NationStates Jolt Archive

This is the official South Osettia/Liverpool England World Cup 22 Pre-cup RP thread. OOC bickering should be avoided, but OOC is generally accepted here as this is not the final RP thread. All RPs will count towards the minimal bonus.

Official World Cup 22 Roster thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=410130)
Official World Cup 22 Scores thread (currently not in use) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=410131)
World Cup :: Discussion Thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=293066)
International Domestic Soccer NewsWires (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=288854)
World Cup 21: Cup of Harmony 13 (Winner: Gaian Ascendancy) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=407639&page=2)
Under 21 World Cup 14 (Winner: Starblaydia) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=407707)
Pre-World Cup 22 Baptism of Fire tournament (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=410633)

Liverpool England awarded hosting rights
FALE successful on 18th attempt

If there's one thing you should know about Liverpool England, it's the fact that we have failed to host a single World Cup - in 13 bid attempts (and one cancelled bid attempt in WC16) - until now.

The Football Association of Liverpool England (FALE) released the news to the joyous nation at a hastily arranged press conference yesterday. "The FALE are.... pleased to announce that all our hard work put into the South Osettia/Liverpool England World Cup 22 bid..." At which point the press started the get ready to leave, expecting the usual "has failed as we've not been awarded the rights," not noticing the specific wording of the FALE chief Gareth Dussis "pleased to announce."

"... All our hard work.... has finally paid off. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Cup... is coming back to Liverpool England! We're hosts!" And so, as it stands, unless something drastic happens, the nation is finally hosting the World Cup. Congrats go out from this paper to the FALE and the nation. Exclusive news from the World Cup to come!

The patriotic black-purple-white logo of Starblaydia Combined Broadcasting swirls and flashes onto the screen. The picture changes to two people in a television studio, sitting behind a desk.

"Good morning," says the youthful-looking middle-aged man with a deep voice and twinkling smile, "you're watching SCB:News with Dahlia Jabal and me, Michael Corley. The headlines today:"

The screen changes to footage of various news stories. Michael Corley continues speaking.

"Starblaydia prepare for the World Cup but are still without a manager. Election Campaigns in the Starblaydi provinces get under way. And Orcinus announces the purchase of a Nedalian Premier League club."

The camera cuts back to the stunningly-beautiful arabic face of Dahlia Jabal as she recounts the top story.

"Starblaydia's World Cup Qualifying preparations are well under way, though the question still remains as to who will manage the team. Various candidate have been touted in the press but the ultimate decision will be made by the Starblaydi Football Association. With the report, here's Alonso de la Garica."

Starblaydi footballers in tracksuits train on a sunny green pitch. Laughing, joking, kicking balls around and warming up. We spot the two Dwarven players, Azanulbizarn and Tumunzahar, warming up.

"Slipping back to twentieth in the world hasn't dimmed Starblaydia's hopes of taking the World Cup title, as they prepare for their World Cup Qualifying Group to be announced. The current squad, training today, have bee picked by officials at the Starblaydi Football Association and contains around fifty players who are all jockeying for position to get into the twenty-three-man World Cup and AOCAF teams. The only problem seems to be that there isn't a Manager for either team. Guylain N'Dumbu-Nsungu left his post 'by mutual consent' after the Cockbill Street/Lethislavania Cup where Starblaydia failed to win any of their Finals matches despite an impressive Qualifying run. Names such as Simeone Di Bradini, Nikola Lazerevski and Rikaard Van Honjiik have all been mentioned but there is still no word, official or unofficial from the SFA. Many in the football world are left wondering just who will be captaining the Starblaydi ship should Liverpool England and South Osettia be the destination.

The screen once again shows Dahlia Jabal, though this time a stockily-built black man in a suit is across the table from her.

"We are joined now by Trey Pickworth, host of SCB:Sport's 'Block and Tackle', welcome Trey, can you shed any more light on the manager situtation?"

"Well, Dahlia," Trey says with a smile, "this is a crazy situation, as without a manager there's no-one to weld this team of huge talent into a cohesive unit. I mean, in the fifty-man squad we have players from clubs in Vilita, Rejistania, even Liverpool England and Bedistan, as well of course Starblaydia and Nova Britannicus. Without an overriding ideal, this team won't even be a team."

"Who do you predict may take over?"

"All the big money is going on Simeone Di Bradini, of course, as he's led Starblaydia's Under-Twenty-Ones to their first championship, as well as winning the Four Nations Invitational in Liverpool England itself. But he's not come out and said that he has any plans to take a team to the World Cup. His assistant, Nikola Lazerevski, is also in line, as well as the Minister for Sport Lord Rikaard Van Honjiik. His Lordship has certainly showed his interest in a Managerial job, but for hands-on experience, he's the lightest of the three."

"Are there any other candidates?"

"Well of course, every manager in Liga Starblaydia can be a candidate. Eomer Hall, Ryan Garry, Boaz Myhill... the list goes on. Then of course there are foreigners, but I don't think Starblaydia as a whole is ready to accept a foreign manager yet, with their crazy foreign ideas. Starblaydia is the best country in the world, and I'm sure we'll find the right guy."

"Trey Picworth, thankyou for joining us," Dahlia says with a smile as the camera cuts back to Michael Corley who continues with the next item.

"Electioneering has kicked off today across the nation's provinces as incumbent and would-be Governors try to win over the nation's voters..."

THE BROMHAM OBSERVER

It's Bixler!

NOVA Mercia prepare for their first World Cup with the appointment of their first manager. Former Melmond national coach David Bixler, sacked by the MFA after their play-off defeat against Krytenia a year ago, has been appointed to lead the Midlanders at their first global appearance.

Bixler is expected to announce his squad for the Baptism Of Fire tournament later today, and Nova Mercia will be hoping to emulate the likes of Aquiliana (World Cup Last 16 at their first attempt) and current Cup Of Harmony champions Gaian Ascendency. And with an experienced man like Bixler at the helm, that could be a distinct possibility.

Journalists are waiting eagerly, fidgeting with their equipment, making sure everything is just right. At that moment, Randy Gamman, Nedalia's U21 head coach, walks out and sits himself down infront of the microphone. Cameras start flashing.


"Hello, and welcome to the first official press conference concerning Nedalia's World Cup 22 campaign. As all of you are well aware, Im sure, Nedalia's fantastic ride in the U21 World Cup has brought our country to the attention of football fanatics around the universe. After our success in the U21 World Cup, we have officially submitted our intent to qualify and participate in World Cup 22, and after meeting with Minister Homsi, I have been named the 1st Nedalia Lions senior squad Head Coach. It is a great honor and I hope to represent the title in the best way I can. I am fully aware that as of right now, we do not have a senior squad, so that will be the very first task I have in hand. Obviously, players such as Nene, Innit Point, and the wonderful young striker Tim James will be called up, and I do have the Nedalia Premier League to scout, but it should not be too long before I make up my mind about who my 22 players will be. That is all for now. Thank you."

Gamman stood up and headed away from the podium, journalists screaming questions in his ear. He was well aware that competition in the U21 was like child's play compared to the World Cup. This was going to be a very tough task.

Search for new manager continues

by Kelly Parker
LSPN.com

Arthur Schram looks to be facing the most trying time in his 6 years as Executive Director of the Legalese Association Football Confederation and Soccer Legalese. Not only is he under the pressure of directing Legalese's efforts to co-host the Baptism of Fire Cup, but he has to continue the search for a new manager. This all comes amid the wake of the public discontent with recent results from Legalese Soccer.

Today showed no progress for the director, as interviews with local candidates failed to result in a final candidate for the job. Rumors are that Schram has secretly contacted international candidates for the job, but nobody at the LAFC would confirm this.

Schram himself appeared tired at his press conference today.

"I regret to inform you that no candidate has been offered the position of Manager of the Legalese Men's National Team at this time." said Schram.

The need for a new manager came as a shock to most Legalites, as did the death of former manager Robbie Heard following qualifying for World Cup XXI. This was followed up by the interim appointment of former keeper Tommy Walters, who resigned after Legalese was knocked out of the Cup of Harmony by Gaian Ascendancy, the upstarts that would eventually go on to win the Cup.

This loss, happening on Legalese's home soil, coupled with losing their joint hosting bid (with the Tropics of Vilita) to the nations of Liverpool England and South Osettia, has led many doubters to question Schram's future role as Executive Director. It is thought that a failure by Legalese to qualify will result in the end of Schram's term.

Liverpool England Pollster Murdered

Crystilakere defender Donato Arrigoni is currently being held on charges of Manslaughter after allegedly using his motor vehicle to track down fatally injure a Pollster from Liverpool England whos name has yet to be released. Animosity has been flowing throughout Crystilakere ever since a poll was released classifying past champions and #9 team in the world Crystilakere grouped into the same pot as the Totally Useless Liars and other completely horrible teams such as Abysmalistan and Audioslavia while people were given the option of choosing teams like The Belmore Family and Hiiraan. An outspoken native of South Osettia, enraged at his nation being left off the list despite being a host nation, was also brought in for questioning but released earlier today.

In unrelated news, former Crystilakere goalkeeper and World Cup 19 champions Emilliano Addis has applied for the vacant managerial position of the Legalese National team. Addis spent his playing days in Melmond, but has been longing to a return to his native Atlantian Oceania and his qualifications for the job as a past World Cup champion are apparant.

ChicanadaSun
Home To The Best Gossip In All The Land

CFF Eyeing WCXXIII? Cherry Cup Makes Hopes Spring Eternal

Sources within the Chicanada Football Federation are reporting that CFF Chancelor Gaston Yp'knolayt is rumored to be in talks with the Queen Of Crazy Jaquee about helping run a Chicanada bid for the next World Cup.

Jaquee Moriseete, who is running around chasing Very Angry Rabbits and Druida fans, has also led one of the most productive Cherry Cups in recent memory, even if the memory is slightly tarnished with massive pinwheels being built to help convert rednecks and manslaughter on the ice. Regardless, Crazy Jaquee and her bid team are discussing the possibilities or leaping into the bidding on behalf of the CFF.

No word as to whom the Kodiaks would want to team up with to host, but the rumor is fellow BoF/CoH compatriots the Liamist States and the Gaian Assendancy are the current favorite to be approached. No word from either federation over this matter, but we plan on sending our very lovely Page 4 Girl U'lana to both states to see what is up over there.

In other news and rumors, Jesnui Viladetta is expected to announce the NSWC Qualifying Team within the next few days. Most expect star midfielder Baston Jillien to not make the squad due to commitments in Vilita and many think players from the recent u21 Club could make the team.

"Emiliano Addis? Who's he?"

"Oh, the goalkeeper for Crystilakere back in World Cup XIX. You know, he helped them win it all. He also played for clubs in Melmond professionally, but it seems like he wants to come home."

Schram picked up the article from the Crystilakerean paper, scanning it for information about Addis. "Hmm, interesting. Maybe we'll have a little chat with him. Annie?"

Schram's secretary walked into the room. "Sir, I already contacted Mr. Addis's agent. Emiliano will be making a visit here later this week."

Arthur Schram looked at his appointment book, to see where Annie had already penciled the Crystilakerean candidate for the Manager's position in. "How'd you know?"

Annie smiled. "Just a hunch, sir. just a hunch."

(a press conference with Odie Zandoon, new manager of the Kingsford International Squad)

ZANDOON: Hello, and welcome to my press conference. I'm the new coach of the Kingsford side, which I've nicknamed the Kingsford Pandas. I'm better than all of the previous coaches combined, I should think. Also, I'm better than Rejistania.

ZANDOON: I suppose you all read the Minister of Sport's Press Release detailing the team. Well, you should've anyways, you're the press. I'm not going to repeat it here. What I am going to do now, though, is a clever little dance.

