NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC: This thread is set after Theodora's Ordeal (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=400019) but before A Country Party (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=414653). It is going to be predominantly a solo story thread, with other people participating through invite only.

Theodora woke up in a cold sweat, screaming. She bolted upright in her bed trying to work out where she was. She had slept in this bedroom hundreds of times, every time her family had gone to the Julian Palace during her childhood, and yet it felt alien and unfamiliar. She had momentarily forgotten that she had been rescued at all - in her nightmare she had still been a prisoner.

"Your Highness, are you OK?" the maid whose job it was to watch over Theodora while she slept asked.

There were always people to watch over the princesses of the court at all times, even while they slept. Ordinarily Theodora resented it, now she was grateful for it. Or at least she would be, if she recognised her. Theodora turned to the sound of her voice, and shrieked. She didn't see the maid standing there, but Calvin, the man who she had thought was in charge of her kidnappers before she met Sebben. She screamed hysterically and cowered into her covers and shut her eyes tight. When she opened them again, the maid was standing there, and she sighed in relief, still trembling from the shock.

"Another nightmare, Mrs Bentham?" the maid asked. Did she really call her that, or did Theodora just imagine it? There was no way for the maid to know, surely she imagined it!

"Wha... what did you say?" Theodora asked weakly.

"Did you have another nightmare, mademoiselle?" the maid repeated. This time Theodora heard what she really said.

"Yes." she nodded. "I was... I was back."

"You're safe here, mademoiselle." the maid reassured her. "You're in the Julian Palace, the safest place in all Pantocratoria."

"Yes... yes I realise that now." Theodora replied, smiling weakly at the maid. "How many times is it now... that I've woken up tonight like this?"

"Seven, mademoiselle. Would you like anything to settle you? Something to eat or drink, perhaps?" the maid asked.

"No thank you, I'm not hungry. Or thirsty." Theodora replied. "I'm just scared..."

"When I was a little girl and I had nightmares and couldn't sleep, I'd run to my mother and sleep in the bed with her for the night. The nightmares stopped." the maid said gently. It had been a long night, and she was feeling somewhat less formal than usual.

"I wish I could do that..." Theodora whispered, touching her hand to her mother's necklace, which she wore even while she slept.

"I'm sorry, Your Highness, I didn't mean..." the maid started, realising how stupid what she had just said was.

"No, no." Theodora waved off her apology. She was beginning to calm down again. "Maybe I could... maybe I could do something like that..."

Princess Zoë yawned and wiped her eyes as she was awoken by her attendant. She looked around her bedroom, whose lights had been turned on low, and to her surprise saw her sister Theodora standing there next to the maid.

"Your Highness," the maid said gently to Zoë. "Mademoiselle la Princesse bade me wake you."

Zoë glanced at the clock on the wall. Two o'clock in the morning. What could Theodora want at two o'clock? Still, she was so glad to have her sister back, that she just looked up at her and beamed.

"Good morning Theodora!" she said cheerfully.

"Morning, Zoë." Theodora replied, smiling weakly. She sat down on the bed next to Zoë, and it was obvious to Zoë that she'd been crying. "Sorry to wake you... I've had problems sleeping."

"You poor thing!" Zoë cooed, sitting up in her bed and stretching out her arm to touch Theodora's in sympathy. "What kind of problems?"

"Nightmares." Theodora said, shifting closer to Zoë. "I've... I'm... I'm really scared, I can't sleep for more than few minutes without waking up."

"You don't need to be scared anymore, you're safe here!" Zoë exclaimed, hugging her sister. Theodora was startled by the sudden hug, and almost leapt up from the bed she was so tense, but got control of herself and was soon relieved. She hugged Zoë back, and started to cry.

"Do... do you think I could sleep in here with you? It... it might help... I'm scared to close my eyes all by myself in my room..." Theodora said.

"If you think it will help, of course, Theodora!" Zoë replied. The idea actually sounded fun, like something normal little girls might have done. Granted, they were both a little too old for it, but still. "You're safe here, I'm so happy you're back. Of course you can sleep in here."

Zoë pulled back the covers and let Theodora get into the bed. The maid whose job it was to watch Zoë sleep thought it was a little odd, but then, Theodora had just been kidnapped, she was bound to say or do things which seemed odd. As the maid wondered quietly to herself what they had done to Theodora, the two sisters started talking again as they were tucked in.

"Zoë..." Theodora said quietly. Tears were welling up in her eyes again, and she took a hold of her sister's hand.

"Yes, Theodora?" Zoë asked, settling down onto her side, turned towards her big sister.

"You know that they have rules, lots of rules..." Theodora started to say, her tone serious and strained. "...things you can't do for no apparent reason, rules you don't understand, rules of behaviour, about where you can go, what you can do, rules which you think were just invented to stop you from having fun..."

Zoë nodded, assuming she was referring to the dozens and dozens of rules which the princesses lived by at court, which Theodora had in the past found so oppressive and which she had broken and bent whenever she thought she could get away with it.

"They're there for a reason..." Theodora replied, her eyes wide with urgency. "You understand me? Those rules exist for a reason, please, please don't ever break any like I did, I'm so stupid, I should never have broken them, please promise you never will, please promise me!"

"...uh..." Zoë started, taken back by the urgent tone of Theodora's pleading, by the desperate concern in her eyes, and by the uncharacteristic statement. "OK."

"No, not OK!" Theodora insisted, tears running down her cheeks and onto the sheets below. "Promise me you won't be stupid like me! Promise me you'll follow the rules like they tell you!"

"I... I promise." Zoë nodded.

"Good! Good!" Theodora looked relieved, smiling through her tears. She hugged Zoë tightly. "I don't want anything to happen to you, not like what happened to me. I love you Zoë."

"Welcome back, Theodora." Zoë smiled, on the verge of tears now herself, as if crying were infectious. She hugged Theodora back.

After a few minutes, the exhausted Theodora fell back asleep, the reassuring presence of her sister soothing her anxiety. She was home, safe! She closed her eyes.

Her eyes opened. She was back in bed with John, in their room in the complex she had been held prisoner in. She shrieked, and squirmed away from his sleeping form on the bed, but just as she was about to get out of bed, his eyes opened, and he grabbed her arm, stopping her from getting away.

"You woke me up." he growled.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Theodora replied, terrified. His grip on her arm was very, very tight, so tight that she thought it was sure to leave bruises.

"What was the scream about, Theo?" he asked her. "The scream you woke me up with."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scream..." Theodora blubbered. "I couldn't help it... I dreamt I was back home, and I opened my eyes and..."

"You are home." John replied. "This is your home now. You're my wife. What are you?"

"Yo... your... your wife...." Theodora sobbed miserably.

"We're married, until death do us part." he said, pulling her up close to him. She could smell his foul breath and feel his rough whiskers against her face as he kissed her, forcing his tongue into her mouth. "I think you need to be reminded..."

