NationStates Jolt Archive

It's here! At last! Anyland calls it, "The best sporting event on the face of the megalith" and "soccer (or football to the rest of the world) gone horribly right."

It's where football matches have almost no rules, and where anything can happen!

What is it?

It's the highly anticipated and much debated Lancre Cup! It has finally arrived, and will be hosted in the despondent lands of Murder and Destruction for the first time in Lancre history.

Here are the opening fixtures (which will be played tomorrow):

Worcester--Zamboni Island

Umgullia--Tonca

Heiligkeit--SAF

Rachels Insanity--The Moon with the Sun

Dregruk--Cristia West

Troon--Anyland

Sirocco--Macrauchemia

Raging Penguins--Grammercy

Murder and Destruction--Voltana

Austria Prussia--Robertybob


The leading pundits in Murder and Destruction have put together this list of potential winners of this tournament, as well as the probability of them winning.


Dregruk 6-2
Sirocco 5-1
Raging Penguins 9-6
Determined Cows 4-1
Anyland 3-1
Candy Rocks, the defending champion, 10-1

Please telegram me if you would like me to include any of your team details

Here are the results for teh first round of matches:

Worcester 4-9 Zamboni Island
Several limbs were hacked off in this horrifying, yet strangely entertaining fixture. Zamboni Island, however, had a superior arsenal of weaponry.

Umgullia 5-1 Tonca
The Umgullia strikers had a field day, here. The Tonca team was not at their best today, partly because of the thick, black cloud of smog that descended upon the field early on. Tonca's only goal was an own goal scored by an Umgullian defender, who couldn't see due to the fog.

Heiligkeit 6-3 SAF
All hopes of a clean, friendly football match, or even a football match, were abandoned in the first minute when the ball was flattened, and the pitch was turned into a warzone. With no ball, alternate means of scoring were set in place: Heiligkeit decapitated six of their opposing players, and three of SAF's landmines incapacitated Heiligkeit players.

Rachels Insanity 2-3 The Moon with the Sun
You can never tell which way Rachels Insanity striker Crazy Pete is going to go in a match. He scored all five goals in this rather bizarre fixture.

Dregruk 7-2 Cristia West
Dregruk started off well, with George almost ripping the Cristia West net off with two thundering blasts of the ball from his cannon. The ref then awarded Cristia West a penalty after Slimy Thing waved a gun at an oncoming striker. The penalty was slotted home, the ref was duck-taped to a chair, and the match was able to go on once more, without pesky interruptions regarding 'rules'.

Troon 0-0 Anyland (match forfeited by Troon)
The Troon team never showed up for this match, thus giving Anyland the win by default. Three hours after the game, they were found tied up in a garage, claiming the Anyland players had something to do with it, although no evidence has been presented.

Sirocco 60-0 Macrauchemia
As soon as the game kicked off, the Macrauchemians immediately grabbed the ball and started fighting over which one of it could pet it first. The Sirocco strikers then happily kicked the ball in and out of the goal for the full 90 minutes.

Raging Penguins 5-8 Grammercy
Grammercy were surprisingly able to outplay and out-pass Raging Penguins, one of the favourites to win the tournament. In fact, Grammercy passed so well, that if they had taken a passing test, they all would have passed.

Murder and Destruction 2-1 Voltana
The hosts of the tournament got off to the worst start possible when the Voltana goalkeeper went through the whole team before arrogantly pushing the ball into the goal with his head. However, Murder and Destruction were able to fight back into it by using pointed sticks and hurling pieces of fruit.

Austria Prussia 0-0 Robertybob (aet--Robertybob won 1-0 on penalties)
Alcoholic drinks have recently been legalised in Murder and Destruciton, and it looks like these two teams abused that piece of legislation. They were so out of it when they got onto the field that they could barely kick the ball. Austria Prussia got the closest to scoring when one of their strikers had posession two yards out with the goalkeeper beaten, but he drunkenly kicked it away and started crying with laughter.

And so, after 120 minutes of complete idiocy, the penalty shootout began. The teams both missed their first five kicks, some pulling a Beckham and balooning it over the bar, whilst some just plain missed the ball. When it got to sudden death, Austria Prussia missed their kick, and Robertybob, by some miracle, managed to tap theirs in.

