NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC: After the utter failure of this thread's predecessor, I'm trying again. I envision this thread as a sort of current events news network serving the entire NSWorld, keeping other nations up to date recent goings on in other countries. Anyone can post newsworthy happenings about their nation here, whether it’s declarations of war, assassination or kidnapping attempts on national leaders, election results, or even something as trivial as the latest mega-blockbuster movie premiering in your largest city. Try to keep posts to nothing more than a paragraph or two- this is headline news, not post-pages-and-pages-of-information news. There’s no “official” format for posts in this thread, but try to keep your posts looking as if it’s a real news report. Let’s see how this works, shall we?

IC:

International Headline News Network Launched

by Ton Porker

Ton Porker is a NS Press affiliated reported from Sumo City, Fatus Maximus

Today marks the birth of a new 24 hour news network, this one broadcasting news across the world, reporting events that happen not only in Fatus Maximus but in virtually every nation in which newsworthy things happen. Executives call it “a grand centralization of the reporting industry,” saying that it will keep citizens of all nations aware of events happening in nations they’ve never even heard of.

The network broadcasts from a massive system of new television transmission towers that span the globe, which have either been bought from existing networks or built from scratch. The funding required just to launch the network was enormous, and provided by an international consortium of countries dedicated to informing the public of what’s going on in the world around them. Each broadcast tower employed by the network transmits in the language most dominating the region in which it is located. The towers receive signals from an array of communication satellites placed in lower orbit earlier this year, which also beam directly to homes that have ordered the service.

International Headline News, or IHN, reports news stories taking place as they happen, relying on news gleamed both directly from reporters and from national news networks around the world. There are over 200,000 reporters registered with the new press corps providing IHN with its reports, the NS Press (NSP). Also, contracts between IHN and countries’ national networks allow just-in coverage from those stations to be reported on both networks simultaneously. And the network doesn't just cover TV. IHN radio and newspaper affiliates are popping up around the world, providing full scale coverage from everything to the latest sports statisitics to political intrigue. The IHN promises to truly revolutionize the way people around the world learn about each other.

Prime Minister Larjas Elected To Second Term

(NSP) FATOPIA- Incumbent candidate Bubba Larjas secured an overwhelming 70% of the vote last week in a landslide victory. Coming from Fatus Maximus' Economic Backers' Party, he attributed his win to "da fact dat I'm just an Average Joe." His instrumental role in bringing Fatus Maximus into the modern world after centuries of isolation has improved the quality of life for the average citizen immensely, and he was leading in the polls for the entire election cycle. He says he plans to use this term to continue ensuring political equality under the law and increasing trade agreements with foreign countries. He has not yet announced if he plans on running for a third term.

Finance Minister Didn't Have A Prayer
ZIP..... Minister of Finance, Hylee Demoral, is sentenced to a sixty year term in prison for 'silence breaking'. Many thought Minister Demoral would escape being found guilty but in a surprise vote he came up guilty and thus recieved his sentence from Judge Idoitto and was taken by officers to the Leasure Prison at Saint Sandy Lagoon. We were unable to talk to any of those serving on the jury that found him guilty after twelve days of festing; as they all seem to have vanished from this world. However we did learn that the appointment of a new Minister of Finance is expected to be announced as soon as His High Honor, Iboy Hornia returns from his inspeation of the National Cathouses at Feeminial. Until then Sir Deepockets will serve as Zeldons Minister of Finance, unless his pet bear has her cubs then he said he would decline the posting to care for her. More to come when I find a snitch who will talk for less silence...

Klakistany changes into democracy

Kartelbergen - After a lot of protests in front of the government house in capital Kartelbergen of Klakistany , President Amadeusz Klak decided to give the citizens votes to choose who will lead the country.
The next elections will be in 4 years so Klak will still be in charge a long time.




