NationStates Jolt Archive

Fwd: URGENT -- National Holiday June 20

16-06-2005, 06:06
> From: High Councilor Zagros Korguski <zkorguski@gov.sarkasis.rk>
> To: Sarkasian Ministry Of Foreign Affairs and International Relations (SMOFAAIR) <>
> Object: Fwd: URGENT -- National Holiday June 20
> Guys, you should write a clever memo announcing to the world
> that the Sarkasis Republic, even though it is a small and young
> and largely unknown country, which is not even part of the United
> Nations yet (not that I give a *boink*), does INDEED have a national
> holiday. ASAP. It is YOUR job at the SMOFAAIR to craft nice
> statements that the journalist might not disregard or spit on.
> You remember, the state's paycheck doesn't come free (for you, at least).
> Now, I know it has been a difficult year, the spirit is just not there,
> the eel harvesting industry just recovering, tourism not yet developed,
> 5 hurricanes in a row and the E.coli epidemic during the national
> "Tuna-burger Day Picnic", and so and so. No budget for holidays, 15%
> unemployment rate, states finances being stretched to the limit --
> you ALL know these numbers and the population know them too, thanks
> to this "Information Access Law" we passed last year so that these
> little retards would vote for us. (Please don't quote me on that one.)
> We all know the rant and quite frankly, it starts to get
> on my nerves. Be constructive! We need something "national", symbols,
> pride, stuff for lifting people's spirit. Remember this "flying eels"
> parade Purnell organized 5 years ago (right before the bastard got
> impeached) with all these flying kites with blue ribbons, lanterns parade,
> the music, the national brass band playing all night, and so?
> I don't want us at the National Unity Party to look like we're out of creative
> ideas (which we are), but sometimes it pays off to plunder other people's legacy.
> Think about the sweet time you'll pass doing nothing in your AC office,
> once you have finished this assignment.
> Now you ALL know how to use E-MAIL, don't you? I don't
> want any major screw up such as last year's "memo affair". You know,
> sending my INERNAL e-mail to the journalists "by mistake". NO MORE PUBLIC
> RELATIONS DISASTERS, ok guys? Our beloved country's public image is
> at stake. All public statements should come from you with my signature
> on them.
> May you sail on a calm sea.
> Salutations from your ever patient HC.
> Signed: High Councilor Zàgros Korguski
> PS: Please send me your ideas before thursday 4PM, as I have an appointment
> at councilor Aska's loft, it's at the end of the island -- New Venice sector
> 27.18 -- it's at the other friggin end of the colony and the seabus drivers
> are on strike again.
25-06-2005, 21:47
High Councilor Korgusky declares "This will be our most glorious year!", slides on a banana peel
June 20th, 2082
SNN/Sarkasis News Network, with some input from the SMOFAAIR.

NEW VENICE - Sarkasis didn't have time to sleep yesterday, as its people were too busy having fun in the streets. The sound of crackers and of people singing patriotic (and sometimes grievous) songs was heard till dawn. In the morning, municipal employees were cleaning up the streets and taking the remaining passed-out binge drinkers to the nearest hospitals. In the country's three urban areas (New Venice, Easthaven and Purnell Point), no casualities were reported this year, thanks to the Civil Patrol that was set up after last year's bonfire incident.


In a very emotive address to his fellow Sarkasian citizens, High Councilor Korgusky (note: alternate orthograph is Korguski) has praised the young nation's fight for independance, its struggle for international recognition, and made calls for a reform of international sea sovereignty laws. After this 2 hours long discourse, during which Fleet General Pavos was awarded a Golden Star medal for his bravery during the failed Mexican Empire's invasion of 2075, Korgusky managed not to fall asleep. (Note: Pavos held the sea fortress at Purnell Point for 36 hours with a group of 50 volunteers, foiling the Mexican plans for a quick neutralization of the small Sarkasian fleet and sinking 27 enemy ships.)

Later during the day, a very emotive Fleet General Pavos inaugurated the Lady of the Sea statue, near Purnell Point. This was the place where youg martyr Liz Frame had first spotted the invasion fleet; minutes after calling her father (Colonel Benthi) using her cellphone, she was killed by a shell.

The Lady of the Sea, all draped in white, stands beside a large black cannon. The duo of statues statue represents Freedom looking away, prepared to defend itself, and the unavoidable desperation of war. The Sarkasian population is free to picnic or frolic nude in the park around the statue. It was stated that no foul language or racist remark should ever be uttered near the Lady of the Sea.


By the end of the afternoon, 1.5 million Sarkasians converged to the huge Midpoint National Park, at the center of the island. There, the traditional Flying Eel parade and competition took place, as barbecues were set up everywhere by hungry citizen and/or greedy businessmen. Grilled BBQ eel, shark steak and fried cod were served to the crowd by smiling, flag-waving cooks. This year, the Sarkasian flag was seen everywhere. Its three stars representing the Island's three major cities, two deep-green bands representing natural life, and blue background representing the ocean, were floating proudly in the cloudless afternoon sky. This was, indeed a glorious day.

Later on, yet another funny Sarkasian tradition took place. It is referred to as the "Politics-In-Yer-Face Debate", but people like to simply call it "The Scorn". Citizens can get on the stage and start insulting the republic's former High Councilor, and he can fight back by insulting the insulters! Former HC James Purnell, which was called "a brilliant crook, a father of liberty with ugly teeth" by High Councilor Korgusky, took the heat with humor. At some point, it was obvious that Purnell, a foul-mouthed, arrogant, clever weasel, wasn't happy with the insults. He started haranging the crowd, without a micro: "You people make me sick. You have no imagination! I, for instance, could insult myself with much more panache!" He then started insulting himself, with some panache indeed, and was voted "Best Scorner". This will be Purnell's third trophee in 4 years.


Dignitaries from the neighboring countries of Kartofel, Finland II and Astrosliens were present at the celebrations. No Mephistopelian ambassador was sent this year, probably as a protest for this year's fishing zone row. As usual, visiting ambassadors they were both delighted and puzzled by the complex Sarkasian traditions. At some point, Princess Akaddia (from the Queendom of Kartofel) noticed that people were protesting outside the naval base. She laughed, half amused, "We have these darn peace protesters at home too -- but why doing this ramble during a national holiday?" Fleet General Pavos then explained that the people weren't protesting at the army, they were indeed asking for "more fireworks, for gawd's sake".

At 10PM, the Sarkasian crowd got what they asked for. An apocalyptic fireworks display, which set a few blocks on fire, incinerated a row boat, and prompted the evacuation of five streets. Nobody was injured, except 12 midgets and a cannon man from the Finlandian Happy Circus.

This National Holiday is expected to increase Sarkasis' national debt by 3%. It is therefore considered a huge success. One last word from HC Korgusky, who will be replaced in a few week (in the "rotating presidency" process): "I hope the buggers will remember THIS when it's time to vote in one year. I mean, we have really worked our asses out. Don't quote me on that."

(Note: The SMOFAAIR has contributed sound clips and marketing packages for the redaction of this report.)

====SNN End News 2072.06.21====