NationStates Jolt Archive

Welcome to the all new and shiny relaunch of the Lancre Cup! Roll up, roll up!

A competition with a long and glorious history, the past few attempts to stage the cup have been thwarted due to a string of unfortunate occurrences. Although most pundits attribute the problems to a diverse range of logistical factors, one or two of the more astute observers noted the presence of a little man in a bowler hat in the background of many photos of the unfolding catastrophes. For this reason, a ban on little men was proposed. However this was considered extreme, and a ban on bowler hats has therefore been declared instead.

THE RULES

1. All participating nations must have joined Lancre by the 10th of August to start the competition. Nations who leave (or cease to exist) during the Cup will be withdrawn, and their places offered to any newcomers. Participation isn't compulsory for Lancre nations - if you want to sit in a corner of the playground and cry by yourself, just say.

2. This year's Cup is hosted by Rachel's Insanity, referees from the RI national league will be used for all matches. Their decision is final and cannot be overruled. Not even by waving pointy things at them. Anyone whining about this will be sent to bed with no tea.

3. As stated above, all bowler hats are banned from the grounds. Gentlemen may leave these with Jeeves, in the cloakroom.

4. Each team is free to submit a team sheet with details of their players etc. Teams should also designate their favourite tactic (in the past these have included ninjas, pirates, invisible players and a Slimy Thing). Teams who are too dull or stupid to have tactics will be taught something by the RI coaching team during the pre-match training.

5. Scoring in matches is calculated by an incredibly complicated formula involving the rolling of dice and the tossing of a coin. Don't ask me to explain, you'll understand it when you're old enough, dear.

6. Although Lancre football does traditionally tend to be slightly rougher than elsewhere, the killing of too many bystanders is frowned upon. Unless they are wearing bowler hats.

Let the pre-cup hype, training, rumour and match-fixing discussions begin!

Only a few days left to sign up for the Cup! The deadline is the 10th, when the initial rounds will be announced. There will be a day or two for teams to assemble at the correct stadium and finalise their teamsheets and last minute training, before the first round kicks off. Don't forget to nominate a special tactic too. And now, over to Gary Ponsonby, RI's finest football pundit:


Yes, thank you Larry, we're here at the Grand Central Stadium, to give you an update on the latest gossip coming out of the training sessions. Teams are beginning to assemble, already a large contingent of Roman Gladiators have arrived from Bla alb. Although rumour has it that they have yet to begin training, reports of spontaneous arguments breaking out about the fullness of glasses have been blamed on early conversations with the Seiloa team. Seiloa were too busy flipping burgers to comment.

And what of the home team? Rachel's Insanity is still reeling at the news about the fate of the previous team, last seen being fed canapés by a little man in a bowler hat shortly before the demise of the last cup. The only team member to survive unscathed was the goalie, Crazy Pete, who had been away watering his knitting needle collection. The residents of RI were seen tearing their hair and wailing when it was announced Crazy Pete was stepping into the breach and coaching a fresh team. Presumably they were overcome by joy at his survival and gutsy return to football, although it is also rumoured that the odds of RI winning the cup have been placed lower by RI bookies than by any other nations.

Meanwhile, sightings of a flock of predatory flying machines have slightly alarmed RI residents, and most definitely alarmed the remainder of the local squirrel population. It is unclear if this is related to the cup, but RI officials are looking into the strange request from The Godly State of Hutties that all their team rooms should have skylights.

We will be back tomorrow, bringing more updates on the Cup preparations. This is Gary Ponsonby, for Rachel's Insanity News.

This Cup see's the greatly-awaited return of the synthetic Slimy Thing ©. Sporting three more Stabby-Tentacles than previous incarnations, this generation of the Slimy Thing are genetically created to feel maternally enraged whenever a member of an opposing team touches the football. Unfortunately, no level of "success" was reached during testing- the Slimy Things would simply let loose a high pitch screech before pouncing on the offender.

To hold the team together (both figuratively and, in some cases, literally), the goalie will once again be (the fan favourite) George, a trundling behemoth of steel, treads and a rather spiffy Fez.

My team is a bunch of troops that tend to kill the opposition before they leave their locker room. Any survivors are killed on the field and the net has an impentrable force field over the net. They are under orders to set off a nuclear bomb in the stadium in event of a loss.

My team is a bunch of troops that tend to kill the opposition before they leave their locker room. Any survivors are killed on the field and the net has an impentrable force field over the net. They are under orders to set off a nuclear bomb in the stadium in event of a loss.

Well, thank god the Seiloan team includes several giant cockroaches, then. They used to be ducks, but were kidnapped for a secret military project before such projects were banned. Consequently, however, they have excellent reflexes and are among our best burger-flippers.

