of the football players in Holy Water, to purify the souls of those confronting the heathens. Against Lingdinis Insania, we are afraid that anyone with the word "insane" in their country's title is just insane; and to mention they completely butchered the spelling of Lugdunensis (from which, we presume to mean that they're from Lugdunum), we've confirmed that salvation is but a slight chance for these heathens, and unless they turn to God through the saving doctrines of the Holy Catholic, none from their land may reach paradise. Against Icy Cold Death Touch, it seems to us that they are icy spawns of the Temptor. Indeed, even Satan would think twice before founding his own state, and yet we find men willing to put themselves in the place of the devil to take judgment to men. God will have no mercy for any person from Icy Cold Death Touch, unless they part from their masochist ways! Against An Blascaod Mor, we're tempted to call them barbarian Celts. But even the Celts have the ways to salvation, if only they are willing to turn to the Lord in full confidence with the Church. Otherwise, they will fall short of redemption. Against We Hate Football, we find no option but to condemn them to eternal damnation, since they wish to blaspheme in every name by using the word "hate" in their country's title. Unless they abide in compassion and love, they shall see no salvation, marred in the dark by their hatred."

"The world is certainly perilous, and the hosts have FAILed to demonstrate the utter holiness of their state, so we must likewise pronounce ill-promises unless they turn from their pagan traditions to embrace the Lord in the Holy Catholic Church. The world shall certainly see many woes before the Lord returns, and woe may they be when Lord indeed returns, for He shall see our devotion to Him in the multitude of nations who bear no consideration for Him."

The Most Holy Representative Football Team of Magna Sancta Sedes had no comment, which really confused a lot of people. Also, the MHRFT is offering new converts to Catholicism free t-shirts that say "I converted!"

Background info:
The Republic of Kanji Starter has entered it’s first major professional tournament, the Baptism of Fire XXIX. There is high expiations for the national team of Kanji Starter in the press, with nothing less of a top three finish being good enough for the national team of Kanji Starter. The team is made up of players from the Kanji Superliga with two players being from the Kanji Second Division. The team uniforms are blue with black stripes and the crest of the Kanji Starter soccer federation where the heart is. This is to show what all the players on the team are playing for. The Captain is Robert Bazayev, a 28 year old left-midfielder from F.C. Tolst.

The Team formation is 4-3-1-2. This formation consists of four defenders, three midfielders, an attacking midfielder and two strikers. This team often uses a spread offence where the midfielders try to work the wings and cross the ball to the strikers to head it into the net. The defence is designed to be more around speed then brute force thus making the National Team of the Republic of Kanji Starter one of the most exciting teams to watch at the 29th Baptism of Fire.

Roster

Starting XI

Name: Konstantin Komkov
Age: 33
Number: 5
Club Team: Falcons
Position: Goalie (GK)
Caps: 47
Shutouts: 8
Information: At 33 years old, he is the father figure of a young Kanji Starter side. Won the trophy for best goalie last year in the Kanji Starter Superliga and is known all over Kanji Starter for his reflexes. Deeply religious in the Russian Orthodox Church, he found god after his brother died in a car accident.

Name: Roman Titov
Age: 27
Number: 3
Club Team: Dinsmark F.C.
Position: Defender (CB)
Caps: 34
Goals: 1
Information: At 6 foot 4 inches and two hundred and five pounds, he is known as the hammer for his physical prowess. He made the team when manager Alexi Kovac felt that the team didn’t have a player of brute force that could take down attackers on other teams. Though criticized in the press for his ruthlessness and for costing Dinsmark F.C. a spot in the Kanji Starter cup, he hopes to gain forgiveness from the fans of Dinsmark F.C. and the press of Kanji Starter.
Name: Dimitri Efimov
Age: 24
Number: 1
Club Team: FC Yuketobania
Position: Defender (RB)
Caps: 24
Goals: 5
Information: A player renowned for two things, his style on the field and his style off the field. He is renowned for being able to take advantage of the counterattack and has amazing passing skills for a defender. Many scouts regard him as being able to play as a midfielder if he wanted to or if a coach told him to, but the situation has never happened. The only problem is that rumours of an affair with actress Nadia Brozoff have been a distraction to him and have caused him to blow some easy defences.

Name: Pavel Sonsin
Age: 26
Number: 7
Club Team: FC 1924
Position: Defender (CB)
Caps: 12
Goals: 0
Information: A controversial addition to the national team of Kanji Starter. The MVP of the Kanji Second Division, he was chosen to this squad after his impressive season where he led FC 1924 to the Kanji Starter Superliga. He is know as a good leader for uniting a young squad to get a crucial promotion. However, scouts have questioned the level of competition that he played against.

Name: Alexander Kanchelskis
Age: 23
Number: 16
Club Team: Roston
Position: Defender (LB)
Caps: 6
Goals: 0
Information: The former captain of the Kanji Starter Under 21 team, Alexander Kanchelskis is regarded as a future star of the Kanji Starter national team. A fan favourite of the Kanji Starter national team and of his club team Roston, he has a group of fans called Kanchel’s Kings. Hopes are high that he can use his skills to lead Kanji Starter to the championships of the Baptism of Fire.

Name: Robert Bazayev
Age: 28
Number: 14
Club Team: F.C. Tolst
Position: Left Midfielder (LMF)
Caps: 48
Goals: 18
Information: The current captian of the Kanji Starter National team and current MVP of the Kanji Superliga. He is regarded as one of the top 10 footballers in Kanji Starter’s history and is a lock to enter the Hall of Fame. His jersey is one of the most popular pieces of sporting accessory in Kanji Starter and he makes around $5,000,000 in endorsements in a year. His coaches have said that god himself can’t control the flow of the game like Robert Bazayev can. However, success at the international level has eluded him and he feels that this is his chance to change that.

Name: Oleg Kasumov
Age: 30
Number: 10
Club Team: Falcons
Position: Center Midfielder (MF)
Caps: 62
Goals: 15
Information: The oldest outfield player on the Kanji Starter National Football team, Oleg is a player known for skills as a playmaker. A great player at setting up passes for Bazayev and Romanov, he is considered the heart of the team. Without him, the team would be stuck in their own end. His main reason for playing is to impress teams outside the Kanji Superliga so he can make his one last big paycheck.

Name: Yuri Omelyanchuk
Age: 25
Number: 8
Club Team: Koston United
Position: Right Midfielder (RMF)
Caps: 26
Goals: 8
Information: A player that is known for his crossing skills. He controls the right wing of the pitch like he owns it and many other players fear him. He also takes free kicks for the Kanji Starter national team and is regarded as a man who sets up other players. A quiet and reclusive man off the field, he is not a popular figure in the locker room.

Name: Yevgeny Tikhonov
Age: 26
Number: 11
Club Team: F.C. Tolst
Position: Attacking Midfeilder (AMF)
Caps: 33
Goals: 13
Information: A speedster known for his heading skills. At a height of 6 foot 5 inches, he is the tallest player on the Kanji Starter National Team. Many experts were surprised at him being a choice to start for the national team due to the belief that he is a one trick pony. His poor defensive skills have been the target of much criticism and he is often an early substitute.
Name: Amir Izmailov
Age: 24
Number: 4
Club Team: CSKA Yuketobania
Position: Striker (ST)
Caps: 18
Goals: 7
Information: An amazing finisher known for his ability to score late goals. Is an amazing player under pressure despite his young age and is regarded as a future captain of the Kanji Starter National Team. Is the normal penalty kicker for the National Team and has a success rate of 87% over his domestic career. Before each game, he plays a popular soccer videogame to analyse the other team as a way to study opponents.

Name: Marat Shunin
Age: 29
Number: 6
Club Team: F.C. Roston
Position: Striker (ST)
Caps: 58
Goals: 23
Information: The defending Golden Boot winner of the Kanji Superliga. He is known for his ability to score goals. Many coaches of opposing teams are afraid of him for his ability to score from anywhere inside the box. Goalies are afraid of his ability to target the corner of the net and his ability to read the goalie’s mind. His only major flaw is an ACL tear that happened two years ago that limits his speed. As a result, many teams double cover him.

Bench
GK, Vasily Shabanov, Age 22, #21, 5 Caps, plays for Dinsmark F.C.
CB, Pavel Radevich, Age 25, #15, 12 Caps, Plays for F.C. Tolst
RB, Vitali Sakharov, Age 27, #9, 14 Caps, Plays for F.C. Grhol
MF, Alexander Fedkov, Age 26, 15 Caps, Plays for CSKA Norththrop
MF, Anton Lozenkov, Age 23, 6 Caps, Plays for Koston United
AMF, Oleg Pugin, Age 28, 19 Caps, Plays for Falcons
ST, Sergey Sapin, Age 31, 33 Caps, Plays for Roston

Manager: Vladamir Supraov.

If my opponent posts first, he/she may:
Choose my scorers? Yes (Though we wish you luck)
Yellow card my players? Yes
Red card my players? Yes
Injure my players? Yes, though not too many of them
Godmode injuries? Within Reason
Godmode scoring events? No
Godmode other events? Ask first, please. Though I won't usually decline.

We bring you breaking news from the Baptism of Fire.

We were originally expecting 16 teams to be drawn into 4 groups of 4, then we heard 20 teams had signed up so we were expecting 5 groups as per the original bid plan, however, we have just found out we have been drawn in group 4 of 4 groups, each having 5 groups in it. We are naturally shocked and surprised by the hosts breaking away from their bid plan. If they are this good at breaking their pledges we hereby propose that they run for the presidency of the world cup next time it is available as it seems only pledge breakers ever win elections!

Anyhow assuming that the world cup authorities do not get involved and block this, we will be facing the unknowns of Cauci and Sineki, the reinvented Liventia and a team we recently beat at the World Lacrosse Championships Nuevos Aires.

We are not entirely sure where we need to finish in this group of 5, either we need to finish in the top 2 for a 8 team 2nd round, or the top 4 for a 16 team 4th round, but hey we might as well go all out and win the group.

So our first match will be against Cauci and we have just been handed the team sheet for the game:

3-1-4-2 formation
Patrick Clemence
David Aimer Gary Lewis Stephen Diddon
Richard Butty
Aaran Whitemore David Clemance Larry Derby Woodrow Derby
Richard Higgins Katsuhito Boyd


So a couple of surprises there by manager Andrew Wood as he promised us in an earlier interview. First is a switch to a 3-1-4-2 still playing a holding midfielder but flooding the midfield. We can expect to see David Clemance make some daring runs from midfield. Up front Katsuhito Boyd makes his international debut after a sensational league season. Also young Richard Higgins chosen ahead of the experienced pair Steve Eclair and Gary Hoggins.

So it will be interesting to see how the team get on, and here's the kit they will be wearing, the 1st choice kit and the goalie's kit were used at the Oxen Cup while the other was used at the U-21 cup.

1st choice
http://www.ajwood.me.uk/land_de_Wood/home_kit.jpg
2nd choice
http://www.ajwood.me.uk/land_de_Wood/u21home_kit.jpg
Goalie
http://www.ajwood.me.uk/land_de_Wood/goalies_kit.jpg

St. Martin University manager Roy Downes has hit out at Roy Hazell's squad selection for the Baptism of Fire. Despite University's third-placed finish last season, only one player from the team - substitute Patrick Williams - has made it into the 22-man national squad.

"I don't see why we even have a national team - we might as well just send Banks out there to represent us!" said Downes, referring to the fact that four of the starting eleven - Steve Gray, Lee Pritchard, Ed French and Steve Griffiths - play under Hazell at Banks. (The National League champions are also represented on the bench by Matthew Love.) He continued, "We have players who have played at global level [in the TQCC], whose experience would be ideal for this sort of competition, and he just ignores them."

St. Martin University was not the only club to be humiliated in this way. Fifth-placed Houghton Kestrels lost their sole representative when Hazell dropped Glenn Charlton. Manager Geoff Young agreed with Downes' complaint, saying, "Really we should have a separate national manager - the bias in all this is clear to see. Worse still, throughout the Oxen Cup, our press were concentrating on what the Banks players were doing, while ignoring the rest. For me, the best player we had in Qazox was Paul Paterson [the Bradley Hornets right-back], but who noticed? All right, I'll admit Glenn Charlton wasn't comfortable at that level - but no-one else outside the top two [Banks and Markham] got a look-in."

West Zirconian FA chairman Damon Clarke said in response to the complaints, "I am surprised at those managers who see fit to snipe at our coach just because their players have not been selected. If we are totally humiliated in this competition, then let people complain, but to sow dissent in the team on the eve of their finest hour is beyond belief. How do you think they would feel, being told that they're only in the team because of who they play for back home? This criticism is totally counter-productive, and we at the West Zirconian FA stand totally behind Roy Hazell in the way that he is running this national squad."

Hazell was unavailable for comment, but is expected to call a press conference prior to the start of the competition.

"So where is this Totally Not BoF group list."

"Here it is Sir."

"Hey, there are 5 groups here... The Totally Not BoF is only meant to have 4 and it's not even a real tournament it's a coackroach re-enactment."

"What?!"

"I gave it to WIN."

"YOU DID WHAT?!

"I thought the BoF was spondered by Totally Not, your local negative specialists."

"Well, no it's Totally Not BoF, meaining it isn't the BoF it's a re-enactment of the BoF."

"But how can you have a re-enactment of the BoF when the teams are in totally different groups? and away how are you going to re-enact them?"

"with Coakroaches of course, we seemed to have an influx of trained coackroaches recently."

"I'm not going to ask... Just get the right Draw out there... I can feel it already it's going to be one of those days."

OOC: The REAL Draw will be put into the post above to save confusion.

After a special investigation started by this very paper we are delighted to announce the group that we will actually be playing in:

Group 3
Land de Wood
Nuevos Aires
We Hate Football
West Zirconia

It seems Margaret is insisting that we play Nuevos Aires whether we like it or not.
We have the team from We hate football. After our achievements at the World Lacrosse Championships despite the fact most of our nation knows nothing about the sport, this team could well be ones to watch out for.
West Zirconia meanwhile played in the Oxen cup like us and so have some experience at this top level of international football not that they did that well at the Oxen Cup but then again we only just managed a win there ourselves. We are also hearing already some unreset at home over their squad selection.

According to the document we have before us, we can still qualify even if we lose every single game, as the five bottom placed teams get to play each other round robin, to see if they can actually win a game or two, however, the nation is expecting high things after the Lacrosse and Field Hockey team heroics.

"Five groups?"

"Yes, five groups."

"And how the hell do they work that out?"

"I don't know."

"So what do we need to do to qualify?"

"Again, I don't know. But winning the group would pretty much do the trick."

"But, let's be honest here, that's not going to happen. We've got Land de Wood and West Zirconia in our group. They're both decent looking teams. One looking to raise the profile of the game back home, the other seemingly with the entire nation behind them."

"And?"

"Well, we're none of that. We're a bunch of misfits who are trying their best to keep their exploits quiet. Pretty much the opposite from those two."

"So who are the fourth team in the group."

"They're the ones you threatened to kidnap. So they're not exactly going to be chuffed to bits with us."

"Ah."

"Still, the team are in good shape for their opening game. We'll try our best not to get beaten by too many."

"Ever the optimist. God forbid we actually win a game..."

Group One Predictions

The final riff of the Kanji Sports Network fades out as the show starts.

“Good evening, I’m Peter Kolesnikov and this is Sportscenter. Our main story tonight is that the groups for the 29th Baptism of Fire have been picked and Kanji Starter is in group one with Lingdinis Insania, Glaycia and Tomarian. We go to Sascha Velikiy, live in the capital of Ferrywind to report on this story.

“Thank you very much Peter. Kanji Starter has been drawn into group one with Lingdinis Insania, Glaycia and Tomarian. We have not heard back from the Lingdinis Insania or the Tomarian team but we have a report about the Glaycia national Football Team.”

”The National Football team of Glaycia is a team that uses a basic 4-2-2-2 formation. They are managed by manager Bjorn Vorkmann who has a history of winning on cold days with the wind blowing against the players. However, can he perform on days where the mercury passes 25C? Another question about the Glaycia team is of age and experience. The oldest starter on the Glaycia team is only 26 years old. There are a lot of questions of if the team can handle the pressure of an international tournament because of the lack of a solid leader. Many experts expect that they will get past the first round but falter in the quarterfinals. They are strong on defence though and they need to prevent goals to win games. From Ferrywind for Kanji Sports Network, this is Sascha Velikiy reporting.”

"A long time in the future, yet somehow in the past.....

*Add a certain theme tune here for effect*

In an ocean far far away, it is a time of many sports, the sports being football and well only football really.

There's plenty of football though, it's in the Olympics, it's in Atlantian Oceania, there's the World Cup, the Di Bradini Cup, the Oxen Cup, The Sorthern Airways Cup, and the Oriental Cup.

The most important not very important in the grand scheme of things yet still important cup of all though is, le baptême de feu, or the Baptism of Fire as non-surrendering people call it.

The Baptism of Fire is the tournament for new nations to the World Cup, a chance to win something and then kid themselves they could do well at the World Cup where they get thrashed 7-0 or something by a actual good nation such as Starblaydia.

Although Starblaydia never won the Baptism of Fire so the teams here could actually do something Starblaydia couldn't. The reason for that is Emperor Boston of Bostopia his sister. Yep, he did. You know it, I know it and his lawyer knows it which is why he can't sue. You can steal donkey statues and run away to Fort Boston, but you can't run away from the truth.

Oh and by the way, if you get the chance get the DVD of "The Bostpian, Han, Sorthern war". It's awesome, there's cricket bombs, hamsters on fire and random people coming out of closets. It's not that awesome, in fact it's pretty rubbish but I made it and for every copy sold I get some money. But I digest...

Pedro the donkey was coming back from head-butting small children when this happened...."

"So what do you think of it then?" asked a slight man wearing a dodgy pink and yellow shirt and tie combination.

"Well, what is it supposed to be?" replied the man sitting opposite him. That man was Muris O'Sullivan, the "King" of An Blascaod Mór. He wasn't really the King, An Blascaod Mór didn't have any royal family, but he had been chosen the islanders to represent them when the island needed representation.

"Well it's the title credits for the show when the Baptism of Fire is broadcast on tele in An Blascaod Mór."

"Right," responded The King in a confused voice, "we don't have televisions here, so in the sense that we don't need it, it fails."

"Excellent!" exclaimed the excited rubbishy dressed fellow.

"It's is?" the King blurted out in a surprised manner.

"Why yes! It is the Baptism of FAIL remember."

Muris sighed and walked out the bar and towards the harbour, the last ferry back to the island was leaving soon, and a storm was coming. Miss the ferry and he'd be stuck on the mainland for the next few days with this badly dressed fool.

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS uttered incomprehensible phrases of extreme eternal glory (i.e. expletives) upon hearing that the HMRFT was not slotted for a group with Lingdinis Insania, Icy Cold Death Touch, An Blascaod Mor, and We Hate Football, but instead for a even more incomprehensible group with Spazican States, Cauci, and Ron Paulovia. The Holy Pontiff had no comments for any of these states, remarking cryptically that "they who do not profess the LORD is God will be revealed at the proper time."

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS later led mass, in what was described "excommunication without communication." Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS explained that by posting fraudulent groups, the BoF Hosts FAILed to honor the 6th Commandment. Since it was widely presumed that everyone knew what the BoF Hosts did, Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS didn't exactly explain in what manner the BoF Hosts FAILed to do in relation to the 6th commandment, although he once stated, "They are taking their harlots with a pedophile! Surely, damnation is due upon them."

Despite these remarks, the MHRFT stated separately that the team would not boycott the BoF. "Moral challenges are not to be faced by running away from them but by confronting them head on and challenging them in return. Morality FAILs to win when it FAILs to act." In another act of FAILure, the MHRFT played a skirmage in which the team tried to play once against the other, but neither side could correctly identify the opponents goal or the objective of the game. "Scoring against an opponent just seems mean," remarked one of the players.

We have a brief interview with our Prime Minister and national football team manager Andrew Wood.

Larry: Good evening Andrew
Andrew: Good evening Larry
Larry: So what do you think of the group you've been drawn in?
Andrew: Well it is not going to be an easy one, our first match West Zirconia could well set the tone as they are a very good side and like us have the experience of playing in the Oxen Cup. However, We Hate Football are classic underdog material and Nuevos Aires are not going to make things easy for us either.
Larry: However, according to what we've read there is a bizarre rule here that even if we lose all our games we could still qualify via a round robin between the bottom teams.
Andrew: Well I believe it is the organisers giving all the teams a chance to prove themselves. Remember, none of these teams have ever featured in a world cup before.
Larry: True it does give everyone a chance and I guess it gives teams time to find the right balance in their team.
Andrew: Indeed, we are fortunate to have had the experience of the Oxen Cup and to a certain degree the Di Bradini cup, but even now we've brought in a few different players to our squad and of course Boyd is going to be making his debut for us against West Zirconia.
Larry: Indeed, do you feel this is a game we can win?
Andrew: I believe so, though we will have to watch their wingers.
Larry: What do you make of the complaints from their club managers back home?
Andrew: Well normally they complain when you pick their players rather than when you don't, so I guess the national team manager can't win whatever eh does.
Larry: Have any club managers complained to you?
Andrew: Wood Limited are a bit concerned we might overuse young Richard Higgins especially as we have his club strike force team mate Katsuhito Boyd up front with him. But I've assured them that we will be rotating our strike force throughout the group stages.
Larry: Yes, while it must be nice to have a club strike force partnership to call upon it will be good to try other options.
Andrew: Indeed some games will require a target man like Gary Hoggins while Steve Eclair's experience could be vital in others and there's always Ray Horse to play of the front man.
Larry: Plenty of options, well I wish our team the best of luck.
Andrew: Thank you and good night.

Well there you have it Andrew Wood seems quite confident that our "Woodpeckers" can beat West Zirconia in their first game.

