NationStates Jolt Archive

Pre-election polls promise nailbiter

PARADISE CITY (Town Crier) --- Though still expected to take a drubbing at the hands of the opposition Liberal Party, President Fernanda (ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Manuelo_Fernanda)'s majority Conservatives, most polls show, can hope for tiebreaker or otherwise very narrow control of both houses of the Federal Congress in midterm elections scheduled for Sept. 4.

The Town Crier poll of 4,561 "very likely voters" released Saturday gives Liberals a 46-41 advantage on a generic ballot, with analysis of competitive Assembly districts and Senate races failing to predict control by either party in either house.

"There are too many races within the margin of error to make a positive determination," said polling director Seth Reading. "But an increased concern over terrorism and national security, optimism over decreased violence in Paradise City (the capital of OMGTKK), and renewed resentment of the United Nations gives Conservatives cause for optimism."

Rising disillusionment with the perceived incompetence of the president and his administration have led many to predict a grim outcome for Conservatives in this year's elections, and despite the slight uptick in polls, Fernanda Administration officials have done little to help their cause in recent weeks.

Rumors of former UN Ambassador Sammy Faisano's involvement in the recently passed Accessible Family Planning (www.nationstates.net/page=UN_past_resolutions/start=218) resolution have certainly placed the nation's UN mission in a hot spot, renewing calls by Conservatives for an immediate withdrawal from the world body. Acting Amb. Cdr. Jenny Chiang's news conference with her predecessor this week also raised eyebrows, when the commander declared unequivocally that the Federal Republic was in "full compliance with all relevant UN conventions," adding, "Stop winking, Sammy! ... Sammy, stop winking! Stop!"

Liberal congressional candidates accused Chiang of lying, and demanded that President Fernanda dismiss her.

"The commander's well-known pattern of dishonesty, not only with the Kennyite people, but with her fellow UN diplomats, does not bode well for her short tenure as acting ambassador," said Assemblyman Harry Black, L-Fleurdelisia, who is running for re-election. "And besides, I caught one of her Strangers' Bar strip-shows on K-Span3, and she just doesn't do it for me -- and that's a real disappointment, since she's supposed to be, like, this really hot, kinky Asian chick and all. Meh."

Nor has the president's behavior this election season been much of a plus for his side. Following a disastrous State of the Union address, in which he had a fit right there behind the podium and challenged congressional Liberals to a street fight, Fernanda was sent to UN Headquarters on a "goodwill mission" until the election was over. He also spent a few weeks in Yelda this summer on "vacation," but all the extended time off and trips abroad apparently didn't reduce the embarrassing incidents. Fernanda had to be tranquilized during a speech to the General Assembly, and later assaulted an Ariddian reporter during a UN news conference.

There has been some good news for Conservatives, however, including reports that the troop "surge" in Paradise City has seen some success, with the United Nations able to downgrade the Federal Republic's status from "Anarchy" to "Corporate Bordello." The Town Crier poll shows most voters agree that the troop surge is "worth it."

Conservatives in battleground districts have nevertheless tried to maintain their distance from the president, refusing to extend invitations to appear at campaign events, and defining their differences with the administration in TV spots.

Even so, candidates for re-election like Kennsylvania's Assemblyman Chuck Beamer and Sen. Pete Santeria are still way behind in the polls.

Liberal candidates, meanwhile, still have the advantage, being given plenty of opportunities to go on the offensive as bad news continues to roll in. Said Assembly Minority Leader John Hankley, "The Kennyite people are being given the chance to hear our positive plans for this nation," which include tax hikes, immediate troop withdrawals from Thessadoria and Chechnya, the dissolution of the controversial Creative Solutions Agency (ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Creative_Solutions_Agency), and impeaching the president.


Election Information:

Political Parties
OMGTKK has historically operated under a two-party system, the major parties being the God-fearing Freedom-loving Conservative Patriot Party, to which President Manuelo Fernanda belongs, and the opposition Pansy-ass Liberal Hippy Treehugger Party.

Conservatives favor removing economic regulations and restrictions on business, tax breaks for corporations and wealthier and middle-class citizens, an aggressive foreign policy including preemptive strikes on terror havens, and withdrawal from the United Nations. Meanwhile, Liberals, as stated in the article, are pushing for "tax hikes, immediate troop withdrawals from Thessadoria and Chechnya (which the administration sees as "key battlegrounds" in the War on Terror), the dissolution of the controversial Creative Solutions Agency (which finds loopholes in UN resolutions that the government can use to get around disagreeable legislation), and impeaching the president." Both parties are instruments of competing corporate interests (which control nearly all aspects of Kennyite culture and governance), and generally favor free trade.

Third parties have historically not done well in national elections, and this year is no exception, although an Allied Press poll gives Karmicarian Callgirls Unlimited (a division of Karmicarian Callboys Unlimited) an inexplicable 15-percent showing. Which is strange considering that KCU is not a registered political party and is not running any candidates for election this year (unless they've got stealth candidates on the ballot plotting to infiltrate Congress or something).

Legitimate third parties include the Green Party -- which advocates strong protections for the environment, "fair trade" policies, public financing of political campaigns, minimizing the corporations' sizable role over the electoral process and the government, and turning all operations over to the UN gnomes -- and the so-called Constitution Reform Party, which stands for "absolute sovereignty," entailing a withdrawal from all international agreements and obligations (including the UN), severely protectionist economic practices, and reducing the nation of Rubina to glass. Neither party is expected to win a single seat. Independents may win a handful of seats in both houses.

Current makeup of Congress:
Assembly (750 seats): 412 Conservative, 335 Liberal, 3 Independent
Senate (25 votes): 14 Conservative, 11 Liberal

Though states can elect anywhere between three and five senators, their respective delegations control only one vote each, meaning the party with a majority of seats in a delegation usually controls how their state votes in the upper house. At stake this election are all 750 Assembly seats, and control of nine Senate delegations. The Federal Assembly initiates all appropriations bills, while the Federal Senate has the sole authority to ratify treaties and confirm most major federal appointments.

Election debates heat up in OMGTKK

Ariddian Secretary for External Affairs Ulo Ho has made the following, brief statement.

"It's not for this government to comment on the electoral process in another sovereign nation, especially if that nation happens to be a democracy. I'm certain the intelligent, well-educated electorate in OMGTKK will choose honest, competent candidates who have the best interests of the Federal Republic and its people at heart."

Having completed that statement with a remarkably straight face, Secretary Ho added: "I'd also like to remind all Ariddians that a time of political conflict may not be the best moment to visit the Kennyite Federation. I'm not sure whether there is a best moment, but this certainly isn't it."

He concluded: "I wish the best of luck to whatever administration results from these elections. The PDSRA will continue to maintain a policy of constructive diplomatic relations with Paradise City whatever the outcome."

Lord Julius sat in his office, and read the latest reports from his nation's ally Ohmigodtheykilledkenny. The election news was a bit startling. it was almost unfathomable that the liberals might win the congress, though that would little affect business as long as President Fernanda was still in office. Lighting up a cigar, and pouring a glass of 101proof Thought Provoker, Julius sat quietly thinking over the implications.