The team from Tonca, lacking little beyond adequate football skills, is yet again relying on their secret weapon - a litter of six week old kittens. This has proven an effective strategy in previous Cups. At an appropriate time in the match, the kittens are released onto the field, distracting the opposition team who can't resist stopping for cuddles from such cute, purring little bundles of joy...

The Toncan players aren't distracted by this ploy as they have been desensitised by living with the kittens for the last six weeks. After changing kitty litter, having their shoelaces eaten and kittens crawling over their faces in bed every night, the Toncan players really don't understand why anyone would think the kittens are quite so cute...

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! This is Gary Ponsonby, reporting live from the Grand Central Stadium in The Rogue Nation of Rachel's Insanity! Cup fever is mounting in RI, as teams from all over Lancre amass ready for the start of the games. The first round draw will be announced tomorrow, with a few days last-minute training for teams to adapt their tactics to suit their opponents, before kickoff on monday.

Here at the stadium, the ground staff are putting finishing touches to the pitch, and preparing for the opening ceremony. This extravaganza will include a parade of flightless hippos in honour of Lancre's glorious founder, followed by the obligatory gaggle of schoolchildren in traditional dress (complete with ornamental knitting needles). It was also proposed that a parade of RI's national animal should follow the schoolchildren, however it became clear during rehearsals that waiting for the sloths to make it round the stadium would delay kickoff for at least three weeks.

Behind the scenes, training by many of the teams is in full swing, with the practice grounds resembling a cross between a particularly chaotic menagerie and an international arms fair. But, with the fist round ties waiting to be announced, rumours of corruption are already circulating! Accusations of bribery have been levelled at the RI referees, amid reports of overheard conversations with various managers wishing to tweak the fixtures list in their favour.

Dave Sproggarty, chief of the RI Football Association, made an official statement a few minutes ago. "I can understand that some teams may not wish to face George and the Slimy Things in their first (and probably only) match, but I'm afraid it is just the luck of the draw. RI's officials and referees have no intention of allowing bribery and corruption during the cup. 'Gifts' of chocolate, wibbles and beer, on the other hand, will of course be gratefully accepted, and should be left with the gate steward along with your team list. But they won't affect the outcome at all. Oh no."

At this point, Mr Sproggarty seemed to develop a distinct twitch in his left eye, and was lead away giggling. We will bring you more updates on the Cup as they arrive. This is Gary Ponsonby, reporting for RI News.

Since we don't have exactly 16 (or 32) nations in Lancre, there will be an incomplete qualifying round, to weed the teams down to 16 for the first full round.

First round (incomplete) - Matches on Monday

GNY - Seiloa
Butlers - Dissentoria
Voltana - SAF
RI - Frinshack
Hutties - Moon Sun

Straight on to next round:
Carpets
Macrauchenia
Scolodra
Godleygods
Zax was here
Troon
Austria Prussia
Dregruk
Bla Alb
Dregruk Empire
Tonca

GNY Embassy 4 - Seiloa 5

Gales of laughter greeted the team from The Greater Nova York States of GNY Embassy as they ran onto the pitch wearing plastic helmets and enormous shoulder pads, accompanied by cheerleaders yelling things about touchdowns. Evidently something had been lost in translation. It was explained to them that Lancre played the kind of football which involved kicking the ball with one's foot, as the name suggested, instead of picking it up and throwing it around. The Seiloan team helpfully pointed out that we have a similar game named rugby, which is played "without being wrapped up in helmets and cotton wool". Fearing a diplomatic incident might ensue, the referee allowed the GNY Embassy team to wear their padding for the match, and offered to turn a blind eye to tackling of players. This resulted in a bloody match, with several Seiloan players having their half-full glasses broken over their heads and burgers shoved up their noses. The shear violence of the GNY Embassy team managed to score them four goals, but unfortunately their inability to understand the concept of goalie meant they conceded five.

Voltana 2 - SAF 4

After the bloody spectacle of the first match, the crowd were bemused to see the entire Voltana team enter the stadium in drag, complete with pretty pink handbags, stockings and suspenders. The team from SAF were equally bemused, but rather distracted by their attempts to subdue the large bear playing in midfield. Pacified by the remains of several burgers left behind by Seiloa, Cuddles was little help in the first half, while the Voltanan team successfully seduced the SAF goalie by flashing their suspenders and distracted him enough to get a goal in. However during the second half the tables turned, when Cuddles ran out of burgers and started on the Voltanan strikers. Several tripped over their handbags in their haste to escape, and were devoured mid-pitch, although one of the maulings was ruled offside and Voltana scored from the resulting penalty. Full and contented, Cuddles then curled up to sleep in front of the SAF goal, and the Voltanan team had insufficient limbs to prevent SAF scoring four goals.