Fixtures for tomorrow:

Shan159--GNY Embassy

Bla alb--Eyelash Wishes

Brittbratism--Candy Rocks

Afganispan--Sacer Raptoris

Sliponia--Trandonor

Zax was here--DTAS LAND

Determined Cows--Oatrucjs

Seiloa--Englishmen1--Ultana

Results:

Shan159 13-10 GNY Embassy
Both teams played excellently in this entertaining and evenly matched fixture. Play literally went from one end of the field to the other in a matter of seconds, and it was actually quite hard to keep up with the score. There was actually a debate going on as to whether or not the score was really 13-14, but the topic was suddenly dropped; something to do with an offer GNY Embassy couldn't refuse...

Bla alb 15-4 Eyelash wishes
Bla alb accidentally sent their rugby union team out to play in this muddy, barbaric match, so a compromise had to be made. Scoring was as follows: Bla alb scored one goal, two tries and two conversions; Eyelash wishes scored a goal and a penalty goal.

Brittbratism 1-2 Candy Rocks
This rather gruesome match started off by some of the Brittbratism players performing 'medical surgery' without anesthetic on the Candy Rocks left back, whilst the Candy Rocks players bombarded the oppositon goal with stones, and the occasional shot of the football. Actually, very little of the football was touched, hence the rather low scoreline.

Afganispan 10-17 Sacer Raptoris
Afganispan began the match by firing off 200 milimeter shells at their opposition. However, their cannon operator made the fatal mistake of wandering into the long grass, despite the quite effeminate calls from his captian of "Don't go into the long grass!". Rendered defenseless, Afganispan's only part to play in the match was now to suffer the wrath of carnivorous dinosaurs.

Sliponia 1-0 Trandonor
Immediately after kickoff, this match turned into an uncouth mudfight, which involved almost every fan in the stadium, despite the violent protests of the security personnel. About 40 minutes in, one of the Sliponia players had his two front teeth knocked out by a security officer who mistook him for a fan. In a blind rage, the player tried to kick a ball at the guard, who ducked; the ball went sailing into the net for the only goal of the game. If we can even call it a game.

Zax was here 10-0 DTAS LAND
DTAS LAND just couldn't beat Zax was here's genetically enhanced goalkeeper, who covers 91.000351291% of the net. They were also hopeless at defending against Zax was here's ninjas and strikers with cybernetic limbs. However, the match had to be abandoned after 80 minutes due to riots from the DTAS fans, whose continued spamming of the field caused it to become impossible to play on. Even though it had to be abandoned, the result stands.

Determined Cows 23-1 Oatrucjs
DC's goalkeeper, and enlarged cow, didn't let in many goals this match, probably because it takes up most of the net. Their offence was strong, very determined, and ver skillful, scoring 19 goals from open play, and 4 penalties, which were given away by the overwhelmingly frustrated Oatrucjs defenders.

Seiloa 7; Englishmen1 5; Ultana 0
The Seiloa and Englishmen1 teams decided to make a temporary, one game alliance and gang up on Ultana, who put up a corageous fight, but was never going to win against two teams. After Ultana was dealt with, the Seiloa team double crossed the Englishmen1 team, subduing them with cloroform and then proceeding to score on an empty net.

There will now be a two day break for the players to rest. Matches will commence on Saturday.

Congratulations to all the teams that have made it to the second round! Here are the fixtures for tomorrow:

Zamboni Island--Umgullia

Heiligkeit--The Moon with the Sun

Dregruk--Anyland

Sirocco--Grammercy

Murder and Destruction--Robertybob

(ooc: im candy rocks) GO CANDY ROCKS, (if im not allowed to post here for any reason, ill delete this message)

(ooc: im candy rocks) GO CANDY ROCKS, (if im not allowed to post here for any reason, ill delete this message)

Please see title; it says "Lancre nations only". I feel that if you wanted to post here, you should have done it with Candy Rocks and not with your puppet.


Now, NS may be down temporarily, but that's not going to stop the Lancre Cup! Here are the results:

Zamboni Island 2-6 Umgullia
Zamboni Island scored the opening goal of this fixture after a headless chicken ran onto the pitch and put the ball into the net. This started a trend of chicken throwing, which resulted in one of them landing on top of an Umgullian head. Thinking he was some kind of murderous chicken man, the entire Zambonian team raced after it, trying to beat it with sticks. Meanwhile, the rest of the Umgullian team happily kicked the ball into the empty net to get the goals that they needed to win the match.