Klakistany population reaches 50 million

Kartelbergen - Today will be a historical day for Klakistany.
The 50 millionth citizen has arrived in Klakistany.
Already 50 million people,and that in a very short time,it looks like Klakistany's very low crime level is very attracting for people to come live here.
Also the location of Klakistany is very attracting.
It is located at the Caribbean Islands,and who doesn't sea,sun and nice weather.

Today's top story, crime reaches pervasive hights!

Despite the efforts of our police forces, the freeloading poor still continue to do crimes. The President's mansion has released this statement:

"We shall continue to fight crime, however, we must do so in a constitutional way... Therefore, no National ID card or survalance cameras shall be put up.... We shall fight crime through investigations and tips from you, the people."

Despite the strong words, many people don't stand convinced.

"President Fulda claims to be doing all he can do." Exclaimed a leftist protestor. "The problem is how anti poor he is, we need to instate welfare and raise taxes to fund it!"

In other news, our border with our neighboring nation of Riggsland has been offically sealed off for the time being. This came after large amounts of people who were expelled from Riggsland, ended up in Ashlavar. The Department of Security has issued this statement:

"We figure that these people were expelled by our neighbor for a reason, and we do not want them adding to our problems." Said the Secretary of Defence. "However, the Prime Minister of Riggsland is cooperating and we doubt this will lead to any hostilities between our two peoples."

Also making headline news today:

The skeletal remains of what is believed to be a communist activist who dissappeared a week ago have been found. While the evidence isn't conlusive, investigators are very confident they have found her.

For Immediate Release

(BPA) A NEW NATION IS FORMED!

The Blogger Press Association (BPA) is proud to announce the formation of the United States of Wisdom, Knowledge and Virtue (WKV) within the region known as the Federalist League. It is hoped that this constitutional republic can achieve the ultimate equilibrium of "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness" -- the nation's motto -- via a federalistic model of Federal-State-Local governing bodies.

"How are we different from many other nations of the world?" asked President of the US Maestro7, "Our citizens are proud of our nation -- indeed, our region -- because of the liberties we embody, pronounced in our Declaration of Independence and enshrined in our Constitution. Specifically, that all human beings are created equal, that there is an unalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and that all aspects of the State ultimately answer to the People."

Those nations or peoples interested in experimenting with federalism are invited to visit our nation or incorporate themselves as a fully sovereign nation within the League. See the Federalist League fact book for more details.

-END-

OOC:

:steeples fingers:

Exceelllent... but my monotony on news in this board is far from complete! A shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colenol Montoya!... I mean, to the nations who post their news here. :D

OOC:

:steeples fingers:

Exceelllent... but my monotony on news in this board is far from complete! A shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colenol Montoya!... I mean, to the nations who post their news here. :D

OCC: Would it not be prefered to trade ass for ass..

IC:
LOCAL YOCAL HUNG
NOTICE: ZIP: Ihyad Hurbut was arrested tried and convicted of pinching Penny Foorfun, daughter of General Foorfun. After an hour of snipe hunting they found a rope and good oak. Hurbut will be cooking for next two days. Aftet that family may claim his remains and later digest them. If Hurbut is not claimed they will be served in public schools within two weeks to deserving, needing, hungry ungratefull children.

COLENOL OR CLONE CAUGHT
FLASH: ZIP: Agents of the Zeldon Cirus caught what they thought to be Colenol Montoya in a raid on a Cathouse in Lower Feminority. DNA testing indicated this was not the wanted Montoya but a near perfect clone of him.. Chief Hava Noideas, Of the International Police Force said they will not give up their search for Montoya.

OOC: LMAO!

IC:

Fatus Maximus on the Brink of War

(NSP) FATOPIA- Prime Minister Larjas announced today in a press conference from the Executive Manor that the country has been engaged in a conflict with The Silver Sky, a rival nation located across the southwestern ocean from Fatus Maximus. An exploratory naval fleet from Fatus Maximus was searching for uninhabited islands to claim for their overweight land, and suceeded in discovering a perfect candidate roughly 90 miles from Fatus Maximus. Named Maltose by the explorers, it lies close to The Silver Sky's waters. They responded with an unprovoked assault on a ship, resulting in the deaths of one hundred brave crew members. Prime Minister Larjas stressed that diplomatic negotiations were ongoing, but that Fatus Maximus would not hesitate to engage the enemy should the talks breakdown.

