NationStates Jolt Archive

The build up to the build up to World Cup XXIV/24 in DK/KD starts here!

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The Daily Druid

WORLD CUP XXIV IN KD/DK
By Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po.

After months of campaigning, the World Cup Committee have decided that World Cup 24 will be held in Krytenia and Druida.

Now, if you ask me, they must be mental. But luckily for the bid, I didn't have a vote, and so the cup will be held in Atlantian Oceania once again.

But there is still a long way to go before then. For a start, Druida need to be able to find a team that might actually be able to stand up unassisted for an hour and a half. Plus, so far, only the hosts are qualified.

Indeed, applications to enter are still being taken (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=429671). So far, there are 90 entrants officially entered into the tournament (Sibastia, Stryffe and Blaceria have already been thrown out for all being the same place, or something like that), ranging from four-time winners and current champions Rejistania to our new favourite name for a nation Naleloospalakintula.

The Baptism of Fire Cup (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=433650) is to be held in Vilita and Spruitland in the next couple of weeks, and this is for those who are currently without an official ranking (i.e. new teams) to get one, and to play in a tournament with other teams of equal experience. It's fun, and we'd reccomend it to any new enterants. As long as the hosts hurry up and get on with it!

During the meanwhile, the build up to the start of the competition starts here. Rosters (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=435169) are already being accepted, and the whole thing will get under way once the Baptism of Fire is over. And remember, until the qualifying draw takes place, this is the place for your latest World Cup-related updates. (That's in this thread, not just in the Daily Druid.)


OOC: Relevant links

World Cup 24 sign-ups (not still open) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=429671)
World Cup XXIV Roster Thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=435169)
Baptism of Fire Cup for World Cup 24 (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=433650)
Current rankings (http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/KPB%20Rankings.xls)*

*Note: This is a direct link to the rankings spreadsheet. No messing.

OOC: Let's see if I can start the WC24 RPing with a bang.

IC:

<Delta-five-five, respond.>

Officer Nathanael West didn't make any kind of response as his partner, Officer Katarina Di Lorenzi, grabbed the police car's radio mic and took the call. West merely took note of the oncoming traffic just in case he needed to make a U-turn.

"Delta-five-five," Katarina responded, "go ahead control."

<Delta-five-five: One-Eight-Seven reported at sixty-five - six, five - Alfreton Heights, please respond.>

"Delta-five-five, responding." Katarina replaced the mic, "Murder in that part of town is pretty rare."

"Rich bastards probably had it coming." West replied, flipping on the car's sound-and-light show and accelerating.

"I just love how you never discriminate against anyone, Nate," Katarina said, "such a tender disposition you have."

Nate merely grinned as he floored the accelerator and sped through ever-more expensive areas of Jhanna, Starblaydia's captial city. The buildings and cars flashing by were steadily becoming more expensive. A murder, code 187, was nothing new in Starblaydia, of course, though in the parts of town where people could afford enough security to fend off a small army, murders were usually simple crimes of passion. Especially at 3:14 am.

After pulling up in the grand, gravelled front grounds outside the huge wooden double-doors of 65 Alfreton Heights, Katarina radioed in their arrival while Nate stepped out with a torch in one hand with the other resting on his holster. It was a reported murder scene, after all. This was an old house built almost like a castle, probably one with a library to rival most national institutions, Nate thought, though he was closer to the truth than he could have realised.

Pushing open the heavy solid oak doors, Nate flashed his torch around inside. Down the chessboard-pattern hallway there was a light on in a far room, illuminating an obvious path into the building. That would be the crime scene, Nate knew. With Kat covering him, Nate popped his head round the door to see a large room with walls full to the brim of - you guessed it - books. A body lay on the floor; quite obviously dead, judging by the amount of blood around it.

"Control," Kat said, "Delta-five-five, body discovered at 65 Alfreton Heights, forensics require, along with the usual."

<Roger, Delta-five-five, dispatching.>

"ID on the body?" Kat asked.

Nate, after applying a thin rubber glove to one of his hands, carefully fished around in the pocket of the obviously-shot man, and pulled out a wallet.

"Salisbury, Ciaran," he said, "Wait a minute, this is Ceri-fucking-Salisbury!"

"Who?" Kat asked again.

"The old footballer," Nate explained, "must have been nearly in his fifties. Played for Iskara Daii, too, who the hell would want him dead?"

"Not just who would want it," Kat said, "but who would get it done?"

[OOC: Bang. Literally!]

IC:

<Mr Warzycha will see you now.>

Krytenian manager Alan Munitis, sixty-seven, stepped into the office of the Chief Executive of the KFA, his former team-mate Marshall Warzycha.

"Hello, Alan. Please, take a seat!"

Alan sat down. He shuffled nervously in his seat.

"Marsh, I'm getting too old for this," he explained, "I think I'm going to need help for the next World Cup."

Marshall looked puzzled. "But we got you DVS as assistant, like you asked. What help do you need?"

"I was thinking...well...joint managers." Alan bit his lip, expecting Marshall to explode. He didn't.

"Ah, I see! Anyone you have in mind?" Marshall smiled. The coach was not a young man, and he couldn't go on forever. Alan handed him a list of names - ten coaches and managers, all with their credentials. Marshall's smile grew wider. "Right. I'm gonna level with you. The KFA is a little...strapped for cash right now. If we want talent, we need to find a way of paying for it. So here's the plan...."

Marshall explained the plan, and waited for Alan's answer.

"OK, I'll do it," said the coach eventually, "but I get to pick the other two."

"Fair enough, Alan. I'll get onto the blower to KBS and that Krytie TV cable channel now then."

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Where Do We Go From Here?
Some claret coloured boot-straps need pulling up

David Carey will probably go down as the only manager in our history to be sacked despite never losing a game.

In the seventeen games played over the course of World Cup 23, the 'slaves won eleven and drew six. Not a bad record, but three of the draws came in the first round of the world cup, earning us three points that couldn't get the 'slaves out of the group stage.

Drew Carey's sacking came as a result of this, and Audioslavia's subsequent drop to eighteenth in the world - the first time the 'slaves have dropped out of the world's top ten since World Cup 11. Yes, thats over fifty years.

Nobody is sure whether the 'slaves will recruit from overseas or will get some home grown talent to try and force an unappealing Audioslavia side through World Cup 24 qualifying. For the first time since World Cup 10 we won't be the top seed in our group, so it will be far from easy for whoever takes charge.

Our best players, the likes of Taurxa Jeroen, Aron Ceulemans and Kristen Dvorak, are in their thirties now with no real talent coming up in their place. 'Star' striker Jan Arne Hellstrom is woefully out of form, and winger Kelly Torrini is finding it hard to even break into his Machinegardia side ahead of speedy Tha Machinian winger David White. All does not look well.

Two successive world cups without a spot in round two, two successive lacklustre performances by the men in claret and green and two successive failed managers, will the 'slaves ever be able to get back on par with the world's elite again? Let alone get to another World Cup final?

I dunno, in the meantime, theres a Starblaydian murder mystery on telly. Watch that.

IBJJ,G'NB

Nobody really thought Kaze Progressa would ever return. The civil war was too crippling, the nation too divided.

But the rebel forces, united by their hatred of sport, were divided on almost everything else. Not a good thing when trying to run a country. Pluralism can only get you so far, especially when it leads to violence.

Eventually, after a great split in the rebels, peacekeeping forces were able to displace them and form an interim government. Stadia and other infrastructure were rebuilt, arguably better than ever. Civil rights were clearly defined in a new constitution. Political freedom was limited though - tight fact-checking controls on the media are widely reported to have been abused (most notably, it has spelt the end of the infamous tabloid The Daily Scream) and the introduction of a new citizenship test has been controversial because of it proving too difficult - thus disenfranchising a sizable minority of the population. To some Progressans, this is scandalous, and many of the refugee families from the war are likely to stay in Rejistania if possible. To others, this is the price of security.

Amidst all that, somehow sport remains hugely popular. The revived domestic leagues are attracting the huge crowds they always used to. The Progressans have declared their interest in staging the NS Bowl, effectively the Gridiron World Cup, once their infrastructure can handle the challenge. And Progressan officials have revived the International Dodgeball League with a structure befitting its title more than the knockout-style structure of the abortive first attempt.

That first attempt was held in Druida, and that country is also co-hosting the impending World Cup; Druidan officials have assured the world that this tournament will not face a similar fate.

Ah yes, the World Cup. Kaze Progressa will not be there. But they will be in the qualifying tournament, hoping to avoid the wooden spoon. And if by some miracle, they do indeed travel to Druida and Krytenia, it would be an achievement to dwarf any in the country's sporting history, even making the World Cup 18 final where Sani Luvo famously scored the first ever hat-trick in a final, against Rejistania to boot, only for the Progressans to still lose 4-3 in what some argue to be the greatest game of football ever played.

But let's not think about that. Let's simply look forward to an exciting World Cup. And let's see how many fractions of a KPB point the Progressans can earn.

<Mr Warzycha will see you now.>

Krytenian manager Alan Munitis, sixty-seven, stepped into the office of the Chief Executive of the KFA, his former team-mate Marshall Warzycha.


cool name. Its a polish one of the best former football player.

One last hurrah for 'blood, sweat and tears'

Coach Dave Wilson took a slow walk from his complex near Hendrix Stadium to the new building. He looked up as construction workers were putting the finishing touches to the name of his predecessor as the national team's boss, Bryan Marshall. The normally jovial coach was quiet as he walked with a member of the media to inspect the new venue.

"Fifty seven thousand seats," Wilson asked incredulously, noting that Hendrix's capacity was just over 80,000. "The overhang's a nice touch.

"This is going to be an unusual experience for me, that's for sure," he said. "This is going to be my last World Cup as the team manager and it's going to be bittersweet, especially when we play that first match at Bryan Marshall Stadium.

"I loved Bryan like an older brother," Wilson continued. "Not a day goes by that I don't miss him, but we had to move on from that tragedy."

Wilson is referring to the automobile accident that took the life of Coach Bryan Marshall during a disasterous Cup of Harmony appearance following the team's near miss in World Cup XVII qualifying. Wilson has enjoyed tremendous success as the team's coach since taking over on an interim basis, guiding the side to a 73-17-22 record as the team's manager, but he said he felt like "I was keeping the seat warm" as the interim coach.

"It took me until about World Cup XIX before I started to feel at home in that seat," he said. "It took a while before I could move on and then that's when we started to really make progress as a football team."

The Stars' progress was in fits and starts for many years, as the team earned a reputation for hard work and gutty play, but also became known for not being able to win the big matches they needed to advance to the World Cup finals. When they finally advanced, they needed three cups to advance out of the groups stage.

However, the team put it all together from there as Horace Sandt took over for goalkeeping legend Troy Perkins and backstopped the team to its first-ever World Cup finals victories, including a 4-0 championship rout that stands as the most lopsided final in history.

"It's been a testimony to the hard work of everyone who has been a part of this team throughout the years," Wilson said of the team's championship and current number one ranking. "We've put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into our football programme. We're starting to see the rewards now."

cool name. Its a polish one of the best former football player.

OOC: Actually, I got inspiration for several surnames from existing and former players: Munitis-Romania, Warzycha-Poland, Vernazza-England/Italy, Müller-Germany, Lydersen-Norway.

a few weeks after the end of World Cup 23:

Teke Daran was sitting in his rocking chair and drinking a glass of lychee juice as suddenly someone enters. The person is big for a rejistanian and dyed his hair green. He wears blue jeans and a green T-Shirt with three blue symbols in an alphabet, Teke Daran does not know. The magical camera of RP however translates it to mi-ke-di. It even resolves that this is a kalesa in northern Rejistania and now belongs to Matix kali. He is out of breath. "Rej'he... vanished!"

Teke Daran needed a few seconds to understand what he meant. "Siki Rej?"

"Yes! There... was... a note. On his bed." He reaches into his pocket and shows it to Teke Daran. "Jida! I need a break! I'm on vacation! rejsi" is written there in a bad handwriting and without any formatting. Teke Daran in shock started his computer to check wether Siki Rej at least gave more information in the network. Knowing Siki Rej, there would be information. He checked the planned holidays of the employees and saw there that Siki Rej apparently wanted to stay absent for 2 years... In the 'additional information' field was written: "I had no vacation while working here, time to use it up! Add plausibility checks to this program!"

"Shit" Teke daran and the Mikedi affecinado said at the same time.

The man sat in a darkened room on a stool, with pictures behind him of the Lowland Clans sides which had dominated the World Cup in the past. He sighs and looks at the floor. He knows he's going to be sore after this, but he figures that this will be one of the most watched programs in the Allied States, and maybe around Atlantian Oceania, if people were bored enough. He sits up striaght, wishes he could scratch through the makeup, but he can't and begins the broadcast. It was going to be a long night for him.

"Welcome today to Clan Sports Newtork's special report on the Allied States return to the world football stage. I'm Allan Gallagher" He turned and looked at the second camera. "Yesterday, ASFA put out the lineup for the World Cup, just as the next season of the Allied States Football League is about to begin. Many people are wondering can we regain the glory we had when we were in the top ten, and finished fourth once upon a time?"

"That's what we seek to decide here. Today, we will interview experts and pundits, as well as Manager Gary Johnson and captain Westly Stjepan, as well as starting Keeper Dylan Hughes and starting striker Gary Park. We will see if the Stars have any chance of qualifying this year, in a new look field were old friends and foes now look at the Stars with a mixture of pity and confidence, knowing that they no longer represent a threat."

"So to begin we'll talk to manager Gary Johnson right after the break."

[insert commercial break here]

"Welcome back to CSNs World Cup Special, and we're here with new national Manager Gary Johnson. Welcome Mr. Johnson." Johnson nods at the camera.

"Thank you for having me here today. I glad to be able to answer any questions you have about our team."

"Well, how about our first question, what do you think are our chances of qualifying for the World Cup?"

"Well, it'ss most likely be a long qualifying round, so we could and we could not. I think it will be very difficult for us to qualify, but I think we have a legacy that will give us some weight, plus a very talented striker and midfield core, and I expect Westley Stjepan to lead our team for at least three World Cups. I think it really depends on what kind of group we get drawn in, but I can definitely see us as somekind of spoiler for a more seasoned team that won't give us a fair shake."

"What do you think will be the most challenging thing about this qualification?"

"Well, most definitely not being able to live up to the higher expectations of our fans. After qualifying for seven straight World Cups, I don't know if we can match up to those teams."

