NationStates Jolt Archive

Government Begins Development Program, Creates Contraversy
The JBU Skeptic Press
Thursday, 2008 Feb. 7
Lorne Smithins, Staff Reporter

Coffee, DRJBM- Overnight the philosophers agreed to begin the demolition of the so-called "Kitty Kat Temple", a big mound of rock believed to be a relic of some alleged ancient peoples (whose bodies have yet to be found). This is seen as a necessity for the continuation of what the nation calls its "economic development plan". The "plan" involves building four extra buildings for JBU as well as a new minimall for our growing retail sector.

The government believes that it will bring in foreign money by opening JBU to students from foreign governments. Retail sales are expected to grow at a rate that will surpass the current mini-mall's capacity and create a lot of new private sector jobs for the dolts who can't get a degree and find government work.

Not everyone is happy about this. Historian Jimmy Bagel says that the Kitty Kat Temple should be preserved and has been threatening to take the issue up with the UN. "It's not just a big mound of rock," he says, "It's a monument of great importance to understanding the ancient Javanese." He showed me a few rocks that he claims to be "artifacts".

Economic Philosopher Piggy Carmichael suggests that the whole plan is wrong. While he thinks bulldozing the "temple" is a good idea and will ultimately be better for the delusional historians, he doesn't see much hope that JBU will attract a lot of international attention... and it all rides on that.
"We'd be better of building luxury hotel resorts or something like that," he says.

But that's just what some other citizens are afraid of. "This will lead us down a slippery slope toward capitalist oppression," says Joanne Philly, some lady we met at LatteBucks, "The nation will begin to fall under the influence of big money foreign powers and then it'll be gas chambers and nukes!"

The Primary Person in Charge of Decision-Making's office gave us this reply: "Mr. Black wants to reassure the population that he will not sell out his people, at least not on purpose."
But many government Philosophers, who remain anonymous, are suggesting that Java Black himself might be losing what control he has due to the constant expansion of government posts and the frequent elections.
"There's no telling whether the entire power structure will go off in random directions or whether JB loyalists will stage a coup. In fact confusion is so great that I don't even know what department I'm in. If I could I would stop all this madness... But it seems to be in the hands of the Government Agency Administration Department... which ironically was created to keep just this from happening!"

The view of the JBU Skeptic Press is that it's all rubbish. All of it.

Transcript from Channel 36 News... Live

Thelma: "Hi. I'm Thelma Bratwurst with Channel 36 News. We are about to show you live coverage of Primary Decision-Maker Java Black's press conference. Here comes the guy now, looking as poorly dressed as ever."

JB: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to say that the nation is doing well. While you may not be rich, you are free in every imaginable way and we are constantly thinking up ways to make you freer."

Reporter: "Mr. Black, some people are saying that democracy is going downhill in this country. Why-"

JB: "Uh... Wait... Who said that? Why?"

Reporter: "well, the government does seem to be increasing the size of its armed forces and there's the contraversy around the economic development plan. Some people think the government is selling it's people down the river. What do you-"

JB: "Selling people down the river? Are you sure you've got that metaphor right? It sounds a bit mismatched... but uh... yea... the military and the economic development- Ummm... The military is growing? And what economic development plan?"

Reporter: "The one set up by your Department of Government Agency Administration."

JB: "When did we vote that department into existence?"

[EXPLOSION!]

Thelma:"It appears soldiers are surrounding the place... and there's that [expletive deleted] head of Government Agency Administration... Damien Grout! It's like the plot to some stupid movie!"

JB: "You could have knocked. Doors don't grow on trees you know."

Reporter: "Not to mention it was unlocked. [expletive deleted]!"

[GUNSHOT!]
[Reporter falls dead]

Grout: "Under word of my Department's subdepartment, the Council of Psychiatric Health, we have come to the decision that you, Mr. Black, are not fit to run this country."

JB: "That's no reason to kill a reporter. And who around here is mentally fit for running the country?"

Grout: "Your economic policies are a detriment to this nation. While we should be looking into processing the country's natural resources, you insist on some wrong-headed university district expansion... leading to the destruction of a dear national landmark."

JB: "Okay... Let's take this slow. First of all, I never heard about any university expansion thingy. Second of all, I didn't have any say in the destruction of the Kitty Kat Temple. I was just going to announce that I thought it was mean. The historians really think that's a real site. It'll break their hearts. And third of all... you still haven't explained why you killed that reporter."

Thelma: "Not to mention how this Government Agency Administration Department ever came into existence in the first place... I didn't catch that ballot either... I mean... Oh yeah I remember now. How silly of me. Shame on you, Java Black... Please don't point that gun at me, Mr. Grout..."

Grout: "Obviously, Mr. Black, you have no idea what's going on in this country. So I shall have to see you put under the care you so desperately need. From now on your rulings will be made in secret from your room in the DRJBM National Asylum"

JB: "We have an asylum?"

Grout: "We do now."

Thelma: "They're exiting now. Java Black is in the custody of a renegade government philosopher and a small platoon. I never thought I'd live to see the day a coup took our nation. I'm Thelma Bratwurst. This is Channel 36... while there's still free media at least.

Good night and good luck."

Political Crisis in Java Black's Madness
Thursday, 2008 Feb. 7
The World News Monitor
Sven Holloway, Investigative Reporter

The tiny island nation known as The Democratic Republic of Java Black's Madness underwent what some believe to be a military coup this afternoon. The chief executive of the nation, an eccentric liberal named Java Black, was carted away by a governmnet minister under claims that he was not in a proper mental state to carry out his duties.

This event follows a series of strange events. First of all the country made a complaint with the United Nations on the perceived unfairness of the resolution protecting historical sites. For some reason, government officials believed that this resolution could possibly undermine the attempts to remove a big pile of rocks from the capital Coffee's University District. "Some historians believed that the pile was a ruined temple from ancient people," says Java Black University Dean Tarantula Ferris, "It makes them feel better about their jobs." This clean up was apparently for the purpose of a contraversial economic development package, involving the use of JBU's campus for training staff from other governments in order to bring in foreign money.

Another strange event leading up to this was an unprecedented expansion of the country's military. The island nation tends to stay out of conflict and most of its citizens are against spending on defense. This event and the economic development program are both connected to a ministry referred to as the Government Agency Administration Department. While the nation's government is known for rapid growth, the growth of the GAAD has been much more rapid.

Of course the minister of the GAAD is the very person that escorted Mr. Black from the capitol, where he was holding a press conference, to an asylum hidden deep in the lush rain forests. The same man Damien Grout is currently acting as the country's executive.

"The claim that democracy has ended is just a conspiracy theory," says Washington Apple, an assistant to Mr. Grout and chairman of the new Propaganda Council, "Mr. Black was removed to a location where he could recover. Stress has put him in an awkward state of mind. He is still the [chief executive], at least until next week's election. But he, while lucid in his asylum room, appointed Mr. Grout as his proxy until he recovers."

Others we spoke to did not agree with Mr. Apple's assessment. An anonymous source stated that the real purpose behind the economic development plan was a cover for creating new university programs that will teach governance under a different kind of system to ministers in the country's own government. There has been a major purging of some government departments in the name of fiscal conservatism. But anonymous sources say that the purging is centered on Java Black loyalists, who are being sent to the same asylum.

Mr. Apple disregards these speculations. "The Department Mr. Grout represents was designed for ensuring government accountability. There is a lot of waste and incompetence. Unfortunately Mr. Black was part of that. But even he understands, as he tells us in lucid moments, that the country must take a new direction. We do hope he is well in time for next week's election."

In any case, what we do know is that the tiny island nation is under new management. Human rights organizations have not yet noticed any failings in human rights, but are under the suspicion that the elections in the country, which continue, are more for show under the reign of Damien Grout.

Interview With General Theresa Beezlebrox, Leader of the "Loyalists"
recorded in the cafeteria of Java Black University's F-2 Wing

Thelma: "Thelma Bratwurst here at Java Black University... which has just seceded from the country. I'm talking to General Theresa Beezlebrox who is in charge of this secession.
General Beezlebrox, what is going on here? Why is the University seceding and what is the military doing here?"

Gen B: "One thing those slimebags didn't think about is that this university is a stronghold for those loyal to the ideals this country was founded on. Freedom, communiy, and government of the people. The army's split on this whole thing. Some of those punks are swallowing all that Grout is feeding them because he's offering them wealth and power. But a lot of us are Java Black loyalists. And we're just as armed as they are!"

Thelma: "Why are you backing Java Black, as a military officer of high rank? Mr. Black has resisted all movements to build up the military until the GAAD started gaining influence. It would seem to me you'd welcome the GAAD's leadership."

Gen B:"I do believe this country needs a strong defense and even the Primary Decision-Maker agreed to it. Our region has a neo-conservative country in it for crying out loud! We can't be too careful.
But the purpose of our military is to defend the homeland from invasion, not to work as the armed apes of a sleazy politician that wasn't even voted into office... and who we're not even sure was really appointed... and certainly not to police our own people!
If Grout wanted to get his ideas into place, he should have run for some post. Instead he used deception and military force to seize power... and all the toadies in the government, the ones he hasn't locked up, are pretending like there wasn't even a coup! Those traitors will answer to us!"

Thelma: "But the ideals of this country are against violence, and like you said the military should not be policing the people. How can you justify taking back the nation through the use of force? And what will you do with those you call traitors?"

Gen B: "Well you can't fight an army by singing Koom-baya, now can you? Maybe Java doesn't believe that, but this is what I do for a living. I think we can keep casualties low and we're not going to execute the scum. We'll just keep them locked away good and tight and under humane conditions... because we're better than them."

Thelma: "Well, there you have it, whoever's listening. This island is now in a state of civil war. All this seems to be happening fast... and who knows what tomorrow will bring? This is Thelma Bratwurst,working freelance and signing off."

Channel 36 Evening News

Tim: "Tim Sprike here with Channel 36 Evening News. Our top story is that moments after Grand Philosopher Grout was handed authority by the Primary Decision Maker while he takes a holiday, rebels have seized Java Black University. They appear to be under the misguided notion that the nation has been taken over by a coup and the rebellion includes members of the army, including our top general Theresa Beezlebrox. Here's Zom Zoogoo on location."

Zom: "Well,Tim, it appears the nation has gone insane. The Propaganda Council, which has taken emergency control of all news stations, believes that there is in fact an epidemic of insanity. First our beloved Primary Decision-Maker and now our own Thelma Bratwurst. Reports say that Ms. Bratwurst is attempting to air fictitious statements about our government."

Tim: "Zom, what is the climate over there."

Zom: "Well, Tim, you should ask our Wacky Weatherman Paul Frez [obnoxious fake laughter]. But seriously, it looks grim. The rebels are holding the entire staff of JBU hostage and asking for the release of Java Black from theasylum where he is getting the help he so desperately needs."

Tim: "Does it look like they'll get their demand?"

Zom: "No, Tim. They are stuck here in the center of the capitol and the sane members of the military have the area surrounded. The Grand Philosopher is declaring martial law in Coffee City for now... so that he can protect our freedoms."

Tim: "Well, thankfully we still have those. And now here's our Wacky Weatherman Paul Frez."

Loyalists Take Capitol
The JBU Skeptic Press
Friday, 2008 Feb 8
Jacob Felps
Staff Reporter

Coffee, DRJBM- The scene is rather jubilant this morning for a hodge-podge group of soldiers,professors, and private sector retail workers. The capitol city of Coffee has been taken over in the past few hours in a bloodless counter-coup.

Overnight the government of Grand Philosopher Damien Grout pushed legislation to cut down portions of the rain forest to begin mining for uranium. The work began just after midnight, but this morning when the people got wind of it, rioting and shenannigans broke out. Thousands of angry retail workers threw eggs at the capitol building and demanded that Grout come out to be hazed.

