Dregruk
11-06-2005, 11:22
Heat 1:
SAF VS Rachel's Insanity
The first match of the 11th Lancre Cup began with some good sportsmanship from both teams, as they took to the field and shook hands. This quickly annoyed the bloodthirsty veterans of last months Lancre Cup, who were feeling somewhat disappointed that no one had been assaulted/kidnapped/blown up yet. This soon changed when the fans began throwing hand grenades onto the pitch. Despite the best efforts of the spectators, the match progressed without too great an interruption. For the Rachel's Insanity team, that is. Mysteriously, every time a grenade approached a team member of RI, an SAF player "accidentally" fell on top of it. An investigation is pending.
The carnage ended SAF 1 Rachel's Insanity 2
Utter Complete Idiots VS Umgullia
"We're very confident this year," Said the manager of the UCI team, "Every month we've been beaten in the Lancre Cup thanks to bad luck. But things will change this month!" A member of the audience yelled, "You're not going to play, then?" The manager started crying and ran away.
Despite the humiliating defeat of their manager at the press conference, the UCI team was on top-form (for once) and managed to score a whopping ONCE. The Umgullia team spent the entire match yelling, "Who superglued our boots together?!" and falling over. The investigation into Rachel's Insanity was cancelled and all attention was turned to investigating UCI's new "tactics".
The match ended UCI 1 Umgullia 0
Troon VS Hockey Canada
"We've got high-hopes this season," Said the captain of the Troon team, "Since Hippie Dudes has disappeared, we have no reason to suspect our team will be kidnapped."
However, the Troon bus was boarded by a single angry looking man with a flamethrower who then sent out his demands; "One o' dem shiny bottles! I wan' one o' them shiny bottles or I'll toast 'em all!"
Whilst tense negotiations raged on outside the stadium, Hockey Canada was in the middle of being humiliated. One of the wooden stands that was described as "Vaguely unsafe" by the tourist board had most definitely entered the "unsafe" zone; the fans escaped before it collapsed, forming an impenetrable wooden shield across the Troon goals. A riccocheting ball soared across the pitch and made an own-goal. The Hockey Canada team are yet to stop screaming.
The humiliation ended Troon 1 Hockey Canada 0
Sirocco VS Andrewmania
"So, alright, maybe we did overreact a bit when the LostLotheria team made fun of our mum's last year," Said a spokesman for the New and Improved Sirocco team, "So we decided to completely re-haul our team. And tactics. Magic boots are good and all, but it's about time we moved into the 20th century." Someone whispered that this was the 21st century, which elicited a "What?! Since when?!"
And a re-haul it most certainly was. Despite the fact that the team was composed of a rocking horse and some schoolgirls, the new tactics of fitting jetpacks to each of the players gave the team a definite edge. However, the rocking horse soared too high, was recognised as an enemy bomber and was blown to pieces by AAA fire. The schoolgirls are still crying. The Andrewmania team maintains that jetpacks "are just not fair!"
The match ended Sirocco 5 Andrewmania 3
Rutisia VS Bestiville
The match began without any sort of interruption from the crowd, which spooked out all the players greatly. Especially since last month's Dregruk team was sitting on the edge of the pitch grinning evilly.
At half time, as the match was about to re-start, the captain of the Dregruk team pulled out a microphone and announced some "prototype rule alterations". Upon saying this, 99 more footballs were rolled onto the pitch. The captain explained that all of them, bar one, contained nitroglycerin and would explode (spectacularly) when kicked. As the players soon found out.
The pitch is to be mopped clean before the next match.
The bloodbath ended Rutisia 2 Bestiville 3
Bongostan VS The Harlot of Babylon
All the players started the match complaining about the new potholes in the pitch. They were quickly silenced when asked if they wanted to try the "prototype rule alterations" too.
By the end of the match, neither team had scored any goals on account of them both being too scared of nitroglycerin balls. This annoyed the Dregruk team greatly. They began advancing on both teams with baseball bats and the captain was cradling a horrific weapon he later described as a "killamajig" (patent pending). The Bongostan captain panicked and kicked the ball, scoring the only goal of the match. The Dregruk team, who were at this point looking forward to some violence, set about "motivating" the Harlot of Babylon team to play better in the future.