"But those teams were notorious for being unable to finish out the group stage."

"Yes, and that's a fault that's plagued our national team since falling to Aquilla. I'll handle that bridge when we cross it, but let's get to the World Cup first."

"Alright, thank you. We'll continue with Westley Stjepan after this commercial break."

[insert second commercial break here]

"Alright were back here at the CSN studios with star midfielder and captain of the national team Westley Stjepan. Congradulations on your MVP award last year in the Permiership."

"Thank you very much, I was proud to be part of such a great club team. I loved how not one of us was better than the other, and how we we're truly a team. I't swas a great honor to lead such a club."

"Well, we've already spoken to Gary Johnson about your chances in the World Cup, but what do you think?"

"Well, Allan, I believe that our team is a lot better than our thirty-ninth ranking would suggest. I'd say we have one of the top twenty five teams in the world. I believe that when the time comes for qualification we're going to prove that. But we have to prove it first, because other teams won't quite give us the same respect as they did when we were here before. When we prove that we are worthy of respect, I think that we will definitely qualify for the World Cup."

"What do you think will be your biggest weakness during this qualification?"

"Well, I think our biggest uncertainty will be our defense. Bojan and Carson can be a little injury prone, and both Vlasis and Hosea have had problems keeping fit over the years, but I think that our defense will be excellent with or without our starters."

"At a mere 22, people have said that you are to young lead, that you lack experience to effectively lead this team to qualification. What can you say to that?"

"Well, I don't believe that a person can answer those claims himself, otherwise that would be nothing more than sheer arrogance. I would have to say ask my teammates what they think of me, and see our results in the Premiership. I'm fully confident that will command the respect of anyone who doubts me. But I can only be justified during the qualifications, and we'll have to wait for those."

"Alright, thank you Westly. When we return to our show tonight, well talk with Okehampton Citizen keeper Dylan Hughes and Highlanders striker Gary Park about the Qorld Cup qualifications."

http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/vilita/vn/logo.gif


VILKAOUS SACKED!



--------------------The Tropics of Vilita were in a state of uncertain response as Vilitan Football Association representative Rory Issah stepped forward to the microphone. Issah, a former National Goalkeeper, who doubles on the staff of Vilitan Stellar division side Marine Coast United, has been speaking on behalf of the football association in recent times as a well respected member of the footballing community, and as the aggreable face that the Vilitan FA need to mask the every day shrewdness that comes with the operation of a competitive footballing association.

--------------------"Welcome, and thank you all for coming." Issah began with hundreds of anxious onlookers in the room, and thousands more listening live through the wonders of technological advancement. "For the past Eleven World Cups, Helmut Vilkaous has led the Vilita Jungle Cats National Team, and he has led them to a level at which not even myself could have ever dreamed of. It looked to some of us like it was going to be a long hard road after our first attempt to qualify for the World Cup Finals as we went on the road for World Cup 13 Qualifying. I travelled with that very squad, under Helmut Vilkaous's guidance, and it looked like all was lost as we went into the last match in last place having scored just 4 goals in 17. But that's just when Helmut Vilkaous was at his best. A convincing victory in the final match of qualifying gave us all hope, and a win over the much higher touted Weegies in the Cup of Tardy put us instantly on top of the world high on confidence for the World Cup 14 Qualifiers."

--------------------Issah looked around the room before finally spotting the representative from the Crystilakere Times. "Yea, you remember that Cup, don't you. We beat up on those Crystils, not just once but twice, then went on to win the Cup Of Harmony in sensational fashion, what a difference a cup made for wonder man Vilkaous, who continued to lead our incredible rise to the top of the footballing world by leading us to the World Cup Finals for the first time in World Cup 15. A historic Victory over Bedistan in World Cup 16 led us to the second round for the first time, once again under the guidance of Helmut Vilkaous. World Cup 18 saw the record 9-0 smashing of Maldunia, part of a record 30 games unbeaten in competitive world cup sanctioned matches. The amazing run came to an abrubt end in the finals of World Cup 19 at the hands of Nova Britannicus, and as our rivals lifted the first ever Atlantian Oceania trophy, some called for Vilkaous's dismissal." Issah began to get oddly animated in his long winded presentation, and some began to reconsider their thoughts on the point to Issah's ramblings.

--------------------"Helmut Vilkaous is not one for giving in to pressures, however. Not at all. He bounced back from the agony of not making the second round to take high profile skins in Eauz, Iansisle, Rejistania and Audioslavia on the way to the World Cup 20 title, a day which no Vilitan will soon forget." Issah paused a few moments, before continuing. "But, he did so with an ultimatum on his hands. After sitting down with Helmut after World Cup 19's dissapointing exit, the Vilitan Football Association made it clear that we would not tolerate dissapointment of that magnitude again. No past achievements, even the World Cup 20 title, can make up for a season without a World Cup knockout stage match. Failure to reach the second round of World Cup 23 has not only cost the Vilitan Fans the excitement and pride they deserve, but it has also cost the Vilitan Football Association their place inside the top 10 ranked nations of the World."

--------------------Issah had to wait as the room began to stir, before finally calming down once again. "It is with these factors in mind, that I am here to inform media and fans alike, that effective immediately, Helmut Vilkaous will no longer be coaching the Vilitan National Football/Soccer Team." The room erupted in commotion, and once again Issah had to wait for the atmosphere to calm. "At this point no replacement has been named, and the Vilitan Football Association is in no rush to instill a manager at this time." Being interuppted by media outlets around the room, Issah began taking note of their comments and responding as thriftly as he could. "Yes" Issah responded to one reporter, "Santo Kecker has done a marvelous job to bring the title of Atlantian Oceania's best back to Vilita, and he will certainly be one of those considered by the committee at the time a new manager will be chosen. We will also be watching the performances of the Under-21 side under Bryan 'Pop' Duiker very closely, as well as taking applications from other managers." This comment prompted many alert-minded reporters to interuppt in tune, "The Vilitan Football Association will be considering any applications received on the basis of ability and potential to succeed. Whether or not the applicant is Vilitan or has Vilitan heritage will not be taken into consideration. We will be looking to find the coach that is going to bring the World Cup back to Vilita, whoever that might be."

With that, Issah abrubtly ended the press conference as reporters hounded him on his way out the double wide swinging doors.

From: Alvin Ker <a_ker@asword.gov.rd>
To: Chris Gwee <cgwee@cnfc.org.rd>
Subject: Pre-WC24 Casual Report

Well, who would have thought we will have participated this long... yes, even though years and years have gone by, our squad hasn't even changed since WC22, yes age-resistance technology, just don't tell the other nations.. Anyway, this is an important WC for us, as you know, for two reasons: first, this is our 20th time participating. So long isn't it, all the way back when you were the one driving our nation to greater athletic achievement! 80 years have gone by since you stood by the benches and shouted slani at the other players, even though there was no knowledge of the word yet, nor of Rejistania, but that's besides the point...

The other momentous occasion is that we after 20WCs, we are FINALLY in the top 10... that is very big acheivement I must say... every year we improve be leaps, and it goes to show that our prowess is exceptional.

The taxi driver had no choice but to pull up outside the police cordon at number 65 Alfreton Heights. Roberto Di Bradini threw the man a handful of Credits and got out into the mid-morning air. Police cars were littered about the large driveway, and a tired-looking officer crossed the gravel drive towards him.

"I'm sorry, Sir," the Officer said, Robb noticed he had 'West' on his nametag, "there's been a murder here, we can't let you in."

"Who?" Robb demanded.

"Ceri Salisbury, Sir, the footb-" Officer West suddenly realised who he was looking at, "Mr Di Bradini! I'm sorry, sir, it's been a long night, I didn't recognise you."

"Never mind that, Officer," Robb said, "what the hell happened to Ceri?"

"I shouldn't really..." the Officer hesitated, "but what the hell, you and he were mates, right?"

"You're damn right," Robb said. Somehow he had always known that Ceri would get himself mixed up in this kind of thing. Always one for the Conspiracy Theory, was our Ceri. When he'd retired from football, everything had pointed to Excelsior coming in for him. And when Excelsior came calling, you didn't often say 'no'. Robb had never been approached, but then again he was too high in the public eye to work for them, his older brother even more so. What he hadn't expected, however, was to turn up at Ceri's invitation and find him dead, murdered by some unknown assailant.

Officer West led him through the grand double-doors and down the hallway to the library. Robb stepped uneasily through the door, the sheet on the floor covered most of Ceri's body, save for the extruding limbs.

"Remember that free-kick he scored against Liverpool England?" The cop smiled as he stood over the corpse, something to break the silence. "World Cup 18 Qualifiers, I think"

"Oh yeah," Robb replied with gusto, grateful for the oppurtunity to say something, "I was standing just behind him, hoping to confuse the 'keeper as to which one of us would take it. Beautiful shot, just beautiful. His best goal, I think."

Robb squatted down beside Ceri's out-stretched hand, seeing the effects of death take hold. He had extended all four of his fingers, tucking his thumb in underneath the hidden palm of his hand. That's odd, Robb thought, staring in between the fingers, looks like scratches.

"Can you hand me your torch, please, Officer West?"

"Nate," the cop said as he produced the torch. Robb swtiched it on and lit up the area underneath Ceri's hand.

"There," Robb said, "scratches on the floorboards."

Nate West moved the cold, dead hand of Ceri Salisbury slightly. Underneath it, scratched into the old, polished wooden floor were three characters.

"Almost looks like 'SDB'," Nate said, "but not quite."

"No, I think I know what it is," Robb replied, "and who it refers to. 58 and 6. Ceri's total of International Caps and Goals. Precisely the same as Khim Azanulbizarn."

Heikiu Mijanjii worked late on searching statistics about a number of international leagues. There was this paper about the reorganization of the league and it had to be ready for tomorrow and he had successfully procrastinated it so far... well procrastinate is not the right term, but 10% of the work normally take 90% of the time. Suddenly she heard a sound downstairs, at first she thought another exploitee, err, employee had to work late, but then she heard a strange noise, which did not sound like regular work, more like someone throwing a fit or trying to break into an office. She decided to go down and call the police if necessary. He went down the stairs and saw a strange person trying to unlock a door, he had some keys, but none of them seemed to work and he cursed about that. She knew that voice from somewhere... right, she heard him shouting expletives earlier already. She turned on the light and saw a person, she did not recognize quickly, he wore a yellow T-Shirt and blue jeans, even in his size and without holes. He was shaven and did not smell of pizza and coffee, despite that, it was Siki Rej. "Siki Rej su?" she asked surprised. No one knew where he has been for the last month and now he was here and apparently trying to open a room, at midnight.
"Yeah, I was on vacation!" he said and cracked a smile. "System Karela is a really beautiful nation!"

"What are you trying here?" asked Heikiu Mijanjii.

"To get into my room, I don't wanna sleep on the floor!"

"Err, your room is behind that door!"

"Oops" He unlocked the door with ease and looked in surprise into his 'cave'. "What happened here?"

"I guess the ASR cleaned the room..."

"right, that explains the smell!"

"It smells pretty neutral here!"

"Well, it used to smell differently here. By the way, why were you here at this time?"

They started talking about the league reorganisation and Siki Rej helped her with the data Hexatux has stored. For some reason, Hexatux has much domestic league data. The next morning, Rej'he wanted to tell his boss that he is present again, he saw a bow of chocolate in front of his door with 'thanks for the help' on it. For some reason, he was really happy on that day.

Margaret Smith stared out of the window across the street. The two years since his election defeat to his former aide, Andrew Idder, had taken their toll on him. While most of the rest of the country had sobered up, Smith was still in the same drunken state he'd been in for years. The view out of the pub window across the Coleford street was dull, despite the masses rushing about, tending to their everyday lives.

"See that busker over there?"

A well built man approached the table where Margaret had previously been sat alone.

Sure enough, Margaret looked over the street to see a busker where moments before there hadn't been one.

"Why does he do it?"

"Because he's skint?"

"You might think so, mightn't you. But look again."

"Why? Has he gone?"

"No. Look more at him than what he's doing."

"He needs a haircut?"

"Well, yes, but that's not what I mean. Look at the way he's dressed."

"He's just dressed normally."

"Exactly. Not like a man who can barely afford to dress himself. Think about our income equality, too. Second best in the region. Consider all these, and think again. Why is he doing it?"

"Uh... more money?"

"NO! Not the frikkin' money! He's doing it to get a message across. Because he believes in what he does. OK, he'll make a bit of money, but that's not how he survives, is it? Chances are, it's his day off, and he just wants to show what he believes in."

"Who are you, anyway?"

Margaret Smith looked confused. He'd just been talking to a big scary fella for a good few minutes without the faintest bit of knowledge of who he was.

"I could be the best thing that ever happened to you!"

"That's all well and good, but who the hell are you? A name would be a good start!"

"The name's Ed. Ed Wilson."

"Good, that's a start. Well Ed, why the hell have you come up to a stranger in a pub and started talking about buskers?"

"Well, first point, considering that you were President of Druida for nigh on twenty years, you aren't exactly a stranger. And point number two is that I haven't actually made my point yet."

"So if you haven't made your point yet, what the hell was the first point for?"

"Oh jeez. I guess it was true what they said about you being stupid."

"Hey, I'm not stupid, I'm just big boned!"

And with that, Margaret Smith fell asleep in his seat.

The A.F.A. Headquarters, Soundgardia. The head of the F.A. William Branston has gathered the usual rabble in his office. It is that time again to make The Decision. The Decision that will shape Audioslavian football for at least the next four years. With William is the president of the 'Audioslavian National League' James Stuart, the president of the 'Audioslavian County Championships' Didi Romanov (the ex Audioslavia full back), the sports minister Jonsi Torrini (the Melmondian who had a spell at Cornellby City, and whos son now plays for the 'slaves) and the F.A. Chairman, and ex Audioslavia striker, Daniel Bracken. They are all here to decide who should be the next manager of the Audioslavian national football team

William: Well. Lets get things started shall we?

Daniel: What? The pizza isnt here yet...

William: We can talk while we wait...

Didi: Talk while hungry?

William: Yes 'Didi', talk while we're waiting for the pizza. Right. What we are looking for is... how shall i put this....

James: The Arrival

William: Well put James. 'The Arrival'

James: 'The Arrival' of a man who can change Audioslavia's fortunes.

William: Yes, perfect. 'The Arrival' of a man who can change the shape of our futures

James: The Arrival of a man who can put the Audioslavian national team back on the map, and back in the top five where it belongs.