Heiligkeit 0-9 The Moon with the Sun
The Moon with the Sun started off this hammering by blinding the Heiligkeit team into submission by using their reflective uniforms. They then proceeded to confuse them by using bending gravity, and then finished them off by throwing fortune cookies at them; the Heiligkeit team was now completely useless. After all this, only 20 minutes had gone by, and the Moon with the Sun team looked set to score hundreds of goals on the empty net. However, they were only able to score nine goals. Why? Well, if you didn't have any legs, and you were levitating off the ground, would you consider it easy to try to roll the ball in with your head?

Dregruk 0-0 Anyland (Dregruk won the fight, so officials decided they should win the match)
Despite suspicious opening play from the Anyland team, and more gun waving antics from Dregruk's Slimy Thing, the match remained scoreless for the first 20 minutes. Both teams seemed to be getting on well--they even managed to strike up conversations with each other--but all was not to be well. 20 minutes in, George must have said something horrendous to Anyland's right back, as he headbutted George in the chest, and an all out war broke out on the field. Football was completely forgotten. The Dregruk team narrowly won the fight, after several blasts from George's cannon, but what was it that had actually started the fight? Goerge had this to say in the post-match interview:

Reporter: George, what was it, exactly, that you said that caused this carnage?

George: Well, this was all due to a mistranslation from British English to American English. We [him and Anyland's right back] were getting along quite well, so he asked me over for lunch. He inquired as to what time I would be coming over, and I said, 'I think I'll knock you up around noon.' Apparently 'I'll knock you up' DOES NOT mean 'I'll knock on your door' in America.

Sirocco 3-0 Grammercy
Grammercy was unable to score in this match, due to a cluster of flightless hippos around the Sirocco goal. One of their strikers became so frustrated that he tried yanking on a hippo's tail to try to get it to move, although this only resulted in the hippo farting in his face. Going forward, Sirocco were excellent. They passed extraordinarily, gave little of the ball away, and finished cleanly.

Murder and Destruction 1-0 Robertybob
In order to try to inspire fear in the Murder and Destruction team, Robertybob began the match by performing the fierce All Black Haka; while they were doing this, Murder and Destruction simply lobbed the ball over them and into the goal. 1-0. They then responded to Robertybob's rendition of the Haka by performing Monty Python's "I'll scratch your eyes out" military dance.

Apart from that, nothing else really happened in this mind numbingly boring stalemate.

Here is the other group of fixtures:

Shan159--Bla alb

Candy Rocks--Sacer Raptoris

Sliponia--Zax was here

Determined Cows--Seiloa

Here are the results of yesterday's games:

Shan159 0-0 Bla alb
Twenty minutes into the game, both teams of players suddenly vanished inexplicably. Amid the shock and horror of the fans, one reporter theorised that Anyland might have had something to do with it; although he has sinced vanished as well.

Candy Rocks 1-5 Sacer Raptoris
Unfortunately for Candy Rocks, the raptors were at it again in this gruesome fixture. Candy Rocks' only goal was scored when their star player, intestines hanging out of his shredded stomach, managed to fool the carnivorous goalkeeper by showing it a reflection of itself in a mirror. It took some interest at first, but when he slotted the ball into the back of the net, it realised what had been done, and his suffereing was put to an end (very slowly).

Sliponia 0-4 Zax was here
Zax was here's goalkeeper was at it again, saving every single shot that was hit at him/it (may I remind you that he/it covers over 91% of the net). In attack, Zax was here's nijas were equally as barbaric as the Sacer Raptoris team; if they happen to meet up later in the tournament, there's no telling what kind of carnage will take place.

Determined Cows 3-0 Seiloa
Being one of the favourites to win this tournament, Determined Cows had no trouble swatting away the blood-thirsty Seiloa, whose football skills are nowhere near the standard of their mud fighting.

Here are the fixtures for the quarter finals tomorrow:

Umgullia--The Moon with the Sun

Dregruk--Sirocco

Murder and Destruction--Sacer Raptoris

Zax was here--Determined Cows

Well, here are the belated results (ooc: as I couldn't get onto the forums yesterday):

Umgullia 3-5 The Moon with the Sun
The Moon with the Sun pulled off some seemingly physically impossible moves in this fixture. Their fourth and fifth goals were scored when their star striker (no pun intended) took a thunderous shot at goal, which hit the underside of the crossbar, bounced out, and then bounced in again; how that happened is not apparent.