Group 1

Tomarian 2-1 Lingdinis Insania
Kanji Starter 0-0 Glaycia


Group 2

Magna Sancta Sedes 3-1 Spazican States
Cauci 1-3 Ron Paulovia


Group 3

West Zirconia 0-2 Land de Wood
Nuevos Aires 1-2 We Hate Football


Group 4

Icy Cold Death Touch 1-0 Greal
Cypron 0-1 New Zomboria


Group 5

Liventia 0-0 Kannone
Sineki 1-1 An Blascaod Mor

A brief interview with John Igor, captain of the Greal football team

Joesph Reporter: What did you think of your team's performance during its match against Icy Cold Touch?
John Igor: I was not disappointed. Though we lost, what can we do. We just have to do better next time.
Reporter: Will there be a next time?
Igor: Hopefully, our team will get a chance to play again, and hopefully qualify for the World Cup.
Reporter: Was today's loss bad for your team? How did they feel the blow?
Igor: Well, my team took it well, and actually right now they are preparing the next match.
Reporter: How was your team picked
Igor: We picked the best players from Greal's finest football teams.
Reporter: Do they have any outside experience?
Igor: Some of them do.
Reporter: Well, I have to go now, and I thank you for letting me interview you.
Igor: It was no problem at all.

"welcome back to GNS- The Glaycian News Station as we go onto sports. The big curling festival of ice tournament is taking place in Hodulou but first let's go onto the soccer where Glaycia's first ever international match took place.

"The team lived up to both the tournament's billing as well as our own nation's ideal as offenses on both sides were frozen and everyone failed to put any goals in the net as Glaycia ended up with a 0-0 draw with Kanji Starter leaving the team tied for second after the first of three matches. Conditions were not as warm as most of us here feared so overheating was not a problem for our young squad. However with Tomarian's 2-1 win they have moved into first place in the group where our experts believe a top two finish will be needed to advance. So our team will have to thaw our some offense if we hope to move on.

"in related news King Olaf III reportedly watched the match in its entirety and was said to be not displeased with the result. So that's more good news for the team though naturally everyone hopes to see some improvement as time goes on."

The two men sat in the reception of the West Zirconian FA headquarters in Moorcroft. One, Geoff Young, was short, with an untidy moustache, and seemed uncomfortable in the suit in which he found himself. The other, Roy Downes, was tall, with white swept-back hair, and had all the graceful speech and mannerisms of an Oxbridge don. In actual fact, his university, St. Martin, was more humble, and his position far removed from anything academic. For this was the manager of the University's football team, which to many sports-mad citizens of the capital was more important a role than that of any professor. Although the two men shared little in common, they at least managed a fractured conversation about the national team's participation in the Baptism of Fire. For it was this that brought these two men to this building.

Suddenly, a door in an adjoining office opened with not a little force, and through it walked a man, somewhat younger than the other two, but looking older thanks to the wrinkles and baggy eyes that weren't there the last time these three men met.

Geoff was the first to speak, with a little impatience: "Ah, Damon, at last you've bothered. What did you want us for?"

Damon Clarke said nothing, but simply threw a newspaper on to the table in front of the men. Geoff picked it up and saw its name - the Land de Wood Sports. Not a paper he had ever heard of, he thought. He read the page where Damon had marked it - a preview of the group in which the two nations were soon to play. He came to the sentence: "We are also hearing already some unrest at home over their squad selection." and a lump grew in his throat.

He looked up at Damon, who said nothing as he gave Roy another newspaper, with the exotic title El Correo de Nuevos Aires. As Roy only spoke rudimentary Spanish, Damon also gave him a translation of the article. He read the article, until he came to the following: "As for West Zirconia, they are in turmoil following complaints about their team selection. This can only serve to undermine their confidence and help the other teams in the group. They will be lucky to come away from this with a point."

Roy blanched. "Are you sure this is an accurate translation, Damon?"

"Straight from the Candelarian embassy in St. Martin - you can't get a much better source than that."

"So you mean..."

"Yes - by putting your oar in, you've just made us the laughing-stock of two of the nations we're about to play. What the hell do you two think you were playing at?

Geoff interrupted. "Well, we both think the whole thing stinks of favouritism - do you really want us to sit back and watch our players denied any chance because they don't play for the right team?"

"As a matter of fact, all I asked of you, and all I'm asking of you now, is to get behind the team. This is about West Zirconia now - not Banks, Markham or anyone else."

"Could have fooled me."

"Sorry, Geoff, didn't quite catch that remark?"

"I said, you could have fooled me. It's all about one man and his beloved team. Even the press have started talking as if it's just one club providing all the players. It's all jobs for the boys now."

Roy had seen enough to know that it was futile to argue further, and that to do so would only be counter-productive. "Let it drop, Geoff. There's nothing Damon can do about it now, anyway - the team's been chosen and we've had our say. Neither of us could have expected it to get out of hand, so it's probably best for us to drop it and let the team get on with it. We don't like any of it, but it's out of our hands."

Geoff stood up and pointed a stubby finger straight into Damon's face. "All right, but if we don't do well in this tournament, you'd better make sure Hazell's head rolls for it!" With that, he stormed off, completely ignoring the receptionist as she bid him a cheerful goodbye.

Roy looked at Damon for a moment, then invited him to sit down. He spoke in hushed, confidential tones: "There are a couple of other reservations I have about the selection - and it isn't about anyone from Banks."

"Carry on - I'm listening."

"First, Ceri Hall. No club has dared touch him since he walked out on Stanley United. How on earth can he be considered suitable for the national squad?"

"You'd have to ask Roy Hazell what he saw in Ceri, but he was such a promising player before breaking his ankle. He hadn't recovered well enough for the Oxen Cup, but he's obviously considered fit enough now. Let's just see how he gets on."

"OK, but there is one other thing."

"Which is?"

"It's about the choice of captain. Do you consider that Ben Phillips can fulfil this role while he has this.....scandal hanging over him?"

"Look, Roy, just because the Moorcroft Evening News said he was.....er....." Damon blushed very deeply. ".....caught in a compromising position with.....er.....someone of the same.....er.....gender doesn't mean it actually happened. These rumours have been going around about Ben for ages, and he's always managed to brush them off. If you want my opinion, that paper's got a Wanderers bias anyway, so they love any chance to cause trouble with City players - especially their captain."

Roy tactfully declined to mention that Damon had an equally noticeable bias towards Moorcroft City - and that same captain.

"Look, Roy, I appreciate your concerns about the way the national side's being run, but I'm just asking you to leave them be. They've got enough trouble as it is without people causing unrest back here." He looked at his watch. "They should be playing by now, shouldn't they?"

"Er...the game should be nearly finished by now."

"Damn! I wanted to see this - of all games. I'll just have to give them a call when....."

Suddenly the phone rang, making Damon lose his train of thought. The receptionist quickly answered it.

"West Zirconian Football Association, can I help you?...Certainly, James, he's right here as a matter of fact." She pressed the privacy button. "Mr. Clarke, it's your son - he doesn't sound too good." She offered the handset to Damon.

"Hi, James - is everything OK?"

"I've just been watching the game, Dad - it's just finished."

"And...?"

"We lost 2-0. We were completely disorganised - didn't stand a chance. Ben got sent off as well."

So much for those assurances that the team had the right captain, Damon thought. "How? What happened?"

"Well, one of their players was goading him throughout the game, so he turned round and punched him."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Look, I can't really talk now - I've got one of the managers here at the moment - I'll call you later when I get chance, OK? Bye, James."

"Thanks, Dad. Bye."

Roy looked across at Damon. "Bad news, I take it?"

"We lost 2-0. Ben Phillips got sent off for punching someone who'd been on his back throughout the game."

Roy winced. "I'll keep my opinions to myself if the press come calling. I can't guarantee Geoff will do the same, though."

"Thanks, Roy - I would appreciate that, and so would the team."

Having given that assurance, Roy took his leave. Once he had gone, Damon looked at the clock on the wall. Only another five minutes to go, then he too could leave. He went back to his office, and started to put the day's paperwork in order. As he did so, his wandering mind was brought back to earth when the phone in reception rang. A few seconds later, his own phone rang.

"Damon Clarke?"

"Speaking."

"Hello, Mr. Clarke. This is Dave Archer from the Moorcroft Evening News..."

Kanji Starter National team plays to draw.

Miso Kite National Stadium, Yafalonia.

The Kanji Starter national team played to a draw today against a solid Glaycia side. Before the game, many pundits were predicting a 0-0 tie or a 1-0 win for either side and they looked like they were right. The game started off with an early breakaway by Albin Dufendur but goalie Konstantin Komkov saved a solid shot that was heading towards the top corner. The game continued to be a back and forth affair until the 37th minute when Roman Titov fouled midfielder Jasper Marley. Titov, got a yellow card for his aggression and Eric Bjorkman shot wide of the goal to bring the game into halftime.

During halftime, manager Supraov took out Titov because of his yellow card. He was replaced by Pavel Radevich. Titov left the game during halftime and has not been seen since. Manager Super made an unorthodox move by proposing that the first person to score a goal would get $2,500. This seemed to fire up the team and after halftime, they were a completely different team.

The second half started off with a strong offensive push. Right after kickoff, Robert Bazayev got the ball from Oleg Kasumov and proceeded down the left wing. He beat Karl Goranst and was wide open. He then crossed the ball over to Yevgeny Tikhonov who headed it at the net. The ball beat the keeper, but Tikhonov was ruled offside and the goal was disallowed. The turned into a midfield duel for the next 25 minutes. The highlight of this period of the game was Glaycia performing a double substitution at the 73rd minute where they took out Eric Bjorkman and Hanna Taube replacing them with Emilia Ohllson and Henrik Anderson respectfully. This seemed to awaken the Kanji Starter team and they started to come alive. At the 78th minute, Marat Shunin has a shot at net but it went to the right and it was the last scoring opportunity of the game. Both teams dropped back to playing defensive football and played it out for a draw.

With this draw, Kanji Starter needs to win it’s next game to have a strong shot at moving on to the next round. Manager Vladimir Supraov said to a reporter, “Glaycia is a good defensive team. They controlled the flow of the game and they forced us into a draw. Next time, we will go out and get a win.”

When asked about Titov, he refused to answer any questions and said that this would be dealt with. Rumours floating around in the press are that he was sighted near the team hotel at the bar drinking a martini. If this is true, then expect a suspension for his actions.

Land de Wood Baptism of Fire Special

West Zirconia verses Land de Wood, had been reported as the match that would decide the group winners here. Land de Wood's run in the Di Bardini Cup led Newmanistan to declare them favourites for the cup, while West Zirconia had put in some good performances at the Oxen Cup, however, their coach's squad selection was being undermined back home, would this filter through to the players?

Two minutes gone and we had a wonderful chance to take the lead, Larry Darby played the ball to David Clemance who made a great run from midfield, but Richard Higgins who received the ball from him, shot just wide. But then in the tenth minute West Zirconia were back on the attack, Ian Hawthorne who had caused one or two problems down the left wing already, found Steve Griffiths with a beauty of a cross but Patrick Clemence saved well from his header.

West Zirconia seemed to struggle to maintain the momentum and in the twentieth minute there was some argy-bargy between Ben Phillips and Aaran Whitemore, Whitemore having caused some problems down the wing for Ben Phillips seems to be winding him up having gone past him yet again down the wing, Ben Phillips pulled him down late and received a stern lecture from the referee, lucky not to be cautioned.

In the twenty-fifth minute Witemore again found room down the wing and got the cross in for Katsuhito Boyd on his international debut to volley home from twenty yards out, a great way to open the scoring. While they managed the odd attack, West Zirconia's defense seems to be at sixes and sevens, struggling to deal with the pace of "the Woodpeckers".
Aaran Whitemore again beat Ben Phillips in the fortieth minute and got the cross in but Boyd headed wide this time.
Five minutes later the referee blew for half time, and the Woodpeckers went in 1-0 up. The defense not really trouble after the first quarter of an hour, and the attack just lacking the killing touch otherwise the scre could have been 5-0.
Six minutes into the second half Woodrow Derby gets the opportunity to run down the left wing beats Paul Paterson but his cross is poor and easily collected by the keeper.
Eleven minutes in and Whitemore again receives the ball down the right wing, he runs down beating Ben Phillips for pace again, Phillips then pulls him down, Whitemore takes a tumble, I think Phillips thinks he dive from the hand signals he is making, Whitemore gets back to his feet and Phillips punches him one! The referee has no choice but to send the West Zirconian captain off! One goal and now one man down, West Zirconia are struggling here. Whitemore takes the resulting free kick, Higgins this time with the header but well held by Steve Gray who seems the only thing keeping the score down.
A few more attacks but nothing resulting in a goal, until the twenty-fifth minute, Ray Horse on for Larry Derby bursts through from midfield, plays a one two with Higgins, then feeds Boyd who scores a second goal, what a debut for Boyd.
West Zirconia are on a damage limitation exercise here, Jerome Bennett having come of for Ryan Gregory to restore their four man defence
Protecting his younger players Richard Higgins comes off for the experienced Steve Eclair and Stephen Diddon comes off for John Bell who makes his debut.
Eclair's finishing again lets him down as in the thirty third minute he is in space following a throughball from Horse, but he fails to finish, he really needs a goal to get his confidence back at international level.
As Land de Wood begin to rest on their laurels a bit, West Zirconia decide to try and sneak a goal in the thirty-third minute bringing on another Banks player, Matthew Love for Ian Hawthorne and also Ceri Hall for Anthony McGowan. Love has one opportunity near the end but blazes over from six yards out, when Patrick Clemence had for once been caught out.
The full time whistle blows and Land de Wood have won this game 2-0.
West Zirconia's defense was all over the place and Matthew Love missing a sitter from six yards out can only increase the outcry against the number of Banks' players in the squad, and was the unattached Ceri Hall the right player to bring on, he looked lacking in match sharpness! Nothing for Andrew Wood to worry about, his Woodpeckers have won their first game and are looking good.

Titov suspended for the next two matches.

Roman Titov was suspended for the next two matches after leaving the game at halftime to go back to the hotel. According to manager Sukarov, "He violated team rules. Just because he is a starter doesn't mean he will be treated any differently." Titov, the 27 year old defender from Dinsmark F.C., is well for his reputation as a loose cannon and many experts are thinking that this is the last straw for his international career. He was reported poolside with a mystery woman at the hotel drinking an martini while his Kanji Starter side played the game out to a draw.

This is not the first incident that has drawn attention towards the infamous defender. Two years during a domestic game, he spit in the face of striker Anton Krasnors earning him a two game suspension and fine of $50,000. A year ago, he called his manager a "fat pig who spends his time eating doughnuts and not being a good manager." Though these actions have led to reprimand from coaches and fellow players, he has never been fired or transfered. I think we need to draw a line. I think we need to cut Roman Titov.

Titov will be replaced by Pavel Radevich for the next two matches.

PRESS RELEASE
For immediate release

The Football Association of Liventia expresses its disappointment at the Yaforite referee in charge of the Liventia—Kannone "match" which took place yesterday. Despite the opposition not fielding any players, the referee allowed play to begin with no opposition on the pitch.

Repeated attempts to pass the ball around were called offside, with the referee repeatedly saying the ball was passed to an attacker between the last defender and the goal, despite there not being any defenders to start with. Every forward run by a Liventian player into the opposition half was also blown down for some virtual foul.

This resulted in the ugly 0-0 draw that occurred and left many Liventian fans asking for their money back. The FAL will compensate these fans, but seeks an explanation from the tournament organisers, FAIL, as to how this occurred. The FAL will also seek compensation from FAIL for the need to remunerate our fans.

We will also be lodging an official protest into the conduct of the referee, although we accept that a protest against the match outcome would be fruitless.

Jeremy Weaver
Chairman
Football Association of Liventia

"Wait, they want FAIL to compensate FAIL to renumerate FAIL's fans?"

"Seems like it, unless somehow I'm purposely mis-reading it."

"Right, where were they... Ah, okay... They were at Lost Stadium."

"Well no wonder only one team turned up."

"I thought the standard procedure for these things said that they'd play in a park in the city?"

"Who knows, I think because there was no roster posted that the referees thought they were invisible. Okay, well. Let's see.

....

Referee's counter with an 'invisible player' defense. "Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they weren't there". FAIL stands by it's referees and their decisions.

Land de Wood Sports Baptism of Fire Special

Andrew Wood has just announced his team for the next game:

3-3-3-1 formation
Jonathon Horse
Angel Guild John Bell Stephen Sterland
Ray Hamil Gary Workhorse Kevin Wallace
Tom Darkless Ray Horse Stephen Redrow
Gary Hoggins

Andrew Wood has completely changed his team! No doubt rewarding his players with a day of and also giving the others a chance at this introductory tournament. Has he got too much faith in these players, or is he that confident of a win against We Hate Football? Who don't forget beat Nuevos Aires and could yet be the underdogs of this tournament.
It is an interesting formation he has chosen as well, with 3 at the back, 3 in midfield, 3 attackive midfielders in front of them and a target man up front.

Group 1

Lingdinis Insania 0-4 Glaycia
Tomarian 1-5 Kanji Starter

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Kanji Starter 2 1 1 0 5 1 4 4
2 Glaycia 2 1 1 0 4 0 4 4
3 Tomarian 2 1 0 1 3 6 -3 3
4 Lingdinis Insania 2 0 0 2 1 6 -5 0



Group 2

Spazican States 1-0 Ron Paulovia
Magna Sancta Sedes 2-0 Cauci

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Magna Sancta Sedes 2 2 0 0 5 1 4 6
2 Ron Paulovia 2 1 0 1 3 2 1 3
3 Spazican States 2 1 0 1 2 3 -1 3
4 Cauci 2 0 0 2 1 5 -4 0



Group 3

Land de Wood 5-1 We Hate Football
West Zirconia 4-1 Nuevos Aires

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Land de Wood 2 2 0 0 7 1 6 6
2 West Zirconia 2 1 0 1 4 3 1 3
3 We Hate Football 2 1 0 1 3 6 -3 3
4 Nuevos Aires 2 0 0 2 2 6 -4 0



Group 4

Greal 1-0 New Zomboria
Icy Cold Death Touch 0-1 Cypron

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 New Zomboria 2 1 0 1 1 1 0 3
2 Icy Cold Death Touch 2 1 0 1 1 1 0 3
3 Greal 2 1 0 1 1 1 0 3
4 Cypron 2 1 0 1 1 1 0 3



Group 5

Matchday 1
Kannone 1-4 An Blascaod Mor
Liventia 3-1 Sineki

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 An Blascaod Mor 2 1 1 0 5 2 3 4
2 Liventia 2 1 1 0 3 1 2 4
3 Sineki 2 0 1 1 2 4 -2 1
4 Kannone 2 0 1 1 1 4 -3 1

"This is a WIN News Update... and I'm Pierce Brosnan"

"Thoughout the twin nations and And Island Spontaneous 'We Love Football but not as much as we love Oprah' Day celebrations have been held. We believe however most of the catering for this quite unexpected celebration has been supplied by well known Bazorite caterer 'Big Joe's' as a result the food is not only inedible but contains deadly additives including Uranium Pellets, Roof Tile Shavings and Red Dye number 2."

"We urge everyone as a matter of personal safety to stay away from any baked goods that you don't personally witness being baked. Many local restraunts already have facilities where you can see the items being baked."

"Enjoy your time here in Yafalonia and Bazor 2 and stay safe."

Land de Wood Sports Baptism of Fire Special

So it was the favourites verses the underdogs here today. Land de Wood who opened their Baptism of Fire campaign with a good win, faced a team from a nation that hates this game (perhaps worse than a nation that knows nothing about the game as Land de Wood did with Lacrosse until a sensational run led them to runners up in the World Lacrosse Championships with a quarter of the nation reportedly tuning in to watch the final if viewing figures are to be believed) Anyhow back on with the football. Andrew Wood clearly using these group stages as an opportunity to try out other players completely changed his starting line up and formation.

After just eleven seconds We Hate Football took a shock lead, their winger raced down the wing and crossed the ball in for their targetman to head home. (We cannot reveal their real names due to fears of reprisals back home). Just eleven seconds into this game and Land de Wood are behind.
The few fans that We Hate Football have here starting cheering at the Woodpecker fans "Are you Nuevos Aires in disguise?" (possibly not only a reference to their previous opponents but also to the alledged kidnap plot by We Hate Football's representative.

To make matters worse, Angel Guild is sent off four minutes later when he denies their striker a goal scoring opportunity. Jonathon Horse saves the resulting penalty and Land de Wood reformat with Ray Hamil coming back into the 3 man defense and Tom Darkless moving back into midfield as they go to a 3-3-2-1 formation.
We Hate Football manage the odd attack but fail to make it through the defense this time, then in the twentieth minute the Woodpeckers have finally woken up, Gary Workhorse makes a charging run from midfield before playing it out to Keven Wallace who races down the wing, crosses the ball and Gary Hoggins heads home. 1-1 game on.
Six minutes later Ray Hammil makes a break down the right, feeds Tom Darkless who drags the full back wide before crossing in, Gary Hoggins heads it down and Ray Horse strikes it home, 2-1 and the Woodpeckers are back in business.
Thirty three minutes on the clock and Gary Workhorse is cautioned for a late tackle on their midfielder who limps off and is subsituted, will have to wait and see what the We Hate Football doctors make of that injury.
Then forty minutes gone, Kevin Wallace again finds space down the left before being brought cruelly down by their right back. A yellow card for their right back and Kevin Wallace is stretchered off, on comes Stephen Diddon in the centre of defense as Land de Wood reformat again to a 4-3-1-1 formation. Stephen Redrow crosses in the resulting free kick but Gary Hoggins heads wide.
Two minutes into after injury time, the referee blows for half time, we've seen 2 yellow cards, 1 red card, 3 goals, 2 injuries, what a game and what a second half we are going to see.
Two minutes into the second half and Stephen Redrow is making good progress again down the wing, he crosses it in and Ray Horse, bicycle kicks it into the back of the net, 3-1.
Eleven minutes later Ray Hamil given license to run down that right wing now they are playing with four at the back overlaps Tom Darkless who feeds him a lovely ball, cross comes in and Gary Hoggins heads home.
A few minutes later and We Hate Football maange a counter attack but Jonathon Horse saves well again. As the minutes go on, Land de Wood fans starting chanting back to the We Hate Football fans, "Are you Nuevos Aires in disguise?"
After twenty minutes of the second half Gary Workhorse comes off for David Clemance.
Two minutes later Clemance makes a sensational run from midfield, plays in Ray Horse who completes his hat-trick! 5-1 The Woodpeckers are running riot. Tom Darkless comes of for Aaron Whitemore
The game dies down a bit as The Woodpeckers take their foot of the gear and We Hate Football struggle to get into gear.
The game ends: Land de Wood 5-1 We Hate Football
Man of the match: Ray Horse with his hat-trick
Yellow cards: Stephen Diddon, Gary Workhorse
Red card: Angel Guild
Injury concerns: Kevin Wallace

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS gave out a long sermon today, upon reflection of the MHRFT's exploits in the Baptism of Fire:

"HE who has given us grace, by faith, shall give those left in discomfort comfort. HE who has given us providence, by faith, shall give those left in doubt certainty. HE who has given us victory, by faith, shall give those left in Hell reminders of their life and what went with it."