Recent correspondance from around New Tiamat:

1 day ago The Dominion of TTEO From an N3 broadcast:

WAR!!
“In a surprise and violent move, the Dominion has invaded and occupied the nations of Ugandi and Sein & Zeit within the last 24 hours. This Blitzkrieg attack began with aerial bombardment, airborne assaults and commando attacks against key government targets and culminated with amphibious assaults along both nations’ western and southern coastlines. Details are extremely sketchy; N3's main studios in both countries appear to have been targeted by Dominion air strikes in the first salvo of the war. Wolfgang Spitzer, N3's correspondent in Ugandi, was coincidently aboard his yacht in Ugandi harbor when the amphibious assault began and phoned in a report; the voices in the background are his wife, Persephone and their children.”

**Cuts to a crackly, badly distorted phone line; explosions and gunfire can be heard in the background**

“This is Wolfgang Spitzer reporting. In the dead of night a naval flotilla has entered the Ugandi harbor, wreaking havoc and destruction. We can’t tell, but it looks like maybe the Dread Pirate Brockenstein has upped the ante and started serious ground raids in the grand pirate tradition. If so, this is certain to motivate the nations of New Tiamat to coordinated...wait, we’re starting to see smaller craft breaking away from some of the larger, those look like hovercraft, yes, yes definitely hovercraft, and they have the double headed vulture of the Dominion on the sides! The Very Evil Overlord is invading Ugandi! By the light of the burning city I can see troops starting to unload at the docks...”

A babble of voices, an adult female and children, interrupts:
“Daddy, they’re shooting at us!”
“Wolf, they’re starting to board the ships in the harbor!”
A load explosion can be heard, then screams of panic. Small arms fire.
“We surrender! Stop shooting! I’m a journalist with N3!”
More gunfire, a woman starts screaming and stops suddenly.
“Mommy!!”
“Stop shooting! I’m a jou...”
Automatic gunfire, all screaming stops, the phone is clicked off.

**Return to the news desk, where a troubled looking anchor stares stoically at the camera**

“A special report from Wolfgang Spitzer, Ugandi Harbor. Minister Dres’naus has convened the NeTTO Security Council and all Anastambrian Defense forces have gone on alert. More details on this rapidly developing story as they come in.”
18 hours ago The Free States of Abydo Abydoan military forces have been placed on high alert, in the wake of the unprovoked attack from the Dominion. Reserve troops have been warned that they may be activated to defend key positions within the country in the event of active duty military action outside the borders.

President Gorman issued a short statement before meeting with his Advisors, "As a free nation we find the actions of the Overlord and his allies reprehensible. The Danmarcian government is equally culpable in the massacres occuring in Ugandi as those pulling the trigger. I am going to meet first with my advisors, and then with our allies in NeTTO. First order of business is how we will respond to the Axis of Terror that seems to revolve around the Overlord and his Corporate Masters in Danmarc. In the interim of making an official decision, I am suspending all diplomatic relations with the Danmarcian government. Furthermore, all imports from the island nation are to be quarantined until such a time as they are determined to be safe for the people of our great nation. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a lot of work ahead of me."

