The Resi Corporation
01-04-2005, 09:20
CNN Headline News
In a shocking decision today, CEO Johnathan Tetragammaton of the Resi Corporation decided to abandon the corporation's multi-million dollar fashon industry in favor of a much more minimalistic approach to apperal.
"From now on, anyone caught with so much as a sock or a mitten on any part of their body will be instantly executed!" the Tetragammaton decreed, dressed in only his loose-fitting birthday suit, flabby enough to cover any lower extremities. The manditory nudity policies have forced fashon tycoons to torch their once active factories, leaving piles of ashes to greet those who have lost their jobs.
When asked why he took this course of action, CEO Tetragammaton replied only that, "Once winter comes along, the homeless problems we've been having will be completely solved. No more soup kitchens, no more welfare, no more unemployment, and we can even teach our kids to make snowmen around the frozen bums so as to lessen the eyesore value. As for making up our fashon losses, we've figured out the perfect solution: branding. Someone gives us a few thousand dollars, and we whip out a white-hot branding iron and stamp our logo all over their face, arm, back, ass, whereever they desire it. It's what we were doing with clothing anyway, I don't see why it's so wrong."
Upon our reporter pointing out that the Resi Corporation never had any welfare, unemployment, or soup kitchens to begin with, the CEO simply responded:
"LOOK! He's wearing clothes! KEEEEELL HEEEEEEEEEM!!!"
In a shocking decision today, CEO Johnathan Tetragammaton of the Resi Corporation decided to abandon the corporation's multi-million dollar fashon industry in favor of a much more minimalistic approach to apperal.
"From now on, anyone caught with so much as a sock or a mitten on any part of their body will be instantly executed!" the Tetragammaton decreed, dressed in only his loose-fitting birthday suit, flabby enough to cover any lower extremities. The manditory nudity policies have forced fashon tycoons to torch their once active factories, leaving piles of ashes to greet those who have lost their jobs.
When asked why he took this course of action, CEO Tetragammaton replied only that, "Once winter comes along, the homeless problems we've been having will be completely solved. No more soup kitchens, no more welfare, no more unemployment, and we can even teach our kids to make snowmen around the frozen bums so as to lessen the eyesore value. As for making up our fashon losses, we've figured out the perfect solution: branding. Someone gives us a few thousand dollars, and we whip out a white-hot branding iron and stamp our logo all over their face, arm, back, ass, whereever they desire it. It's what we were doing with clothing anyway, I don't see why it's so wrong."
Upon our reporter pointing out that the Resi Corporation never had any welfare, unemployment, or soup kitchens to begin with, the CEO simply responded:
"LOOK! He's wearing clothes! KEEEEELL HEEEEEEEEEM!!!"