The beatings ended with Bongostan 1 The Harlot of Babylon 0
SAF VS Rachel's Insanity
The first match of the 11th Lancre Cup began with some good sportsmanship from both teams, as they took to the field and shook hands. This quickly annoyed the bloodthirsty veterans of last months Lancre Cup, who were feeling somewhat disappointed that no one had been assaulted/kidnapped/blown up yet. This soon changed when the fans began throwing hand grenades onto the pitch. Despite the best efforts of the spectators, the match progressed without too great an interruption. For the Rachel's Insanity team, that is. Mysteriously, every time a grenade approached a team member of RI, an SAF player "accidentally" fell on top of it. An investigation is pending.
The carnage ended SAF 1 Rachel's Insanity 2
Utter Complete Idiots VS Umgullia
"We're very confident this year," Said the manager of the UCI team, "Every month we've been beaten in the Lancre Cup thanks to bad luck. But things will change this month!" A member of the audience yelled, "You're not going to play, then?" The manager started crying and ran away.
Despite the humiliating defeat of their manager at the press conference, the UCI team was on top-form (for once) and managed to score a whopping ONCE. The Umgullia team spent the entire match yelling, "Who superglued our boots together?!" and falling over. The investigation into Rachel's Insanity was cancelled and all attention was turned to investigating UCI's new "tactics".
The match ended UCI 1 Umgullia 0
Troon VS Hockey Canada
"We've got high-hopes this season," Said the captain of the Troon team, "Since Hippie Dudes has disappeared, we have no reason to suspect our team will be kidnapped."
However, the Troon bus was boarded by a single angry looking man with a flamethrower who then sent out his demands; "One o' dem shiny bottles! I wan' one o' them shiny bottles or I'll toast 'em all!"
Whilst tense negotiations raged on outside the stadium, Hockey Canada was in the middle of being humiliated. One of the wooden stands that was described as "Vaguely unsafe" by the tourist board had most definitely entered the "unsafe" zone; the fans escaped before it collapsed, forming an impenetrable wooden shield across the Troon goals. A riccocheting ball soared across the pitch and made an own-goal. The Hockey Canada team are yet to stop screaming.
The humiliation ended Troon 1 Hockey Canada 0
Sirocco VS Andrewmania
"So, alright, maybe we did overreact a bit when the LostLotheria team made fun of our mum's last year," Said a spokesman for the New and Improved Sirocco team, "So we decided to completely re-haul our team. And tactics. Magic boots are good and all, but it's about time we moved into the 20th century." Someone whispered that this was the 21st century, which elicited a "What?! Since when?!"
And a re-haul it most certainly was. Despite the fact that the team was composed of a rocking horse and some schoolgirls, the new tactics of fitting jetpacks to each of the players gave the team a definite edge. However, the rocking horse soared too high, was recognised as an enemy bomber and was blown to pieces by AAA fire. The schoolgirls are still crying. The Andrewmania team maintains that jetpacks "are just not fair!"
The match ended Sirocco 5 Andrewmania 3
Rutisia VS Bestiville
The match began without any sort of interruption from the crowd, which spooked out all the players greatly. Especially since last month's Dregruk team was sitting on the edge of the pitch grinning evilly.
At half time, as the match was about to re-start, the captain of the Dregruk team pulled out a microphone and announced some "prototype rule alterations". Upon saying this, 99 more footballs were rolled onto the pitch. The captain explained that all of them, bar one, contained nitroglycerin and would explode (spectacularly) when kicked. As the players soon found out.
The pitch is to be mopped clean before the next match.
The bloodbath ended Rutisia 2 Bestiville 3
Bongostan VS The Harlot of Babylon
All the players started the match complaining about the new potholes in the pitch. They were quickly silenced when asked if they wanted to try the "prototype rule alterations" too.
By the end of the match, neither team had scored any goals on account of them both being too scared of nitroglycerin balls. This annoyed the Dregruk team greatly. They began advancing on both teams with baseball bats and the captain was cradling a horrific weapon he later described as a "killamajig" (patent pending). The Bongostan captain panicked and kicked the ball, scoring the only goal of the match. The Dregruk team, who were at this point looking forward to some violence, set about "motivating" the Harlot of Babylon team to play better in the future.
The beatings ended with Bongostan 1 The Harlot of Babylon 0