"I think Antigone might need to show some skin, to help out the conservative cause. Time to take one for the team so to speak.", he thought.

Suddenly his quiet moment was interupted by a very pissed off Empress barging into his office.

"What the hell is wrong with those idiots in the electorate!!!!!! Manuelo and his party has given them unbelievable prestige and wealth.", yelled HIH Jhessan.

"She's so pretty when she's angry." , thought Lord Julius, before answering,
"They're Kennyites, your Hottness. You know, not too bright, and easily distracted."

"What are we going to do about this?", asked Jhessan.

"Legallly we can't do anything. Its their nation, and involvement in internal politics are strickly forbidden.", replied the Prime Minister.

Jhessan glowered at him.

"However since Kennyites can pick up our TV and Satelite TV stations, if you were to give a few speeches in favor of the Conservatives while wearing skimpy clothes, or have a couple of beach volleyball tournements where you and your friend taslk on how great the Conservatives are doing, then that might help. I have it on good authority than the Kennyites...well the male Kennyites anyway, are fond of you.", continued Julius.

Jhessan gave him another very nasty look, then sighed and said,
"Its better than doing nothing."

"Are quite sure?"

Pare-vohu-manar, the Minister of Foreign Affairs, snorted derisively. It was quite impressive, he'd been practicing.

"Of course! This is an excellent idea- it appeases those who want to see more foreign relations, and keeps the pro-homeland party satisfied. I can't see a downside!"

"What about the downside of trying to interfere in another nation's internal affairs?"

Another derisive snort. "It's that kind of silly thinking that's keeping you Secondary Minister, Dirh."

Dirh Mehrn, Secondary Minister of Foreign Affairs, sighed. "Fine. But when the Council reassigns you to some quaestor in Bae for signing their names to this, don't come crying to me."


The Centralized Mountain States of Snefaldia

BY THEIR EXCELLENCIES of the Tuhran Bel & their Holy Council;

By the powers invested in this Bel by the Motions and Aatem Nal, it is our pleasure to give the support of the Snefaldian government to the Kennyite God-Fearing Conservative Party. It is this party which we believe will be the best to continue Omigodtheykilledkenny's track record of leadership, both in the Antarctic Oasis and in the world at large.

We would also like to see more "goodwill missions" from Antigone Morgan, if you know what we mean. Yeah? You get it? Aw yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about.

Parepauresanna-vohu-manar
His Holiness the Minister of Foreign Affairs
In the Name of the Bel

As Dirh franked the letter with the appropriate diplomatic ensigns, he briefly reflected on the provenance of the missive. Worst case, he'd be fired along with vohu-manar because of the affair in an "office shuffle." Best case? He tells the Bel what vohu-manar fucked up this time and got his job.

Uh, yeah. Option two, definitely.

The Aerie
Ael Khalas, Altanar

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Jaris?" King Aelkyn said, tapping his fingers on the arm of his throne. "We typically don't get involved in the politics of other nations. We've always pursued a neutral policy."

"Indeed we have, and that's been a wise course," Altanar's Prime Minister, Jaris Krytellin, responded. "A small fish shouldn't stir up trouble in a big pond. But I believe that Altanar, while not being a big fish yet, hopefully has reached the stage where we can take some stands in the international community without being turned into sardines."

"We can only hope..." Aelkyn mused, continuing to tap the throne. After a moment, he made his decision. "Go ahead and release the statement. We'll see what happens from there."

---

Altanar International Media Service
Evening news broadcast

In a dramatic break from traditional Altanari policy, His Majesty's Government issued a brief statement concerning the upcoming elections in Omigodtheykilledkenny.

While reaffirming Altanar's policy of neutrality and promising to work with both of the major political parties, the government gave a cautious vote of support for the opposition Liberal Party currently seeking to gain strength in OMGTKK's government.

"After review, we feel that the Liberals are more closely aligned with our own policies here in Altanar, and thus would be a logical choice to support," acting Prime Minister Jaris Krytellin said.

When asked if supporting a political party in the elections wasn't an unwarranted interference in OMGTKK's internal affairs, Krytellin was blunt. "Nations interfere in each other's affairs all the time, and it's naive to think otherwise. A smart nation will encourage other nations to see things as they do. We are confident that this stand will not lead to undesired repercussions."

Footsteps and voices could be heard echoing through the eighth-floor corridors as two men in business suits and dark complexions rounded the corner in search of the elevators. The spacious halls of the United Nations Headquarters were curiously quiet and deserted that day, especially considering that the diplomats were traversing the floor that Kennyites and Kawaiians jointly occupied, but the men had probably attributed it to the most exciting debate on a euthanasia repeal transpiring stories below. Certainly the UN's famed office-swipers were still lurking silently in the shadows, watching the proceedings on their electronic devices, ready to squat a nation's suite once their representative threatened to resign. As surely one of them would.

"Does it trouble you that the Altanaris have endorsed the Liberal Party, Mr. Secretary?" the younger and more built of the two asked.

"Not much, no," answered Sec. Tehrani, slightly taller than the ambassador-designate accompanying him.

"But coming from Jaris? He's a former colleague of ours! He's always been more reserved than his successor Jinella. He certainly knows we're both staunch Conservatives!"

"I realize that, Sammy," Tehrani said measurably. "But you must keep in mind, Mr. Krytellin made a fatal error when he made that announcement. Something the Palentines very well understand, but which the Altanaris apparently do not."

"Which is?"

"He didn't say it while surrounded by a bunch of bikini-clad women playing beach volleyball! Very few Kennyites are likely to listen to him as a result."

"But Kennyites don't care what any silly foreigner thinks of them, regardless."

"No, they don't, Sammy, but you forget: They'll listen to anyone when they're surrounded by a bunch of bikini-clad women playing beach volleyball, foreigner or not! And when you're competing with Empress Jhessan, it's very well-advised."

They had reached the row of elevators. "Anyway, I'm going down. I've been asked to monitor the rest of the debate, since Cdr. Chiang says she's been detained by President Fernanda. Where're you off to, Sammy?"

"I'm going up, actually," the boy answered. "Dicey Reilly's expecting me in the Strangers' Bar."

"Oh, good," Tehrani said, reaching into his inside coat pocket. "Chiang said she saw the Snefaldians there earlier. Would you mind passing this along to them?" He handed him a business-sized envelope.

"No problem, sir."

The down arrow above one the elevators flashed as the bell dinged. "Well, good luck, Sammy," Tehrani said as he stepped inside and pressed the button marked "Snakepit."

"I am sorry," the security guard said to the reporter, "the Minister is currently being rimmed by several hot Asian girls and cannot respond to your queries at this time. But I did manage to get this for you."

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r56/kelchek/fgnaffairs-newhead.gif

For public release

OFFICIAL STATEMENT
RE: KENNYITE POLITICAL SITUATION

Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Ehhhh, Macarena!
Haaaaaiiii!!!!

Dale Windman
Secretary to the Secretary for Official Statement Release

Darth Sparkles looks at his foreign affairs minister who is currently getting blowed by a donkey in the corner of the obtuse office, situated in the goverment building known as the grey house because everything is painted in a very drab military-style battlestar grey, and asks his opinion on how their nation should vote....

