NationStates Jolt Archive


Life of a soldier...

Nerotika
12-05-2006, 15:57
OOC: Im writting a short fictional book on the Nerotikan life of a soldier and im trying to see if people would like them. I want your honest responces but please no major critizism. If you think I could change the story in any way just tell me.

IC:
North Nerotika, Red Zone (Syndicate Territory.)

North Nerotika, a central headquarters for the largest nerotikan born terrorist group in the states. The Sydicate had been fighting with the nerotikan military for several years but onlt on small scale city fights and attacks on Nerotikan statewide checkpoints but with a bit of aide from other countries they have finally been given modern weapons able to attack armored vehicles and air transports. As a response the Union president had sent in a SET team, the Special Elite Task. The team was ordered to clear a small village on the south side of the Narogie River in the North nerotikan state, the hot zone of sydicate activity. Though they had been told about the large city like web of buildings including knowen sydicate warehouses for training grounds and small buildings for weapon storage. The team only consisted of five people but they were elites, trained from age 3 to be the best. They each sat seperatly with their weapons taking the chairs next to them, all inside of a Z-5-52 Pelican. The Z-5-52 was the newest model of Pelicans and replaced the XM-717, the Z-5-52 had heavier armor and a better interior system as well as stronger take of and landing jets. The Z-5-52 didn`t waste as much fuel when hovering above ground and could hover slowly down for dropoffs then take off again without pushing the jet stream into the people it just let off. In the back were two heavy MG's of which Lt. Ilian Vicktor was firing out of. Lt. Vicktor had been firing the weapon at several warehouses in the jungle, each knowen to either once held Syndicate troops and amunition or still did hold them. O'Neil had his head laid back agenst the headboard of his chair and was resting with his Kelvlar helmet off. The helmet sat on the chair next to him and his FN SCAR rifle. The FN SCAR's had newly been issued and the Delta team from the Deigo Company of the 1st Elite Devision out of the 1st Elite Army were some of the few randomly chosen teams to host the new rifle. The choice was though only in the 1st Elite Division and so it wasn`t hard to guess that al most half of the teams would get them, though LtSgt1st. Vladd Ionage, the team leader, still preferred his XM-8 rifle to the SCAR which he thought was just a modified Zinger (What he called his rifle). The pelican began to shake as small armes fire from below hit the bottom of the heliplane. The team stood up knowing that the dropship would set down soon due to the intencity of the last mission into this hot zone. The team wore regular cloths of a military unit except for the fact that the Kevlar was lighter and sewn into the camo jackets and pants. The camo they wore began to change colors as the darkness of the night showed through the glass windows and the tree line got higher. They were wearing a grayish color before and now they wore an assortment of dark shades of green. The belt around their pants had several pockets, three ammo containers two on one side and one on the last, a GPS holder just incase and the latest up to date A1911 Colt .45 pistol. On their jackets were grenades, each member had a different assortment, but they all contained HE grenades, frag, flashbang and smokers. The team line up and began to shout out names to make sure no one was left behind on the bird.

"Alright well you all know im here, ROLL CALL." Ionage yelled out.

"O'Neil here sir." Sgt. O'Neil said as he stepped behind Lt. Vicktor who at the same moment cried out. "Vicktor here sir."

"Volker Here sir." A forth man stepped into the line, he was known as Sgt. Drew Volker or Prezzies brother because thats who he was. Though he had requested to leave the army in a letter he sent to his brother, President Andrew Volker, he had been denied.

"Luani here as well Iongage" The fifth man had gotten into line, it was Sgt1st. Carl Isoton who was nicknamed Gunnar for the SAW weapons he always had on him. The SAW was an old model of MG but Gunnar always had one strapped around his shoulder in combat and so far he has used it in several tight spots and saving the team. The SAW, the team concidered it, was Gunnars third arm.

The pelican floated safly above the ground only around 4-5 feet from it. The team waited to jump to the ground as the pelican circled around and the two gunners on the sides of the ship twisted around in their turrents. They called in clear and the team jumped down and became a circle all kneeled around the standed team leader. The team stood and moved forward into the forest out of the clearing. The pelican could be heard turning its engines and floating upwards then bursting foward into the sky. Gunfire erupted from the forest and was ignored for the time being as the gunfire was inaccurate and clearly the enemy couldn`t see any one of them. A small building in the distance showed through the forest a dark black color that blended in with the darkness of night. It was covered on the top entirly with brush that stuck out like trees and would be impossible to see from the sky without a close inspection.

