NationStates Jolt Archive

Statement issued from the Green Tile Palace, New Wing, Third Floor, Huolt, Royal City of Arpwat,
Office of Misinformation, Confusion, And Press Releases.

His Benevolent Malevolence, His Grace, Jacob, The Grand Duke of Arpwat, announces the emergence of his state from the depths of the foggy vapors of oblivion and obscurity.
The Grand Duke wishes it to be known that His nation's rating as Corrupt Dictatorship totally lacking in personal freedoms is a filthy lie. Arpwat's people may be cynical and hard-nosed, but they are happy hard-boiled cynics.
The Office of Suppression, Division of Repression and Policing believes that all of Arpwat's unhappy cynics have been executed.
The Grand Ducal House of Omet has ruled Arpwat since time immemorial. The Grand Dukes were once Kings of Arpwat, but according to the Office of History, Division of Ancient Records, the reason for the demotion has been forgotten.
It is Arpwat's intention to be a shining beacon in the world, to be a rallying point for all those who wish to rid the world of the hideous scourge of goldfish and other piscine menaces.
The Grand Duke also objects to the characterization of His government as "a sprawling, bureaucracy-choked, corrupt morass." The Grand Duke believes that a well-run state must have organization and that the best way to have organization is to have specialists to handle specialized task. Therefore, Arpwat's government has no less than four hundred thirty-seven specialized offices, according to the Office of Enumeration, Division of Bureaucratic Counting.
The Grand Duke wishes to inform those who wish to exchange embassies that several thousand acres of prime real estate in the Royal City of Huolt have been allocated for embassy construction. The embassy neighborhood is located in scenic southern Huolt, convenient to the meat processing and Ducal prison district.
All requests for embassy exchange should be addressed to:

The Hon. James McSquiggle
First Assistant Director
Office of External Affairs
Division of International Embassies
Room 77-4412B
Grey Concrete Office Building #42
Royal City of Huolt
Arpwat, HUC 3Z2

Thank you.

OOC: Most interesting. I'll right up a proper reply when I have time.
That was quite well written.

"Piscine menaces? What the heck?" Satago Mrushi said, scratching his head in bewilderment. "From the office of Misinformation, Confusion, and Press Releases?"

"Just send them the bloody fruit basket." Satago's immediate superior barked. Her name was Circling Jade. Previously quite famous for hosting poker games in the Ministry of Foreign affairs office during working hours, Circling Jade had since decided to quit poker. Now she was playing a game of Go against the local pizza delivery girl, and losing badly.

Mrushi sighed. "But they're a corrupt dictatorship! Do you read the UN category! A Corrupt Dictatorship! At least the Omni-Psychotians are a good democratic state..."

Circling Jade placed another dark stone, falling nicely into her opponent's trap. While her opponent snatched up her pieces without her knowing, she explained, "Ah... what are they going to do... bite our tonsils out?"

"They might poision our goldfish." Mrushi suggested grimly. Circling Jade gave him a mean look with twin jade eyes, true to her name. At last he sighed, and proceded to pull up the typical diplomatic form.

The Feathered Commonwealth of Serpent Country extends peaceful greetings to the Grand Duchy of Arpwat. May we both prosper well in peace and harmony, and benefit in mutual exchange.

Enclosed is an attached pineapple basket in a cozy pink towel, as a gift to your government. Also attached is a plush-toy plumed serpent, the national animal of Serpent Country. This plush-toy represents the good will and peaceful intentions of Serpent Country.

Mrushi was glad Serpent Country hadn't chosen a halibut as its national animal.

With the permission of your leadership, we request that a small expedition from the Serpent Country Geographic Society be allowed to visit your country, so that we may learn more about you. Should you have a similar desire, we would be more than happy to provide transport for an equivalent team back to our Home Islands.

After a second of pondering, Mrushi added one line to the standard letter.

"In addition, the people of Serpent Country are quite curious as to exactly what piscine menaces your representatives are referring to."