The Most Holy Representative Football Team of Magna Sancta Sedes later remarked that the two wins in Group B were nothing short of miracles. In their match against the Spazican States, they were confronted by a horde of unbelieving cannibalistic lizards that breathed fire upon every man and sought comfort from every woman. It certainly helped the MHRFT that these lizards were only 10 centimeters tall, so the players could move around the lizards, if they so wanted too. Whether they could or not was another matter. The team was forced to removed all of their rosaries, crucifixes, and another sort of object not belonging on the field. The referee noted that the goalkeeper was praying while on the field, wielding his rosary and ordered all metal objects off of the field, to the great dismay of the team. And it was soon after that that the lizards scored their first goal. Apparently, a heathen crowd of lizards had appeared to support their Spazican team. But the Holy men gave out in spiritual song, to restore their faith in God, and they went and managed to kick the ball into the back of the net. They repeated this five times, but for the two times, they were called off-sides, mostly because the referee couldn't see the lizards in the first place. It was a great victory, although Father Thomas Aquinas managed to exhaust the Team's supply of Holy Water, drenching it over the lizards as they left. "May God keep His peace upon you!" he cried as the guards took him away.

With some satisfaction of results, the Most Holy Representative Football Team of Magna Sancta Sedes went forward and confronted the Cauci, finding them a bunch of Barbarian women, who cut off the heads of men and drank their blood for lunch, having a full complement of ribeye steaks and mashed potatoes for dinner. The team were left praying on the field, hoping salvation may come to these savages. Unfortunately, the referees weren't too happy to see the team praying in mass and broke up the prayer session. Father Thomas Aquinas managed to find one last bottle of Holy Water and sprayed the referees. He was taken off the field without a question. The team, left without spiritual and tactical guidance, recounted the persecution of the Christian saints at the hands of the Romans and went forward to vanquish the barbarian ladies from Cauci. It was a tough first half, where the barbarians were focused more upon the heads of the players than they were in the ball (it explains how they lost to Ron Paulovia). But by the end of the first half, neither side had scored a goal, despite some players having run the entire length of the field about 100 times. Starting the second half, the play turned into reasonably realistic football, and the team assembled for great prayers before scoring twice against the barbarians. It helped that the barbarian goalkeeper was chasing the referee that showed her a red card for eating a baby. After the match, the team blessed the Cauci ladies, praying that they would turn from their sinful ways to embrace the saving grace of Christ.

Dona Nobis Pacem.


Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS later decried BoF Hosts for FAILing to consider the health of participants. "They have put unclean products in their food, such as to make the choices of Saint Peter seem so lowly." In response to the news, Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS has ordered the entire Church to go on a steadfast fast of food for the duration of the MHRFT's presence in the BoF, to protest the ungodly nature of FAIL food.

<Two old Glaycians watching the match at home>

"Hmm ya know Inga? That looks like some dang-gummed heatwave hit the stadium."

"You're right Ludden, why i bet its at least 10C out there."

"Poor fellows- look, #7 i think is actually wearing shorts!"

"Yes i see it Ludden. At least its not one of the ladies, that wouldn't be proper showing all that skin like they were at the beach or something."

"The other team doesn;t look too good, they're wearing sweaters i think, they'll probably pass out from overheating Inga."

"That's probably why we're running around scoring and all that Ludden, poor dears are passing out from the heat."

"Don;t feel too bad for them Inga. I mean we do need to win this one, and the next match too i think. I never could figure out all these fancy-smanshy tiebreaker procedures. Hope they make it easy and beat those Tomatoans."

"Tomarians dear."

"That's what i said Inga, Tomatoarians."

"Whatever you say dear."

Kanji Starter Dominates in 5-1 win over Tomarian.

Unnamed Stadium Bastor 2, Kanji Starter won their first game of the Baptisim of Fire in a 5-1 rout over Tomarian.

The game started off with a bang for Kanji Starter with Marat Shunin scoring a goal five minutes into the match from the right side of the box. The Tomarian keeper misjudged the timing of the shot and it went to the lower right coroner of the net. Tomarian responded though with a goal of their own in the 6th minute on a breakaway. For the next ten minutes, Kanji Starter played an upbeat offensive game. Their actions were rewarded in the 18th minute when Robert Bazayev got through the Tomarian defence and scored a goal from inside the box. There was more action to come though. At the 30th minute, #8 on the Tomarian team fouled Yevgeny Tikhonov in the goalie’s box thus earning #8 a red card and giving Kanji Starter a penalty kick. Amir Izmailov took the kick and scored thus making it a 3-1 game. Kanji Starter played a defensive game for the rest of the half and went into halftime with a 3-1 lead.

During halftime, manager Sukarov said “We are leading this game and everyone is doing a good job and performing up to their expatiations. If we can keep ourselves together and take no risks then we can leave this game with a win.” With that pep talk, the team returned to the field with a hunger for their first victory of the Baptisim of Fire.

The second half started with some strong midfield play. Omelyanchuk and Bazayev played a strong game of keep away to burn some time off the clock and to preserve the lead. Omelyanchuk sped down the wing at the 57th minute and crossed it over to Tikhonov who headed it into the net making it a 4-1 game. The fans of Kanji Starter were singing in the stands and the team was pumped up. To put the icing on the cake, Marat Shunin scored his second goal of the game off Yuri Omelyanchuk free kick at the 62nd minute. The only other event of importance afterwards was the substitutions of Tikhonov, Sonsin and Kasumov with Fedkov, Sakharov, andLozenkov respectfully. The game turned into a ball control contest with no excitement in the last 25 minutes. The game ended as a 5-1 win for Kanji Starter.

http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/7541/antoileanachbw6.png (http://imageshack.us)

A beginners guide to being an away fan at an An Blascaod Mór match.

"Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Newmanistani's win."

The above is and often used phrase across the water in Sorthern Northland, and to some extent it is true. No matter what happens when Sorthern Northland and Newmanistan play, Newmanistan always seem to win, simple really. However simple the game itself may be, being there to witness it can be a whole different matter. Especially if you happen to be following the An Blascaod Mór team. For this reason we've broken down following the Islanders into a handy step by step guide to add to your confusion.

Step one: Choosing your match

Obviously to go to an away match you need to choose it, work out your method of travel and how best to avoid getting your guts kicked in by the locals.

The Opposition: Possibly the most important thing to take account of when travelling away. Unless the opposition are Sorthern Northland, chances are that the game will be played in some backwater that takes ages to get to. Handily though An Blascaod Mór is in Atlantian Oceania, home to a number of big name footballing nations and often home to the World Cup hosts, for example the next tournament will be half held in Septentrionia, while the 40th World Cup was hosted by Krytenia and Starblaydia. Of course who hosts the World Cup finals doesn't make any difference as An Blascaod Mór fans won't be following their team to the finals. Also of important consideration for An Blascaod Mór fans travelling away is how easily available alcohol is in the destination, there is nothing worse for an Islander than spending ages getting somewhere than finding the bloody place is teetotal.

Price: Due to many other nations relying on the evil spawn of capitalism products and services can often come at a hefty price to those used to the somewhat cheap economy in An Blascaod Mór. Most affordable places for Islanders tend to be nations with little to no economy where they are desperate for any spare change. Or Sorthern Northland as it is more commonly known.

The date and time: Obviously important as you wouldn't want to travel halfway across the globe, arrive five hours before kick off only to find you've arrived either after local licensing hours have finished or begun and that the game was actually three days ago. Best thing to do is to contact the local tourist office. Of course they'll probably be shut for refurbishment when you call so in all likelihood you'll just have to hope for the best.

Television: It would seem that television shouldn't be much of a concern for a nation where it doesn't exist but alas it is. Televised games serve two purposes. One is to change the kick-off time for the benefit of "armchair fans" who actually know nothing about the game and to right royally fuck it up for those fans who actually do care and want to go to the game without going at a stupid hour. The second purpose is make money, in this instance any television coverage you might see will be completely ruined by adverts every five minutes and shite punditry from so called experts.

Step two: Preparation

Getting to any match needs planning, and with An Blascaod Mór you'll need even more planning if you actually start your journey from the island.

Weather: Can be a major problem for Islanders, especially if the game is in winter. With the ferry to Sorthern Northland often being cut off for days at a time due to rough seas and/or poor weather conditions, if you are starting your journey from An Blascaod Mór you would be well advised to look at a long term weather forecast, a week or so before the game. If bad weather is on it's way and looks like staying for a few days, don't risk missing the match by staying on the island. Get the ferry across to Sorthern Northland and spend a few days there.

Once in Sorthern Northland you will obviously need to travel onwards to the nation the game is being held in. Travelling around Sorthern Northland should pose no problems for Islanders. However once at the airport/whatever port you're using to travel abroad it can get tricky. A direct mode of transport from Sorthern Northland may not be available which means you may need to travel to another nation first before travelling to the nation that is your destination. Visas and other documentation may well be required to enter these nations. Or you could try sneaking in illegally.

Also of concern is getting around foreign nations. Public transport varies greatly from country to country and in certain countries may not even be available. Add in that some nations see fit to host their games well away from any airport or even major town and more potential problems arise. Again best to check what transport arrangements exist with the local authorities.

Steps three and four to follow in tomorrows An tOileánach...

Land de Wood Sports Baptism of Fire Special
Well two games, two wins, things are going well, and we have an interview with manager Andrew Wood for you:

Larry: Good evening Andrew,
Andrew: Good evening Larry,
Larry: So two games, two wins, you've got to be pleased.
Andrew: Indeed, I am, the players have played well, we've scored plenty of goals and only let one silly one in.
Larry: Yes, a bit of a scare there against the underdogs
Andrew: They caught us on the hop, but these things happen and we made them pay.
Larry: True, were you disappointed by the sending off?
Andrew: I'm disappointed in Angel Guild, it was a silly tackle, and I think the goalie had it covered. He's been given a one match ban, and that's probably cost him his chance of winning a place in the team.
Larry: Does that mean this will be the last game you will be rotating your players.
Andrew: Yes, I wanted to give myself these three games to try players out, but as he's only had 5 minutes, I didn't get much opportunity to assess him.
Larry: How's Kevin Wallace's leg?
Andrew: It's a sprained ankle, it'll keep him out of the next game for sure, but he may well be back for the 2nd round, but we'll reassess him nearer the time.
Larry: So who gets their chance to shine this time?
Andrew: Well we haven't seen Gary Nicol in goal yet so he'll play there, Ray Hammill will be at right back, Gary Lewis and John Bell in the centre of defence, Woodrow Derby at left back. Stephen Diddon is going to hold the midfield for us this game, Aaran Whitemore and Steve Redrow will play down the wings with David Clemance in the centre and Ray Horse just in front of him, behind Katsuhito Boyd who I want another look at.
Larry: Interesting stuff, Ray Horse sure impressed with his hat-trick.
Andrew: Indeed, I want to see how him and Boyd link up at front, Wallace's injury gives Redrow another opportunity to sign at left wing.
Larry: Well I trust all goes well, and you not only win but gain some valuable insight into your players.
Andrew: Thank you, good as always to speak to you.
Larry: Good night Andrew.

So positive news about Kevin Wallace's injury and we have an interesting line up, Stephen Diddon holding the midfield and a return to four at the back.

Here's that line up for you again:
4-1-3-1-1
Gary Nicol
Richard Hammil Gary Lewis John Bell Woodrow Derby
Stephen Diddon
Aaron Whitemore David Clemance Steve Redrow
Ray Horse
Katsuhito Boyd

John Igor in a short interview with Joesph Reporter.

Reporter: So who scored the only goal of you match against New Zomboria?
Igor: Howard Anderson. Middle Fielder.
Reporter: Send my congratulations to him.
Igor: I'm sure he'll like that.
Reporter: Where is Greal currently on the rankings in Group 4?
Igor: Seems like all the teams in Group 4 are tied. The match later today will probably break the tie.
Reporter: Which team will play Greal next?
Igor: Cypron.
Reporter: Thank you for letting me interview you. I wish your team good luck.
Igor: They'll need it.

----------------------------

New Line up
3-2-2-1-3

"YOU'RE RELEASING A STATEMENT TO THE PRESS!?!?!"

"Yes."

"And whatever happened to the whole anonymity thing?"

"We'll be fine!"

"If you say so."

"Now, if you'll excuse me..." and the representative pushed the manager out of his way.

"Hello, assembled press of various interested football nations. I represent the football team of We Hate Football and have this brief
statement to make.

"We of the We Hate Football football team are not too worried about our results so far. Losing 5-1 to Land de Wood isn't a complete disaster. They're not too shabby, you know. And one win will probably see us through, anyway.

"In respect to the accusations to any potential kidnapping of the Nuevos Aries team; It didn't happen, it won't happen, it isn't happening now."

And with that, he left.

People occasionally make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are small and barely noticed. Others are on display for the whole country to see.


"It will be years before a woman either leads the Conservative Party or becomes Prime Minister. I don't see it happening in my time." (Margaret Thatcher, 1970)

"My good friends, for the second time in our history, a British Prime Minister has returned from Germany bringing peace with honour. I believe it is peace for our time." (Neville Chamberlain, 1938)

"The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job." (Ronald Reagan, 1973)

"Earlier on today, apparently, a woman rang the BBC and said she heard that there was a hurricane on the way. Well, if you're watching, don't worry, there isn't." (Michael Fish, 1987)

"As for West Zirconia, they are in turmoil following complaints about their team selection. This can only serve to undermine their confidence and help the other teams in the group. They will be lucky to come away from this with a point." (El Correo de Nuevos Aires, 2008)


History and adverse weather conditions often help to make such confident assertions fall flat on their faces, together with the people who made them. In this instance, however, it was down to the West Zirconian team to confound the critics in their opponents' press, and so they did, notching up their first ever international victory in style.

For this match, Roy Hazell made some drastic changes. To be fair, one of those changes was forced, as Ben Phillips was suspended following his sending-off against Land de Wood. The eleven chosen to start were:

GK Steve Gray (Banks)
DL Lewis Fox (St. Andrew's)
DC Matt Evans (Markham)
DC Nathan Winterton (Civil Service)
DR Paul Paterson (Bradley Hornets)
ML Ian Hawthorne (Civil Service)
MC Patrick Williams (St. Martin University)
MC Ed French (c) (Banks)
MR Anthony McGowan (Markham)
FW Martin Forster (Moorcroft City)
FW Jerome Bennett (Taylor's Cross)

There was some surprise on the announcement of this team, as the large Banks contingent had been whittled down to two - Steve Gray and Ed French, who had been promoted to captain in Ben Phillips' absence. It was surely no coincidence that Patrick Williams was given a place, considering the trouble caused by his club manager Roy Downes. Perhaps the most surprising move was Phillips' replacement at left-back, where Hazell gave an international début to Lewis Fox.

West Zirconia started very confidently, with the four newcomers especially keen to cement their places in the team. Given their rivalry in the domestic game, Patrick Williams and Ed French worked together very well in the midfield, causing the Nuevos Aires players endless problems. After only five minutes West Zirconia came close, with French sending a 20-yard shot just inches wide.

The deadlock was broken after twelve minutes. Anthony McGowan sprinted past defender Pablo Alvárez, and put in a perfect cross onto the head of Martin Forster, who left goalkeeper Raúl Hernández completely stranded - a perfect start to Forster's international career. Hernández was subsequently booked for arguing with the referee, after vehemently claiming that Forster was offside. Replays subsequently showed that McGowan's pass was going away from the goal-line, and so Forster could not have been offside.

Nuevos Aires tried to get back into the game, and just before the half-hour Roberto Diaz forced an excellent save from Steve Gray, who is proving himself to be a top-class goalkeeper. Five minutes later it was Diaz again, only to shoot wide from ten yards out. However, just before the break, West Zirconia stepped up a gear, and were rewarded when Jerome Bennett took on two Nuevos Aires defenders, and slotted the ball past Hernández in the bottom corner.

Even at 2-0, the game could still have gone either way, and within five minutes the excitement mounted as Diaz' hard work was finally rewarded with a splendid goal, a volley from a Jesús Romero cross. However, the game changed within ten minutes, when Alvárez was penalised for bringing down French just outside the penalty area. Alvárez delivered a volley of abuse at the referee, only to discover that the Candelarian official was also fluent in Spanish and had understood every word. He did not wait for the red card to be produced before walking off the field. French scored from the resulting free-kick, and at 3-1 the game was over as a contest.

With the game more or less won, Roy Hazell decided to give Ceri Hall another chance after his disappointing showing against Land de Wood. He replaced Anthony McGowan, while Ryan Gregory came on for Nathan Winterton, who appeared to be struggling.

Hall was more impressive this time, setting up Bennett in the 70th minute, only for the Taylor's Cross striker to blast his effort over the bar. He even tried a long-range shot himself, but that came to nothing. The victory was sealed three minutes from time, when a long ball from Lewis Fox found the feet of French. His shot came off the post, but Forster hammered in the rebound.

Overall, this was a much better performance overall, and the team can go into their final game against We Hate Football with some confidence.

West Zirconia 4-1 Nuevos Aires
Forster 12,87____Diaz 50
Bennett 44
French 59

Booked: Hernández (Nuevos Aires) 12
Sent off: Alvárez (Nuevos Aires) 59



[Two OOC issues here. First, I hope it was OK to include RL how-wrong-can-you-be quotes. Secondly, as Nuevos Aires hadn't posted a roster, rather than just write "a Nuevos Aires defender", etc. I gave some of them names, assuming the country to be Spanish-speaking. I hope that in both cases I haven't broken some vital etiquette. Apologies if I have.]

Group 1

Kanji Starter 7-0 Lingdinis Insania
Tomarian 0-3 Glaycia

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Kanji Starter 3 2 1 0 12 1 11 7
2 Glaycia 3 2 1 0 7 0 7 7
3 Tomarian 3 1 0 2 3 9 -6 3
4 Lingdinis Insania 3 0 0 3 1 13 -12 0


Group 2

Cauci 0-2 Spazican States
Magna Sancta Sedes 3-0 Ron Paulovia

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Magna Sancta Sedes 3 3 0 0 8 1 7 9
2 Spazican States 3 2 0 1 4 3 1 6
3 Ron Paulovia 3 1 0 2 3 5 -2 3
4 Cauci 3 0 0 3 1 7 -6 0


Group 3

Nuevos Aires 0-1 Land de Wood
West Zirconia 0-1 We Hate Football

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Land de Wood 3 3 0 0 8 1 7 9
2 We Hate Football 3 2 0 1 4 6 -2 6
3 West Zirconia 3 1 0 2 4 4 0 3
4 Nuevos Aires 3 0 0 3 2 7 -5 0


Group 4

Cypron 1-3 Greal
Icy Cold Death Touch 1-1 New Zomboria

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Greal 3 2 0 1 4 2 2 6
2 Icy Cold Death Touch 3 1 1 1 2 2 0 4
3 New Zomboria 3 1 1 1 2 2 0 4
4 Cypron 3 1 0 2 2 4 -2 3


Group 5

Sineki 2-1 Kannone
Liventia 1-1 An Blascaod Mor

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 An Blascaod Mor 3 1 2 0 6 3 3 5
2 Liventia 3 1 2 0 4 2 2 5
3 Sineki 3 1 1 1 4 5 -1 4
4 Kannone 3 0 1 2 2 6 -4 1

Play-off result: New Zomboria 0-1 Icy Cold Death Touch

2nd Group Stage information will be posted soon.

Due to the "Perfect Tie" between New Zomboria and Icy Cold Death Touch will be posted soon as well

Group A

Kanji Starter
Magna Sancta Sedes
Land de Wood
Greal
An Blascaod Mor

Group B

Glaycia
Spazican States
We Hate Football
Icy Cold Death Touch
Liventia


Group C
New Zomboria
Tomarian
Ron Paulovia
West Zirconia
Sineki


Group D

Lingdinis Insania
Cauci
Nuevos Aires
Cypron
Kannone

Fixtures:
MD 1: 2 vs. 5 3 vs. 4 Bye 1
MD 2: 1 vs. 3 4 vs. 5 Bye 2
MD 3: 1 vs. 5 2 vs. 4 Bye 3
MD 4: 1 vs. 2 3 vs. 5 Bye 4
MD 5: 1 vs. 4 2 vs. 3 Bye 5

Fixtures for Final: (A1 = Top team in Group A, B3= 3rd team in group B)
A1 vs. D1
B5 vs. C4
A2 vs. C3
B1 vs. C1
A3 vs. B3
A5 vs. B2
A4 vs. C2
B4 vs. C5

Some information about this group stage can be found here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13901763&postcount=5576).

"Another group stage?"

"Yup."

"OK, I like this. How do we have to do this time?"

"Well, according to the information given to us by the hosts, the top five in the next stage go through. If we keep up the level of play we had against West Zirconia, I'm sure we'll make that easily."

"We defended well, I was pleased with that. So how many teams are in this next group?"

"Five."

"So what you mean is, no matter how useless we are, we cannot fail?"

"No, that's the hosts."

"What is?"

"FAIL."

"Eh?"

"That's the name of the local association. So it's not us."

"I know that. What I was trying to say is that we don't have to win."

"Well, we'll appear on it."

"You're really not undertanding me, are you?"

