NationStates Jolt Archive


Lancre Cup XI Results Thread (Lancre Nations ONLY)

Dregruk
11-06-2005, 11:22
Heat 1:

SAF VS Rachel's Insanity

The first match of the 11th Lancre Cup began with some good sportsmanship from both teams, as they took to the field and shook hands. This quickly annoyed the bloodthirsty veterans of last months Lancre Cup, who were feeling somewhat disappointed that no one had been assaulted/kidnapped/blown up yet. This soon changed when the fans began throwing hand grenades onto the pitch. Despite the best efforts of the spectators, the match progressed without too great an interruption. For the Rachel's Insanity team, that is. Mysteriously, every time a grenade approached a team member of RI, an SAF player "accidentally" fell on top of it. An investigation is pending.

The carnage ended SAF 1 Rachel's Insanity 2

Utter Complete Idiots VS Umgullia

"We're very confident this year," Said the manager of the UCI team, "Every month we've been beaten in the Lancre Cup thanks to bad luck. But things will change this month!" A member of the audience yelled, "You're not going to play, then?" The manager started crying and ran away.

Despite the humiliating defeat of their manager at the press conference, the UCI team was on top-form (for once) and managed to score a whopping ONCE. The Umgullia team spent the entire match yelling, "Who superglued our boots together?!" and falling over. The investigation into Rachel's Insanity was cancelled and all attention was turned to investigating UCI's new "tactics".

The match ended UCI 1 Umgullia 0

Troon VS Hockey Canada

"We've got high-hopes this season," Said the captain of the Troon team, "Since Hippie Dudes has disappeared, we have no reason to suspect our team will be kidnapped."

However, the Troon bus was boarded by a single angry looking man with a flamethrower who then sent out his demands; "One o' dem shiny bottles! I wan' one o' them shiny bottles or I'll toast 'em all!"

Whilst tense negotiations raged on outside the stadium, Hockey Canada was in the middle of being humiliated. One of the wooden stands that was described as "Vaguely unsafe" by the tourist board had most definitely entered the "unsafe" zone; the fans escaped before it collapsed, forming an impenetrable wooden shield across the Troon goals. A riccocheting ball soared across the pitch and made an own-goal. The Hockey Canada team are yet to stop screaming.

The humiliation ended Troon 1 Hockey Canada 0

Sirocco VS Andrewmania

"So, alright, maybe we did overreact a bit when the LostLotheria team made fun of our mum's last year," Said a spokesman for the New and Improved Sirocco team, "So we decided to completely re-haul our team. And tactics. Magic boots are good and all, but it's about time we moved into the 20th century." Someone whispered that this was the 21st century, which elicited a "What?! Since when?!"

And a re-haul it most certainly was. Despite the fact that the team was composed of a rocking horse and some schoolgirls, the new tactics of fitting jetpacks to each of the players gave the team a definite edge. However, the rocking horse soared too high, was recognised as an enemy bomber and was blown to pieces by AAA fire. The schoolgirls are still crying. The Andrewmania team maintains that jetpacks "are just not fair!"

The match ended Sirocco 5 Andrewmania 3

Rutisia VS Bestiville

The match began without any sort of interruption from the crowd, which spooked out all the players greatly. Especially since last month's Dregruk team was sitting on the edge of the pitch grinning evilly.

At half time, as the match was about to re-start, the captain of the Dregruk team pulled out a microphone and announced some "prototype rule alterations". Upon saying this, 99 more footballs were rolled onto the pitch. The captain explained that all of them, bar one, contained nitroglycerin and would explode (spectacularly) when kicked. As the players soon found out.

The pitch is to be mopped clean before the next match.

The bloodbath ended Rutisia 2 Bestiville 3

Bongostan VS The Harlot of Babylon

All the players started the match complaining about the new potholes in the pitch. They were quickly silenced when asked if they wanted to try the "prototype rule alterations" too.

By the end of the match, neither team had scored any goals on account of them both being too scared of nitroglycerin balls. This annoyed the Dregruk team greatly. They began advancing on both teams with baseball bats and the captain was cradling a horrific weapon he later described as a "killamajig" (patent pending). The Bongostan captain panicked and kicked the ball, scoring the only goal of the match. The Dregruk team, who were at this point looking forward to some violence, set about "motivating" the Harlot of Babylon team to play better in the future.