William: The Arrival of a man who can take the best of the present crop...

James: The Arrival of a man who can make this crop better than the past crop

William: The Arrival of a man who can build the template for future crops...

Daniel: and The Arrival....

The group look at Daniel, awaiting his effort of a grossly over-dramatic line to describe what a new Audioslavian manager could do for the country

Daniel: ...of a man...

Expectations grow. William smiles. He feels he has finally got his no-brain ex-footballer chairman to get in the swing of things. William had always loved to use glossy, sickeningly romanticised pap to describe things in the context of football, but Daniel never did. Perhaps because he felt that making football into poetry goes some way to nullifying the tribal, war-like associations that football has, which is really the very essence of football and shouldn't be tarnished with romanticised pap. Perhaps he didn't use such flowery language because he prefered to use the language of business; straightforward, no frills, exact language to ensure the best results. Equally though, perhaps it was because Danny's vocabulary stretched to about fifty words, of which 'Ug' was the shortest and 'Pepperoni' was the longest.

Daniel: ...who can...

William closes his eyes. He thinks about how Daniel's next words can take him into his 'happy happy football love place', where he can wade in the flowers of his sickeningy honey-glossed language and watch Audioslavian players scoring goal after goal while groups of Rejistanians, Crystilakerians and Vilitans are tortured in the background and made to scream the words 'i admit it! we cheated! Audioslavia are the best!' over and over again. Yes, yes, this is it, take me there Daniel... bring it to me baby...

Daniel: A man who can deliver the pizza

a cheer eminates from the ex-footballer side of the table. The 'my daddy owns a football club and got me a job in the F.A.' side of the table looks on. William looks on with a face like a fifteen year old boy, having sex for the first time, being made to pull out of his girlifriend before the Point of No Return by his mother.

Didi: Yeah!

Jonsi: Wooh!

William: ENOUGH!

William bangs his fist on the table. The group are silenced immediately

William: ENOUGH ABOUT THE FURRRRRRHHHHHKIN PIZZA

Didi: But how long is it gonna beeeeeee

Daniel: About ten inches i should think.

Didi: In which direction?

Daniel: ....all of them

William: SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU.

James: We do need to crack on with this...

William: Yes. Thankyou James.

Jonsi, Didi and Daniel hang their heads slightly. Jonsi's stomach rumbles

William: Right. The new Audioslavian manager. Any ideas?

Daniel: Well...

William: Daniel.. yes.. go..

Daniel: How about...

William: Yes Daniel, who...

Daniel: Ah! Thats it, i've got the perfect person for the job!

William: Yes! Who?

Daniel: Why don't we appoint Mr...

Didi: THE PIZZAS HERE!

The three ex footballers all leap to their feet, forgetting everything. It was Pizza Time, and all was well in the world. William sits there, dumbfounded. How the fuck did he get to be in this mess? He sighs. He would have to get a new manager all by himself, without the help of any kind of Audioslavian 'authority'.

to be continued...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v338/Oli55/Image3.png

Oliverry unvails new kits for World Cup 24

That's right! The Oliverrian Soccer Association unvailed new jersey. Jean-Alan Bellemort, team's captain and starting goalie, was here to wear those jerseys. When asked if ke liked these kits, he said: "I like these 100 times better than I liked the other ones. Even if I'll never wear these ones since I'm a goalkeeper, the team will look less strange with these kits than with the old ones". Here are these kits:

Home:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v338/Oli55/olisoccerjerseydark.png

Away:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v338/Oli55/olisoccerjerseywhite.png

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Vilkauos warns in Vilita (http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/34936/page=display_nation/nation=vilita) Threat

Former Tropics of Vilita (http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/34936/page=display_nation/nation=vilita) Coach Helmut Vilkauos today spoke at a press conference outside the city of Port Scadock, Druida, where he has temporarily relocated following his sacking from his position in charge of the Vilita Jungle Cats national team.

Taking questions from the media, questioning the former World Cup winning head coach about his plans for the future, Vilkauos said:

"I feel I will soon make my return to the greatest stage in all of sports in this great realm. No one will be taking me seriously, as I have not been able to return Vilita to the final since World Cup 20, and they will assume whatever I end up doing, I will slip up. They do not know that I have some of the best plans, that even money could not buy, and a long term goal for both myself, and my career. There are many nations out there that have a huge array of talent in the and I will be the one that puts the ball at the right players feet. I've already got my hand in on a deal and I think you will all be asking me questions of a different nature at the conclusion of the World Cup 24 final."

When asked about the prospect of coming up playing against Vilita:

"Like I say, it doesn't much matter who I come up against, obviously I would prefer some easy opposition to start off against, but on the other I would relish the test that a quick chance for revenge on those pesky Jungle Cats would bring. I will be looking at each team before each match with only one outlook, and that is to beat them. When it comes to Vilita, my goal would be to annhilate them. I know the ins and outs of every player on that team. If they think they can hide something from me, they're crazy. Don't you worry, you'll see me back on the sidelines before this thing's done with, and if Vilita is up in the other dugout, you'll see some beating for sure."


----------------

The Tropics of Vilita (http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/34936/page=display_nation/nation=vilita) Jungle Cats will be looking to return to the World Cup title after a dissapointing effort in World Cup 23 that saw them fail to advance to the Second Roung of competition. The Jungle Cats are poised to rebuild their reputation and regain their position inside the top ten rankings. Their squad will consist of mostly young stars from the National league, with a few experienced veterans, from the days before baseball was outlawed in the Nation, to guide them on their way to Glory.
------------------

"Good morning."

It was a press conference. KFA CEO Marshall Warzycha, Krytenian manager Alan Munitis, and a well-tanned middle-aged gentleman were sitting behind the mikes. Munitis continued to speak.

"You all would like to know why you've been called here today. Well, we're taking part in a little...experiment. I'm nearly seventy now, and I can't carry on forever, but everyone would like the best manager for the job. Well, now everyone will have a chance to choose them. May I present, on my left, Mr Marshall Warzycha, and on my right," he points toward the tanned man, "former Turori manager and now internatonal KFA representative for World Cup Twenty-Four, Maritius Banda!"

Sounds of confusion ensued from the crowd of journalists.

"These people will be the judges of a brand new programme, to be shown on the Krytenia Broadcast Service and Krytie TV Cable International, which will decide the next manager of Krytenia!"

Twenty-nine members of the press stopped in stunned silence.

Wilson makes retirement official

WOODSTOCK (ASP) -- Sarzonian national team coach Dave Wilson officially turned in his retirement papers today, ending his tenure as the Stars field boss after the Stars end their World Cup XXIV run.

Wilson, who took over the team after Bryan Marshall was killed in an automobile accident during the Cup of Harmony following World Cup XVII, has a record of 74-20-23 as the team's field boss in six World Cup qualifying campaigns and has guided the team to five consecutive World Cup finals berths. The team has won two titles, the 10th Cup of Harmony following World Cup XVIII and World Cup XXII, under Wilson's watch.

"Today is a bittersweet day for me," Wilson said at a hastily-arranged press conference after turning in his retirement papers. "But I realise that it's time to let someone else run the team. Six World Cup qualifying campaigns as head coach is an awful long time. I have some other goals in mind and I'd like to get a chance to see my grandkids."

The team has announced that it is accepting applications for the successor to Dave Wilson, and that successor will guide the team beginning with World Cup XXV qualifying. Domestic applicants include former Under 21 national team boss Cal Trottier, who has expressed an interest in returning to coaching, along with former Legalese national team coach Barry Owens. Chris Trautwig, the team's current assistant coach, will also be given an opportunity, according to Incorporated Football Chairman Terry Mangione.

But whoever takes over the team will have enormous shoes to fill. But David Andrew Wilson has some advice for his successor to be, based on his own experience taking over for Marshall.

"You've got to be your own man," he said. "Run the system you think is best for this team. Don't think about following in my footsteps. You can't get caught up in trying to chase legends. Be your own legend." Wilson followed that advice when he took over for Marshall, and by the looks of his record, he may have succeeded.

"Police today stepped up their investigations to find the killer of former Starblaydi International Footballer Ceri Salisbury. Salisbury, found dead three days ago in his Alfreton mansion, was shot by an unknown assailant. Police confirm they are speaking to former teammates at both club and international level.

"The Starblaydi Football Association have confirmed that the national team will be wearing black away kits as 'a mark of respect to Ceri's contribution to the national game'."

*****

"Why did the clue Ceri left scratched into the floor point to you, Khim?"

This was supposed to be a 'friendly chat', Khim thought, a recorded conversation with a pair of detectives playing 'good cop-bad cop'.

"I donnae bloody know, do I?" Khim protested, I 'aven't seen 'im since last year."

"And precisely when was this?" the 'bad cop' asked, jumping on this new piece of information that Khim had dropped for them.

"In Total n Utter Insanity," Khim said, "the Under-21 World Cup, ye ken?"

"So what happened," Bad Cop said again, "you got into an arguement because your team were so crap, then you decided to get him good and proper when you got back home?"

"Don't be a kruti," Khim was obviously disgusted by the idea, especially as Dwarves weren't known for their acting ablities. Well, they were, but they were just known for not having any, "I wouldnae wish any harm on Ceri, he was my mate!"

*****

"You know you were the last one of 'us' he spoke to," Robb said, "right, Khim?"

"Ah was?" Khim was surprised.

"Yup," Robb confirmed, "he had locked himself away, by all accounts, over the last twelve months. Which makes anything he said to you doubly-important. Do you remember what he said?"

Khim thought back to their last meeting (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9360007&postcount=60). It hadn't made much sense at the time - and still didn't, even if he really thought about it - but where in their conversations was there a clue to what was going on?

"Patterns," Khim said after a moment, "and randomness, and information and stuff. Landmarks, I think."

"You think we should look for patterns in places?" Robb was forming an idea.

"Aye," said Khim, forming an idea of his own, "I'll get me trike. Next stop, Alfreton Heights."

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football

BFA to stay the course for World Cup 24

AMISSVILLE -- In a brief statement given today at headquarters, Bedistan Football Association president Sam Bacon announced that there would be "few, if any" changes to the Bedistan national team's philosophy and management for the upcoming World Cup qualifiers.

"Mike Davidson is doing a fine job at the helm," Bacon said when questioned whether or not Davidson would remain the team's manager. "I know we were all hoping for another top-three finish, but come on, fourth place isn't bad. A lot of other FAs will fire their national team managers at the drop of a hat after a slightly-not-quite-as-good-as-expected performance. Perhaps they haven't considered that the continual changes in management might be causing the inconsistency in the first place. Trust me, Mike Davidson still has my full support. Like they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

William Branston was pissed off. He was as pissed off as a tramp who'd stubbed his toe on a vending machine. He was as pissed off as the pope would be if he found out his chief aide was a Rangers fan. He was as pissed off as God would be at the idea that His divine hand would do something such as help a dumpy little Argentine cheat in the game that His Divineness himself had created. He knew he was as pissed off as an Audioslavian would be in a world chock-a-block with no pizza, and that was pissing him off too. As Didi, Daniel and Jonsi tucked into their extra large Pepperoni and gulped down their 'World Cup Juice'* William made a short excuse to James and proceeded to leave the room, the building, the city and finally, by way of a chartered flight to Lemmitania, the country.

William didn't like the plane. It was cramped, he reckoned it was Lemmitanian-made so that made it at least eighty years old, and it smelled of poor people. Plus, they were selling World Cup Juice. William HATED World Cup Juice. He felt its existence did nothing but mock his beloved 'slaves. In fact, he was entirely right. 'World Cup Juice' was manufactured a few years ago. It is modelled on the average Audioslavian world cup run. It starts off tasting awful, but gets better the more you drink it until just before you finish and you're expecting to be left with a cup, all you get is a taste of sour grapes and the phrase 'Please deposit this cup in a Vilitan, Rejistanian or Crystilakerian bottle bank. Thankyou for drinking World Cup Juice, please try again'. imprinted on the bottom. It mocked Audioslavian football, and William believed it was mocking him also. He'd heard that, in Rejistania, they also had World Cup Juice. There version was different though. The juice tasted as dull as dishwater, but at least at the end you got a big shiny star at the bottom the cup, complete with the words 'please affix to shirt'. William had also heard that Sarzonian World Cup Juice was manufactured to taste of nothing so that you didn't notice you were drinking it until you're looking at the bottom of the cup and reading a notice saying 'yep, you get to keep the cup. well done'. That happens just before you collapse, blissfully aware that it was 80% proof all along. Insanician World Cup Juice would theoretically be the same, but as well as collapsing in a drunken stupor, hell would freeze over, every day in the month turn into a Sunday, the pope would take part in an orange march, the moon would turn blue and the cows would come home.

Wha? Where was I? Oh yeah, William on the plane.

"Barman? i'd like a drink". William was drunk. In between Soundgardia and the Auden International Airport he had been tucking into his flask of brandy. That, coupled with the pint of lager from the airport bar, threesomed with the seven whiskeys he'd had on the plane and full-on gangbanged with his complete inability to take his alcohol, had made William as drunk as a skunk in Ireland. During St. Patrick's day. "ffssh Barman!?!" he repeated. There was no barman, there was no bar. All there was was a slightly irritated Vilitan trolley-dolly trying to sell him some coffee. "Coffee?!" William exclaimed, looking up at both the trolley dollies. They were both called Mauritus and looked exactly the same. Interesting.
"I can't drink furrrrkhen Coffee, give me a Jamesons. Double. Neat. On the stones."
"Rocks" replied Mauritus. "On Rocks". William sat back and grinned. "Yes" he said with an air of triumphancy. "One does rock, doesn't one". William made the devil-horn symbol at Mauritus, keeled over, and promptly fell asleep in his half-eaten in-flight meal.

To be continued

With a start, William sat bolt upright. Where am i? How long had i been asleep? Why on earth does my head hurt? Why can't i see? 'Woah there' he thought. 'Lets stop there. Let's deal with those four questions one at a time'.