Land de Wood Sports Baptism of Fire Special

So here is our final group game before the knockout stages begin (or at least that's what we thought but more on that later)
Nuevos Aires had yet to win a game and so should have been easy pickings for us.
But throughout the first half their defense remained strong and the couple of times we broke through Boyd shot wide. Our best chance came when Steve Redrow made a great run down the left and got a lovely cross in but Boyd's header was well saved.
Half time and no goals. The Woodpeckers need to step up a gear.
Andrew Wood obviously had words at half time becuase David Clemance made a startling run from the midfield, fed Ray Horse but again the goalie saved it. This goalie is playing out of his skin.
Hoggins came on for Boyd in the sixtieth minute and two minutes later headed home Whitemore's cross to finally break the deadlock.
Neuvos Aires managed one or two attacks but couldn't find the equaliser, and a poor game ended Land de Wood 1-0 Neuvos Aires.
Man of the match: Neuvos Aires' goalie
Worst man on the pitch: Boyd failling to get a goal

So back to our earlier comment, we were now expecting the bottom teams to play a repechage round to find a 16th team, however, the organisers have decided all the teams should play in groups of 5 to decide seeding for the "round of 16". So we get a chance to prove ourselves against the other group toppers: Kanji Starter, Magna Sancta Sedes, Greal, An Blascaod Mor

<two old Glaycians watching the win again>

"Well Inga looks like we're in. Another shutout, ain't no one gonna break through our defense looks like."

"Actually Ludden, we're back in groups again."

"What do you mean its on to the knockouts!"

"No dear, we're grouped with all the second place teams now and doing it again for ranking and all that."

"Dang-gum it Inga, how do they expect us to keep these new fangled scenarios straight!"

"Don;t worry Ludden, there's going to be one good match i hear."

"Waht's that?"

"Icy Cold Death Touch, i bet they enjoy nice seasonably cool weather like we do. maybe they'll set up an ice rink for this one."

"Ooh that'll be a frosty contest for sure Inga. Bet that gets the best ratings around these here parts."

"I'm sure they will dear."

Kanji Starter destroys Lingdinis Insania 7-0 in dominating win

Today was probably one of the greatest accomplishments in the history of the Kanji Starter National team. Not only did Kanji Starter win in an amazing 7-0 margin, Marat Shunin scored a hatrick and Konstantin Komkovgot his second clean sheet of the tournament

It was a cool day with a light northeast wind at Rome National Stadium in the city of Bybottom. Kanji Starter started with the ball and never seemed to let up. The first goal happened at the seven minute mark when Marat Shunin got through the defence and shot the ball into the left side of the net making it 1-0. At the thirteen minute mark, Lingdinis Insania had their only real chance at a goal when #7 shot a hard shot at the left side of the net but it went wide right. This was a mistake because Alexander Kanchelskis picked up the ball and ran up the field. The Lingdinis Insania defense didn’t recognize the counter and fell apart. As a result, Alexander Kanchelskis scored his first goal at the 15th minute and it was a 2-0 game. The pace of the game slowed for the next 10 minutes and the Kanji Starter players basked in the glory of the 20,000 + fans that came to watch them play. The team then went back to an up-tempo pace at the 28th minute when Amir Izmailov scored on a free kick giving Kanji Starter a 3-0 lead. This kick started the team’s heart and the next eight minutes were something that would be discussed for years. Four minutes later off a Yuri Omelyanchuk corner, Marat Shunin scored his second goal and gave the Kanji Starter national team an insurmountable lead. This didn’t slow the team down though. At the 32nd minute, Yevgeny Tikhonov headed a goal into the net from a Yuri Omelyanchuk cross, taking Kanji Starter up 4-0. The shining moment was when Marat Shunin broke free on a breakaway and shot his third goal into the net off the left goalpost. This gave him a hat trick and for the next five minutes, there was a standing ovation by the over 20,000 fans that came from Kanji Starter to cheer their hometeam on. Kanji Starter then slowed the pace of the game down and went into halftime with a 5-0 lead.

Manager Sukarov, decided to go through some substitutions. He took out Marat Shunin and Yevgeny Tikhonov and replaced them with Sergey Sapin and Alexander Fedkov. This was designed so Shunin could get some rest and the rest of the team could play a more defensive game. The team came out rested with a stragty of ball control and not to obtain any cards that could hurt them in the next round.

The second half started with a bit of midfield play that led to another attack towards the Lingdinis Insania goal. This attack was finished off by Oleg Kasumov outfoxing a defender and scoring the sixth goal of the game. The game then slowed down after the sixth goal and turned into a game of rundown the clock. The show in the crouds was more interesting then the game with flairs being set off and flags flying and fans chanting “Kanji number 1”. The show in the stands was more interesting then the rest of the game because it turned into a blowout that was boring for everybody but the Kanji fans. The final thing of note is that Sergey Sapin scored a goal at the 76th minute making it 7-0 and giving Kanji Starter an dominating win to exit the group stage with.

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS gave a sermon today, citing the virtue of chastity. "A man does not rest with a woman unless he has been given right by God to do so. So it is with a woman. Anything else is just plain taboo." He later went on to criticize the state of Ron Paulovia, for sending a team of really old men. We've got a picture right here for you:

http://www.esoterically.net/weblog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/ron_paul_full.jpg

Regardless of what the Pope said, the MHRFT managed to play off the Ron Paulovia team, with extreme chastity. The first half was a dull and unexciting affair, where the team scored three goals in five minutes. After that, the team began to play characteristic football, bouncing the ball out of the field several times into the crowd. Father Thomas Aquinas stated, "If we are left with all of the balls on the field, how should we be charitable when there are people left in the stands without any?" The referees were tired of chasing the balls out of the stands, and started giving red cards to anyone who kicked the ball out, giving a red card even to Father Thomas Aquinas, who ran upon the field and threw the ball into the stands before being tackled to the ground. The team remembered the virtue of patience and played out the remainder of the match, but only Heaven knows how they played with extreme chastity.

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS, in later private consultation, criticized the BoF Hosts for their FAILure in clarifying the BoF schedule in advance to the confusion that would ensue. "When no one gets eliminated in the first round, you've got to ask questions. The equivalent is God inviting every person and then sorting out the sinners in Heaven, and God doesn't do that." When asked what God does do, the Pope explained fervently, "He doesn't do that." Nonetheless, our reports suggest that a lot of other people - Catholic and non-Catholic alike - were disgusted at the handling of the BoF Group Stage. "The BoF Hosts FAILed to satisfy their customers!" remarked one spectator, demanding a refund from FAIL.

Regardless, the MHRFT will be playing 4 more games before the Lord should fully witness their arrival at the knockout stages - an opportunity to demonstrate humility in front of the other fore-runners in the tournament. Their first opponents shall be the dreaded Celts from An Blascaod Mor. Their next opponents shall be from Greal, which is less like reality than grease. After Greal shall come the Kanji Starter team, which sounds like a bunch of letters teaching elementary math. And finally, we shall have the Land de Wood, who have neither demonstrated their proclivity to salvation nor to damnation (but they certainly like wood). Against them all, may God have mercy upon us, upon those who confront us, and upon the BoF Hosts, for we have all sinned and fallen short of the true Glory (but some of us have fallen farther than others).

Caveat Peccatum.


MD1: vs http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/d/d9/150px-Brave_mel.jpg

MD3: vs http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2007/05/04/grease460.jpg

MD4: vs http://www.japanesetextbook.com/kanji-5-migi-copy.gif

MD5: vs http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/4/4d/300px-Taxus_wood.jpg

(sorry all was hospitalized after a car crash here is my roster)

The Spazican Football Federation is Pleased to Announced its Inaugural National team for the 29th Baptism of Fire

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=53027822&albumID=2400122&imageID=35550428

Homehttp://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=53027822&albumID=2400122&imageID=35550428#a=2400122&i=35550430Awayhttp://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=53027822&albumID=2400122&imageID=35550428#a=2400122&i=35550429

Manager: Derrick Thomas
Assistant: Bret Smith
Trainer: Jeff Mederos
Formation 4-4-2

Starting 11

GK: #00 Gary Valentino(Capital FC)
LB: #4 Doug Winnard (New Spazia)
CB: #7 Don Ink (FC Dorado)
CB: #22 Alex Haughey (Spazia City)
RB: #6 Roger Daltry (New Cambridge United)
LM: #9 Neil Smith (Capital FC)
CDM:#3Vince Allen(Park City United)
CAM:#2 Darrell Scott (Moorpark United)
RM: #1 Josh Smith(Moorpark United)
ST: #13 Jon Daniels( Dorado FC)
ST: #5 Josh Levy (New Spazia)



Subs
GK Richard Roberson, Jeff Singletary
FB Mike Rogers, Andy Nicholson, Emory Michaelson
MF Darren Stone, Andy Joseph, Dylan Michael
FW Mitch Diaz, Rick Wolski, Eric Silva

West Zirconian coach Roy Hazell has expressed his complete disbelief at the qualifying process for the next round of the Baptism of Fire. He had been expecting to bring his team back home after their 1-0 defeat to We Hate Football meant that they finished their group in third place, only to find out that the top three had in fact qualified, and that they were to be involved in a round-robin group with other third-placed teams to determine the seeding for that next round.

"Naturally, I'm pleased we're still in with a chance, but I'm sure we weren't told about this at the start," said a very puzzled Hazell. "It'll be difficult getting our players ready, considering they thought they'd been eliminated."

Captain Ben Phillips said, "We were gutted when we lost the game [against We Hate Football] in the last few minutes, and now this happens - I just hope we'll be ready for the next game. Hopefully the other teams in the group will be feeling the same sense of confusion. That should make for an interesting game."

That next game will be against Ron Paulovia, whose players were no doubt equally confused by the change in rules. The only doubt for West Zirconia will be Ryan Gregory, who picked up a knock in the We Hate Football game.

John Igor in a short interview with Joesph Reporter.

Reporter: I congratulate you of your 3-1 victory over Cypron. It was well deserved.
Igor: Thank you, again, the credit should go to Howard Anderson (One goal), Ross Trent (one goal), and Sam Hardy (one goal) before he was too injured to play in the rest of the game.
Reporter: My sympathies go with him. Now your team is in Group A correct?
Igor: Since we have the most points, yes.
Reporter: Will the matches be tough?
Igor: We are facing some good teams who have won themselves, hopefully Greal will make the best out of it.
Reporter: Who is your next opponent?
Igor: Our next opponent is Land de Wood. They have an impressive team.
Reporter: What is your opinion of what will happen?
Igor: Anything could happen. I personally hope both teams get some good out of the next match.
Reporter: Hopefully captain.
Igor: I have to go now. Tomorrow same location?
Reporter: Same location

[OOC: Clearly the four hour extension was a waste, since no one used it. *wink*. Tables will be posted after Matchday 5.]

Matchday 4 Scores

Group A
Magna Sancta Sedes 1-1 An Blascaod Mor
Land de Wood 2-1 Greal

Group B
Spazican States 1-3 Liventia
We Hate Football 4-2 Icy Cold Death Touch

Group C
Tomarian 1-0 Sineki
Ron Paulovia 0-2 West Zirconia

Group D
Cauci 0-0 Kannone
Nuevos Aires 3-2 Cypron

[OOC: I would have done, but I was busy fighting off a virus. Oops...]



The phone at the WZFA office had been remarkably busy today. Mostly it had been concerning the format of the rest of the Baptism of Fire. One call had even come from the Candelarian ambassador, Beth Gilsenan, expressing regret at West Zirconia's elimination from the competition - only to be corrected in as gentle and grateful way as possible. The receptionist had spent virtually the whole day either passing calls on to Damon Clarke or alternatively fobbing callers off with excuses as to why he was unavailable to talk at present. This one, however, she knew had to go through.

"Damon? Roy Downes here." Damon's eyes rolled in disbelief. "Have you any idea what's going on with this competition? Are we in it or aren't we?"

"Well, as far as I see it, we are, but I don't know any more from there." Damon realised how stupid this sounded, but it was as much as he knew.

"Surely you of all people should know?"

"I've just been speaking to James, and he said he'd spoken to Ben Phillips, and that even he didn't know what was going on." He was beginning to confuse himself, so who knows what effect this was having on Roy. "All Ben had said was that they had another three games, but he didn't know whether they were some sort of repechage or a seeding group or what. Let's face it, if even the team captain doesn't know what's going on, how the hell are we supposed to know?"

"So who are they playing in this group, then?"

That Damon did know. "Ron Paulovia this afternoon, then Sineki, then Tomarian, then North Zomboria." Then a pause long enough for both men to work out that they hadn't heard of any of them. "I suppose all we have to do is win all those games; then we can't go wrong, can we?"

Another awkward pause led Damon to believe that Roy had his doubts. "By the way, Patrick's been playing very well in the past couple of games. He and Ed French seem to work very well together."

"So I suppose Banks will be sniffing round him after this tournament, then?"

"Well, I can't say, can I? You know who you'd have to ask about that."

Not that Roy Hazell would give anything away, of course. He was too shrewd for that. Besides, the worst thing at present would be transfer speculation putting players off the task in hand. Already the Bradley Observer has carried a rumour linking Paul Paterson with a foreign club, and who is to say there will not be any further rumours, especially if their performances improve.

"Roy, rest assured that our lads will do all they can to go as far as they can. That's all we can ask of them, isn't it?"

"I suppose so. Just let me know when any of you knows what's happening."

"Will do."

http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/7541/antoileanachbw6.png (http://imageshack.us)

A beginners guide to being an away fan at an An Blascaod Mór match.

The second in a more than one part guide, this article is the follow up to part one of the guide. Part one dealt with choosing the match to attend and preparing for it. Part two will deal with what to do upon arrival at you destination, and how to behave during the game.

Step Three: Endearing yourself to the locals

It is fair to say that with the Irish heritage of An Blascaod Mór, this is something that will come fairly easy to Islanders, but why is endearing oneself to the locals a good thing to do?

Well for a start the more they like you, the less likely you are to get involved in any trouble with them or end up on the wrong side of the law, both of which exactly make your experience much better. Unless you enjoy those kind of things.

So how then do you go about endearing yourself to the locals? As with all such things there is no set way and indeed it will vary from country to country and even within those countries. For that reason your best bet would be to do some research before hand to find out the customs of your destination, and what is and isn't acceptable. For example if you end up somewhere that frowns upon alcohol with a brewery in your wake, chances are the locals aren't going to be too impressed. Similarly showing your admiration for figures such as Ben O'Bagels in somewhere such as Bostopia won't go down too well.

Step Four: The Game

With the pre-match journey/drinking/meal/orgy/chosen activity over it is time to head to the stadium. As long as the game is a major one finding the stadium shouldn't be too tricky and the easiest way to find it would to befriend a local and follow them. Unless you are absolutely certain of the route to the stadium and where it is, going alone is not advisable. Plenty of stadiums have their own "Shuttle" buses which generally run from the local town/city centre to the stadium. However these can vary wildly in price and are also liable to getting stuck in traffic should you leave it late. Another way of getting to the ground is to hire a taxi, but again this is usually expensive. However if travelling with a group, the fare can be shared out.

Once at the ground you will need to find your seat. Crowds at football are generally segregated between home and away fans and depending on where you got your ticket you could be in either section. "Unofficial" ticket sales (touts etc) are likely to be amongst the home fans, should you have one of these tickets your best bet is to cover any colours that may give you away, keep quiet when your team scores and refrain from generally making it obvious you're in the wrong end. This can understandably make for quite a dull experience.

However get a ticket in the away end and the game will be a lot more lively. Fans that travel away are generally more devout supporters and are more willing to back their team with vocal support. Other than vocal support such as songs or chants, other methods of displaying support can be banners, flags, and flares. If you are looking to take any of these items be aware that certain places will refuse to let you into the stadium until you have given up the items. Flares in particular can cause some trouble in certain nanny-state cultures.

Also advisable during the match is to not try and invade the pitch, not try charging at police or try making your way into the home stands. Whilst loud vocal support can sometimes to be linked to hooliganism and violence, it is very possible to be a part of a loud, colourful crowd without violence being a part of it. Unfortunately some people will link the two together and in certain places you may notice a more hostile approach by local police to large groups of fans using any of the above methods.

Part three of the guide will deal with the after match rituals, tomorrow in An tOileánach...

John Igor in a short interview with Joesph Reporter

Reporter: I congratulate your players today. Though they did lose the game, they played brilliantly.
Igor: Thank you. Our opponent's team was excellent today, and won, Ross Trent our only goal of the game.
Reporter: Will this loss lead to anything?
Igor: We may change the team formation.
Reporter: There are rumors that you may retire. Is it true.
Igor: Its not true, I will not retire for a long time.
Reporter: Just asking, so your next opponent will be equally tough I suppose.
Igor: Yes, but anything can happen in a football match. Anything can happen.
Reporter: Good luck on your match today.
Igor: Thank you, because every team needs it.

New Team Formation
3-2-1-2-3

"Another win!"

"Wooohoo!"

"Thanks for the help by the way."

"No problem. I thought fitting each of our players with a small battery operated heater to fight off the Icy Cold Death Touch was a stroke of genius on my part."

"Yeah, it did put our defence off a little, but on the whole, I think it might have helped."

"Well, I'll tell the players to do the same thing against Glaycia, too."

"Are you sure that's such a good idea? I mean, they're probably expecting it, now, and they'll come onto the pitch with a pocket sized fan each... or pour liquid nitrogen over the pitch before the start or something."

"Nonsense! We've done it once, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to do it again!"

"You do realise that I could just try and tactically outmanoeuvre them?"

"Yeah, but anything to help, yeah?"

"Why do you always do this to us...?"

Land de Wood Sports Baptism of Fire Special

At the start of this competition we spoke about the unknowns, well today was the start of another unknown that of the unknown 2nd group stage. Up to this point it was unknown that there would be an unknown 2nd group stage, however, now it is known it is not unknown so therefore can no longer be called unknown so we should really call it the group stage formally known as the unknown 2nd group stage, but then as it was unknown then it was unknown as the unknown 2nd group stage and therefore wasn't formally known as the unknown 2nd group stage, so we'll just call it the 2nd group stage and be done with it. (confused yet, we are!)

Anyhow, there was a match played today between ourselves and Greal. Greal were as far as we were concerned another unknown to us, what we did know about them is that they were beatable, they had won 2 games but lost 1 in what turned out to be the first group stage, whereas we were hitherto unbeaten and determined to stay that way.
Due to a breakdown in the international communication system we were not given a roster before the game, however, apparently due to the aforementioned breakdown the team was left exactly the same for fear of miscommunication causing greater problems for the team. So the team that was disappointing against Nuevos Aires had a chance to redeem themselves against a Greal team playing an interesting 3-2-2-1-3 formation.

In the first few minutes Greal looked good making some good attacks and even having a shot on goal through Ross Trent but it was well saved by Gary Nicol. Then in the twelve minute of the game John Igor made a good run from midfield, and set Ross Trent up for a sensational goal struck from the edge of the penalty area, 25 yards from goal. Greal kept the momentum up and could have had a couple more but for fine saves from Gary Nicol and a goal line clearance from Gary Lewis.
Half time, the Woodpeckers are a goal down and after last game's poor perfomance are not looking good as the supposed favourites for the tournament.
Andrew Wood well aware of the need for fresh impetus brought off Richard Hammil and John Bell for David Aimer and Larry Derby, switching to a 3-5-2 fromation with Didon moving back to join Lewis and Aimer at the back, Derby moving up to left wing back and Aaron Whitemore dropping back to right wing back. Larry derby joined David Clemance in the middle of the park with Ray Horse continuing in the hole, and Steve Redrow joining Boyd in attack.
The switch paid dividends in the fourth minute of the game, Larry Derby played the ball square to David Clemance who made a run from midfield before playing it to Steve Redrow who run through the middle of the Greal defence before striking home from 12 yards out. 1-1, the scores are level and it is game on.
Greal tried to get back into the game but with the Derby now in the middle of the park and the wing backs tracking back there was no way through.
Land de Wood made the odd attack one in particular was a run down the right by Whitemore fully 60 yards of the pitch, before crossing it in but Boyd headed wide.
Then with just 6 minutes to go Ray Horse was fed the ball by David Clemance, Horse galloped towards goal, before playing it across to Boyd, whose shot was parried by Raul Grant, who did well to get to it, but the ball fell straight to Redrow who struck home a beauty. 2-1 and the Woodpeckers are getting back to their best.
The manager decided it was time for Wallace to make a welcome return from injury coming on for Woodrow Derby to keep the pressure on, he managed one good run down the left but Boyd headed wide the resulting cross.
Final score: Land de Wood 2-1 Greal
Man of the match: Steve Redrow, whether at left wing or upfront impressed
Worst man: Boyd again failling to find the net.
A victory but again not the greatest performance.

We are hearing that Boyd will be dropped from the next game, and here's the line up that will play:

Gary Nicol
David Aimer Gary Lewis Stephen Diddon
Aaron Whitemore David Clemance Larry Derby Woodrow Derby
Ray Horse
Richard Higgins Steve Redrow

So a return to the 3-5-2 formation and Larry Derby and David Aimer did enough as subsitutes to win a place back in the team, we also see Richard Higgins come in for Boyd upfront.
This will be a tough game, Kanji Starter had a rest yesterday and in their last game won 7-0. But the Woodpeckers seem to have found the right system and players now after that second half so it should be an interesting game.