Rachels Insanity 5 - Frinshack 4

The third match was the only one of the cup matches not to attract a sell out crowd, while the Frinshack sections were packed to the rafters, the RI crowd consisted of a few grannies (thought to be relatives of team members) and a small flock of enterprising fourteen-year-old boys who had been hoping to sell lemonade on the sidewalk. The spectacular lack of RI turnout was officially explained by mutterings about a clash with a crisis meeting of the local squirrel appreciation group. Reports that numerous high-profile members of RI's government and celebrity circle had been spotted in the Frinshack stands hiding their faces behind Frinshack scarves were strenuously denied. The Frinshack team fought a bloody first half, with their team mascot, the enraged buzzard, refusing to leave the field and stop harassing players. With the score four nil to Frinshack at the beginning of the second half, the RI seats were becoming denuded even of lemonade sellers. However the RI captain, Crazy Pete, remembered he had forgotten to water his knitting needle collection, and dashed off the field. One man down, the RI team recovered slightly and scored four goals before Crazy Pete returned, waving a knitting needle. While attempting to show it his knitting needle, Crazy Pete also managed to fatally impale the enraged buzzard, and the Frinshack team turned on poor Pete. While most of his team mates stood cheering Frinshack on, the RI goalie absentmindedly kicked the ball right up the pitch into Frinshack's goal, making the final score five four to RI. The RI end of the ground (now mysteriously populated by people stuffing Frinshack scarves into their pockets) arose and cheered as a battered Crazy Pete was stretchered out of the stadium.

Hutties 2 - Moon with the Sun 0

The match began with a complaint from the Moon with the Sun team, namely that they couldn't play in cloudy conditions for religious reasons, and only on days where astronomical conditions were such that both the moon and sun be visible at all times. This was hastily forgotten when the striker noticed he was being stalked velociraptor-style by a couple of the Hutties team of predatory flying machines. Running in blind fear across the pitch, still holding the ball he had ready for kickoff, he blundered towards the Moon with the Sun goal, and was knocked in by the force of their attack. As other players fled, the rest of the Hutties team dive bombed anything which moved, including the ball. One of the predatory machines attempted to eat it, and Hutties claimed a second goal when the choking creature flew into the Moon with the Sun goal and lynched itself in the netting.



With the results from the qualifying phase, the first round match schedule will now be:

Tuesday:
Carpets - Pretentious Butlers
Seiloa - Scolodra
Godleygods - Dissentoria
SAF - Zax

Wednesday:
Troon - Austria Prussia
Dregruk - Bla Alb
Empire - Rachel's Insanity
Hutties - Tonca

Inoffensive Carpets 4 - Pretentious Butlers 2

The first full round of the Lancre Cup kicked off with Carpets versus Butlers, with echos of an age-old struggle fought mostly with brooms and hoovers. Pretentious Butlers won the toss, but unfortunately manners prevailed, and they allowed Carpets to start. Carpets scored two while the opposition was ironing the newspaper and polishing the silver. However the Butlers' knack of appearing instantly where needed, without having been seen to move, allowed them a goal just before half time. A second goal followed once play resumed, as the Carpets goalie was distracted by having his post presented to him on a silver tray. However, the rules of etiquette being older than the rules of football, Butlers let in two more goals in the name of politeness.

Seiloa 5 - Scolodra 0

Seiloa gained early crowd support by flipping free burgers into the stands. The crowd then antagonised the Scolodra team, driving them into a fury, and meaning half their players disappeared into the stands for a fight. The remaining Scolodra players somewhat despondently attempted to stop Seiloa scoring, but were further distracted by the Seiloan defenders trying to cheer them up by pointing out the glass was half full. Meanwhile, Seiloa scored five goals, and Scolodra sulked.

Godleygods 5 - Dissentoria 1

Although weather forecasts for the day had been good, the Dissentoria star striker was knocked out by a bolt of lightning as he marched onto the pitch. The Godleygods team commiserated with their opponents on such an unlucky event, but the referee noted a smug grin on the face of Thor, Godleygod's right back, as a second Dissentoria player was struck down. Dissentoria scored a quick goal, but this merely roused the anger of the Godleygod's goalie, Mars, who started slaughtering the Dissentoria attack. The defenders were all drunk by this point, having been partying with Bacchus, and Godleygods scored five goals, before Apollo had to leave to go and make the sun set.