"OK" thought William. "Question One. 'Where am I'". That was an easy one. He'd just heard a voice say 'Vilita', so he must be there. This puzzled him. "What would i be doing in Vilita?" he asked himself. "Steady now William" he replied "Lets get the initial questions out of the way first. Number two, 'how long have i been asleep'". Trickier. "Since... since i last fell unconscious?". William's brain gave him a tired look. "Fine, fine, a cop-out but fine. Right, question three.."
"Its OK" said William. "I can answer three and four at the same time". William relaxed into his seat. "I'm hungover!" he called out. "Thats why my head hurts, and thats why i can't see. Mauritus the trolley-dolley gave him a congraturary pat on the back.
"Well done Mr. Branstone, well done indeed, but i believe you only get 75%. Only good enough for a B+ i'm afraid"
"Wha... what? How did you read my thoughts?" William thought. Or at least he thought he thought.
"I can't, you've been talking to yourself" replied Mauritus. The irritability in his voice had gone, replaced by a calm, jovial, almost mocking tone.
"Oh" said William, rather sheepishly. "...what question did i get wrong?"
"The fourth question. About why you can't see"
Mauritus removed the piece of microwaved chicken that was stuck to William's forehead. Mauritus then proceeded to get up and walk away, offering a polite "Welcome to Vilita" as he left.
"Ah!" William exclaimed. "Much better! Thankyou!"

"Vilita?" This wasn't right. "What on earth would I be doing in Vilita".
"Ah, that old chestnut" replied William's brain. I can answer that one for you, actually.
"Mauritus?"
"No, brain"
"Oh, hello again"
"Yes... hello... well you see Willy, can i call you Willy?"
"No you can't. Only my penis calls me Willy"
"Right. William it is. Well William, the reason you are in Vilita is..."
"Yes"
"Because you tried to book a flight for Lemmitania whilst drunk. You mumbled incoherently at the pretty girl at the flight-desk for a minute, before cursing Vilita for taking World Cup 20. Whether she got the impression that you wanted to go to Vilita, or she just wanted to get rid of you because you were being an arsehole, is unclear at this point. Either way, you got a flight to Vilita."
"But.." William was tired, even though he'd been asleep since he fell unconscious. "But.. i saw Lemmitania, i heard someone announce we were flying over Lemmitania...".
"We did. We did a fly over about five hours ago. Welcome to Vilita. Again."

A shit day had turned to a worse night, and that night had materialised into another shit night despite there being only five hours between the two corresponding nights. Jet Lag was indeed a bitch, but who wouldn't be if dyslexic people kept coming up to you and complimenting you on your martial arts skills.

Tired, confused and lonely, William looked for a hotel. There was a semi-decent one right outside the airport, so he went there. A long conversation with the girl in the lobby about how you can't spend Audioslavian money in Vilita was settled by the unveiling of one of William's many credit cards, and William retired to his bedroom. Not that he could sleep. The Jet Lag had messed him up too bad. William looked down at the lower half of his body. His legs were offering him a walk, his penis was offering him a wank. If he did either of these things he might well tire himself out enough for a quick nap. If he did both, he'd be arrested and probably forced to sleep by a policeman's truncheon. In an unprecedented turn of events, he went for a walk.

to be continued...

Megali Lavra
The Archregimancy

Twenty monks, all of them known for their prowess at the sport of football, have been summoned to a chamber in the refectory of the Megali Lavra, capital of the Archregimancy.

They recognise each other, for some are teammates, and the rest have often met each other on the field of play.

Among them are Fr. Justinian the Thrice-Blessed, roundly acknowledged as the finest goalkeeper in the Archregimancy, Fr. Silouan of the Seventy Caves, whose goal-scoring ability is almost as famous as his attention to the Holy Fasts, and Fr. David the Water-Drinker, who spurns the heretical properties of Gatorade for the blessed properties of pure spring water.

Why they have been gathered together in this room is a mystery.

Suddenly, there is commotion as the Archregimand himself enters the refectory.

"Greetings, fathers. No doubt you are wondering what brings you here today. It is my pleasure to announce to you that His Imperial Majesty the Basileus of the Holy Empire of Alasdair I Frosticus is nostalgic for the days when that mighty nation was a force to be reckoned with in World Football. While the days of World Cup 2 can never return, and His Majesty is reluctant to allow Alasdair I Frosticus itself to leave its pure isolation in the Dreamed Realm and engage with the corrupting influence of the real world, His Majesty has decided to allow a team from the Archregimancy to enter World Cup 24."

Further commotion ensues as the monks suddenly grasp what is to be asked of them.

"Now settle down. I know you're monks - and a couple of celibate priests - and I know most of you would prefer the peace and quiet of your daily lives to the noise and distraction of the physical world, but that can't be helped. If the region of the Dreamed Realm is going to be represented in the World Cup, and if Alasdair I Frosticus isn't going to enter, then it has to be the Archregimancy. The Basileus has spoken, and that's that. You twenty players represent the very finest of the Monastic League. We have every confidence that you can be competitive. I can promise you a full support staff while you're away from the Archregimancy consisting of a physician, three confessors, and a handy phrase book translating how to curse heretics in one hundred and ninety two languages of the physical world. We've even had your clerical robes refitted for increased playing efficiency. And who knows, maybe you'll even make a few converts while you're out there....

Oh, and one last thing... A message from the Basileus himself: If you can't convert 'em, beat 'em"

The monks were dismissed. A great adventure awaited them. The honour of both the Dreamed Realm and the Holy Church was theirs to uphold. But for now their attention turned to working out who else was on the squad...


Squad to be posted on the roster page on Monday....

VILKAOUS SACKED!
"The Vilitan Football Association will be considering any applications received on the basis of ability and potential to succeed. Whether or not the applicant is Vilitan or has Vilitan heritage will not be taken into consideration. We will be looking to find the coach that is going to bring the World Cup back to Vilita, whoever that might be."

Dear Sirs,

Following the regettable departure of Helmut Vilkaous, I am writing to apply for the vacant position of Vilita's nation football manager. My footballing CV is enclosed.

Yours faithfully,

Simeone Di Bradini

[see attached] (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Simeone_Di_Bradini)

Coach Sought!

The Archregimancy hereby officially announces that it is actively seeking a coach for the national squad ahead of the upcoming World Cup qualifiers.

Applicants must meet the following qualifications:

1) 5 years experience coaching at an international level

2) A full and current coaching certificate

3) Baptised and practising member of the Orthodox Church

4) 4 years celibacy

Applications should be made to the headquarters of the Monastic Football Federation in Megali Lavra.

- an apartment somewhere in New Montreal -

Patrice: So, d'you hear about the position down at the Archregimency?

Jean-Claude: You serious? You don't have 5 years coaching at international level. Nobody in NMS has...

Patrice: You read the other requirements? Where are they gonna find any other Orthodox Christians who're good at soccer? NMS is one of the few Orthodox nations to ever have entered the World Cup.

Jean-Claude: And you DID have that little accident when...

Patrice: Yeah, shut up. Anyway, I got the celebacy down...

Jean-Claude: For the rest of your boring ass life...

Patrice: Ten years coaching St-Pierre et St-Bernard, that's some of the best experience you can get dealing with spoiled prima donnas. How can international players be any tougher?

Jean-Claude: They probably won't listen to someone who got his manhood cut off...

Patrice: Ah, what do you know?

*fills out application*

Meanwhile, in the next day's Montreal Presse-Journal-Devoir:

STATES TO RETURN TO WORLD CUP SOCCER

Rest of world goes: "huh?"

NEW MONTREAL - Angeline St-Marcel, national Minister of Morale, announced yesterday that New Montreal States would be returning to World Cup Soccer action as part of World Cup 24.

"We haven't bothered entering since WC11, where as you all know we stormed out of nowhere to finish in 4th place."

"Our new coach, Jean-Rene Filon, was a member of Frog's Academy in that tournament, and was part of the team sent to the playoffs."

"A full list of the schools to be participating in qualifiers will be posted (OOC: check the roster thread) when our opponents in qualifying are announced."

The news was greeted with cheering on the streets of major cities, where one delirious fan commented: "We're gonna ROCK someone's WORLD, and then we're gonna win it all this time!" He then puked on this reporter's shoes and passed out drunk.

Chief Paladin Frog had this to say: "My main concern right now is to keep the rioting to a minimum this time. Also, it would be nice if people remembered NOT to climb on the Paladin Dome roof during the victory parade, since I hate having 10,000 people die on what's supposed to be a happy day."

Venues for qualifying are being prepared, the largest of which is a more structually sound Paladin Dome in New Montreal, with the capacity for 150,000.

Other venues include Antioch Municipal Field in New Antioch (cap. 125000), Patriot Stadium in Valdemont (cap 120000) and Southern Coliseum in Angiers (cap 115000).

Proposels to bring a game or two to St. James in occupied Bigtopia are being discussed, pending military approval and the forthcoming report on rebel activities in the area (pg. 3).

---------------------------------

Buried in the back of the Sport section:

CASTRATED FORMER PLAYER TO APPLY FOR ARCHREGIMANCY JOB

We hope they don't hurt themselves laughing when they hear what happened

Patrice Thibault, the former midfielder for the Valdemont Rocks and current coach of St-Pierre et St-Bernard School in New Montreal, has announced that he will be applying for the post of head coach for The Archregimancy's WC24 team.

"I feel that I bring certain necessary qualities to the job," he said to the NMS-Presse reporter who interviewed him at his New Montreal apartment.

"My experiences playing under pressure during WC11 will translate nicely to the stresses of coaching World Cup Soccer."

"Also, they were looking for someone who won't sleep around, and, well, you know..." he added.

Thibault is perhaps best known for his accidental castration, a sordid tale involving a bottle of beer, a municipal bus, and a jealous ex-lover that we need not delve into further here.

Archregency officials did not care to comment at the current time. Jaques Jean-Baptiste, principal at St-Pierre et St-Bernard, did not return a call we made before we went to press.

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Official Application of Employment
The Archregimancy National Coach
Monastic Football Federation
Megali Lavra, The Archregimancy



To the Influential Members of the Monastic Football Federation:

---------------------I am very excited to write you after recently coming accross the knowledge that the Archregimancy would be looking for a new national football coach. Naturally, I was interested from the moment I heard the Archregimancy was looking. However, after being further introduced to the requirements of the position, I can now safely say that I am certain this is the job for me.

---------------------My name is Boaibou Houabou, and I am a Turorian National. I have 15 years experience playing professional sport, including 11 seasons in the world reknowned Vilitan Domestic League. My career as a player ended at Kionao Locals Turori, a club that currently resides in the Vilitan Stellar Division, widely respected as one of, if not the most competitive domestic league in NationStates. In my final seasons at Kionao Locals I earned my full coaching certificate and began working with long time teammate Gisterfred Q. Disterfred, a former Turorian International coach himself, in coaching the domestic club. I left Kionao at the request of the Turorian Football Association and took over as the head coach of the Turori Electric Eels team. After 7 years with the Electric Eels, I am now prepared to move on. Being looked down on for years due to my religious upbringing, and rejected by women due to my childish and weakly constructed name, I am looking for a new start and The Archregimancy is the place to get it.


Thank You for your Time,

Boaibou Houabou

Boaibou Houabou

Lardantuon Formation Revealed!
442 is The Formation For This Team
The Pig Dragons Manager Revealed Last Night 442 Fomation Was To Be Used
Manager Jamie Marjoram Said Last Night" I think 4-4-2 Will suit our team because Emre And o Riley Bilkston Will Fly Down The Wings Using Skill To shatter other teams defence the, centre midfield will help the defence if the wingers are progressing and if the wingers are just holding back Marjoram(Ben)And Mckormack will Progress up the field helping the strikers. i also like 4-4-2 because you have a strong Defence and i have a strong attack and as well as that my midfielders will help the strikers all the time unless the opposition has the Ball. Later Marjoram Stated his team formation
Defence Goal- Jamie
Centre Backs-Phil Laggot And Grump
Left And Right Backs- Bill Schmill And Lardo
After The Manager Said He Would Reveal Midfield And Striker Positions Later

Republic Of Lardantuon Midfield and Forwards Announced
Wingers- Abbreas Emre and O Riley
Centre Midfielders-Ben Marjoram And Dan MCkormack
Strikers-Centre-Flabbo Pieface(Captain)-Adam Norton(Vice Captain)

Manager And Keeper Jamie Marjoram Said These Words"
If They Get To The Quarters(Probably Not) Theyll of proved me and themselves wrong Ill Be Proud As Hell! If They Dont But Do Well They Did Good If They dont get a good spot They Tried. I hope They Do Well.(Last Words on this matter).
Lardantuon Team Numbers Decided!!
Defence
1-Jamie Marjoram
2Phil Laggott
3Lardo
6Grump
18Bill Schmill
Midfield
7Abbreas Emre
8Ben Marjoram
32 O Riley Bilkston
11 Dan Mckormack
Forwards
9 Flabbo Pieface
10 Adam Norton
Subs
13 Tramp-GoalKeeper
17Bob-Defender
15 Last Minuite Decision Not In Main Roster-Konrad Blobbo- Decent Everything-Midfield

Lardantuon RP Rules
RP MESSAGE
If My Opponent RPs First This Is What They Can Do
Name Goalscorers
Godmod Scoring Events
Godmod Other Events
Send Off-Lardo- Flabbo Pieface
Yellow Card- Anyone Not Twice Except For-Flabbo And Lardo

If Opponent RPs First They Cannot

Godmod Injuries
Send Off Anyone Except Lardo And Flabbo
If Opponents Score Cannot Be By Pig Dragons Own Goal
Lardantuon RP Rules

Lardantuon Stadium Announced!!
Pig-Dragon Arena Finished-Finally!!

Chairman And Living God Flabbicus Has Just Revealed Himself As Chairman Of Lardantuons FA And Of Their National Team. He Also Revealed The Pig -Dragons New Stadium VIA Pin Up Information Leaflet Which Had Details On And The Main Details and Are To Be Read Now.

Name- Pig Dragons Arena
Stands-Lardantuon Stand, Flabbicus Stand, Pig Stand Dragon Stand Pig-Dragon Stand,And Finally The Box Area.
Floor-Marble In Box Area Tile In Other. Seat Colour Red And Black In Pig-Dragon Stand Black Words Read Pig Dragons-Services-Toilets-Food Buying Area-Flabbos Bar(Posh 7 Million Quids Worth Bar)Box Restauraunt(Box Seaters Only

Seats 57,600 [COLOR=Navy]

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

Mass panic grips Bedistani football fans

SONOMA CITY -- Walking along the streets of Sonoma City, home of Bedistan's premier sporting venue, Fillmore National Stadium, home of the World Cup 18 final, you'll find that citizens tend to be walking a bit more quickly and talking a bit less these days. It seems almost as though everyone has become deathly afraid of something.