Brad Buttclench, minister for foreign affairs,pre-marital affairs and chocolate eclairs, suggests that Anti-Sparkles should vote for "tree-hugging pansies in order that should their nation upset us then they will offer the least possible resistance when we send our troops acrosss their borders and bomb seven multi-coloured shades of shit out of them."

Unfortunately he forgets that a student film crew is currently there filming a behind the scenes documentary on the new nations goverment policies and catches every word...


Fortunately the camera man is one of the population that Anti-Sparkles new proposed U.N resolution (now rejected) is aimed at re-educating and thus has neglected to put a video in his camera so although he has pressed record nothing is actually being documented at all....

unfortunately for the foreign affairs minister, the donkey has infected him with a very rare almost unheard of sexual disease and in six months he will be suffering undescribable agony and be unable to pee without it hurting....

fortunately six weeks before symptoms begin, he will get hit by a bus -its driver distracted by one of the female nudists that his goverment allowed to roam the streets in a bid to appeal more liberal in its approach to everyday life...

but then thems the breaks and shit does indeed happen...

*Southern Malibu islands, At the Beachside Villa of HIH Empress Jhessan*

Amid sounds of laughter and cheers, a camera pans over to a Young lady (http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f235/HoratioSulla/shirow/Jhessan2.jpg). She looks at the camera, smiles and says,

"Greetings and Salutations to all those watching my invitational Beach Volleyball tournement, especially our Kennyite friends. As you know I'm HIH Jhessan, and I just want to say a few words, before the tournement. In a few days , my Kennyite friends will go to the polls to vote for their congressional leaders. I just want them to know how much I, and of course my nation, supports the God-Fearing Freedom-Loving Conservative Patriot Party. I mean, they are the only real choice. They've brought great wealth and prestige to the great nation, not to mention that their manly foreign policy really turns me on."

Jhessan lets out a very sexy sigh and wriggles sugestively.

"Besides, President Fernada has a lot more...prestige, than the leader of the wimpy liberals, Sen Thorne.", She coos.

"Oh my! All this is making me hot, so I better cool down before the tournement starts."HIH purrs.
Then HIH picks up a bottle of ice water and starts pouring it all over her face and shirt, the water flowing down her glistening body.

The camera then pans over to the activities on the beach and passes by a a couple of young ladies (http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f235/HoratioSulla/shirow/jhessanfriend.jpg) sitting by signs that say "We love the conservatives!"

George Brown, the UN mission's communications director, was already waiting in Sammy's office when Sec. Tehrani stepped in, laughing heartily.

"What's so funny, sir?" Brown asked with a nervous chuckle.

"Someone's gotta tell Jhessan she's gonna get us in a lot of trouble," the secretary replied, still chortling. "We've had a hard time restraining the president after he saw her last performance, and he was bound and determined to get to Malibu Islands to join the party! Man, that would have been a disaster!" And he broke into laughter again.

"Is he OK now?"

"I think so. Cdr. Chiang was still calming him down when I left them; they're in her dressing room."

"She give him a pill or something?"

"No, more forceful measures were needed. But I don't think we have anything to worry about."

Just then Cdr. Chiang appeared at the door, her expression grave.

"Ah, Cdr. Chiang? How's the president?" Tehrani asked.

"Missing, sir."

"Missing?!" Tehrani's air darkened immediately. "How did you accomplish that?"

"Well, I had to keep from leaving, didn't I? When he wouldn't cool off I tried tying him up, but he seemed to be enjoying it too much, so I decided I'd just switch on live coverage of the debate downstairs to put him to sleep, but when I turned around he was gone."

"He's heading to the Malibu Islands? Where there's a live camera crew?!" Tehrani asked alarmingly. "He's going to embarrass this administration right out of office!"

"I quite agree sir," Chiang said. "But he's not going far. There's no portal that goes to the Malibu Islands. We have to assume he's heading either to Paradise City or the Palentine UN Office. We can catch him there. I'll have the Paradise City Police issue an APB on all liquor stores, sex shops, adult-video stores, bordellos and airports in the district. The Palentine authorities must also be warned. He will probably resist force. He should be considered armed and extremely horny."

"A manhunt for a head of state? Isn't that a bit extreme?" Tehrani asked. "What will the public think when the news gets out?"

"There's no need to alarm anyone. We'll just offer a reward."

"And you think that'll soften the blow?" Tehrani asked skeptically.

"You let me handle this, Mr. Secretary," Chiang commanded. "You get on the phone with Prime Minister Marx."

A short while later, the following announcement could be heard on KSUX radio in Paradise City:

...and I've just been handed this notice from the State Department: apparently they are sponsoring a contest for all listeners! The "Where in the World is Manuelo Fernanda?" Prize Giveaway! If you think you know where President Fernanda is, call in to our station and let us know, and if you're right, KSUX and the State Department will send you a free Klöllen (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?showtopic=518&view=findpost&p=6859422)! The phone lines are open! Call in now!

The Gruenberger Chronicle

Foreign elections more interesting than own ones, say Gruenbergers

FLURTHWEL -- Political analysts are predicting with surprise that the upcoming Congressional elections in the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny will prove of much greater interest to Gruenberger citizens than their own parliamentary ones did last year. The surprise conclusion, reached after weeks of intensive polling, statistical analysis, and huffing paint thinner to "commune with the collective consciousness", has thrown many assumptions about the Gruenberger national character on its head.

"Uh, since when did we ever give a shit about what Johnny Foreigner was getting up to, much less who he voted for?" asked the baffled Monarchist Party spokesman, Isidor Adorwenits-Open. "C'mon, Lori Jiffjeff gets stick for turning a blind eye to genocide, but now we're all expected to understand Kennyite campaign finance laws? What gives?"

What gives?

Most analysts believe that what gives is a combination of boredom and apathy bred by the lengthy inactivity of the Gruenberger federal government, apart from executing a lot of disabled people, and the lure and appeal of the glitzy world of Kennyite politics. People For The Liberation of Lori Jiffjeff's Front spokesman Notwen Itsajar put the case eloquently. "NIPPLES!" he roared. "WE DEMAND NIPPLES!"

This conclusion is borne out by polling data. For example, 81% of those questioned in Moroschwegen preferred or significantly preferred the possibility of being wooed by an elaborately financed but politically vacuous campaign, to being spiked in the face for voting the wrong way. 77% of respondents in Merlefurt felt that the Kennyite system's massive corruption, bribery, and corporate whoring was more than offset by the cruel, unremitting misery of trying to eke out a pitiful existence in Gruenberg. And a whopping 94% of Flurthwelers thought that although Kennyite political hucksters were known to ply undecided voters with alcohol, "sweet liquor eases the pain". They were more divided on the issue of whether Princess Jianna Woltzten or Vice President Antigone Morgan was "totally hotter", splitting 46:52, although an overwhelming proportion suggested settling the issue through a mud-wrestling contest.