Soldiers under the command of Grout were ordered to fire upon civilians but they refused. "Man, these were my friends yesterday," said Private First Class Rob Jolan, "You can't expect me to kill them over a stupid coup." Colonel Kylie Reynolds put it differently: "[expletive deleted] him! Why doesn't he do the killing himself if he's so bad?!"

The now unified Javanese military used the opportunity of the riots to seize the capitol building. In the offensive, launched by General Theresa Beezlebrox, no one was killed. Unfortunately for the loyalists, Damien Grout escaped and is believed to be headed back to the DRJBM National Asylum where he is expected to take several government officials, including Primary Decision-Maker Java Black, hostage.

The forces did however capture Dr. Washington Apple of the Propaganda Council. Dr. Apple gave up the location of the asylum in return for not being locked in it for life once it was found. With General Beezlebrox in charge until the hopeful restoration of the Black government, the Government Agency Administration Department and the Propaganda Council were dissolved. Dr. Apple's new job will be Undersecretary of Litter Box Sanitation.

General Beezlebrox is optimistic that the asylum will be taken within hours. But she does worry that a desperate Grout may do harm to the nation's Primary Decision-Maker. "It's not like Mr. Black does all that much," she told us, "but he's a really popular leader and the country might flip out if he is killed. We can only hope Grout understands that the only way he can survive is if Java Black is restored to power. He needs to put his self interest ahead of any spite he might have."

At any rate, it seems the reign of Damien Grout is at an end. And so far the only casualty has been a few acres of forest and the unfortunate Greater Javanese Fighting Fieldmouse. The poor creature is now extinct. And Java Black's first pressing question, if and when he is restored to power, is what we're supposed to do with a bunch of uranium.

Transcript from "All Stuff Considered"
2008 Feb 8
Madness Public Radio

George: "This is George Brothel with 'All Stuff Considered' on Coffee Radio. Coffee Radio is your MPR news station and it can't continue without support of listeners, so for the love of God please send us a donation. Our guest today is Dr. Washington Apple, the former head of the former Propaganda Council. Good morning, Dr. Apple. I understand you are betraying your former superior Daimen Grout"

Apple: "I prefer to think of myself as a whistleblower."

George: "Interesting. So you are helping the military to locate your ex-superior. Of course this is all due to a major turn in events prompted by rioting due to the cutting doown of rain forests in the very early morning hours. What's you're take?"

Apple: "Well, we were hoping to cut down the forests real quick overnight so that no one would notice. But these children were playing hide and seek. They wandered off trying to find their dog, a cocker spaniel I think. And they stumbled upon the deforestation work as it was near completion. Then they ran home and told their parents... and they weren't too pleased."

George: "Hmmm... Well what was this deforestation all about in the first place? Sounds like a risky maneuver."

Apple: "The goal of Mr. Grout, which I no longer share, was to improve our economy and strength in the region, and he thought that would require going against what the people wanted. So he formed the GAAD, snuck it into the bloated government structure, took control, shifted the universities toward more pragmatic classes, distracted the Primary Decision-Maker with a pointless UN conflict, and ultimately siezed power. He figured it was best for the nation."

George: "Sounds like quite a devious plan."

Apple: "Yes... And we would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those snooping kids and that dumb dog.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have litter boxes to clean."

George: "Okay. That was Washington Apple, our new Undersecretary of Litter Box Sanitation. Later on we'll be talking to Professor Jag Panzer on the ecological problems stemming from the extinction of the Fighting Fieldmouse. But first MPR is brought to you by the support of the following public institutions..."

Java Black Restored to Power in DRJBM
The World Monitor
2008 Feb 8
Jeff Cramley, Editorial Writer

It appears the tiny nation of Java Black's Madness has restored its elected leader to power. After a skirmish in the nation's asylum, also a hideout for Damien Grout, who held power for a short time under a military coup, led to a few hundred deaths. Most of the deaths were members of the government held hostage in the asylum, but some were soldiers loyal to Grout.
Grout himself was taken into captivity, but assassinated on the way back to the capitol city by a mad historian screaming "You destroyed my life!" The attacker was unarmed and merely knocked Grout out of the custody of the military escorts and tore out his intestines while the shocked onlookers just said "Calm down, man."

So democracy is restored, but is that a good thing. Java Black, the country's founder and leader, has given us an indication of where this is going in his treatment of Grout's assassin Jimmy Bagel. "He was just out of his mind after a bad day," says the country's liberal leader, "We're just going to let him cool down and retrain him as a geologist since he's better at that anyway... Plus we have all this uranium now to deal with."

It's our opinion that this man is truly insane and that Grout was correct in locking the man in an asylum. Grout was going to set the country back in the direction it should be headed in as a developing nation. He would grow its economy by the selling of materials used to create nuclear weapons, strengthen the military, and increase police control over the unruly citizens who lack political seriousness. He was cutting down the size of the bloated government, currently the nation's largest employer.

Now this country is happy because it has back it's crazed quasi-ruler whose lack of attention led to the coup in the first place. For all the government those people have, they have no rule of law. But sheepishly they continue to fight for bizarre and unimportant rights, they enjoy their welfare state and pointless societal overeducation. And meanwhile their leader continues to support hair-brained ideas for improving the economy that almost always involve expanding the government.

Some other commentators seem to think that it's good because the government is back in the people's control, and the people who are possibly too politically active for their own good are happy with this. These idiots are of course at odds with what leading economists say and they should understand that, despite their accuracy being like that of weathermen, economists are always right. And ultimately economics is more important than happiness. If no one is very rich, how can anyone truly be happy?

But they say we get the government we deserve... and anyone looking at this tiny island nation will note that Java Black is not the only crazy one. Perhaps if they had more people like Damien Grout, we'd see more progress. May he rest in peace.

State of the Island Address
Java Black
Primary Person in Charge of Decision-Making
The Democratic Republic of Java Black's Madness

"People of the Madness,

It brings me great joy to report that accountable democracy has returned to our island nation."
[applause]

"It's sad that so many died on this day, including my dear friend Philosopher Jirmafobe, who was murdered by our captors. I even have some regrets that poor, misguided Philosopher Grout died in such a horrible... andpretty tacky... way.

But let's look toward the future. The first issue I have to address is a revamping of our education system. Our universities do a great job of educating our people. But the corrupting influence of the GAAD has changed them from institutions of learning to institutions of indoctrination. But perhaps not all was bad. We look forward to incorporating economics and strategy courses into our system. And we can use the learnings on propaganda and international trouble-making to teach our population how to resist and fight these evils."
[applause]

"Also on the agenda... Sadly our parts of our forests have been destroyed. The endangered fighting fieldmouse is now extinct. And the feral kitty cat population is more concentrated in smaller areas and more dependent on table scraps. But lets just be glad they didn't destroy anymore than they did.

Now we are left with a dilemma. The deforested areas are rich with uranium. While we have no desire to use nuclear power on this island, and while we cannot lead ourselves to sell this material for the use of evil weapons of mass destruction... perhaps we can make deals with peaceful nations, nations who will use uranium for peaceful purposes and especially nations experimenting with nuclear fusion."
[applause]

"And... uhhh... I guess that's it."
[applause]

Elections to Replace Dead Government Philosophers
The JBU Skeptic
2008 Feb 8
Lorne Smithins
Staff Reporter

Coffee, DRJBM Now that Java Black has been restored to power and the government is returning to order, there are supposedly going to be special elections scheduled later today for 387 posts that are vacant, allegedly due to the deaths at the National Asylum.

There are some races that look pretty obvious. Beck Brittle, the young cashier is certain NOT to win the seat of our Philosopher of Foreign Dealings. On the other hand, contraversially General Theresa Beezlebrox is a sure thing for the position of Philosopher of Law and Order. The general will be forced to resign from her military position if she wins, leaving our military in the hands of the less experienced General Powell Colin. But even more contraversial, she's advocating a socially conservative platform that will likely include harsher punishments for those involved in the killings of hostages at National Asylum.

"The general is friendly with Mr. Black," says her campaign manager Lack Plezentreez, "but she respectfully disagrees with his rather lapse rule of law on the island." Lionel Baker, General Beezlebrox's opponent is showing signs of frustration. "We all respect what the general has done for us," he says, "but her ideals are not the ideals of this country. People are voting for her simply out of an understandable gratefulness for her inspiring leadership. They aren't taking the usualy time they take to looking at where she stands on the issues. And the media are grossly incompetent."

Mr. Black himself will not be up for reelection today, but will be on next week's ballot. Of course he is expected to be uncontested as normal, so we're not going to bother with that story unless it's a slow news day.

Death Penalty Shocks Nation!
The JBU Progressive Outcry
2008 Feb 11
Gabe Smarts, Editor in Chief

The results of Friday's election are mixed and chaotic, just like we like them. But there is one big shock that really gets my gord. Newly elected Philosopher of Law and Order, General Theresa Beezlebrox, has instituted the death penalty for traitorous offenses.

When I heard this I headed straight up to her office. I said to her "General, according to your statements during the coup, you were going to treat these people humanely. What gives?" More a politician than anyone imagined, she tells me that "The prisoners will be treated humanely up until their executions and they will die the same way as those who opt for euthanesia. It's like going to sleep."

Fascist! Fomr there I went to the office of our Primary Decision-Maker to ask why he's done nothing to stop this. He gives me this "unconstitutional" crap, that he can't stop it because he doesn't have that power. But what he has done is pardoned every person so far who has been sentenced to death. This has peeved the general of course, but the message is getting across.

Still it's a band-aid. The law is still there and just because our current leader won't follow through with it doesn't mean it's going away. I see fascism conquering our country for a second time in the next two years.

Sense Comes to Madness Politics
The Coffee City Business Press
11 Feb 2008
John Bigboote, CEO of Coffee City Business Enterprises

While the population continues their predictable outrage over the death penalty, while the liberals applaud the proposals to offer more civil liberties to add to their impressive list, the media in this country are ignoring a rare incident of something gone right.

Java Black has, on the recommendation of Business Philosophers at Java Black University, okayed the down-sizing of the nation's gigantic Business Regulation Department. Finally people will be able to make money here... and we might just see some development to our pathetic economy. Mr. Black is hoping that throwing an occasional cookie to the bourgesie of the island might cut the kinds of tensions that led up to last week's coup.

But whatever the leader's flippant attitude, we should see changes far more significant than those caused by allowing citizens to wander around naked or smoke grass or whatever. We are bound to attract attention from foreign investment. Thus far, multinational corporations have ignored our island (with the exception of LatteBucks, which could not ignore the widespread caffiene addiction) due to our unfriendly business policies. The Business Regulation Department has placed such bizarre barriers on investment such as the "Mandatory Option of 3-Martini Lunch" rule... which was not only expensive and inefficient but confusing (mandatory option?).

So while our leader might still be a goof, I take back at least some of the bad things I've said about him. He does a pretty good job with the nation's economy when he isn't trying to.

Interview With General Beezlebrox
11 Feb 2008
Channel 36 News

Thelma: "This is Thelma Bratwurst with Channel 36 News wher you hear it eventually, and I'm here with General Theresa Beezlebrox, newly elected Philosopher of Law and Order.
General Beezlebrox, your policy toward the convicted traitors of last week's coup seems to contradict what you said to me in an earlier broadcast about humane treatment. How can you expect the people of the country to take you seriously in the future?"

Gen B: "I don't see what's so inhumane about the death penalty if it's done in a painless manner. We allow the terminal to die by the same method if they wish to avoid suffering longer. Personally I'd much rather be put to sleep than live in the asylum for life."