Round two Preview

Kanji Starter won their group in the first round in a strong fashion going 2-0-1 and taking the group with seven points. They are now in group two for round two which guarantees them a trip to round 3 no matter where they finish. They will be going up against other group winners. These other teams are Magna Sancta Sedes, Land de Wood, Greal and An Blascaod Mor. Expatiations are high for a strong showing to put Kanji Starter up against a weak opponent in round three and to help them get deep into the tournament

Our first opponent is Land de Wood. Land de Wood was one of only two teams to win all of their games in stage one and are considered by bookies as a favorite to win the tournament outright. Goaltender Gary Nichol is considered a question at age 34 of him being past his pear and if he can keep up with the fast paced Kanji Starter offence which is leading the tournament with 11 goals scored in the first three games. The Land De Wood defence is expected to have the advantage because of questions surrounding Roman Titov’s return and if Efimov and Sonsin can play at the same level against high calibre teams. Land de Wood has the star defender Aimer, a good leader in Lewis and a utility player in Diddon. The midfield is where the game will be won or lost. Whitmore and Omelyanchuk are players that are both well known for their crossing style and it will be interesting to see them compete on the field. The Derby cousins are two speedsters who will be the key if the midfield can keep up with the fast paced Kanji Starter side. Clemance will be a target of the Kanji Starter defence due to his ability to score and as skills as a playmaker. The offence is where Kanji Starter has an advantage. Marat Shunin and Amir Izmailov have been the most powerful offensive duo in the whole tournament and Marat is coming off a hotstreak where he scored a hattrick in his last game. The Land de Wood offence has a young and inexperienced Richard Higgins and Steve Redrow who is a strong player but isn’t a team leader in any way.

In conclusion, I have to give the advantage to Kanji Starter. They have a better goalie in Komkov who has proved his worth in the first three games of the tournament, the best offence in Shunin and Izmailov and an equal midfield. If Land de Wood wants to win, they need to use their defence to shut down Kanji Starter’s offence and to control the midfeild. My score prediction kanji Starter 2, Land de Wood 1.


Lineup:

GK: Konstantin Komkov
RB: Dimitri Efimov
CB: Pavel Sonsin
CB: Roman Titov
LB: Alexander Kanchelskis
RMF: Yuri Omelyanchuk
MF: Oleg Kasumov
LMF:Robert Bazayev (C)
ATMF:Yevgeny Tikhonov
ST: Amir Izmailov
ST: Marat Shunin

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS was vocally irate at the inability of the holiest men in the Holy See to quash a bunch of naked Celts (nevermind the players were actually all wearing their kits, and the locals all seem to be normal human beings). "This is a grand conspiracy against the Holy Catholic Church, and the organizers of the BoF have FAILed to hide their anti-Catholic stance. It's been in their blood since day 1." Why the Pope is still ranting about the apparently and undenied anti-Catholic stance of teh BoF is still unknown. What is known is that the MHRFT will be taking a break for their next matchday, before coming back against the greasers of Greal.

Tacitus blames the absence of Father Thomas Aquinas presence from the pitch to be the sole reason for the failure of the Holy Team from vanquishing the Celtic team. "His guidance was crucial for the team in the previous matches, and to see him absent was a morale crusher for the team. Surprising still was the team's ability to equalize late in the match and the saving grace God gave the hands of Father Petrus Chrysologus. "Where was a standing man, now stands a wall of stone that no football can penetrate," remarked Tacitus. "Except for one," he added pithily soon thereafter.

For the last statement of the evening, Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS vehemently detested the BoF Hosts FAILure to provide an adequate list of rosters for teams participating in the BoF, considering some teams FAILed to send teams at all. Furthermore, the BoF Hosts FAILed to discredit certain teams who had suddenly FAILed to exist (nevermind that the Pope doesn't know who is or is not existing at the moment), and the BoF Hosts FAILed to accommodate the Pope's unaforementioned desire to see their Organization Heads to convert to Catholicism, recanting their beliefs in WIN and FAIL. "Only in this manner can FAIL be saved from WIN," he spoke without much comprehension of what he was saying.

Matchday 5 Scores

Group A

Land de Wood 3-2 Kanji Starter
An Blascaod More 3-1 Greal

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Land de Wood 2 2 0 0 5 3 2 6
2 An Blascaod Mor 2 1 1 0 4 2 2 4
3 Magna Sancta Sedes 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1
4 Kanji Starter 1 0 0 1 2 3 -1 0
5 Greal 2 0 0 2 2 5 -3 0

Group B

Glaycia 1-2 We Hate Football
Icy Cold Death Touch 0-2 Liventia

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Liventia 2 2 0 0 5 1 4 6
2 We Hate Football 2 2 0 0 5 2 3 6
3 Glaycia 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0
4 Spazican States 1 0 0 1 1 3 -2 0
5 Icy Cold Death Touch 2 0 0 2 2 6 -4 0

Group C

New Zomboria 1-0 Ron Paulovia
West Zirconia 5-1 Sineki

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 West Zirconia 2 2 0 0 7 1 6 6
2 New Zomboria 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 3
3 Tomarian 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 3
4 Ron Paulovia 2 0 0 2 0 3 -3 0
5 Sineki 2 0 0 2 1 6 -5 0

Group D

Lingdinis Insania 1-1 Nuevos Aires
Cypron 2-1 Kannone

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Nuevos Aires 2 1 1 0 4 3 1 4
2 Cypron 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3
3 Lingdinis Insania 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1
4 Cuaci 1 0 1 0 0 0 0 1
5 Kannone 2 0 1 1 1 2 -1 1

Captain Igor cursed silently after another loss for Greal. There had to be a change in tactics. Their next game will be equally tough.


New Team Formation
2-2-1-2-4

Here we have two titans of football teams. Our "Woodpeckers" seemed to come of the boil two games ago and weren't great for the first half of the last game, but found their form again in the second half of that game, but the sign of a good team is one that wins even when it plays badly.
Our opponents the hitherto unbeaten Kanji Starter who have played some exciting football in this tournament.

The game got of to a flying start, Kasumov plays the ball across to Robert Bazayev who was in fine form for his club going into this tournament and carrying on that fine form again today, made a darting run down the left, beating Whitemore who struggled to get back after a Woodpeckers attack, Bazayev put in a lovely cross and Shunin volleyed his team into the lead after just three minutes of the game.
In the tenth minute Whitemore got down the left wing well, played a one two with Horse before crossing it in, the cross was picked up by Redrow he played the ball back across to Higgins who struck home the equilizer. 1-1 game on.
Fiveteen minutes gone, Bazayev again gets down the left wing well, but his cross is cleared by Lewis. Whitemore is not getting back quick enough. Andrew Wood tells Woodrow Derby to drop back to left back, and Aimer move out to right back as they switch to a 4-4-1-1, Redrow switching to left wing. The Woodpeckers forced into an early tactical change then, but such is the flexibility of this Woodpecker's squad they should adapt fine.
Aimer seems to have more success keeping Bazayev quiet, and Whitemore is free to attack more down the wing but Alexander Kanchelskis is keeping an eye on him.
Tikhonov finds some space in the twenty-eigth minute, bursting forward towards the area, Larry Derby brings him down. That's a yellow card for Derby and a free kick for Kanji Starter. Omelyanchuk steps up and takes it Nicol fumbles it and the ball is cleared into row Z by Lewis. Nicol is not looking confident in goal.
The half time whistle is about to blow when Kanji Starter have another good attack. Kasumov plays the ball out to Omelyanchuk who gets down the wing well, crosses the ball in and Tikhonov is unmarked and heads home. 2-1 and Land de Wood are behind.
The second half begins with Land de Wood making a change, Larry Derby coming of for Ray Hamil, with Aimer moving into the centre of defence and Diddon pushed into a defensive midfield position to neutralise Tikhonov.
Diddon seems to have the measure of Tikhonov, beating him in the air and on the ground a couple of times when in the twelve minute David Clemance breaks from midfield, plays the ball to Horse who takes on the Kanji Starter defense, before playing the ball across to Higgins, who equalises, 2-2.
Nine minutes later, the Woodpeckers aren't interested in a draw here, Kevin Wallace is coming on for Ray Horse, and Steve Redrow is coming of for Gary Hoggins.
With Tikhonov and Bazayev kept quiet by Diddon and Aimer, the Woodpeckers are starting to win the balance of play.
Ten minutes left on the clock, Wallace races down then left wing, crosses the ball in and Hoggins heads home, 3-2 and the Woodpeckers are infront.
Kanji Starter launch a couple more attacks as the game progresses but the Woodpeckers defense is as solid as any tree, and there's now way through.
An exciting game ends 3-2, the Woodpeckers remain unbeaten.

Man of the match: Richard Higgins with two good goals.
Worst player: Gary Nicol didn't look comfortable in goal.
Our yellow cards: Larry Derby, Steve Redrow, David Clemance

http://img362.imageshack.us/img362/433/antoileanachcw4.png (http://imageshack.us)

Is Anti-Catholicism at heart of the Baptism of FAIL?

The Magna Sancta Sedes certainly seems to think so. In the latest of his speeches the charismatic Holy One, His Holiness Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS claimed his nations inability to get anything more than a win against An Blascaod Mór is nothing more than a FAIL led conspiracy against the Holy Catholic Church. The team who have us down as "naked Celts" in a manner that is seemingly not intended to be taken as a compliment, have at a number of times already appeared to look down at anyone (ie:everyone) they perceive to non-Catholic in a not too pleasant manner.

But whilst the Magna Sancta Sedes is sure a conspiracy is afoot, Father Cormic O'Bryon of the parish of Dún Chaoin which An Blascaod Mór falls under though isn't so sure. Speaking after mass with the players following the 3-1 victory Father Cormic said, "I understand the concerns of His Holiness, but I really don't think there is any anti-Catholicism at work here, in fact the team tell me they have been treated with the utmost respect here, and have found the local Catholic churches and congregations most welcoming. Although I did notice that the organising committee labelled us as An Blascaod More rather than the correct An Blascaod Mór, we think though this was a mistake as they tried translated into English and wish to inform the hosts the English translation would be the Great Blasket Island. As said we feel this was a genuine mistake and ask God to forgive this minor sin, although in the other hand no one would expect the FAIL inquisition would they? His Holiness and Magna Sancta Sedes though are correct to be wary for their are some dark souls out there. The Baptism of Fire is nothing compared to the cursed ones that shall be at the World Cup, and yes I'm talking of the sinners from The Archregimancy, may God have mercy upon their souls and may God bless, and forgive the well meaning souls of Magna Sancta Sedes."

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS spoke at mass, following a reading of the complete Liturgy of Saint Iohannes Chyrsostomus (ironically, one of the fellows leading the MHRFT at the BoF). He spoke of a FAIL Inquisition, planning to send one of the leading figures in the MSS Inquisition, Father Thomas de Turrecremata. Of course, the Pope also mentioned that as the BoF Hosts had yet to declare any parishes to Catholicism, there was no population among the faithful to inquire. Nonetheless, it is largely expected that Father Thomas de Turrecremata will be accompanying the team into the World Cup, regardless of the results at the Baptism of FAIL. The Pope also decried against the "abhorrent blasphemy" of using the term "baptism" in connotation with non-sacred rites of passage. "Whereas the unbelievers would prefer salvation without God, we prefer to have God before salvation, for it is through the saving Grace of Our LORD that we are given this second chance. To see the LORD's ways disgraced at large is a disgrace!"

When alerted to the existence of an excommunicated party of heretic schismatics (i.e. The Archregimancy), Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS exploded with irate words (expletives). "The heathens wish to make a mockery of God still? After all of these years? Surely they would learn to repent!"

Father Thomas Aquinas, now back with the team, led the team in prayer ahead of their match against Greal. There is an apparent distance between the team's moderate nature opposed to the rash radicalism employed by the Pope back home. "The non-Christian community isn't as diabolical as the Pope claims," Father Thomas remarked after the prayer. "They are only lost, and fiery words only seek to distance themselves from us. But charity and humility will show the unbelievers that God's grace is sufficient for all. Go in peace, and share your wealth with the world." Father Thomas Aquinas was not available for more remarks, so we'll have to wait for the post-match response.

Foreign correspondents are also reportedly despondent that we don't use enough pictures... we'll try to fix that next time.

Our team for our next game has just been released

Patrick Clemence
David Aimer Gary Lewis Stephen Diddon Woodrow Derby
Aaron Whitemore David Clemance Kevin Wallace
Ray Horse
Richard Higgins Steve Redrow

So Patrick Clemence returns in goal for the disappointing Nicol. Kevin Wallace comes in at left wing replacing Larry Derby, allowing the team to switch to a 4-3-1-2 formation

"Dad, you're not going to believe this!"

"You sound excited, James - what's happened?"

"We beat Sineki 5-1!"

"That's great news! Who scored? How did they play?"

"Martin Forster got a hat-trick, Jerome Bennett another. Ben scored one as well."

Damon smiled. Not a single Banks player in the list. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that Jerome Bennett plays for Taylor's Cross, all the goals would have come from Moorcroft City players. Now if that had happened, it would have shut a few people up.

"Martin's doing really well - is that six he's scored now?"

"I think so, Dad. But they all played brilliantly." He omitted to mention that Sineki were possibly the worst team West Zirconia had played up to now.

"Good to see Ben's got over what happened a few days back."

"I know - it was awful what he had to go through." There was a hint of emotion in James' voice. "He's doing really well now, he is."

"Perhaps I should ask someone a little less biased about that?"

James laughed. "I suppose. Anyway, got to go - we're going to watch another match later. Land de Wood against Kanji Starter - people have said this'll be the match of the tournament so far, so we're looking forward to it."

"Well, I hope you enjoy it. Take care."

"Thanks, Dad. Bye."

Damon put the phone down slowly and looked out of the window, a satisfied look on his face. This would stop all the sniping at City that the country's press have so enjoyed. For sure, it would shut the Moorcroft Evening News up once and for all. He picked up the phone and called the City manager, Pat French.

"Pat? Damon Clarke here. Have you heard the result?"

"I have - that's great news!" Although a Dancougaran, Pat French had become as much a part of the footballing scene of his adopted country as anyone else.

"It gets better - Martin got a hat-trick and Ben scored another."

"That's great - they've done really well this tournament. Except - well, you know."

Damon winced. He didn't really want reminding of that incident.

"Hey, who knows, Damon - you might even get the Evening News congratulating you!"

"I think we'd have to win the World Cup first."

Both men laughed. They both knew how ruthless the local press could be. But for now at least, they could relax.

[OOC: Tables will be edited into this post in a short while.]

Matchday Six Results

Group A
Kanji Starter 1-1 An Blascaod Mor
Magna Sanca Sedes 2-2 Greal

Group B
Glaycia 2-1 Liventia
Spazican States 3-3 Icy Cold Death Touch

Group C
New Zomboria 3-1 Sineki
Tomarian 0-2 West Zirconia

Group D
Lingdinis Insania 3-1 Kannone
Cauci 2-5 Cypron

Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS spontaneously died today, just as he prepared to make some remarks about the recent 2-2 draw between the MHRFT and Greal. And so, rather than describe the painstaking finesse of the team, we'd rather describe how we're going to get a new pope. Basically, we've got 3 contenders for the papacy, and the College of Cardinals is going to spend three days inside a covered room debating over who should become the next pope. They'll discuss such things as sanctity, views on morality, closeness with God, how many "crazy" moments they've had, age, sex, gender, race, and mainstream appeal. So far, they've narrowed the search to the three Preferati: Cardinal Iosephus Bissarionus, Cardinal Adolfus Brunodunus, and Cardinal Guillelmus de Occam. All three cardinals are very well qualified, but only 1 can become pope. Let's take a look at their respective positions.


Q: Becoming the Supreme Pontiff is a really big deal. What do you intend to do upon assuming the pontificate?

Iosephus: I'll stand by timidly and watch the world turn over itself, and when the time is right, I'll make Catholicism the answer to all of the world's problems. And if they don't agree with me, they'll disappear.

Adolfus: I'll blame all of our problems on the Jews, so that means an Inquisition in Jeruselem. The harlots have had it coming for a long time, and the fact that the Catholic community accepts and mixes with the Jews is definitely a real problem. After all, who killed our LORD and Savior? That's right.

Guillelmus : I think the Catholic Church needs to be a little more responsive to modern trends. We should moderate our stance and be more liberal with literal scripture. People are unhappy because the lines are too strict; Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS definitely demonstrated a tendency to go to extremes, and admonishing non-Catholic populations is definitely not the way to go.


Q: What makes you really qualified to be the new Supreme Pontiff?

Iosephus: I received all of my education from a seminary, and I've lived all of my life trying to advocate strong ideas to dumb-headed people. Why shouldn't I be the logical choice for the Pontificate? After all, the Church needs a strong leader to get to these dumb-headed people nowadays. I'll tell, a few years wandering around a bunch of ice will set anyone straight. And if it doesn't, they'll live there for the rest of their lives. Anyway, if we have a giant frozen tundra to deport these heretics at least.

Adolfus: I've been persecuted for my beliefs, and despite my first-hand knowledge about the world's crises, people tend to ignore my message until it's too late. I know what's right for the Church, and with my hand at the Pontificate, I'll head the Catholic Church in the right direction and no questions asked about the "right decision".

Guillelmus : I've been in a church before, and I've led mass. I've written critical canonical literature, and if anyone asks me about the "right" thing to do, I pray. God guides my judgment, not some ideological quest to purify the world of unbelieving non-Catholics. We should extend our hands to our Christian brothers and sisters, showing solidarity in the one true Christ and LORD. Division only gives fodder to the enemies of Christendom.


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Iosephus: To hear the Word of God.

Adolfus: To get away from the Jewbees.

Guillelmus : I think the real question is not why the chicken crossed the road, but rather what the chicken did once he got there.


More news to come over the next three days!

And pictures~!

http://www.traditioninaction.org/RevolutionPhotos/Images/034_ComicPope1.jpg

What happened to Linus V?

That was the question that many Cafundelenses asked when the country of Magna Sancta Sedes announced that a new Pope would be chosen among the cardinals.

The question appeared because, during World Cup 40, the whole country of Casari decided to convert to Orthodoxy, so they would be able to play a friendly against The Archregimancy. Their archbishop claimed that "he had never seen the Pope and didn't know where Rome was". Just one day after, a man claiming to be the Pope, called Linus V, replied to the Casari people, criticizing their conversion and lamenting the fact at the same time. Later, he praised the Jeruselemites that were still faithful to the church.

So, now the question appears: who exactly was Linus V? Was he really the Pope? If so, what happened with him, as Magna Sancta Sedes announces that a new Pope will be chosen, without even commenting about Linus V? Does Rome really exist, as Linus V claimed? Does Linus V really said the truth, or he was just an impostor?

"If he was the Pope and died, we want to see his body. After all, he said that he was born in Cafundéu" - said someone.

"Now I doubt if those things that happened back in World Cup forty were true" - said another person.

(OOC: Magna Sancta Sedes, sorry for the interruption if this interferes directly with your storyline, you can even ignore it if you want. Just wanted to connect your RPs with a thing that I did back in WC40)

What happened to Linus V? Part 2

An inquiry by Cafundelense media reveals yet another history lesson!

So it seems that the Papacy was lying dormant for the majority of the reigns prior to Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS; in fact, if one asked a passerby the location of the Holy See (i.e. Sancta Sedes), they would point at the bald spot on the back of someone's head, saying "Holy, see?" But nowadays, with the raucous behavior of the prior Pope, more people are still left lingering with a sense of confusion as to the location of the Holy See. But for some, Pope LINVS V was one odd break, as he took some time to protest the mass conversion of the entire church in Casari to Orthodoxy. "It's a decision we still protest to this date," remarked one anonymous person, "and given enough time, Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS would have sent the Inquisitor Generals to clean up the place. Of course, then we heard that they got invaded and decided it was God's judgment upon their heresy."

So now, who was Pope LINVS V? And was he a real Pope? Pope LINVS V was baptised Cardinal Iosephus Alba-Cafundus, ordained Bishop of Rome just two days before the Casaran treachery. He died two days later, succeeded by Pope LINVS VI. So for 4 days, Pope LINVS V was a real Pope. His sudden and spontaneous death left MSS in a state of black for over a year (because by the time we got to Pope LINVS CXI, we just got tired of electing really old guys). But nonetheless, the MSS Archives have the proof, and unfortunately, as the MSS Archives have already interred Pope LINVS's V bones, there is no body to see (unless the Cafundelense really wish to disturb his body's rest after death and remove about a ton of stone overlying his sacrophagus). Nonetheless, hearing the news of the faithful in Cafundeu, there is a plan to return some of Pope LINVS's V relics to Cafundeu, in lieu of the recent events that have troubled many people around the world.

What happened to Linus V? - Cafundelense reaction

After the fast answer from the country of Magna Sancta Sedes, the doubt seemed to disappear. According to the records of the church, Linus V did really exist, and everything that he said about Casari during their conversion was representing the whole Church. Linus V was the Pope in these difficult moments for the Church, but he was already extremely sick, victim of a badly-cured stomachache that transformed into a kidney failure and after a lung malfunction - yes, he was an unlucky person, and no one could explain exactly his health problems. Anyway, the truth now came: Linus V did exist.

News from Magna Sancta Sedes inform that the former Pope was already buried, and said that relics of this faithful and respectable person can go to Cafundéu soon.

"Well... I don't need to see the body... let him rest in peace, there's no need of removing him from where he is now. After all, I don't want to be the responsible for such a thing" - said the same person that wanted to see the body before.

"Well, that's it. Everything was true..." - said someone that didn't seem much interested in the issue.

"Four days as a Pope? I can't say if he was lucky or unlucky" - said a woman.

"This news make me even more faithful to the church! God sent them to our Catholic country!" - said a religious person.

"Maybe the fact that Casari became a puppet of Bostopia soon after was the real punishment!" - said a comedian.

A good part of Cafundéu's population is Catholic, and the religion is the most practised in the country (Spiritism and Protestantism come soon after), although Cafundéu doesn't have an official religion, respecting all the religious practices (such as the Umbanda).

