NationStates Jolt Archive

In the bustling and comparitively dirty city of Guaah, U.N. Statisticians somehow managed to make their way into a less than desireable situation. The pair of human male and female officers, wearing light-blue waistcoats, normal coporate clothing and carrying clipboards were talking with a small group of five Sakkran neonates. The male seemed oblivious to everything around him except for his job, but the female seemed far less at ease, her eyes darting up from her scribbling on her clipboard once in a while.

"And you say your name is Femur? Jimmy Femur?" The male pointed the back-end of his pen at a smallish neonate that seemed to have numerous baubles protruding from his earholes and a glued-on clown wig.

"Yeah, yeah. Come on, how long's this gonna take? We gots a schedule to keep." The green-scaled sakkran twirled a clawed finger around a lock of fire-engine red mohair.

"Not much longer. And you say your 55 years old?" The pen continued scribbling and pointing.

Jets of vapor escaped the nostrils of this Jimmy Femur in frustration. "Yeeesss! Hurry it up already." One of the other male reptilians side-stepped his way to the right of the man deftly, sniffing the air around the two humans.

"Our statistics show most Sakkrans your age attending University. Any reason you're not?"

"Who sez i'm not? You been talking to my 'dam?" Jimmy roused himself from the vehicle he had been leaning against, taking a step forward. "I think maybe we oughta show these guys around our fine city here."

"No, no. Just wondering, myself." The male seemed to awaken to the reality that he and his partner had been surrounded at this point, mostly by the tugging of the woman on his sleeve and the cackling laughter of one Marty Rats who now stood behind the pair, flicking the metallic spikes protruding from his chin.

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Herpetological Hidey-Hole News
All the datafeed that isn't Imperial-sanctioned!

A pair of U.N. Statisticians has gone missing from the streets of Guaah. Witnesses report the pair had been conducting interviews around the city of Guaah with youths from the area last. Imperial Peace Patrol officers have begun and investigation into the dissappearance, nad have stated they will release the information as it becomes available.

The Herpetological Empire is not a U.N. member, and speculation is running rampant as to what the statisticians were doing there in the first place. Let alone without the benefit of armed escort.

Peace Patrol officers have stated they received no indication the U.N. was conducting a survey in the first place within Sakkran-held territories. One officer was heard remarking that "They're probably gonna try to force us into some stupid membership. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole thing was staged in the first place."

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STATEMENT FROM SAKKRA'S HANDLER!

This is basically a thread that will cover the daily news of what happens in my nation, based on the U.N. statistics. It's not so much a long-winded thread as a aseries of short stories. Enjoy!

"It's dark, cramped and spooky in here. Gives me the high holy heeby-jeebies." Miners in the Great Asteroid Belt have lodged a series of complaints related to their working conditions. Corporate officers in one such company, Ssleeth Mining, have released this statement.

"It's not a wonder why the U.N. ranks us 92,330th in the world for mining. These guys are supposed to be rough-and-ready to get the job done, but for the past few months all we've been hearing is about what happens on the human drama channels, who's hatchlings are doing what in the Junior Jugg League, and the price of a good manicure. They've become a gaggle of mincing dandies!" stated Extra-planetary miner's liason Sessket.

Another officer, Accounting Chief Ghaat, made this statement. "My sire worked with this company when I was a hatchling. He regaled me with stories of hardship and victory under extreme conditions. Now I come here and see this? It's a damn shame. Next they'll be running around in Hard Gay gear asking for extra patte to be included in their rations."

"Hey, we have feelings and thoughts that reflect the times we live in. Sakkran people, as a whole, have become a bit more refined and knowledgeable of culture and all that stuff. We just wanna bring up our dignity here." Stated Miner's Rep Kthoon. "I mean, what's the point of importing all this yummy goose-liver patte if we can't enjoy it? Besides, these caverns give me the willies."

"Well, what? You were expecting shock or something?" 12 noon usually means basking time at Hreer University, and the students as well as faculty are taking full advantage of the seasonably brilliant sunlight. The Great Veldt is full of Sakkrans, Hrubbans and any assortment of life that calls itself a citizen of the Herpetological Empire.

Save for the human and elven population, all the other beings are wearing an astounding lack of raiment. Even Dean of Academia Lossa was present en flagrante. "Well, the thing is that we Sakkrans have a great lack of exterior genitalia, which accounts for our apparent lack of shame. Nothing's dangling below-decks, and the females have no pendulous 'fun-bags', to coin a term."

A naked professor of xeno-anthropology, Khss Wwnn of the Hrubban populace, had this to say as well. "The thing with us Hrubbans is, our danglies are well concealed in fur." He points to his hidden extremity for emphasis. "No harm, no foul. The females, however, have taken precautions with their mammaries." With that, he points out one sunbathing female wearing what appears to be four pasties covering her nipples. "This would explain why Sakkra is 6,127th in the world for Nudest Citizenry."

Confusion erupted amidst the Miss Sakkra Beauty Pageant this year, as Max Barry, a bald (by choice, we're sure), male, middle-aged author has won the pageant hands down.

Said one of the contestants "I'll rip out his spleen and garnish my prize-winning roast Newt with it. RARRRR!" Mr. Barry was rushed to a transport immediately following the contest, tripping over his evening gown once and hurling his bouqet at a near-by reporter's head. Mr. Barry's only comment was "I just woke up after a three-day piss-up with the lads, and I find myself here?"

Rumors of influence peddling, gender confusion and mass hypnosis are running rampant as of press time.