Odie does a clever little dance

ZANDOON: Now, with that out of the way, let me say the following: We've been out of the cup for a few years, and even though the players are the same as when we left, for some odd peculiar reason our performance is predicted to be worse. How, I don't know. Sure, our ranked dropped, but the rank has nothing to do with the players, it just has to do in how long its been since we've played, I'd imagine. They're just random numbers anyways. I don't care about them. In fact, if random numbers were a person, I'd probably kick them in the teeth. I hate random numbers. Now I'm going to open the floor to questions.

:Mr. Zandoon, is it true that you used insider information to gain an unfair advantage in stocks?

ZANDOON: Shut up! Go away! Next question.

:Mr. Zandoon, you're featuring some young players on your squad. Why not go with the veteran players?

ZANDOON: Stop criticizing me! This conference is over.

Odie leaves the room

OOC- As a show of my good faith in the co-hosts to be truly non-partisan in generating the scores :) , I am not going to request that LE score all my matches, like I had been planning on.

IC-


OFFICIAL NOTIFICATION FROM THE PRAYING2GOD GOVERNMENT

The Praying2God government has sent a 3.5 million prayers donation to both Liverpool England and South Osettia to help them run an outstanding World Cup.

Stars look to build on success

You would think a historic run in the previous World Cup would relax a coach who has seen great turmoil and immense frustration in his four World Cups as head coach and six World Cups with a talented national team. But if you're talking about Sarzonian Coach Dave Wilson, you don't know him.

Instead of the usual jovial manner with which he started each prior World Cup as head coach, he began his first press conference scowling.

"We just had the worst [expletive] practice we've had since I took this damn job," Wilson fumed. "We're playing like a bunch of fat arses out there. Terrible."

The team is coming off a World Cup qualifying campaign in which the team won its first-ever World Cup finals match, a 3-0 domination of Nonesuch Street and advanced to the knockout rounds for the first time in team history with a 3-0 win over The Lowland Clans, the second win against their Atlantian Oceania rivals in the World Cup season. But Wilson bemoaned the team's supposed lack of intensity before the World Cup qualifying campaign begins.

"This is right around the time we expect to start turning up our level of play," Wilson said. "We've been pretty good in the past since I took over, but this is a lot like what we did when [late Stars coach Bryan Marshall] was the coach. "We had some good success then, but we were new back then and we were able to play without anyone really knowing what we could do. We've got a target painted on our backs now."

The team made some small changes, as sweeper Corey Hemby announced his retirement and defender Trevor Crenshaw stepped into the starting 11. The team will play a 4-4-2 formation instead of their recent 3-5-2. Midfielder Darwin Russell was named the team's captain after Brian Wilson stepped down from that role.

"Brian just thought it was time for another voice to lead the way," Russell said. "I've had a chance to wear the [captain's] armband, so I'll just do what I can to keep the guys in line."

~ The Little Team that Could ~

The Seraphim Team Coach Kerensky was asked ealier today after a warmup practice verses the Jurai`alheim Clans local club, of what the team was like going into the next World Cup, after their recent experiences.

"Well one can be sure that the teams we beat will be looking to gun us down if they get the chance. But then since we 'did' beat those teams, you can forget about us being intimidated anymore."

..and about the keeping the team fresh with so many practice matches all over the Republic nearly constantly. "Stamina. If we saw one thing that worked in our favor, stamina with youth managed to help limited experinece win it all.

Besides, if our Tourmans can be pushed very hard, so can our teams. After all, excellence isn't achieved by luck alone, despite what everyone else would like to believe."

..and of the chances in the Cup. "It depends on iour standing, as well as.. *chuckle* ..luck. But we intended, with lack of actually expecting, to go deep in the CoH. I wouldn't be suprised if we put the fear of the goddess Creation in several high ranking teams, and even go deep into the CUp rounds there too.

..but to win it all isn't our time just yet. CoH and the WC are two very different tourneys.

But we will play to win, and nothing less."

Finally the word that a couple of teams suddenly look up to the Seraphims.

"Well, that's what we made one of the dedications for when we won the CoH. Heck, if several teams rise quickly because of what we have done, then our work is doing far better than we ever could expect.

But for the idea of hosting anything yet, we'll wait until we've gained some more respect. After all, the current hosts Liverpool England and South Osettia are still far more worthy of such honors than we. We'll give that bit some more time.

As for now, we'll continue to be a players nations... for now."

After the interview, the Gaian Team went to participate in a strange ceremony, where they traveled to a Shinto Shrine to participate in rituals meant to work more on their 'xen' mediations, as well as to simply work hard for an afternoon, helping to understand that even as players, they were still souls of the Republic, allowing them to appreciate those they play for, the nation that is.

..nevermind that several of the players have 'acquaintances' there. =^^=

"No, its not done. And no, I dont know who I'm going to choose. We are collaborating with the newly formed Nedalian FA to see what are options are, but I still dont have any idea. I can tell you for sure that Nene, Innit Point, and Tim James are locks. James might be too young still to start, but Nene and Point have the capabilities of lighting the World Cup on fire. I expect them to. But other than that, I have no idea. On another point, I would like to express my condolences to those who lost loves ones and their own lives in the tragic Bridgeport neighborhood fire. My heart goes out to them in this very hard time in their lives. I wish them all the best."

Gamman stood up and walked away, ignoring the barrage of journalist questions. He had no idea how he was going to get his team ready in time. There was a couple of friendlies organized against Hyporcria, one of them to celebrate the beginning of the Nedalia Premier League, but that wasn't nearly sufficient enough practice. Gamman had just led the U21 Lions squad to the Finals of the U21 World Cup, but this was a whole new ruthless game. He shook his head to himself. He was getting a headache just thinking about it. What to do, what to do....

The San Solari Spectator
þ1.00 - Sunday, July 19, 2071

Bedistan for a repeat?
Experts say, "Not on your life"

AMISSVILLE, Cint. -- Well, with preparations for World Cup 22 already underway, the obvious question on everyone's mind is whether the Bedistan Lions can successfully defend their title. This feat has so far only been accomplished by Brazillico (WC5-6) and Rejistania (WC17-18). Unfortunately, most experts do not seem to think that the Lions will become the third team to do so.

"It's just not in the cards," says BFA senior member John Gosford. "After all, it took us seventeen attempts just to win it the first time. That's not very encouraging, and if we do win the Cup again, it'll be a long way off."

Little information is currently known about Bedistan's WC22 squad, but we do know that it will remain under the coaching and management of Mike Davidson.

World Cup 22 is expected to begin next year, sometime after the Baptism of Fire tournament.

Assistant Coach Barry Owens has expressed an interest in taking over the head coaching position for the Legalese national side. He brings several World Cup qualifying campaigns of experience as the top assistant for a Sarzonian national team that has earned a reputation in the international community as a very competitive team.

He has been largely responsible for the team's defencive strengths and would implement the attacking style Sarzonians prefer.

Arthur Schram is sitting around the office, discussing the applicants for the Managerial position with the Legalese National Team with some of his buddies:

Schram: Well, first we have that new guy, Addis. He's a keeper, and has won a World Cup with Crystilakere, though it looks like he has little coaching experience. What do you think?

Friend #1: A keeper? You saw what happened with our last keeper to take the reins! Artie, you need someone with experience to do the job.

Friend #2: Experience? Nonsense! Hell, Robbie knew nothing about soccer when he started. To be honest, I still don't know why he took that bet... But anyways, if this Addis lad has the leadership needed to drive this team, then I'd say give him a shot.

Schram: Well, you both have good points. I like the kid's playing resume, but I just don't know what to think about his lack of a coaching resume. If this were the u21 job, I'd consider it. But for the man who needs to get us to the World Cup? I just don't know. I'll see how our meeting goes with him.

Friend #1: Good idea, though I don't see how you can give the job to someone with no experience. That's why I like that Rejistanian, what's his name?

Schram: Kansu Lyku, Cockbill Street's former manager. He lost that job after someone poisoned him.

Friend #2: A Karelian? Artie, you're seen what that crackpot you've got coaching the u21 kids has done. There's no way you can put someone who runs a 6-3-1 in charge of our team!

Friend #1: Well, at least he understands the importance of keeping the other team out of the net. That's one place where we've always been lacking, in the back. I mean, no offence to Dasherson, but after Walters retired, that part of the field has been too uncertain. Maybe it's time to try some more defense.

Schram: He's clearly a well-qualified candidate, though I do wonder about his adversion to defense. We've tried it at the u21 level, so by next cup, he might have the players for it, but not quite now. That said, he's up there on the list, once he can get over here for an interview.

*Schram sees another application on the desk, just delivered that morning*

Schram: Hmm... interesting. Sarzonia's assistant, Barry Owens, wants the job too.

Friend #1: A Sarzonian? He doesn't hate us enough to care?

Friend #2: Whatever, they are friendly folk after all. What do you know about him, Artie?

Schram: Well, he's been their top assistant for quite awhile now, and has seen that team grow to their current heights. His specialty is defence, and he'd like to run the Sarzonian tactics here in Legalese. What do you guys think?

Friend #1: Sounds alright to me. I'd give him a look.

Friend #2: Yeah, I hope you set up an interview with him.

Schram: I'll have Annie do that later, if she hasn't read my mind again. Anyways, thanks for stopping by guys. I haven't really recieved any other applications, save for a streaker from Kingsford, so it looks like it'll be down to these three.

World Cup Returns To The Heartland

In fact, this will be the first World Cup to actually be played in the Heartland, since the last time a Heartlander won the bid 64 years ago, Spaam was put into civil war. Hopefully this time there will be no wars, and Spaam can repeat the success that they had in that cup, reaching an exciting 3rd position! Spaamanian fans will be rejoicing that the cup is being held in Liverpool England, as flights to the nation will be much cheaper, and there is rumoured that there will be a discount price on tickets for anyone residing in a South East Heartland nation.

There will also be much rejoicing as there will be more media coverage of the World Cup and the qualifiers, due to the tension between the USFA (United Spaam Football Association) and the NSWCC (NationStates World Cup Committee) finally being resolved. There was much internal strife with the NSWCC, with the Spaamanian delegates often fighting with the Rejistanian president and the Vilitan delegates, which culminated in the USFA totally boycotting the cup 12 years ago in the Belmore Family, and boycotting all media coverage of the last World Cup. However, there has been big changes in the NSWCC, with the election of a Bedistani president, the failure of the Vilitan World Cup bid, and the final acceptance of the Spaamanian delegates changes to the structure of both the World Cup and the NSWCC.

These changes include giving more power to the hosts of the World Cup, which will benefit the Liverpool Englanders, including more nations into the NSWCC, and removing the dictatorship powers of the president, which should no longer be a problem now with the Bedistani president. Unfortunately it does mean that for the first time in 60 years, Spaam will not have a vote for the next World Cup hosts, though the USFA will still be a major player in the NSWCC. With this change, the current delegate will retire after the changes to the NSWCC and World Cup are made final. There is no news as to who will be the new delegate.

Meanwhile, the USFA has not announced the squad for the World Cup qualifiers, but it is anticipated that the answer will come in the next few days. The schedule for the qualifiers is also waiting to be announced, and the public is anxious and excited to whom the Spaamanians will be going up against. The latest rankings are also due to come out soon, which will hopefully see the Spaamanians hold onto their top 40 position. There have also been reports that there are talks within the USFA that for the first time, Spaam will open their doors to other nations to play in the Spaamanian leagues, as well as introduce a new program of international cooperation. All this coming with the up-coming Presidential election and national rebordering, means that this will be an exciting few years for Spaam!

We are in the cellar of the ASR. A strange smell of coffee, Pizza, high-performance computers and someone sleeping there regularly. The person, who normally lives there is Siki Rej. Currently, he is (as always) sitting in front of the PC but he is not typing furiosly as always. He is sitting there, staring at the screen without seeing it and thinking. Suddenly the phone rings. Yes, Siki Rej even has a phone in his programmer's cave.

"'jida?"

"Hejida Dad!"

"Nana su?"

"Yes, it's me, how's life in Sike?"

"Don't ask!"

"That bad?"

"I sometimes wonder why I am doing all of this, it has no real effect!"