Dregruk 1-0 Sirocco
Sirocco emplyed defensive tactics in this match, whilst Dregruk's only player in their half was the goalkeeper, although even he came forward occasionally.

The match was essentially George versus Sirocco's flightless hippo goalkeeper, who managed to save all of George's thunderous blasts from his cannon in the first half and in the majority of the second. When it looked as if no one was ever going to score, George made one last effort, and used all of his power (resulting in a temporary shut down) to blast a cannonball one last time at the Sirocco goal. On the way there, it took a deflection off a defender, and the goalkeeper was left helpless at the other side of the net--the only one between the cannonball and the goal was a young debutant, who tried in vain to head the ball away, but that only resulted in a goal and a severe concussion.

Murder and Destruction 5-7 Sacer Raptoris
The hosts of this Lancre Cup were knocked out, much to the disappointment of the home fans, in very unusual circumstances. Amid the relentless slicing and tearing of skin from the Sacer Raptoris team, and the throwing of Norwegian Blues from the home side, both sides managed to actually score some goals. In the final minutes of the match, a gang of raptors piled on top of the MD ball carrier, forming something vaguely similar to a ruck. The ball was spun out from under it to MD's Jonny Wilkinson lookalike, who hit a fantastic drop goal over the goal, proclaiming, "We won! Lancre Cup!"...but this is football (or something vaguely similar, with violence), not rugby, and so he didnt win the match--he won a slap in the face from his team mates for wasting a fine scoring oppertunity.

Zax was here 3-1 Determined Cows
Due to a combination of bitter cold and one of Zax was here's ninjas slicing open a cow, the field was covered in frozen milk, turning this match into a combination of figure skating and Mortal Kombat (no, I'm not referring to ice hockey). Not much except a lot of slipping and sliding happened in this game, but both teams did put a few on the score sheet.

It looks like we're in for one heck of a semi-final, with The Moon with the Sun against Dregruk, and the highly anticipated Sacer Raptoris against Zax was here!

Zax confident but laid back

A very eager reporter from Murder and Destruction was able to ask Zax some questions regarding his team's much anticipated semi-final against Sacer Raptoris.

"I feel pretty good about the match," Zax commented, "my cybernetic team mates have had some upgrades, my ninjas have their katanas and my goalie has been equipped with a gatling gun in case of raptors."

Despite this confidence, Zax seems laid back when comtemplating defeat, saying, "Hey, if I lose, it still would have been a great run."

Sacer Raptoris has yet to comment.

(ooc): i cannot log on to candy rocks, there is a problem with the forums (/ooc) (in character) to the team that beat candy rocks, you better prepare, cause the gummy bears of my nation prepare to do something during your match .... to you

This will make Zax was here vs Sacer Raptoris even more interesting.

The matches will be played tomorrow if there is still no response from Sacer Raptoris.

The cup looks awesome!

i believe i can beat sacer raptoris, but it will be close...

this is zax was here, i have the same problem as candy rocks using the forums.....


by the way, we cant forget the other semi finalists, dregruk and the moon guy peoples.....wish i remembered his/her name.....

Alright, after some delay, here are the results for the semi-finals for the Lancre Cup:

Dregruk 2-0 The Moon with the Sun
The Moon with the Sun were unable to do anything this match, due to the fact that whenever George blasted them with a cannonball, they went flying out of the stadium, as gravity does not affect them.

Although Slimy Thing scored both of Dregruk's goals, George was given the Man of the Match award, and offered the match ball. However, he politely declined, as it was all slimy from when his team mate had scored.

Zax was here 3-3 Sacer Raptoris (ZWH wins, as they sliced up more of the opposition players)
An elegant match, one that finely portrayed comradship and....oh....wait....I'm sorry, I'm reading the wrong match report. Hah! This match was far from anything moral! It began with complete carnage and bloodlust from both teams, with no shortage of intestines trailing behind players due to sliced opened stomachs. One of ZWH's ninjas actually started crying and screaming uncontrollably when three raptors cornered him and tore him apart alive.

All was going evenly, until ZWH received some help from Candy Rocks, who distracted the raptors by using mirrors and hurling gummy bears at them. Deeply perturbed by this, they began slashing at the mirrors, believing that they were actually competing males. Whilst they were distracted, ZWH's ninjas got into position, and suddenly....they dove in, completely surprising the raptors, and decapitated, slashed and sliced until nothing was left but bone. Chilling, really, but oh so entertaining.