Gruenberg's major political figures have mostly kept silent on the issue, so as to respect their close ally's neutrality. Grand Vizier Mikkolic Weltin said, "Clearly, it would be wrong for the Court to express any preference as to whether the glorious administration of the righteous President Fernanda's congressional allies in the war on terror should give way to two years of screeching hysteria from those douchebag liberals, and as such we will certainly not be expressing any opinion on the election."

An exception has been Popo Poppypants, who dramatically resigned as leader of the National Liberal Party last week. Yesterday she gave a vehement farewell speech to Congress in which she strongly castigated Fernanda's "collusion with the forces of evil" - a veiled reference to His Holiness Himself - before unveiling the reference by adding "by which I mean the Sultan". She added that she hoped Gruenbergers would throw their weight behind the Liberals, before, rather predictably, a Monarchist-Conservative coalition threw their weight behind defenestrating her.

Others have questioned the depth of feeling, however, pointing out that while many Gruenbergers have expressed strong political preferences, few seem to have any grasp of the issues at stake. Typical was one young man, dressed in full Conservative regalia, who marched through the streets of Flurthwel wielding a banner saying "Go Go Ko Ko!" He was unable to explain who or what Ko Ko was, or why, where or how he needed to go go, ultimately breaking down in hysterical tears when questioned on Fernanda's healthcare reform plans and the importance of Congressional oversight in monetary policy.

Not everyone has welcomed the distraction, however. Attorney General Lori Jiffjeff spoke out sharply, saying, "While I wish President Fernanda every success, I think a lot more Gruenbergers should be concentrating on raising their families, working hard at their jobs, and testifying in sham political trials against their neighbours." Extremist sect the Red Goat of Blackness has also criticised those "ogling this perversion of Mother Wena's universal plan at the hands of Hebraic debauchers"; rolling his eyes, the Sultan finally sighed, "Alright, fine, you can sit in the front seat if you really want."

Manuelo Fernanda accused of being a "communist"

This morning Kennyites throughout Paradise City and its suburbs woke up to find a leaflet slipped through their letterbox, bearing a simple message, in large blue letters: THE CONSERVATIVES ARE COMMUNISTS! Find out all about it here:

The claim was accompanied by a url to a YouTube video. Curious citizens who visited it discovered a video of three gorgeous women, clad in tight, skimpy blue bikinis - the colour, smart minds might note, of the Pansy-ass Liberal Hippy Treehugger Party. One of the women looked suspiciously like an Ariddian Wymgani (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Wymgani), and the beach where they sat sipping cocktails and stretching their long, lovely bare legs looked suspiciously like a beach on the Ariddian island of Wueliw. But few Kennyites could have known that.

"Hello," a buxom blonde purred at the viewers. "You look like a very bright and handsome Kennyite."

"We're here," the drop-dead gorgeous Asian beside her said in a sultry voice, "to tell you that the God-fearing Freedom-loving Conservative Patriot Party are a bunch of dangerous communists."

At that point, bright red letters on the screen began to flash in warning: THE CONSERVATIVES ARE COMMUNISTS! After about twenty seconds, while the lovely ladies continued to talk and show off their curvaceous assets, the message changed to: MANUELO FERNANDA IS A COMMUNIST!

"Did you know," the Wymgani woman whispered, wriggling seductively, and standing, her ample breasts bouncing as she did so, "that Manuelo Fernanda has said communism would be great for Omigodtheykilledkenny? And that, if you elect him, he will make your country a communist dictatorship?"

An image appeared briefly of Fernanda shouting: "Communism is great! Communism is what we need!"

"Communism," the blonde purred once more, licking her lips and rubbing her hands slowly over her cleavage, "means Fernanda will close your supermarkets, your sex shops, and ban porn."

"Remember," the trio said, smiling brightly, "a vote for the Conservatives is a vote for communism!" They blew a kiss in unison at the camera, leaning forward to flash a view of their bosoms, then the video ended.

A message helpfully popped up asking viewers whether they wanted to play the video again.

The Ariddian authorities and the Ariddian embassy in Paradise City deny any part in this event.

"Hey, hon," Terrell called. "Come look at this."

Amanda came shuffling from the kitchen to find her beloved husband surfing the Net, with his pants undone. He glanced up at her semi-resentful face. "What have you been doing?" he asked.

"Just watching young Mrs. Thompson sunbathing in her backyar-- er, I mean, just pondering how I may more faithful to you," Amanda quickly corrected herself.

Terrell studied his wife's nervous face quizzically. He knew something was wrong with what she just said. "Do people do a lot of sunbathing out here in the Antarctic?" he finally inquired.

"Well, I see Mrs. Thompson do it at least three times a week-- I mean, there's not a lot of point to it," Amanda answered him. "Though we do have a sun."

"Whatever. Come look at this."

Amanda stood over Terrell's shoulder to have a better look at the computer screen, where three hotties on YouTube were sunning it up on far away shores and blathering on about communism. "Mmmm," Amanda moaned approvingly. "Which one is mine?"

"Rev. Green says you're not supposed to say things like that anymore," Terrell reminded her, glancing over his shoulder. "We're 'reformed' now, remember?"

"Rev. Green also says you're supposed to be turned on when I say things like that," Amanda shot back. "What is this, anyway?"

Terrell turned back to the monitor. "Well, I was searching for 'HARDCORE THUG ACTION'-- uhhh, I mean, 'Big jugs and other manly stuff,' and it brought up this link about Manuelo Fernanda. Apparently, these girls say he's a communist and will do bad communist things if he's elected."

"Is he on the ballot this year?"

"I dunno, are we even having an election for president?" Terrell wondered.

"No, we already had one of those a couple years ago. I think we're voting for Congress this year, aren't we?"

"Either that or the regional water board."

"You think Fernanda would have any interest in that?" Amanda queried.

"I doubt it. Maybe he's running for state governor someplace?"

"Maybe. Does he live in our state?"

"No idea," Terrell shrugged.

"Well, the Miss Omigodtheykilledkenny Pageant is coming up. Maybe he's running for that? He'd really give Max Berry a run for his money."

"Oh, I know!" Terrell finally said. "He's probably trying for World's Biggest Man-Whore again!"

"Yeah, that must be it," agreed Amanda.

Terrell sighed. "I dunno. Who are you voting for this year?"

"In the elections?" Amanda answered uninterestedly. "No clue yet. But that Antigone Morgan sure is a hot piece of ass; I think I'll vote for her again."

"Nope. She's not running either. I think the vice president and the president are elected together, aren't they?"

"Who knows?" Amanda turned away from the computer screen. "Anyway, what do you want to do tonight?"

Terrell thought a moment. "Wanna have sex?" he asked unenthusiastically.

Amanda grimaced. "No, we already tried that last week."

"Yeah," Terrell sighed. His face suddenly lit up. "Wanna go shopping?" he offered hopefully.

"No, we already did your thing last time," Amanda recalled. "It's my turn to pick. I know, let's check out the Monster Truck Rally!"

"Well, alright," Terrell said dejectedly. "But can we please leave Tina the babysitter behind this time?"

"But she is such a good employee," Amanda protested. "She earns every paycheck."

"We don't even have any kids!" Terrell pointed out.

