NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC: I had a comical thought. What if one were to wage war with a serious twist. Weapons as we know them, are gone. No reason, just gone. All you've got left is food to throw at the other armies. Particularly pizza stuff. Anyone in? Limited to 1 person (1 nation) besides myself. This is to be as comical as possible. Only weapons specially modified to fire food ingredients/whatever may be used (ie: machine gun firing sausage bits)

Also, this is a mock war, but done with real-war elements. In other words, this war never existed in reality, so international relations are not strained in any way.

IC:

Rapid footsteps can be heard echoing through the halls of the castle. They charged through the double doors and stopped before the desk of Andrew Newton. The man looked up and raised an eyebrow.

"Dimitri...what's going on? Why are you panting like a dog?"

"Sir...we just got the annual report from Stats."

"What report exactly are you talking about? You know that office comes up with about fifty reports a year..."

The man lowered his hands to his knees and looked up, still huffing, "The...*wheeze*...report on national defense, sir."

"And what does it say?" Newton asked, starting to get a bit impatient.

"Defense...is gone sir."

Newton stood abruptly and glared at the man, "Boris, Don't you make such a comment like that again, or I swear you'll lose your job! Security and defense of Tarlachia is one of its greatest priorities, you know that!"

Boris straightened and licked his lips, "Sir...I'm not joking..." He handed Newton the report, a single piece of paper, a far cry from the usual fifty to sixty pages often supporting any report. Newton read the single paragraph of text aloud,

"It is with great disturbance that the entire arsenal and defense of Tarlachia has completely and utterly disappeared from the nation. Extensive searches for them has gone unsuccessful. In an effort to find a solution to this, the Department of Interior suggests the government to make use of the recent surge in the pizza sector."

Boris blinked rapidly and gulped, "What do you want to do sir?"

Newton read the text silently over and over again, not believing the words. He looked up at Boris and growled, "Is this some kind of joke?!"

"No sir..." Boris replied.

Newton turned and looked at the map of Tarlachia that hung on the wall behind him. He could be heard muttering to himself, "Pizza...where the hell did all the weapons go?"

He turned back to Boris, "Round up the pizza boys."

"Hi, thanks for calling Papa Rob's, this is Jimmy, how may I help you?"

"Let me talk to your boss."

"I'm sorry? Uh...the manager's busy right now."

"It's a matter of national emergency."

Phones are ringing constantly in the background at the pizza store. Voices can be heard as the employees are conversing amongst themselves of the local gossip, mixed with talk of the orders being made.

"Sure it is...what is it? Your boss got anchovies with the sausage?"

"Kid, I swear if you don't put your manager on right now, I'm going to personally come down there and shove those anchovies up someplace special."

The kid known as Jimmy sniffled and scratched at his acne-pitted chin and hit the hold button with the other hand.

"God, I hate those freakin' rude customers... Hey John! Phone! Line two!"

Minutes later, the manager approached and answered the phone. He listened to the man on the other end with rapt attention, then replied,

"I'll have to let the owner know this. Mhmmm...right...have a good one."

He hung up and dialed the owner's phone number. "Hey, it's John. We've got a strange request from the government..."

A few minutes later, he hung up and yelled out, "Finish all the orders we've got for now. After that, store is closed!"

A cheer rose from the employees.

"One more thing...Everyone with a car...get as much food and supplies as you can and meet me out back..."

A scattered response was given, "Boss? What the hell?"

"Just do it!" John demanded, a strange look in his eyes.
_____________________________________

Twelve hours later...

General Santos, a five star general looked out the window and surveyed the thousands of cars that lined the military base neatly. He could see twice as many people milling about, conversing to themselves about the situation.

"That's all the pizza boys?" he asked, watching as more cars arrived in the distance.

"Just about sir. Reports coming in of nearly a hundred thousand pizza employees, representing two hundred different pizza franchises and operations. We've got managers, in-store employees and drivers all mixed in that lot there."

"I see. And they are experts in the business?"

"Sir, we grabbed everyone ever employed in the business..."

"Right. Well...let's start placing the orders..." the General stated with a half smile.