But a quick poll tells us there's no "almost" about it.

One citizen who preferred to give us only her first name, Rhonda, explained the situation to us very briefly: "Three letters. N. M. S." She then quickly turned and ran away.

NMS...what is that supposed to mean? I suppose it could be the National Meterological Society, but apart from them predicting an incredibly active tropical weather system this year, it seems like there is nothing to be feared from them. No, I'd say there's a much more likely explanation.

Flashback to World Cup 10 qualifying, matchday eleven. The Bedistan Lions were riding what was then an all-time high, having finished in the top four in the last three Cups and ranked #4 in the world (this was back in the pre-KPB days). The Lions played at home that day against a pretty much unknown opponent that we had already defeated at their home ground (though admittedly by a narrow 1-0 scoreline). Which nation did this opponent hail from, you ask? Most of you senior citizens out there know the answer, of course - we refer, after all, to the infamous New Montreal States. And on that day, the States did the unthinkable, toppling the Lions one-nil in what was thought to be the safety of Columbia's Holmes Stadium, which served as our national stadium at the time. And that night, rioting from both sides caused Columbia to burn, causing incredible amounts of damage.

"But what does that have to do with current events?" I hear you ask. And in answer to that question, I refer you to yesterday's edition of the Montreal Presse-Journal-Devoir. My friends, the impossible has occurred: the States are returning to the World Cup. And that is what has the people of Sonoma City so terrified. All we can do now is pray that they don't get drawn into our qualifying group.

----

OOC: Welcome back NMS. :D

The Bureaucratic Tribune
Presented to you in beautifully generic typeface since 1603

WE'RE ECSTATIC!

MEGALOPOLIS CITY (BT) -- Going into World Cup 24, Oglethorpia is ranked 53rd in the world, a large part of the country's football-saavy populace overjoyed at the news. "That's better than 80th or 90th or whatever we were going into World Cup 23!" explained one Ostriches-fan.

For a more detailed look at what exactly the Ostriches 53rd in-the-world ranking means, we went to Ken Lavender, mathmetician and football statistics analyst. "Well, we're ranked 53rd for World Cup 24, which is good, because that's better than 80th or 90th or whatever we were for World Cup 23, how could you possibly expect me to remember that specific number, like i'm some sort of mathmetician or football statistics analyst or something?! That's asinine, and I kindly ask you to leave, this illegally-acquired firearm in hand and pointed at you."

But from others we received a more detailed look at the numbers. "Well," said coach Torrence Black, "I guess that means there are 52 nations in the world better than us. I dunno, you act like I have something to do with the team, like being the coach, or manager, or head-moral-supporter, or something. Damn."

Nevertheless, and despite an all-encompassing lack of understanding of the significance (or insignifance) of Oglethorpia's new international ranking in the football world, none have seen it proper to end any celebration of the misunderstood fact. "Ignorance is bliss," said some well-known philosopher.

"They better keep up the jingoism, because in a few weeks when the Cup starts it should all end, me with my typically-dismal and unhopeful prediction for the Ostriches' preformance," jabbed OAF President Joe Staplin.

Oglethorpia hopes to end a three-World Cup streak of non-qualifications with World Cup 24.

Two job applications received!
The Archregimancy responds:

Dear Mr. Houabou of Turori and Mr. Thibault of New Montreal States

Thank you very much for your applications. We are pleased indeed that two potentially qualified sons of the Church are interested in the position.

Please find enclosed the next stage of your application. Should you be able to complete this application satisfactorily, we will transport you to the Archregimancy for an interview.

1) What is your preferred tactical formation?

2) The filioque clause - heretical or Orthodox?

3) Would you substitute a player who, despite playing well, has sinfully conceded an unnecessary penalty?

4) Under which Patriarchal jurisdiction were you baptised?

5) If mercilessly hacked down by the opposition, is it better to turn the other cheek or seek revenge?

6) Which of the following is not a heresy?: Arianism, Monophysitism, Monoenergism, Nestorianism

7) How long have you been celibate?
(Mr. Thibault, please be assured that castration does not disqualify candidates provided that said castration was indeed accidental - we don't want any latter-day Origens coaching our squad)

8) The Pope of Rome: Father of the Church or schismatic heretic in league with Freemasons?

Thank you for your time,

The Scribes of the Archregimancy

Two job applications received!
The Archregimancy responds:

Dear Mr. Houabou of Turori and Mr. Thibault of New Montreal States

Thank you very much for your applications. We are pleased indeed that two potentially qualified sons of the Church are interested in the position.

Please find enclosed the next stage of your application. Should you be able to complete this application satisfactorily, we will transport you to the Archregimancy for an interview.

1) What is your preferred tactical formation?

2) The filioque clause - heretical or Orthodox?

3) Would you substitute a player who, despite playing well, has sinfully conceded an unnecessary penalty?

4) Under which Patriarchal jurisdiction were you baptised?

5) If mercilessly hacked down by the opposition, is it better to turn the other cheek or seek revenge?

6) Which of the following is not a heresy?: Arianism, Monophysitism, Monoenergism, Nestorianism

7) How long have you been celibate?
(Mr. Thibault, please be assured that castration does not disqualify candidates provided that said castration was indeed accidental - we don't want any latter-day Origens coaching our squad)

8) The Pope of Rome: Father of the Church or schismatic heretic in league with Freemasons?

Thank you for your time,

The Scribes of the Archregimancy

Jean-Claude: Wow. This boggles the mind. Do they want a church historian or a soccer coach?

Patrice: I've been reading up on the place, and I think that a lot of this will actually figure in to daily life.

Jean-Claude (flipping through book): Dude. Who cut off their party glands?

Patrice: Not funny.

Jean-Claude: Not joking. Nightlife: "The traditional nightlife of the Archregimency consists of Great Vespers, usually chanted in the Byzantine style. The second plagal mode has been enjoying a recent upswing in popularity, although it has been rejected as too trendy by many conservative priests." (pause) What the hell is a mode, and if it's plagal does that mean it's contagious?

Patrice: Umm...

Jean-Claude: I guess their idea of a good time involves catching a disease. In a church. During vespers. Hey, whatever turns them on, I guess.

Patrice: I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

-----------

Sirs -

This is in response to your questionnaire on my religious and soccer philosophies. Please find enclosed my answer sheet. Thank you for your consideration of my application.

I remain,

Patrice Thibault

ANSWER SHEET

1) I have found that shifting formations is the best method of seizing and holding a lead. When playing to score, I deploy a 4-4-2 or even a 3-5-2 on occasion. When defending a lead I prefer a 5-4-1 or a 4-5-1 for better defensive coverage. Smooth transitions are essential when shifting formation, and will be a central part of my early practices.

2) Heretical. It wasn't originally part of the Creed, and therefore is not Orthodox but an unnecessary and dangerous innovation.

3) If the game were close and the player was crucial, I would not remove him but resort to fines, or perhaps fasting, as punishment for his misdeeds. Since I am willing to make this exception, I will extend that policy to all players, lest I be accused of favoritism.

4) The autocephalous patriarchate of New Montreal, responsible for the souls of about 1.15 billion Orthodox New Montrealers.

5) One must turn the other cheek so as to keep one's focus on the game as well as to obey the teachings of God.

6) Monoenergism. For sure.

7) I have been celibate out of physical disability since my accidental castration 6 years ago.

8) Both. It depends on which Pope you are talking about.

Sirs -

This is in response to your questionnaire on my religious and soccer philosophies. Please find enclosed my answer sheet. Thank you for your consideration of my application.

I remain,

Patrice Thibault

ANSWER SHEET

1) I have found that shifting formations is the best method of seizing and holding a lead. When playing to score, I deploy a 4-4-2 or even a 3-5-2 on occasion. When defending a lead I prefer a 5-4-1 or a 4-5-1 for better defensive coverage. Smooth transitions are essential when shifting formation, and will be a central part of my early practices.

2) Heretical. It wasn't originally part of the Creed, and therefore is not Orthodox but an unnecessary and dangerous innovation.

3) If the game were close and the player was crucial, I would not remove him but resort to fines, or perhaps fasting, as punishment for his misdeeds. Since I am willing to make this exception, I will extend that policy to all players, lest I be accused of favoritism.

4) The autocephalous patriarchate of New Montreal, responsible for the souls of about 1.15 billion Orthodox New Montrealers.

5) One must turn the other cheek so as to keep one's focus on the game as well as to obey the teachings of God.

6) Monoenergism. For sure.

7) I have been celibate out of physical disability since my accidental castration 6 years ago.

8) Both. It depends on which Pope you are talking about.

Please note:
Applications for this position are now closed

Dear Monsieur Thibault,

It is with deepest regret that we feel compelled to reject your application. While your devotion to the Orthodox Church is commendable - and your knowledge of nightlife in the Archregimancy nothing short of astounding - you failed to spot that question 6 was in fact a trick question. All four are heretical, Monoenergism being an attempt to compromise between the Orthodox belief that Christ has two natures and the Monophysite view that Christ has one "will". It was abandoned in the 7th century after rejection by the Patriarchs of Jerusalem and Rome.

While we realise that this may strike you as a minor point, and most of the squad are willing to overlook this single incorrect answer, our goalkeeper Fr. Justinian the Thrice-Blessed is insisting that anyone willing to overlook the 7th century Heraclian heresies is unworthy to coach the national team.

Just between us, at this point finding a coach acceptable to all of the squad is proving to be so difficult that we'd personally be willing to hire anyone who was willing to swear that he wouldn't play a 6-6-6 formation.

Perhaps we can convince Metropolitan Kyrill to withdraw his resignation and return as coach...

Yours,

The Scribes of the Archregimancy


OOC:
PS - loved this!: "The traditional nightlife of the Archregimency consists of Great Vespers, usually chanted in the Byzantine style. The second plagal mode has been enjoying a recent upswing in popularity, although it has been rejected as too trendy by many conservative priests."

<You're watching KBS One. And now, the first in a new series, as the nation builds up to World Cup Twenty-Four, we follow the search for a new manager in...Boss Idol!>

Voiceover: Hello, and welcome to Oxley Park here in Everton City. I'm Gary Terzza, and now, welcome into the studio...Desmond Lineham and Michaela Davine!

MD: Good Evening and welcome to Boss Idol! We'll be underway in just a few moments, we'll meet the ten men vying for the place as Krytenian National Manager for World Cup Twenty-Five!

DL: That's right Michaela, but before we meet the dugout gladiators, it's back to Gary for the rules of the show.

GT: Right, we have ten managers, and each will be assigned Sunday League teams of similar skills. These teams will be known by their colours: Red, Blue, Yellow, Green, Orange, Purple, Pink, Brown, Grey, and Black. Each team plays two games during the week, drawn at random. Any manager whose team wins both of their games automatically grants themselves safe passage into the next week. The judges will pass judgement on all the managers, and then the vote will be opened to you, the viewer. Vote for the manager you feel should stay. The two managers with the least votes will be back up before the judges, and it is they who decide which goes. Don't worry, it's easier than it sounds....

DL: And now, the moment you've been waiting for. It's time to see who's who.
Michaela, the balls, please.

DL: First of all, the Red manager. Let's pick a boss!

MD: And the Red Team manager will be...EDWARD JOHNSON!

GT: Edward Johnson of Nova Britannicus, former player and now first-team coach of AFC Avidia. Just forty years old, does he have the temerity to succeed?

DL: And now the Blue Team. Michaela?

MD: OK, here we go...(she picks and opens another ball)...ARI SMITH!

GT: Ari Smith, Krytenian legend, AOCAF Team joint manager, and boss of Patriots Everton. And a cheeky smile that belies his fifty-four years.

DL: Who's next?

MD: It's the Yellow Team, and...(another ball)...MAXWELL SCIANDRI!

DL: (chuckles) Maxwell?

GT: Finishing consistently in the top three in the Overleague is no mean feat, but Max Sciandri has managed that at Stanton Town...and he's still only forty-four. One of the bookies' dark horses - can he go all the way?

DL: Right, let's go for the Greens next.

MD: OK Des...Oh! ADAM VERNAZZA!

GT: Adam Vernazza - a champion manager in Melmond for Morales, a champion manager in Krytenia for Ousevale. Seventy-nine caps, and one of the world's best goalkeepers in his heyday...can the fifty-one year old take this prize too?

DL: Moving on, and it's the Rejistanian favourite, the Orange Team.

MD: No Rejistanians here, but we do have....QUENTIN JOHN!

GT: Quentin John, the only one of our ten managers with previous at this level - he managed NEWI Cefn Druids, aged twenty-two. Now fifty-one, he'll be hoping to take his second national coaching post after guiding the Reds to Overleague glory.

DL: Five down, five to go... who's next?

MD: Well, if the Oranges are the Rejistanian favourites, these must be the Starblaydi ones! It's the Purple Team, and their manager will be...DAVE VAN STAVEREN!

GT: DVS - three initials that struck fear into the heart of defenders. Currently the national side's assistant manager, can the forty-four year old take over from his mentor and lead the Aces further?

DL: Now here's an interesting one...team seven is the Pink Team.

MD: And in the pink will be...RICK GALLIANO!

GT: Rick Galliano. He's fifty three, he's the Casuals New Osteria head honcho, and he takes fewer prisoners than Omsec! A real firebrand, could be an interesting choice.

DL: Not long now. It's the Browns....

MD: ...and it's EDDIE MOLIANO!

GT: At just thirty-seven, Eddie Moliano is the youngest of our ten contenders. Thrown in at the deep end at Davisham, he's acquitted himself well, and he'll have at his back of his mind the knowledge there'll be other chances even if he misses out this time.

DL: And then there were two. Who's got the Greys?

MD: And the next manager is...COLIN ULVÆUS!

GT: Colin Ulvæus. What more needs to be said about this man? He may be fifty-four now, and the trademark blonde perm has gone a little grey around the temples, but the New Westleigh manager and AOCAF co-coach will be one of the frontrunners for sure.

DL: And finally, managing the Black Team...

MD: Our last competitor...SNHP XTFUINXM!

GT: Far too many consonants, but the former Melmond international will have high hopes here. Aged fifty-one and currently managing Linford United, what can we expect from this enigmatic individual?

DL: Well, that's the draw done. Join us with more after this short break!