"All this?"

"Programming the Hexatux 2."

"I do not see what you mean, it has great effects on our national team, we were in the semi twice!"

"And how did we profit from this?"

"Siki, did you still not get over the two losses? They are happened... it is not your problem that someone uses a va'karela in a wrong way."

"It feels like it is."

"Siki, I know what you need! Go somewhere and have some fun!"

"Fun?"

"Yes, you programmed for how long?"

"Years!"

"See? Get a life!"

"Where can I order it?"

"gah"

Nikola "Laser" Lazerevski crossed a large black line through the last name on his list as they left the room. He looked across at the Minister for Sport, Lord Rikaard Van Honjiik.

"That's the last of them, my Lord."

"No suitable candidates?" he replied.

"None, my Lord." Nikola looked at his notes. "Save Simeone, of course, but he didn't apply."

"Should we appoint him?"

"I don't recommend it, my Lord," Nikola said, "force him into it now and he may resent it."

"Well," the Minster for sport looked down for a moment, considering the options, "I shall do it, then."

"My Lord?"

"And you shall assist me, Nikola."


Lord Van Honjiik Takes Control
"Laser" To Assist Minister for Sport at WC22

"I am very proud to have accepted the Starblaydi Football Association's nomination for Manager of the National Team." Lord Van Honjiik said in a statement earlier today. "I believe that we may have the best strike force we've ever lined up in a match before. Belizaire, Tumunzahar and Lyku-Agbayani are our dream-team attack, and I'm sure they'll be breaking scoring records left, right and center."

While confirming that Starblaydia will have a front-three, probably with Lyku-Agbayani withdrawn into midfield in his favoured position, Rikaard Van Honjiik made no mention of how good his goalkeepers, defenders or midfielders are. Starblaydia's men between the sticks are either too young, too old or are just the right age but not really good enough. As for defenders, there are few colossal presences like Martin, Durand or Majeed, save for perhaps Martin Watt.

All-in-all, Starblaydia probably deserve their position as only (only, he says!) Twentieth in the World and are much-annoyed at the 'inferior' nation of Nova Britannicus snapping at their heels just three ranking place behind. When the Baptism of Fire is completed and the Groups are drawn for the Qualifying campaign, Starblaydia will be looking for an excellent performance to get them to South Osettia and Liverpool England.

Ex-Vikings Manager James Wash reported to be applying for position in Legalese

After being replaced by Gisterfred Q Disterfred as the coach of the Fmjphoenix Vikings, he was offered the job as coach of the Junior Vikings, the U21 squad, but declined. He stated that he still wants to manage a major team still and has heard of the opening for coaching in Legalese.

Despite leading the Vikings to the second round and a 3-0 Victory over champions Bedistan, the FAF wanted to get a new coach in and see what an outside influence might have on the team. Wash has good credientials, as he has led the Vikings into the second round of 2-3 Cup of Harmony entries and lead the Vikings one point shy of qualifying past the second round in World Cup XXI.

"I remember when we first started competting in the World Cup, Legalese was the very first team we played in the Baptism of Fire. They were a great team then, and are stil evolving into a great team. They got us in the Cup of Harmony 12, and I was even more impressed with their advancement. It looks like they have lots of good players that are ready to take the next step and challenge the top teams in the world." Coach Wash said in a press conference in the Vikings Sports Complex.

The 45 year old coach was a great played in his days for the Alabaster Lions, totalling 225 goals in 10 seasons. The only reason he did not play for the Fmjphoenix Vikings was because he had retired the year before entry into the World Cup, and it was decided that the best player in Fmjphoenix would be a great choice for coach of their team. Even though the FAF wants him to stay within their organization, they understand his wanting to coach a major team and wish him the best of luck.

Rumors abound, as international candidates vie for managerial spot

by Kelly Parker
LSPN.com

The race for the position of National Team manager appears to be heating up in Legalese, as three candidates have been interviewed, and two new ones enter the mix. A brief synopsis of the candidates follows:

- Emiliano Addis, fmr Goalkeeper, Crystilakere National Team: Addis comes in, fresh off a long career with the Crystilakerean Nationals, as well as a professional career in Melmond. Of the candidates, he appears to have the least experience of the bunch, but an unnamed official stated that Addis "impressed" LAFC Executive Arthur Schram in his interview.

- Kansu Lyku, fmr. Manager, Cockbill Street National Team: Lyku, a native of Rejistania, previously served as the head of Cockbill Street's National Team, leading them into World Cup XXI. However, after he was poisoned shortly before the start of the World Cup Finals in Cockbill Street and Lethislavania, leading to Christine Andrews taking over the job. Her success led to the permanent removal of Lyku. From a strategic standpoint, Legalese can expect to see a lot of defense from a Lyku-managed squad, with the 6-3-1 formation to be anticipated.

- Barry Owens, assistant manager, Sarzonian National Team: Schram is scheduled to meet with Owens later today, but already seems to be favoring this candidate, and for good reason. As the top assistant for Sarzonia, Owens has had numerous years of experience, helping that side reach the heights of the World Cup. Owens is also somewhat familiar with Legalese, the two sides having met frequently during the early years of Legalese Soccer. What benefits Owens is his specialty, defense, as he has been the Sarzonian's defensive tactician for years. However, unlike the overly-defensive-minded Lyku, Owens plans on using Sarzonian attacking techniques as well.

In addition to these three names, two more candidates have made themselves known:

- Douglas Freech, Mgr, Lopinka Rovers (Vilita); Fmr. Capt. for Liverpool England: Not much is known about Freech, other than his experience. The Liverpool Englander is currently manager of the Lopinka Rovers, a Vilitan club.

- James Wash, Fmr Mgr., Fmjphoenix National Team: Led Fmjphoenix to multiple Cups of Harmony, as well as to World Cup XXI. Is likely to be interviewed by the LAFC later this week.

Schram said that the LAFC would likely make a decision sometime over the next few weeks.

Henry Tuck sat naked in his house, reading the news on LSPN.com. "What the bollocks upon tripe?! Where am I in the potential candidates. I sent in my application." Tuck stood up, much to the dismay of, well, everyone. "That's it, I'm going to make a statement this cup, whether you like it or not."

Tuck was coming out of retirement, and it certainly wasn't for the Sheriff position. It was something much, much worse. Tuck, now 57, had unfortunately kept himself in good health. Now, he was going to resume his career as streaker.

"Qualified. Bah! Who needs qualifications anymore. I paid for that degree online."

the following actions happened between the hours of 8pm and 9pm.

doomhammer is at his house reading a book. the phone begins to ring. doomhammer picks it up.

DH: hello?

SS: hi, it's me. just come to let you know the results of the WC poll the ECFA commissioned.

DH: ok then. good news first.

SS: the majority of nations now considered ECTH to be a nation and not just one person.

DH: and to think it only took 20 years.

SS: 67% of people feel that ECTH isn't a bunch of whipping boys

DH: and that only took 16 years. Great.

SS: and 74% of people can now tell you apart from spongebob squarepants.

DH: great! now tell me the bad news.

SS: 87% of people think of the lions as bumlike or worse.

DH: and the 13%?

SS: they didn't understand the question.

DH: what about the other nations.

SS: a large majority of them has an opinion that we as a country are socially retarded. The others just think were a tad weird.

DH: and what the total sample

SS: 38 people

DH: and how were they vetted?

SS: if they attended the local YOURFACE meeting then they were interviewed

DH: and YOURFACE stands for?

SS: Yorkshire organised union for restoring footballs actual culture exhibition.

DH: FOR THE LAST TIME. GET A REFLECTIVE SAMPLE!!! ALL THE POLLING YOU DID COST 3,190,000 CM!!!!

SS: and are you saying it not worth it? We found out that…

DH: GET A BETTER POLL!!!!!

SS: …Ok. Fine. You’ll have your Poll.

DH: good. Hop to it then.

Dyer String, one of the few Nedalians oblivious to the joy that is football, was on holiday. In South Osettia, as coincidence would have it. Enjoying the wonderful life South Osettia has to offer, he was. Drinking his orange juice, having a continental breakfast, reading the paper...could he ask for anymore. He thought not. But as he was scanning the headlines, something unexpected caught his eye, a headline on the back page that read, "NEDALIA LIONS TO PLAY ON U21 SUCCESS". Back in Nedalia, there was a huge deal going on about some under 21 football team making the World Cup finals, he remembered. The country has gone football mad, he thought. He shook his head, and continued to read.

"Lions Head Coach Randy Gamman has mentioned that he has a few names for his 22 man squad that he will send to South Osettia. He has mentioned that Nene, the U21 player who shown in U21 World Cup 14, will be starting on the Left Wing despite his young age of 17. Gamman believes that he will provide to the senior squad what he provided for the U21 squad. He has also named James and Point, both from the U21 squad as well, as players that will be called up but will mostly likely start each game on the bench. As for Innit Point, the 19 year old attacking midfielder is set for a move to Starblaydia to play for Internashionale. The transfer fee was reported to be around the $6 million range."

Interesting, String thought to himself. It seems like Nedalia are really making moves in the football world. It didnt suprise him one bit, either, given that the Nedalian people have always been intense and passionate about their sports. Couple that in with patriotic pride, and you've got yourself a country that will stand by its teams till Nedalia doesn't exist anymore.

Oh shit, he thought, Im running late. The bus is going to live without me. He picked up after himself and rushed down to the lobby to catch his tourbus...

"....uhhhhh.... umm... n.. no, I don't think so..."

Seto gave a cocked eye at the couple. "It's just a chair. Chairs don't kill you.."

"..depends on the type." ..which makes Seto think and nod. "True..

..but I've found out that dissapointment tends to do great harm as well."

The two look at each other, and Seto huffs in response, giving an anime cock-eyed look at them, shaking her favored bento fan at them. "You two are well worth what this chair means. Besides, you 'aren't' the first ones to sit in this seat cushion."

"I thought it was a throne..."

Seto flusters back.. "Oh all right, a very lavish seat. And one I am giving you both the chance to sit in. How often does one get such a chance?"

The husband looks at the wife of the most famous sports team in the Republic with a shrug. "What could it hurt?"

"Are 'you' serious?" ..jabs back the wife of said husband. Seto rolls her eyes and smirks. "Oh do some on now. You've seen and touched everything else in the Palace, why not a chance at real glory? Aside from his majesty's bedchambers...."

"No thank you milady.." ...Katya and Traniel both retort to THAT thought. Seto just hides a giggle under her fan.

Finally, the two look at each other, and then Katya flusters with her hands. "Oh alright!" ..and they both sit in the large white and blue velvet seat, studded witn mini-holo panels and LACARS style readouts. Both reflexively rub the seat fabric. "Wow... cushy.." Traniel remarks, and gets a look from both laides. "What?" ..he replies defensively.

..and then on cue, by providence, or just because it's on the way, Lord Aleaic saunters into the chamber from the Command Center adjacent to the Council Chamber where the 'throne' lies. He sees the 'scene' and quips.. "Ah..." ..which makes the 'other' two Kerenskys FREEZE in panic... "..already trying to replace me again I see."

Seto just flicks her fan and wave-points it at Aleaic. "You know that sports figures in political positions is a ploy for the popular mindset."

Aleaic just dryly replies. "Don't go there milady. I'm still trying to burn the thought of you in a cheerleader uniform from my mind." ...which gets the 'Seto-devil-anime-look-from-hell' routine, but Al's been exposed to that too often. He instead rounds the Council table and leans on a seat nearby. "So.. how's the seat?"

Katya and Traniel both stab-jitter-eye each other and replie back in semi-coherence to the same. "Oh it's great sire, sure fine my sir.. I mean my lord.. I mean.."

Traniel adds looking at the panels on the seat. "Is it true sire that you can watch hundreds of sports sattelite feeds from this chair?" ..which gets an embarassed whack on the chest from Katya. "Dear!" "What?"