That meeting is still going on... our correspondent's on the scene report that several ministers of Parliament have been invited into the session and that none have left. Since this is the biggest news to hit the nation since that blonde girl got lost in Aruba, we'll be cutting into your favourite shows to bring you up-to-the-minute reports. This is, John Johansen with Abydo Daily News reporting.
2 hours ago The Holy Empire of Anastamber From the N3 Danger from the Dominion! desk:

Minister Dres’naus made time for a short news conference between crisis meetings with the Ministries and hurried phone calls with other NeTTO members today. “I don’t have much time and I will NOT be taking questions afterwards. First off, I’d like to extend my condolences to the family, friends and coworkers of Wolfgang Spitzer, the dedicated news correspondent and his family, cruelly murdered by Dominion thugs in an act of piracy worthy of the Dread Pirate Brockenstein. The government of Anastamber has dispatched a formal protest of the treatment of our citizens and is ruminating on further responses to this outrage. In addition all Anastambrian military forces are hereby being activated to wartime status. For those of our citizens in our reserve components or on inactive status, please report to your units at midnight tonight. Finally, we will be increasing the size of the Condottieri Corp for non-citizens who wish to help protect our country. We will be providing more information over the coming days and I will be presenting a prime-time speech to our nation within the next few days to explain the reasons for these actions an to outline the challenges before us. Good night.”

Ministry officials were unwilling to discuss the unpresidented actions announced today, defering all attempts at interviews until after Minister Dres’naus’ speech to the nation. Reports have reached us though of naval engagements between Anastambrian forces and Dominion ships traveling between the Home Islands and New Reagan. Rumors that the Condottieri Corp was being mustered to suppress an incipient rebellion in the disputed coastline of SE Anastamber were officially denied, but viewers have emailed us video showing Condottieri troops deploying from their bases in full battle array and heading toward the Strip. Noted military analyst John Doohickens stated in an interview with N3’s Facing the Nation that Anastamber holds the unenviable position of being between the Dominion and it’s New Reagan colony, making its assimilation a tempting target for The Very Evil Overlord. More news as it comes in.

**Switch to a commercial for Breathrite NBC masks, a division of Danco**
27 minutes ago The Utopia of Rolen ***Transmission from Rolen Government News Network***

*opens to Defense Minister Pewtun speaking before the Ministry of Defense already in progress*

"The movement must be defended. The Very Evil Overlord has brought his reign of terror to the region of New Tiamat. This will not be tolerated, nor will any aggression towards the Anastamberians. I have ordered four wings of the Rolen air guard to prepare for immediate relief of the Anastamberians. We cannot allow this siege of New Tiamat to continue."

At this time, Rolen has made no formal declaration of War against the Dominion, nor any plans to take offensive action. It appears the Rolen troops are gearing up for a defensive backing of New Tiamat hostile areas and hot spots, such as Anastamber.

***End of transmission, fades to a commercial for Smiley Sammy's biochemical suits, offering a free yo-yo with the purchase of a Smiley Sammy special. Smiley Sammy is a division of Danco corporation.***

TRAVEL TO WAR ZONE BANNED
FLASH: ZIP: Zeldon Defense Leader, Irada Behoma, issued orders for all travell into the Region now in conflict to be stopped until these hostile actions cease and it's safe to travel into the Region. Also he indicated that of the 207 known Zeldonian Citizens in the Region all but five have been accounted for and are out of the hostile arenas. Efforts are being made to locate the status of the remaining five.. Who are part of a Hoochie Coochie Dance Troop who were on tour in the Region when the conflict started. Agents from the Region have said they are safe and will be moved to a safe arena soon. Additional news will be given as more carrier pigions come in form the hostile Region.


TWINS CLONES BORN
FAMILY: ZIP: Clone RA2003 and Clone RA2139 just had twins. This marks the first known Clone pair to produce surviving twins. RS3012 a male came in at 0723 and 5'12" @ 22` -- RS3013 a female came in at 0811 and 5'15" @ 22`. Doctor Quax Sawbones, told us that both mother and twins are stable and doing rather well. All will be out of the hospital well before the 24 hour limit set for them to stay by the Clone HMO Services.. Father, RA2003, was back in the mines hours after the birth while mother, RA2139, will be back at work in 60 hours, say hospital officials.

I am Sir, Saber. I on behalf of MacroTechno am proud to annouce that as of Twenty minutes ago the first fleet of ships which will house approximately 500,000 of MacroTechno's residents, the remaining people will stay on the base on the moon. The leadship which will house the top officials including me has been named the Metamorphic. These ships are made for research and are able to take advantage of the zero-gravity to perform cutting-edge experiments. Those whom remain on the moon continually strive to make the moon more inhabitable.