Thelma: "But people who die of euthanesia do it of their own choice. They get to decide. With these traitors, you are deciding for them."

Gen B: "Look, Thelma, these people are dangerous. They murdered people on the word of a fascist dictator. They have shown a propensity to turn on the people of this nation when pressured by a person in power."

Thelma: "But many of the convicted soldiers have publicly apologized and offered to make up for their acts in any way they can, and some professors at JBU are saying that they were brainwashed and not in their right minds. Java Black himself has pardoned the two who have been convicted so far, maintaining that they are no longer a threat and should just be forced to work on the asylum for a year or two."

Gen B: "Mr. Black's incompetence is what allowed that coup to happen in the first place. The guy has way too much faith in humanity. I like the guy, but he's not fit to be a leader. I'm considering a run against him in this week's election. This nation needs to be in competent hands."

Thelma: "But Java Black has never lost an election. He is our revered founder. What makes you think you can outseat him?"

Gen B: "The people just need to be told what it is they have to fear with this lapse government. They need to get their priorities straight. This is a scary world and it's even scary here. We obviously shouldn't even be trusting each other as much as we do. Just leads to events like what happened last week."

Thelma: "Well there you have it. General Beezlebrox hoping to take the country in a new direction.
Our Wacky Weatherman is off sick today. So here's geologist Jimmy Bagel, recently pardoned from a death sentence, with the morning's weather report.

National Forests Destroyed in the Name of Business!
The JBU Progressive Outcry
11 Feb 2008
"Perky" Konan, Culture Analyst

In his foolish pandering to the business sector, Java Black has doomed our nation's forests. The feral kitty cat's natural environment is in ruins and now most of them have become domesticated or alleycats. If there was any chance the fighting fieldmouse still had some survivors... it doesn't appear likely now.

The deregulation of our economy, resulting from the downsizing of the Business Regulation Department, has led to uranium mining companies to go hog wild and tear down large sections of our rain forests. Meanwhile 2000 good public sector jobs have been replaced with low-paying and dangerous private sector crap jobs.

The nation is headed down the wrong path following our recent coup. Java Black explains this pandering as a compromise to keep the business sector happy and prevent another coup. My sources say that Java Black is pandering because there is a massive change in the electorate and he faces stiff competition from General Beezlebrox in this week's election. Beezlebrox is seen as a reformer who will bring more free market policies to the nation, but there is no proof of this. So far she seems to be a social conservative with no real love of business.

But this week's campaign may be very telling as to the direction each of the candidates may take. Could it be the end for Java Black in the nation that bears his name? And will this fall come due to a change in the electorate... or due to his own self-fulfilling prophecy?

Java Black Falling Under Another Devious Influence
The Coffee City Business Press
11 Feb 2008
Jebediah Cuseff, Economics Expert

The usual incompetence in understanding free markets has been replaced with another, far more troubling one. While Primary Decision-Maker Black has been largely clueless about macroeconomics in the past, only now is this cluelessness reaching the point of grave danger.

While many who write in this paper will applaude Mr. Black's efforts, they are not looking at the wider picture. Mr. Black has appointed a Secretary of Business Matters to advise him on reforms to fix the island's massive economic problems. This paper has long advocated something like this, but we supported a board of advisors with differing interests, including a few liberals.

Mr. Black has appointed Mr. Ragweed Vaughn. Vaugn is a man who holds large numbers of shares in a few of the country's larger businesses, most notably Madness Motors. But he also holds a great deal of stake in Peaceful Uranium Sales, the company that took advantage of recent deregulation to destroy the country's chance at entering the tourist trade in order to build more mines. I expect all his advice will be similarly self-serving.

Ironically we'd be better off today if Mr. Black kept the Business Regulation Department in tact as an effective balance against Mr. Vaughn. But as it is, we now have an economically illiterate leader taking advice from a devious man. In Mr. Black's recent distrust for regulatory agencies (understandable given the circumstances with the GAAD last week), he has handed his trust over to a man that will stop at nothing for power.

Live Coverage of the Debates Concerning Elections for Primary Person in Charge of Decision-Making: Mr. Java Black (incumbent) v. General Theresa Beezlebrox
Channel 36
11 Feb 2008

Ted: "This is Ted Aggie with Channel 36's coverage of the debate between Primary Decision-Maker Java Black and General Theresa Beezlebrox. We'll be asking a series of questions to the two candidates over various policy issues to help y'all make a decision. By the way the election has been postponed till Friday."

Java: "Sorry. Had a dentist's appointment."

Ted: "The first question I'll direct to the general. General Beezlebrox, you charge the current leader with gross incompetence. Care to elaborate?"

Gen B: "Well, he's misinformed on the issues, he doesn't pay attention to what's going on in the country, and he makes decisions on a whim."

Java: "If I might address that, uhhh... None of these allegations are new. People have been saying these things all along. But people like me. And I usually get it right eventually."

Gen B: "But you don't contest any of these charges?"

Java: "I don't see any particular reason to. I'd rather concentrate on governance."

Gen B: "And just what is your plan?"

Java: "Hey! Ted's supposed to ask the questions!"

Ted: "OK. This one's aimed at you, Mr. Black. What is your plan for governance?"

Java: "[expletive deleted] ummm... Well, change, of course. We're going to change this screwed up system."

Gen B: "Change? But you're the guy who's been in power all along!"

Java: "Well... uhhhh... That just means I have the experience to get changes done and stuff!"

Gen B: "Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?"

Java: "Hey! That's not all I've got... uhhh... I stand for conservative values of this nation."

Gen B: "But you're a hardcore liberal!"

Java: "But this country is liberal so that means I'm for their conservative values of liberalism while you want liberal, no radical, reforms to conservatism!"

Gen B: "What? Then what's the the story with your recent pro-business reforms?"

Java: "Ted's asking the questions..."

Ted: "What is the story with your recent pro-business reforms?"

Java: "Ummmm... Well... oh yeah, those. Well, I just figured we ought to have a better economy and... uhhh... these reforms appear to be helping. Of course I regret the screwing up of our forests and the fact that all the feral cats are becoming domestic or urban-dwelling... But we'll fix that later."

Gen B: "How will you fix that?!"

Java: "Objection, your honor."

Gen B: "What? This isn't-"

Ted: "Sustained."

Gen B: "Gaaaaaawd! You people are impossible. I won't take anymore of this monkey business!"

Java: "What kind of monkey business will you take? Can I offer you a good deal on a spider monkey?"

Ted: "I prefer chimps myself."

Gen B: "That's it. I won't be part of this charade any longer. We'll just see what happens this Friday."

Java: "Well I was figuring we could hang out for a while at LatteBucks and have an espresso and then go to the zoo and then-"

Gen B: "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!!!"

Ted: "I think that about wraps it up."

Theresa Beezlebrox Campaign Commercial

[black screen]
[A man's deep voice fades in]
"How much longer can you afford more of the same?"

[a black and white image of the forests being torn down]
"Will it take a blight on the landscape to make you regret?"

[a black and white portrait of Damien Grout with a particularly mean smirk]
"How about a brief time of lost stability?"

[an image of a mushroom cloud]
"Or will it take the end of the world as you know it?"

[screen goes black. White letters fade in: "General Theresa Beezlebrox for Primary Decision-Maker... Protect Your Future."

Historical Election Scheduled in the DRJBM
The World News Monitor
12 Feb 2008
Josiah Melonlumps, Human Rights Reporter

For years this paper and many human rights organizations accused the nation of Java Black's Madness of holding charade elections. As it turns out, the current executive Mr. Java Black is just very popular. And it seems to extend beyond mere charisma. The people of this strange island actually approve of Mr. Black's chaotic style of governance.

The "primary person in charge of decision-making" is far from omnipotent. He has not only a congress, senate, and court to deal with, but a bizarre and convoluted bureaucracy led by elected "philosophers". Mr. Black can appoint secretaries, but their main tasks seem to be answering phones and making coffee. Occasionally one gets his ear, like the Secretary of Business Matters. And this is where the Java Black administration may have made its tragic flaw.

No one expected his opponent, an ex-military woman and current bureaucrat named Theresa Beezlebrox, to present a challenge. But Mr.s Black's paranoid pro-business actions, following the defeat of an ugly coup, are angering the population. The nations forests are being destroyed, putting the state animal on the "endangered" species list (actually the "feral" kitty cats are doing well, but since they now live in the cities they are not considered "feral"- endangered by technicality apparently). And the most recent action was a tax increase to jump-start Madness Motors. It seems the Business Matters Secretary has interests there. And the people usually don't mind tax hikes, but they prefer them to go toward creating high-prestige government jobs... not boosting the private sector.

As a result Beezlebrox is leading in polls 28% to 15%. Of course it's hard to tell as traditionally half of all the nation's people claim to be undecided in order to sound more intelligent. Her mushroom cloud commercial has reaffirmed doubts in Mr. Black's governance.

Perhaps we're seeing an end to the reign of Java Black's Madness... and moving on to a whole other kind of madness.

Java Black Campaign Commercial

[Java Black is sitting on a chair in front of a well-decorated hearth]

"Hello, my fellow Madnessinians.
A lot of nasty stuff has been said about me as of late. And I think some of it is just kind of unfair.
I didn't sell out the rain forests and some taxes to big corporations... I... uhhhh... sort of accidentally gave them away.
But I learned my lesson... and I fired my Business Matters Secretary. Of course we're still contracted to pay Madness Motors... but... uh.... look on the bright side. We'll be producing great, energy-efficient cars and creating a lot of decent jobs to help... uhhh... decrease the gap between government and private sector employees.

Look, guys. We've been through a lot together. And it's not all bad.
And... uhhh... I think you guys would be throwing away a lot of good times if you vote for my opponent. She's kind of nice sometimes... but she's not a whole lot of fun.
Please! Please! Pleeeeeeease! I don't know how I'd deal with a private sector job after all this time! This is the only life I know! And I promise that there won't be any mushroom clouds!"

Java Black's Electability Problem
The JBU Skeptic Press
12 Feb 2008
Jilly Bennigans, Staff Reporter

Polls show Java Black slipping further into the red for Friday's heavily anticipated Primary Decision-Maker election. The results are seen by analysts as the result of rampant disapproval to the way Java Black has handled "economic liberalization" over the past few days.

Little is known about what the ex-general Theresa Beezlebrox would do differently, but she is heavily respected for her efforts in defeating fascist dictator Damien Grout and returning Mr. Black to power. Also her now famous "mushroom cloud" commercial has spoken to many of the country's greatest fears.

"I, like, don't wanna be nuked," says some girl we met at LatteBucks, "If we'll get nuked when Java Black is reelected... I don't want to see him elected." JBU psychologist Dr. Francis Scruam says that this kind of response will be common for the less educated retail workers in our nation.

To make things worse, Mr. Black's response advertisement featured him whining for his job in an attempt to look "more human". Unfortunately it worked. "He's so human," says some other lady at LatteBucks, "That sucks. I thought he was above human emotions. I feel so deceived." Dr. Scruam says this person was either insane or retarded.... but her vote still counts.

With Java Black representing the "old way" and Beezlebrox representing an undefined "new way", many are calling for a third choice (though strangely not necessarily a clearer one). That is where recently fired government secretary and millionaire investor Ragweed Vaugh comes in. Vaughn has pledged to join the race and has a lot of money to do so with.

Should be fun.