She screamed as he rolled her onto her back. Her eyes opened wide as she woke up.

"Theodora!" Zoë yelled. She was leaning over her. She had watched Theodora's body contort and heard her muffled pleas and cries as she lay next to her. It broke her heart to see her sister like that. "Theodora, it's OK, you're safe! It was just a nightmare."

Theodora heard Zoë's voice, but to her the face leaning over her was John's. She squirmed and struggled, trying to escape his clutches - but it wasn't him pinning her down, it was Zoë holding her reassuringly.

"No! Please! I'll be good!" Theodora promised, squirming in her sister's arms. "Please don't hurt me! Please don't hit me again!"

"Theodora, it's me!" Zoë despaired. "I'd never hurt you!"

Zoë hugged her sister tightly. Theodora felt her skin crawl, and continued her desperate begging, thinking that her loving sister was that brutal man who had abused her and forced her to call him her husband. She felt sick to her stomach. Finally though she started to recognise the palace room, and then that the person holding her was her sister, hugging her and trying to reassure her in a gentle voice. Theodora stopped begging and simply broken down into a sobbing bundle. It wasn't just the memory of what had happened to her, but the knowledge that her nightmare had ended a few minutes before and that she had mistaken her little sister for a barbaric rapist. She felt broken, damaged, like there was something wrong with her.

"I'm sorry Zoë..." she apologised. "I'm sorry."

"For what? You have nothing to be sorry for, Theodora! You're safe now!" Zoë told her, the tears on her cheeks making it obvious that she now knew something truly terrible had happened to her sister to give her such terrible nightmares that she was still afraid even after she had woken up.

"I thought... I thought I was back... I thought you were him!" Theodora whimpered.

"There there... you're safe, you're safe here." Zoë told her, hugging her sister even as she trembled and shivered at her touch.

"I... I should go back... to my own bed... I don't want to keep waking you up..." Theodora cried. It wasn't just that. She couldn't bear for Zoë to see her like this, she couldn't bear for Zoë to even touch her. She got up out of bed when her sister finally let her go, and started to the door.

"You're safe now. It's behind you now, Theodora. You're passed it, you're safe." Zoë told her as Theodora left the room to return to her own.

But Theodora knew she wasn't passed it, that it wasn't behind her. It was coming with her, following her, and she feared it always would.

"Theodora!" said the Emperor, rising to his feet, an unfamiliar smile on his usually severe face.

The Julian Palace was a private affair sufficiently far away from New Rome that even the Emperor wore fairly casual clothing here. Seeing her father dressed informally, standing in one of the intimate drawing rooms of the Julian Palace instead of the cavernous formal chambers of the Imperial Court of Christ Pantocrator, brought back fond memories from Theodora's childhood. In those days, the Emperor was so concerned about the court cabals so prevalent (or rather, perceived to be so prevalent) in New Rome that he frequently took his family to seek security in the Julian Palace in far off New Jerusalem. There the Imperial Family was more or less alone, almost like an ordinary family. Instead of the rigid daily routine, Theodora remembered spending days playing with her mother and her sisters about the palace grounds. Instead of meals taken in public she remembered family meals, and even the occasional food fight. Despite the fact that they only went to New Jerusalem when the Emperor perceived some peril in the capital, Theodora had loved her time there, where she had felt almost like a normal little girl instead of a princess.

"Good morning, Papa." Theodora smiled back, crossing the little room to her father's waiting arms.

She wore a simple, comfortable dress, mercifully spared the constrictive, uncomfortable style of gown worn in New Rome for the same reason as the Emperor was dressed casually. She looked exhausted, and was still on edge after her nightmarish evening. As he hugged his daughter, the Emperor could see the fading bruises on her face, neck and arms. He dreaded to think of how she had received them, and how badly bruised on those areas the dress covered. After they had embraced, they sat down together on a couch.

"You look exhausted, Theodora, are you sure you wouldn't like to go back to bed and sleep some more?" the Emperor asked her.

"No!" Theodora practically shrieked back urgently, taking the Emperor by surprise. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell... I mean, no thank you, I'd rather stay here with you. I'd rather stay awake."

"You poor thing, were you having problems sleeping?" the Emperor asked her, letting her lean on his shoulder and holding her gently.

"Yes." Theodora answered, her voice wavering. "Nightmares."

"Anything you'd like to talk about?" the Emperor asked her.

"No!" Theodora replied urgently. Tears began to flow freely again and she started sobbing into her father's chest. "Papa..."

"Oh, Theodora... you don't need to talk about anything you don't want to talk about!" replied the Emperor, holding her reassuringly.

"Papa... the nightmares don't stop when I wake up... I keep seeing things..." Theodora sobbed. "I... I keep seeing them... please... I don't want to be crazy... I want to be back the way I was before... I want to be normal again... I feel... broken."

"Sssh! Hush, petite." the Emperor replied, tears beginning to form in his own eyes. "You're not crazy, you've just been through an awful experience."

"I feel broken, Papa..." Theodora sobbed. "I don't know how... how I'm going to get over it..."

"I'll help you, Theodora. We all will. We all love you very much!" the Emperor told her. "I'll get you help, I promise."

Theodora sat on a couch across from the therapist her father had hired. Professor Manuel Filos was a spry old man, with a grand-fatherly face, and one of the brightest minds in Pantocratoria. He was the Empire's foremost therapeutic expert, with dozens upon dozens of papers in the world's best psychiatric and psychological journals to his name. He was also nominally retired, and only the very rich could afford the exorbitant fee it took to pull him away from his houseboat (currently moored in New Jerusalem) and the arms of his wife, who was herself a renowned author.

"Please, Your Highness, lie down, make yourself comfortable." he said. His voice was deep, but smooth, and his tone was soothing.

"Thank you, Professor." she replied, and slowly reclined back into the couch, trying to relax.

"Mademoiselle," the therapist started. "I've had many aristocratic clients over the years. I find it more easily facilitates the therapeutic process if we dispense with the cumbersome titles. You can call me Manuel. May I call you Theodora?"

Theodora tensed up. Her kidnappers had dispensed with her title, refused to call her by it. She normally found such things stuffy, and preferred the informality of being called Theodora by those close to her, and ordinarily she wouldn't have thought twice about the request. She bit her lower lip and shifted in the couch as if intensely uncomfortable.

"We don't have to dispense with them, mademoiselle." Filos offered, observing her discomfort.

"No..." Theodora replied. She had resolved that she wanted to be normal again after all, and normally she wouldn't have minded. "No, I want you to call me Theodora, Manuel."

"Thank you, Theodora." the therapist replied, smiling broadly, his friendly face crinkling up. "Would you like to talk about what happened to you?"