"You ... you think a go-getter like Tina is gonna let something like that stop her?"

The Aerie
Situation Room

"It appears, ladies and gentlemen, that we miscalculated a bit in our effort to influence the OMGTKK elections," Jaris Krytellin told the members of Altanar's High Council, seated around a long conference table.

King Aelkyn frowned. "Are you saying our statement of support for the Liberals didn't have the desired effect?"

Krytellin coughed slightly. "Um. It actually appears to have had...no effect at all."

The frown on the King's face turned into a scowl. "You better run that by me again, Jaris. I know Altanar doesn't have much influence there...but no effect at all?"

"If I may, your Majesty?" Royal Intelligence Director Alicia Kamalek said, shuffling some papers in front of her on the table.

"Please, Alicia...I'm really dying to hear this one," Aelkyn said dryly.

"Yes, your Majesty. We don't have firm figures yet, but we do have some observers on the ground in OMGTKK. From what they told us, when the statement from Jaris went out on AIMS, approximately five people appeared to have watched it. Out of that five, three of them changed the channel within minutes, if not seconds. The other two appear to have spent some time flinging food at the TV screen to see if they could get it to stick on the image of Jaris' face on the screen, got bored after a minute, and then changed the channel."

"I....see..." Aelkyn said. "Uhm...is that normal behavior for Kennyites?"

"They don't appear to pay too much attention to media content that isn't....sensationalist, your Majesty. We made the classic mistake with our effort...we tailored it to what voters in Altanar would expect to see, not ones in OMGTKK. The electorate in Altanar is fairly conservative morally, well-educated, well-informed, and avidly involved in politics. The electorate in OMGTKK, so far as we can tell...is....um....is not," Kamalek finished, clearly struggling for words to describe Kennyites.

"We've gathered some examples of what appears to pass for political advertising over there," Krytellin added, pressing buttons on a remote. The lights in the room dimmed, and a large plasma screen came down from the ceiling, displaying what appeared to be a very attractive woman at a beach volleyball tournament, and then a YouTube video with three scantily clad women.

When the videos finished and the lights came back up, utter silence gripped the room. A discreet cough finally broke the silence. "Your Majesty, we've taken the liberty of preparing another media effort, this one a bit more tailored to the...uhm...unique mindset of the Kennyites...your Majesty?" Kamalek said questioningly.

With a rude snort, Queen Melika, seated next to Aelkyn, gave him a sharp jab in the shoulder. Aelkyn suddenly snapped to attention. "Yes...sorry, Alicia, I was just...thinking about our options here..."

"I bet you were," Melika snapped. "I'm sure you all were deep in contemplation," she added, as the men seated around the table desperately tried to appear attentive.

"Yes...well...what is this second media effort you had planned, Alicia?" Aelkyn said, avoiding the dagger-eyed glare of his Queen.

With an amused expression on her face, Kamalek turned and pressed another button on the remote. The lights dimmed again, and another series of video clips played. When the lights came up again, the room was once again silent. With an irritated sigh, Melika picked up a large book from the conference table and slammed it down. The men seated around the table snapped out of yet another moment of "contemplation".

"Yes....well....considering the target audience, I think this effort will go a lot better than the previous one," Aelkyn said hastily. "I'm prepared to give it the go-ahead. Does everyone else agree with me?"

Queen Melika gave another rude snort, but didn't say anything. Jaris and Alicia merely smirked. Everyone else seated around the table, however, gave their enthusiastic thumbs-up.

"Excellent," Aelkyn said. "Alicia, go ahead and air that on the AIMS feed we send out to OMGTKK. Give it lots of time in the rotation."

---

Altanar International Media Service
Over and over again

The normally scheduled programming on Altanar's international broadcasting service to OMGTKK was pre-empted by an entirely new show, one not likely to be seen in Altanar.

A curvaceous blonde woman, clad in a very skimpy bikini, leaned towards the camera, giving the audience a superb view of her cleavage.

"Welcome back to our coverage of the first-ever Altanar International Female Wrestling Competition! We're about to start the third round of the first stage, the "Jello Wrestling Stage"! The winners in this stage, of course, will go on to the next round, the "Chocolate Pudding" stage, and then the "Whipped Cream" stage! And then the ten finalists will go on to the "Mud Wrestling Battle Royal", where they all will battle it out in a giant contest to see who'll....come out on top," the announcer grinned seductively. "Our competitors are getting themselves ready to jump back into the ring again!"

The camera panned to a shot of women using garden hoses to clean each other off, giggling and wiggling suggestively. The camera then moved back to the announcer.

"Before we begin the next round, your friends in Altanar would like to remind you to vote for the Liberal Party....unless, of course, you're some kind of Conservative weirdo who doesn't like seeing beautiful women in skimpy outfits having fun. Because if the Conservatives win, this is the only outfit you'll be seeing women wear..."

Several images of women in full-length burqas and veils parade across the screen.

"...and the only wrestling they'll be doing will be taking those grain sacks off and putting them on," the announcer giggled. "Nothing like what I'm wearing," she purred, rubbing herself seductively, "because those Conservatives can't handle seeing a real woman. They don't have the...stamina," she cooed. "And now, we're ready to start the third round!" she finished, jumping excitedly in the air, ample assets bouncing enthusiastically.

Early one morning somewhere deep in the foreign ministry

Minister, we are receiving some disturbing reports about the Kennyite election. It seems that the Liberals are in danger of loosing.

Damn. This could be a complete disaster. We can't allow a bunch of hippies to gain control of one of the region's most influential nations. What are our options?

Well sir, you know the Emperor's policy. Officially we have none.

And unofficially?

Well for now we are really limited to cash "donations". With a bit more time we could probably come up with something a bit more direct.

I thought as much. Let me make a call.

Askold, I've got a question for you. How much hard cash is in the vaults right now?

What country? I need it for Omigodtheykilledkenny... That little, I was hoping for more. It's untraceable right? Don't get offended I had to ask. Get it ready for transport and I'll send someone over to pick it up. Thanks.

Turning back to his assistant the minister explains the situation

All right, here's the plan, take the cash to Paradise City and deliver it to the Conservatives headquarters. It's not as much as I hoped only about 9 million tree-fiddies but I'm sure they can find a use for it, and while there give them this phone number in case they want help from our direct action teams.

Later that afternoon in Paradise City and unremarkable man with a large duffle bag over on shoulder walks into the Headquarters of the Conservative party and heads to the front desk

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm visiting from out of town and some friends of mine heard that your party could use some help in the elections so they sent this gift. Also I was told to deliver this phone number in case and other assistance was needed.

Depositing the duffel bag and a small piece of paper with the phone number in question the man quickly leaves the building

Kendra Holloway: You're watching Fox News NS, your source for Fair and Balanced News, and more exposed boobies per capita than any other news channel. I'm Kendra Holloway in Paradise City, where we are following a late-breaking development in the OMGTKK congressional race. The Conservative Party today admitted accepting an illegal TRFD$9 million donation from an anonymous benefactor. An audit revealed the money came from a foreign nation, in violation of campaign-finance laws. The national chairman of the Conservatives announced the donation had been returned. Will this have an impact on the election, or is it too late to have an effect? Pollster Frank Luntz has been talking with a panel of undecided senior voters about this electrifying scandal. Frank?