"Uncle" Ragweed Vaugn's Campaign Commercial

["Uncle" Ragwood stands humbly in front of a sober background, resembling an average home]

"Fellow Madnessinians, I feel your pain. This nation needs desperate reforms and the current administration is incompetent to handle it.
The opposition, a lesser evil perhaps, is from the same fray. How can we trust a military woman who believes in harsh treatment of dissidents to represent this nation to the world.
I have a plan. We'll get through this together with policies that will boost both the public and private sectors. Everyone will be able to drive a car. We'll create thousands of jobs in mining.
We'll do this together, folks.
I would like to thank you for your support... and so would my children."
[enter two small kids that don't really look much like Ragweed except for the forced smile]

Trouble in the Auto Industry Could Mean the End for Java Black
The Coffee City Business News
12 Feb 2008
Pauline Frankly, Staff Reporter

One of the many perils facing Java Black in his reelection campaign is that his recently okayed subsidies to Madness Motors appear to be in vain. Sales are not improving and the entire sector could just go bust.

Political opponent Ragweed Vaughn, a major shareholder in MM, is promising to save the sector using "free market methods." Of course we involved with this paper know that this means union-busting and revoking the minimum wage laws. But most of the population just think it sounds good without knowing what it is. This paper, obviously, as well as the Chamber of Commerce, endorses Mr. Vaugn.

Theresa Beezlebrox has called Vaughn out on just that and gained the endorsements of most of the nation's unions. This leaves our incumbent Decision-Maker in a rough spot without any friends.

"He seemed really down," says a Java Black aide, "I asked him how he will deal with the situation and he just responded with 'I don't know. I can't do anything right. Maybe I'll just die. That'll fix everything'... And then he passed out in a drunken slumber." Two potential bills meanwhile sit on his desk awaiting a signature before tomorrow. Things don't look good for that.

The remaining candidates have much to gain from these economic troubles. There is a growing polarization between the socialist left and the free market right, and at this point it's hard to tell where things will go. Vaughn is paying off officials not to enforce laws keeping employers from making workers work 24-hour shifts on election day... and with the Decision-Maker in a drunken stupor, this is good news for supporters of economic rights.

Truly a new day for this nation.

The Three-Way Primary Decision-Maker Debate
Channel 36 News

Thelma: "This is Thelma Bratwurst here live, hosting the debate between General Theresa Beezlebrox, Mr. Ragweed Vaughn, and... uhhhh... Mr. Black, are you okay?"

Java [taking a swig from some bottle in a brown paper bag before speaking]: "Oh I'm fine. Great. Aside from the big, gaping, black wound in my heart, I'm [expletive deleted] wonderful! Oh, I'm sorry, Thelma... I'm sorry."

Thelma: "Ummmm... That's OK. Well, let's cut to the chase. My first question goes to General Beezlebrox. We know of your disdain for Mr. Black's leadership. What seperates you from Mr. Vaughn?"

Gen B: "My disdain for Mr. Black is purely related to policy. My disdain for this [expleetive deleted] goes right down to the very core of his being! This man was the very one who convinced our naive leader to give away a huge subsidy to a business that can't even stay afloat."

Thelma: "Is this true?"

Java: "I don't know. Do you think I'm naive, Thelma?"

Thelma: "I was talking to Mr. Vaughn."

Vaughn: "Look, Thelma. Mr. Black's incompetence is the reason all of this went under. He didn't adopt all of the plans I suggested, just a part. He is far too lily-livered to do what really needs to be done to fix this economy."

Gen B: "Went under indeed... As I understand it this recent trouble helped you to gain a controlling share in Madness Motors."

Vaughn: "That is what seperates a winner from a loser, Ms. Beezlebrox. A winner takes advantage of bad times as well as good. That's why we need more deregulation and free market reforms."

Gen B: "You mean lower standard of living for workers and increased profits for you, even if it means unfair subsidies and tax breaks."

Vaughn: "No. I said free market and deregulation. Don't those sound like good things to you? I guess not, Ms. Silver Lining. The people who fail to achieve a decent standard of living are fools. I'm not fraid to say it. I'm sure the average professor or philosopher is educated enough to find great opportunities in a free market... but not these pigs that work the lowly jobs. If they had brains, they'd owwn their own multi-national corporations."

Thelma: "You do realize your mic is on?"

Vaughn: "Who cares? These idiots most likely won't even show up to vote on Friday." [evil smirk]

Gen B: "How can you speak that way of good, hard-working people?"

Vaughn: "The same way I'd talk of you. You just feel sorry for them because you'd never have made it in the free market. You get all your false pride from a government hand-me-down job that required no education, just a gun."

Gen B: "I see you have no respect for our armed services who defend this country."

Vaughn: "I most certainly respect them. Those who aren't so full of themselves anyway. I actually plan to extend the armed services to protect interests abroad and spread free trade. This will create opportunities for the useless uemployed to make something of themselves as well as improve our economy."

Gen B: "So you want to start wars over trade and resources? You want to risk our soldiers' lives for profits?"

Vaughn: "No... I said free trade and interests abroad. You are so gloomy."

Thelma: "Speaking of gloomy... Mr. Black... Anything to add."

Java: "I add nothing to this world. Nobody likes me anymore." [breaks down in tears and sob]

Thelma: ugh... Let's cut to a commercial.

Violent Showdown Between Union and Auto Management Security
The JBU Progressive Outcry
13 Feb 2008
Julio Zoiks, Union Steward and Contributor

Ever since Ragweed Vaughn entered the election, the Department of Labor Disputes and Contract Enforcement has been incompetent in controlling an emboldened private sector. Many MM employees have been laid off, while others have been working ridiculously long shifts without overtime pay. The managers are confident that Vaughn will win the election and dissolve the unions and the Department of Labor (after he gives the bribed government philosophers cushy executive jobs). Meanwhile Java Black is too busy feeling sorry for himself to put any pressure on the management or the Department of Labor.

With management threatening an all-day shift with no breaks for Friday (election day), there was no choice but to go on strike. Thousands of auto workers stood in solidarity to force the management into concession. But before one hour had passed, the streets were flooded with security forces armed with tear gas, firehoses, and batons. This happened at every major plant. Hundreds of workers were wounded and laid off due to their inability to work. The strike broke within two hours. Workers would not stand together in the face of such violence.

The actions of the company were illegal and Java Black, who has stood up for the people time and time again, is drunk and moping instead of helping us out. We can't count on him anymore. The Union is now placing its endorsement behind General Beezlebrox. Unfortunately she is far too confrontational and we'll likely see an increase in incidents like this with her in power, but at least she'll have the gall to back us up.

If I weren't so manly I'd almost cry. I never thought I'd see the day that Java Black would leave us hanging.

Entrepreneur Will Fences Endorses Java Black!
Coffee City Business News
13 Feb 2008
Yosef McGillicutty, Technology Reporter

DISCLAIMER: Mr. McGillicutty's views are not those of Coffee City Business News. This paper endorses Ragweed Vaughn, the only candidate that really knows politics. But since we're fair and balanced, we will not censor this idiot's communist views.

Java Black has been blasted lately for his economic incompetence. The media have smacked him around so hard that he's now staying locked in his office with a stocked liquor cabinet waiting to die. But why aren't they noticing what the guy's done RIGHT?

By not responding to the bills sent by congress yesterday, Java Black unwittingly failed to renew any tariffs. While this was a big blow to Madness Motors and has upset both the union and the management... Will Fences, billionaire founder of MacroComp has enjoyed a huge bump. Apparently the ease of tariffs has enabled the computer giant to outsource some of its blue collar work to other countries, while creating several new white collar positions. The blue collar workers laid off are receiving great severence packages and finding new jobs in the retail sector due to the increased demand triggered by MacroComp's new office opening in Rollaway Village Square.

Mr. Fences endorses Black for not only his relaxing of unnecessary protectionism, but of his constant backing of education as a number one priority in the DRJBM. "This nation is well on its way to joining some of the world's largest and most developed economy thanks to Mr. Black's forethought," says Fences.

Of course those of us who know Java Black realize that it was probably just an accident that Java Black improved our economy once again. But he has a good record of that. And at least we know, as Will Fences states in his blog, that Mr. Black is not involved in any conspiracies against the country.

Get with it, Java Black. This country needs you!

Exclusive Interview with Java Black
Channel 36 News

Thelma: "This is Thelma Bratwurst and I'm here for an exclusive interview with Primary Decision-Maker Java Black. Mr. Black is currently behind in the polls and doesn't seem to be doing much about it."

Java: "I told you I'd only let you in if you didn't remind me."

Thelma: "Oh! Sorry. Mr. Black, people are saying that you've locked yourself in this office for the past day and have no intentions to come out until after Friday's election."

Java: "When I go to live in the ruins of the national asylum, a hermit."

Thelma: "Ummmm... yeah... but I guess what's on the people's minds is... why?"

Java: "I'm all washed up. I've served my purpose here, which was apparently to screw up the whole country. And I guess it's best if I just stay in here."

Thelma: "So you're conceding defeat?"

Java: "No... I just don't see any point..."

Thelma: "So you're dropping from the race?"

Java: "No... I don't even see the point of doing that. Let everyone see my humiliating defeat! Quantify it! Put it on the news! Wouldn't that make your day?! Oh.... I'm sorry, Thelma."

Thelma: "Well, I think the people were actually hoping that maybe you'd have some kind of a plan to compare to that of your opponents. That maybe there was some reason to still believe in Java Black."

Java: "I don't even believe in Java Black anymore. I'm just a figment of my imagination... But you still like me, don't you, Thelma?"

Thelma: "Well yes... And I think you need help. I think most of the people still like you... They just are worried that you're not in your right mind since the last poll results came out."

Java: "I wasn't in my right mind before that. I tried to fix the nation's economy and screwed that up."

Thelma: "Actually... overall the economy's better than it's ever been."

Java: "Oh, you're just saying that. Now if you don't mind, I have an appointment with Jack Daniels."

Thelma: "Okay... This has been an exclusive Channel 36 interview with our nation's leader... I don't think there's much else to say."

Managers at Madness Motors Killed by Frantic Union Workers
The Coffee City Review
13 Feb 2008
Kitty Carble, Staff Reporter

Three men are being held for the murder of two Madness Motors executives Samuel Pulk and Georgia Killians. The murder followed the standoff between The Madnessinian Auto Union and a brutal security force hired by the company. The men Hugh Frankly, Jiminey Lesterson, and Zappa Quadmire were intoxicated.

"We didn't intend to kill them," says Quadmire, an ex-military officer, "We were just gonna scare them." The murder apparently began as a prank, but became violent when the men were caught in the act.

The Primary Decision-Maker candidates were quick to jump in, all except Java Black who isn't picking up his phone. Ragweed Vaughn condemns the murders and claims "if Ms. Beezlebrox is truly a good leader, she will have these men executed as she wanted those traitors killed." He goes on to say that Killians and Pulk were kind and generous and always thought of their workers first.

General Beezlebrox hada different take. She first notes that the death penalty is not applicable as these men were not traitors. "Really they're not usually bad guys. I served with Zappa Quadmire. He's a gentle man, too much so for the service." Beezlebrox states that this would not have happened had Killians not authorized the illegal use of a violent security force to break a legal strike. Furthermore, without tact, she said that Killians and Pulk were selfish and greedy and were taking advantage of recent lapses in the Department of Labor to crush the will of the workers.

Riots have broken out near several plants as workers protest the incarceration of the three men and other groups have jumped in to call for the death penalty. The poll numbers for both candidates are jumping, the number of undecideds slowly dropping. Meanwhile Java Black is stuck at the bottom and both sides blame his recent failures for all of this.

"This just isn't who we are," cries Professor Kelly Belly from JBU Business School, "We were civilized people before this stupid election broke down." She now leads a group of students to protest democracy for all the instability this election has caused. "Let's just keep whoever the people pick this time so that we can go on being us," she says.