Aleaic smirks and points. "Hit that blue button on the fourth row on the right arm panel." ..Traniel does as 'commanded' and get a eye full of holoscreen pop ups, all filled with sports channels from all over the galaxy. Traniel and Katya go 'oooooh' as any good sports fan would and Traniel sniffs.. "I love you."

Aleaic blanches a touch. "Save that for the Coach there." ..and then stands back up, handing a Padd to Seto. "Well, if you're honing my replacements.." ..which make the couple freeze with confusion.. "..mind if they handle my job for awhile?"

With the couple suddenly comically objecting in the background, Seto quips with an 'evil' tone. "How long will that be for?"

"For an hour or so, I'm starved. I'm going to find Sasami and get a meal." ..and Aleaic just plainly heads to the Family chambers past the Council chambers, with a wave to the couple. The two then look at Seto blankly. "He's kidding right?" Katya asks..

Seto bluntly looks back with.. "You both went through basic training. You can handle the task of running our empire can't you?"

While the two squirm, Seto uses her infamous poker face to 'torture' them for an hour.. or so...

...as the team letter sent to the Council a few days ago suggested.

Whoooooooooooo boy, when Katya eventually finds out.......

---For Immediate Release---

Finalists announced in Legalese Managerial Search

courtesy of the LAFC


Francis Town, Legalese- Arthur Schram held a short press conference today, in which he named Barry Owens, Kansu Lyku, and James Wash as the three finalists for the position of National Team Manager. All three, along with applicants Emiliano Addis and Douglas Freech, underwent interviews with Executive Director Schram prior to the nomination.

All three will now be invited back for final interviews before the full Executive Council of the LAFC, as well as attending a training session of the Legalese National Pool, currently consisting of 35 players from around the country, many with experience from either Cup of Harmony XIII, or with the u21 National Team.

The Executive Council consists of 11 members, including Exec. Dir. Schram, selected from each region by the registered clubs/members, with a nationwide vote to select the Executive Director. The 10 councilors will vote on the position in approximately one week, with the chosen candidate needing 6 votes. Should there be a tie between two candidates at 5 votes apiece, then Dir. Schram shall cast the deciding vote.

Also present at the meeting were Legalese National Teamers (from the Cup of Harmony XIII and World Cup XXI Qualifying Rosters) Will Marx, Icello Dicello, and Jules Shipton. All three, along with Schram, gave comments:

Marx: "It looks like we have some great candidates for the position here. If we get a manager that will help us form a good defensive stratey, I'll be happy."

Dicello: "I've heard a lot about Lyku and Owens, and they both seem like good managers. I'm really interested to learn the Sarzonian attacking schemes that Barry wants to bring over."

Shipton: "I like all three of the candidates, but that guy from Fmjphoenix, James Wash, he seems to know what he's doing well. Heck, he got them into the Final pretty quick. Wonder if he can do that for us."

Schram: "What we have here is three guys with good experience, a proven track record, and men who can help us get through to the World Cup finals this time. No matter who we pick, it should be a great time for Legalese Soccer."


---For Immediate Release---

EXCITEMENT ABOUNDS IN WARRIORS' LOCKER ROOM

The excitement level in the Warriors' locker room has increased dramatically now that they are in final preparations for WC XXII. Expectations are becoming ever greater for the team that brought the Warriors back onto the international soccer stage, as this will be their third WC together as a team. Rumors have it that there may be changes to the roster after this WC if the Warriors fail to qualify. However, considering that the Warriors have come close to qualifying in each of the last two WCs, they should be able to get over the hump this time, even though their rivals South Osettia are one of the co-hosts. Head Coach Paul Johnson wasn't concerned about that fact, "We have no reason to doubt that the South Osettians will do a great job, and we know that Liverpool England will do a good job. It might even create an interesting storyline for the world press to follow if we qualify, and then are sent to South Osettia for the group stage, as our rivalry has been well documented in the international press."



SPRING ROMANCE BLOOMS INSIDE WARRIORS' LOCKER ROOM

The Praying2God Warriors players are now being more open (for the most part) about their romantic relationships. It has now been established that two reserve defensemen, Loren Peterson and Ellen Davis are engaged. There are also two more sets of couples in serious romantic relationships. Starting defensemen Luke Royal and Jenna Sullivan, as well as starting midfielders Kevin Faith and Christa Nelson. The mystery resounds around the most famous players on the Warriors roster, forward Thomas Larson and goalie Sarah Walker. Rumors amongst the media are that the two of them are in a relationship as well, but neither them or their friends in the locker room are commenting on the rumors.

THE HERALD SPORTS DIGEST

Will Eight Be Enough?

KRYTENIA prepare for their eighth attempt at the World Cup this season, more in hope than expectation. Adam Vernazza's men have, once again, failed to win a finals game with a poor showing in Cockbill Street, but will be hoping to travel to the WCXXII finals, and will probably also be hoping to be drawn in South Osettia (but that's still a way off).

Sportswear company JMC's purchase of a Nedalian club could also be interesting, as it may provide a "feeder league" for young Krytenians, and possibly a few Nova Mercians too. Can the Caleys do it this time? Let's sit back, and watch what transpires.

Barry Owens presentation for Legalese managerial opening

Highlight shows Owens from his playing days for the Stars, then shows Owens with a whistle in his mouth conducting defencive drills.

"Thank you for considering my application for the managerial position for the up-and-coming Legalese football programme. As you can see from the highlights, my priority with the Sarzonian national team has been defence. Aggressive, in your face style defence. This kind of play requires the defencive back line to be hard-nosed and willing to deny the goal to an opposing team's forwards or creative midfielders at all costs.

"I can accept players who are less talented or who play a less physical style than my own from my playing days." Cut to Owens chewing out defender Mike Coyle during training. "But one thing I will never accept on any team I coach or play for is lack of effort. If you don't leave everything on the pitch, you don't belong on any team I coach and I'll find someone else to take your spot on the squad.

"You're probably wondering with all this talk about defence if I'm going to implement a black and blue version of System Karela. Well, don't worry about that happening. My time with the late Coach Bryan Marshall and with Coach Dave Wilson has made me a firm believer in the offencive system the Stars employ." Cut to a computer-generated demonstration of the Sarzonian offencive system.

"The Stars system is based on possession football, keeping the ball by putting emphasis on short, crisp passes but always looking for opportunities to press the attack. It is predicated on having a playmaking midfielder to distribute the ball to forwards, having a defencive midfielder helping out the back line and receiving balls from defenders to provide a link between the defence and the attack. Generally, Sarzonian forward lineups have had one withdrawn forward who can help distribute the ball or can range back into midfield when needed and one pure striker, but those roles often overlap.

"I believe firmly in the principle that practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. A Barry Owens-coached football team will be well-versed in sound fundamental football. It will work harder than any other team in World Cup qualifying. It will play aggressive defence. It will play a calculating, attacking style of offence. If you pick me, you pick someone with the pedigree of being the top assistant for four Sarzonian national teams and the second assistant for the first two. You also pick someone who played for a first-time Sarzonian team that finished third in the inaugural Atlantian Oceania Cup of Association Football and who played on the pre-World Cup XVI Baptism of Fire championship squad. In other words, a vote for Barry Owens is a vote for a proven winner."

Personel Profile: James Wash

This is a just released article about ex-Vikings Manager James Wash. Before he was the coach of the Fmjphoenix Vikings, he was a Fmjphoenix Football League, leading the Vanguard Eagles to 10 straight champtionships. He holds the record for most apperences in matches and most goals scored and most hat tricks. During his 12 year career in the FFL, he played in 468 of 480 matches, not including playoffs(40 match season). His goalscoring was the best ever seen in Fmjphoenix, scoring 648 goals and registering 97 hat tricks over his 12 years. He started playing professionally at the young age of 15. Many sports fanatics in Fmjphoenix have wondered what would have happened had he played for another 8 or 10 years. He was captian of the Eagles all but his first year playing. He had an uncanny knack for leadership, and several times would take the team onto his back and carry them through tough matches. He was always loved by members of the teams he played on, and everyone has only the best things to say about him. Everyone was shocked when he suddenly retired though, as he was easily the best player in Fmjphoenix. But shortly after he announced he was retiring, he revealed he wanted to coach. That was where his heart was. He loved football, but no longer had any desire to play. After a year of coaching the Spraat FC, the FAF came to Wash asking if he would come out of retirement to play for the national team being created for entry into the world cup. He declined stating that he no longer had a desire to play. A week later, the FAF was back, but they were offering him the job of coaching for the Vikings. This turned out to be what he was looking for.

It was only fitting that the greatest player in Fmjphoenix would become the greatest coach in Fmjphoenix. He came up with an inginuitive variation of the 4-3-3 that would become the focus of the Vikings run in World Cup XXI, where they would qualify for the first time in history. Despite defeating the eventualy champions Bedistan in the second round, they were eliminated without much fight. Despite the qualification, the FAF decided that they wanted to bring in someone fresh for the Vikings. The team knew that Wash was leaving after World Cup XXI because the FAF was not going to resign him at the time. There was a grandoise ceremony for Wash held by the players of the Vikings. There current and former Vikings and Eagles told testaments to Wash's character, his poise, his willingness to do whatever it took forthat extra push for a win. Wash will always be remembered in Fmjphoenix for two things. His offensive superiority is the first. He turned every national team into an offensive juggernaut. It was Wash's formation that turned the Junior Vikings into champions and brought the Vikings into the second round. The other thing is his personallity. There was never a person that James never got along with. He was the type of person who could come into a hostile situation and turn it into a friendly talk. He taught his players to leave it all on the pitch. No matter how aggresive and intense they get on the pitch, off of it they were respectful to everyone. Every team he was a part of was just like family. They trusted each other without thought, and were their no matter what happened.

James Wash is the biggest influence on Fmjphoenix football, and wherever he goes to coach now, he will be a great asset to bringing the best out in the teams.

GANN News Special Report: ~ *..a few seconds for the reporter to ready and..*

Yes, we're on? Okay..

..and we're back with more news about the National Team status and their condition, as reports are still being confirmed about an freak accident between the DropShip the team was travelling on, and a rouge stellar object, most likely a minor planetoid. Apparently the collision occured as the team was traveling entroue to the Tanite Worlds System for a match friendly there tommorrow evening, which at this time has been postponed indefinitely until the situation has resolved itself.

.........and we are now confirming that the DropShip indeed was struck... yes? Yes... that it was struck and that a vacumm puncture was registered, but that sealants and forcefields limited the loss of atmospheric pressure. We still have no word about the team's condition.

The DropShip, a Union-C Class, was travelling between the Regulus and Tanite Worlds Star Systems on an Invader Class JumpShip with two other DropShips, about 6,000 passengers and over 65,000 tons of cargo aboard the three DropShips besides the National team. Mind you this is normal traffic types between Republic worlds and trips like these are routine.

We will keep you appraised of the situation still unfolding, once the team reaches a StarPort inSystem. There are six StarPorts in the System, with the nearest Gamma-XII Station near planet Tanite-F. Estimates are as long as four hours on low sublight to reach the nearest Station or StarPort if power is diverted to structural integrity as is the norm in such situations.

History of such incidents, since the Bacum I System disaster in November 3203, when a DropShip with over 1,200 passengers was struck by an even rarer Class Seven planetoid, destroying the DropShip outright, and damaging the accompanying JumpShip badly, killing 52 more, has led to strong navigational and safety requirements for vessels travelling between Systems. Since then, such incidents have rarely claimed any lives, with the last deaths occuring four years ago after a DropShip in the Japanus Prime System was similarly struck.

When the National Team arrives at any one of them, we'll get a new report as soon as we can manage it. We presume many in the Republic are very worried, and messages from fans and well-wishers throughout the Republic are being recieved by the Team's families even as we speak.

Unnamed helper: "We've got to get him!"

President Smith: "Get who?"

Unnamed helper: "The Bedistani boys. You read about them. They played that computer game, and then the real game went exactly the same."

President Smith: "Oh them."