Frank Luntz: Yes, Kendra. I'm out here at the Great Lands Retirement Village in Montecegra, Fleurdelisia, speaking with senior voters who have not yet decided which party they're voting for in Tuesday's elections. I can't tell you the level of interest I've been seeing here as a result of this campaign-finance story. Some are angry, some concerned, some skeptical, but the bottom line is, voters are more excited about the elections and engaged in the political process than ever, as can be seen in the faces of the seniors with me today.

[He designates about a dozen or so decrepit old folks seated behind him, all slumped over their tables, snoring. Luntz pulls out an air horn and sounds it loudly. The voters jerk suddenly from their slumber, murmuring unpleasantly. Two or three of them shout "Bingo!"]

Frank Luntz: It's OK, folks. Just a harmless toy. Now Mr. Stetson, I wanted to go back to what you were saying before about how the campaign-finance scandal has made you angrier at the Conservatives than at any point in this long campaign ...

Mr. Stetson: Who is this guy?

Old Man #1: Yeah, who is this freak?

Old Lady #1: I think he's the man who directs our arts and crafts time. Where are our supplies, mister?

Frank Luntz: No, I'm not in charge of arts and crafts. I'm Frank Luntz, I'm a pollster, and I've been speaking to all of you about the elections. I'm certain you all are well aware of the Niflheim Affair by now ...

Mr. Stetson: Nippleheim?! Is that President Fernanda acting up again?

Frank Luntz: No--

Old Lady #2: That Fernanda guy is out of control! He's the one who keeps getting caught with his pants down with all those slutty foreign "ambassadors," right? I won't let my granddaughter join the Diplomatic Service! The man's an animal!

Frank Luntz: Well, actually ...

Old Lady #3: Oh, I agree! I hear he sexually harassed a nun!

Frank Luntz: ... a nun? ...

Old Lady #4: My friend in the Lakeside Home told me he visited there for some campaign event, and he got so drunk that he started table-dancing right there in the rec room! Oh, it sounded awful!

Frank Luntz: Um--

Old Lady #1: He sexually harassed me when I went to Paradise City to see my nieces! I was standing at a street corner, waiting for the "Walk" signal, and he comes up to me and offers to hold my hand and help me cross!

[Several of the woman gasp in horror.]

Frank Luntz: ... Well, let's get back to the ...

Old Lady #2: Impeach the monster!!

Frank Luntz: Alright, let's forget the Niflheim Affair for now ...

Mr. Stetson: Well, you brought it up!

Frank Luntz: I know, but let's leave it aside for now and come back to it later. Glenda, I believe you were telling me before about ...

Glenda: My name's Bertie.

Frank Luntz: Uhh, a moment ago you were Glenda.

Glenda: I think I remember my own name, young man! Now what do you want?

Frank Luntz: Alright then, Bertie. Tell me again what you were saying before about the campaign ads?

[A pause.]

Frank Luntz: Bertie?

[Silence.]

Frank Luntz: Bertie?

Glenda: Who are you talking to?!

Frank Luntz: I'm talking to you. You were saying before about how the campaign ads this year have been very persuasive ...

Glenda: Oh, yes! I especially like all the ones with the big yellow bird and the old green guy in the garbage can! You know, the ones sponsored by the letter "K"?

Frank Luntz: Uh, no ... I think you're talking about a children's educational program.

Old Lady #2: Well, they're better than all those beer commercials with guys lazing around on the beach and big-breasted girls in bikinis shaking their goods everywhere ...

Frank Luntz: No, no ... those, I think, are the campaign spots.

[Excited murmuring amongst the old folks.]

Glenda: Is that what are tax dollars paying for?!

Frank Luntz: OK, so you can see here: undecided voters, doing their best to come to an educated decision on whom to vote for this coming Tuesday. Back to you, Kendra.

[Office of Senator John Thorne, Paradise City, Omigodtheykilledkenny]

The senator's aid poked his head nervously through the door, and said, "Um, sir...I know this is your designated do-not-disturb-me-while-I'm-watching-TV hour, but I'm afraid you have some visitors."

The Kennyite senator glared at his underling and shot back, "Well, send them packing. Can't a man get a moment's peace?"

The aide shifted from one foot to the other, and said, "Sir...I think this is important."

"More important than 'Talking Heads Tonight?'"

"umm...I think so..." As the senator's aide stammered, suddenly the door opened wider and five individuals strode in.

Thorne glared at the frankly bizarre group marching into his office. Two of them caught the old man's eye immediately--quite shapely females dressed in brightly colored outfits that vaguely resembled a Japanese school uniform. They walked in, bowing deeply, and ritually lowered the small wooden mallets that they carried. Behind them and flanking them were two men, dressed head-to-toe in black, the unmistakeable uniform of ninja. They stood stiff and silently, their eyes darting back and forth around the room. Between the four walked in the apparent leader of the group, a thirty-something man wearing a formal robe cut in Oriental fashion.

"What is this, some sort of joke?" Senator Thorne began to ask. "Halloween isn't for another two months, people..."

The leader of the small delegation bowed deeply, and said, "In the Name of the Eternal Kawaii, may the Cute One be praised. Senator Thorne-san, I bring greetings from my father, the Patriarch of the Wood Rat Clan. He has given me leave to speak with you about a matter of mutual importance."

Senator Thorne's face paled, and he said slowly, "oh...my...god...you're from those maniacs floating out in the harbor. How the hell did you get into my office?!?!"

The Kawaiian patriarchal delegate bowed again, and said, "It was with much difficulty, Senator-san. I apologize for our abrupt arrival, but we must speak with you." Glancing at the two black-clad individuals near him, he added, "...alone."

The two ninja walked back to the door, politely "escorting" the Senator's aide outside and shutting it in his face. Senator Thorne walked back over to his desk, thinking of the silent alarm he had installed. "Well...what do you want? And why aren't you talking to Secretary Tehrani; wasn't he making some kind of arrangements to deal with you people?"

"Indeed, Senator-san, and it is about those arrangements that my father wished to discuss," the Patriarchal delegate said calmly. "He has been following your nation's TV programs with some interest. Particularly these things you call 'elections'. We understand that your people apparently choose your leaders, rather than obeying the words of your elders? And the person chosen is the one who gets the most people behind them?"

Senator Thorne looked at the Kawaiian blankly. Damned primitives, he thought. Speaking slowly, so as to humor the foreigner, he said, "Yes....it's called 'democracy', son, something you're apparently not aware of."

The delegate bowed and said, "The Prophet has said that it is the will of the Cute One that our people shall live among people with strange ways. I am correct then, Senator-san, when I say that you are not of the ruling class here, and that this upcoming 'election' may change that?"

"Hopefully. You're learning fast, kid. Yes, if the elections go well I'll be heading up the new Congress. That blowhard President Fernanda will have a lot to answer for, then."

"Assuming, Senator-san, that you win these elections. And for that, you will need people to...'cast their vote', I believe the phrase is?"

