Quintessence of Dust
22-12-2007, 16:04
InterNews.qd -- BREAKING NEWS
It has been confirmed that Eli Baker, President of Quintessence of Dust, has been declared dead, following this morning's dramatic scenes outside the Quite Nice House, during which extremist dissidents attempted an assassination of the nation's leader. His family have been informed, and Vice President Adolf Romsfelt has been sworn in as interim President, pending an emergency general election.
Although the Departments of the Interior and Defence have been quick to urge restraint and have stated that they do not anticipate further terrorist attack, Prime Minister Erica Ornan and selected other senior officials have been temporarily transferred to a secure, undisclosed location; Congressperson Samantha Benson, Congressional Liaison to the SCIR, has instead taken to cowering under desk wielding a letter opener and a canister of furniture polish.
Though Baker would have become the second oldest President by the end of his full term if he hadn't died and all, there were few fears about his health. A notable sportsman and adventurer in his youth, he had run over fifty marathons in the course of his life, and still took regularly walks on Sunday through his Starkresh estate. Three years ago he was treated for a mild case of hypertension, but his load was lightened, with some of his security duties being delegated to a faceless committee of unaccountable suits. The results were a return to full health, and the secret funding of a series of violent and spectacularly unsuccessful coups.
Dramatic scenes at the Quite Nice House
The tragedy unfolded this morning outside the official Presidential residence, the Quite Nice House (it's got a double-glazed conservatory and an Aga and everything), as Baker addressed a small crowd of Congresspeople and political figures, and a seething, corpulent mass of journalists, on the current state of the United Nations. His speech outlined some of the administration's legislative aims for 2008, and their changing view of the role of the UN in conflict mediation. He finished with a rousing call to arms to support the ban on slavery that his Secretary of State for UN Affairs and longtime political ally, George Madison, had sent to the General Assembly that very morning.
Unbeknown to Baker, Dmitri Mascerpone and Jose "Twitchy" Cracatoa, members of the ultra-rightist "We Like Guns Hurr" militia group, had managed to gain access to the Quite Nice Gardens, being carefully to avoid the pansies, because they just look so lovely at this time of the year. Armed with multiple improbably-named weapons and a big pointy stick, their exact reasons for planning the assassination are at this stage unclear, but probably had something to do with taxes or some shit like that.
Mascerpone, who Quintessential Bureau of Investigation sources have variously labelled a neo-Nazi, a Christian Identity supporter, and a white suprematist, and Cracatoa, unanimously described as 'just batshit insane', managed to evade apprehension by the multiple security personnel on site by hiding in the petunia bushes and, when spotted, promising to reform their ways and take up vocational courses, and approached Baker's platform. Drawing their weapons, they fired multiple rounds at the assembled party, missing pretty much everything except the hanging basket Baker's wife's aunt gave her last Winterval, which she didn't really like anyway.
While the Congresspeople took turns giving stirring speeches denouncing the violence, political advisors debated who to blame the incident on, and reporters ran around royally shitting themselves, Baker himself was left alone to tackle his would-be assailants, who quickly wielded to his deadly combination of pummeling blows and pervasive odour of smug liberal self-righteousness, the latter reducing Cracatoa to a coughing fit. The Congresspeople promptly assembled to give stirring speeches praising Baker's valiant efforts while reminding bystanders of the importance of community-led efforts to tackle crime.
Remounting the platform, Baker continued with ease from his prepared script, his familiar cadences warming even the hearts of the hardened thugs who had just five minutes earlier staged an attempt on his life and plant pots. "When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every tenement and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of Quod's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Christians and atheists, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old spiritual, 'Free at last, free at last. Thank Quod Almighty, we are free at last.'"
But then a bear ate him.
(Retrieved 22/12/07, 14:24)
It has been confirmed that Eli Baker, President of Quintessence of Dust, has been declared dead, following this morning's dramatic scenes outside the Quite Nice House, during which extremist dissidents attempted an assassination of the nation's leader. His family have been informed, and Vice President Adolf Romsfelt has been sworn in as interim President, pending an emergency general election.
Although the Departments of the Interior and Defence have been quick to urge restraint and have stated that they do not anticipate further terrorist attack, Prime Minister Erica Ornan and selected other senior officials have been temporarily transferred to a secure, undisclosed location; Congressperson Samantha Benson, Congressional Liaison to the SCIR, has instead taken to cowering under desk wielding a letter opener and a canister of furniture polish.
Though Baker would have become the second oldest President by the end of his full term if he hadn't died and all, there were few fears about his health. A notable sportsman and adventurer in his youth, he had run over fifty marathons in the course of his life, and still took regularly walks on Sunday through his Starkresh estate. Three years ago he was treated for a mild case of hypertension, but his load was lightened, with some of his security duties being delegated to a faceless committee of unaccountable suits. The results were a return to full health, and the secret funding of a series of violent and spectacularly unsuccessful coups.
Dramatic scenes at the Quite Nice House
The tragedy unfolded this morning outside the official Presidential residence, the Quite Nice House (it's got a double-glazed conservatory and an Aga and everything), as Baker addressed a small crowd of Congresspeople and political figures, and a seething, corpulent mass of journalists, on the current state of the United Nations. His speech outlined some of the administration's legislative aims for 2008, and their changing view of the role of the UN in conflict mediation. He finished with a rousing call to arms to support the ban on slavery that his Secretary of State for UN Affairs and longtime political ally, George Madison, had sent to the General Assembly that very morning.
Unbeknown to Baker, Dmitri Mascerpone and Jose "Twitchy" Cracatoa, members of the ultra-rightist "We Like Guns Hurr" militia group, had managed to gain access to the Quite Nice Gardens, being carefully to avoid the pansies, because they just look so lovely at this time of the year. Armed with multiple improbably-named weapons and a big pointy stick, their exact reasons for planning the assassination are at this stage unclear, but probably had something to do with taxes or some shit like that.
Mascerpone, who Quintessential Bureau of Investigation sources have variously labelled a neo-Nazi, a Christian Identity supporter, and a white suprematist, and Cracatoa, unanimously described as 'just batshit insane', managed to evade apprehension by the multiple security personnel on site by hiding in the petunia bushes and, when spotted, promising to reform their ways and take up vocational courses, and approached Baker's platform. Drawing their weapons, they fired multiple rounds at the assembled party, missing pretty much everything except the hanging basket Baker's wife's aunt gave her last Winterval, which she didn't really like anyway.
While the Congresspeople took turns giving stirring speeches denouncing the violence, political advisors debated who to blame the incident on, and reporters ran around royally shitting themselves, Baker himself was left alone to tackle his would-be assailants, who quickly wielded to his deadly combination of pummeling blows and pervasive odour of smug liberal self-righteousness, the latter reducing Cracatoa to a coughing fit. The Congresspeople promptly assembled to give stirring speeches praising Baker's valiant efforts while reminding bystanders of the importance of community-led efforts to tackle crime.
Remounting the platform, Baker continued with ease from his prepared script, his familiar cadences warming even the hearts of the hardened thugs who had just five minutes earlier staged an attempt on his life and plant pots. "When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every tenement and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of Quod's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Christians and atheists, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old spiritual, 'Free at last, free at last. Thank Quod Almighty, we are free at last.'"
But then a bear ate him.
(Retrieved 22/12/07, 14:24)