Unnamed helper: "Yes them. And who won the whole shebang in the end?"

President Smith: "That would be Bedistan."

Unnamed helper: "Exactly."

President Smith: "So..."

Unnamed helper: "Well... it can hardly be a coincidence. Compared with some of the hare-brained ideas we've had to help our team along, this ones almost a sure-fire winner!"

President Smith: "So what do we have to do?"

Unnamed helper: "It's easy. We send our intelligence service into Bedistan and kidnap them."

President Smith: "Now I'm no genius, but there's a couple of flaws in that plan. One, won't it be a bit... well, wrong?"

Unnamed helper: "Wrong, sir?"

President Smith: "Well, we can't really go round kidnapping children willy nilly, we'd get ridiculed the world over."

Unnamed helper: "It pains me to say it, but you've actually got a point there..."

President Smith: "And you told me the other one. I let the intelligence service go and work for DruidSport TV as a football commentator."

Unnamed helper: "You did indeed."

President Smith: "So what can we do about it?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, I guess we'll just have to think of something."

- - - - - - - - - -

That night, the former Druidan Intelligence Service, a Nova Brittanican called Dave, is out in a club in Cefn...

Girl: "Hey, do I know you from somewhere?"

Dave: "Nah mate, ah daan't think you do."

Girl: "I do, you're off the telly. I've seen you."

Dave: "Well... maybe you have."

Girl: "You're f***in' good."

Dave: "You're not bad yourself, daahlin'. Ahm Dave by the way."

Girl: "That's a f***in' stupid surname."

Dave: "What? Naw, mah surnames Jones."

Girl: "Oh *she giggles* I'm Jemima. Jemima Jaffacake. You might know my grandad."

Dave: "I think I've bumped into him a couple of... woah! Where you puttin' your mits?"

Jemima: "You don't like it?"

Dave: "Well..." *he gives her one of those dirty grins* "Surely we could find somewhere a little less... public..."

And with that, they both leave the club and disappear off into the dark of the night.

"Look, look!" Lord Van Honjiik exclaimed, "the footballing world think that my team is most likely to win this World Cup!"

Nikola took his eyes off the training session and looked down at the newspaper.

"Except for, 'Other'," the Minister for Sport continued, "but i've never even heard of them. Are they like Oaker?"

"Kind of, my Lord," Nikola replied.

"Oh look," Lord Van Honjiik said, turning to the society pages, "that Jaffacake heiress is falling out of her top as she falls out of a club again."

Nikola glanced breifly at the picture, never a man to turn down a glimpse of naked flesh.

"But..." he started, "that's... Dave? The cheeky bastard!"

"Who?"

"Oh," Nikola came to his senses, "nevermind, my Lord."

"All I know is who I've faced," commented Randy Gamman, manager of the Nedalia Lions. "Look, i dont know anything about Bedistan and all that. I couldn't tell you, Ive never seen them in action. We didn't have TV back in the days of WC21."

"Ask me about Starblaydia, and I'll give you a full, in depth report. Ask me about Sarzonia, Crystilakere, South Osettia! Ive faced those teams before. Yeah, I know, it was the U21 and that was an entirely different ball game, but you know what? Im sure its the same gameplan."

"Am I happy with my selection? Ofcourse Im happy with my 22 - man squad, otherwise I would not have selected them, would I? Young yes, but these kids are extremely talented. Don't doubt them. I am sure you all remember what happened when you doubted the last Nedalian team that competed in an international competition."

"Ah yes, Nene. Well, he is young, so I wouldnt put too much pressure on him, but honestly, this kid is going to drive defenders crazy. He is going to light the international stage up. A wonder, that kid, an absolute wonder."

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Audioslavia 19th Time A Charm?
As the draw for the qualifiers gets closer, Danny Bracken looks at Audioslavia's chances.

The 'slaves will kickoff their nineteenth attempt at the World Cup next month.

The team looks pretty good, although since the retirement of international captain Gregor Johnstone, the defence looks half as powerful. Colgan and Caravaggio - both vying for the right-back spot - are good but not great, Raven isn't up to the standard of Arne Carel's glory days, but then again, neither is Arne Carel. Aron Ceulemans is as dependable as ever, but there are concerns as to whether Anders Burn will be up to scratch.

In midfield there's no doubting right-winger Taurxa Jeroen, who played his heart out in Vilita last season and was a first-choice pick in World Cup 21. Jack Battle should keep his place ahead of the few players who play in that defensive midfield position. Meanwhile, Kristen Dvorak and Kelly Torrini will try to carry out the impossible task of filling in for the now retired Jansen and Marriot.

Its all change up front too, but one feels it could be for the better. Cesare is on top form for Cornellby, whilst young-gun Jan-Arne Hellberg is banging in the goals for Machinegrad.

If the 'slaves can sort out their defensive worries, i think they'll be in with a good shot at the world cup.

Audioslavia were spoilt in the last decade by two world cup final appearances after indifferent performances for most of the matches in the tournament. Although we can be proud of the team for World Cups 19 and 20, they were hardly of the calibre of the electrifying wins that took the World Cup 12 side to near-glory.

Didi Romanov missed that WC12 side by a few years, and will hope to get his hands at least near the trophy as a manager.

The 'slaves are no longer the best in the world, but as anyone will agree, they are more than capable of beating any side in the world. Especially TnUI.

I've been Danny Bracken, g'nite bitches.

*in a darkened room in Vanguard*

KL: For the secrecy of us, we will only use initials to recognize each other, is that understood?

PS: Sure thing Kyle.

KL: Sigh..... Anyway, you are going to lead a group of 5 others into Rejistania. The Karela way of football is rubbing off too much in the world and something needs to be done with it. Wehat we have planned is for you and your team to infultrate Rejistania, find the Hexatux where they have the va'karela stored and saved, and steal it.

PS: Steal it? Like steal the whole system?? Isn't that big?

KL: Not the whole system idiot, just the program. You will be given a disc with va'takil on it. System Takil is the opposite of Karela. This would induce more attacking football, which would bring higher scores and more entertainment. What is great about the program you will be given to replace is that the va'takil is masked by a fake va'karela. The Hexatux will see it as va'karela, but when it operates, it will be va'takil.

PS: I see, that would be much more interesting instead of watching 90 minutes of players standing around doing nothing.

KL: Thats the point. You have one week to select your intrusion team. Time is critical. We need to have the va'karela replaced before the World Cup starts. The BoF is coming close to the start, so you must be headed out to Rejistania before then. I will contact you in 6 days to set up a meeting. Get going.

PS: Sure thing Kyle. *runs off*

KL: Sigh, smart help is so hard to find sometimes....

The Hexatux is standing in a the cellar of the ASR. Siki Rej is typing furiously. He is changing a part of the evaluation, which runs too slow for his taste. Sometimes he pauses a bit and thinks or drinks his coffee. After a while, he stops, murmuring something, the magical camera of RP can not make out, most likely because there is nothing making sense in it. He starts to write a mail in the normal Siki Rej style, that means: he connects to the emailserver directly and types the mail protocol. We configure the magical camera of RP to filter out all geekness and get:

From: Rejsi@asr.esu.rj
To: KaLi@Karela-Lines.esu.rj
Subject: The va'karela and the Hexatux

Whom ever this might concern,
I know that you are using va'karela'ny to make your team play that defensively. I see no other possibilities. I also expect you to use va'karela to influence the fans to like that system. I believe this for the simple reason that I saw amateur teams in other nations (I do have data of all important and most insignificant leagues) and none played as Karelan as Karela. I need detailled information on how much a va'karela can effect the team (here much geekness is filtered) and I am hoping for your cooperation. The national team is more important than our clubs, we all want Rejistania to succeed, even despite things like va'karela'ny - or maybe because of it.
Sa ven,
Siki Rej


Then we finishes the mail, closes the connection, takes a sip from his cup of coffee and then lays on the floor to sleep.

Everyone Hates Those Darned Audioslavians
AP - Let's face it. We all have prejudice and bias. Some have more than others; I know I do. I personally hate Rejistanians, with their arrogant language and their fluffy waffles. But there's one ethnic group that everyone hates, regardless. It's those darned Audioslavians. Who on earth _would_ like them? First of all, they're foul mouthed. Also they talk with that obnoxious and pompous accent. Anyone who thinks they're better than anyone else I hate. They probably don't even naturally have their accent, they just put it on as a show. Like French Canadians. And I hate the French Canadians. But not as much as the Audioslavians. They also have foul mouths, polluting our precious cleanliness with their vulgar accented slurs. They do it just to spite our pristine environment, I know they do. Also, they're on the region called the ASS. Which is what they are, you know. Oh, and they suck at winning. They've never won a cup. We're so better than them, which is why I hate them. We are truly the superior race, the ubermensch. It is our divine duty to cleanse the earth of the unworthy and the impure. It is us Kingsforders who shall reign supreme. First on the pitch, but then... on the battlefield!!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!

From the Alotion Star

From: sono@karela-lines.esu.rj
To: rejsi@asr.esu.rj
Subject: Re: The va'karela and the Hexatux
Hejida Rej'he!

You are right, we use va'karela'ny, but don't make it public. I guess there will be teams who will refuse to play in our stadium when this is known. I asked the tech, who made them for us to make you one so you can test the effects, you asked us for, where we couldn't get data from. I guess: 'in the cellar of the ASR' is a valid address for you.

Sa ven ji va'il veka,
Sola Nomite

PS: your system time is seriously wrong, it says you mailed at 5am.

Attachment: va'karelastats.tar.bz2


"Veka" murmured Siki Rej and started writing an answer.


From: rejsi@asr.esu.rj
To: sono@karela-lines.esu.rj
Subject: Re: The va'karela and the Hexatux

Hejida Nomite'he!

I will not tell people about the 'tactaical advantage', you have. Thank you in advance for the va'karela!

Sa ven,
Siki Rej

PS: My system time is alright, my sleeping pattern is seriously wrong

Who on earth _would_ like them? First of all, they're foul mouthed. They also have foul mouths, polluting our precious cleanliness with their vulgar accented slurs. They do it just to spite our pristine environment, I know they do.

From: j.jaffacake@sosunday.org.aud
To: a.p@a-star.co.ck

Fuck Off.

J.J.

(ooc: Brilliant! :D )

DUM DUM DUMMM!

Yes! Its time for a trip down memory lane, with Ye Olde Audioslavian Football!

Yes it is, and to mark the occasion, we at Channel One are talking to you in this special way

Thats right Kevin. You see listeners, in the old days, the two reporters would speak in very similar accents, and the only way to tell them apart...

Was if one of them spoke in italics

Alriiight!

Woo!

So, what's on tonight's program Keith?

Well, first up, its Audioslavia vs Great White Sharks, the opening match of the World Cup 6 qualifying!

Excellent! Lets take a look!


DUM DUM DUMMMM!!!

Welcome to Sports Report, on channel one with your hosts, Jeremy Jaffacake and Malcolm McVities.

Hello and welcome to our new-look studio, in keeping with our new-look Audioslavian national team which embarks on it's first world cup match for around 2 and a half years since our narrow exit from the WCV qualifiers.

The wait has enabled Audioslavia to spend time on a thriving national league system which is heralded 20 new faces for the tournament in Kingsford, plus the older faces of Cornell, Morello and one Zacheria De La Rocha.

De La Rocha has always been a mainstay in the side. Despite not being completely reliable, what with his habit of getting sent off in important games and stuff.

Youd have thought he would have got the anger out of his system after a decade screaming obsenities at thousands of people, but no...

Lets have a run-down of Audioslavia's group and fixtures:

WCVI GROUP 2:
Porvoo
Iuthia
_AMP
Starving Children
Jay Cutter
Cobra Cult
Great White Sharks
Audioslavia

Audioslavia - Great White Sharks
_AMP - Audioslavia
Porvoo - Audioslavia
Jay Cutter - Audioslavia
Audioslavia - Cobra Cult
Audioslavia - Iuthia
Starving Children - Audioslavia
Great White Sharks - Audioslavia
Audioslavia - _AMP
Audioslavia - Porvoo
Audioslavia - Jay Cutter
Cobra Cult - Audioslavia
Iuthia - Audioslavia
Audioslavia - Starving Children

So..... which team would you say are the 'danger' team in this group......