MATCHDAY 7
Group A

Kanji Starter 0-1 Magna Sancta Sedes
Land de Wood 1-0 An Blascaod Mor

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Land de Wood 3 3 0 0 6 3 3 9
2 An Blascaod Mor 4 1 2 1 5 4 1 5
3 Magna Sancta Sedes 3 1 2 0 4 3 1 5
4 Kanji Starter 3 0 1 2 3 5 -2 1
5 Greal 3 0 1 2 4 7 -3 1


Group B

Glaycia 2-0 Spazican States
We Hate Football 2-1 Liventia

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 We Hate Football 3 3 0 0 7 3 4 9
2 Liventia 4 2 0 2 7 5 2 6
3 Glaycia 3 2 0 1 5 3 2 6
4 Icy Cold Death Touch 3 0 1 2 5 9 -4 1
5 Spazican States 3 0 1 2 4 8 -4 1


Group C

New Zomboria 2-1 Tomarian
Ron Paulovia 2-1 Sineki

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 West Zirconia 3 3 0 0 9 1 8 9
2 New Zomboria 3 3 0 0 6 2 4 9
3 Tomarian 3 1 0 2 2 4 -2 3
4 Ron Paulovia 3 1 0 2 2 4 -2 3
5 Sineki 4 0 0 4 3 11 -8 0


Group D

Lingdinis Insania 2-0 Cauci
Nuevos Aires 0-1 Kannone

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Lingdinis Insania 3 2 1 0 6 2 4 7
2 Cypron 3 2 0 1 8 5 3 6
3 Nuevos Aires 3 1 1 1 4 4 0 4
4 Kannone 4 1 1 2 3 5 -2 4
5 Cauci 3 0 1 2 2 7 -5 1

What happened to Linus V? Part 4

Today, the relics of Pope LINVS V have left Magna Sancta Sedes for a virgin voyage to Cafundeu. It is the hope of the Catholic Church that returning his relics to his homeland can inspire the parishioners to continue in the faith. Pope LINVS V only reigned for 4 days, but apparently, 4 days would be enough to inspire any group of local Catholics.

The relics will arrive in Cafundeu by boat for a viewing for about 6 weeks. As to when the boat will arrive, that depends on whether or not the boat can find the country.

"Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"Good first, let me down later."

"Well, we beat Liventia!"

"Great! And the bad news?"

"With only the rubbish Spazican States to play, it looks like we're going to finish top of the group."

"And that's bad because...?"

"Well, look at the draw. If we'd have finished fourth, we'd be playing the bottom team in Group C, which would be easy. If we win the group, we get the Group C winners, West Zirconia. Which isn't easy."

"That's hardly fair, is it?"

"Good to see you get my point for once."

"I'll get onto the hosts."

We continue our coverage of the MSS Elections for the next Pope. We break only for this short introductory break, announcing the first win for the MHRFT in the Second Round, against the Slavic-speaking Japanese characters teaching math from Kanji Starters. It was a solitary goal that sets the MHRFT in an almost epic clash against the only team left in the BoF to be undefeated, who beat the not-so-naked Catholic Celts from An Blascaod Mór by a 3-2 margin. The MHRFT must at least score one goal and win or draw against Land de Wood in order to trump the Celts, whereas even a win cannot settle Land de Wood below the pole mark - which in some essence bodes the team well. "If we face against a weaker team, it can prepare us more adeptly and spiritually for the greatest contest later in the tournament," Father Thomas Aquinas remarked. "The LORD has seen fit for our contest to hit many snags, but lest we blinded by our quest to actually win this tournament, we must keep true to the LORD, against all odds."

And now to our elections coverage.


The Preferati have been summoned before the Conclave, where the Cardinals have assembled to ask them probing questions about their holiness, their faith, and their tendency to reveal inner secrets of the Holy Catholic Church.

Q: Do you believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth?

Iosephus: I do.

Adolfus: I do.

Guillelmus: I do.


Q: Do you believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord; that he was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary; that he suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried; that he descended into Hades and on the third day rose again; that he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father, and that he will come again to judge the living and the dead?

Iosephus: I do.

Adolfus: I do.

Guillelmus: I do.


Q: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit,the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting?

Iosephus: I do.

Adolfus: I do.

Guillelmus: I do.

ALL: Amen.


Well, that was a tense session, but it seems that all 3 Preferati are still in the race for the Papacy! Stay tuned for more details!

Group A

Kanji Starter 0-0 Greal
Magna Sancta Sedes 0-1 Land de Wood

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Land de Wood 4 4 0 0 7 3 4 12
2 An Blascaod Mor 4 1 2 1 5 4 1 5
3 Magna Sancta Sedes 4 1 2 1 4 4 0 5
4 Kanji Starter 4 0 2 2 3 5 -2 2
5 Greal 4 0 2 2 4 7 -3 2


Group B

Glaycia 1-0 Icy Cold Death Touch
Spazican States 0-1 We Hate Football

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 We Hate Football 4 4 0 0 8 3 5 12
2 Glaycia 4 3 0 1 6 3 3 9
3 Liventia 4 2 0 2 7 5 2 6
4 Icy Cold Death Touch 4 0 1 3 5 10 -5 1
5 Spazican States 4 0 1 3 4 9 -5 1


Group C

New Zomboria 0-5 West Zirconia
Tomarian 0-1 Ron Paulovia

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 West Zirconia 4 4 0 0 14 1 13 12
2 New Zomboria 4 3 0 1 6 7 -1 9
3 Ron Paulovia 4 2 0 2 3 4 -1 6
4 Tomarian 4 1 0 3 2 5 -3 3
5 Sineki 4 0 0 4 3 11 -8 0


Group D

Lingdinis Insania 0-2 Cypron
Cauci 4-1 Nuevos Aires

Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Cypron 4 3 0 1 10 5 5 9
2 Lingdinis Insania 4 2 1 1 6 4 2 7
3 Cauci 4 1 1 2 6 8 -2 4
4 Kannone 4 1 1 2 3 5 -2 4
5 Nuevos Aires 4 1 1 2 5 8 -3 4

Round of 16 fixtures will be posted after a CtE Check has been completed...

Nations Ceased(1):
Sineki

due to problems our end connecting to the outside world we can only bring you this brief report.

Land de Wood 1-0 An Blascaod
Mor
kevin wallace's cross was headed home by sub gary hoggins.
Andrew Wood is unsurprisingly understood to be delighted as his team continue their unbeaten run.

Round of 16 Fixtures:

Land de Wood vs. Lingdinis Insania*

Spazican States vs. Tomarian

An Blascaod Mor vs. Ron Paulovia

We Hate Football vs. West Zirconia

Magna Sancta Sedes vs. Liventia

Greal vs. Glaycia

Kanji Starter vs. New Zomboria

Icy Cold Death Touch vs. Cypron*

*With Sineki ceasing D1 has been raised to C5 and D2 has been raised to D1

Seen on a short sports puppet comedy filler...

Tacky puppet-like 'theme tune' plays...
"So, this totally unnecessary seeding phase was totally useless."

"You bet it was. We're thankfully over that now, and on to the round of sixteen now. We've got Magna Sancta Sedes, a team we understand is tangentially linked to us."

"Really? How exactly is this so? We've never had relations, nor any prior competition against them."

"Well, they're apparently related, somehow, to Daehanjeiguk, who cohosted the last World Cup with Ad’ihan, which used to be part of Liventia."

"Really! I didn't know that."

"Well, now you do!"

One puppet leaves stage right, the other leaves stage left. The tacky music plays again.

<the old Glaycian couple turns the TV off after Glaycia's 1-0 win over Icy Cold Death Touch>

"Well Inga that sure was one for folk with ice in their blood. a last second score and their goalie was standing there like he was frozen!"

<Ludden cackles before turning it into a coughing fit>

"Now Ludden., remember what the doctor told you about getting overly excited. You should be cool customers like those youngsters were today. I almost had to put my sweater on the action was so chilly."

"You shush Inga. Them kids will do just fine. I mean who are we playing next Gruel? What kind of place is that? Why i just had some for breakfast oday!"

"That was yesterday dear, and its Greal we're playing."

"THat's what i said- Gruel>"

"No Ludden, Greal with an 'A'. Its another country, they like moving their lineups around. Very unhealthy that sort of thing, running around, getting all sweaty then a chill sets in and the poor dears will all catch a frightful cold."

"Oh, I knew that Inga. And maybe they should get sick cause it'll be a warm day in Glaycia before they beat us i'm thinking!"

"Whatever you say dear."

Land de Wood Sports Baptism of Fire Special

Due to a delay in the time-space continuum it appears that our report on our 3rd game in the 2nd group stage actually came out after the 4th game had been played, despite the result of the 4th game not having been transmitted to us. Anyhow none of that really matters now, as what you want to know is how our final game went. Victory in it would see us face the winners of Group D as opposed to the middle team of Group C. Why it is not the team bottom of Group C we are not quite sure, but hey that's how the hosts have organised it, that's how the hosts have organised it.
So anyhow, how did our final group game go? Were we still unbeatable or had a team found a way round us?
Magna Sancta Sedes also seem to have been distracted by the death of their pope or something, but being a protestant nation, we haven't been paying too much attention to that.

So on with the game, our Woodpeckers started in great form, with the wingers flying down the wings the crosses came pouring in, but the ball kept getting cleared. So it was time to do something a bit different. David Clemance in the thirtieth minute made a sensational run, played for ball into Ray Horse, but the goalie made a good stop from the resulting shot.
One minute before half time, Ray Horse made a twenty-five yard run, played the ball into Richard Higgins who then played a neat one-two with Kevin Wallace before striking home. Half time: Magna Sancta Sedes 0-1 Land de Wood
The second half, to be honest was a boring affair, MAgna Sacta Sedes struggled to manage an attack while the Woodpeckers seemed to be having a rest out there, no doubt taking it easy ready for the round of 16.
Magna Sancta Sedes 0-1 Land de Wood
So onwards and upwards for the Woodpeckers who are really flying now, 7 games played, 7 games won.
So who next? Well that would be the winners of the repechage Group D: Cypron.
However, we are just hearing that the team the finished bottom of Group C: Sineki have been kicked out. Apparently they failed to keep up with administrative affairs and no one has heard from their government in a month so the hosts have booted them out. So Cypron have been promoted to position C5 and Lingdinis Insania who finished 2nd in group D have taken their place.
Their main striker is Kevin Shearer and he will be one to watch.

The tie Kanji Starter didn't improve things, but things could be worse. Captain Igor and his team trained all day for the next match, this opponent was Glaycia. Greal had to win today. The formation would not be switched, so they worked on their skills. Ross Trent could luckily play today, despite the last match, which he was injured.

"Oh cock."

"What?"

"Well, we won again, and have to play West Zirconia. Again."

"You didn't want to win?"

"Well, you said that finishing first gave us a tougher game than finishing fourth."

"Yes, but if we'd lost, we'd be playing Greal."

"So..."

"They'd be tough opponents, too. So we thought we'd try for the extra ranking points and risk it."

"Go for it!"

"OK!"

"By the way, at which point did we actually become a half-decent team?"

"I'm not sure. It's all a bit bizarre..."

By this time, it was quite normal for Damon Clarke to expect an update on West Zirconia's Baptism of Fire progress by a filial telephone call. This morning was no exception - except for the identity of the caller.

"Ben? Is James all right?"

"He's - how shall I say - suffering a bit. You know how we beat New Zomboria 5-0 yesterday?"

"Yes..."

"Well, we had a few drinks to celebrate - only mine didn't have alcohol in them."

"So he's..."

"A bit hungover. Well, a lot hungover, actually. I won't use the actual words he used to describe how he's feeling."

"Thanks, Ben - I can imagine." A shiver went up Damon's spine. What if he'd done - or said - something indiscreet, or just something plain stupid? Just as the team was going through such great form, the last thing they needed was any bad publicity. After all, several of the newspapers had representatives at the competition - including the Moorcroft Evening News. Those three words alone were enough to send another shiver following the previous one.

"Ben, if you don't mind me asking, he didn't do anything...er...stupid, did he?"

"Oh no, don't worry about that. We didn't go out or anything - it was just the two of us in his room. I made sure he was in bed and fast asleep before I went back to the hotel."

Ben no doubt heard the sigh of relief coming down the phone line, and decided that now was the best time to change the subject. "The rest of the competition's all sorted now. It's pure knockout from now on."

"So who do we play in the next round, then?"

"You're not going to believe this - We Hate Football again."

Damon leafed through the notes he'd made of all the statistics that had come down this line. One of only two teams to have beaten West Zirconia so far in this competiton, he noticed. He read on - "Matchday Three: West Zirconia 0 We Hate Football 1 (Phillips og 87)". He tactfully decided not to pursue that line of thought.

"How do you feel about playing them again, then?"

"Well, from what I've heard, they don't sound too impressed about it. I've even heard they were thinking of throwing their last game so they could finish second and avoid us."

"Sounds good - that should give the team plenty of confidence."

"Certainly should - I'm really keen to get out there and give them a stuffing. You know, revenge for what happened last time."

"Well, I hope you do. And I hope James is feeling well enough to watch it as well."

"Hmmm...we'll see. I'll get him to call you when he's in a fit state to talk."

"Thanks, Ben - I'd appreciate that. Just tell him he's not in trouble or anything like that."

"Will do. Anyway, I'd better get down to the ground now."

"OK. Thanks for the update - and good luck."

"Cheers. Bye."

Damon put the phone down and stared at the coffee in front of him. He thought, almost out loud:"

"I'm sure We Hate Football don't have all this palaver going on behind the scenes. Or perhaps they do..."

http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/6691/antoileanachwb2.png (http://imageshack.us)

ABM unbeaten on matchday eight

Although due to having already played all groupstage two games not on the pitch of course. Nope, with the day of the squad decided today was as good a day as any to sample the beer of Yafalonia and Bazor 2. A total of 18 pubs were visited over the course of the day with estimations of 1093 pints of beer being consumed and 894 visits to the toilets taking place. Whilst some such as Tomás O'Sullivan found themselves impressed saying, "It's top quality stuff, a lot of taste, just like what we go over the water in Sorthern Northland", others such as brother Muris were not so keen, "Well it's ok, I mean it's drinkable but it's nothing special, a bit disappointing really," were his thoughts. Travelling with a group of Sorthern fans here supporting the island, a game of pub golf was called upon. Each team had five members in it with all five expected to play each "hole", the team with the best combined score on the hole won the hole, and despite an 18 "hole" course being chosen the match was already won by ABM at the tenth hole. However in the spirit of things it was decided to complete the remaining 8 holes and ABM took them all to claim a perfect victory. Key to the win perhaps was that ABM has in their ranks Kenny Krouger, son of the owner of Krouger's Bar across the water in Dun Chaoin, Patty O'Shea the illegitimate son of the Longest Ever Pub Crawl World Record holder John O'Neil and Tomás O'Neil the not illegitimate son of John O'Neil. Those three somewhat made up for the poor scores occasionally posted by the O'Sullivan brothers who can't handle drinking quickly very well. All in all the day was deemed a success on the road to Baptism of FAIL glory.

Round of 16

Land de Wood 2-0 Lingdinis Insania
Spazican States 0-1 Tomarian
An Blascaod Mor 3-0 Ron Paulovia
We Hate Football 1-2 West Zirconia
Magna Sancta Sedes 2-2 Liventia (3-2 AET)
Greal 2-1 Glaycia
Kanji Starter 4-0 New Zomboria
Icy Cold Death Touch 1-2 Cypron

Quarterfinals:
Land de Wood vs. Tomarian
An Blascaod Mor vs. West Zirconia
Magna Sancta Sedes vs. Greal
Kanji Starter vs. Cypron

Land de Wood Sports Baptism of Fire Special

So it was time to face the runners up of the repechage group: Lingidinis Insania.

The game started well with Kevin Wallace and Aaron Whitemore causing the full backs all sorts of trouble, but it was through the centre that the first goal would come. David Clemance sent Ray Horse free in the middle, he played a one-two with Richard Higgins, and shot the ball into the top left corner of the goal, 1-0 after 20 minutes.
Lingdinis Inasania tried to make a game of it, but their only shot on goal was well saved by Patrick Clemence.
Half time and the Woodpeckers were a goal to the good.
Three minutes into the second half, Kevin Wallace's cross was overhit, but Aaron Whitemore sent it back into the area and Steve Redrow volleyed home. 2-0
WIth the game won and more games to follow, Andrew Wood took the opportunity to brig of Richard Higgins, Ray Horse and David Clemance and bring on Boyd, Tom Darkless and Larry Derby. Tom Darkless who has been linked with a big money move, made some good runs from midfield but no more goals were to materialise.

Land de Wood 2-0 Lingdinis Insania
Goal scorers: Richard Higgins and Steve Redrow
Man of the match: Aaron Whitemore looked sharp down the right wing and put in some good crosses.

So Land de Wood go through to play Tomarian who having finished 4th in Group C caused a minor upset by beating Spazican States who were in Group B (albeit they finished 5th in it). This was only the Tomarian's 3rd win of the tournament (previously they had beaten Lingdinis Insania and Sineki) and they shouldn't cause as any real bother.

It was a shame to see We Hate Football go out at this stage, everyone's favourite underdog have been a joy to watch, but West Zirconia have been having a good tournament and we are pleased to see seem to have sorted out the previous unrest in their camp.

West Zirconia booked their place in the quarter-finals of the Baptism of Fire in dramatic style with a 2-1 victory over We Hate Football.

In compiling this report, we wish to respect the wishes of the We Hate Football team for complete anonymity.
Therefore the team that faced West Zirconia shall be named as follows:

GK William Shakespeare
DL Peter Sellers
DC Sean O'Casey
DC Benjamin Disraeli
DR Matt Monro
ML Wile E. Coyote
MC Kenneth Williams
MC Benjamin Franklin
MR Ferdinand Porsche
FW Johann Sebastian Bach
FW Isaac Newton (c)

Substitues: John Stuart Mill, Orson Welles, Herbert von Karajan, Philip Larkin, Jackson Pollock.


Meanwhile, the West Zirconian team, who were allowed to be identified by their real names, were as follows:

GK Steve Gray
DL Ben Phillips (c)
DC Lewis Fox
DC Michael Faulkner
DR Paul Paterson
ML Ian Hawthorne
MC Patrick Williams
MC Ed French
MR Anthony McGowan
FW Martin Forster
FW Steve Griffiths


Both teams knew that the messing about with groups and second chances was long past, and that there was only one shot at this. As a result, both teams started very cautiously, with only one shot - from Isaac Newton - in the first fifteen minutes. Soon afterwards both teams had further chances, Steve Griffiths forcing an excellent save from William Shakespeare, and Kenneth Williams firing a 20-yard shot just wide of the post.

We Hate Football broke the deadlock after 28 minutes. Mike Faulkner brought down Ferdinand Porsche in the penalty area, and was lucky not to receive a red card for his efforts. J.S. Bach hammered the ball against the post, but Matt Monro pounced on the rebound to put We Hate Football in the lead.

The goal was the catalyst the game needed, and the pace of the game increased. Anthony McGowan and Wile E. Coyote in particular had some splendid battles on the wing. Newton had three chances to double their advantage, but Steve Gray was equal to them all. Bach sent a further shot over the post, while at the other end, the midfield pair of Patrick Williams and Ed French were beginning to make their presence felt.

However, despite these chances, the score remained 1-0 at half-time. However, it was felt that this was not going to be the final score.

And so it proved. Two minutes into the half, and with the feeling that We Hate Football were still intoxicated from their half-time oranges, Ed French out-sprinted Porsche and Monro before tapping the ball to Martin Forster, who slotted the ball past an (until now) impressive Shakespeare.

The next half-hour or so settled down into an unimpressive display, with neither team willing to take risks for fear of their being exploited by the other team. On 77 minutes We Hate Football made two changes, with Disraeli and Kenneth Williams being replaced by von Karajan and, much to the West Zirconian songsters' delight, Pollock. Almost immediately they gave the game some urgency, forcing Roy Hazell to make two changes of his own. Jerome Bennett came on for Steve Griffiths, while Ryan Gregory replaced Lewis Fox.

In the previous match between these two teams, Ben Phillips scored the decisive goal, albeit in his own net. This match saw him try to make amends for that error throughout the game, and his efforts were finally rewarded just three minutes from time. A badly sliced clearance by Peter Sellers went behind for a corner, which McGowan took. Shakespeare punched it out of the penalty area, only for it to fall at Phillips' feet. Despite eager cries from at least three team-mates for him to pass, he decided to take a shot himself. Shakespeare got a hand to it, but couldn't keep it out of the net. Once again, Ben Phillips had scored the decisive goal, albeit this time at the correct end.

So the adventure continues for West Zirconia, as they prepare to meet An Blascoad Mór in the quarter-finals. As for We Hate Football, their small band of footballers can be proud of their achievements in the face of national apathy and even hostility. We promise once more not to reveal the true identity of those involved.


We Hate Football 1-2 West Zirconia
Monro 28___________Forster 47
___________________Phillips 87



As for the rest of the quarter-final lineup, Land de Wood and Kanji Starter must be considered the favourites, considering their quarter-final draw. West Zirconia and An Blascoad Mór contest what must be the tie of the round, and whoever wins that must also fancy their chances in the rest of the competition.

Greal Baptism of Fire Special Report

Michael Istoma and Francis Volodislav each scored a goal in the 2-1 match against Glaycia. Glaycia had a fine start, scoring in the first few minutes, but then Michael Istoma managed to score barely a minute later. For the rest of the game, both sides tried to break the tie, until Francis Volodislav scored Greal's second goal of the game. Greal now had a place in the quarter finals.

Their next opponent was Magna Sancta Sedes. Greal's last match was a tie, this time, the team wanted to break the tie and win the match. It would be a equally tough game for them.

Qin Lang was injured in the match against Glaycia, and will be replaced by Eko Tasser, a tough player who lead the Black Cats to victory last year in a amazing football match.

The team began training their new formation.

New Team formation

3-4-4

The Conclave finally closed the doors, after which the Cardinals have been locked with a mysterious key that opens only one door. Indeed, for the next few days/weeks/months/years/decades/centuries/dozen of bagels, the Cardinals of the Conclave will be locked, deliberating on who shall be the best candidate for the Papacy. And with the candidates themselves locked inside with the Cardinals, it can only be expected that the next few days will be dark and somber as we can only await the puffs of white smoke. Thankfully, all of the Preferati are Cardinals; otherwise, the Catholic Church would have to endure the hardship of ordaining a layman, as was the last Pope SVPERCALIFRAGILISTIKEXPAELIDOCIVS (who was first ordained a deacon, then a priest, and then finally a bishop before he was finally confirmed as Pope - the first time in over 500 years). But the anxiety as we await the smoke from the Sistine Chapel is unbearable, so we'll turn our remaining attention to the FAILures of the BoF.

