NationStates Jolt Archive

The eager fans were herded into Dregruk's premiere stadium (the only one remaining that hadn't been hit by a missile or napalmed in recent memory), payed extortionate prices of flat soda and lukewarm hot-dogs. Some even went over-the-top with the excitement and bought the novelty "I'm a Suspected War Criminal!" T-shirts.

Supporters flocked from all around the region, all desperate to get seats in the greatest sport in the region. As long as the seats weren't too close to the pitch. Bad things happened to the people who sat there.

The Lancre Cup had begun.

"Garey McFadden here, with the most anticipated Lancre Cup in recent memory! Hosted in our fair nation of Dregruk, we can be sure to expect some mind-boggling stunts over the next few weeks!

"Of course, our celebrations must be mixed with sorrow; this is the first Lancre Cup, in the entire history of the best sporting event this side of the megalith, that will not feature a team from our very own founder and friend Sirocco.

"As a sign of our continued respect for our absent neighbour, this Cup is dedicated to the departed Sirocco. We ask for a moment of silence."

Match Lineup:
Heat One

Rachels Insanity =V= SAF
Seiloa =V= Worcester XXVI
Umbullia =V= Macrauchenia
Murder and Destruction =V= Zax was here

Heat Two:
Troon =V= Bla alb
The Moon with the Sun =V= Tonca
Solubility =V= Xaviix
GNY Embassy =V= Anyland

Heat Three:
Nonpuppeted Puppets =V= A big part of Mexico
Zamboni Island =V= Voltana
Raging Penguins =V= Austria Prussia
Dregruk =V= Determined Cows

Heat One

Rachel's Insanity V SAF
The first match to be played in the Cup wasn't so much a hit with the audience as it was a mind-scarring nightmare. Crazy Pete saved the Rachel's Insanity team from a quick succession of goals (by diving headlong into the path of incoming balls); only to scurry off the pitch after half-time and randomly assault spectators who were eating hotdogs WITHOUT a soda. Or vice-versa. No one really caught the explanation.

Rachel's Insanity=2, SAF=3

Seiloa V Worcester XXVI
With Crazy Pete escorted from the stadium, it was safe to resume normal play. Meaning the Seiloa team fixed the Worcester goalkeeper to the posts using a roll of duct tape. Unsurprisingly, Seiloa won.

Seiloa=6, Worcester XXVI=0

Umgullia V Macrauchenia
Fierce arguments raged over whether or not it counted as a fair game since the Worcester goalkeeper from the previous match was still attached to the Macrauchenia goals. It was eventually agreed that the Seiloa goalkeeper was to be attached to the Umgullia goalposts as an equaliser. The match began normally, before the players discovered it was far more fun to try and hit the restrained goalkeepers with power-shots. Macrauchenia won by sheer fluke.

Umgullia=4, Macrauchenia=5

Murder and Destruction V Zax was here
To avoid further arguments, the battered goalkeepers from the previous match were set free.

It was truly a spectacle to behold: the graceful, Taekwondo trained team from M&D engaged in a majestic, flowing series of confrontations with the elite ninjas from the ZWH team. There was much flipping and cartwheeling, matched with "Oohs" and "Ahhs" from the captivated crowd. Then M&D revealed its secret weapon; the team was none other than the Murder and Destruction People's Front- Crack Suicide Squad.

In one fell swoop, the ZWH team was the only one left standing; facing a ruddy great pile of corpses in front of the M&D goals. Although no goals were scored during the entire match, the judges awarded a (posthumous) goal to the M&D squad for grace, technique and gratuitous violence.

Murder and Destruction=1, Zax Was Here=0

Heat Two

Troon V Bla alb
To say Troon got off to a rocky start would be a mild understatement: half of the registered team didn't actually turn up to start with (it was revealed in a post-match press conference that Troon doesn't advertise the Cup at all).

It then transpired that Troon had gotten its wires crossed and believed that it was a rugby match.

Bla alb quickly took advantage of the (very) frequent penalties from the Troon players carrying the ball, and got a few excellent goals. However, the Troon team eventually resorted to frenzied tackling, while one of the Centres tried to get the hang of kicking the ball. How they won is largely accredited to grievous bodily harm.