"I'm..." Theodora replied in a worried tone. "You won't... tell anyone any of this... not without my permission, will you?"

"Of course. What goes on between a doctor and a patient is privileged information, and is as surely protected as a confession you might make to a priest." he reassured her.

"Not even my father." Theodora insisted.

"Not even His Majesty." the therapist nodded. "I am recording our discussion, but I won't give anyone else a copy of the tape. Nothing will be revealed to anybody unless you want it to be revealed."

"Then... then I'll talk about it." Theodora nodded. "Where should I start?"

"Wherever you like." the therapist told her.

"OK... I was kidnapped, from the gardens in the palace in New Rome. It was my own stupid fault, I ran away from my minders, just looking for a chance to be alone... then out of nowhere... these men grabbed me, and I fell unconscious." she started. "I woke up somewhere very strange... all the guards looked the same. They made me make the video which they played on the news, calling for the troops to withdraw from Syskeyia... did you see it?"

"I've seen it." Filos nodded. "Go on."

"They said they'd... cut up my face and feed me to rats if I didn't co-operate, so I did everything they asked, hoping that they'd let me go home." Theodora continued. Then she started crying. "They didn't. Even after I did everything they wanted, they didn't let me go, they sold me to some... some group... apparently from Marlund... they were religious whack-pots, some crazy Protestant sect... the Commodore said that all they wanted was to make me the wife of one of his men, that they would never let me go home to my real family, that I'd live the rest of my life as an ordinary Protestant housewife..."

"Who is the Commodore?" Filos asked.

"The man who... he was the first person I saw when I woke up in the new place. He tortured me..." Theodora blubbered. "He refused to address me as a princess, called me Miss Capet, or Theo. I knew that if I went along with him like I did the first lot, it wouldn't help, the first group had sold me instead of letting me go, and he wanted to keep me there for the rest of my life, I knew I couldn't just go along with it."

"Why did he torture you?" he asked.

"I asked him to call me Highness. He told me to kiss his boot, and to call him sir. I refused... I was so stupid..." Theodora cried.

"Would you like to stop for a little break, Theodora?" the therapist asked, offering her a box of tissues.

She took a tissue, wiped her cheeks dry, but shook her head. "I've been crying for days, with or without reason, stopping isn't going to help."

"OK. How did he torture you?" the therapist asked.

"He crushed my tongue, constricted it really tightly. He tied me upside down, naked and whipped my chest..." Theodora paused for a few moments, sobbing. "He knew I needed to go to the bathroom... I couldn't... couldn't... and it... went in my wounds, and... into my mouth and... then he choked me, until I fell unconscious, I thought I was going to die! And I woke up in a freezing bath and... he kept drowning me and then pulling me up and waiting for me to call him sir... and I thought he would kill me, so I did... and then it got worse..."

Professor Filos listened in horror, a sympathetic look on his face as she recounted how a Turkish woman was shot trying to defend her, how they were going to feed her to non-human people, an elf and a boggan, and then she broke down and needed to take a break.

"OK, I'm ready again." Theodora said softly after a few minutes.

"OK." Filos nodded. "Take your time."

"This man, a soldier named John Bentham, took me away from the room with Fatima. He told me that he was taking me as his wife... and that... I would have to do, you know, everything that a wife does for her husband. I tried to fight him, but he was a lot bigger and a lot stronger and... he beat me up and I couldn't... I couldn't get away..." Theodora started, her voice getting progressively more strained as she fought back tears. "He raped me. And when he fell asleep and I tried to sneak away... the Commodore caught me and... called me Mrs Bentham. Then he locked me with the other girls..."

The story continued. Theodora was able to remember most of what had happened to her, and recounted it more or less in order. She managed to stop herself from crying until she started describing the day she had spent at hard labour.

"I stupidly thought that... that I could resist them. That I could hold on and fight them. But... that day changed everything. I had to work really hard with this other girl. She was black, these people were racists like I said, the white human girls were made into wives like me, the black girl was a slave, the non-humans were animals, kept in cages. I was... a slave for the day. They called me ******, beat me when I didn't keep up the pace..." Theodora recounted, tears flowing freely again. "This man, I don't know... one of the soldiers... made me bob for an apple from the toilet I was cleaning... I went along with it, I bobbed for the apple. Then he made me eat it. I didn't complain, I didn't want to be hit. And then, even though I did everything he asked... he raped me. It didn't matter whether I behaved or not. That's when I gave up resisting."

"Would you like to take another break?" Filos asked, offering her the tissues again.

"No, I'm fine." Theodora said, drying her tears. "Eventually the day finished, and they took me to see the sidhe who ran the thing. The people who rescued me told me his name was Sebben. He told me my father was dead, and that my brother wouldn't exchange me for a sidhe countess in his court. I was so confused that I didn't know what to believe. He gave me the option of being given back to my husband, John, or of staying as a slave. I couldn't live like that... I couldn't. He made me ask... made me beg... beg to be given back to John, made me call him my husband... and I did, I begged. But it wasn't enough, then he made me earn it... made me humiliate myself... made me call my mother a whore... and he made me perform..."

She struggled to say the word, but couldn't bring herself to do it. She sank back down into the couch, a look of self-loathing on her face.

"None of these actions are you, Theodora. These are just things, things they made you do. They don't make you somebody else." Filos told her.

"But they did!" Theodora insisted. "You should've seen me afterwards, when Sebben gave me back to John. I was so eager to please John, I would've done anything he asked, anything. I spent an eternity trying to cover up all the bruises on my skin with make-up so that I could look good for him! I didn't struggle when he wanted to sleep with me. I got up the next morning to make breakfast for him. I have no idea how to cook! I still tried. They broke me completely, turned me into exactly what they said they would... and all in just a few days."

"Tell me about your rescue." the therapist said.

"I came out of the kitchen, and Danaan troops were rushing through the halls. There was gun fire. One Danaan soldier was trying to talk to me, and he got shot, in the head, right in front of me. Sebben grabbed me, tried holding me hostage, but the commander of the Danaan troops, a Duke, named Brendan, challenged him to a duel under some code of honour. Sebben agreed to fight him, and injured him, but when he was going in for the kill, Duke Brendan tripped him and finished him off. And then it was over. They took me and the other girls out of there, onto their ship. And now I'm here." Theodora said.

"You survived." Filos told her. "You endured something nobody should have to endure, and emerged, not quite unscathed, but alive. And with time, Theodora, you'll live a normal life again. You're strong. You're a survivor."

"I'm not strong, I'm pathetic!" Theodora replied, her voice filled with contempt for herself. "If I had only held out another day, I could call myself strong, but I wasn't strong, I was weak, I begged... BEGGED to be given to a man who raped and beat me! I clucked like a chicken for the privilege! I insulted my mother's memory to prove how much I wanted it! I sucked his..."

