Felonious Elves
02-03-2005, 17:17
The following is a letter written by the elected Grand Marshal of the Fiefdom of Felonious Elves, one "Honest Pete" Huckleberry. It was sent to residents of nations that are allowed to read. Posted via bulk mail and can be found between your local grocery store flyer and the newest "Victoria's Secret" catalogue.
Dear Friends,
There are probably many of you that are considering taking a holiday. There may be even more that deserve a holiday because your bones are being ground to make the bread that feeds the evil empire in which you live. Have you considered visiting the Fiefdom of Felonious Elves?
I know some of you, in societies that allow media, have seen several misleading newscasts on our little kingdom. Let me set the record straight: The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves is not a hotbed of crime and vice major news networks would have you believe. Here are some facts you can trust from “Honest Pete.”
The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves is only third highest in the number of stolen babies per year. That means there are two other nations with more babies being stolen from their mothers’ arms at knife point.
The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves is not full of depressing slums. Our housing projects are made completely out of toadstools and gingerbread. They are so cute with their candy cane brothels and meth labs in giant shoes. Forget poverty folks, they’re all about frivolity! They can hardly be considered “depressing.” I can say we have the jolliest slums in the entire world.
The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves makes lasting memories. Everyday a letter crosses my desk from foreign visitors that go on and on about their visit here. One man told me about falling in love with a mysterious woman and waking up without his left kidney. What a great story to tell at parties!
A woman told me about a fabulous party she attended, where she drank a lot of gumdrop juice and met lots of nice people. The next day she woke up naked and she later found herself on the cover of a video entitled “Elf-Crazed Cuties.” What a great souvenir!
Another man told me how he lost a lot of money betting on the snail races and was almost fed to our national animal: the liger! That sounds like a lot of fun!
I hope you will visit us. We have lots to see and do here in the Fiefdom of Felonious Elves.
If you’re into history, you can visit the scene of the St. Patrick’s Day Massacre! That’s where four leprechauns were shot over 100 times during the Prohibition of Gumdrops. Our you can visit the Buzzlebum Hall. That’s a moment to our founding father Wiggles Buzzlebum. You see all the meathooks he used to hang stinches on.
Learning about history is fun, but there’s even more to do in the Fiefdom of Felonious Elves. You can visit our world famous cookie and toy factories. The children working there sure are cute and their little hands make some of the best cookies around. Make sure you try some!
There is so much to do in the Fiefdom of Felonious Elves, that I just can’t fit it all in. Make your plans to visit us real soon!
Love and Lolipops,
“Honest Pete” Huckleberry
Elected Grand Marshal
The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves
Dear Friends,
There are probably many of you that are considering taking a holiday. There may be even more that deserve a holiday because your bones are being ground to make the bread that feeds the evil empire in which you live. Have you considered visiting the Fiefdom of Felonious Elves?
I know some of you, in societies that allow media, have seen several misleading newscasts on our little kingdom. Let me set the record straight: The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves is not a hotbed of crime and vice major news networks would have you believe. Here are some facts you can trust from “Honest Pete.”
The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves is only third highest in the number of stolen babies per year. That means there are two other nations with more babies being stolen from their mothers’ arms at knife point.
The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves is not full of depressing slums. Our housing projects are made completely out of toadstools and gingerbread. They are so cute with their candy cane brothels and meth labs in giant shoes. Forget poverty folks, they’re all about frivolity! They can hardly be considered “depressing.” I can say we have the jolliest slums in the entire world.
The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves makes lasting memories. Everyday a letter crosses my desk from foreign visitors that go on and on about their visit here. One man told me about falling in love with a mysterious woman and waking up without his left kidney. What a great story to tell at parties!
A woman told me about a fabulous party she attended, where she drank a lot of gumdrop juice and met lots of nice people. The next day she woke up naked and she later found herself on the cover of a video entitled “Elf-Crazed Cuties.” What a great souvenir!
Another man told me how he lost a lot of money betting on the snail races and was almost fed to our national animal: the liger! That sounds like a lot of fun!
I hope you will visit us. We have lots to see and do here in the Fiefdom of Felonious Elves.
If you’re into history, you can visit the scene of the St. Patrick’s Day Massacre! That’s where four leprechauns were shot over 100 times during the Prohibition of Gumdrops. Our you can visit the Buzzlebum Hall. That’s a moment to our founding father Wiggles Buzzlebum. You see all the meathooks he used to hang stinches on.
Learning about history is fun, but there’s even more to do in the Fiefdom of Felonious Elves. You can visit our world famous cookie and toy factories. The children working there sure are cute and their little hands make some of the best cookies around. Make sure you try some!
There is so much to do in the Fiefdom of Felonious Elves, that I just can’t fit it all in. Make your plans to visit us real soon!
Love and Lolipops,
“Honest Pete” Huckleberry
Elected Grand Marshal
The Fiefdom of Felonious Elves