Troon=4, Bla alb=3

The Moon with the Sun V Tonca
The teams faced off for a truly vicious match; earlier in the day, the Tonca team had broken into TMWTS locker-room and switched the team's strips with an electric pink variant. If looks could kill, the team captains would have cauterised the air between them.

"You're going DOWN, pinko!" Hissed the Tonca captain.

"So's your face!" Replied an enraged and red-faced TMWTS captain. A confused silence ensued.

The Tonca team were far too busy trying to work out whether they had been insulted or not when the match started. They'd agreed that celery was really a stupid vegetable by the full-time whistle, having forgotten what they were discussing at the beginning.

The Moon with the Sun=3, Tonca=1

Solubility V Xaviix
"This next match: the watery-fiends of Solubility versus Xav... Zav... Zah-vicks? Ka-sah-vicks?"

-90 minutes later, after a long conversation with the entire Xaviix team-

"...no, I think it's pronounced Zah-vicks. Oh, hell. I think Solubility scored. Yeah, that was definitely a goal for Solubility. Does that count?"

Solubility=1, Xaviix=0

GNY Embassy V Anyland
Having sacked the previous match commentator, the next match played without a hitch. Anyland's tactics (unparalleled mastery of physics, resulting in really confusing conversations with the GNY goalie) saw them through to the next round.

GNY Embassy=2, Anyland=5

Heat Three

Nonpuppeted Puppets V A big part of Mexico
"What the deuce... where did those guys go?!"

The crowd eagerly awaited the next round of the Cup, having sat in the Stadium for over a month since the previous Heat. They were not a little disappointed to discover that the next two teams had starved to death in the changing rooms.

Both teams eliminated.

Zamboni Island V Voltana
The deaths due to starvation hadn't ended with the previous match; another victim was revealed to be Zamboni Island during a search of the locker rooms. The Voltana team had survived, however, since it was made up of a scary looking Tesla Coil and a power supply. The crowd was treated to a brief display of electric discharges by way of compensation.

Voltana wins by default

Raging Penguins V Austria Prussia
"Good lord! They survived!"

The crowd roared with glee as the two teams shambled tiredly onto the pitch, their skin pale and eyes vacant. Both teams were mysteriously missing some players, and when asked about the vacancies replied with a distant, "We were so hungry..."

Although admirable effort was made by some of the players, many tearfully embraced one another in the middle of the pitch, others curled up in a fetal position. That anyone scored at all was a miracle.

Raging Penguins=1, Austria Prussia=0

Dregruk V Determined Cows
The Determined Cows team ran onto the pitch, smiling and waving to their loyal fans who were expecting at least one good match this round. Five minutes later, the Dregruk team thundered onto the field.

Through the western wall of the stadium. Fan favourite George had turned up with some friends from the 17th Armoured.

"Bloody Nora, they've got cannons!" Yelped the DC striker, who was not familiar with infantry-armour strategy. The rest of the DC team grudgingly admitted that things looked a little grim.

"Now, hold on a minute! This is just plain silly!" Came the triumphant call from the field. The crowd gasped as Emperor Besty marched onto the pitch. There was a tense silence as the Emperor faced off with 120mm. anti-tank cannon.

The tanks reversed out the stadium, as High Punisher Hrrachen marched in.

"Ah, Besty. My old nemesis. Once again we meet on the field of batt... football. But this time, there shall be no escape!" Hrrachen drew a trout from his under his cloak.

"Damn you, Hrrachen, this ends here!" Roared Besty. The two nemesis's charged, fish scales glinting in the afternoon sun. Aquatic vertebrates were swung and parried, backflips were common and the laws of physics were ignored. The crowd loved it.

The fight looked to go on for eternity, until the full time whistle was blown. When it was revealed that the ball had been flattened onto a tank's tread, and said tread had crossed the Dregruk goal line, Determined Cows were declared the winners by own goal. Hrrachen ran off crying.

Dregruk=0, Determined Cows=1