"Theodora!" Filos interrupted her. "The very fact that you are able to tell me all this proves how strong you are. This only happened a few days ago, and you're able to talk about it with a complete stranger. You're not pathetic, Theodora. You're a very brave person."

"I'm not brave." Theodora shook her head. "I didn't do anything. I didn't have any choice about what happened to me. Duke Brendan, he was brave. People who put their lives in danger to help other people like that are brave, they're the heroes, I'm not brave, I'm some stupid girl who got herself kidnapped, beat up and raped. It's insulting to people who are really brave to put me in the same class as them!"

"Theodora, do you realise you're shouting at me?" Filos asked her in a quiet voice.

"Sorry..." Theodora said, moderating her voice. "It just makes me angry that you would call someone like me brave. I'm not."

"Why does it make you angry?" Filos asked.

"Because it insults people who are really brave, like Duke Brendan." Theodora repeated.

"Why do you think it insults them?" the therapist pressed.

"Because they're heroes, they're... they're better than someone like me. I'm pathetic, I let myself be a victim." Theodora sulked.

"Theodora, you didn't let yourself be anything. You didn't have any choice or control over what happened to you. None." he told her.

"That's not true, if I didn't run from my minders..." Theodora started.

"No, it is true." he insisted. "You endured something terrible, over which you had no control. Holding yourself to blame for what happened to you is a way for you to put yourself back in control of your situation."

"I..." Theodora started. She stopped and thought about it. "But why would I want to blame myself if I wasn't really to blame?"

"Because by taking responsibility, you reassert your own control over your own life. You cease to be a victim of the actions of others, and become a victim of the consequences of your own action." Filos explained. "You're not to blame for what happened to you. You had no control over it, and you have nothing to be ashamed of."

Theodora trembled in the limousine as she looked out the window at the vast courtyard of the Imperial Court of Christ Pantocrator. The huge statue of Constantine the Great didn't seem to care about how difficult she was finding it to come back here, to the place from which she was kidnapped. Sitting next to her across the leather seats, the Emperor watched his daughter's anxious form, and was moved to pity. He shifted across the seat and put his arm around her as the car slowly made its way up to the grand entry.

"We can't stay in New Jerusalem forever, Theodora." he told her softly.

"We can!" Theodora replied. "We could if you wanted to! You're the Emperor, after all!"

"Ssssh," the Emperor said, kissing her on top of her head. "We can't stay away from the capital forever. This is our home. I promise you, Sir Constantine has doubled, no, tripled security."

"It's just hard, Papa... I was making such good progress... I was feeling so much better back in New Jerusalem. I don't feel safe here, I know it doesn't make sense but it's how I feel." Theodora told him as the car came to rest at the bottom of a purple carpet. The guard of honour snapped to attention and the marching band started to play God Save the Emperor.

"You'll feel safe again in a few days. You can't stay locked away in New Jerusalem forever. Come on, let's go." he told her.

A page opened the car door, and another held a purple umbrella up over the door, so as to shield the pair from the sun. Some of the courtiers glanced inside and noted with some surprise that the Emperor had his arm around his daughter - physical displays of affection hardly being his style. Theodora took a deep breath in - as deep as she could with her corset at least. The return to New Rome court fashion was another reason why she didn't want to come back, but her bruises had long since healed in the weeks which she had spent in New Jerusalem, and so she couldn't get out of wearing the corset. She stepped out of the car onto the purple carpet, and was soon followed by the Emperor, who walked with his daughter arm-in-arm.

Theodora had been gradually improving. She was comfortable again in the Imperial Court of Christ Pantocrator, although she was on edge whenever she went outside the palace building itself and into the open air. Her therapy sessions with Professor Filos had been thus far very productive, if sometimes emotionally painful and difficult. It couldn't be as painful or as difficult as what she need to do now, though. It was time her father knew what had happened to her. Everything which had happened to her. She needed his love, understanding and support if she was to be able to heal. She stood as the Emperor entered her private suite, and sent away her minders.

"You wanted me, Theodora?" the Emperor asked her in a gentle voice as he made his way over to her. The pair hugged, and then sat down next to each other on the couch.

"Papa, I need to tell you... you need to know everything that happened to me." Theodora began. "Please don't think any less of me, promise me you'll still love me when I'm done!"

"Theodora! Of course I'll still love you, I'll always love you." the Emperor replied, shocked by the request. He hugged Theodora tightly. "You have nothing to be ashamed over, whatever they did to you, whatever they made you do."

"They raped me." Theodora began.

"Oh God, Theodora!" the Emperor gasped, his eyes moist with pity.

"Repeatedly." Theodora continued, closing her eyes in shame and disgust.

"My God, Theodora... have you had a pregnancy test?" the Emperor asked in quiet horror after a few long, silent moments.

"You can't get pregnant from most of the ways they raped me." Theodora muttered in disgust. "I had a test on the ship on my way home. I'm not pregnant, and I don't have any diseases from them."

"Theodora, that's awful..." the Emperor said, hugging her tightly again.

"There's more... a lot more, and I'll tell you it all. I need to face what happened to me." Theodora told him. "Professor Filos said that is the only way I'll ever be able to cope."

"I want to hear it all." the Emperor told her. "And I promise you, nothing you say will make me love you any less, or think any less of you. You're my daughter, and I love you."

"When... when I'm done, I want you to invite the other victims... and the man who rescued me... I want to see them all again. I need to see them all again." Theodora told him. Then she started her story from the beginning.

Theodora nervously straightened out her dress. She sat on a rococo couch in the suites of the Empress Theodora II in the Imperial Court of Christ Pantocrator. The suites had a floral theme, and the walls were decorated with gold and silver in-lays of chains of flowers of all sorts, but little else (asides from the occasional hanging), which made the intimate, non-threatening suites some of the most understated rooms in the palace complex. Her eyes glanced up at the antique clock up against the wall. It struck the hour, and a small mechanical peacock emerged from within to flash its delicately made mechanical feathers. It was time - just outside the suites, Duke Brendan, her rescuer, would now be meeting with the Emperor. Soon she'd see him again for the first time since he had plucked her out of that hell, and she hoped she was ready.

A few rooms down the hall, Brendan was admitted into the François Ier Room in the French Suite, which served as the Emperor's offices. The Emperor was wearing an ornately embroidered jacket as part of his usual courtly garb, which glimmered in the sun of the late morning as he stood by the window, watching the gardens.

"His Grace Duke Brendan of Algha." announced a page in a red jacket, embroidered with the letters A I in silver thread. He then stood aside to admit Brendan into the Emperor's presence.

Brendan strode up, bowing elegantly to the Emperor. He was dressed in his formal dress uniform, dashingly cut green with gold lining. His insignia marked him as a Lieutenant Colonel, not a high rank but higher than most men, even of his rank, tended to get at his young age. He had actually been promoted from Major for his princess-rescuing successes. He bowed elegantly as he approached the Emperor. The Emperor turned away from the window and acknowledged the Duke.