One can't help but think that our nation is heading toward a decline. We can only hope that Friday's election settles it. But the current polarization levels suggest that neither candidate will have the mandate Kelly Belly is hoping for.

Three-Way Debate Two
Channel 36 News

Thelma: "Hello, this is Thelma Bratwurst again with the second debate between Ragweed Vaughn, Theresa Beezlebrox, and Java Black. Today we will be allowing audience members to ask questions. You, sir, in the blue shirt."

Guy: "My question is addressed to all the candidates. I want to know what each of you propose to do in reaction to the murder of Georgia Killians and the current climate of violence and unrest."

Java: There was a murder? Violence? What the-"

Vaughn: "Well, I think this government has been too soft and an example must be made of those who would kill successful businesspeople because of their anger over silly things like lay-offs and long work hours. Death penalty must be extended to all murderers"

Java: "Lay-offs? What the-"

Gen B: "This was a second degree murder by three normally decent people. And this problem was entirely the result of management pushing workers too far. Killians killed herself."

Java: "Well that's a bit much. They-"

Vaughn: "It was Mr. Black who saw fit to allow these recent moves by Madness Motors. I'm under the impression he has shifted direction as I've yet to see the Department of Labor do anything. And yet he doesn't have the will to totally crush these unions, these vile and dangerous organizations."

Java: "Now hold on a min-"

Gen B: "Unions are not dangerous! Slave labor is!"

Vaughn: "You're dangerous!"

Java: "Everybody shut up or I'll show you real danger!"

[silence and shocked looks]

Java: "Now what is with you people? All of you? Economic problems are no reason to kill anyone. I'm sure we don't ned to execute the culprits but they need to be held responsible in some way. God, you people are all acting like animals! It's like you've never had an election before!"

Vaughn: "Is this the kind of condescending-"

Java: "Oh shut up. It's not like I have anything to lose here. Might as well say what I think. We've seen what doing what everyone wants me to do gets. I tried to fix the economy and BOOM! Everyone hates me... even though the economy is overall better than ever. [winks at Thelma]
I'm curious though... What is this about the Department of Labor not doing its job?"

[A man in an expensive suit stands up in the audience]

Fences: "Mr. Black, since you are in the mood to talk tonight perhaps you'll give me an answer. I'm Will Fences, president of MacroComp. I'm the only major figure endorsing you."

Java: "I have an endorsement?"

Fences: "Yes, we at MacroComp are indebted to you for cutting off tariffs and paving the way for our company to become a world force. But you see, now our workers are demanding more pay and threatening to strike."

Java: "And?"

Fences: "We need you to pass the bill that will allow companies to dissolve unions and void contracts. Otherwise we just might not be as profitable."

Java: "So you want the government to forcably break down voluntary organizations of workers so that you can make them work for less than they demand?"

Fences: "Well... I suppose."

Java: "Did you sign the union's contract?"

Fences: "Yes."

Java: "Would you be able to replace all the workers if they left and maintain efficiency?"

Fences: "No"

Java: "Well then... Looks like you better give them raises."

Fences: "I will have to give my endorsement over to Mr. Vaughn."

Java: "Ooh. Scary. I'm losing anyway! And what does your endorsement matter? To your workers? I bet Vaughn's not getting your votes."

Fences: "But you see. the workers won't get to the ballot boxes. Your Department of Labor isn't enforcing the law. Someone is bribing them."

Vaughn: "I see what you're trying to do, Fences! And... uhh... Your asking questions. Go on."

Java: "Bribery in our government? Philosopher Beezlebrox, it's up to you to see to it that these Department of Labor Philosophers enforce the law or pay the price."

Gen B: "Well, we haven't really seen evidence of bribery yet."

Java: "I'll see to this first thing in the morning. In the meantime... Nobody kill anybody!"

Thelma: "I think we should cut for a break now. My head's spinning."

Can This Be Right?
The JBU Skeptic Press
13 Feb 2008
Janice Goya, Political Reporter

Something has gone awry here. For most of this week, Java Black has been way down in the polls and down in the dumps. But apparently he had a small lead in the polls directly following tonight's debate, in which he sprang to life and chastised not only his opponents... but everyone.

And that's not the weird part. No sooner were those polls released than General Theresa Beezlebrox drops out of the race completely... And the shocker is that she's endorsing Ragweed Vaughn. I can't make this stuff up.

And to make things all the more interesting, Thelma Bratwurst, the reporter who hosted the debate, is missing. She was just on our TVs an hour ago. Where could she be? Conspiracy theorists are already cooking up a tale that Bratwurst stumbled upon evidence that Beezlebrox and Vaughn were involved in some dark meeting to forge an unholy alliance... Of course even the most imaginitive of them can't figure out what exactly would pull those two together.

But it does seem something is going on, as General Beezlebrox is refusing to investigate the rumored briberies in the Department of Labor until after the election. Meanwhile private sector companies are taking more than a few liberties in the treatment of their staffs without enforcement.

This is all building up toward a huge spread in the student organization Democracy No! Democracy No! is dedicated to ending elections in this nation, as all they lead to is chaos.

The morning's polls are likely to still show Java Black with a slim lead, but without private sector workers showing up at the ballot boxes on Friday, he is not likely to win. All I can say is that this is the most exciting election I have ever had the pleasure of reporting on.

Ragweed Vaughn Commercial Featuring Theresa Beezlebrox

[Theresa is in her general's uniform, looking sober and strong in front of the flag]

"A lot of people think Ragweed Vaughn is a heartless man. I once believed this as well. I fell into the trap of thinking that with all that money, he must be evil.

But the truth is that he just wants liberty for all people, whether workers or managers. The unions keep this from happening with their violent displays of anti-rich hatred."

[quick black and white shot of Georgia Killians, a rare one of her smiling]

"Java Black has been allowing these organizations to take advantage of everyone by forcing businesses to honor contracts made with them. Perhaps that's the idea you get when you spend so much time locked in your room drinking.

But to see a better nation we must stand together. I've put aside my differences with Mr. Vaughn. Why can't you?"

Huh?
The JBU Progressive Outcry
14 Feb 2008
"Puke" Callumpus, Intern and TV Critic

I find myself watching my shows the other night and what is it I see? A commercial with Theresa Beezlebrox backing that [expletive deleted] Vaughn! So I thinks to myslef that I must be in another world, right? Sick! Sick! Sick!

Last I knew, Theresa was into doing what's right for the common man. She seems to have sold out big time. What would make a chick like her kneel down to The Man? Devious plot? Not Theresa. Java Black must just be that useless.

So I think I'm at that point where I'm gonna advocate staying home on election day. And while your at it flip on Channel 43 and check out that "Scum Hunter" show. It's a riot, with all the guns and car chases and [expletive deleted]! [expletive deleted] the news!

Urgent!
Posted in Thelma Bratwurst's Blog (Hot News Lady With News)
14 Feb 2008

[Thelma is facing a camera in some poorly lit room]
"If anyone is out there, I need you to get this message forwarded to anyone you can. Channel 36 will not air this, nor will any other station because Ragweed Vaughn owns a lot of stock in all of them.
Thankfully when my captors locked me in a cell they stupidly made it a cell with a laptop... and they didn't confiscate my flashdrive. The following voice recording is from behind closed doors following the last Primary Decision-Maker Election Debate. The voices are candidates Vaughn and Beezlebrox."

[cuts to black screen. Voices fade in]

Vaughn: "Well looks like someone got his morning caffiene today. Looks like this campaign might be harder than we thought."

Gen B: "Cut the [expletive deleted], Vaughn. Why did you drag me in here?"

Vaughn: "Just what I said. This contest is going to be hard. I think one of us should drop out."

Gen B: "Uhhhh... Sure... But it's not going to be me. Java Black is incompetent, but you're evil. I can't allow you to slime your way into the highest office in the land."

Vaughn: "Evil? Such a harsh word... Am I evil just because I'm rich?"

Gen B: "Not at all. Will Fences is richer than you and he's alright. And actually it's more accurate to ay that you're rich because you're evil."

Vaughn: "Do yourself a favor and never mention that man's name again... and I think clever is a better word."

Gen B: "Enough. What bribe are you proposing for me to drop, Vaughn? Get it over with so I can reject it."

Vaughn: "Proposal... That's the word. I want you to marry me, Theresa, and share in my empire. We can make peace between the workers and the rich... or better yet pit them against one another even more so that we can keep our control.

Gen B: "I'd rather marry Damien Grout. He was at least a straight-forward fascist. And I'd rather marry him now that he's dead even. At least then I'll smell corpse and not your [expletive deleted]."

Vaughn: "But I could provide for your ailing sister and your lovely niece. Do you think you can provide for them on what you have?"

Gen B: "I get by. They survive. I'm losing my patience."

Vaughn: "You miss my point. I truly provide. I own a controlling share of the hospital your dear sister resides at. I have friends in the school board of your niece's school. Education is so precious... Life is so precious. And they're both so fragile. I provide them. I can take them away also."

Gen B: "You [expletive deleted]! I'd have you tried as a traitor if..."

Vaughn: "If you could prove anything. If I couldn't buy off your department like the Labor Department. If you didn't know in your heart that your lovely family might not survive such a costly trial against me."

Gen B: "OK... I'll drop."

Vaughn: "Good! We shall have our wedding soon after... Oh! And I'll need you to-"

Gen B: "Endorse you against Java Black... I'll get on it... Is suicide an option?"

Vaughn: "Well, you are more valuable alive... and if you were dead I just couldn't see spending what we do to keep your sis-"

Gen B: "Got it... but for the record, I hate you. Watch your back."

Vaughn: "Always."

[cuts back to Thelma in her cell]

"I don't know where I am... but it's important that if you see this blog entry, you forward this recording to everyone before they catch on and delete this."

_______________________________________________________

On a sidenote, no one really reads her blog... so the message didn't really get out.

Department of Labor Calls the Election by Default
The Coffee City Business News
14 Feb 2008
Yosef McGillicutty, was Technology Reporter at time of writing... now laid off

DISCLAIMER: The ignorant views of Mr. Mcgillicutty are most certainly still not those of this paper. We encourage you to disregard them. But for those who insist on reading filth, we have taken this as another opportunity to show just how fair and balanced we are. Since this article revealed him to be clearly insane, we have dropped him from our paper so you need not worry about this happening again.

The polls currently show incumbent Java Black in a major comeback, capturing 56% of the popular vote. Unfortunately for Mr. Black, his make-or-break support comes from unions and private sector, low wage workers. The public sector class seems divided between loyalty to Madnessinian principles and the possibility of fuller pockets through bribery in a Vaughn administration.

The problem is that the Department of Labor is not enforcing the laws that keep employers, who are largely behind Vaughn, from following labor standards. The employers plan to work their staff through the election hours non-stop and without enforcement of the law, it will most likely happen.

Of course not enforcing the law is against the law. But if the Department of Law and Order doesn't enforce the enforcers... nothing happens. General Beezlebrox, who shockingly supports Vaughn after her surprising drop-out, refuses to enforce the law. She cites higher priorities such as election security and a sudden fixation on juvenile delinquency.

It doesn't take a wild mind to figure out that the former-military woman is attempting to rig the election in favor of whatever dark alliance she is in with Vaughn. But who can enforce the enforcers when they won't enforce the enforcement of the... oh, you know what I mean.

It appears we are headed for a terrible time in Madnessinian history. For years I've hoped for a business-savvy person to replace Mr. Black, preferably in a respectable manner... but not a businessman who seeks to use the office only as a way to empower himself and his cronies. Corruption has been rampant for years in our nation, but never before has it been so organized. Mr. Black's disorderliness, as much as I've resented it in the past, has saved us from that.

Until now.