The beatings ended with Bongostan 1 The Harlot of Babylon 0
Dregruk
12-06-2005, 14:35
Heat 2:

Tonca VS LostLotheria

The match started with the LostLotheria team turning up an hour late. When cornered by an irate referee (who felt that he had to make at least some show of authority during the entire tournament), they shrugged and said as one, "Meh".

The Toncans seemed to be annoyed with having to stay in the stadium longer than was strictly necessary, and took out their frustrations on the unfortunate LostLotheria team. Rude names were called, kicks were made, children cried.

The gubbing ended Tonca 4 LostLotheria 3

Jothopolis VS Docere

"We're going to ask you very nicely," Stated the manager of the Jothopolis team at the start of the match, addressing the crowd, "To not do anything that interrupts the match. Please? No hand-grenades, Armoured Scorpions..." He glanced over at the grinning Siroccans, "...Flightless Hippos or anything even remotely along those lines."

Someone shouted, "Empty bottles?", which was responded to with a shake of the head.

"He can't do that!" Screamed one fan, "They're spoiling the game!" screamed another. "Let's get 'im!" They all yelled (or words to that effect. One Dregruk man kept saying, "Raaoom". No one's entirely sure what he meant by that.)

As the pitch was flooded with angry spectators, the Docere team snuck away and scored several times.

The mass-violence ended Jothopolis 2 Docere 3

Sliponia VS Extreme Dictators

The pitch had been brought back under control after a promise of half price liquor in the local bar. The stadium was also, interestingly, empty. It's suspected the two events may be linked.

Despite the lack of crowd, both teams gave the match everything they had. For 20 minutes, when the manager of the Extreme Dictators team came out the changing room yelling about the free booze. Both teams left immediately.

However, the ball was still on the pitch. A brief gust of wind started it rolling towards the Sliponia goals. Slowly. It was a mere metre from the goal line when another gust of wind, a much stronger one, sent it rolling very quickly towards the Sliponia goals. Into a crater. It rebounded off the crater edge, soared across the pitch and rolled into the Extreme Dictator's goals.

The brief match ended Sliponia 1 Extreme Dictator's 0, but no one really noticed.

Peng-Pau VS Yesono

"I'm tired and my head's killing me..." Complained the Yesono goal-keeper at the start of the match.

"Shut up, you whiny twit." Responded one of the players.

They probably should have listened; the keeper stopped halfway through the game to be violently sick on the edge of the pitch. The resourceful and wily Peng-Pau team took full advantage of this chance, whilst the majority of the Yesono team kicked lumps out of their keeper.

The vaguely-abusive match ended Peng-Pau 5 Yesono 3

Hoge VS Jamiezomania

"So apparently there's no rule against assaulting the other team's goal posts..." Whispered the captain of the Jamiezomania team to his teammates at the start of the match. They glanced at one another, grinned viciously and shared a conspiratorial nod.

As the match got into full swing, the team captain got close to the posts and gave it a good kick. He collapsed to the ground, clutching his ankle and screaming. "Are those posts made out of bloody granite?!" He yelled.

"Yes, it was a little more expensive than metal, but it's really funny when the goal-keeper dives into it." Explained High Punisher Hrrachen, from his executive seat.

"That was our striker, too!" Complained a Jamiezonian.

Despite their best efforts, the Jamiezonians were soundly beaten. And the captain now refuses to go anywhere near a quarry.

The phobia-inducing match ended Hoge 2 Jamiezomania 1.

Aamericaa VS DTAS Land

"We have been taking lessons from last year's Dregruk team," Said the manager of the DTAS Land team at a press conference. A stunned silence fell across the room.

"You mean... you're going to copy them?!" Asked a pale faced reporter.

"Oh absolutely. We haven't had much luck in the past, so it's time we took note of history."

The match began with the DTAS mid-fielder running at the Aamericaan goal-keeper with a pitchfork. On the sidelines, the captain of the Dregruk team yelled, "Hey! That's our trademarked act of random violence! Get them, giant-oversized-gnashing-thing MKII!"

A large, red beast with more eyes and teeth than every person in the stadium combined lumbered onto the pitch, slobbering on the mud and generally looking nasty.

"Mummy..." Whimpered a DTAS Land player, before meeting a very unpleasant end.

The traumatising event ended Aamericaa 1 DTAS Land 0
Dregruk
14-06-2005, 17:12
Heat 3:

Fatheaded Edward VS The Big Little People

"Your name is deceptive!" Whined a FE player before the match kicked off, "We were expecting to have to play against... midgets."