"Monsieur le Duc, welcome. It is a pleasure to meet the man who rescued my daughter. I am endlessly in your debt, monsieur." the Emperor told him.

"I only did what any Christian man would have done in the circumstances, Your Imperial Majesty." Brendan said politely, smiling that dashing, charming smile he had when not fighting terrorists.

"Monsieur, having only recently learned of the extent of my daughter's suffering at the hand of those monsters, I must ask you..." the Emperor said, his voice betraying his concern. "How much do you and your men know of what they did to her?"

"More than I'd like to know, sire." he answered, his expression sobering rather quickly. "It was inescapable. They went out of the way to make sure we knew." He looked off a moment. "Nothing beyond her own control can touch Her Highness's honour or her virtue. No man under my command would suffer hearing a word of slander against either."

"I am more concerned about her privacy than I am about her being slandered. I can't imagine anybody would slander her for what she's been through." the Emperor replied, his eyes distant. "But I don't believe anybody has a right to know what happened to my daughter unless she shares that information of her own free choice. There have already been rumours which have appeared in the newspapers..."

Brendan nodded to the Emperor's words. "Then I must say that your press sounds...not much better than the one in my country."

"Are there rumours there too?" the Emperor asked, suddenly alert.

"Oh, no! Not about Her Highness!" Brendan corrected emphatically. "But they do tend to be rumour-mongers rather than responsible journalists and to give no respect to the private lives of ranking nobles, government officials, or captains of industry."

"Monsieur, I will ask you frankly, and I appreciate that no relatively large group of people, no matter how dedicated and even heroic they may be, can be trusted not to leak things to the press or to people who will pass them on to the press, so I will ask you frankly: do you think your men will spread their stories? How much do you think they would say about what Theodora endured?" the Emperor asked, returning to his initial concern. "I don't want to see her subjected to vile treatment at the hands of the media after she has only just escaped, thanks to you, vile treatment at the hands of others."

"Some will. However, if I may be blunt, the Danaan press can be rather biased against some of our country's most valued friends, including your nation. I honestly think they wouldn't report it much simply because they wouldn't want the sympathy."

"That is the best I suppose one can hope for." the Emperor conceded. "Monsieur, in addition to wanting to thank you personally, I invited you here because my daughter wants to see you. She feels she has to see you. Monsieur, she's very delicate right now. She's gotten better over the past few weeks, she's feeling more confident, but she's still very emotionally delicate. You understand?"

"I understand."

"It has taken a lot for her to work up the courage to being able to see you. Please bear that in mind." the Emperor said. He walked over to the door and tapped on it. The page opened it. The Emperor glanced back to Brendan. "You'll be shown to Her Highness at once, if you are ready, Monsieur le Duc."

"I am." he answered, moving to follow the page.

"It was a pleasure to meet you, monsieur. I hope you will join us for dinner this evening. Aurevoir." the Emperor said by way of parting.

"Likewise, sire. Aurevoir." Brendan said. He smiled slightly as he was then shown into see Theodora. He bowed properly. "It is good to see you again, Your Highness."

Theodora rose to her feet, and felt her heart leap into her throat. She felt tears of gratitude beginning to well up in her eyes, and glanced over at the maid standing in the corner, wishing for the first time since her return that her minders could leave her alone for a few moments. She glanced back to Brendan and smiled, although he could see in her pretty face a mixture of agony, joy, and profound gratitude and admiration.

"Your Grace..." she managed to say, and curtsied gracefully. She motioned with her arm to the couch next to hers, inviting Brendan to sit by her.

Brendan followed her gaze instinctively to the maid. He couldn't fathom why she looked at the woman. He smiled slightly at the woman and then looked back to Theodora. He moved to the indicated couch, sitting slowly. "Thank you."

At that, Theodora burst out in tears, falling back into her couch. She tried to get her emotions under control between sobs, and looked up at him through tear-filled eyes.

"You saved my life! Thank you, thank you, thank you..." she said softly between tears.

Brendan opened his mouth to reply. Then he closed it again. "I did my duty."

"No, it was so much more than that..." Theodora told him, leaning forward and reaching out to him. "You have no idea how much more it was than that to me!"

He reached back, bowing over the hand and kissing the air directly above it. "I like to believe that every war my country fight ultimately helps people. Otherwise, I wouldn't be in the service. However, it is very rarely that I get to participate in an operation where I directly see anyone who I'm helping instead of hurting, much less a princess."

Theodora felt a little disappointed, the way he was talking about her rescue as part of his job. To her it was the most amazingly heroic thing she could imagine, certainly the most wonderful thing which had ever happened in her life. She slid out of the couch onto her knees in front of him, clasping a hold of his hand with both of hers, and kissing his hand. In the corner the maid frowned with some alarm.

Brendan frowned in concern. "It meant the world to me to be able to help you, Your Highness. I simply don't...I'm not used to being spoken to with such praise. I do think you overestimate me."

He helped her back to her feet, gently but insistenly. As he helped her up, she looked up at him, her round eyes filled with tears. She sat down on the same couch as him.

"I'm sorry for making such a scene..." Theodora apologised, sniffling and wiping away some tears with her hand. "It's just... I'm so grateful to you, monsieur. I was in Hell, and you rescued me."

"The men who...did what they did to you...are literally in Hell now, thank the Lord." Brendan said earnestly as she sat next to him. "If there's anything I can do for you, just ask."

"You've already done so much for me... I can't ask you for anything..." Theodora told him, finally managing to stop herself from crying.

"The whole system those men represented is falling even now in Marlund." Brendan said, knowing it was the wrong thing to say at the moment but also having no idea what the right thing was. "I'm scheduled to serve there after I leave Pantocratoria."

Theodora looked at him with needy eyes, although she nodded in response to what he said.

"How long are you here for?" she asked.

"Two weeks."

"Monsieur," Theodora began. "Do you think that while you're here, you and I could get to know one another?"

"With your father's consent, I would like that very much." he answered.

She smiled, so delighted that she almost glowed, the misery departing her expression altogether.

"Thank you!" she whispered.

"No. Thank you." he said, smiling somewhat playfully.

"I made sure provisions were made for all the others who were with you." he said softly.

"I'm going to see them too... when they're ready, they've been invited here." Theodora nodded, her mood turning sad again from the brief happiness of the playful exchange.

Brendan started to tell Theodora they were all OK, before he remembered that it wasn't true and she knew it wasn't true.

"Our countries have gotten a lot closer over the last short while." he said, changing the subject. "I'm told at least two Pantocratorian nobles of noticeable rank are Danaan by birth."

Theodora made some murmurings of agreement with the statement, but started to tear-up again. She looked at him again with her needy eyes, waiting to see what he'd say next.