"Here we are, Gunnar get your SAW set up on that fallen tree on the right. You'll be left alone so I hope youc an handle it."

"Yeah i`ll be fine sir." Gunnar followed orderes and moved to the tree after going over a few other fallen trees and threw bushs. He set his gun up on its bipod aiming it toward the building. The rest of the team creeped toward the front of the building where two gaurds stood each wearing AK-101 rifles around their chests, they were guarding a set of doors which indicated the front enterance. Ionage took aim and fired two rounds into each of the gaurds. The first one fell agenst the wall disturbing the other from a dazed sleep, before he could turn he took a few shots and fell dead. The doors flung open outwards and a group of soldiers came out in their hands were HK MP-5's and a few of them held M-16A2's. The gunfire started up and bullets began shattering tree trunks and blowing threw leafs. The team fell to their knee's and fired back with presision aim killing the group one by one. The enemies fell dead in their tracks and soon the gunfire ended. The team stood knowing that the fire fight had gotten attention from the nearby Sydicate base camps, after all they were attacking a Syndicate Arms storage. By now Gunnar was firing his weapon into the windows of the building which had returned fire. The men inside were using old age Dragonovs and were attepting to snipe Gunnar.

"Im taking heavy fire from windows on the left of the front enterance."

"We can see the muzzle blasts, Gunnar, dont worry the building will be clear soon." Ionage had moved the team to the front enterance and was ready to burst into the building. The building was small and square, it had maybe 3 rooms in it and a communications tower inside the brush of the leafs and tree stims on the top of the building which indicated that the building had a communication with the nearby basecamps. The team began to worry but moved on into the building. The cleared the hallway without any resistance and came to a wall that forked down two hallways each leading to a set of rooms. The front hallway was a long clear wall with no doors which indicated that the building was a four room. The team turned right in an effort to relieve gunfire on Gunnar who was sending communications everything the SAW jammed or he had to reload. Gunnar was down to one ammo box next to the one he had loaded in, he was firing down to 60 bullets and stopped firing as the men in the windows turned to face the team who had kicked down the door and threw in a Frag. The grenade exploded sending its shards of shrapnel out to spray the room. The men inside were injured and laying agenst the back wall. Their guns had fell out of their hands and the team went into the room to finish the job.

"Hold all fire Gunnar were in the room, CLEAR." Ionage yelled out and three gunshots were fired. The three men in the room sliped down, dead, each with a bullet wound in their heads execution style.

A loud noise from heavy boots sounded out behind the wall of the neighboring room. Ionage moved his hand toward his throat and did a cut throat signal to indicate radio silence of which the team nodded in agreement. The rest of the time hand signals were given as the team moved out of the room and toward to next one over. The room ‘s door sat wide open and inside deep whispers could be heard as loud as if they were talking normal but the hushness of their voices gave the idea they didn’t want to be heard. The team lined against the wall on the right outside the door and Ionage waved his hand as O’Neil and Vicktor moved to the opposite wall. Ionage loaded a grenade into the barrel of the grenade launcher attached to his SCAR. Vicktor pulled a flash bang off it’s holder and plucked the pin out. He counted out the time showing it with his fingers so Ionage knew when he was throwing it. Five seconds later the flash bang was in the air and bouncing onto the floor in the room. The loud crackle of the flash exploding and Ionage turned to fire the grenade. Once he turned a loud bump sound and Ionage slipping back a bit gave the team reason to turn their backs on the room. Ionage twisted around to the left side of the door and dodged shrapnel shards that flew out of the room. The team entered to find a group of men laying on the ground in front of them lay AK-47 rifles along with M-14’s and several RPG-7 launchers. The men had been killed on impact and gave no vital signs when checked. The weapons were laid in a pile and O’Neil stuck an HE grenade under it. The team left the room and behind them the sound of a small explosion and a massive heat wave. Inside the room the weapons began to light up in flames and some of the metal parts were melted. Ionage gave another signal and the team was off again.