GNNB's live report:
----------------------------------------------------------------
It would appear from the small troubbled region we all have known for its pirat harbours, intense crimelord conflicts and the constant dispute over whos boarders end where a major change of development has come just thees few days of the weakend.

A large elite of bankers has backed a very old royal familys lost hairs , just now claimed to be found.
Allso some ancients lore that some of us know from fairy tales of a mythical realm are said to have been presented , and it old name now on everybodys toungues.

Ladys and gentlemen it was declared yesterday , the land of old myth , the land of Nanoriath has as late as yesterday been declared a nation again in this region. And Tir Völsunga is been decalred its royal ruler together with the rest of his line. Sister, princess Tyrwynn Völsunga and her daughter Freja.

One would say with all the wealth of the bankhouses , this would even withouth the mythical mumbo jumbo have a good chance of holding up against the chaotic crimelords in the area , and would probably have most nabouring nations who bicker aboout the borders hesitate becore taking hostile actions against this declared state.

...now?..yes ofcourse... .It appear we just have a live feed coming from the royal residence..we will be taking you there directly.


"I am Freja Ninahir Völsunga, daughter of the long lost royal princess , my mother. As you have lurned they have returned to reclaim the nation with hope of bringing peace and dignity back to this land, that for so long has dwelt in disgrace.

It is far overdue we end the beast that feeds on chaos, it is time we fill our citizens hearts with courage, and not let the scavengers of crime taint us with fear and drain us of the lust for life.

The seven honest buisness houses of banking; Getagold, Dimlight, SEG, Inter-Financic, CK-Mithril, Phenoxyte and FXT have sworn their efforts to assist us in this most urgent task, and we are to them greatfull..

We have resources, but I want to take this oportunity to plee to the many grand states of the world for help.
Help in quickly assembling what we can not build fast enough ..help with assuring thoose that would have us fail that we have you on our side...

Please, good willing rulers of this planet..help us , help me.. bring
hope back to this scorned part of the world.

Thank you for lending me your attention"


..Im on..yes..oh ...That was as far as our experts can say an authentic message and it certainly came out as a very clear message.
This has been Jack Goranof reporting to you live from the what appears to be a new nation of Nanoriath for GNNB.
------------------------------------------------------------------

HELP TO NANORIATH
WORLD: ZIP: Today Butcher Hogbone, Baker Flatloaf, and Candlestick Maker Meltdown have announced they will be taking supplies into the war ravaged region of Nanoriath to help the poor recover from the devistion brought on by the recent events in the area. They have collect from International sources a large number of items that will be needed in the region and expect to have it there within two days, provided weather on the high seas doesn't delay them launching their Craft, Irontub. We will have a reporter traveling with them so will provide more on their progress as events happen.

HOPE FOR MISSING CITIZENS
FLASH: ZIP: An unnamed official of the Defense Department had told us that the final five Zeldon Citizens in the war region have made it to Pergatory and are now on there way back to Zeldon lands. This has not been confirmed officialy but for their families is some hope that they will be home soon... Dudly O'Bacon, a brother to one of the missing told reports, "I just want sis home to change this dang smelly kid of hern. We didn't want hern run off be no Tailshaker with them Hoochies and leave us'n with hern six yungns... so bring my poor sis home safe to sanity and peace..." More to come.......

Nationalist Riots In Kroblexskij



Headline news today.

Nationalist Protestors holding a rally in revolution square have turned violent and Interior Forces have been called into the situation.

we go over to Boris Medleenov

It all began at around about 8o'clock this morning when the square was filled with a crowd of around about 3000 people, there to oppose the current Premier - Mr Mikhalkov.
Mr Mikhalkovs Limo was attacked as he made his way to the hospital on a personal visit to a relative. The police were called as the crowd got more confrontational and then it all appeared to kick off.

http://img275.imageshack.us/img275/3623/riots7ma.jpg

bricks were thrown at Government Buildings and State Businesses.
It has all come up to this point where the Interior forces have been called in and started to fight off people with water cannons and armoured vehicles. Several of the suspected planners of the attacks were arrested by the KvM and are being interrogated as we speak. It just seems to be getting worse by the minute....