1. The Most Holy Representative Football Team of Magna Sancta Sedes FAILed to beat Land de Wood, by a solitary goal in the first half. Father Thomas Aquinas remarked saying that "FAILure here is not necessarily the worst crime, for the LORD has given us a clearer path to salvation. After all, the path to salvation is not always glittered in glory."

2. Glaycia FAILed to account for the sudden rise in global temperatures when predicted the weather today, as it suddenly turned into a hot summer day. This followed other predictions that it would be "a warm day in Glaycia" before Greal would beat them. Lo! the majesty of the LORD's will.

3. Land de Wood FAILed to account properly for the communication glitch that left them out in the cold with their international broadcasts, having posted their information on their international media accounts a day after the events occurred, confusing some subscribers. The LORD may forgive such deception once, for it was unintended.

4. The Catholic Celts of An Blascaod Mór FAILed to satiate their lust for booze by performing one of the largest pub crawls in FAIL history, invading 18 pubs, consuming 1093 drinks, and desecrating 894 toilets. Furthermore, FAIL FAILed to satiate the lust of the Catholic Celts of An Blascaod Mór for booze, by providing lackluster drinks, most likely spiked with a foreign substance (i.e. water). We wag our finger at such gluttony.

5. Land de Wood also FAILed to lose for their 7th consecutive game. They also FAILed to not win for their 7th consecutive game.

6. Liventia FAILed to convert 5 penalties during the match against the MHRFT. Father Thomas Aquinas tried a new tactic, by putting Father Petrus Chrysologus out on defense and putting Father Bonaventura in the box. Unfortunately, Father Petrus Chrysologus forgot several times that he was not in the box and kept handling the ball. It was in this manner that Liventia took 2 easy goals, but FAILed to make it 7 at the end of the first half. Taking wisdom brought by the first half, Father Thomas Aquinas decided to put Father Athanasius Alexandrinus out for Father Petrus Chrysologus, who defended superbly, and most importantly did not handle the ball (except for the incidents when the ball went beyond the boundary of changing possessions - apparently, it's permissible at that time, which confused Father Petrus Chrysologus). The team changed composure and drew back two goals, FAILing to make the winning goal in regulation time. In extra time, Mother Theresia Iesu showed her skill by dribbling the ball into the net whilst drawing flower from her cloak. The defenders were apparently awe-struck by her flowery passion, and were left busily plucking the grass at their feet, to the irate rage of their coach. Seeing this, Father Thomas Aquinas went over and blessed Mister Toulmin with Holy Water, after which, he was summarily handled by security guards and given his second red card of the tournament. This means that Father Thomas Aquinas will again be absent from their next match, this one against Greal.

It is also to our knowledge that Father Thomas Aquinas has broken the record for most red cards accrued by a coach in the Baptism of Fire; but as we cannot attest that this is truth, we will neither assert that what we have just said is either true or not, for asserting one or the other will be a lie, and hence deceptive. What we can say is that it is absolutely true that we have based comments on facts available to us, but that all of the facts are not available to us, so we cannot with absolute certainty determine that it is absolute truth.

With that, we FAILed to post a picture in this message, so God may forgive us of our trepasses.

Before today's game, we caught up with manager Andrew Wood:

Larry: Good morning, Andrew
Andrew: Good morning Larry
Larry: So how do you feel the competition gone?
Andrew: It has gone well, 8 games played, 8 games won.
Larry: Indeed, do you feel we can keep this winning streak up against Tomarian
Andrew: Well they have yet to impress in this tournament, but against us we expect them to raise their game, there are of course no easy games in international football.
Larry: Well we've heard that old cliche before but surely we should win this game by a mile?
Andrew: Indeed we should but let's never underestimate them, we still need to play a good game and not let anything slip.
Larry: So Patrick Clemence seems to have won his place back in goal from Gary Nicol.
Andrew: Indeed I wanted to give Gary an opportunity to prove himself, but sadly he made a few too many mistakes, whereas Patrick Clemence has been solid in goal.
Larry: We've seen a mixture of 3 and 4 man defenses from you recently, are you happy with the the 4 man defense you've used the last few games?
Andrew: I am indeed, they seem to have grown well as a unit and I have every confidence in them.
Larry: In midfield we've switched from having a holding man behind the midfield, to having a man in between the midfield and attack, while obviously this helps us in attack, has it left us with a gap behind the midfield?
Andrew: While yes it would be nice to have a man behind the midfield, I feel we've benefited from Ray Horse playing behind two strikers i attack and David Clemence has done a good job getting back to help with the defense.
Larry: Down the wings Aaron Whitemore and Kevin Wallace seem to have cemented their places especially now Steve Redrow has switched to attack.
Andrew: Well unfortunately Aaron Whitemore picked up a knock in training this morning, so Tom Darkless will get his opportunity down the right.
Larry: Is it true Tom Darkless has just signed a multi-million Wood contract with a team from Candelaria And Marquez.
Andrew: Yes a team by the name of KT Hotspur have just signed him, though I cannot comment on his contract's details.
Larry: Be interesting to see if that spurs him on to better things?
Andrew: Indeed, he has been a bit in Aaron Whitemore's shadow on the international front but he has the opportunity now possibly to win a place in the starting line up.
Larry: So what about Steve Redrow's switch to attack.
Andrew: Well it was an experiment we were lacking goals up front and I thought why not switch him to attack, he has a sweet left foot and a lot of pace and he has proved deadly in attack and means I can play both him and Kevin Wallace in the same team.
Larry: Yes, Boyd has failed to reproduce his goal scoring form on the international scene.
Andrew: Indeed, he has been disappointing he just can't seem to raise his game on the international scene, I'm pleased to say Richard Higgins has done well and him and Redrow are now my first choice strikers.
Larry: Well good luck with today's game and I trust Whitemore recovers soon from his injury.
Andrew: Thanks,

So one change for today's game, Aaron Whitemore missing on the right wing but it gives Tom Darkless, the first Land de Wood footballer to sign for a foreign team, the opportunity to shine.

So here's the team playing a 4-3-1-2 formation

Patrick Clemence
David Aimer Gary Lewis Stephen Diddon Woodrow Derby
Tom Darkless David Clemance Kevin Wallace
Ray Horse
Richard Higgins Steve Redrow

"I see you've recovered from your....excesses, then?"

"I have, Dad. Sorry if I got you worried."

"That's all right, James. You're lucky Ben looks after you the way he does."

"Don't know about that - you should have seen the stuff he was pouring down me."

"While keeping himself sober so he could play properly the following day, of course."

"Got it in one, Dad."

Damon smiled. He knew them both too well. "So how was the We Hate Football game, then?"

He knew exactly what James would say, but gave him the opportunity to say it anyway, as any father would.

"It was nerve-racking - I really thought we were out of it. Even when we equalised in the second half I wasn't sure we'd be able to get another."

"I bet you were pretty happy when Ben's goal went in."

"Over the moon - well, he deserved it after he got that own goal in the other game."

"So, it's An Blascoad Mór next." Damon felt pleased that he had finally mastered the pronunciation. "How do you think we'll do against them?"

"Well, they're doing well at the moment, and their fans are possibly the loudest I've heard." James omitted to mention that this was in a pub just before they played Greal.

"It won't be an easy game, but I reckon we can do it."

"Glad to hear it. Well, good luck, and I hope to hear some good news off you soon."

"Thanks, Dad. Bye."

Damon looked around his office with a little envy that it was his son jetting around, watching an endless stream of football matches, while he had to stay behind and rely on (admittedly biased) reports. Still, he thought, at least James was having a good time.

Hopefully there would be better times to come...

Quarter Final Results

Land de Wood 2-0 Tomarian
An Blascaod Mor 0-1 West Zirconia
Magna Sancta Sedes 1-0 Greal
Kanji Starter 1-0 Cypron

Semi-finals Matchups

Land de Wood vs. West Zirconia
Magna Sancta Sedes vs. Kanji Starter

So the Woodpeckers faced a quarter-final against Tomarian. A game they were expected to win, but would the late injury to Aaron Whitemore, muck up their plans or would Tom Darkless take on his role with ease?

Three minutes in to the game and Tom Darkless was sent free down the wing by David Clemence, but their left back (whose name we don't seem to have) successfully tackled him.
Ten minutes later Ray Horse made a good run through the middle, but his shot was saved by their goalie. Tom Darkless stepped up and whipped in a beauty of a corner, which was headed home by Stephen Diddon, 1-0.
Twenty minutes gone and Tomarian finally managed an attack but a sloppy pass was easily cleared by Gary Lewis.
Thirty-one minutes on the clock and Kevin Wallace goes on one of his mazy runs down the left wing, crosses it in but Richard Higgins' volley is well saved.
The half time whistle blows with the score still at 1-0.
Five minutes into the second half and Ray Horse is brought down thirty yards out, and carried off on a stretcher! That's a big blow for the Woodpeckers, Larry Derby is coming on and it looks like they are going to switch to a 4-1-3-2 formation, which will no doubt give David Clemence more license to get forward with Derby holding the midfield.
Woodrow Derby strikes the free kick but it just goes wide.
Twenty-one minutes on the clock, Larry Derby feed David Clemence who makes one of his trade mark runs at goal, before passing it to Richard Higgins who strikes home. 2-0, the Woodpeckers have the match sown up.
Try as they might Tomarian fail to find a way through the Woodpeckers defense and the game ends 2-0.
Man of the match: David Clemence making some good runs from midfield.

Report on Tom Darkless: Tom was brought into this game after an injury to Aaron Whitemore and having just become the first Land de Wood player to sign for a foreign club. Tom had a good game overall and it was from his corner that the Woodpeckers got their first goal.

Injury report:
Ray Horse has a strained calf muscle and is unlikely to play any further part in the tournament.
Aaron Whitemore's injury is clearing up and he could make the semi-final.

Our semi-final opponents will be West Zirconia. West Zirconia started this tournament with some squad problems, but having sorted these out are now playing some good football. They did well to beat An Blascaod Mor and are liable to be more difficult then when we beat them 2-0 in the first group stage. They are the only team not to win their first round group to make it through to the semi's, having finished third in our group! Overall Andrew Wood will be pleased not to face either Magna Sancta Sedes or Kanji Starter, but as his team have already beaten all three fellow semi-finalists they have to believe they can win the tournament now.

With the Conclave still suck inside the Sistine Chapel, and about 6 puffs of black smoke in the past 24 hours, we're going to continue with our coverage of the BoF. Despite Father Thomas Aquinas's absence from the field, the MHRFT of MSS managed a 1-0 win over Greal. A slender shot by Father Ioannes a Cruce was the only shot of the game, as Greal tried to play football for the remaining 60 minutes. Unfortunately, there were problems that plagued the field after the half, with fans pulling out a fire hose and dousing the MHRFT with what they called "unholy water". Luckily, the team physician has ample bottles of holy water to restore the blessings of the team, but not before the entire pitch was soaked in the unholy dredge. With half of the players unwilling to play on an "unholy" surface, the FAIL coordinators spent 2 hours restoring the holiness of the water, using tap water blessed by the resident team priest. Because of this, the players were left playing on a slippery surface for the remainder of the match, while FAIL coordinators were left rounding up the crowd, preventing another watering of the MHRFT. After the win, Father Thomas Aquinas gave a sermon to the team. "We are in the midst of persecutors, and it is easy to forget that the people of this land slander the word of God. But remember also that not everyone is so mired by their hatred of Catholics, and they too can be saved. So play this next game for the people who can saved from FAIL." The MHRFT plays Kanji Starters again in their next match - a team that once fell to the MHRFT, but must fall again for the MHRFT to progress to the final, where a confrontation with Land de Wood once again is likely - either that or the surprisingly upstart West Zirconia.

What happened to Linus V? Part 5

Finally, the ship bearing the sacraments and relics of the late Pope LINVS V has arrived in Cafundelense waters, and tugboats from the faithful lands have come to help steer the boat to harbor. There is a planned survey of the country, with priests helping to carry the relics to throughout Cafundéu before being interned at a presently unnamed monastery in Cafundéu for all posterity. The tour includes Pope LINVS's V hometown, a little village outside the city of São Jorge; Cafundó do Juta at St. George's Square, the scene of a recent terror attack; Dunboor; and many other provincial cities.

Head of the Expedition is Cardinal César Ferreira, a Cafundéu native himself. He opted to miss the Conclave elections to accompany the sacraments to Cafundéu and guide the expedition to its final resting place. When asked about the Conclave's elections, he expressed support for Cardinal Guillelmus de Occam. "Father Iosephus is too extreme in his Catholic ideological supremacy, and Father Adolphus is too anti-Semitic. The Catholic Church needs to bridge the widening gap between mainstream and religious conformity."

Plans to meet with the monarchy of Cafundéu are in progress, although no official word has been leaked to any media sources. The state in Cafundéu has been a bit troubled since the recent terror attacks and the assassination scandal involving the former Prime Minister. Nonetheless, Cardinal César Ferreira cites the "steadfast faith of the Cafundelense people" as the source of the country's strength, and that this trip will help heal the wounds of recent history.

We are happy to report we have an interview with Andrew Wood as he prepares for tomorrow's semi final.

Larry: Good evening Andrew,
Andrew: Good evening Larry,
Larry: So another game, another win, it's getting a bit boring now isn't it?
Andrew: No, not at all, each game requires a slightly different approach.
Larry: Well ok, so West Zirconia, another roll over win for us, we beat them in the first round group stage and surely will beat them again, so who do you want in the final?
Andrew: Let's not run before we can walk, West Zirconia have come on in leaps and bounds throughout this tournament and it will not be an easy game. They were unbeaten in their second group stage and got here by avenging an earlier defeat to We Hate Football and then beating An Blascaod Mor. So while yes I am confident we can win, let's not take anything for granted.
Larry: Ok, so any news on Ray Horse's injury?
Andrew: Well it is as bad as we feared he won't even make the final, but I am happy to say Aaron Whitemore is fit again.
Larry: That is good news, so how will he slot back into the team?
Andrew: Well Tom Darkless played well, and seems a shame to drop him just because Whitemore is fit again, but with Horse's injury I'm going to move Darkless inside to his position.
Larry: An interesting decision, Larry Derby also played well, any chance of him getting a start?
Andrew: Against West Zirconia, no, I want us to keep on attacking, but if we make the final, we may need his calming influence in midfield.
Larry: So any other changes?
Andrew: No, it's going to be another good game and one I trust we will win.
Larry: Sounds good, thank you Andrew.

So there we have it a confident Andrew Wood not counting his chickens until they've hatched.


Here's the team playing a 4-3-1-2 formation
Patrick Clemence
David Aimer Gary Lewis Stephen Diddon Woodrow Derby
Aaron Whitemore David Clemance Kevin Wallace
Tom Darkless
Richard Higgins Steve Redrow

West Zirconia took another step closer to Baptism of Fire glory today with a 1-0 win over An Blascoad Mór.

An Blascoad Mór, the bane of commentators thanks to the unpronounceable nature of some of the squad's names, had done well to reach this stage, winning a tight first group stage before finishing the second stage second behind the seemingly unstoppable Land de Wood.

West Zirconia coach Roy Hazell kept faith with the side that defeated the anonymous We Hate Football (and we're still never going to reveal their identities) in the previous round, while An Blascoad Mór had a full squad to choose from, so were able to select their first choice eleven.

Both teams started slowly, seemingly with one eye on what was at stake, though the Celts had a couple of good chances after around ten minutes, with both Patrick Doyle and Muris O'Sullivan forcing excellent saves from Steve Gray. The Banks goalkeeper must surely be a contender for a Player of the Tournament award - provided, that is, that such an award actually exists. If not, then it should. Although he conceded four in three games in the first stage, when the team were distracted by outside issues, in the subsequent six games (including this one) he was beaten only twice.

A further save from a point-blank range shot by Muris O'Sullivan only served to help Gray's cause, while Tomás O'Neil was also being kept busy in the An Blascoad Mór goal. He was lucky not to concede in the twentieth minute when Steve Griffiths was one-on-one with him, only for Griffiths to shoot straight at O'Neil. Griffiths was given another chance just three minutes later, but shot a foot wide of the post.

Patrick Williams and Ed French are proving to be an excellent partnership, which can only fuel speculation that Roy Hazell, wearing his Banks manager's hat, will attempt to sign Williams from St. Martin University. If they play like this together at club level, that would go another step to making Banks unbeatable in the domestic game. But such talk is for later.

What concerns us at the moment is how they perform for West Zirconia, and they put in an excellent performance between them. The frustration that they were causing the Celts' midfield was plain to see, and Patrick O'Donovan was booked for making just one late tackle too many on Williams. Dougal McGuire was lucky not to join O'Donovan in the book after a similar series of clumsy challenges on both Williams and French.

Half-time came without a score, but it certainly could not have been described as boring. Both teams were pretty evenly matched, though thanks to the bookings (Braden Doyle and Patty O'Shea had also been cautioned by now), An Blascoad Mór had to be just that little bit more careful.

West Zirconia made their first substitution ten minutes into the second half, when it became clear that Lewis Fox was struggling. He was replaced by Matt Evans, who immediately caused trouble for the opposition's strikers. In fact, he was frustrating their strikers from the start, blocking two excellent shots from Tomás O'Sullivan, and putting in a last-ditch tackle on Patrick Doyle just as the latter was about to shoot into an open goal.

The frustration told half-way through the second half, when Dougal McGuire was finally booked for a clumsy challenge on Ed French, as was Tomás O'Sullivan for arguing with the referee about the booking. About ten minutes later, McGuire received a second yellow for a ridiculous lunge at Martin Forster. Now playing with ten men, the Celts retreated, hoping to defend their way to a penalty shootout. Ciarán Mac an Bhainbh came on for Muris O'Sullivan to make their intentions clear.

An Blascoad Mór's tactic almost worked; however, with five minutes to play, Anthony McGowan sprinted along the right wing, and crossed to Steve Griffiths, whose header into the top corner left the otherwise faultless Tomás O'Neil helpless.

An Blascoad Mór 0-1 West Zirconia
__________________Griffiths 85

Bookings:
O'Donovan (An Blascoad Mór) 35
B.Doyle (An Blascoad Mór) 41
O'Shea (An Blascoad Mór) 43
Faulkner (West Zirconia) 56
McGuire (An Blascoad Mór) 68
T.O'Sullivan (An Blascoad Mór) 68

Sending-off:
McGuire (An Blascoad Mór) 79


West Zirconia will face Land de Wood in the semi-final. The Woodpeckers have remarkably won all of their games so far, including a 2-0 victory over West Zirconia in the first group stage. However, West Zirconia's form has improved greatly since that first day, and so a most memorable clash is expected.

"You're not going to believe this, Dad."

"I don't know - Roy Hazell's been abducted by aliens? Go on, surprise me."

"We've got Land de Wood again."

Damon let out a brief, and quiet, expletive. He remembered that first match of the campaign. Just the mention of the opponents brought back memories of having to pacify Roy Downes and Geoff Young in this very building, of the newspaper reports suggesting West Zirconia were going to be sitting ducks. Thankfully, all that was in the past, but could history repeat itself?

"Dad? You've gone quiet."

"Sorry, James - I was miles away. How's the mood in the team then?"

"Very confident this time. They seem determined not to make the same mistakes as they did in the first game"

"That includes Ben, I hope?"

The phone went quiet for a few seconds. "Well, he doesn't exactly want to get sent off again, you know." There was a defensive edge in James' voice which quite surprised his father. "Besides, Roy's thinking of playing him on the other side so he doesn't come up against that idiot again."

The announcement that Aaron Whitemore was back in the Land de Wood team after his injury was not welcome news, as it potentially put the two together again. Thankfully, Ben was versatile enough to play elsewhere, if it meant keeping them apart. Damon was lost again in thought as he weighed up the possible formations.

"Dad? What's got into you today?"

"Sorry, James - I was just working out where Ben would go to fit in with the rest of the team."

"Well, I'm sure Roy will have it all sorted out. After all, it is his job!"

"True. How's Ben feeling about playing Land de Wood again?"

"He's really geared up for it. I think he just wants revenge for the stick he got in the other game."

"Who was giving him stick? Just Whitemore or the crowd?"

"The crowd were fine - it was just...him." James could hardly bring himself to name the antagonist. "I don't know what he was saying - Ben never told anyone what went on, not even me. But it obviously hurt him enough for him to lash out like that."

Damon could hear that it was also beginning to upset James, and tried to lift his son's mood. "Who knows, James - he might do something dramatic like he did against We Hate Football. After all, look how he's improved as the competition's progressed."

Now it was James' turn to go quiet. A few seconds passed. "Hope so. Thanks, Dad - I don't know how you put up with me sometimes."

"Because I'm your father - the same reason you put up with me sometimes."

Father and son laughed. At present everything seemed quite surreal. If they were to beat Land de Wood and reach the final, it would be even more so.

"Anyway, Dad - I'd better be off. I want to go and see Ben before he reports for duty."

"Fair enough - wish him and the team the best of luck."

"Will do, Dad. Bye."

"Bye, James."

Damon got up, picked up his jacket and walked to reception. "I'm going out for a bit. If anyone calls, tell them I'll be half an hour."

"Certainly, Mr. Clarke." Even the receptionist was getting more cheerful as the tournament went on. There was a spring in Damon's step as he walked to his Triumph Stag, got in and drove off. Driving - especially with his favourite Keith Mansfield CD playing, was one of Damon's great pleasures. It was just the tonic he needed at present.

West Zirconia have announced their team for the match against Land de Wood. The only surprise is captain Ben Phillips' move from left-back to right-back. It is understood that the move was made to avoid a repeat of the clashes between himself and Aaron Whitemore, which led to his sending-off. Lewis Fox moves over to replace him.

The full starting eleven will be as follows:

GK Steve Gray (Banks)
DL Lewis Fox (St. Andrew's)
DC Matt Evans (Markham)
DC Paul Paterson (Bradley Hornets)
DR Ben Phillips (c) (Moorcroft City)
ML Ian Hawthorne (Civil Service)
MC Patrick Williams (St. Martin University)
MC Ed French (Banks)
MR Anthony McGowan (Markham)
FW Martin Forster (Moorcroft City)
FW Steve Griffiths (Banks)

So it's the big match, Land de Wood verses West Zirconia.
We are just hearing news that Ben Phillips has switched to right back to avoid coming up against Aaron Whitemore again. Is Ben the West Zirconia running scared? Just what did Aaron Whitemore say to him? We don't know the answers to these questions but we do know that today's game is going to be a cracker.