Its hard to tell, theyre all somewhat of an unknown quantity..

Well, theres probably going to be eleven in each team...

yes.... youve made that joke before havent you..

yes...

Well our first game is against Great White in the newly built Superunkown Stadium here in Soundgrad, try saying that when your stoned....

god im hungry...

Yes.... well... join us after the break for Operation: Dont Get Buttraped Like Last Time' live, on Channel One

Can i just stop that there Kevin?

Sure.. hey i thought you were Kevin?

But i thought i was Jeremy?

No way, youre not Jeremy

Ah.. i must be tinky winky then....

Yes... so... what did you want to stop for?

Well, to ask a question. What was 'Operation: Don't get Buttraped Like Last Time'?

Well, to explain, we'd need to run a video of Audioslavia's World Cup Five matches

OK, so lets do that.

I'm afraid not Kevin, the government banned us from showing our World Cup 5 matches. Something to do with hating Squornshelous, One Red Dot and Hendland.

Ah. OK, so lets carry on with Audioslavia Vs Great White Sharks!

...roll VT

DUM DUM DUMMM

Welcome to Channel One news

The 'slave team were cheered off the field today after their strong two-nothing win over newcomers Great White today. Goalscorers Benson and Richmond were 2 of the more talented hopefuls that graced the Audioslavia national leagues in recent years and their good showing has lead to a strong start to the campaign.

Audioslavia's opposition in group B are all newcomers to World Cup Football and are expected to be of a similar standard, so a succesful qualification run is expected, and needed if Audioslavia are to shake off the tag of "World Cup laughing stocks"

The goals were a header by Benson in the first 10 minutes and a beautiful chip by Richmond in the second half. Audioslavia are tied for the lead after one game but down in third because of goal-difference.

In other news tonight, Audioslavia's sister nation Republic Of Tha Machine were dissapointinly beaten 3-2 tonight in their first world cup game. Following a 2-leg loss to Audioslavia in a friendly, Tha Machine have yet to win a game in international football.

This is Jeremy Jaffacake for Channel One news, g'nite bitches

Excellent!

Yep! And guess what?

What?!?!

That was the first ever swearword to be uttered on Audioslavian television!

Jeremy Jaffacake? Saying "G'nite bitches"?

Yep! That was the first time!

Wow! And who would have thought that, sixty eight years on, he'd be the reason why Kingsford.. and apparently everyone else... think that Audioslavians are a bunch of loud dirty-toungued potty-mouthed motherfu...

From: ha.e.hangila@fale.gov.len
To: queries@asr.esu.rj
CC: queries@starblaydifa.co.st , queries@audiofa.org.aud , queries@fa.com.be , queries@favilita.com.vi
Subject: Availability of Ralph Sirx

Whomever this may concern,
You may like to know that the services of Ralph Sirx, former Liverpool England senior and under 21 manager, are now available. His contract with the Football Association of Liverpool England, henceforth known as the FALE, has been terminated with effect from the start of World Cup 22 Qualifying. Any Football Associations wanting the services of Mr. Sirx should contact the FALE for immediate signing of paperwork.

Yours,
Ha~e Hangila
FALE Technical Director

From: jgilligan@fa.nm
To: ha.e.hangila@fale.gov.len
CC: mercia@kryteniafa.kt
Subject: RE: Availability of Ralph Sirx

Mr Hangila,

We have heard on the Atlantian Oceania grapevine that Ralph Sirx is available for coaching opportunities. Though the position of Senior Team Manager is currently occupied, we are interested in hiring Mr Sirx to head our International 'B' Team, which will take part in future AOCAF competitions.

Please inform us if Mr Sirx is interested in negotiations.

Yours,
James Gilligan
FANM Chief Executive

(OOC: Krytenia? .... Okay, following is all based on assumption, but I'm sure, if you ARE Kryt, about Sirx's...... er,.... employability, being born Abysmal... :p )

(OOC: Krytenia? .... Okay, following is all based on assumption, but I'm sure, if you ARE Kryt, about Sirx's...... er,.... employability, being born Abysmal... :p )

[OOC: Yes, NM is my puppet, and it gives me an excuse to do something ... different in AOCAF.]

To: ha.e.hangila@fale.gov.len
From: rejsi@asr.esu.rj

Hejida Hangila'he (je jilih'veka alna visko Hank~hila'he?),

"queries" mi'aru'ta namin, il'la'sidekhir xe. xe'ki'lene'ta, xe'vana kevaki'het jilih. il'lanja'sidekhir Abysmalistan je tani'ny janek.

Jie, il'aru "ha.e" sureja? Lokisiel ines mi'sutene ~'ny.

Va'il veka, (il'milhan'ta xen ki,)
Siki Rej

Unnamed helper: "I think we might have our man back?"

President Smith: "What do you mean?"

Unnamed helper: "Well you know we lost our Intelligence Service to the lure of television?"

President Smith: "Uhuh?"

Unnamed helper: "Well... look!"


The Daily Muck

TV DAVE IN COCAINE SHAME
By Trevor Titley

TV football commentator Dave Jones was sensationally sacked last night after it was revealed that he had snorted cocaine with glamour model Jemima Jaffacake.

Nova Britannican Jones, 34, was formerly a member of the Druidan Intelligence Service until a brief stint as a guest commentator during World Cup 21 landed him a permanent job at DruidSport.

However, his shenanigans with your Daily Muck girl Jemima, 18, have forced him from his position.

Speaking exclusively to us, Jaffacake said, "Yeah, we did a few lines, but so what? Who cares? I took him home and f***ed him six times in one night! How f***ing great is that?"

Jones declined to comment.


President Smith: "It's the Daily Muck. Like you believe anything you read in the Daily Muck!"

Unnamed helper: "It's not just them. Look."


The Daily Druid

COMMENTATOR JONES SACKED OVER DRUGS DEBACLE
By Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po.

DruidSport commentator Dave Jones was thought to be heading back home to Nova Britannicus last night after he was sensationally sacked from his position after being caught snorting cocaine.

Jones, 34, had been to the Liquid night club in Druida's capital, Cefn, where he was seen leaving with notorious slapper Jemima Jaffacake. The two then returned to Jaffacake's flat, where they snorted lines off a glass table, while Jaffacake took pictures of the act on her mobile phone.

Jaffacake, 18, is half Audioslavian in decent, though her Druidan side comes from Jenny Trevor, physio with the NEWI Cefn Druids World Cup 17 team (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=7016115&postcount=150). Trevor had an affair with joint manager Simon Greaves, now with Sjwitz, only to run off with the dictator of Kirata (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=7027205&postcount=200). It is thought that Trevor went from partner to partner around the world, before eventually giving birth to Jemima in Cefn. DNA tests later showed that she was of Audioslavian descent.

It is unknown whether or not the police will press charges, but it is thought that the Druidan government will want to make an example of one of their former employees, as Jones was formerly part of the Druidan Intelligence Service.

President Smith: "Well, he's an idiot. We should make an example out of him."

Unnamed helper: "Sir, where is your sense of cunningness? It's exactly for the reason that nobody will expect us to be crazy enough for us to give him his job back that we should give him his job back. It's a double bluff of the craziest proportions!"

President Smith: "Well, I don't know, but if you say so then let's do it!"

Unnamed helper: "Great! I'll call him right away!"

President Smith: "Er... why did you want him again?"

Unnamed helper: "How many times do I have to tell you!?!?! To get those Bedistani boys we read about in the papers who played the computer game that came true!"

President Smith: "Oh. OK. Well, er, you go back to doing whatever it is you do..."

Unnamed helper: "Running the country?"

President Smith: "Whatever it is you call it. I've got to sort out my DruidLeague sticker collection. I only need a few players I can't say the names of properly to fill it!"

The vice president of the Abysmal FA, Eep, sits in his office, the rain drops into buckets through the leaky roof. His helper Tsha enters:

Eep: Most horrible morning, Tsha!
Tsha: Abysmal morning, Mr. Vice-President. I have terrible news for you!
Eep: Tell me, my mood is not ruined enough!
Tsha: our financial status is so bad that we can't even afford the red ink to write it down.
Eep: So prices for red ink rose, what is new?
Tsha: not just that... we can not afford to pay our share of the reconstruction of the Abysmal National Stadium, we can not afford to pay Crap's and Gurg's wages.
Eep: Could we ever?
Tsha: Even my wage for tommorrow evening is uncertain.
Eep: When do we get our fees?
Tsha: the day after tomorrow so they are worthless.
Eep: how about merchandising articles?
Tsha: no sales.
Eep: we are in trouble.
Tsha: I said so before.
Eep: Maybe we can get a sponsor for the national team.
Tsha: People must be crazy to sponsor us!
Eep: Then we ask in Commerce Heights!
Tsha: Point!

President Smith: "Whatever it is you call it. I've got to sort out my DruidLeague sticker collection. I only need a few players I can't say the names of properly to fill it!"

[OOC: As I live about a mile from Merlin's HQ IRL (and worked there for a fortnight) I claim publishing rights to that sticker collection. :p ]

THE BUREAUCRATIC TRIBUNE
fancy headings aren't necessary

By Mike White, Jr.

MEGALOPOLIS CITY (BT) - "Consider for a moment a nation of 3.514 billion disappearing beneath the waves in mere moments, reappearing decades later relatively unharmed.

Welcome to this place I call...the Twilight Zone."

"Haha, I love that show," states new Oglethorpian Association of Football President Joe Staplin. By no means is Staplin a native to the country - ousted from his native Stanigramistan after a conflict in the Comfintern (Communist Football International) leadership leading to his exile, and the rise of the Leon Brautskov government advocating communist football worldwide.

Staplin's eventual plan for the newly infantile international football program will be to match the past exploits of the team. "Three World Cups...5 finals, a Giant Evil Spider World Cup...okay, maybe only one of those is true. But we'll match it. Kind of, I imagine."

Kind of indeed, with Oglethorpia now out of five World Cups since World Cup 17 and on the sidelines for WC22.

"Our bad," said Staplin.

While expectations within in Megalopolis City are high, the people remain skeptical the next World Cup will be anything but an embarassment.

"Hey," Staplin retorted in disgust, "embarassment is a start; and so is a team of idiots, which we're likely to have. It'll make every improvement on the way a propaganda victory!"

And so the countdown begins for the reemergence and inevitable asskicking of Oglethorpian football.

---

OOC: Oh lookie, post 4,400.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips say...

AP - for centuries, that idiom has gone unfinished, but the answer is clear now. All the little chicks with the crimson lips form those crimson lips in a series of positions necessary to make words, the series equaling out to what positions you would nead to vocally pronounce "Oglethorpia Sucks."

Yes, that's what they say. And it's true. "I never knew how bad they sucked until I finished the idiom with 'Oglethorpia Sucks,' and then it hit me like a bag of llamas," says Korrem Azazozou. Azazozou is the Holy Republic's leading expert in determining the suckiness of anything unkingsforder. He's a genuine patriot. He's most recognizable by his trademark catchphrase, "I hate the Audioslavians."

But this isn't about the Audioslavians. It's about those darned Oglethorpians. And how much they suck. We have concrete evidence. For example, did you know that the Oglethorpians used to call soccer futebol, or something outrageous like that? Did you also know that Georgia was originally founded by James Oglethorpe to serve as a protection area between the dirty spaniards in Florida and the cash crops in the carolinas?

And also, call me ethnocentric, biased, rascist, hateful, etc, but don't Oglethorpians look rather comical? And they all have colors as last names. It should be, like, Rainbowthorpia. Man, that was a good one.

"So basically, Oglethorpians suck," comments Azazozou, "but at least they don't suck as much as those Audioslavians. I hate the Audioslavians."