Oh im going to have to go now.... the er... run now, they're......

OOC: Excellent... this thread is coming along nicely... more news! Post more news! That means YOU!

:points at you, the reader of this post:

THREE MEN IN TUB DELIEVER GOODS WORLD: ZIP: Latest form the Irontub on way to war torn Nonoriath indicates that they have arrived and with the assistance of locals have delivered the good without incident and are on their way back to Zeldon. Ibrow Lownose, Director of Internation Relief Foundation out of Robemblind had this to say, "Well, we need more money and supplies mainly money as that what we, these people realy need is more money. Of course they can use tents, blankets, food, medicines, and such but money is more important. So please if you can't see your way to providing one of the much needed items just give a few silence as every little bit will help. Now if you'll excuse me I have to catch a plane, as headed on vacation to LePleasure Beauty Overhaul Pallace in Maruuba."

HOOCIES ARRIVE HOME FLASH: ZIP: Around noon today local time a small aircraft was chased by National Air Patrol Pilots as it tried to enter Zeldon airspace without notice. Officials say it was world famous stunt pilot, Crasa Bunitt, who had flown into hostile regions to rescue the five Zeldon Citizens caught in that area when hostilities broke out. Mr Bunitt stated that he was chased by UFOs all the way home but managed to make it on a wing and prayer with all five of the Hoocie folks. At this time the five are at NZIP waiting to be interviewed by Jeri Sprunka, on his noon show, as well as Mr Bunitt. Rumors have it Mr Bunitt will after this be committed to Hevensworth Mental Facility where he is expected to remain for some much needed rest and treatment.

CIRCUS WON'T FLY ENTERTAINMENT: ZIP: Ringmaster, Hippo Lardo, today announced that the 37 members of the Zeldon National Cirus scheduled for a two week tour of Kroblexkij will not be flying there due to current riots in several key cities they would be playing in. It's not known when the group will be headed to Kroblexkij, but for now they will be joining the main circus group at Elephantus Township to await news.

CLONES DOING WELL FAMILY: ZIP: Hospital officials announced that twin clones born two days ago are doing fine and have gone into reception at the Nation Clone Training Camp at Hardrock. Their parents have both returned to their own duties and all is well with them. It's expected that Male RS3012 will enter the National Military in about two weeks while his sister RS3013 will most likely be entered as a clerk with the justice department or transportation agency.

CROOK CAUGHT WITH COOKIE LEGAL: ZIP: An unnamed local official was caught in a raid on local pleasure houses with his hands on Cookie. This unnamed local official told police that he had come to the location to inspect the engineering of the baths in the place as part of his duties with the Department of Public Safety as he wanted to make sure his staff was doing their jobs so he was here to check on them. Cookie told police that he always comes in once a week to inspect her plumbing. It's not known now what the outcome will be of this but this unnamed local official is scheduled to appear before a judge soon..

CRAPPER CONTRACT AWARDED BUSINESS: ZIP: Zeldon Wooden Outhouse has announced it has won a contract to supply facilities to the Machro Techs new experimental stations on Lunar Moon. Moonie Strukko, CEO ZWO, said in annoucing this, "Well we just under bidded the pants of the Brickhouse Company so we got the deal. Also we make the best two seaters known to man, beast or alien. That's why we got this contract under their seats."

COMPANY PLANE DOWN LOCAL: ZIP: Zeldon Air Patrol say a small craft carrying staff from Brickhouse Company to Messadon for meeting with members of the Machro Tech Lunar Committee, crashed and all on board were killed. ZAP investigators have not found a cause for the crash but an investigation is underway. The pantless remains of the seven on board the craft have been recovered and will be delivered to Saint Morgue within the hour. We will have a reporter there to get additional news of how these may have died.