That means that the final of this Lancre Cup will be Dregruk versus Zax was here; however, the third place playoff between The Moon with the Sun and Sacer Raptoris shall be played first.

*Cheers on Zax*
yeah, now this time GIANT gummy bears will attack opposition (or probably both teams) hey i cant control them that much

Third place play-off result.

Sacer Raptoris 0-3 The Moon with the Sun
The Moon with the Sun completely outpayed and outmaneuvered a fatigued Sacer Raptoris side, who lacked the speed and agility of their opposition; even their razor-sharp claws were ineffective against a side that flew several meters above their heads. Although their goalkeeper made some fine saves, he was constantly being distracted by a bombardment of giant gummy bears.


The Lancre Cup final will be played this Wednesday!

It's here! At last! The Lancre Cup final!

Both sides arrived early for the game, to be played in front of over 100 000 fans in the surreal Murderious Stadium.

After the competition's completely overdrawn closing ceremony, Motion City Soundtrack played 'Don't Call it a Comeback' as the Dregruk team walked onto the field, which was followed up by 'All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me)' by Bullet for Valentine for the Zax was here team.

The referee checked his watch, was about to blow the whistle, but was then socked in the face by the ZWH team captain. That was as good as 'go' for the two teams, and as they finally, after much anticipation, faced off, the crowd went hysterical.

George began fending off three of ZWH's ninjas, whilst another three began slicing up Slimy Thing; when they were finished, all 200 different parts of his previously sewn-together carcas littered the field. A few paramedics from the Dregruk team then began the arduous task of trying to gather all of the pieces and sew him back together.

George scored the opening goal with a blast from his cannon, which was received with bone-shattering cheers from the fans (no, really--one of ZWH's ninjas had to be taken off the field because all of his bones had disintegrated).

However, five minutes later, ZWH's captian scored with a brilliant rendition of a bicycle kick, which he has dubbed 'The Tornado Kick'. This was met by an equally loud cheer from the fans, which resulted in one of Dregruk's defenders having to be taken off.

After 87 minutes of grotesque slicing, punching, kicking and shooting, the score was 1-1. Only George and a few others were still on the pitch for the Dregruk team, and only the ninja captian and two of his apprentices (he did have three, but one of them was fired) remained for the ZWH team.

The three ninjas immediately lurched forward, attacked and killed George's team mates--now it was only George who remained. He held them off the best he could, with numerous blasts from his cannon, but it was proving just too much for him. The ninjas knocked him to the ground, and prepared for the final blow. George, exhausted adn defeated, looked up helplessly. In the distance, the ZWH goal posts could be seen on the horizon, and behind it, up in the stands, George could see the Dregruk fans, who had supported them from the beginning, and were singing about how they would never give up, never give in to their enemies, that they would never let anyone beat them. With a surge of adrenaline and tear-eyed inspiration, George prepared himself for one final blast of his cannon. 'This is it', he thought to himself, 'this is the one', and with an effort that consumed all of his remaining energy, he raised his cannon to his foes, and proclaimed, "Are you ready to burn like napalm, and taste like chicken?", and then he pulled the trigger on his cannon, and with a large puff of steam--it died out. He was surely dead now.

A few meters away, Slimy Thing had finally been sewn together by the paramedics, and he leapt to his feet, ready for action. His first impulse was to go and help his team mate, George, but then he saw something, off in the distance--it was the match ball. With a surge of renewed energy, he raced towards it, picked it up, and began sprinting to the empty ZWH goal. Realising what was going on, the ZWH captain lifted his katana above his head, and spun it towards Slimy Thing.

At the other end of the field, as Slimy Thing ran with the ball, he realised with dread that the paramedics had forgotten to sew on his bum, which acted as both a silencer and a muzzle for his deadly, shall we say, "lower bodily gas releases". He felt a sudden impulse in his rear, and unintentionally let out the loudest, most disgusting fart he had ever made. However, it was to his advantage that it was the most powerful fart he had ever made.

Back at where the ninjas were, the ninja captian could see a green cloud forming. It seemed to be racing towards them, almost with the force of a hurricane! And in its epicentre, he could see his katana--it had not hit its target, but had been deflected by this strange freak of nature. Even after 20 years of martial arts training, his reflexes were too slow for him to move away from the oncoming katana.

Back at the ZWH goal, Slimy Thing had finally reached the goal, and, with the last bit of energy he had, planted the ball firmly past the goal line. The crowd erupted in elation. Dregruk had won.