Java Black's "It's On You" Commercial

[Java's sitting in his office, looking mildly preturbed]

"My fellow Madnessinians...
What's wrong with you people?
I could see why my recent actions might lead you to vote against me even if it means writing in votes for my cat Azag-Thoth but are you really going to vote for this scumbag Vaughn?

This guy should be doing time for bribery but since he's somehow paid off one of the few people I thought I could really trust, it seems a higher priority to go after the parents of young graffiti artists...

But as much as I hate to repromand people for being worried about their jobs, this stuff about keeping you guys at work and away from the ballots... You're going to have to put up with a lot more of that if Vaughn gets elected.

And as for you, my fellow educated people with cushy jobs... Really, if you vote for this guy in hopes that this corruption will somehow benefit you... well... uhhh...

It's on you."

AM News Roundup
15 Feb 2008
Madness Public Radio

"I'm Benazir Bertolli with MPR news. Today's election is expeceted to yield a new Primary Decision-Maker as incumbent Java Black's base is currently being forced to work through all the election hours. Meanwhile many of Black's usual allies like students and professors are joining with the anti-election organization Democracy No! They are not expected to be voting either. This will be record low turnout for the DRJBM.

Meanwhile, Secretary of UN Voting Nicole Paramount will be voting for the UN resolution to protect orphans. This is especially important to the country as Philosopher of Law and Order Theresa Beezlebrox is beginning a campaign against juvenile delinquency and has incarcerated a large number of parents.

The economy appears to be stagnant after a period of record growth. Economists suggest that the high tax rate is to blame. An official from Java Black's office said that no bill has been sent to lower the taxes and added 'Whddya wanna do?'.

The huge embassy built this week has only one floor in use so far. Various philosophers dealing with public affairs are attempting to figure out how to attract more attention from the international community.

This was your am news roundup. I'm Benazir Bertolli. Enjoy your commute."

Early Exit Polls Spell Trouble for the Black Administration
The JBU Skeptic Press
15 Feb 2008
Chavo Kilpatrick, Staff Reporter

Early exit polls are showing two major trends: first a disturbingly low vote count and second a significant lead by challenger Ragweed Vaughn. Vaughn leads by triple digits... That's right... 100% of the vote.

Of course trends show that Java Black's most ardent supporters tend to sleep in. But that doesn't explain all of it. A big part of it is that workers, a big Java Black bloc in this election, are illegally being forced to stay at work for the entire time the ballot booths are open. But why don't they go out and vote anyway?

Belinda Bludgeon, a factory worker, says "A lot of people I go to school with ask me why I don't go out to vote. They think it's just going to get worse for us if Vaughn gets elected, and maybe they're right... But I really don't want to lose this job and end up on welfare before I can finish school... And since Vaughn's going to win anyway there might not be welfare. Why don't they talk to those Democracy No! idiots?"

Of course she refers to the thriving student organization that is calling for an end to elections as they are allegedly troublesome and, counterintuituvely, a threat to freedom. Many liberal students and professors are rallying for the group and picketing the ballot boxes.

"Java Black is incompetent," says Jackalope Collins, a spokesman for the group, "He, like, couldn't fix our economy and stuff. And Mr. Vaughn is even worse. Looks to me like no one's worth voting for so we just shouldn't vote. And neither should you." Of course this opinion is not spreading much through the private sector employers or many corrupt government officials, major backers of Vaughn.

For an employer's insight, I went to see Will Fences, president of MacroComp. The enigmatic billionaire merely added to my questions rather than giving me answers. Mr. Fences was Java Black's only powerful endorsement until he switched over to back Ragweed Vaughn over the issue of anti-union legislation. "I had to put my foot down, ya know? I mean my company was probably going to give everyone a raise anyway but it's the principle. And I think you're selling Java Black too short. He's got some tricks left up his sleave. Vaughn hasn't bought off every government department yet." Mr. Fences gave a wink with this last comment. Fences makes his disdain for Vaughn very public. Vaughn has been attempting to buy out massive shares in MacroComp and Fences despises the candidate's attitude about workers. "He gives capitalism a bad name," says Fences, "It's no wonder people here fear it so much with idiots like Vaughn out there."

Well, if Java Black has any tricks up his sleave, he's yet to show them off. And the clock is ticking.

Department of Fairness in Elections Steps In
The JBU Progressive Outcry
15 Feb 2008
Jonathan "Che" Shostakovic, Activist and Contributer

Seems like things were going well for the fascists up till now. Corrupt employers were straight-jacketing their workers with the complacent approval of the corrupt bureaucrats, but as it turns out another group of bureaucrats (bribed or not) is stepping in to do what the others will not. Prosecute the white collar criminals for their wretched behavior? No. But it still works.

The Department of Fairness in Elections has developed the "Portable Ballot Box" program. The sizable staff and a few volunteers are carrying ballots to workplaces. There have been some clashes with private security forces and the Democracy No! protesters, but overall this has led to a tightening of the race. Java Black is now behind by only a slim margin.

Mr. Vaughn doesn't seem to be focusing on this development. His primary concern seems to be lobbying (and most likely bribing) to kill a bill expected to pass and hit Java Black's desk before the ballot boxes close. Why Mr. Vaughn is so adamantly opposed to the universal healthcare bill at this time is puzzling, as many of his base warm to the idea as it will save them money. He seems mostly worried about the health administration company he owns a large share in, which is strange because that is a small fraction of his total wealth. Another strange aspect to the bill is that while Theresa Beezlebrox publicly has no opinion on it and is backing Vaughn, she's putting a great deal of effort behind the scenes into seeing the bill through.

When Java Black was asked about the Department of Fairness in Elections' program he responded with, "Huh? Ummm... Well, that does sound like a good idea. Wish I'd thought of it."

Before Ballot Booths Close, Java Black Wins... By Default
The Coffee City Review
15 Feb 2008
Bellicose Jakins, Election Correspondent

Despite the efforts of the Department of Fairness in Elections, Java Black was still trailing by a bit in the polls, almost certain to lose his seat as Primary Decision-Maker. The security forces of the Madness Motors and other manufacturing companies kept the Department at bay and their workers at their posts.

The surprising occurrence that turned everything around was General Theresa Beezlebrox's sudden enthusiasm for investigating the corruption problems in the Department of Labor. No one is sure what led to the sudden change of heart, but it followed very closely behind Java Black's signing of a universal healthcare bill. Beezlebrox is reported to have been harassing Mr. Black until he got around to it.

To far less surprise all evidence in the corruption scandal points to Ragweed Vaughn, the leader in exit polls. A trial was held very quickly to beat the election and indeed Vaughn was found guilty and thus unable to continue on in the election. Of course Mr. Vaughn will not be serving any time as the judge was quite lenient and punished him with only a relatively small fine (we're assuming the bribe was much larger).

Java Black was quick to get straight to business, afraid of being labeled incompetent again. His new plan for a social security program for the elderly is drawing criticism for another expected increase in taxes. But that isn't likely to hurt Mr. Black's reputation, as citizens of this country vote on the allocation of taxes.

Of course that's not all he has to worry about. The anti-election Democracy No! organization is still a force in colleges. It's now using the Java Black win as a talking point to show how "your votes really don't count anyway." Also with Mr. Vaughn still on the loose and still rich, there is a strong likelihood that corruption will continue to be rampant. However Theresa Black has pledged to use all the power of her department to crush corruption.

Missing Reporter Found in an Empty Embassy Office, in Coma
The JBU Skeptic Press
15 Feb 2008
Fernando Puddleduck, Media Reporter

Channel 36 reporter Thelma Bratwurst was found today by soldiers sentrying the DRJBM Embassy Grounds, a 20-story building for housing enbassies from other nations (of course only one floor is in use). She was locked in an office room and unconscious.

Now she is in critical condition and the coma is believed to be caused by a combination of anxiety and malnutrition. How she wound up in the embassy office is unknown. She is expected to be suffering brain damage when she wakes up which may make questioning her utterly pointless.

Ms. Bratwurst has been a star reporter with Channel 36 since the network's inception. Channel 36 executives are praying for her recovery. Yes, even the athiests.

Primary Decision-Maker and Philosopher of Law and Order Spar Over the Fate of Union Murderers
The Coffee City Review
15 Feb 2008
Jem Corrs, Columnist

Now that the country knows who will be leading it for the next while, a piece of old business has been brought back. Hugh Frankly, Jiminey Lesterson, and Zappa Quadmire were involved in the murder of two Madness Motors executives earlier this week. The men have been free on bond and Philosopher Beezlebrox has advocated letting them off on the grounds that they were suffering under the stress of workplace mistreatment.

Java Black is calling for the three men to be put on trial and, if found guilty, do their time. He sympathizes with the men's troubles with work, but feels that they should be held responsible for losing control, especially Mr. Quadmire. The other two men were accomplices.

Ms. Beezlebrox served in the military with Quadmire and vouches that he is a respectable man who can be taken at his word, but has finally given in that he should be tried. The trial is expected to be a lengthy one with emotional outcry from both sides.

Coworkers of Georgia Killians, the primary target of the prank gone wrong were confused as to why she was singled out. Though she had a reputation for being hardnosed and a "slaveworker", she was against the company's decision to keep workers away from the ballot box. Also she was attempting to develop an equity share plan for workers.

It seems to me that, knowing this, if Zappa Quadmire is the honest man he is alleged to be, he should feel like quite a fool. He should throw himself on the mercy of the court. But his defense attorneys have other plans, it seems. They are claiming that Mrs. Killians targetted Quadmire with harassment of a sexual nature. Mrs. Killian's heart-broken husband says that's a load of hooey.

While Java Black might be on the side of justice in this case, he can do little without cooperation from the Philosopher of Law and Order. If she decides that the trial is too harsh or unjust she can have great sway in overriding it. It's easy to understand why Ms. Beezlebrox is apt to sympathize with her old military companion, but there comes a time when she must step back and let the hammer of justice fall as it will.

More Questions From the Union Murder Case
The JBU Skeptic Press
18 Feb 2008
Colloquial Stephens, Staff Reporter

The weekend brought us early insights into what promises to be the trial of the decade. Zappa Quadmire has claimed that the murder of Madness Motors executive Georgia Killians and her colleague was an accident. His co-defendants claim that while they were there for a practical joke, Quadmire's slaying of the executives was anything but funny... or accidental.

There are now two defense attorneys involved in this mess. Genesee Jolan is taking the case for Hugh Frankly and Jiminey Lesterson. For Zappa Quadmire, none other than the Philosopher of Law and Order Theresa Beezlebrox is on the case. "Obviously the two other men are just trying to avoid the manslaughter charges by pinning all the blame on my client," says Ms. Beezlebrox, "It's despicable that people would accuse a close friend of the most heinous crime to avoid negligible sentence."

She overlooks the fact that the prosecutor is not charging anyone with manslaughter. The charge is murder for all three defendants. There was an attempt to work out a plea bargain with Mr. Jolan's clients, but Ms. Beezlebrox saw to it that the judge ruled it out.

While the prosecutor's charges would seem to work most against Quadmire, Ms. Beezlebrox points out the disparity in records between the defendants. Lesterson and Frankly have a long history of mischief and misdemeanors, though no murder charges. Quadmire is an army veteran, a respected union steward, and an upstanding citizen.

Still the heads of the jury members must be spinning. Even Lesterson and Frankly do not agree on the nature of the alleged prank or the method of the cold blooded murder by their associates. When presented with this fact, both men give the same response: "Man, he was drunk. Don't listen to him."

The family of Georgia Killians seems rather ambivalent. "We just want it to be over and whoever did it to be taught a lesson," says her widow Hank Killians, "That's all Georgia would want." Unfortunately it doesn't look like this will be the case.