Senator Thorne looked at the Kawaiian delegate with dawning awareness. He said slowly, "How many people are you talking about?"

The Kawaiian delegate said, "There are about 25,000 adult Kawaiians aboard our flotilla."

"Adult aliens you mean, and unless Tehrani's pulling some kind of bullshit on us, non-voting ones. Just what does your Patriarch have in mind?"

"According to a message from our Nuncia at the UN, the Secretary has offered us sanctuary and resettlement in Kenny Memorial District. However, he has been somewhat...vague...on the terms of this resettlement. My father has voiced concern that your people's government may not respect our people's desire for autonomy.

"Let me speak plainly, sir. We lack confidence in the government of President Fernanda to deal with our people fairly. If you, however, are willing to work to grant us the autonomy we desire, our peoples' 'votes' as you call them, will be at your disposal. I am sure you would be able to find a way to make them count."

Sen. Thorne had to smile at patriarchal delegate's zeal. Was he so adamant about a Liberal victory that he actually assumed the party couldn't win legally? His kinsfolk certainly were naive about "these things you call 'elections,'" especially the part about voter fraud being expressly frowned upon. Still, he met the envoy's proposition with a friendly laugh.

"Let me assure you," he said, "we share your discontentment with the Fernanda regime, and its inability to do ... practically anything really. But unfortunately your efforts are wasted, as Paradise City doesn't even elect members of Congress; only voters in the sovereign states have that entitlement. It's a little wrinkle in our election laws that we in Liberal Party are intent upon changing."

He leaned closer to his guest. "But I can tell you in no uncertain terms, the Liberals will win the upcoming contest, and we'll do so fairly and legitimately. Our strong desire to better protect the rights of all minorities, and all immigrant communities, in the Federal Republic will not be shaken, either by Fernanda's thugs currently in office, or by the members of the press, who will certainly hound my office with impunity once news of this little meeting gets out."

He was mildly satisfied with his response to the Kawaiian delegation, giving them strong assurances that he was open to the concerns of immigrant communities, yet stopping short of endorsing autonomy. Surely no one in the government, of either party, would allow such a radical notion to come to the table.

Graciously, Thorne rose from his chair and rounded his desk, leading the visitors to a side door. "Shall we continue our conversation in the parlor?" he offered. "We'll drink to our impending victory! What do you take?"

"My friends, the election in the Federal Republic is, of course, an important issue. Being regional leaders, the Kennyites are the most important government connected to ours." Grand Librarian Arta-Nan-Mab said as he addressed the Tuhran Bel. "Other nations have attempted to influence the vote in the Federal Republic, most notably the Kawaiian refugees (which happen to be the subject of our next debate), the Altanari, and the Palentiners. Even our own monumentally incompetent foreign minister has attempted to influence the election, but it is highly likely that no one saw the dispatch as it is highly unlikely that anyone in the Federal Republic can read."

"Therefore, I put to this Bel the debate- should we influence the elections in Omigodtheykilledkenny, and if so, which party should gain our support?"

Many voices rose up and many of the Bel members stood to be recognized.

"Archivist Lamsar of Meerming, Sring Issa."

"Thank you, Librarian. It is our solemn duty, my fellow Shahry, to stick our noses into the business of another nation, solely for our own enrichment! Think about it- if we play our cards right and get a president friendly to us elected, then we can reap the benefits of the cronyism!"

Shouting from some Bel members, but not many.

"Recordmaster Nashaj, Arbada, Allasha."

"I cannot say that I support such foreign inveiglements! What if we become beholden to some foreign power?"

Shouting, en mass.

"Librarian Tonjum, Pholimjung, Bae."

"Of course, any foreign powers that have interests in Snefaldia have to answer to us. And, I highly doubt that while we hold the oversight, any improper deals will happen. I therefore move vote in support of interfering with the independent elections of a firendly foreign power!"

The vote came out in favor, not surprisingly.

"Loremaster Yann, Stardeath Gorge, Dayan."

"Clearly, the Conservatives, despite their vaunted status as rightists, are incapable of controlling the sinful antics of their president! Even though they're dumb, the Kennyites seem to dislike the fact that their president is a misogynous womanizer hypocrite. The Liberals are clearly a party that supports moral reform and stability!"

"Mother Superior Mary Williamson, Chonduck, Neer Dal."

"Of course you'd say that, you repressive fuckwad! I say that the Conservatives are the best- they pretend to be morally upstanding while canoodling with their secretaries and taking monstrous bribes from Big Business! How would the Liberals be open to such graft and interference! Not much, I can tell you that much! The Conservatives are the best way to advance our interests in Kenny- their moral laxness makes them prefect!"

Shouts of support.

"Vote! Vote! Vote!"

"All in favor? And opposed. Well, clearly those opposed have a stick up their collective asses. In any case, it is decided that this Bel will suppor the Conservative party of the Federal Republic. I am authorizing a wire of five-million tree-fiddy to the Conservative party to this end."

Later...

"Therefore, I move that the people of the village of Trn Darrd should be branded as heretics and expelled from the country because they were mean to me. Oh... and, I don't know, maybe...they burned a copy of the Medrahov. Yeah, that's it."

"Thank you, Archivist Kwell, for that entirely useless and self-serving motion veiled in religious fervor. All in favor? All opposed. Motion carries. Army forces will evict the Trn Darrdians and burn their homes. Next item: A motion by Librarian Dreth-al-man to supply the administration of Manuelo Fernanda with 100 kilos of blow, 100 pounds of marijuana, and three female personal trainers of questionable morals and "training." This, pursuant to the previously agreed amount of 5 million tree-fiddy in support of the Conservative party."

"Amendment! Amendment!"

"What amendment shall be made?"

"We give them the money, and if he wins, we give him the bribe! What's the point if that prick Thorne wins, and Fernanded get both our bud and our bitches, praise Aatem Nal!?"

"All in favor? Amendment made."

OOC: There seems to be a misunderstanding about these races, and since you're not the first to be affected by it, let just stress for the record that these are congressional elections, not presidential ones. The legislature and the executive are separate entities in OMGTKK's government. These are what you'd call midterm elections, or congressional races that occur midway through the president's term in office. But as these elections are viewed by many as a referendum on Fernanda's performance in office, most of your remarks are relevant. Also, as it has already been pointed out in this topic, accepting foreign donations is illegal. So you can expect some clueless secretary to take the dough, only to have the higher-ups to get wind of it later, and then graciously return your generous TRFD$2 million donation. :D

IC remarks later.

Edit: I've also learned that I may be rather busy with RL stuff on Tuesday, the scheduled date for the elections. I'll try to have Election Night updates for that evening, but if not, after-the-fact reporting will be posted later in the week. Apologies.

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LIBERALS SEIZE CONTROL OF CONGRESS

PARADISE CITY --- In a rebuke to the Fernanda Administration's perceived mishandlings of the War on Terror, and repeated scandals (most of them involving sex in some way), Kennyite voters awarded the opposition Liberal Party majorities in both houses of Congress Tuesday, turning many of the president's fellow Conservative incumbents out of office.