It probably wouldn't have helped the FE team if they were playing midgets, however. The team played so abysmally badly that it was suspected they were hinging their entire match strategy on playing people 3 feet tall.

The gubbing ended Fatheaded Edward 0 The Big Little People 3

Pazdom VS Andomen

"We're the regional delegate, you know..." Said the manager of the Andomen team, to a crowd gathered outside the stadium.

At that point, a number of gentlemen in black suits and sunglasses grabbed him and tossed him into the back of a van, where the rest of the Andomen team were.

"Sorry folks. Account irregularities." Said one gentleman, before jumping into the van and driving away.

With no team to play against, the Pazdom team kept scoring goals without hindrances. The crowd wandered off to the zoo to see the penguins, so the score is only from the first 3 minutes of play.

Pazdom 57 Andomen Under Arrest

Treynna VS Important Notice

The teams lined up and shook hands in a good sporting style. The Treynna team wished the IN team good luck, while the IO team told them about half price chicken at KFC.

It started off relatively amusing; the IO team's strategy seemed to rely on bombarding their opponent with special offers in the hope they would dash off the pitch before the offer ended. It didn't work, as such. The Treynna team stayed on the pitch, and played excellently.

The match ended Treynna 2 Important Notice 0 (and the crowd abruptly left to catch the 2 for 1 offer at Woolworths)

GNY Embassy VS Vtorbetin

"This isn't fair! Every other game got to play with a crowd!" Complained a Vtorbetin player, upon discovering the stadium's emptiness.

"Well, not Pazdom. The crowd got bored and left." Commented the referee, trying to justify his presence on the pitch.

"Does that mean we can have a proper football match?" Asked the Vtorbetin captain.

"Wait a sec... football?! I thought this was the Rugby Cup!" Said the GNY Embassy team as one, slapping their heads and sobbing.

"No, UCI was supposed to organise that. It never happened, though." Said the referee.

The match ended GNY Embassy 3 (They turned out to be alarmingly good at penalties) Vtorbetin 4

Blu-tac VS -Arynth-

The match began was a solid chorus of the Blu-tac's new national anthem. Or would have, had they not been bombarded with beer bottles in a desperate attempt to make up for the previous match's total lack of violence.

Which it certainly did. Half the Blu-tac team was knocked unconscious by the rain of glass bottles, along with several -Arynth- players.

The match went on, however. With an hour of injury time.

It (finally) finished Blu-tac 2 -Arynth- 3

Ghandi Followers VS Zamboni Island

"Hey, which could win in a knife fight; a penguin or an octopus?" Asked the captain of the Zamboni Island team at the start of the match, presumably as a joke. The captain of the Zamboni Island team laughed and said, "Octopus, hands down."

"No, the penguin."

"OCTOPUS!"

"PENGUIN!"

"EAT HOT DEATH!"

The fight was relatively indiscriminate. The ZI captain threw himself at the striker of the GF team. The goalie of the GF team kicked the winger of the ZI team in the head. The pitch was soon engulfed in a vicious bout of fisticuffs. The only person who wasn't fighting was the captain of the GF team, who was holding his head in his hands and mumbling, "What have I done." He then proceeded to score the goal, before the irate referee decided to jump on him.

Several ambulances were needed by the end of the match.

The riot ended Ghandi Followers 1 Zamboni Island 0
Utter complete idiots
14-06-2005, 23:25
"No, UCI was supposed to organise that. It never happened, though." Said the referee.


It may well happen one day, just very been vbery busy with political issues inside the country ^_^
Dregruk
15-06-2005, 07:20
Quarter Finals Match List:

Rachel's Insanity VS Utter Complete Idiots
Troon VS Sirocco
Bestiville VS Bongostan
Tonca VS Docere
Sliponia VS Peng-Pau
Hoge VS Aamericaa
The Big Little People VS Pazdom
Treynna VS Vtorbetin
-Arynth- VS Ghandi Followers
Dregruk
17-06-2005, 16:55
Rachel's Insanity VS Utter Complete Idiots

"For us, this month's cup has been the best ever!" Exclaimed the captain of the UCI team in the pre-match press conference, "We honestly couldn't hope for anything as good as this! The quarter finals?! Yippee!"

It turned out it was as good as they were going to get. The Rachel's Insanity team wasn't pulling any punches. Literally. The UCI team found themselves assaulted by the entire Rachel's Insanity team from the starting whistle. Teeth broke. Noses shattered. Children cried.