Miraculous Recovery! Reporter Awakes From Coma!
The Coffee City Review
18 Feb 2008
Miranda Vice, Society Reporter

After spending a better half of a week in a coma with expectations of never speaking or even thinking again, Channel 36 anchorwoman Thelma Bratwurst was revived this morning in the Coffee General Hospital. She is still being held in critical condition and will need to spend weeks in rehabilitation before returning to normal life. But the doctors have concluded that brain damage is minimal and she should be able to recover almost completely.

Unfortunately for police, her memory is not quite back and she isn't speaking well. They are looking to question her about the circumstances of her abduction and to see if she can identify her captor. She was found last Friday abandoned and starving in a vacant office in the embassy building. Checking the computer that was in the room, police found an interesting blog entry which they are not releasing to the public.

Channel 36 staff are ecstatic to see that their colleague will be returning. "Thelma was the best in the business," says Ted Aggie, who has been doing her job over the time of her absence, "And I really want her to come back and do this job. I look forward to having less responsibility once more." It's going to be a while before Ted gets his cushier job back, but at least now there is hope.

Obviously He Didn't Do It!
The JBU Progressive Outcry
18 Feb 2008
Jonathan "Che" Shostakovic, Activist and Contributer

Something fishy is definitely going on in the trial of Zappa Quadmire. A military veteran and a tough union steward... the establishment has good motive to see him destroyed. What's lacking is a motive for Quadmire to murder Georgia Killians.

The practical joke scenario seems plausible, but if that were the case why would his "accomplices" be trying to pin it all on him. Had they backed the story, the prosecutor would most certainly lower the charges. As it stands now, all three men could face sentencing for cold-blooded murder.

But more importantly why Georgia Killians? She was the one executive that actually seemed to care about the workers. Quadmire and her had a bittersweet business relationship. That's a lot better than his relationship to the other executives at Madness Motors.

I tell you there is something wrong with all this. Why did Quadmire's friends set him up? I can't explain it. But it just makes more sense than Quadmire committing a murder while innocent friends looked on. If they were so struck with awe and willing to rat him out, why didn't they do so sooner? This happened last week during the elections, and it was obviously all part of some plot to weaken the unions and eliminate the most friendly (if not personable) member of management.

Interview with Prosecutor Abe Phelpps
Channel 36 News
18 Feb 2008

Ted: "This is Ted Aggie with Channel 36 News where you hear it eventually. With me today is Abe Phelpps. He is the prosecuting attorney involved in the high profile case of the DRJBM versus Zappa Quadmire, Jiminey Lesterson, and Hugh Frankly. Mr. Phelpps, how soon do you think you'll have this case wrapped up?"

Phelpps: "I'm not sure really, Ted. It would be a lot easier to assess if all the defendants were on the same page. As it is I'm basically working three different cases for the same murder."

Ted: "Any telling whose story holds the most water?"

Phelpps: "Well I just can't believe the practical jokem story. Mrs. Killians and her associate were each stabbed multiple times in the chest. Mr. Quadmire has come out and said that he did the stabbing but was not aware the knife was real. He claims to have been intoxicated and to have believed he was scaring the executives with a fake knife. But the funny part is that he didn't go into this detail until after his attorney Ms. Beezlebrox asked him if that was the case."

Ted: "What of the other defendants' stories?"

Phelpps: "They claim more along the order of a run of the mill gag. Like dumping filthy water on them. They can't seem to keep consistent on just what the prank is. But the claim is that they were caught in the act and that's when Mr. Quadmire panicked and stabbed the victims. If their story is true then they were so intoxicated as to not be able to provide much actual help in the case."

Ted: "And you can't determine at this point which story is correct?"

Phelpps: "I'm not sure any of them are correct."

Ted: "Alright. Thank you, Mr. Phelpps.
Now for a word from our sponsors."

Recovering Reporter Names Abducter
The JBU Skeptic Press
19 Feb 2008
Belial McKracken, Investigative Reporter

Thelma Bratwurst, the Channel 36 reporter who is recovering from a coma in Coffee General Hospital, has pointed out the man she believes to be her abducter today. Police questioned Ms. Bratwurst as soon as she recovered sufficient speech capabilities. They showed her a list of suspects, including Mr. Ragweed Vaughn, the ex-political candidate believed by police to have the motive.

None of the suspects seemed to match with Ms. Bratwurst's memory. Had the TV not been on in the room, she would not have been able to point out her captor. Ms. Bratwurst believes her kidnapper to be none other than Zappa Quadmire, the defendant in the Georgia Killians murder case.

"I think she's delusional from the coma," says Mr. Quadmire's attorney and Philosopher of Law and Order, General Theresa Beezlebrox, "Sure he was out on bond but he had a very small window of time. And why? I don't see why Zappa would do it. If this blog entry the police are holding on to seems to implicate Vaughn, I'd imagine it to be contrary to my client's goals as a union steward. I'm starting to see a vast conspiracy against Mr. Quadmire."

Police also are baffled by this outcome. They describe the blog entry in question as a recorded conversation between General Beezlebrox and Ragweed Vaughn in which Vaughn blackmails Beezlebrox using his stock in the company caring for her ill sister as leverage. This explains why Ms. Beezlebrox quickly investigated Mr. Vaughn's bribery once the country passed a universal healthcare plan, but it does not explain why a union steward would take part in two major crimes that are seemingly against his own causes.

Zappa Quadmire has remained silent on the issue. Prosecutor Abe Phelpps is now claiming to wonder if maybe Theresa Beezlebrox is right and he is falling for a conspiracy against the defendant. "This is too weird," he says, "and I just can't see any of this getting wrapped up any time soon."

Tax Rate Approaches 50%
The Coffee City Business News
19 Feb 2008
January Figgtree, Columnist

Well despite the decisive election results in favor of change, we are stuck with several more weeks of Java Black. What do we get in return? Higher taxes.

While it's true the immediate result was a slight net decrease in the tax rate, we are seeing an increasingly anti-business climate. The tax cut was a cut to "special interests" which includes some military contractors and most of the subsidies to the auto industry. Furthermore Mr. Black is expected to sign a bill that will raise taxes to pay for the universal healthcare program set in action last week.

While the healthcare program does cut some of the costs for employers, this looks to me like a troubling omen of more taxes to support services and more tax cuts for important subsidies that keep the largest corporations competitive. This is precisely the reason why the business community largely backed Ragweed Vaughn and why, I believe, so many of the usual socialists and academics stayed away from the booths.

The excuse given for disenfranchising Mr. Vaughn's supporters? Corruption. Bribery. Hard-handed business moves to keep workers from reaching the booths. Well, if the workers really wanted to get out to vote they would risk their jobs to do so. And corruption? If the bloated government wasn't so corrupt, Mr. Vaughn could not have bribed them. He clearly did that just to show why he was needed so badly.

Of course the liberal media does not make that connection. It is fully convinced that Mr. Vaughn's last minute indictment was sufficient reason to let the incumbent win by default. If Mr. Vaughn was so bad, why wasn't he sentenced more harshly? Corruption and bribery I suppose... Oh the nerve.

Quadmire Assassinated After Revealing Confession
The JBU Skeptic Press
19 Feb 2008
Colloquial Stephens, Staff Reporter

Just as the Union Murder case comes to a startling end, a new mystery emerges. Today Zappa Quadmire confessed to his attorney and old army mate Theresa Beezlebrox that he did indeed murder Georgia Killians and kidnap Thelma Bratwurst.

The 39 year-old union steward was apparently tight on money and owed a lot of back child support. Under this circumstance he was commissioned to murder Georgia Killians and get Thelma Bratwurst out of the way for the intention of rigging last week's election in favor of Ragweed Vaughn.

Quadmire refused to diverge the name of the person or organization that hired him, noting only that it was a force to be reckoned with and that he was already in enough danger. It seems he was right. Despite being held in police custody, Quadmire was poisoned. Officers guarding Quadmire are being held for questioning.

Police are looking into Ragweed Vaughn as a likely suspect with Theresa Beezlebrox using her station as Philosopher of Law and Order to push the investigation through. Vaughn denies the accusation and police claim that he really did seem surprised.

Co-defendants Frankly and Lesterson were released after questioning. It is assumed they were invited along in an intoxicated state to provide Quadmire with a fall-back plan and scapegoats.

Despite his crimes, Mr. Quadmire will be remembered as a war hero and a strong voice for labor. The military will be honoring his service at his funeral. General Beezlebrox is not so content with that, stating tearfully that her old friend had disgraced the uniform.

More Proof That Our Leader is Insane
The Coffee City Business News
19 Feb 2008
John Bigboote, CEO of Coffee City Business Enterprises

As if his policies are not reason enough to think the man is insane, Primary Decision-Maker Java Black released today his answer to the events surrounding the trial of Zappa Quadmire, the murderer who was assassinated today. He claims that the murder and kidnapping done by Quadmire as well as his shooting was a conspiracy. A conspiracy, not simply a mad man who kills for joy finally brought to an end by a concerned citizen, but a conspiracy! And does he blame Ragweed Vaughn the way his associate Theresa Beezlebrox does? Well at least he doesn't do that.

Instead he is blaming the "Illuminati." Mr. Black released a statement today that this did not look like the work of his opponent Mr. Vaughn. It could only be the work of the infamous worldwide shadow government... the one that exists only in the minds of the loony.

"This was definitely the work of something really big, really organized," said Mr. Black, "They must have controlled Zappa Quadmire's brain. I am going to make tinfoil hats available to everyone as protection from this evil threat."

Well there you have it, folks. If you are in any way responsible for this man staying in power, you should feel silly now.

A Mafia in Our Nation?
The JBU Skeptic Press
19 Feb 2008
Chelsea Coax, Correspondent

The talk of the country today surrounds the mysterious assination of union steward Zappa Quadmire and the crimes he committed. The Department of Law and Order and many union workers are convinced Ragweed Vaughn, the corrupt ex-political candidate was behind it. The business community is fully convinced that the assassination was the work of vigilantes appalled by Quadmire's crimes, which were simply acts of malice and madness. Our Primary Decision-Maker blames an evil international shadow government that has the ability to control minds.

Is it possible Mr. Black was the closest to correct. Minus the mind-control, what he describes could very well be organized crime. Organized crime has not been a major problem in the country so far, but increasing government corruption goes beyond the bribery of only Ragweed Vaughn. And if gangsters are behind the crimes, we can expect that the collaborators and the blackmailed will remain silent to protect themselves.

The only problem is where we have room for a black market. Drugs are legal and so are most other "vices" that would create a suitable market. In general, usage is actually pretty low.

The answer is government itself. The government is so bloated that no one really knows what anyone else is doing. Transparency, as much as we seek to implement it, is evasive. The events during the last election should illustrate just how open our government is to corruption and just how much that can be useful for power-grabbing and control.

If such an organization exists here, it sees an obvious benefit to Java Black being replaced. After all, while Mr. Black is sometimes described as irresponsible and even crazy, he's definitely not corrupt. When he notices corruption, he does attempt to clean it up rather than looking the other way and accepting a pay-off.

Ragweed Vaughn has too much to lose if he were brought up on such charges as commissioning murder. He could not as likely buy his way out of that as bribery. But if he was supported by some shadier elements, it stands to reason that they might do so to ensure his success.

There has yet to arrive any evidence of such an organization, but we also lack evidence of any kind. Who had the motive to cheat on behalf of Ragweed Vaughn but not the fear of ruin if discovered? The best answer seems to be organized crime.

Soon to be First Madnessinians in Space
The Coffee City Business News
20 Feb 2008
Zaxon Monkery, Staff Reporter

The nation is about to initiate a space program, largely through subsidy from the private sector. This is Primary Decision-Maker Java Black's compromise with businessmen to help get beyond the bitterness of last week's election.