It will be interesting to see how Kevin Wallace does against Ben Phillips and whether Lewis Fox does a better job of keeping Aaron Whitemore quiet. Then there is the question of who is going to keep an eye on Tom Darkless playing behind the two strikers, no doubt Steve Redrow will be looking to draw one of the centre backs out of position to let Darkless through the gap.

But let's remember West Zirconia have players that can cause problems themselves. Steve Griffiths and Martin Forster have formed a good partnership upfront and will be looking for goals again. Meanwhile in the middle of the park Patrick Williams and Ed French have been playing out of their skin recently.

So it's going to be a very interesting game.

Semi-final Results:

Land de Wood 0-1 West Zirconia
Magna Sancta Sedes 3-0 Kanji Starter



Final: West Zirconia vs. Magna Sancta Sedes

3PPO: Land de Wood vs. Kanji Starter

News coming from the Conclave is exceptionally slow, and there's little hope to get any word from them, after their 16th puff of black smoke. The Sistine Proceedings are exceptionally pristine, meaning no obscene leaks through sixteen weeks of routine streaks. That also means we're getting bored waiting for the Cardinals to make up their minds about who will be the next Pope. On that note, we do have the latest scores from the BoF, where the Most Holy Representative Team of Magna Sancta Sedes defeated (again) the Kanji Starters. It was a 3-0 victory that left the fathers in despondent prayer, especially after two late own-goals secured the win. Father Thomas Aquinas ended the match with remarks, "After that first goal, it was apparent that the Kanji Starters did not want to go into the last match with a win. In fact, they were so keen to avoid Land de Wood in the Final match, which honestly all analysts were expecting. Lo, the LORD's mercy upon the Kanji Starters will head to the 3rd Place Playoff match facing the very foes they sought to avoid. But we will face the equally daunting task of defeating West Zirconia." Why was the Father despondent? "For we have slew the Kanji Starters with a 3-goal margin! The Lord verily will not be pleased with such flamboyant display. We must seek to be meek and humble through this affair, which I must admit has put me to tears. I have cried, 'LORD, why must we win so? Would not one goal have sufficed?' We must retire for prayers until the final match, and pray that the path is clear to our salvation."

And so, the MHRFT leaves with a 3-nil win, while hoping West Zirconia's slender 1-nil win over Land de Wood will not curry the LORD's favor against MSS. With that, we also look forward to seeing the results of the 3PPO match between Kanji Starters and Land de Wood.


SIC

=== Inside the Conclave ===

Dean of the College of Cardinals = DCC
Prefect of the Conclave = PCC
others...

DCC: Okay, this being our 17th voting period, after an extensive debate once more between the proper toastiness of marshmallows and the definition of a smore, we will need to vote on who is best fitted to be Pope. We have the three Preferati, and no other nominations on the floor, so I'm sorry - as much as we are the Holy Roman Catholic Church, a Christian Church, we cannot elect Jesus Christ, our LORD and Savior as the next Pope. Because he's not here to accept the nomination literally. Figuratively, I'm pretty sure he would reject any nomination anyway, because he left the Church to men to handle, as he passed it to Peter, and Peter did to Linus, and Linus did to Anacletus, and so on and so on. So for the last time, Jesus Christ is not a candidate.

*moans among the Cardinals*

PCC: Okay, that said, the Dean has ordered 15 minutes for voting. Be mindful of your surroundings, for everything that has any writing upon it shall be burned. So if you want your clothes - Cardinal Rossi... - do not write upon them or let them be wrote upon. Skin will be burned too. And all articles must be submitted to the altar for the Dean to read publicly. Begin!

*groans among the Cardinals*

Prefect1: Two of the Preferati are in the bathroom! Iosephus and Adolphus!

Prefect2: They were caught investing in maculate misconduct!

Iosephus: I can defend myself!

Adolphus: What is there to defend? You started it.

DCC: Quiet! We're still voting here!

PCC: I seriously think that we should stop here... this is a serious charge...

Prefect3: There is a cover magazine of WIN amongst us!

*gasps among the Cardinals*

DCC: *turns to PCC, whispering* WIN?

PCC: I believe that they mean the "Women's International News" organization. Apparently, they make more than just the news...

DCC: Bring forth the article! *waits for magazine to appear* This detested blasphemy? It's just a bunch of nude women posing in suggestive postures!

PCC: I think... *ahem* it's called pornography.

DCC: *yells* Pornography amongst us?

*gasps among the Cardinals*

PCC: We should be mindful of our exhortations...

Prefect1: Are we even going to talk about the misconduct of Iosephus and Adolphus?

Prefect2: I spotted them! I need to go to the loo, but they were stuck in the only stall that we have, so I peeped...

DCC: *yells* You peeped over the stall?

*gasps among the Cardinals*

PCC: We really should be mindful of our exhortations. People can hear us, you know...

DCC: *scribbles on a notepad* We are now voting upon the religious righteousness of peeping over the bathroom stall. You have two options - Right or Wrong. Vote begins now!

*frantic rush for voting*

PCC: Just so you know, only the Pope can really do that. Which is why we're voting for the Pope. Right?

DCC: But we must decide if peeping is allowed.

Prefect2: I really had to go to the loo!

Iosephus: But this blasphemer peeped over the loo!

Adolphus: And we were busily using it!

Prefect1: I wonder why you were using it!

PCC: Can we not get all agitated about who went to what loo to do what? We need to decide who's going to be Pope!

DCC: We must decide whether it's right to peep over the loo!

Prefect1: But we must decide if Iosephus and Adolphus are proper candidates!

Prefect3: We must decide what is or isn't pornography!

Prefect4: We must decide what is the right thing to decide!

*cheers among the Cardinals*

DCC *bangs gavel* Very well, we shall now vote on what is the right thing to vote upon. Voting begins now!

*flurry of votes*

PCC: This is going to be a hard thing to explain to the people...

So the big match was played earlier today and Land de Wood beat West Zirconia and are through to the final. Land de Wood have the chance to win their first international footballing trophy.

HOLD ON, Did anyone actually check the result before writing that, what do you mean, it was a forgone conclusion, intern you are fired, get me the sports editor now!

This was meant to be an easy game, some would say a walk in the park for Land de Wood afterall they had already beaten West Zirconia in the 1st group stage so another win, would be easy.

Well it was a tense first half, midfield battle after midfield battle, the odd attacker got through only to be cut out by the defense.
In the twenty-fifth minute, Tom Darkless burst through from midfield, played the ball into Richard Higgins who scores, Land de Wood 1-0 West Zirconia. Hold on the assistant referee has his flag up, the referee goes over and has a chat with him, and then points to the edge of the penalty area for a free kick for offside, goal disallowed. Aaron Whitemore is not happy, he's having words with the assistant referee. The referee comes over to find out what it is all about, and sends Aaron Whitemore off for swearing at the linesman! Well this is a bit of a turn up for the books, remember that 1st round game when Aaron Whitemore round Ben Phillips up so much he got sent off, this time it's Aaron Whitemore who is sent off.
Down to ten men, Land de Wood reformate with Tom Darkless coming over to the right wing.

So half time, no goals, and one red card.

The second half is underway, 4 minutes gone, Kevin Wallace beats Ben Phillips again, whips in the cross, Richard Higgins volleys home, but the assistant referee has his flag up, another goal disallowed for offside.
Twenty-two minutes gone, corner from Tom Darkless, Gary Hoggins on for Richard Higgins, heads home, but the referee blows, apparently for some pushing in the box, and that's a yellow card for Stephen Diddon who I believe is now out of the final, should the Woodpeckers make it.
We are one minute into injury time when Anthony McGowan bursts down the right wing, crosses the ball in and Steve Griffiths heads home. Surely he was a yard offside there, but the assistant referee is keeping his flag down. Goal given!
Land de Wood 0-1 West Zirconia
Man of the match: Kevin Wallace, didn't give up down that left wing
Worst man of the match: The refereeing team, disallowing 3 good goals.

The Woodpeckers are not happy but the refereeing team have given the game to West Zirconia.

Lessons of Virtue

With the global news broadcasts of a disappointing loss mired with scandal, this writer wishes to remind the people of Land de Wood of the virtue of humility. Of course, there is only one chance to win the BoF, and there was the extreme degree of referee bias; but turning rage to blame shows the lack of self-control. The inclination to blame others first, while reserving all praise for their own charges, shows prominent hubris. If anything, their confidence had killed them, and when confronted with biased referees, they failed to acclimate to the challenge. I think the loss against West Zirconia can teach the Land de Wood team a little humility - a preparation for the World Cup Qualification itself.

Truth be told, the losing with grace is not losing at all. If Land de Wood can win their next match, they will have learned their lesson.

There have been calls for an investigation into the performance of the officials in the Baptism of Fire semi-final between Land de Wood and West Zirconia. West Zirconia won the contest 1-0, but manager Roy Hazell has joined Andrew Wood in condemning the ineptitude of the referee and his assistants.

Land de Wood had a goal disallowed in the 25th minute which has since been judged to have been marginally onside, and a similar incident, though unrecorded by the Land de Wood press, happened when Martin Forster was wrongly judged to be offside ten minutes later. Aaron Whitemore was sent off for disputing the disallowed Land de Wood goal, when most officials would have been content with giving a caution. In fact, three other players - Land de Wood's Tom Darkless and West Zirconian pair Steve Griffiths and Patrick Williams were cautioned for similar offences when, by the referee's previous reckoning, they should have been sent off. Towards the end of the game, the referee was stopping play every minute for offences - if they were even offences at all - which he had left unpunished earlier in the game.

In the words of West Zirconian captain Ben Phillips, "He just lost it completely. Anyone fell over - the whistle went. If the ball hit your chest, he'd whistle for handball. It seemed like he'd do anything to stop the game flowing."

"It's the inconsistency that bugs me the most," Hazell remarked. "If the referee laid down the rules and stuck to them, then we'd all know where we stood. The referee we had yesterday didn't seem to know what he was doing himself, and neither did the linesmen. Where those offsides came from, I'll never know."

When asked why he was joining Andrew Wood in calling for their performance to be investigated, he said, "It's not a nice way to win a game, and it could just as easily have been us on the receiving end. We want to make sure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again." Regarding Andrew Wood's call for the three officials to be barred from future Land de Wood games, he said, "Well, I'd stop them officiating at any further games, to be honest. But I hope he doesn't think he's going to get his own way on this one. We all get rotten officials from time to time, and we have to learn to live with it."

Well with West Zirconia's manager joining us in voicing displeasure at the standard of refereeing yesterday we can only hope for a better refereeing team in todays game.

We would ask Magna Sancta Sedes reporters to not comment on a match they obviously had not even seen, when both teams are obviously displeased with the standard of refereeing there is a problem and that's not our lack of humility. Had we lost the game fair and square we would have been the first to congratulate a West Zirconia side that have come on leaps and bounds throughout the tournament, but sadly this was not the case, the refereeing team let us down.

Meanwhile, in the West Zirconian team hotel:

"Right, lads - let's put that last game behind us now. You've only got one game between you and glory. Only problem is, it's that bunch of monks or whatever they are from Magna Sancta Sedes."

"They're Church Fathers, boss. Early Church Fathers. Dead, but resurrected."

"All right, thanks for that, Anthony. Anyway, we're going to go out and play our usual game, but with one difference."

"What's that, then?"

"Patience, Paul. I've been on to ediraf, and they've sent down a new set of shirts. Because we're playing such a bunch of devout Catholics, I thought we'd counter that by turning up as some of the greatest names in Protestantism. You'll be wearing the same numbers you have all along, only your names will be different. Hopefully, it'll wind them up so much we'll be able to walk over them."

"We don't have to do any preaching or anything like that, do we?"

"No, Martin, hopefully the mere mention of these names will be enough to throw them off course."

"What if we don't actually believe any of it anyway?"

"Good question, Lee. Just go along with it for 90 minutes - you won't actually have to say anything. OK, got that? Right, let's give them a right holy beating. God bless you all."



_______________________________________________


The West Zirconian team for the Baptism of Fire final has been announced. Thanks to manager Roy Hazell's ingenious, if odd, idea of turning this match into the greatest religious struggle since the Reformation, the team will become, for 90 (or 120) minutes, some of the pivotal names in Protestant Christianity.

The line-up will be as follows:

GK Martin Luther (alias Steve Gray)
DL John Wesley (c) (alias Ben Phillips)
DC Ulrich Zwingli (alias Lewis Fox)
DC William Tyndale (alias Mike Faulkner)
DR Thomas Cranmer (alias Paul Paterson)
ML Philipp Melanchthon (alias Lee Pritchard)
MC John Calvin (alias Patrick Williams)
MC Charles Wesley (alias Ed French)
MR John Knox (alias Anthony McGowan)
FW Hugh Latimer (alias Martin Forster)
FW Nicholas Ridley (alias Steve Griffiths)


It promises to be an exciting, if unusually holy, match.

"They've done what?"

"No kidding, Dad - Roy's given them all shirts with names of Protestants on the backs. Something to do with the opposition all being Catholics or something."

"You mean, like Martin Luther and John Calvin and all that?"

"That's it. Ben's ended up being John Wesley."

Damon laughed. He knew Roy was going to be crazy when the board appointed him, but he didn't realise his sense of humour would extend to this. Still, whatever helps West Zirconia to win the final - as long as it was by fair means, of course. "I suspect the referee will have an easy game then - no bookings or sendings-off, then?"

"Only if preaching to the opposition's a bookable offence!"

"True. How have the team taken to their new roles?"

"They've been all right about it. Lee Pritchard's a bit ticked off about it, him being an atheist and all that. But if Lee causes any trouble, Roy can always put Menno Simons on."

"Who?"

"Menno Simons - Dutch religious leader, quite big in the Anabaptist movement. Or Ceri Hall if you prefer."

"Oh, all right." There was more than a hint of confusion in Damon's voice. "Well, as long as it has the desired effect - that's all we can hope for."

"Certainly is - besides, think of all those Methodists who'd be overjoyed to see John Wesley hold the trophy aloft. Even if it's not actually that John Wesley."

"Er...right. This should be an interesting game. Hope you enjoy it."

"Thanks, Dad. I'm sure we can win this. I'll let you know how it goes."

"Thanks, James. Take care."

"Will do, Dad. Bye."

Damon sat back and thought to himself. "Either we're going to make complete fools of ourselves or we'll win this game - and still make complete fools of ourselves..."

We would ask Magna Sancta Sedes reporters to not comment on a match they obviously had not even seen, when both teams are obviously displeased with the standard of refereeing there is a problem and that's not our lack of humility. Had we lost the game fair and square we would have been the first to congratulate a West Zirconia side that have come on leaps and bounds throughout the tournament, but sadly this was not the case, the refereeing team let us down.

To the appropriate Land de Wood authorities, statesmen, and people:

The author of the previous article wishes to state a few clarifications.


He is not a reporter for Magna Sancta Sedes, just a a lector of virtues.
He did not comment anything about the match, of which he has little confidence of the rules.
His primary purpose was to lecture the virtue of humility, which means taking defeat with dignity, regardless of the circumstances. Lest one be disappointed over a loss that was unjust, how much more so will one be disgusted over a loss that was just? Verily, the side that has no humility is quick to blame others for faults that they could not have seen. Indeed, if a side could only manage 3 shots on target, why not more? Indeed, if a player was at fault to receive a red card, why did he do so? Indeed, what errors could Land de Wood have mitigated to make themselves unworthy of blame? To assume first that others are to blame clouds the judgment of one's confidence; "Seek first to remove the plank from thine own eye before removing the speck from thy neighbor"; so spake the LORD. The author does not credit himself with the knowledge of how a match is won or lost, but when focusing on the reasons for losing, seek first the path to victory. Faulty referees are indeed present, and do honorably to seek their removal; but when casting one's blame for error, seek no further than one's own. Let the LORD judge, for lest anyone be judged by the same tenets as one judges others, salvation is far from all who seek it then.


The LORD may add His blessings to the saying of His Words, and may it find a home in the hearts of those who hear it.



And for all those seeking to hear word of the Conclave's results, they are still locked in the Sistine Chapel.

Final Result:

West Zirconia 4-0 Magna Sancta Sedes


3PPO
Land de Wood 3-1 Kanji Starter


Winner: West Zirconia
Runner-Up: Magna Sancta Sedes
3rd Place: Land de Wood

SIC

=== Inside the Conclave ===

Dean of the College of Cardinals = DCC
Prefect of the Conclave = PCC
others...

DCC: Alright, so we're settled upon our 41st election round, and we've finally decided that pornography is anything that shows nude persons in sexually suggestive poses explicitly on any form of media, be it photo, word, or thought. And henceforth all pornography is barred from the Conclave, so we can settle upon the election of the next Pope. Once again, all prior rules stands, and we will begin to vote upon the proper candidates. Father Iosephus and Father Adolphus have been stricken from the candidacy do their pornographic postures in the bathroom stall, so the only option that you have for election is Father Guillelmus. With that said, vote begins now.

PCC: Father Dean, wouldn't you find it sound to at least offer Guillelmus a challenger? That way, people won't suggest that we fixed the votes?

DCC: Someone is fixing the votes?

*gasps among the Cardinals*

PCC: Father, let us be mindful of our exhortations...

DCC: This is a serious challenge! We must investigate this thoroughly!

PCC: On second thought, let's not double check and just vote already.

DCC: So you're withdrawing your motion to validate the charges of vote fixation among the Conclave?

PCC: What motion?

DCC: *confused* Very well, let's continue to vote for the Pope. All ballots here!

*Cardinals bring ballots to the Dean*

PCC: I've counted them all, and they're all here.

DCC: Very well, I will now begin the long, excruciating process of counting each individual vote and waiting for the Prelate of the Conclave to record each vote. Are we ready? *groans among the Cardinals* Vote number 1 - Guillelmus de Occam! *waits for PCC* Vote number 2 - Guillelmus de Occam! *waits for PCC* Vote number 3 - Guillelmus de Occam! *waits for PCC* Vote number 4 - Guillelmus de Occam!

*** 26 hours later ***

... and finally our last vote - Guillelmus de Occam!

PCC: And that's a unanimous vote for Guillelmus de Occam! Father Guillelmus, do you accept your nomination as Supreme Pontiff, in the name of our LORD and Savior?

Guillelmus: I wish to have a recount, to make sure that all the votes are counted and noted correctly.

PCC: *baffled* But there is nothing to note incorrectly. Every vote is in your favor.

Guillelmus: If I cannot have a recount, I will refuse the nomination.

*groans among the Cardinals*

DCC: Very well, take all the notes and ballots to be burned! That includes your robe, Father Lucas! I can see that writing quite visibly on your smock!

PCC: I really wish you didn't have to recount... *takes articles to be burned and sends up the black smoke* Okay, people, this is going to be for the 42nd election round! Let's do this right and simply.

DCC: Begin voting for the next Pope!

*votes frantically scramble*

PCC: I hope you realize that this means another 26 hours of counting the ballots...

News today of defeat in the Final match of the BoF was met with joyous news of the new Pope's election! Visitors and faithful alike were met with a puff of white smoke and chimes of bells from the Sistine Chapel as Pope HONORIFICABILITVDINITATIBVS. He stood over the balcony, waving to the crowds and issuing his first speech as Pope - "I see God's mandate to bring the world together in harmony: to throw apart the schisms that tear humanity apart, to dissemble the injustices that inseminate mistrust and fear, to assure the children of the LORD that salvation is not far at hand. We must be welcome and open to the world, for through open arms do we heal the wounds of time."

The other news was the shattering 4-nil loss. Fortunately, no refereeing fault was recorded by the Holy Team (although the fans did try to spray water upon the MHRFT, before being hassled by the FAIL guards). The defeat was likely the choice of the goalkeeper Father Bonaventura to use only his genitalia to block the goal, veering away from the ball if it even looked to touch his hands. This resulted in a number of moments when Father Bonaventura lay on the ground in excruciating pain while the defenders were left to scramble the ball away with their feet. Nonetheless, Father Thomas Aquinas completed his treble by receiving his record third red card in the second half, after he went onto the field and suddenly and inexplicably stripped in front of the crowd. Team members familiar with the Father claim that he was witnessing the transfiguration, and needed to cleanse himself of all worldly impurities - "including his clothes," so they remarked. Nonetheless, the referees called upon security to remove the naked man, cradled in the fetal position. It would have been an embarrassing day for the MHRFT, especially since they were performing against a team of pseudo-heretics; but Father Thomas Aquinas, after the match said, "The LORD has found favor upon us for FAILing to win our last match. For winning against one team by 3 goals, we have learned the lesson of giving - 'tis better to give than to receive."

With the BoF finally, we can finally rail on the BoF Hosts for FAILing to perform the BoF within 14 days (from the first marked post of the BoF to the present). It was a classic case of FAILure, and if ever the BoF needs FAILure, they can surely count upon FAIL to complete the task successfully - or conversely, if they except success, they can count on FAIL to FAIL again!

So an opportunity for the Woodpeckers to restore some pride with a 3rd/4th play off against Kanji Starter.

Five minutes into the game and Kanji Starter took a shock lead, a quick move taking the defense by surprise led to their striker scoring an early goal.

But Land de Wood were not a team to give up easily, Tom Darkless playing right wing following Aaron Whitemore's red card in the previous game made some good runs, and in the twentieth minute his cross led to Gary Hoggins, in for Steve Redrow, heading home. 1-1

Then in the fourtieth minute David Clemance burst through from midfield and set Richard Higgins up. 2-1

The half time whistle blows and things are looking good.

Eleven minutes into the second half Larry Derby, plays the ball out wide to Kevin Wallace who makes a sensational run down the left wing, and crosses it in for Gary Hoggins to head home. 3-1

And that was how the game ended 3-1.
Gary Hoggins has had a mixed tournament but his two goals here earned Land de Wood 3rd place, and the best record in the tournament losing only 1 of their 11 games.