OOC: Just a bit of poking fun and payback for the Charcoal thing

To: ha.e.hangila@fale.gov.len
From: rejsi@asr.esu.rj

Hejida Hangila'he (je jilih'veka alna visko Hank~hila'he?),

"queries" mi'aru'ta namin, il'la'sidekhir xe. xe'ki'lene'ta, xe'vana kevaki'het jilih. il'lanja'sidekhir Abysmalistan je tani'ny janek.

Jie, il'aru "ha.e" sureja? Lokisiel ines mi'sutene ~'ny.

Va'il veka, (il'milhan'ta xen ki,)
Siki Rej

I say, that's about as high of quality RP as Spam's "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" discourse a few cups back. I feel enriched just by reading it.

The private portion of the meeting ended, with the straw poll taken. The vote totals will never be known, but what is known is who the new manager will be, when he is confirmed by the official vote. But until then, Arthur had to get the word to the winning candidate. "Annie? Can you put me through to Sarzonia..." said the Executive Director.


Later that day:

Barry Owens Named New National Team Manager

The LAFC Executive Board has found their man. With a unanimous vote, former Sarzonian assistant Barry Owens has been selected to lead the Legalese Men's National Team into their fifth qualifying campaign. Owens is known for his hard-nosed style of play, which he executed as a player, and plans on implementing in Legalese as a coach.

Owens was not available for comment, though an LAFC spokesperson said that he will be arriving in Francis Town over the next few days, as he prepares to select his qualifying roster.

To: ha.e.hangila@fale.gov.len
From: rejsi@asr.esu.rj

Hejida Hangila'he (je jilih'veka alna visko Hank~hila'he?),

"queries" mi'aru'ta namin, il'la'sidekhir xe. xe'ki'lene'ta, xe'vana kevaki'het jilih. il'lanja'sidekhir Abysmalistan je tani'ny janek.

Jie, il'aru "ha.e" sureja? Lokisiel ines mi'sutene ~'ny.

Va'il veka, (il'milhan'ta xen ki,)
Siki Rej

Translation please? looks a bit like spam.

Stars' Owens tapped for Legalese job

Sarzonian national team assistant coach Barry Owens, who has had a seat next to Coach Dave Wilson on the bench since the days both men were assistants to late Coach Bryan Marshall, has been announced as the new head coach for the Legalese national team.

"While we are saddened to lose a coach with the talents of Barry Owens, we are thrilled that he is getting the opportunity to serve as a head coach of his own programme," Coach Dave Wilson said in a statement. "I wish Barry the best of luck with the Black and Red -- except when we play them."

Owens said he has accepted the Legalese offer and would be on his way to Francis Town to supervise the training camp and select the roster for the next World Cup.

"It is a great honour to be named a national team manager for the first time," Owens said. "Legalese is a programme that is on the rise and I predict we'll do great things in a Cup or two."

The Black and Red has just missed on World Cup qualifying in its last few Cups, and has developed a heated rivalry with Sarzonia after winning the first-ever meeting between the teams, 5-2, in Legalese's national stadium. The loss angered the Stars, some of whom still blame that loss for the team's missing out on the World Cup XIX Finals. Sarzonia earned some revenge on Legalese by defeating them twice in the 10th Cup of Harmony, including a 2-1 win in the final match.

Owens said he wouldn't commit to a full roster for the Black and Red until he's had a chance to make "a proper evaluation.

"I may pick mostly World Cup qualifying veterans or I may go with a completely different squad. I don't know yet and I won't know until I get there and start seeing what we've got," he said. "The players who earn the spots will be on the squad. The ones who don't will stay home.

"There are no superstars on any squad I've been a part of and I don't intend to start now."

By popular demand:

Hejida Hangila'he (je jilih'veka alna visko Hank~hila'he?),
Hello Mr. Hangila (or is it better to say Mr. Hank~hila*),

"queries" mi'aru'ta namin, il'la'sidekhir xe.
"queries" isn't here {doesn't exist}, you reached me.

xe'ki'lene'ta, xe'vana kevaki'het jilih.
I will not give up {resign}, I like this job.

il'lanja'sidekhir Abysmalistan je tani'ny janek.
You maybe contact {ought to contact} Abysmalistan or small countries.

Jie, il'aru "ha.e" sureja? Lokisiel ines mi'sutene ~'ny.
Well, why are you "ha.e"? New software supports ~'s.

Va'il veka, (il'milhan'ta xen ki,)
Do it well**, (if you don't play us,)

Siki Rej

*The spelling reform, which limited rejistanian to the 18 letters of the rejistanian alphabet and removed tha 'latinistic' signs for letters like 'g' (which exist in some languages in the Rejis) happened when Ha~e Hangila was already in Liverpool England.

**A way to say 'goodbye' in rejistanian. In synchronous communication, the reply is "va'il dary" meaning: "do it great!"

Snipping snipping snipping goes the scissor man...

~ ` ~ <<: !THE BUREAUCRATIC TRIBUNE! :>> ~ ` ~
okay, we admit fancy headings do look pretty damn rad

GRAZROKISTOV (BT) - A joint team of geologists from Oglethorpia and Stanigramistan have found coal deposits miles beneath the crust of the Plain Flat Plains, possibly indicating the presence of a coal bed, and therefore the former position of the snobbish and overly patriotic Republic of Kingsford.

For many, Kingsford still means coal. And so even with a new region and new surroundings, Stanigramistan to Oglethorpia's south has merely inherited the crown of economic backwardness from the dearly departed ex-neighbor.

While geography has changed and neighbors have switched as if moving between regions were as easy as a mouse click, this image remains firmly implainted in the minds of Oglethorpians;

http://img43.echo.cx/img43/5959/kingsfordcharcoal6yd.jpg

---

As Kingsford would call it, good-natured fun.

Lmfao :D Aaah memories, can't find the old Kingsford football strip that was converted from a picture of a sack of coal though :(

182nd floor, One TechConGroup Plaza, Aeropag, Western Terranordalian Islands

General John Sheppard [Commander-in-Chief, Capitalizt Defense Alliance]: All are present and accounted for. Mr. Puckett, you say you have something urgent?

Mark Puckett [CEO, Capitalizt Consolidated Conglomeration Corporation]: C4 has run into a few…difficulties, and we may no longer be able to contribute funds to the CDA. We feel that, rather than relying on potentially unreliable corporations for its funding, the CDA should seek out profitable opportunities in uncharted markets.

The entire room pauses to consider CEO Puckett’s suggestion.

Jack Dalton [CEO, TechConGroup]: It might be nice if the CDA could be self-supporting, but planes and spaceships aren’t cheap. The X–302 project cost the CDA more money than any of its members (including my own company, excluding profit from the X–302 sale). Besides, if the CDA were a self-sufficient business, General Sheppard could effectively become the military dictator of Commerce Heights, and we’d have no power in the CDA other than as shareholders!

The room nods in agreement with CEO Dalton.

Puckett: Mr. Dalton, I was suggesting no such thing. These…opportunities I referred to would require the resources of CDA members. We wouldn’t be doing something simple, like making socket wrenches, building planes, or writing newspapers. The “uncharted markets” I’m talking about are more complex ventures, like…long-term humanitarian aid missions.

Cody Bolin [CEO, Commerce Heights Engineering and Technology Alliance]: “Humanitarian aid”? Are you mad? This isn’t some Eauzian State committee, we’re free people!

Puckett: Your concern shows exactly why I refer to this as an uncharted market—an ordinary Capitalizt wouldn’t think of providing the service. Most people think of such things as highly unprofitable. But with our resources, we have the unique ability to develop a struggling economy to a reasonable level, to a point at which they can pay us for the service.

Bolin: Who’s going to pay us?

Puckett: We’ll sign contracts with certain major organizations to do work for them that they can’t afford themselves. We’ll plan these actions to achieve an end result in which the nation can earn profit for itself. Then, we’ll collect the debts and move on to another nation.

Dalton: You must be insane! How can anyone seriousl—

Sheppard: That must be one of the most brilliant business concepts I’ve ever heard! Where can we begin?

Puckett: I’ve always liked a challenge—how about Abysmalistan?

Dalton: Abysmalistan‽ What the slani he—

Sheppard: That’s enough, Jack! You may leave now…

Dalton: We’ll be leaving the CDA, too. Perhaps you’d like to reconsider?

Sheppard: It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, but, with this new opportunity, we won’t need your help. If we need some spacecraft, we’ll be haggling our next contract—that is, if SMEC isn’t able to reverse-engineer the X–302’s hyperspace generator.

Dalton (walking out): In that case, let the mer’slani, Aquillan, profit-stealing CDA filth plague our—

Sheppard (sighing): Good riddance! So…Abysmalistan, eh? Don’t they have some sort of soccer team?

John Ruffin [CEO, Aeropag Tribune Media Group]: Yeah, but it’s not much better than their currency—I understand that our newspaper sells for trillions of yen down there!

Bolin: I heard their stadium collapsed in the middle of a tournament, since it was built in some sort of swamp. It’s supposed to be quite amusing to watch them play, if you can find stable ground…

Puckett: Now, there’s an idea! Cody, if you could build a stable stadium there, people would flock from all over the world to watch swamp soccer!

Bolin: I suppose that could work…but there’s still the issue of currency. All ticket charges would be in “totally inflated” yen, so it wouldn’t be very profitable.

Ruffin: Isn’t Abysmalistan supposed to be Rejistanian-controlled? I’d imagine we could charge for admission in lil’kansu’ny, if we had a currency converter nearby.

Puckett: And, as we all know, it’s easy to convert the TIY fast enough to not lose money. You want to charge an extra 100% for the service?

Ruffin: Yes, but it doesn’t have to be obvious—as I understand it, Abysmalis are terrible at math, and certainly wouldn’t know what the exchange rate was!

Sheppard: Then it’s settled. Mr. Bolin, your organization will be building a new stadium at The Swamp, cost to be deducted from your next contribution to the CDA. We’ll collectively be managing the stadium and funding the Abysmali team. Unless there are any further suggestions, this meeting is adjourned.

In the Oliverrian Soccer Association President's office...

Jacques Savoie(Prez for the other times): You know why I wanted to talk to you Tony?

Coach Lafleur: Why would I know?

Prez: Well, because you're the coach of the Oliverrian selection...

Coach Lafleur: Then... Why did you want to talk to me?

Prez: Well, did you chose the 15 players that will compose the formation?

Coach Lafleur: Well... Not really. We are missing 5 players now

Prez: I know soccer isn't popular here... But it is enough to have 15 people playing...

Coach Lafleur: Well, we'll have to find U21 players. Don't wonder why they
didn't participate in U21 world-cup. I wanted some of them and I will have. 5 Junior players will come to complete the roster. I just have to contact them. They will be happy to be in the national team. And after, we will organize the press conference to announce the team...

Prez: We don't have enough time. Why didn't you announce the roster a week ago? You didn't have time?

Coach Lafleur: No! I was talking to Marshalliston Stadium's owner. You know how he is right? He is not the guy that will rent this stadium to everybody. So, I had to negociate with him the price and how many games we'll be playing... even if I don't know how many we'll play there. So, when the...

Prez: Let me charge of this... You, go train your players, they have to be ready for the big competition.

SOLE guy #1: "It's a pain that we have to call all the seperate FAs of all the World Cup enterants, just to check they're still playing. That's Nova Brittanicus in, who's next."

SOLE guy #2: "Er, Totally Useless Liars, sir."

SOLE guy #1: "You got the number there?"

SOLE guy #2: "Uhuh."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Meanwhile, at the Totally Useless Liars Soccer Association (TULSA) are discussing their entry into World Cup 22. Unfortunately, their Spaamanian secretary is only on her first day, and is having a few communications problems...

TULSA guy: "I suppose you should do. You've been here for three years now, so you know what to do."

Secretary: "Er... I've only been here..." *phone rings* "Sorry... Hello...