The first rocket will be sponsored by Madness Motors and MacroComp and its crew will consist of several professors of the sciences from Java Black University and celebrity guest Pierce Novella from the cult classic Night of the Killer Fieldmouse.

"I'm proud to be doing my country the service of leaving it for another part of the solar system," says Novella. And so are we, Pierce... So are we.

Ragweed Vaughn Held in Police Custody
The Coffee City Review
20 Feb 2008
Angel Hellfire, Current Events Reporter

Police took millionaire and ex-political candidate Ragweed Vaughn into custody today under direct orders from Philosopher of Law and Order Theresa Beezlebrox and under the unexpected disapproval of Primary Decision-Maker Java Black. Vaughn is suspected of hiring Zappa Quadmire for a recent assassination and kidnapping. Vaughn denies the charges.

"I might not be everyone's idea of a good guy," says Vaughn, "but I don't kill people. At least give me that much credit." Beezlebrox points to his earlier blackmail of her, using her ill sister's life as the leverage. "Look,"says Beezlebrox, "I never said I was above threatening life. I just wouldn't actually kill anybody. I'm a businessman."

Of course, police point out that he has not denied that he would hire someone to kill on his behalf. The evidence against Vaughn is scant but for the moment he is the primary suspect. Civil rights activists, including Java Black, say that Beezlebrox does not have enough evidence to hold him. She claims that if she does not hold Vaughn during the investigation he may flee to a neighboring country.

So far leads are not coming up. While Vaughn has the motive and the means for the crimes, he has no known connection to the assassin Zappa Quadmire. Police are not certain how much Quadmire was paid or how or when. And there don't seem to be any more repeat crimes.

"We need to wait for another opening," says Chelsea Coax,a freelance writer who suspects organized crime infiltrating the government, "The offenders will not offend again until they see an opportunity to consolidate power as they tried to do using Vaughn. I doubt they had any contact with Vaughn, at least not in any upfront manner. They're not going to buy a leader until after he takes power."

At any rate, it seems unlikely that Ragweed Vaughn will be seeing daylight for a while.

Assassination Attempt Thwarted
The JBU Progressive Outcry
20 Feb 2008
June Cleaver, Staff Reporter

Just as the nation has gotten over one political crisis after another, an attempt was made on the life of Primary Decision-Maker Java Black this afternoon. The victim attempted to throw a knife at Mr. Black's head but he wasn't a skilled thrower so the handle bounced off. If it's any concillation, according to Mr. Black it did hurt.

The would-be assassin has been dragged in for questioning by police. As of yet no details have been released. The suspect was a white male in his mid-twenties, possibly a student. Philsopher of Law and Order Theresa Beezlebrox has ordered security around Mr. Black to be tightened. The Primary Decision-Maker has reluctantly agreed.

No word yet on whether the assassin is related to the murder and kidnapping of last week or any other attempt to overthrow the government.

Failed Assassin Revealed
The JBU Skeptic Press
21 Feb 2008
Clementine Huckleberry, Investigative Reporter

Java Black credits his wearing of a tinfoil hat for his survival of yesterday's assassination attempt on him. Police are thinking it has more to do with the failed assassin's lack of professionalism.

The amateur knife-thrower is Jack Klezinski, a 22 year-old student at Java Black University and member of the anti-election student organization Democracy No! He was chanting pointless mantras about how the leader of the nation must die so that we can have necessary change before police gave up interrogating him.

Currently Klezinski is being shipped to Kitty Oaks, site of the office of psychiatrist Dr. Bill Makaw. Klezinski is believed to be brainwashed and Dr. Makaw is specialized in "deprogramming" members of various cults, terrorist organizations, and pyramid schemes.

Police are not certain if Klezinski was working alone or if Democracy No! is involved in conspiracy. Dr. Kelly Belly, the leader of the organization denies any knowledge of a conspiracy but does not go as far as to condemn Klezinski's actions.

"Violence isn't the answer," says Dr. Belly, "But maybe it's one of many possible answers. While we don't advocate it, I can't say I really blame Jack. As long as Black is in office, we're doomed to continue having these stupid and dangerous elections... on the taxpayers' money I might add."

Police are also still seeking a link between this assassination attempt and the crimes last week of the late Zappa Quadmire. As of yet, nobody really knows anything... about anything!

Roads to be Privatized
The JBU Progressive Outcry
21 Feb 2008
Juniper Reynolds, Columnist

It looks like Java Black is once again headed down the ill-advised path of trying to please the business interests. Rather than further raising taxes, which are getting too high for the right-wingers, he is allowing private companies to own and repair the roads and charge for the service.

The up-side is that maybe fewer people will drive, so for once the government has managed to do something that doesn't screw up our environment more and more. But it won't be an equal loss. The poor will have to be more dependent than ever on public transportation... which is not getting an increase.

In addition this might just give the business interests more power to advertise all over the place and push us further into a consumeristic downhill spiral. But oh well, folks. I think this is when we progressives take up walking. I'm certainly not going to pay these corporations for use of what should be a public good.

Java Black Making Sense... in His Own Way
The Coffee City Business News
22 Feb 2008
Buford Collins, District Manager, LatteBucks

Perhaps the smack on his head did him some good. Java Black, who now travels nowhere without his "anti-mind control" tinfoil hat, has passed bills through congress that have privatized the roads and is working on pushing legislation to sell many of the nation's beaches to the Maddiott hotel chain.

The leftists are all up in arms, but strangely this is his response to their worries about the environment and was coupled with the less sensible plan to tighten regulations on industrial waste. Mr. Black simply trusts the private sector to protect the environment better than the government departments responsible for it.

Conversion? Not really. "I just can't trust these people anymore," says Mr. Black, "We've been infiltrated by... Them. At least I know that you soulless businessmen will take care of things if you can make money off of it."
Truer words never spoken. The DRJBM economy is soaring and our environment is already improving sufficiently.

Let the leftists whine about having to bike to work and not being able to walk around on every beach. They did want a clean island. And they're the ones who elected all these corruptable officials into government in the first place. In the past, the business community has despised Mr. Black for being impossible to corrupt... but this newfound paranoia is even more lucrative... and seems to serve everyone.

Another Assassination Attempt!
The JBU Skeptic Press
22 Feb 2008
Claudia Limber, Staff Reporter

This morning yet another attack was made on Primary Decision-Maker Java Black, this time by a chiropractor named Smith Corona. Corona attempted to shoot the nation's leader but was stopped by a falling chandelier. Mr. Black credits his survival to benevolent aliens who work against the "Illuminati". Investigators credit it to faulty wiring and good luck... two things that describe much of Java Black's career.

Corona suffered no major wounds and showed the same strange behavior as the earlier would-be assassin Jack Klezinski. He has been shipped via police escort to the offices of Dr. Bill Makaw for "deprogramming" so that police can get to the bottom of this. Conspiracy now seems obvious but there is still no information on the motive nor on possible connections to the Zappa Quadmire crimes of last week.

Unlike the other crimes, there does not appear to be a business motive, as the business community has been quite cordial with Mr. Black over recent privatization legislation. Still Philosopher of Law and Order Theresa Beezlebrox is ordering a continued tight watch on Ragweed Vaughn, her suspect as the financier of Zappa Quadmire's crimes and for some reason suspected to be linked to the assassination attempts.

Interview With Dr. Bill Makaw
Madness Public Radio
22 Feb 2008

Steve: "Hi, and welcome to Gossip of the Country. This is Steve Flowerchild of MPR News. Coffee City Radio is your MPR News Station and is supported by The Jacobson Orphanage- now UN compliant.
My guest today is Dr. Bill Makaw. You know Dr. Bill from his hit TV show called Why Are You Crazy on Channel 36. Today we are going to be talking about his work with the two would-be assassins believed to be brainwashed into killing Java Black.
Dr. Bill, it's good to have you on the show."

Dr. Bill: "Good to be here, Steve. How's that fear of wild-"

Steve: "Great! Now... uhhh... I'd like to ask you about the two assassins. What seems to be their deal?"

Dr. Bill: "Well, Steve, there's no reason to be ashamed about-"

Steve: "The assassins! How are the [expletive deleted] assassins?!"

Dr. Bill: "Well both of them appear to have been under the influence of a cult-like organization. I believe they've been isolated from their friends and families and kept in sensory deprivation for long periods of time. They tend to chant mantras about the evil of Java Black and the nation and the government."

Steve: "What seems to be their motivation? Any leads on what this organization is?"

Dr. Bill: "The motivation seems poorly thought out if at all. One indication of how poorly is under the highly different circumstances of each attempt. Mr. Black was seen as staunchly anti-business and lapse on the environment during the first attack and extremely pro-business and a hyper-environmentalist during the second. So the motive doesn't seem to be based on any political motive. Someone just hates the government because it's the government."

Steve: "So you've found nothing yet?"

Dr. Bill: "Well, I think there is a connection to Zappa Quadmire, Steve. These two people and Mr quadmire were all students at the JBU business school, at least part-time. And they all had classes with Dr. Kelly Belly. Of course only Mr. Klezinski is a member of the organization Democracy No! But the motive makes sense from the irrational point of view of that group."

Steve: "So have the police gone to get Dr. Belly?"

Dr. Bill: "They can't find her, Steve. Nor any of the other leading members of Democracy No!"

Steve: "Hmmmm... Well that sounds like a pain."

Dr. Bill: "Yeah... But what can ya do? By the way, Steve, have you been taking your-"

Steve: "That's all the time we have today, folks! Send your donations! See ya! Bye! Cut the [expletive deleted] audio!"

Hostage Situation
The JBU Skeptic Press
25 Feb 2008
Jade Flipper, Staff Reporter

As soon as Philosopher of Law and Order Theresa Beezlebrox finally decide to stop focusing police attention on Ragweed Vaughn, the millionaire was kidnapped. Ransom notes have been showing up at various business places where Vaughn serves on the boards demanding helicopters, money, and other provisions.

The kidnapping is linked to a separist movement in South Espresso. But that crisis is set to be fixed as Primary Decision-Maker Java Black is expected to sign a bill creating a federal government in response to our growing population. Some close to the Law and Order Department are suggesting that it's a cover for the same group that's been committing high crimes over the past couple weeks.

Democracy No! leader Dr. Kelly Belly is still missing and police suspect that she might be hiding out in the South amongst the regional tensions and holding Vaughn hostage to secure an escape. Unfortunately for Mr. Vaughn, the police cannot operate in South Espresso without stirring up massive rioting. Even more unfortunate, the business community doesn't really seem to care if he makes it back alive.

The Crocogator Replaces the Kitty Cat as National Animal
The JBU Progressive Outcry
25 Feb 2008
Judy Laffer, Contributor

The decentralization of the government earlier today did little to make it easier for police entering South Espresso. But it has resulted in a strange outcry for a new national animal.

People have protested for years that there is no biological difference between the feral kitty cat and the house kitty cat. On top of that, many in the rural areas are of the opinion that kitty cats are just not scary enough.

The nation has thus acted under the vote of all regions to elevate the vicious crocogator, a horrible aquatic reptile, to the position of state animal. Many are angry because these creatures are of evil tempermentt and there are laws that make it difficult to defend people from them.

Some regions are expected to repeal such laws which worries some that the ferocious beasts may become endangered... just as our forests are coming back. Others point out that it hasn't been in danger of that yet, and it just became national animal today.

As for the flag, no one will go so far as to suggest getting rid of the cat symbol on it. "That would just be unpatriotic," says Billy Bob Joseph, the head councilman of the region most vocal for this change in animal.