Milchama gets new head coach


Alexandria- After the embarassing performance of Milchama in the last qualification campaign in the World Cup Collonian coach Neil Kabants was fired. This obviously left a gaping hole in the Milchama squad as to who was to lead the squad. There were not many applicants for the open job as Milchama is not a soccer powerhouse and has never qualified for a World Cup. Also with their 96th ranking in the world Milchama doesn't even look great for this World Cup but most say we could sneak in if we have the right group. The question then became for the Warriors who would take over such a so-so squad.

Then something incredible happened, that something was U21 World Cup 18. In the U21WC Milchama won their group in glorious fashion beating Lovisa, and Beefy-Bumble-Holding while drawing with the then ranked #1 team in the world Hockey Canada. Eventhough they lost to Chicanada in the second round Milchama suprised everybody and made the coach Jonathan Fairbanks a national hero. Fairbanks has always wanted to be a national team coach and thought he had the right oppurtunity with Milchama. Although he was originally rejected for having not accomplished enough (yes Milchama does have standards) after the U21WC he was obviously the natural choice for coaching the squad.

The new coach of the Milchama National Soccer Team- Jonathan Fairbanks. [large claps in the backround]

"I'm so honored to be given this chance to turn our team into a world powerhouse. I think that Milchama can and will qualify for WC24 and if we don't qualify this time we will qualify for WC25 for sure. We have a talented young squad that can compete with anybody in the world. With the right help we can do many things people don't think we can do. Go Milchama!"

MFA President Har'el Footon said "Finally the search is over. We have a good coach I'm happy now let me sleep god damnet let me sleep. Thank you and we'll do well whatever. ZZZZZZZZZ."

The Daily Druid

WANTED: SPONSORS
Bill Posters reports

If you've ever ben to Druida, you'll know that it isn't the wealtiest of nations. What wealth they do have is also well spread out across the population.

So it'll come as no surprise to hear that the DFA and the KFA have taken it upon themselves to do what no-one has done for the best part of forty years - find corporate sponsorship for the World Cup.

Yes, not since the times of World Cups 14 and 15 have we seen such deals struck. Indeed, one of World Cup 15's sponsors, Krytenian company JMC, have already struck a deal to be one of a number of sponsors of the tournament. The only other to date is Druidan firm Chemindus.

Any potential sponsors should contact either the KFA or the DFA. The sponsorship money would be nice, but we're more interested in how your product will be marketed to the masses.

Something like this one from the archives...


***Krytenian star Cecil Poldov kicks long ball.

VO: JMC's new Spira design ball is rounder, more water resistant, and with a little something extra...

***The ball flies over a number of players, spinning in the air. As it does so, each defender looks at the ball, and their eyes develop cartoon spirals, and they stand stock still, goofy expressions frozen on their faces. The ball is picked up by Krytenian star Ari Smith, who keepie uppies it into the net.

Cut to JMC screen and slogan.

VO: The Spira from JMC. Mesmerise defences.

Cut back to pitch. dark now, hypnotised players still there. Sound Effect: Owl hoots.

The Spira from JMC. Mesmerise Defences.

Nanakaland Times
Nanakaland's New Hope?The Nanakaland Nanakabirds are trying something new this World Cup. They have failed to qualify in all of the World Cups they've ever tried in and didn't even tried in the last World Cup. However, this time they're trying something different. Something called 'karela.' Embarrassing defeat after defeat has lead to a lack of hope for Nanakan soccer fans, but they have recently discovered the strategy that may have lead to the repeated success of Rejistania's Orange-Blues.

Karela is a strategy of all-out defense. To get a further glimpse of Karela, we sent a reporter to Rejistania to get an exclusive interview with High Priest Haxada of the temple of Karela. The results were interesting.

NK Times: All over Nanakaland people have been talking about karela. What exactly is it?

Haxada: Karela is the implementation of hanta-inikresaism into the real life. It is not limited to soccer as people normally think but it is an ethic. It means that risk is an inherent evil and should be minimized as much as possible.

NK Times: And what are the glowing blue orbs?

Haxada: We call them va'karela'ny, they help people to behave in a more ethical way by temporarily removing the will to attack, which normally causes people to take unnescary risk.

NK Times: I understand the principal of karela but how do the Orange-Blues keep winning World Cups if they focus on defense?

Haxada: By strategical counter attacks. Focussing on defense does not mean they totally abandon the attack or never leave their half of the field.

NK Times: The style of 6-3-1 seems to be the most commonly used by karelan nations. What is significance of the formation 6-3-1 in relation to karela?

Haxada: It is not special in a spiritual way. it is just the ideal combination of defense and ability to attack. One can attack without having to abolish defense too much.

NK Times: Some people may be concerned with karela's spiritual tone and others hate it's all-out-defense mentality. What is your response to their criticism of karela?

Haxada: Karela is not hanta-inikresaism, of course there are many hanta-inikresaist karelans, but it is basically an ethical codex. That people call this all-out-defense dull just means they have not understood the beauty of the tactic, the counter-attacks out of nowhere, the fact that every event can be decisive.

NK Times: Some claim that karelans are brainwashed. Is this true?

Haxada: Oh, you have to admit that this claim is like these claims that South-Ossetia does not exist.

Haxada absent-minded touches one of the blue glowing orbs...

Haxada: It is absolutely ridiculuos what people say.

NK Times: How do some people turn the karelan philosophy into success on the soccer field?

Haxada: Well, you saw the matches and I saw them too. The task is to capitalize the one chance one has if one is attacker and otherwise basically to defend and do not allow the opponent to have chances.

NK Times: How does coach Siki Rej lead the Rejistanian Orange-Blues to victory using karela?

Haxada: I am no ASR memeber but a spiritual leader... but one can see that he and Hexatux have a talent to entice the team to give their best. The Hexatux was programmed to minimize the risk of defeat.

NK Times: Could you describe Hexatux some more?

Haxada: The Hexatux is a math-logical device, which helps Siki Rej to decide. It has a huge database and is powered by caffeine. Siki Rej invented and created it himself, which is basically why he has this job.

NK Times: Okay. This interview is coming to a close. However, I have one last question for you. What is your opinion of the karelization of the Nanakaland national soccer team?

Haxada: It is always a good sight to see formerly attacking teams suddenly being reformed to a more sensible, a more promising tactic. But please remember that Karela is a style of life, not just a successfull soccer tactic.

Haxada offers the reporter a va'karela for his office.

NK Times takes it.

NK Times: Thank you for spending your time in this interview

Haxada: Thank you for spreading the spirit!

NK Times: Anything else you want to say before I go?

Haxada: Jisu jet'ta, Nanakaland'he'ny!
Never lose highly, Nanakalanders!The interview was interesting and informative, but will karela help the Nanakaland team do better this time? No one will know for sure until the World Cup. Keep reading the Nanakaland Times and stay informed in this road to the World Cup.[OOC: This was an actual interview done over IRC and edited and put in this article. Thus it is actualy an RP from both me and Rejistania.]

Archregimancy solves coaching crisis!
(from wire reports)

News from the Archregimancy and the Dreamed Realm is always hard to come by, but reports are beginning to filter in that the world's best team of footballing Orthodox Monks has solved its recent coaching crisis following the recent unprecedented advertising for an external appointment.

And it's a surprise......

The MFA [Monastic Football Association] is set to reappoint Metropolitan Kyrill of Solovetsky, the coaching bishop who recently resigned following a dispute over ecumenicism.

Though strong applications were received from citizens of both Turori and New Montreal States, the MFA have decided (reluctantly, and after sending telegrams to both nations to discuss the issue) to turn these applications down following a dispute within the squad over the canonicity of the Autocephalous Church of Turori and goalkeeper Fr. Justinian the Thrice-Blessed's intransigence over the heretical nature of Monoenergism.

Rumour has it that Metropolitan Kyrill has been coaxed back to the squad with a promise that the team will not engage in subtle disputes on points of theology with heretical opposition, but will merely insist that said opposition is wrong. The MFA have, however, successfully insisted that Metropolitan Kyrill cannot play a 3-3-3 formation in honour of the Holy Trinity as it would unnecessarily disadvantage the team to play with ten men.

Heikiu Mijanjii was in a cafe nervously waiting. She did not want to order a coffee already because she was waiting for someone. There he came, in jeans and a t-Shirt with the logo of an Open Source program on it. Again his clothes were clean and did not smell like they entered his cave. His hair was neatly kempt and he even used (cheap) perfume. Siki Rej looked much less than a nerd than he did before.

"Hejida Heikiu!" He said and smiled. He gave her a 8 inch disk, which he had in his handbag. "I have compiled some programs for you, you told me that you like jump and run..."

They drank a coffee together and chatted. Siki Rej offered her to visit his 'cave' during lunch pause. Unfortunately, the scene was photographed by a reporter of the 'Na~ovi National'. The image appeared on the frontpage and was captioned "Rej'he in Love?"

[OOC: I'm in a very...strange...mood tonight. So I figure I'll use a RP to point out...not really an error, per se, just a bit of an oddity. And yes, I realize what it's actually supposed to mean. :p]

Mike Davidson was sleeping. Which is, of course, a perfectly normal thing to do, especially at three in the morning as it was here. Lately, though, he'd been having strange dreams. So strange, in fact, that they were unexplainable. Sometimes after waking up in the morning, he would wonder whether he should finally break down and see a psychiatrist, but he would firmly answer "no" on the grounds that he was certain they would laugh at him and cart him off to HIMDU*. But the dreams kept coming, and indeed, another one was starting off now.

He was in a rather small room, a bedroom by the looks of it. In one corner was the bed, and in the opposite corner was a desk with two computers on it. The computers looked absolutely ancient, like something from the very beginning of the 21st century. The desktop was turned off and indeed looked as though it hadn't been used in months, but the laptop (which nevertheless sat on the desk as well) was on. Behind the laptop, for some strange reason, was a medium-sized desk fan, which was running. Why it was located there where the computer blocked most of the air, Davidson surely didn't know.

Sitting in front of the computer in a wooden chair precariously perched on its back legs only was a young man. He looked as though he might be anywhere between sixteen and twenty years old. He was obviously the person using the laptop computer. He clicked around a bit with the mouse, causing the screen to change several times. Finally he clicked on a link reading "Pre-World Cup 24: KD/DK thread". Wait a minute, Davidson thought as he looked on in his dreaming state, it's almost time for World Cup 24 to start. But why would anyone be researching something about it on some seventy-five-year-old computer? His thoughts were interrupted when the computer user spoke.

"KD/DK thread?" he mused. "What is that supposed to mean, exactly? I think maybe we're just supposed to post the letters KD and/or DK, perhaps. I mean, what else would a KD/DK thread be for, anyway?" The speaker clicked on a link marked "reply", presenting him with an input box, into which he began typing:

KD
DK
KD
DK
KD
DK
KD
DK
KD
DK

He previewed his post. "Not really sure what use that is, but maybe I'll get some kind of extra bonus for figuring out the real purpose of this thread." He pressed the "submit" button.

Suddenly Davidson sat bolt upright in bed, sweating. "I swear that is the last time I have pizza right before bed..."

* the Hampton Institution for the Mentally Diseased and Unstable, located in (where else?) Hampton, Bedistan.

[OOC: I noticed the oddity myself once I'd written it.]

"Goddammit! Someone's onto us!"

Trefor "Elastic" Edwards strode into DFA head Trevor Belmore's office.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when we started this thread, we gave it a tenuous title, yes?"

"Of course. It's our cryptic clue to the magic code for the RP machine."

"Well, I think we've been rumbled!"

"What?"

Edwards clicked a few times on the mouse on Belmore's desk, before he showed him the following screen:

KD
DK
KD
DK
KD
DK
KD
DK
KD
DK


Belmore looked on, somewhat shocked. "But... how...?"

"Never mind how. Just make sure no-one cottons on to this. Otherwise, we're going to be in a whole lot of trouble."

"Hang on."

"What?"

"Why do you have tentacles instead of arms and legs?"

"Because we're in a dream sequence. These things happen."

"They do?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Nanakaland Times
New Tactics for NanakalandAs mentioned in yesterdy's artical, the Nanakaland Nanakabirds are trying karela for this World Cup to make an attempt to actually at least qualify. Yesterday we sent a reporter to interview High Priest Haxada and the results were interesting. This time, we decided to send our interviewer out for at least one more time to get another exlusive interview on a different but just as important (or perhaps even more important) person, Laksu Kynsu.

NK Times: Laksu Kynsu, I understand that you were a referee?

Laksu Kynsu: That is correctly.

NK Times: What made you change from a Rejistanian referee to a Nanakan coach?

Laksu Kynsu: I noticed that the karelan method was violated highly, by teams ought know better. I thought, it is more good to influence against this nonkarelan. That is why I became coach. And well, to me seemed, Nanakan FA was desperated. They were searching desperatedly for someone, saying them nanaken team will play better, less conceding.

NK Times: What do you have to say about the rumors that are circulating about you being more than just karelan and actually anti-goal scoring?

Laksu Kynsu: What is the difference?

NK Times: Well, basically karelan is the focus on defense and some people think you are too karelan, focusing only on defense. What do you have to say in response to the rumors?

Laksu Kynsu: It is relative. I know not a thing like too much defense. Especially not when team concede 0:5 and similar.

NK Times: What are the methods you used to karelize a lousy team like the Nanakabirds in a limited amount of times?

Laksu Kynsu: Well, I can say, I have method uncommon and unexpected. I can say, I use va'karela'ny intensively until team realizes how important defense is.

NK Times: I understand how defense is important. The team even will use a defensive formation this time around. Why do you use 6-3-1 as your formation of choice?

Laksu Kynsu: I think 10-0-0 would be more good, but team is not yet ready. 6-3-1 is good as transition to pure defense!

NK Times: How can a team win using 10-0-0?

Laksu Kynsu: To quote the holy book of hanta-inikresaism: "Attack means defeat." So by not attacking, we cannot lose.

NK Times: Yes, we cannot lose but most likely it would be a draw. How could a score be made with 10-0-0?

Laksu Kynsu: A score is alwayys made. Only sometimes it is 0-0.

NK Times: Interesting points you've made. What is your plan to have Nanakaland actually qualify?

Laksu Kynsu: Our first aim should be to improve the team. We are currently at a level where qualification is a wish. But since attack means defeat, we might be able to mer'xkora'ny once or twice.

NK Times: So you came to Nanakaland to help karelize them, you focus on defense, and to attack is to lose? We're using 6-3-1 because we're not ready for 10-0-0? Interesting responses. Anything other comments on the Nanakaland team or your interpretation of karela?

Laksu Kynsu: I can not say predict, but hope that they play many matches equally!