Outside Gunnar had been watching several small cars go by one or two of them stopping occasionally then going on their way. The cars seemed to hold an assortment of men, sydicate soldiers transferring weapons. The place most of them were stopping, he thought, was a checkpoint either to make sure the cars they drove couldn't be traced or just a little friendly talking. Gunnar scowled in their direction very much wanting to shoot them all. Soon they would get theirs though, soon they would get theirs. His thoughts were slurring together and he was going mindless for a second then he heard explosions in the building. He fingered the trigger with excitement and eyed his sights, re-aligning them every so often. A door in the back he thought to be apart of the wall burst open and men came running out. The last one in the line was marching backwards and firing rapidly into the building.

"Gunnar, five coming out. Take them down." The order wasn't needed but once Gunnar heard 'take them down' he fired and watching the men get mowed down by the gunfire. The first man jerked a bit from the bullets and this sent the others fleeing the oppoisite direction which they soon realized was directly in the path of the MG. The tracers lit up the clearing, which wasn`t that big, and then glided through the air into the forest on the other side. The men had begun to return fire but were to late as bullets trackd them down and killed them. The bodies lay in different positions but each one had a pool a blood circling them. The lowcut grass began to stain and in the darkness the bodies and pools looked like tree stumps. Gunnar picked up the SAW and flipped down the bipod thinking they were the last of the guys inside.

Inside the building was a different story, the fighting in the second room cause a third room to open and men to flood out. Ionage had been hit in the crossfire but was recovering well. Vicktor had wounded a three, he thought, and then saw them open a fire exit which was painted like the rest of the hall. The men escaped out and in the gunfire outside Vickotr turned to the forth and last room. He lifted his boot and kicked the door which was made of wood and collaped easly. O'Neil charged in with his rifle up and scanned the room which turned out to be empty except for a pile of C4 explosives and a box of Frag and HE grenades which could be told apart from the red pain around the HE's and the green on the entire Frag.

OOC: Edited in some more, still need opions.
Nerotika
12-05-2006, 16:56
bump.
Nerotika
12-05-2006, 18:47
bump, im open for suggestions. I`ll be adding to this about a paragraph every maybe hour or so.
Nerotika
12-05-2006, 20:15
damn no one has any suggestion? Well I need a new way to start this, better than I have. If anyone wants to help please speak up.
Kellarly
12-05-2006, 20:34
If you want my honest opinion, I think you could expand that opening sequence a little more. For example I think you could expand the characters methods of combat more and bringing in different characteristics maybe. This would help define the people around your central lead.

The combat could also do with a little more description, like firstly giving a more detailed description of the landscape around it.

That said, i think you've got a good start there, esp. for a good action short story. Keep it up! :)
Nerotika
17-05-2006, 15:18
If you want my honest opinion, I think you could expand that opening sequence a little more. For example I think you could expand the characters methods of combat more and bringing in different characteristics maybe. This would help define the people around your central lead.

The combat could also do with a little more description, like firstly giving a more detailed description of the landscape around it.

That said, i think you've got a good start there, esp. for a good action short story. Keep it up! :)

Thnx, i have made some changes and I also have alot I wrote off site to add to this. I`ll keep the discription and mind and im going to go through this again to see what I can change.
Midlonia
17-05-2006, 15:34
I quite liked it, just double space your paragraphs, it kind of hits you with "zomg large block of text" first and makes it slightly hard to read on a screen, so, yeah, double space your paragraphs.

Like that :p. Otherwise it has good potential.
Steel Butterfly
17-05-2006, 17:18
I quite liked it, just double space your paragraphs, it kind of hits you with "zomg large block of text" first and makes it slightly hard to read on a screen, so, yeah, double space your paragraphs.

Like that :p. Otherwise it has good potential.

Agreed. It's impossible to read "as is."
Nerotika
17-05-2006, 17:48
ok so I edited it, is this what you ment though?
Steel Butterfly
17-05-2006, 20:18
ok so I edited it, is this what you ment though?

Ya...still...the first "paragraph" is absolutely enormous
Nerotika
17-05-2006, 20:40
Ya...still...the first "paragraph" is absolutely enormous

yeah I could probly shorten it, but other than the paragraph I think its lookin good. I wish I could finish it today but...eh...im to lazy.