"Our countries are rather different on the surface but I think there is more similarity than one would suspect." he continued.

"Oh?" Theodora murmured, her gaze drifting back down.

"Indeed. We both value religion, personal honour, I could go on. There are really only two great differences. Your court is somewhat stricter in many ways...." he paused a moment for effect "...and Pantocratoria has much more beautiful princesses."

At the compliment she lit up and looked back up him, smiling in delight and blushing.

"You're just saying that..." she said.

"Well, I don't know if it's true of all Pantocratorian Princesses, but certainly of the only one I've met." he clarified.

She bit her lower lip and grinned in delight, remaining thoroughly pink.

"Danaan Dukes are very handsome too, in my experience." she replied.

"You know Danaan Dukes besides me then?" he asked playfully.

She shook her head, smiling. It meant so much for her to have this man whom she regarded as the most heroic man in all the world call her beautiful. Her self-esteem had been laid waste by her ordeal, and the knowledge that others regarded her with more than the contempt she held for herself was reassuring in the extreme.

"You must have seen pictures of some handsome Danaan Dukes then?" he asked. "The ladies were very fond of the Duke of Tasat, I hear, before his engagement."

"Stop it!" Theodora playfully insisted. "You know who I'm talking about."

"Thank you." he finally conceded. "A nobleman has to worry about his appearance back home. Not quite so much as a noblewoman but...still..."

"You have nothing to worry about." Theodora told him with a smile.

He smiled softly at her. "Have you ever considered visiting the High Court in Tarana?"

"No, but I think I'd like to... one day." she said. "My cousin is the ambassador there."

"If you ever did, I would personally ensure your safety during your stay." he said, smiling warmly.

The smile disappeared from her face at the mention of the need to ensure her safety. If she had been kidnapped from the midst of the Imperial Court of Christ Pantocrator, she couldn't be safe anywhere. And yet, hadn't this man rescued her? When he said he'd keep her safe, she believed him completely. She smiled again, and looked into his eyes while squeezing his hand with hers.

"Thank you, monsieur. Nothing would make me feel safer than being under your protection." she told him.

Theodora moved through one of the flower gardens on the Imperial Court of Christ Pantocrator's grounds. A grand fountain in the centre of the formal garden depicted in stone nymphs and cherubs at play, and Theodora, having finished her little stroll, sat down on a bench by the fountain. On the edges of the garden, her minders, including her personal bodyguard and two enlisted Varangians, moved about, keeping an eye on her. The garden was otherwise abandoned - it was one of the more private gardens on the grounds, and that was why she had asked Brendan to meet her there. Brendan entered the garden with a pleasant smile. As he had settled in over the last week or so, he had taken to wearing clothes typical of those worn by Pantocratorian noblemen.

"Good day, Your Highness." he said, bowing.

"Your Grace," she said, curtseying. "How wonderful to see you!"

"I am at your service, fair lady." he said. "You wanted to see me?"

Theodora smiled and offered him her hand.

"I wanted to get to know you, monsieur." she told him.

He took her hand. "You look beautiful today."

She bit her lower lip and smiled coyly at him. She held his hand and guided him away from the fountain, towards the paths running between the flower beds.

"You're my hero, you know? I know you didn't like me making a big fuss the other day but, you do know that, don't you?" Theodora told him.

He walked along with her. "I..." He paused a moment, uncertain. "I know. You're worth protecting though, well worth it."

She shook her head as if dismissing the second part of what he had said. She felt so unworthy of him. Instead she guided him over to a garden of tulips, newly planted. Tulips grew so much better in Knootoss than in Pantocratoria, but the groundskeepers were determined to keep on trying regardless.

"Such pretty things..." Theodora mumbled, reaching to touch one of the flowers with her free hand.

"Very pretty..." he said, lightly brushing her cheek a moment before turning to the flowers and pretending to pay attention to them.

"It was so brave of you... to fight Sebben, to challenge him to a duel like that." Theodora told him, managing not to cry at the memory, having fortified herself against the tears beforehand. She couldn't look at him while she said it though, instead looking rather too intensely at the tulip.

"I would fight armies for you, Theodora." he said. He looked away quickly after that. "It was my duty, Your Highness. I am a Knight of the Cup, after all."

"You don't need to keep calling me Your Highness." she said, squeezing his hand a little.

"As you wish, Your Highness." he said jokingly.

"Don't!" Theodora insisted playfully. "Call me Theodora."

He laughed. "Alright, Theodora. So what did you think of court today?"

"Oh, a lot like it usually is." Theodora said, shrugging. "Would you really fight armies for me?"

"That's what knights do." he said reflectively. "We fight armies for women worth fighting armies for."

"Why am I worth fighting armies for?" Theodora asked, her voice betraying the strain of the effort it took not to cry. "What have I ever done that made me worth fighting armies for?"

"You're you."

"That's why I'm asking!" Theodora said. She looked down at the tulip again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to get all heavy again."

"I don't know how to put it into words, Theodora. It's the entirety of you."

Theodora thought about his answer quietly, and then looked up at him and smiled.

"So, tell me about yourself." she asked.

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything. Anything." Theodora told him.

"Well, I've seen action in Marlund and Zvarinograd. I led men against the Hogsweatians."

"Do you like war?" Theodora asked him. "I mean, do you like fighting in wars?"

"No-one who's been to war likes it, Theodora. But I believe in what I do."

"What about what you do for fun?" Theodora asked.

"I like to ride." he said, smiling a little. "I like to swim. I like to walk in the park with gorgeous Pantocratorian ladies."

She blushed bright red for a few moments, and then looked at him slyly.

"So you do this often then?" she asked.

"No. But I'd like to."

She smiled back and then did something she hadn't done in a long time - she giggled.

He squeezed her hand a little. "You have a lovely laugh."

"Stop it, I'm already blushing!" Theodora told him, her voice cheery and sweet.

"You have a lovely blush too."

"You're trying to see how much redder it will get!" Theodora exclaimed.

"I am." he admitted with a light smirk.

"So go on," Theodora said after allowing herself a slight pause. "Tell me more."

"I live in this lovely estate in the rolling hills of Holista. I have three brothers and two sisters."

"Is it very beautiful there?" Theodora asked. "I have this picture in my mind of what your country must be like..."

"I want to hear the picture before I tell you if it's right or not." he said.

"It must be magical, green hills, with little fairy tale castles, forests, blue skies..." Theodora speculated.

"In parts." he said. "There's a few forests in Holista, small ones. Most of the woodlands are in Farinor."

"Even better, small forests, nice forests." Theodora grinned. "Not big enough to be all dark and impenetrable and scary."

"I'd make sure you had no reason to be afraid in any forest."

"I wouldn't be afraid if I was in the forest with you." Theodora told him, and then looked away awkwardly.