FROM:
The Hon. James McSquiggle
First Assistant Director
Office of External Affairs
Division of International Embassies
Room 77-4412B
Grey Concrete Office Building #42
Royal City of Huolt
Arpwat, HUC 3Z2


TO: Circling Jade
Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Feathered Commonwealth of Serpent Country

His Benevolent Malevolence, His Grace, The Grand Duke Jacob of the Grand Duchy of Arpwat wishes to convey his most sincere appreciation for the pineapple basket, cozy pink towel, and lovely plush toy. The Grand Duke does certainly appreciate a good pineapple, and good towels are so hard to find these days. The plush toy filled the gap on the Green Tile Palace's second floor, new old new wing, third bedroom on the left's fireplace mantle very nicely.
We will be pleased to receive your Geographic society representatives. In the interest of avoiding an international incident, we wish to inform you of some of the basic laws of Arpwat.
1. All goldfish, koi, carp, tetras, Siamese fighting fish, betas, eels, and killifish are banned within the borders of the Grand Duchy. Possession of any of these Piscine menaces is punishable by death. The Grand Duke believes that such creatures cause corruption and unhappy cynicism.
2. Recreational pharmaceuticals are legal in the Grand Duchy, but possession and trading in them is strictly licensed by the Office of Heath, Division of Recreational Pharmaceuticals. Applications can be obtained from Room 1-0231F in the Grey Concrete Office Building #2. Possession or trade in such products without a permit is punishable by lengthy sentences in the Ducal prison.
3. Public displays of unhappy cynicism are forbidden except during Unhappy Hour, which is between 6:30 and 7:15 PM the second Tuesday of every month. Displays of happy cynicism are permitted at all times.
We would be most pleased to send a team from our Office of Geology, Division of Mapping to your country as well.
If your nation decides to exchange ambassadors, we will require that you inform this office of your building material of choice and a color for your embassy, and the Office of Construction, Division of Office Buildings, Subdivision of Embassies (colors) will begin work immediately.
Finally, we wish to emphasize that we take great exception to the UN's insulting characterization of our nation as a Corrupt Dictatorship with a sprawling, bureaucracy-choked, corrupt morass of government. Corruption has been outlawed within Arpwat for the past seven hundred years.
We also wish to announce that a combination Tourist's Guide and Investment Prospectus will be made available as soon as the Office of Misinformation, Confusion, And Press Releases, Division of Propaganda and Travel Guides, finishes writing it.
Thank you.

Ornithica wishes to clarify on your statements of the Piscine menace. Do you mean that any aquatic creature is part of the menace, or just fish?
Thank you for your Time.

Ornithica Military Affairs
Unit 7

From:
General Secretary of Foreign Relations
The Commissariat of International Affairs
Central Government Zone 2-B
Metropolis 1
Tribus Sarmatae

The Commonwealth of Tribus Sarmatae wish to extent the hand of friendship to the Grand Duchy of Arpwat, through an exchange of ambassadors. A site for your Embassy has been reserved in the International Zone of Metropolis 3. Embassy staff will be kept entirely safe through the well-meaning but nonetheless all-seeing activities of the Civil Guard. We wish to express our support for the suppression of dangerous Piscine elements in society, and our Civil Guard will do their utmost to suppress any moves towards ownership of the treacherous forms of aquatic life mentioned. The glorious leader has in his wisdom placed full backing behind the extension of the hand of friendship towards the long and illustrious lineage of the Grand Dukes of Arpwat, and we look forward to future prosperity and healthy relations between our two great nations.

FROM:
The Hon. James McSquiggle
First Assistant Director
Office of External Affairs
Division of International Embassies
Room 77-4412B
Grey Concrete Office Building #42
Royal City of Huolt
Arpwat, HUC 3Z2

TO:
Ornithica Military Affairs
Unit 7

Regarding the Piscine menace, according to the Office of Legal Affairs, Division of Improbable Law, only goldfish, koi, carp, tetras, Siamese fighting fish, betas, eels, and killifish are currently accounted as Piscine Menaces. All remaining aquatic life forms are not considered as Piscine menace at this time.
Thank you for your enquiry.

TO:
General Secretary of Foreign Relations
The Commissariat of International Affairs
Central Government Zone 2-B
Metropolis 1
Tribus Sarmatae

We are most pleased to hear that your nation is as committed to the annihilation of the insidious evil that is the Piscine Menace. We are pleased to take up the hand of friendship with your nation. We shall therefore dispatch the Right Hon. Clarence Alistair Wallace as our ambassador to Tribus Sarmatae. We have a small request that our embassy be faced with chartreuse stucco.
A plot has been reserved in the embassy district of the Royal City of Huolt for your mission. We request that you inform us of your color and choice of building material and a crack team from our Office of Construction, Division of Office Buildings, Subdivision of Embassies (colors) will begin construction immediately.
It is a momentous day when our two nations can join together in friendship and in common purpose, to defeat the creeping evil that is the Piscine Menace.