The pulverising ended UCI 0 Rachel's Insanity 3

Troon VS Sirocco

"We're nervous about this match. The Siroccans are very agile on those jetpacks of theirs." Complained the Troon manager at the start.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" Commented the left winger of the Siroccan team, soaring gracefully around the room.

It seemed the Troon players had developed a new tactic for taking on the airborne Siroccans. When the kick-off whistle was blown, the Troonites started kicking the ball as hard as they could at the Siroccans. The girls screamed and tried to get out the way, giving Troon a clear run towards the goals.

Three goals in, the half time whistle was blown. When the teams returned to the match, the Troonites once again fired the ball at the girls. One started crying. A sympathetic Troonite felt a pang of guilt and ran over to her to see if she was alright. He received a kick in the groin.

The Siroccans had new tactics too; airborne vicious pre-teenagers!

The match ended Troon 3 Sirocco 4

Bestiville VS Bongostan

Still shellshocked from the nitroglycerin fuelled first Heat, the Bestiville players took to the field. They appeared to be shaking from the start. When they saw the football, they screamed, "Not again!" And ran off the pitch.

Wanting some sort of entertainment, last year's Dregruk team took to the field in their place, declaring themselves "The New Bestiville Team". Points are to be awarded for originality.

It seemed that, despite their new name, the team was just as violent and cheated just as much. Great deals of pain were delivered with forks, graters and sponges (use your imagination).

The déja-vu inducing match ended New Bestiville Team 3 Bongostan 1
Dregruk
19-06-2005, 11:06
Tonca VS Docere

The Tonca team was on top form, making superb slide tackles and strikes. However, the Docere team was not willing to be put out so easily and responded to them with vicious kicks to the shins of the Toncans. As a result, 20 minutes of injury time was brought into effect.

The Docere team probably regretted their actions, since the Toncans proved that they were just as good at walking on their hands as they were on their feet.

The circus ended Tonca 6 Docere 4

Sliponia VS Peng-Pau

Not long after the kick-off, a mysterious object began approaching the stadium. "Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a UFO?!" Shouted a spectator, before being beaten by his friends for using such a tired old cliché.

"No! It's Sliponia-man! The embodiment of our dreams and ambition!" Screamed the captain of the Sliponia team, getting onto his knees and averting his eyes. His team followed suit. The Peng-Pau team watched with mild interest.

"Brave Sliponians, I come before you to offer you hope and encouragement in this... oh, bollocks." He said, just before an anti-aircraft missile hit him, blowing him into itsy-bitsy superhero pieces. Every Sliponian fell to the ground, crying. The Peng-Pau team set about getting a few goals in before going to the pub.

The match ended Sliponia 0 Peng-Pau 3, and a major blow was struck to the Sliponian nationalism.

Hoge VS Aamericaa

The match began with the referee making a witty joke about the previous match. The captain of the Aamericaa team smiled and said, "lol".

A silence fell over the stadium. The referee dived for cover. A troop of heavily armoured soldiers marched onto the pitch, with "Anti-lol Squad" written all over them.

"You are in violation of Section-7 of the Civil Awareness Act. The word you just said is punishable by death. Do you concur Captain Flamethrower?"

"Yes, Sergeant Anti-tank Missile."

"How about you, Private Garlic Crusher?"

"When can I get a decent name?"

"Oh shut up."

The Aamericaa team was cut down in a hail of bullets, whilst the Hoge team tried to get a few goals in. However, their left winger strayed too close to the firing line and lost his left leg. A story will be written about him as the daring hero of Aamericaa who tried to save the team from slaughter by sacrificing his leg.

The slaughter ended Hoge 3 Aamericaa 0
Dregruk
29-06-2005, 11:42
First off, I'm going to apologise for the delay in the broadcast. There was a bit of commotion in the region and I wasn't entirely sure I should continue.

Secondly, I'm in an insane hurry to get this dealt with and then get packed for my holidays. Because of this, I'm going to just post the scores themselves. If you desperately want to see what happened in the match... ask Determined Cows or somebody. I'm sure they'll do a good job.

The Big Little People 2 Pazdom 3
Treynna 1 Vtorbetin 0
-Arynth- 1 Ghandi Followers 3

Hell, while I'm at it, I may as well get the demi-semi final draw done.

Rachel's Insanity VS Sirocco
Tonca VS Peng-Pau
Hoge VS Pazdom
Treynna VS Ghandi Followers