He squeezed her hand. "I'm glad."

Theodora squeezed back, and strolled along beside him.

"It's not all beautiful castles and vistas though. We have all the mundane facts of life, just like any other country."

"Of course. Still, I bet it's beautiful." Theodora said.

"If you came, I could show you one of the most beautiful sights in the world."

"What's that?" Theodora asked.

"Well...we do have mirrors."

Theodora blushed and gently slapped his upper arm with her free hand.

"That was too cheesy to be sweet!" she told him, almost giggling.

He laughed a little. "Can it at least be cute then?"

"No!" she said, looking away and pointing her nose up in the air, mock haughtily rejecting the request.

"As Your Highness wishes."

"I told you to call me Theodora!" Theodora said, quickly giving up the haughty facade.

"I know! I know!" He laughed a little. "Now it's your turn."

"To do what?" she asked.

"Tell me about yourself."

"What would you like to know?" Theodora started shyly.

"Everything."

"Uhh...." Theodora said, the strain returning to her voice as she fought back the tears which seemed to want to flow at the slightest provocation. "I'm... I'm... I'm not very interesting, and the things which are interesting are all bad."

"I think you're very interesting." he said. "Come on."

"Please, it's hard for me..." Theodora pleaded, her breathing starting to accelerate.

"Alright." he said gently. "We don't have to."

"No, I..." Theodora started urgently, as if concerned that she'd upset him by refusing to answer. "No, I can do it. What should I start with?"

"What is it like being the daughter of His Imperial Majesty?"

"Oh..." Theodora began. "Depends. I love him very much. He's been so good to me ever since you rescued me..."

Brendan nodded a little. "That's good to hear."

"Before that though..." Theodora said, her lips trembling, the first tears fighting their way through to her eyes after overcoming a truly valiant defence. "...I used to misbehave just to get his attention... I was such a brat... he has so many things he has to do, he's the Emperor of an entire country, you know, sometimes he doesn't have the time to do everything he'd like to do... but I didn't understand, and I just... I was selfish, I wanted more attention."

"It's alright." Brendan said very gently, holding her hand tight.

She looked up at him and smiled, the tears stopping only just after they began. She wiped away the tears and laughed nervously.

"Stupid of me, I'm always crying." she said.

"You've been through a lot."

"You saved me from a lot." Theodora told him, her admiration and gratitude obvious.

The picturesque palace of Chantouillet was a favourite retreat of the Imperial Family. Theresa and Amy, two other survivors of the camp at Tunern, Marlund, had been invited to meet with Princess Theodora there, and to be presented to the Emperor and the court. Inside the palace, Theodora was nervously wringing her hands. The rococo hall was smaller than the great hall of the Imperial Court of Christ Pantocrator, but even more ornately decorated. The sheer intricacy of the omnipresent decoration was distracting to the point of making it difficult for one to relax and calm down. Theodora paced about nervously. Her father walked over to her and put an arm around her. She stopped and looked up at him appreciatively when a herald walked into the hall. He bowed politely to the Emperor.

"Mesdemoiselles Amelie Gorbodin et Thérèse Lawrence." he announced.

The two women walked into the Emperor's presence, dressed in the toned down versions of imperial court garb commoners wore when they had business at court. As Amy was a Boggan and built like one and Theresa was a woman of fairly substantial proportions, they felt their first corsets even more than most women. They curtsied deeply to the Emperor when they approached, blushing nervously. Neither woman had ever even seen an Emperor before, much less been presented to one.

"Mesdemoiselles," the Emperor started, nodding and taking each of their hands to kiss in turn. He then continued in perfect English for their benefit. "Welcome to Chantouillet. My daughter has told me something of your sufferings, and of how much assistance she found your support and kindness to be. You have my sincerest thanks and sympathies."

Both women blushed deeper. Amy looked up at the Emperor. "I only wish we could have been of more help, Your Majesty."

Theresa nodded. "We just...we just tried to comfort her."

Theodora stood quietly by, her eyes lowered as she reflected on their part in her experience whilst trying to restrain her emotional response. The Emperor nodded in response to their replies, and then reached an arm behind Theodora to guide her a little closer to the two women.

"You already know Her Highness. Mademoiselle, you will no doubt recognise these two ladies." the Emperor said, introducing Theodora.

"I'm glad to see you both again." Theodora murmured, meeting their gaze at last. Not wanting to break down in front of the courtiers in the hall, she turned to the Emperor. "Sire, could I speak with mesdemoiselles in private?"

"Certainly." the Emperor replied.

"Would you two ladies be so good as to join me?" Theodora asked.

They both curtseyed again. "Of course, Your Highness." Amy said.

"Of course, mademoiselle." answered Theresa.

"I trust you three ladies will join us for luncheon." the Emperor said.

Theodora led the pair out of the hall into an adjacent salon. A Varangian Guardsman stood against the wall like a statue, and they were otherwise alone.

Amy and Theresa looked around the room. Amy blushed a little as she spoke to Theodora. "I'm sorry if we seem weird. This is just all kind of...overwhelming..."

Theodora looked away as if embarrassed, before suddenly hugging Amy after a few seconds of awkward silence. She squeezed the Boggan tightly and let herself cry just a little.

"I'm so glad to see the two of you again outside of that horrible place." Theodora said.

Amy hugged her back tightly. "We're glad to see you too! Are you doing OK?"

"Yeah..." Theodora nodded. She let go of Amy, and offered Theresa a hug. "How are you both doing?"

Theresa hugged back, if not as snuggly as Amy. "Better. We both started work again a few days ago."

"Did... did your... did the man they called your husband..." Theodora started to Theresa.

"He's still on the loose." she said with a worried look away. "They say that he's high on the wanted list in Marlund though."

Theodora nodded nervously.

"Mine died." she said quietly. "Why did such a horrible thing happen to us?"

"Because of racism, for me." Amy said.

"But why you, why not some other Boggan?" Theodora asked her. "Why any of us?"

"I accidentally bumped into one of them at the wrong time." Theresa said. "He thought I was 'insolent'."

Amy shook her head. "I don't know. They say they did similar things to thousands of people they enslaved in southern Marlund."

"But... it just isn't a reason, it's not fair..." Theodora sighed, her chin wobbling.

Amy hugged Theodora tightly again. "There's no real reason. They were evil men. Most of them are dead now."

"But not all of them. Theresa's husband is still alive. Sebben will come back, he's a sidhe, they come back from the dead..." Theodora replied, hugging Amy back.

"He's not Theresa's husband." Amy said in a very careful, very gentle tone.

"Oh... oh, I know, I'm sorry." Theodora replied.

Theresa nodded. "It's OK. I know what it's like. They keep making you say it until...until part of you believes it." Tears started to roll down her cheeks.

"Yes..." Theodora said, beginning to cry again. "It isn't fair... why did they do that? Why did they have to make us believe it? Wasn't it enough just to rape us?"