SAF 3 - Zax 4

The SAF coach had decided on the unusual tactic of actually having a team who were good at football, and there was much mockery of the Zax team in the tunnel when they admitted to having been up until 5am drinking and playing silly pranks, and were mostly still drunk as skunks. Unfortunately when the teams ran out it became obvious that one of the drunken pranks had involved swapping the SAF goal posts for a small picnic hamper. Anxious to get the game over and done with so he could return to nursing his hangover, the referee declared the hamper could function as a goal, and the game commenced. The SAF team wowed the crowd with their effortless passes and skilful dribbling. The Zax team amused the crowd by passing out and dribbling, and the goalie curled up in the hamper and went to sleep. This made it hard for SAF to score, because it required their entire team to lift the hamper to tip him out before a goal could be scored. They managed this feat three times, despite the goalie's huge pot belly. However while they were doing this, one of the Zax players mistook the ball for aspirin, and wandered off into the SAF goal with it. Later in the game, another Zax player curled in the SAF goal for a nap, using the ball as a pillow. Two more goals were scored by Zax, although the players concerned couldn't remember how they'd done it, or what their own names were.

Testing, 1, :fluffle: , 2, :headbang: , 3, :gundge:

Testing is complete.

If you can read this, testing was a success.

The RI cup officials have remained remarkably silent in response to media questions about the recent delays to the match schedule. A flurry of reports about bowler hat sightings was strenuously denied, however RI's equivalent of the SAS have been spotted roaming the rooftops with sniper guns looking scared. However, the matches have now resumed, amid even tighter hat inspections.


Troon 1 - Austria 2

Austria Prussia started their attack early, by murdering the Troon team in their locker room before the match. Ever the good sportsmen, Troon's coaches decided it would be a jolly shame to concede the match and deprive their fans of a day out, and nabbed a new team from amongst the spectators. The first half saw Austria Prussia score two goals, despite being outplayed at almost every turn. The Troon team performed remarkably well considering they'd never played together before, indeed they had possession far more and would have scored six or seven goals had it not been for the force field over the Austria Prussia net. At half time the Austria Prussia team worked out Troon's tactic of placing ringers in the locker room and hiding their ace team in the stands, and went in once more to massacre most of the real team. The coach and manager took to the field for the second half. Sadly the Austria Prussia players had forgotten to move the forcefield when they changed ends, with the result that it was now impossible for them to score any more goals. Troon nipped in a quick goal while they were arguing about whose fault that was, although didn't manage to score again to equalise.


Dregruk 3 - Bla Alb 0

The match began with an argument over the number of players allowed in the Bla Alb team, with the team fielding eleven Roman gladiators and the number twelve. Upon inspection it became apparent that the number twelve was also capable of dividing itself up into twelve more players. Unfortunately the ref pointed out the rules stated that "Teams shall consist of eleven players on the pitch, with player twelve on the subs bench". Twelve skulked, and stomped off the pitch. Once play commenced, Dregruk's synthetic Slimy Things © moved of in pursuit of the gladiators, using their three Stabby-Tentacles to prevent them getting anywhere near the ball. George the goalie could then fire the ball freely up the pitch at the Bla Alb goal with his 150mm cannon, and the score would have been immense if the goal hadn't been blocked by a large concrete mixer. George managed to score two by cunning ricochets off the concrete mixer, and a third was inadvertently scored by a Bla Alb player using the mixer as cover against an attacking Slimy Thing ©.


Dregruk Empire 2 - RI 3

Busy celebrating the victory of the main Dregruk team, Dregruk Empire forgot to show up for the match. Despite pressure from the players to petition the ref to rule that Dregruk Empire had forfeited the match, the RI Captain Crazy Pete elected to play anyway, for the practice. The game was a confusing spectacle, as without an opposition the team found it hard to remember which way they were supposed to be playing, and spent most of the match arguing about it. In the end, they agreed to disagree, resulting in a two-all draw, nearing the end of play. Having considered how much trouble it would cause if an absent team went through to the next round, the ref opted for an easy life, waited for another goal to be scored, promptly declared that end to be the Dregruk goal, and blew the whistle before anyone could equalise.


Hutties 0 - Tonca 5

Hutties' manager had made a point of not feeding the predatory flying machines, and they were ravenously eyeing up the Toncan team before kick off. However as the whistle was blown, Tonca's manager let loose a litter of six week old kittens; or, as the Hutties team saw them, snacks. While the predatory flying machines were busy eating, the Toncan team scored four goals. Although the Toncan team were desensitised to the kittens, the crowd were not, and a large pitch invasion ensued when many Toncan supporters decided to get the mean nasty kitten-munching ruffians. One of the predatory flying machines ate the ball again, however this time, chased by a crowd of Tonca supporters, it flew into the Hutties goal, making the final score five nil.