NK Times: Even though you are anti-goal scoring your son, Kansu Kynsu, once scored a deciding goal. What are your thoughts on that?

Laksu Kynsu: I did watch that match. He ignored clearly tactical orders. The opponents in the XVSR final could have capitalized the situation that the goal was nearly undefended. It could have been a deserved loss instead of a more-luck-than-common-sense win.

NK Times: So our interview is coming to a close. Anything else you wish to say before I go?

Laksu Kynsu: I hope that Nanakaland will get over this very negative attitude towards defense, which I experience quite often. I hope that the Nanakabirds will make the country feel different about karela.

NK Times: Thank you for taking some time from your busy schedule to do this interview.

Laksu Kynsu: Va veka!

NK Times: Va dary!This interview has given a glimpse of the new coach and a further glance at the strategy of the Nanakaland team. Keep reading the Nanakaland Times in the road to the World Cup and you will stay informed![OOC: This was also an actual interview done over IRC with Rejistania and edited and put in this article. Oh, and in case you're wondering this isn't the whole Nanakaland times, just articles from it that are important to this World Cup (or at least important to Nanakaland in this World Cup).]

Jean-Rene Filon (new head coach of the NMS World Cup Team) and Patrice Thibault (newly rejected castrated retired football star) in DK/KD: The Action Packed RP!

Jean-Rene: Nanakaland.

Patrice: Eh.

Jean-Rene: D'ya hear their coach?

Patrice: Neh.

Jean-Rene: Gonna take them to a 10-0-0.

Patrice: Eh.

Jean-Rene: Hopefully against us.

Patrice: Eh.

Jean-Rene: Feeling monosyllabic today?

Patrice: Yeah.

Jean-Rene: You hear about Bedistan?

Patrice: Did they take my prank call about changing their color scheme to pink and orange seriously?

Jean-Rene: ...no.

Patrice: Dang it.

Jean-Rene: They're afraid of us.

Patrice: Why?

Jean-Rene: They don't want their cities to burn because of our fans.

Patrice: They should come here sometime. Maybe they'd learn to accept it as part of the cycle of life.

Jean-Rene: Didn't that get you fired from teaching preschoolers? When they watched the Lion King and asked you about the cycle of life?

Patrice: Well, I'm not that well equipped to teach about the real one, so the life cycle of a New Montreal City is the next best thing. Ya build, ya get a soccer team, ya riot, ya start over in the ashes.

Jean-Rene: Hey.

Patrice: What?

Jean-Rene: On the T.V.


DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK


Patrice: What the sh*t is that about?

Jean-Rene: Must be the Ministry of Sucking Up doing it's thing again.

Tallionis Excited About Chances In World Cup Play

The Nation of Tallionis is excited about their chances in the World Cup 24. They recently lost a quarter final match to Lox Land Island in the Baptism of Fire, but are focusing on their next objective. They are looking forward to their first expirience in this tournament, and their extra time loss is not going to affect their confidence. The team refused to comment, but promised to be back later with a full statement.

Until then, I'm Rebecca Donaldson, for channel 8 news.

Archregimancy announces plans for qualifier coverage

Rumours that there would be no live coverage of the forthcoming World Cup qualifiers in the Archregimancy due to the lack of televisions in the nation - and the possibility that viewing monks might accidentally catch a fleeting glimpse of a corrupting female figure, her seducing golden tresses shining in the evening light, her evil tight garments clinging to her full, ripe, young and yielding flesh as she licked the gently melting ice cream from her rounded and bee-stung ruby red lips (surely a vision from the Archfiend himself!) - have proven to be unfounded.

The Holy Synod of the Archregimancy today announced that large video screens will be placed inside all stadia where Monastic League games are currently played, and that coverage will be censored so as to only show the field of play, minimising the possibility of viewers glimpsing this year's Miss Brazillico Bikini Beach winner shamelessly cavorting in the crowd.

When asked how the Archregimancy might cope if drawn against one of the World Cup teams who actually field women, the Holy Synod announced that the rules of the competition did not permit them to ban female players from entering the Archregimancy or to ban them from being shown live on-screen so long as they are properly accredited to their national squad. However, in order to avoid misunderstandings, any female players will be legally considered to be men for the duration of the match in question.

The Holy Synod also announced that popular Monastic League stadium announcer Fr. John the Golden-Throated has been hired to provide commentary during the coverage.

Shearer Heavens Team Stadium Announced

St Shearers Park Finished!!

Alan Shearer took great pride in telling the media about his new stadium
which the public of Shearer Heaven got to decide the name of.

All Shearer said was"
i know it is a good stadium ,evaluators call it very good it has a posh billion pounds worth bar, Magpies Bar and it seats fifty five thousand ,seven hundred and fifty fans

Also Kits and Team Nickname Were Revealed
Nickname-The Magpies
Home Kit-Black And White Stripes
Away Kit -Black And Red Stripes with blue sleeves
Keeper Home Kit-Dark Green With Black Stripes down the sleeves
Keeper Away Kit-Purple with orange stripes down sleeves

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/shearer_heaven.jpg

OOC: Rosters go in the Roster thread! You should know that by now!

OOC: Rosters go in the Roster thread! You should know that by now!

Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

------------------------Well It's clear, the old saying of course. No matter how hard you try, the Old Dog just won't Learn the new tricks. You know, no matter how many times they quit, a habitual cigarette smoker will always end up getting that urge to smoke a cigarette. The habitual bank knocker-over will always get that urge to knock over that bank, and the habitual self-centered being that cares not about the rules that bind all beings and willingly breaks them at impulse will always be that same annoying being. That's right, the kind that thinks two out of character posts are better than one. The kind that thinks the only way to fight fire is with fire. The kind that thinks it's too damn hard to take five minutes out of their day to do this. The kind that reads a thread that says "Do Not Post In This Thread" and posts in it anyway, because they thought what they had to say was important.

------------------------No matter how many times they are frowned down upon however, no matter how many times they calm themselves down, they always be the same old dog. Just as it looks as if they may be on the up, they may be on the road to a more natural existence, you will experience indecencies like "Schimpol can take Capuano on." Vilitan officials were not at all thrilled that anyone had the audacity to waste their time with such an offer. Even worse, Vilitan psycholigists flurried to determine what disease a being could have that could lead them to believe that such a statement would actually ever have a chance of producing any fruit. I guess that's what happens when you leave the fruit out too long. Then again, each and every being is an old dog inthemselves, as the Vilitans, on the otherside of the spectrum, are habitual fighters of out of character prat-toes. And it is clear from the post quoted above that no fruit has come from their habits, either.

Owens to apply for Stars job

The search for the successor to Sarzonia national team coach Dave Wilson began with Barry Owens, the Stars' former top assistant and the last Legalese national team coach before the country ceased to compete on the world stage applying for the position.

"Being in limbo for the last cup without being able to field a side has been one of the worst experiences I can think of," Owens said. "If I'm named to coach Sarzonia, I bring some World Cup finals experience thanks to Legalese serving as a tri-host in World Cup XXII."

Owens also has experience facing his old Stars team whilst coaching the Black and Red. It wasn't a pleasant experience, as the Stars convincingly beat a Legalese team that became its fiercest rivals en route to Sarzonia's first-ever World Cup title. Now Owens is hoping he'll get a chance to lead Sarzonia to further glory.

"[Coach Dave Wilson] has done a remarkable job, not just when I was there," Owens said, referring to his time as Wilson's right hand man. "His teams really seemed to turn it up a notch the last three World Cups, not just World Cup XXII."

The Stars had a record of 8-2-2 in qualifying in World Cup XXI, winning both legs of a playoff against Wella to advance to the Finals that year and advancing to the knockouts for the first time in history, where they fell to Total 'n Utter Insanity in the Round of 16. In each of the next two World Cup campaigns, the Stars lost only one match, during qualifying against Spaam during World Cup XXII and in the semifinals against Rejistania during World Cup XXIII.

"Dave's won 43 games in the last three World Cups," Owens said. "He's had more draws (seven) than losses (six) in that span. It's going to be hard to live up to that."

It will be a long way off before a coach even tries. Wilson has committed to coach the team during World Cup XXIV, but Owens said he has already begun to prepare his presentation for Incorporated Football Federation Chairman Terry Mangione, even though the application deadline was announced as the end of World Cup qualifying.

"You need to be well-prepared as a coach," Owens said. "Besides, you can't spend all day looking for a wet trout to smack over the heads of Liverpool England or Vilitan media."

The Enlightener: 10th August 2154 - Jupiter holiday offer on page 16
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/FAB.jpg

World Cup 918 Is Almost Here!

As Bettia's heroic Aroras prepare to launch yet another assault on the prestigious World Cup, The Enlightener has uncovered some remarkable personal documents which give an inside view on what it was like to be a Bettian international footballer back in the good old days.

As Bettia marks some anniversary or other of that glorious World Cup triumph in some place or other, The Enlightener shall be serialising the diary of legendary striker Chris Hutton with the kind permission of his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Chris Hutton XVI.

Thrills!

Spills!

Highs!

Lows!

Action!

Drama!

Excitement!

Goals!

Crap refereeing!

0-0 draws!

Arora attacks!

Streakers!

...we're not guaranteeing any of those things but it's a damn interesting read nonetheless, as you may or may not agree after reading part one of...


The Secret Diary of Chris Hutton, aged 18 3/4

Thursday 10th August 2005

Dear diary...

Been picked for the Bettia squad again. Can't wait for the World Cup. Don't get me wrong, I love playing in Vilita and all that, but you can't beat coming home and playing for your nation in front of thousands of screaming fans, can you? Nope, nothing like it. Well, except my mum's apple crumble, that is.

I've heard the draw's being made on friday. I wonder who we're gonna get drawn against... I hope we don't get another nasty qualifying group like last time. I mean, we're great and all that, but getting drawn against the finalists from the last World Cup was a real bummer. And if it weren't for those darn Vtorbetin types, we might've snuck in and all. Ah well.

Got myself one of those MP3 players everyone's harping on about. It plays music great, but what the hell's that neck strap for? I can't wear that while I'm out jogging - having a lump of plastic swinging around like that is dangerous, not to mention bloody annoying. I could wear inside my t-shirt, but then it'd get all horrible and sweaty. Silli (Selina, my little sister) suggested sticking it in my mouth and strapping it up with sellotape - I told her to get lost. 7-year olds can be so annoying :mad:

Oh well, got a busy day of training ahead of me tomorrow, suppose I'd better get myself to bed... sod it, a quick go on Street Brawler 4 won't hurt me.

Lovisan team training very hard.
the lovisian coach want then our team must go to final in Krytenia and Druida, and in this finals must go minimum to quaterfinal. if we go to semi it will be great. Now we are very strong. We lead in qualfication group to European championship. And every match is better and better and better.

Wheres William? Part Three...

The walk had sobered William up. To some extent. At least he was capable of walking in a straight line now, and the gremlins had almost stopped leaping up and whacking him on the head with bags of Kingsford Coal. The cool Vilitan air cleansed his senses, making its way through the hairs in his ears and nose. It rustled his foppish ginger hair, caressed his many freckles and nestled nicely amongst the zits on his face.
"I feel beautiful" thought William, absently mindedly chewing at a fly that had unfortunately landed on his bucked teeth. "This air really does feel fresh". Convinced that he felt better, William made his way back to the hotel.

While he was waiting for the lift to come down to his floor, he noticed that the bar was still open. "I feel so great.." thought William as he made a left turn "..that i shall remain completely sober..". He put his hand in his pocket
"I shall have an early night.." he thought as his hand produced a five-ture note "..and get eight solid hours of sleep.." he added, as he put in on the bar "..and wake up tommorow morning feeling refreshed". The barman took his money and replaced it with a Jamesons on the rocks.
"Cheers fella" said William, and made his way to the nearest table.

The barman turned on the nearest television and discreetly pushed an ashtray in William's direction.
"Thankyou, but i don't smoke" said William, politely smiling at the barman.
"Just in case you want to start" quipped the barman. He spoke fluent Audioslavian. William was impressed. He grinned and took a sip of whiskey, enjoying the sensation that good whiskey gives. It was precisely this feeling of molten lava making its way down his throat to the tribal drumming of his tonsils begging for mercy against his gag reflex that made William realise that he was meant to be getting an early night.
"How... what... wha... what the fuck am i doing here with a drink?". He sat back, confused and slightly afraid. William's brain wanted to kick in, but it was stopped in its tracks by Mr. Jameson who had just turned up with his mob.

In the world of mobs, Don Corleone has the Mafia, O-Ren Ishii has the 'crazy eighty-eight', and Mr. Jameson has the 'forty percent proof' mob. You cross the mafia, you get a horses head in your bed. You cross O-Ren Ishii, you get your head collected by a horse. You cross Jamesons whiskey, you get a horse waking up in Don Corleone's bed saying 'where the FUCK did my trousers go'. There was no match for the full effect of Jameson's whiskey. William's brain knew this, and promptly surrendered all its power.

"You ordered a drink, you gave me money, i gave you drink" said the barman, quite bemused.
"I know but... i didn't mean to..."
"Sorry sir..."
"Its just, i was meant to be getting an early night, and next thing i knew i was sitting down"
"Oh..."
"And i've already been drunk... very drunk... today, and i thought if i drank more i may just get very very drunk now"
"Right.."
"Its just... you know"
"I see. Well if anything happens, i'll help you up to your room"
"Thanks mate". William shifted in his seat and tried to make out what was on telly. He asked the barman.
"Oh" said the barman. "Its just the national news. Been a slow week, nothing but the odd football friendly and Insanician bomb threats. I hate off-season."
"Fair enough" replied William.
"Keep watching though, apparently theres gonna be a press conference about the Vilitan national side. Here, i'll get some Audioslavian subtitles up for you"
"Oh, thankyou very much". The screen flickered somewhat and black boxes began springing up near the bottom of the screen. What was written inside the subtitle boxes was unfamiliar to William. He tried to reading it. It read like the sounds of an angry kitten attempting to cough up a tarantula.
"Sorry" said the barman, nipping back to the remote control "i set it to Rejistanian by accident". Another click later and familiar words were springing up on the screen. William turned to the barman.
"Thanks man, appreciated"
"No problem."
"Barman.."
"Yes sir? The names Ricky by the way"
"Ah. Ok. Ricky... Can you get me another?" William said, pointing to his whiskey. Ricky obliged with a wink and a smile and brought another Jamesons over to the table.