Early returns Wednesday morning showed Liberals appeared to win 401 seats in the 750-member Federal Assembly, leaving Conservatives with just 340, and several races still too close to call. Two other seats were won by independents. In the Senate, where parties vied for control of nine out of 25 state delegations, Liberals picked up five states, for a 16-9 split.

In all, 20 Liberals had won or were winning their respective Senate races Wednesday morning; Conservatives just 12. As each state gets only one vote in the upper chamber of Congress, control is determined by which party holds majorities in most of the state delegations.

An enraged President Fernanda vowed "revenge" in a Wednesday morning news conference, claiming that the results "clearly show that the Federal Republic is now a haven for terrorists and evildoers," and "must be liberated." The president was about to announce a "major military offensive" to quell the "new terrorist regime" in Congress, when Secretary of State Alex Tehrani suddenly appeared behind him and rendered him unconscious with a rag soaked in chloroform.

Fernanda supposedly had been playing pranks on Liberals all through election night, including signing an executive order forcing all Liberal congressman-elect to drop their pants and do the chicken dance while singing "Camptown Races" at the opening of the next Congress.

The president also ordered a group of schoolchildren to stand outside the local campaign offices of Liberal Assemblyman-elect Gus Wheatley -- a municipal bus driver who accused the Fernanda Administration of neglecting the nation's transportation infrastructure -- and sing "The Wheels on the Bus" until Wheatley tragically lost his mind.

Police said Wednesday morning that they were investigating a mysterious delivery of 100 foot-long beef franks to Assemblywoman-elect Juanita Horalota, L-Xt'Kalifia, who had criticized the president for his many sex scandals, even though she wouldn't exactly be caught wearing white on her own wedding day, if you know what we mean. Though Horalota had already hungrily devoured half the hot dogs when the police arrived, she told them she suspected Frowning Street involvement.

The incidents prompted a defiant response from presumptive Assembly Speaker-elect John Hankley, L-Thorland. "We will not be cowed into retreat," Hankley said during his victory speech Tuesday night. "We only do that with terrorists." The assemblyman pledged to take the president to the Supreme Court if need be to overturn his suspect executive orders.

However, the Supreme Court is out of commission for the moment, that is until the chief justice regains his wits and stops insisting that all legal arguments be presented as kabuki plays.

The prevalence of hot-button issues such as the administration's "botched" invasions of Chechnya and Tiki Taki wasn't the only thing driving the Liberal victory march: transportation also proved a stealth issue in Tuesday's elections, especially after an eight-mile, federally managed stretch of freeway, constructed shortly after Fernanda came to office, collapsed in Colorado. It wasn't even a bridge; the Earth just seemed to swallow the freeway whole.

A slate of Colorado Liberals for the Senate, led by anti-whaling lobbyist Jack Gnight, won as a result, despite assurances from federal transportation engineers that they would test the integrity of ice shelves before building highways on them from now on. Gnight was unavailable for comment on his ouster of long-serving Colorado Sen. Nighthorse Johnson, having chosen election night to chase down a WhaleCo Global LLC (www.nationstates.net/whaleco_global_llc) whaling vessel with a Greenpeace banner.

Massive congestion on federal highways was enough to drive Greg Lukis, C-Chocolate Salty Is., from his Assembly seat. Lukis was notorious for sponsoring numerous "pork-barrel" transportation earmarks in federal appropriations. He is to be replaced by Liberal Bootsy Barnes, former billboard model.

In response to victories by Barnes, Gnight and Wheatley, Fernanda angrily ordered California State Highway 101 and Interstate 405 to be transferred to OMGTKK, brick by brick. "They think traffic's bad now, just you wait!" the president reportedly told an aid.

None of this, however, will stop Liberals from seizing the gavel in both legislative chambers later this year and advancing their agenda, administration officials privately conceded. Chief among their concerns is the possible reopening of impeachment proceedings against the president in the Assembly Judiciary Committee, which were closed during the invasion of Chechnya in Feb. 2006. Speaker-elect Hankley has refused to state whether he will allow such a motion to proceed to the floor.

The fate of federal appointees poses another problem for Fernanda and his administration. Cdr. Jenny Chiang's term as acting ambassador to the United Nations expires in just a few weeks, and she lacks fans in the newly elected Senate Liberal Caucus. Her threat to torture senators until they agree to support her nomination has not switched many votes, either. "I think we're all a little tired of that joke by now," said Sen. Nancy Burrows, L-Graceland.

Asked who would likely be named to replace Chiang this month, Tehrani would only cackle evilly.

Ariddia congratulates Liberals

Ariddian Ambassador Jane Ranomezanjanahary-Souvanhnavongsa-Fincfeuiaki (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Jane_Ranomezanjanahary-Souvanhnavongsa-Fincfeuiaki) issued a brief statement, on behalf of her government, congratulating the winners of the OMGTKK congressional elections.

"Ariddia wishes the Federal Congress well in tackling the various issues which confront Omigodtheykilledkenny," the statement read.

Ambassador Ranomezanjanahary also urged President Fernanda to establish a "good, constructive working relationship with the new congressional majority, for the good of all Kennyites".

Altanar International Media Service
Morning news broadcast

In international news, His Majesty's Government today praised the victory of the Liberal Party in the recent Congressional elections in Omigodtheykilledkenny.

"We are pleased to see that the electorate of OMGTKK has made the choice that they have, and hope that everyone in the Federal Congress works together and promotes positive leadership in OMGTKK. The government of Altanar looks forward to working with this new Congress, and we hope for stronger and improved relations with OMGTKK," acting Prime Minister Jaris Krytellin said in a brief statement.

In a related story, the fallout in Altanar itself over a "wrestling tournament" political ad that ran on this network in OMGTKK during the run-up to the elections continues to rain down. Both womens' rights groups and the Islamic church in Altanar are demanding an investigation into the ad. Womens' groups claim the ad was demeaning to women; Islamic clerics are upset that the ad, in their words, "insulted and demeaned the faith of Islam and violated the supposed freedom of religion guarantee of the Altanari Constitution". The government denied any knowledge of the ad's source, and stated that there will be a "full investigation" into the matter.

The Courier-Sarge, Sargedain's largest bagura-language newspaper, carried this story relating to the Liberal victory in the Kennyite congress:

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SARGEDAIN- The victory of the Liberal party in the Kennyite congressional elections spells difficulties for the administration of Manuelo Fernanda and his conservative powerbase, but the Tuhran Bel, which offered their support to the conservative party during the elections, is not overly concerned about the state of affairs in the Federal Republic.

Surprisingly, the Bel took steps to reverse their earlier declarations of support for the conservatives by publishing a legal decree indicating the "desire of the Tuhran Bel to allow foreign nations the freest latitude in deciding their own governments as is possible. We shall not interfere, through physical or other means, with the independent elections of foreign powers."

Possible fear over Kennyite repercussions may have prompted the Bel to make its decree. However things go, the relations with the Federal Republic are believed to be new enough to warrant special attention, and even though the Bel has pledged not to interfere in foreign nations, it is unlikely that the Bel-Ha'ad will be turning a blind eye to the Kennyites anytime soon.

Nergal-shari-usur
Courier-Sarge