SOLE guy #1: "Hello, is that TULSA?"

Secretary: "Yes, it is."

SOLE guy #1: "We want to know if the... the "TULSA guy" is there please?"

Secretary: "They want to know if you're here."

TULSA guy: "Of course I'm not."

Secretary: "No, he's not here right now..."

SOLE Guy #1: "Oh, well if you see him, tell him I called. I'll try and catch him later."

Secretary: "OK, thank you."

TULSA guy: "Why'd you hang up?"

Secretary: "Because he wanted to speak to you, and you said you weren't here."

TULSA guy: "Well who was it?"

Secretary: "Someone from the SOLE hosting committee. Says he'll catch you later."

TULSA guy: "I don't want that phone now!"

*He snatches the phone from her hand and dials the last received call number button type thing.*

TULSA guy: "Is that the guy from the hosting committee there?"

SOLE guy #1: "It is."

TULSA guy: "Damn. What did you ring for?"

SOLE guy #1: "We just wanted you to confirm your place in the World Cup. Only we have a small waiting list, so we want to check on everyone to see if they still want to take part. So do you?"

TULSA guy: "No, no, we don't want our place."

SOLE guy #1: "Oh, OK. Well, can we give it to somebody else then?"

TULSA guy: "You most certainly can!"

SOLE guy #1: "Well, that's awful nice of you. Thanks. Bye!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SOLE guy #1: "The guy said they didn't want to play anymore."

SOLE guy #2: "Oh. Well we'll cross them off the list then. Liamist States next..."

The Audioslavian is Responsible for the Post World War 1 Economic Depression

AP - The dirty Audioslavians took all of our money and spent it on CDs by a Creed-like band, instead of helping our economy. They hate freedom and the world. They must be punished.

The Audioslavian hates your good moral values. He scoffs at your idea of family. The Audioslavian is promiscuous and is of an unpure race. The Audioslavian works on the sabbath. He openly eats cloven-hoofed animals. He laughs at your beliefs. The Audioslavian hates being economically sound and loves depressions. The Audioslavian killed Jimmy Hoffa, OJ's wife, and Sonny Bono. The Audioslavian invaded the Alamo, bombed Pearl Harbor, and crashed the Hindenburg. The Audioslavian is a fan of Michael Moore. The Audioslavian hates firemen, puppies, small children, and kittens. The Audioslavian eats dead babies and bites the heads off of household pets. He mocks your advanced system of government and much prefers a dictatorship. The Audioslavian hates the freedoms you enjoy everyday.

So let me ask you, do you want the Audioslavian to be mocking our fine country after all they've done to us? Down with the Audioslavians! Rid of them all!

(from the Fanatical Times)

GANN Sports Desk: ~ Yes you heard it right, and even 'we' are bewildered at the timing of the event.

A simple training match between the 'fully' healthy Seraphim team, and the U21 team at the neutral field of Marble Stadium today, had to be cancelled due to a sudden batchtall challenge by Snow Eagle Forces, a single trinaries apparently, against the local garrison of only one trinary.

The battle that ensued, caused good damage to the local urban area, as the Eagles decided to use live fire to test the local garrison, as they tried to possess a shipment of mechs from the nearby CAG Factory complex there. Accuracy was about the only thing that kempt any deaths, as well as powerful shields in the urban area. Even so, the damage to the arena was decent enough to hold up the match to be played next week.

The Eagles managed to capture about two mech stars, 10 mechs total, but were pushed back by the CAG garrison forces, back to the drop zone and back to Hilton Head where they Jumped from.

"Goddam, I heard about the Absorption thing, even saw all the news clips after the fact..

...but when you see it for real, all that firepower being stitched across at each other.

Man, I sure suddenly feel what the Council feels about it all. I don't envy them." ..said a jittered Coach Kerensky, speaking for both national teams as well.

"How 'bout that Champions League," Lord Van Honjiik said, "really exciting, eh? I was watching it on the Moleland satellite feed last night, some brilliant teams have made it through to the next round."

The players in the conference room looked around and grumbled. Thanh Madray and Darius Belizaire looked particularly annoyed.

"Well," the Minister for Sport said, gesturing for Nikola Lazerevski to set up the video projector, "I've been watching it, and I must say its the best Champions' League in years."

Raised eyebrows and muttered grumblings were the only response promoted by that statement.

"And in that vein," the Minister continued, oblivious to the players, "I've come up with some devastatingly-effective plays to demolish the opposition. I've paid close attention to the wonderful teams from Gaian Ascendancy and Chicanada in particular, we could do well to emulate their style of play..."

"That's it, I've had enough," Darius Belizaire said, standing up with such force that his chair crashed over onto its back, "I'm not staying here to listen to this man a moment longer."

Lord Van Honjiik was stunned by such insolence, while Nikola looked on with quiet interest. Darius stood alone and defiant in the centre of the room.

"Who's coming with me to go and do some proper training?" Darius asked.

Thanh Madray, his Iskara Daii teammate, stood beside him. Then Marco Del Blanco got to his feet. The tall frames of Valentinno Caltabiano, Gavin Thornley and Martin Watt soon followed.

"What do you think you're doing?" Lord Van Honjiik exclaimed, "Sit down at once! I'm the Manager!"

"Guv," Khim Azanulbizarn, the dwarven team Captain said, "we don't rightly care. C'mon, lads."

The entire twenty-three man squad walked out of the room. Khim lagged behind, the last through the door. He popped his head back round.

"Nik," he said, "we'll be warming up on the training pitch, come down and join us on a run, if you like."

With that the brown-beared Dwarf disappeared and all that was heard was laughing and joking through the open door. Slowly it closed and the noises were muffled. Nikola "Laser" Lazaerevski looked over at the Minister for Sport and Double-Posts. Lord Rikaard Van Honjiik looked back. Nikola turned his back and left the room.

Standing alone in the conference room. the video was still playing. Rikaard turned to watch it and sat back down on the desk. A Chicanadan player came down the wing with the ball, the Molelish Linesman failing to notice it went off the pitch. Twice. He then crossed infield where the striker, who was offside, fouled the nearest defender and mis-kicked the ball. it flew up, hit his hand and deflected onto the crossbar, completely wrong-footing the 'keeper. The ball came back down and clearly hit the goalline, bouncing clear. The Molelish referee immediately pointed to the centre circle as the Chicanadans whirled away in celebration.

"Beautiful goal." Rikaard whispered to himself.

The Audioslavian hates your good moral values. He scoffs at your idea of family. The Audioslavian is promiscuous and is of an unpure race. The Audioslavian works on the sabbath. He openly eats cloven-hoofed animals. He laughs at your beliefs. The Audioslavian hates being economically sound and loves depressions. The Audioslavian killed Jimmy Hoffa, OJ's wife, and Sonny Bono. The Audioslavian invaded the Alamo, bombed Pearl Harbor, and crashed the Hindenburg. The Audioslavian is a fan of Michael Moore. The Audioslavian hates firemen, puppies, small children, and kittens. The Audioslavian eats dead babies and bites the heads off of household pets. He mocks your advanced system of government and much prefers a dictatorship. The Audioslavian hates the freedoms you enjoy everyday.


Audioslavian Foreign-Affairs-Dude-Without-Portfolio, Old Joe Slarvya, says: "Yes, and?"

The dirty Audioslavians took all of our money and spent it on CDs by a Creed-like band,

OJS: "LIBELOUS WHORE! KILL THE INFIDEL WHO WROTE THIS FILTH! ALLAH WILL BE AVENGED! CHAAAARRRGEE!"

Old Joe Slarvya's boss, the Foreign-Affairs-Dude-With-His-Portfolio-And-The-One-He-Nicked-Off-Of-Joe (FADWHPATOHNOOJ), gives a more detailed account of the Kingsforder dude's libelous accusations:

"The Audioslavian hates your good moral values."
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: When 'moral values' include changing your football team's kit every four years, including once to include a bumble-bee design on the sleeve, then yes, we do hate them...
"He scoffs at your idea of family."
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: Slightly grammatically incorrect here. The more canabalistic of us (i.e. the ones on the borders of Lemmitania and Gilmeecia) would change the words around to mean "He ideally scoffs your family"

"The Audioslavian is promiscuous and is of an unpure race."
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: "Promiscuous no, but the sex i had with your mother last night makes me pretty darn unpure"

"The Audioslavian works on the sabbath."
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: "Only the guy who re-masters all of Ozzy Osborne's old albums does that"

"He openly eats cloven-hoofed animals."
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: "This is true in most cases, but i-cant-believe-its-not-buttered-hoofed animals are catching on fast"

"He laughs at your beliefs."
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: "BWAHAHAHA!"

"The Audioslavian hates being economically sound and loves depressions."
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: "Both true, in fact we've taken to killing two birds with one stone by simply buying lots of over-priced Morrisey albums

"The Audioslavian killed Jimmy Hoffa, OJ's wife, and Sonny Bono.
No he didn't, it was a black guy (thats the excuse he used for OJ's wife anyway)[/i]

"The Audioslavian invaded the Alamo, bombed Pearl Harbor, and crashed the Hindenburg."
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: "Untrue. We bombed the Hindenburg, crashed the Alamo, and invaded Pear Harbour. The latter operation ended up with seven thousand troops drowning in the pacific."

The Audioslavian is a fan of Michael Moore.
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: "Untrue again, we'd rather listen to the thoughts of Mandy Moore than a poor-man's Bill Hicks. Theres so much un-truth in your statement that i'm beginning to believe YOU ARE Michael Moore"

The Audioslavian hates firemen, puppies, small children, and kittens.
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: "We don't hate them individually, we hate them collectively. Damn small puppes putting out fires with kitten-feces.

The Audioslavian eats dead babies and bites the heads off of household pets.
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: "Again, you have it mixed up. We eat pet's houses and bite the dead bits off of headless babies."

He mocks your advanced system of government and much prefers a dictatorship.
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: Almost right. We actually mock your advanced system of pringles and much prefer a dorito.

The Audioslavian hates the freedoms you enjoy everyday.
FADWHPATOHNOOJ: True, i hate freedoms, I prefer the popadoms that are 49p with every pack of doritos

SOLE guy #1: "It's a pain that we have to call all the seperate FAs of all the World Cup enterants, just to check they're still playing

...

TULSA guy: "No, no, we don't want our place."

SOLE guy #1: "Oh, OK. Well, can we give it to somebody else then?"

TULSA guy: "You most certainly can!"
The Bureaucratic Tribune

Oglethorpian himulation to come a Cup earlier

MEGALOPOLIS CITY (BT) - In an unprecendented stroke of luck, the Theocracy of Totally Useless Liars withdrew from World Cup 22 allowing Oglethorpia to participate. What many Oglethorpians felt they would be watching, they would now be competing in.

Of course, it wasn't without logistical chaos. The Oglethorpian Association of Football, moving like molasses doing its usual bureaucratic thing was suddenly forced to scrounge together a starting eleven and name a new manager/coach/guy.

"WE'RE IN THE CUP!" exclaimed OAF President Joe Staplin. "Guess they're [Totally Useless Liars] not so useless after all. Haha, anyone hear that? That was funny. They should put that in the paper. But not this last part."

Despite now having a squad (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8690275&postcount=37) set for World Cup 22 after much confusion, all it signifies to many is earlier onset of the return and sure defeat of the Oglethorpian team (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8690275&postcount=37). "I keep saying baby steps (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8677322&postcount=53) , dammit," said Staplin. "But people are still moanin'. IT'LL GET BETTER! I PROMISE."

Oh, Kingsford still is our neighbor

STEERFORD (BT) - Weeks ago geogolists concluded that the present location of Stanigramistan, due to its coal deposits, MUST have been the former location of "ex"-neighbor Kingsford (http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/12959/page=display_nation/nation=kingsford).

Turns out Kingsford is still around, to the northeast of Oglethorpia in the Plain Flat Plains (http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/12959/page=display_region) region.

"Our bad," commented the ex-geologists now stripped of their titles.