William sat back and watched the television. The subtitles were useful. Not only did he learn that the Ture was up three points against the Quid, and that it was cold and breezy in Makosile and Yeadding, but he also learned that Makosile United had sold Derry Colgan. William overheard Ricky sighing under his breath.
"Thats a shame" said Ricky, dusting off a glass. "That kid is a quality defender.
"You're a Makosile fan?" William asked
"Aye, born and bred. Most people round here support the local team"
"We're in Makosile?"
Ricky gave William an inquisitive look. William detected a hint of suspicion.
"Oh.. yeah" William stuttered "i'm not too sure where i am. Was drunk when i bought my ticket y'see"
"Ah...". William was beginning to think that he just may be appearing to be a complete weirdo. In previous situations, he'd discovered that trying to make amends to this simply didn't work, and so William didn't bother.

to be continued

ooc: Is this moving too slowly? *cough* lol

OOC: Not nearly as slowly as this one...

"How long's he been there for now?"

"Oooh, about five days."

"Are you sure he's alright?"

"Of course. He does this all the time."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Ed Wilson had been back to the same bar where he'd met Margaret Smith every day since their first encounter. And every time he returned, Smith would be sat in exactly the same position, sound asleep.

"Doesn't he suffer from a lack of nutrients? Or dehydation?"

"You'd think so," the barman carried on telling Ed, "But the amount he drinks somehow, in that way, keeps him alive."

"That's crazy!"

"It might well be. But it's how he works. Talk of the devil..."

At that moment, Smith moved his right hand slightly.

"He's waking up!"

"How do you know?"

"He does the same thing every time."

And within a matter of moments, Margaret Smith had come around again.

"See?"

"Can I go over and talk to him?"

"I wouldn't advise it. It takes him a while to get a bearing."

"What if I take him a pint over?"

"Then he's all yours!"

So Ed bought two pints, one for him, one for the former President, and proceeded to take them to his table.

Smith was not quick off the ball. "I've seen you before, haven't I?"

"You have. I was telling you about the busker the other day."

"The other day? I thought it was only a few minutes ago?"

"Well, nevermind, eh?"

"So what was it about the busker?"

"Well, he does what he does because he wants to get his message across, yes?"

"Oh. And why are you telling me this?"

"Well, if you had a message you wanted to get across, what would it be?"

"It'd be... it'd be... uh... buy a pet reindeer."

"Really?"

"No. I hate their damn antlers."

"SO what, then?"

"Drink!"

"Drink?"

"Yeah, drink!"

"Now, how do you get your point across?"

"Well, I ask my unnamed helper."

"But you don't have him any more."

"I don't?"

"No. He's the President, now. He took your job. Remember?"

"You mean, that was him?!?!? The bastard!!"

"How about if me and my friends take the place of your unnamed helper in getting your point across?"

"That'd be nice of you. Who are you again?"

"I'm Ed, Ed Wilson. My friends and I are members of the Alchy Army."

"The who?"

"We're the paramilitary division of the 'Keep Druida Drunk' campaign, set up by breweries from across northern Atlantian Oceania. Only KDD deny any links with us."

"OK. Can you start off by getting me another pint, then?"

"Of course!"

- - - - - - - - - -

The Daily Druid

SEARCH FOR SPONSORS CONTINUES
By Bill Posters

The search for corporate sponsors for World Cup 24 has so far proved highly unsuccessful, with still only companies from the host nations getting involved.

"Companies shouldn't worry about coming forward." was the message of Trevor Belmore. "Just because Druida is a largely sober nation now, I get the impression that companies in the alcohol business are too nervous to come forward. Similarly, just because Chemindus are on board, it doesn't mean that companies that use va'takils and va'karelas should feel intimidated."

"But I wouldn't blame them if they were."

"It's happened again!"

Elastic Edwards showed the screen to Trevor Belmore.


DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK



"Bah."

"So who's dream sequence is this, anyway?"

"Well, it started of as Mike Davidson's, but... Oooh, nice tu-tu, by the way."

"Thanks."

"Anyway, what I was coming round to was that this isn't a dream sequence any more. This is reality."

"So why am I wearing a tu-tu then?"

"I haven't the slightest idea."

Im New!

I Understand Where to put My Posts Now.
Just please give me a chance!
Anyway i cant be a old dog ive only been on 3 days!

Nothing compared to Vilitia and Liverpool EnglandsExperience and anyway from what ive heard their expierience goes on the Football Pitch.And Wins Matches

DEATH MONKEY TO HELP SPONSOR CUP

600 million ounce of marijuana deal awaits Druidan approval

ANGIERS - The finest Metal band in the States, Death Monkey, has taken up Druida's requests for sponsorship, offering 600 million ounces of marijuana (OOC: That's the local currency, not actual dope) for advertisements at all WC24 venues. The deal is valued at just over 1 billion USD.

"We're not asking for much," said manager Eric "Bananasplit" Neumars. "Just a nice spot on the walls along the pitch, and some good camera exposure."

The group hopes to promote their debut album, "Fling Poo, Kill You" on the international stage. The album is "an attempt to enter in minds of primates in an effort to further monkey-human relations," said bassist Leonard Alban. The hit single from that album, "Sex, Lies, and Bananas" is the most-played song on radio stations across the States by a healthy 11000 spins last week.

2005-08-11

Sharks excited about World Cup chances.

Loyalty Bay, PopularFreedom - Despite missing the baptism of fire tournament due to prior commitments, the team representing the nation of PopularFreedom is looking forward to their first attempt at the World Cup. Sports bars in their home city of Loyalty Bay in the northwest region of the nation were abuzz with both North Beach Sharks and Pleasantview Raven fans anticipating the upcoming draw tomorrow. The sharks are hoping that as many games as possible will fall after the current tournament they are in so that their starters can play however two of their up and coming superstars on their under 21 team will be making the trip for at least the first game. Forwards William Welsh and Johan Jodoski will be moved to attacking midfielders to help with numbers for the squad in the World Cup while the regulars are finishing up with other commitments. Despite the regulars not in attendance the sharks still assume they will put on a good show though their are rumours that star striker Shawn Peruvo might attend the World Cup for the beginning though no official word on that will be made until the team knows who they play in games prior to August 30th.

Yaforite Squad Gets New Coaches

That's right. After a complete failure in what looked like a promising Baptism of Fire (despite being drawn into one of the tougher groups), and blame being spread thinner than butter, the coaching gained an utter revamp. However, even the selectors were changed, though the squad was not. A new fitness regimen was adopted, one which will hopefully lead to sucess.

To begin with, the new fitness trainer is Anthony McAlpin. The Ajer FC trainer has often been praised for his aggressiveness and extreme disregard for how good the player is; only how much they try. In three years at his club, his players are not only noticably fitter and are playing much more agressively, but they are also complimenting him for his heavy hand in some places but a light reign in others.

The team is also currently looking for a creative assistant cmanager. While his international credentials are important (the main reason for this change is to have an experienced coach on the staff) it is his reccomendations by his countries' FA and his superiors which are important. Any application will be taken seriously. If none come, then the regular assistant will be taken.

-Taken from an Ajerite Sun article on the current status of their team

Im New!

I Understand Where to put My Posts Now.
Just please give me a chance!
Anyway i cant be a old dog ive only been on 3 days!

Nothing compared to Vilitia and Liverpool EnglandsExperience and anyway from what ive heard their expierience goes on the Football Pitch.And Wins Matches

NEWS FLASH!
Liverpool England Apparently Win Matches! (LEAWP!)

According to press from far-away nation Shearer Heaven (located a few hundred miles upwards, just accross from cloud nine), Liverpool England are an experienced team who wins matches! Granted they have experience, but we here at NEWS FLASH CORPS (tm) can't remember the last time any LE side were any good. Of course, we weren't alive during World Cup 8. No one was, it was a figment of the imagination. Like LE could win a world cup, let alone a match. Especially against the 'slaves.

This has been some dude, signing off.
-----------------------

William was confused.
"What on EARTH was that?!" he asked Ricky the barman.
"Oh, we get the odd pirate broadcast from a load of Audioslavian journalists. Quite funny really, even if it does intefere with whatever show we're watching at the time".
"What a queer country this Vilita is" thought William. How did Audioslavian pirates get to Vilita, and why would they set up a pirate television broadcasty thing? William decided he didn't care.

The television now showed a press conference. Various people started appearing in front of the large desk, each taking a seat behind a microphone. This is how it appeared to the normal, sober person, but William was now on his third whiskey and it appeared to him as a large eplieptic caterpillar with a variety of amusingly shaped cysts. A few blinks later, William focused on the telly, and started to see some familiar faces behind the mics.

The first one was shortish, quite dark complexion. Damnit where had he seen him before? Furthermore, why was the word 'wanker' popping up in his brain? He was reminded of a party he attended around last year, where was it? Dennisov? No... Druidia, thats it. Why Druidia? Ah yes, the little party for FA representatives, something to do with Druidia hosting the world cup. Krytenia, yeah, Druidia and Krytenia. But why... aha! That was it! Rory Issah! Rory Issah the representative from Vilita. William had given Rory the best nickname ever, or so William thought. 'Rory Issah Wanker'. Fantastic.

Now, the guy to his left, sitting in the middle... Vilkaous! A name that everybody knew but not everybody could spell. Even Herr Helmut himself was known to accidently drop the 'a'. He sat there, silent, unmoving, as if non-plussed by the whole event. Another recognisable name popped up on the subtitles. It was the name of his own country, Audioslavia.

"..and Audioslavia, on the road towards the World Mug 20 name, a day other not Vilitan shall not remember"

"What on earth?" William sat back in his seat, trying to decipher the garb he just read.
"Yeah, sorry about that". Ricky said from somewhere behind him. "The subtitles are done by some weird computer when its a live feed, and they never quite get the translation right. That sentence should have been "...and Audioslavia on the way to the World Cup 20 title, a day which no Vilitan will soon forget."
"Ah". William felt a small pang in his neck. He always tensed up when reminded of Audioslavia's loss to Vilita on the world cup 20 final. Now that he was in Vilita he should really prepare himself. Possibly with the name and address of a decent masseuse. Just as William began to drift into a nice nice place with thoughts of masseurs, he heard a scream from behind him. It sounded like Ricky. He turned round to see Ricky wailing at the television in Vilitan words that he couldn't understand. Well, he might have understood one, but the chances of the word '****' being the same in Vilitan as it was in Audioslavian was a slim one.
"Sorry" gasped Ricky, out of breath from his cathartic diatribe of gibberish. "But... but... but they just sacked him..."
"'bout time" William said. "I can't fucking stand Rory Issah, he's an obnoxious, humongulous mongoloid. An ugly **** too"
"What? No... not Rory. Vilkaous... he's been sacked." William choked on an icecube. "Jesus fucking christ, they sacked Vilkaous? What the fuck?!
"I know!" Ricky replied "He's been the manager since i was born, he won the world cup for christ sake how on earth has he been sacked?"
"Wow...". William couldn't think of anything else to say.
"By the way" Ricky added "Both our languages have exactly the same word for '****'".
"Excellent!" William cried. "A toast! Two our languages, to Helmut Vilkaous, and to the continued progression of the national sides of Audioslavia and Vilita!". As Ricky cheered, William downed his drink and set the empty glass on the table. "By the way Ricky, you know what you said earlier? About helping me up to my room if worse comes to worse?"
"Yes?" answered Ricky, with a hint of suspicion. William grinned like a shit-eater.
"G'nite bitch!" he called, as he collapsed backwards on his chair and fell to the ground with a thump.

to be continued

Fjodor Metronov and Syku Sajeti were in the national stadium of System Karela in Divensirsk. They had the job to upgrade the scoreboard so that it is able to show scores greater than 1 differently than by ">1". Fjodor was wearing a T-Shirt and short trousers, Syku, who was used a different climate was wearing jeans, a pullover and a hat. He was shivering despite that. "'Jodor, this is most windy place in the nation!"
"Be glad, Sajiku, otherwise, we would have melted already!"
"Don't you say, it is hot here!"
"It is. Are you somehow... strange?"
"If growing up in a climate, which is the opposite of Hockey Canada counts as strange, then yes. You know that exile-rejistanians call exile-Canadians yetis?"
"Yetis?"
"Yeah, you are big, pale white and feel best in the cold!"
"Weird! But by the way. It is correct that this is the most windy place in the nation, but the wind is normally always coming from the west."
"Why is that relevant?"
"The wind is the reason why the national stadium is here!"
"Su?"
"What means su?"
"eh?"
"I asked what 'su' means."
"And I said it means 'eh?'"
"Oh. Well the national stadium is here because the wind comes from the west and is normally very strong and constant in this area. The goals are in the north and the south..."
"So.. if the defense fails, the wind will not...?"
"Hopefully, yeah!"
"Then, why should the scoreboard be able to show numbers bigger than 1 at all?"
"Just in case!"

"Doug!"

"Wait a minute... I'm working on this puzzle... care to help?"

"Oooh, a jigsaw?"

"No, this.... found it in my email.... You don't suppose I'm not the only one with this?"

DK KD KD DK
KD DK DK KD
DK KD KD DK
KD DK DK KD
DK KD KD DK
KD DK DK KD

"I've heard reports of that, but that's a different pattern from the reports!"

"Hrm, I wonder what it means. Oh, yes, you were saying?"

"You've heard the Audioslavian pirate station reports? We didn't win World Cup 8!"

"What do you mean, we didn't win World Cup Eight!?"

"There, listen.."

we here at NEWS FLASH CORPS (tm) can't remember the last time any LE side were any good. Of course, we weren't alive during World Cup 8. No one was, it was a figment of the imagination. Like LE could win a world cup, let alone a match.

"You're kidding!"

"No..."

"Well, good for them. I can't give a damn. Help me with this puzzle, will you!?"

From What Ive Heard

I Didnt say i absolutely know theyre brilliant I said from what ive heard theyre good i know Vilitia has a good football reputation and i know Liverpool England Won WC8 (I Think!)

Ladies, gentlemen and everything in between, we give to you...

THE WORLD CUP 24 RP THREAD (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=437513)

Where we ask you to RP (if you want to), and nothing much besides.

Draylorn Food Inc has decided to sponser this World Cup with their renowned Takilan Brownies. Great snacks for anytimes, especially football fanatics!!! It is expected that over a million boxes of brownies will be sent to Druida and Krytenia for dispursing them between the nations or whatever they will be used for.