Republican CyberNews Network

August 1st, 2005

Hitlerreich In Flames!

By Alexei Zamrat

The Tenth Anniversary of the capitulation of the Hitlerreichian government should not have been something to celebrate in the capital of Hitlerreich; for most of the citizens of New Berlin, it marks the end of an oppressive, albeit stable regime, and the start of an unstable and terrifying new chapter in the history of Hitlerreich. However, for the Hitlerreichian Independence Party (HIP), and its militant wing, the Hitlerreichian Peoples Army (HPA), the anniversary was the start of a third chapter in the history of this war-scarred country.

Early this morning, a series of what experts now believe to be coordinated, explosions ripped apart the misty morning air. Each carbomb was situated by barracks containing military units of the Grand Republican Army, or the Hitlerreichian Army, or in the case of the largest weapon, the City Hall. The number of casulaties is so far unknown, but is believed to be in the thousands due to the amount of explosives used in the bombs.

At the same time, many units of the Hitlerreichian Armed Forces, particularly the Army, either rebelled against their Republican Advisors or simply failed to turn up for duty, leaving the military in a state of chaos. Though the military has shut down all interior communications, it is believed that many of these rebel units, aided by the HPA, are now actively engaging units of the Grand Republican army ibn street fighting in the Capital. Smoke looms over New Berlin, and a flood of refugees has begun to come from many sections of the city, telling of mass fighting and hundreds of casualties, many of them civilian. As the sounds of fighting grow nearer to the press building I am situated in, the future looks grim for Hitlerreich...

STUFFED WITH CHEESE AND NUTS --- LOCAL: ZIP: Zeldon Coroner, Skela Tonbones, today says that the seven pantless bodies on board the Brickhouse plane that crashed last Monday all died from eating lunar cheese and peanuts. He explained that mixing the elements of the cheese and peanuts creates an unnatural gas that can in large enough amounts cause death. Since it has been learned that all seven ate during the six hour flight from Brickmoor to Messadon; that in the time of travel death was the only solution to this event. Now they are trying to find out why these two substances were served on board the craft to all seven. As under air regulations the serving of more than one main dish on a flight is prohibited thus cheese and peanuts both should not have been served. DA, Hangem, of the Zeldon Justice Agency, who has been assigned to look into this incident has indicated that it will been recorded as, Pilot Error, and nothing more said about it. He was on his way to lunch with his brother-in-law Moonie Strukko.. and did not want to say more until the plane had been completey melted down and converted to tea platters.


SINGER WON'T SWING ---- ENTERTAINMENT: ZIP: Jazz Singer, Louda Mootha, has announced that her planned week tour to New Berlin will not take place. Recent changes in the area have given cause to prevent her from making the trip. She instead will spend the week at LePleasure Beauty Overhaul Pallace in Maruuba with her first cousin, Ibrow Lownose, who just recieved a large bonus from the Internation Relief Foundation out of Robemblind where she is Director of Finance. They plan to spend a full week getting a nose job, tummy tuck, and butt lift, then fly to Moonlove for some time in the nude.


POLICE CAPTAIN CANNED -- LECAL: ZIP Captain Lyde Oncatoomucho, has been relieved of all duties after being caught by Zeldon Clowns at the residence of Cookie LeMoor, noted hooker and witch. Officials are not saying exactly why Captain Oncatoomucho was in her pantyhoose on loverslane but have said that more will be coming once the investigation has been completed. Cookie has gone on the Jeri Sprunka show twice since the Captain and her was arrested and repeatedly told Sprunka that he was only there to help unclog her plumbing nothing more. Captain Oncatoomucho will be seen before Judge Dona Givahoot on Wednesday coming... Judge Givahoot was not available for answering questions; as his staff said he was in private conference with Miss LeMoor and her lawyer, Hotti Tolipps, about the case against Miss LeMoor.