"They were sick men, Your Highness." Amy said, as Theresa started sobbing along with Theodora.

"I know..." Theodora said. "And I know now that I'll never get an answer, I'll never be able to understand... but it's so hard to accept that..."

The other women moved to either side of Theodora, taking her hands and squeezing tightly. Theodora took their hands and got herself back under control. She smiled at each of them.

"But you know... I'm OK, really I am." Theodora said. "It's hard, you two know that just like me. But in the end, it happened and we can't change it... and we just need to move on."

"We do." Amy said. "We're still really glad you asked us here, though. We needed this too."

The Emperor reflected as he looked at the three guests, the second batch of Theodora's fellow survivors, on the indiscriminate nature of his daughter's captors. They had brutalised a Pantocratorian Princess alongside a Turk, an Elf, and an African. It was as if they had sought to torture and torment young women of every class, species, creed and colour. He had never shared a meal with such a disparate ensemble, and yet the four young women all had one thing in common, one terrible thing. The Emperor's anger burned deep, and he found it hard to digest his food. Theodora wasn't finding it any easier. She could barely look at Claire or Fatima, feeling somehow incredibly guilty about both their fates, particularly Fatima, confined as she was to her wheelchair after being shot in the spine trying to protect Theodora as she had cowered in fear back in Marlund. Her eyes passed mainly between Nilde, the Elf, and her father. Overhead on the lavishly decorated ceiling in the dining hall of the palace of Chantouillet, cherubs, angels, and long-dead emperors looked down on the dinner party with their same usual expressions of imperious admiration, carefree dalliance, and self-satisifed pleasure, seemingly unaffected by the horrific things the four young women had all endured, and the Emperor's burning rage.

Fatima and Claire ate somewhat awkwardly. They were nervous to be in the presence of the Emperor and rather unsure what to say. While Nilde was a commoner properly speaking, she had a certain noble way of carrying herself, as was common among the Quendi, and seemed far more at her ease at the table. It was just so unreal, especially for Claire. She had always taken it for granted that every day of her life would be like the one Theodora had shared with her, as it had since she turned thirteen, until she grew too old to be attractive, after which she would live out her old age nursing other women's children. But now...she was instead eating at the table of an Emperor who was treating her with less contempt than the commonest stablehand before, treating her like she imagined he must treat the noble ladies of his court. It didn't even seem real.

"Is the peacock to your liking, mesdemoiselles?" the Emperor asked, to fill the silence with pleasant, light-hearted conversation rather than allow it to be filled with the awful memories.

"It's really good, mas... Sire." Claire said, almost wincing at what almost came out by instinct.

Whatever Fatima and Nilde were going to say died on their lips. They both looked down. Theodora's lip trembled and she quickly (and somewhat indelicately) took another mouthful of peacock. It was all she could do to stop herself from crying again.

Nilde finally managed to say something again. "It's quite excellent. I understand peacock is a common dish in Pantocratoria?"

"Reasonably so. It is a popular one at least." the Emperor nodded. He glanced at Fatima. "Is it to your liking, mademoiselle?"

"Yes, Your Majesty." Fatima said with a slight smile. If Claire felt the most awkward, Fatima was the most nervous. Between the sympathy illicited by her handicap and the fact that she was visiting the Emperor, no one had been anything less than perfectly polite. Still, she was aware of the prejudices common in Pantocratoria.

"I don't wish to dwell on the topic, mademoiselle," the Emperor said. He had spoken about her injury before dinner earlier that day, after all, and didn't want to make her feel worse by continually bringing it up. "...however, I would like to know the extent of the injury you sustained when you saved my daughter from the Commodore. You can use your arms, I see, but... did the doctors say that in time you could regain the use of your legs?"

"Unfortunately not." Fatima said. "The damage is to the spine itself and nerve tissue can't grow back or be replaced."

Theodora couldn't have felt more responsible if she had pulled the trigger herself. She froze up and it was only with the upmost effort that she was able to force her hands to move to set down her fork so that she didn't drop it with a clatter. Her stomach turned.

"I'm so sorry..." she gasped quietly.

"It wasn't your fault, Your Highness." Fatima said calmly. "I would probably be dead if it wasn't for you, actually."

"That's not true, I didn't do anything... I didn't do anything to help you, any of you..." Theodora replied, as if there was anything she could have done.

Claire and Fatima just quietly reached out and squeezed Theodora's small white hands in their larger darker ones, trying to comfort her. Theodora's face contorted as if their touch was agonising. She held herself in contempt for being the one being comforted by the pair who had suffered most of all. She trembled and shook her head, more to keep herself from crying than anything else. The Emperor looked across the table in sympathy.

"I can't understand..." Theodora began, but it was too difficult to explain how guilty she felt.

"It's not your fault." Fatima said softly. "Nothing that happened was your fault."

"They shot you because of me." Theodora told Fatima.

"He shot me because I bit him." she replied.

"You bit him because of me!" Theodora told her.

"Your house has done a very great deal for my people." Claire said softly. "They showed me videos of what His Majesty, your father's, armies and government have done for my people. People getting jobs, voting, owning homes...even little things like having last names and getting called Herr or Frau..."

"I didn't do any of that." Theodora told Claire. "I was the girl who completely broke down and couldn't take even one day of what they put you through every single day of your life. I didn't help you. I didn't help your people. And when they threatened to keep treating me like you, I begged for anything but that. You should be angry at me. You should both be angry at me! Why aren't you angry at me?"

"Theodora..." the Emperor murmured and shook his head, but silenced himself.

"There was nothing you could have done." Nilde said as the other two just held Theodora's hands comfortingly.

"Stop it!" Theodora exclaimed. "Stop comforting me! I had it better than any of you! I was only there for a few days! Nobody shot me! Nobody treated me the way they treated Claire day in and day out for years on end! Nobody kept me as a caged animal and tried to feed me other prisoners as food! Stop!"

"Theodora, calm down." the Emperor said.

Claire paused a moment, thinking. "You're a free woman, Your Highness, in a position of great influence. There was nothing you could do then but there's things you could do now, if it would help you feel OK."

The Emperor wasn't comfortable where the conversation was going, but was hardly going to cut Claire off. He looked to Theodora and watched her answer.

"What sort of things?" Theodora asked.

"Well..." Claire paused. She had noticed the Emperor's expression. "...I'm not sure what sorts of things it is considered proper for an Imperial Princess to do. At the least, you could probably have some sort of charity dinner with the proceeds going to reconstruction. I'm sure lots of people would come if it was held by a woman of your dignity."

"I don't have any dignity..." Theodora mumbled. "But I'll do something..."

She calmed down and although she didn't feel very much like dinner, resumed eating. The Emperor breathed a little sigh of relief, and resumed eating as well.