NationStates Jolt Archive

Dis is Richard Gilmartin wit’ Gino Delucia for the Pastafarian Radio Network, mon. Welcome to today’s programme. At de top of de headlines, it’s the death penalty an’ also de atrocious turnout in our mos’ recent elections. An’ also a report on tensions between East an’ West Pastafaria over de semolina import tariffs. So we got plenny to talk about today, mon.

Gino: A full programa today, Richard. First, we a-gonna deal with the death penalty.

Richard: Indeed we are, mon. It be a tough new law, approved by national referendum. A lot of people, dey don’t like it.

Gino: Then why they vote for it? Eh?

Richard: A lotta people di’n’t vote, mon. That’s the second thing we gonna talk about.

Gino: Well, if they don’t a-vote, they can’t a-complain.

Richard: Sure, sure. But the death penalty, it was voted in. So now we got it.

Gino: We got it. Hooray. So who we gonna kill?

Richard: That’s exactly de topic we gonna discuss, mon. Considerin’ about the only law in Pastafaria is “Smoke what thou wilt,” what exac’ly we gonna execute somebody for?

Gino: I dunno. We gotta come up with something.

Richard: Somebody gotta come up wit’ something. What the point is of having a death penalty if you don’t got no capital crimes, huh?

Gino: Exactly, exactly. Just what I been a-saying.

Richard: Pretty much the only laws we got in this country govern de corporate behaviour, you know, mon? An’ you can’t execute a corporation.

Gino: You could a-kill everybody in the corporation.

Richard: Well, dat’s a little drastic, don’t you tink?

Gino: Look, we gotta death penalty now, we gotta use it for something, don’t we?

Richard: But you can’t hold every person what works for a corporation responsible if de company breaks some law.

Gino: Why not?

Richard: ‘Cause it’s ridiculous, mon.

Gino: Well, that’s a matter-a opinion.

Richard: Anyhow, mon, jus’ because the death penalty passed don’t mean we have to use it. There’s no obligation to start executin’ people.

Gino: Seems stupid to me to have a death penalty and let it just go to waste.

Richard: Then the sensible ting to do would be to make some new laws about stuff you can’t do.

Gino: Invent some capital crimes, eh?

Richard: Yes.

Gino: You got-a any good ideas?

Richard: Umm...

Gino: Hmm.

Richard: How ‘bout if you got executed if you, um...

Gino: Hmm.

Richard: Maybe... um.

Gino: You know, I can’t a-think of a single thing, Richard.

Richard: Me neither. What for you’d wanna go an do a silly ting like execute somebody for?

Gino: Maybe if somebody smoked all-a your semolina?

Richard: Wit’out asking, you mean?

Gino: Yeah, without askin’.

Richard: Well, dat would make me plenty mad, Gino.

Gino: Plenty mad.

Richard: But it ain’t illegal, though. I mean, “Smoke what thou wilt.” Dere ain’t no prohibition against smokin’ me semolina wit’out asking, is dere?

Gino: Common courtesy, maybe. But nothing a-codified into law.

Richard: We could make it a law.

Gino: What, you mean you and-a me?

Richard: No, not us. But somebody.

Gino: Who?

Richard: I dunno, mon. Who makes laws?

Gino: The Pope?

Richard: ...no, I don’t tink so.

Gino: Well, you got me, then. Maybe the policia make laws, eh?

Richard: No, I don’t tink de police make laws, either. They just enforce ‘em.

Gino: It’s an easy job, that.

Richard: Considerin’ the only law is--

Gino: “Smoke-a what you want.”

Richard: Sometimes maybe dey have to crack down on someone who ain’t smokin’ enough, but that’s about it.

Gino: I think we should look into this question-a who makes the laws, Richard. An’ revisit it next a-week.

Richard: Fair enough. So we’ll move on to the second topic, an’ that’s voter turnout. Let’s look at the numbers.

Gino: They’re pathetic. Look at those numbers.

Richard: Since we’re on radio, I’ll go ahead an’ read ‘em so our listeners’ll know just how exactly pathetic they be. In the referendum on the death penalty, it was four percent nationwide. In East Pastafaria, six percent. In West Pastafaria, t’ree percent.

Gino: That’s a-percentage of the entire population who voted?

Richard: No, that’s just the votin’-age population.

Gino: Pathetic. What’s the world a-comin’ to?

Richard: It got nothin’ to do wit de world, mon. It’s just Pastafaria.

Gino: They shouldn’t hold voting on a work day, I think. That’s-a the problem. Nobody can vote ‘cause they’re all too busy working.

Richard: It was a national votin’ holiday. Most every business was closed for the day.

Gino: What?! I had-a work that day!

Richard: Well, we broadcasters, we have to work pretty much every day.

Gino: Well, that’s a-why I didn’t vote. I was too busy working.

Richard: De hell you were, mon. You work for, like, two hours a day.

Gino: And after that, you expect me to go and-a vote?

Richard: I tink this may be the root of the problem.

Gino: Well, that’s just a-my excuse. What about the other seven million Pastafarians?

Richard: I have a t’eory.

Gino: Okay, a-lay it on me.

Richard: I tink makin’ voting day a national holiday is a mistake.

Gino: How do you mean?

Richard: What do you do on a holiday, mon?

Gino: I chill out an’ smoke-a ‘bout five-six buds of semolina.

Richard: Exactly.

Gino: Exactly.

Richard: Exactly.

Gino: Right... what were we talking about?

Richard: The reason nobody votes.

Gino: Oh, right... I got lost thinking about a fine semolina spliff. I could-a go for one right now,eh?

Richard: Well, if you light up, just make sure you be passin’ it around, right, mon?

Gino: ...

Richard: You roll ‘em big, don’t you, mon?

Gino: You know it.

Richard: ...

Gino: ...

Richard: That’s some fine whole-wheat ganja there.

Gino: You know it.

Richard: What is it, East P Brown?

Gino: Yep. Heh heh heh.

Richard: Hee hee.

Gino: We had-a ‘nother topic to discuss tonight, didn’t we?

Richard: Dat was... um... the tariffs.

Gino: Don’t get me a-started on the tariffs. Lousy bastards. you know what I had-a to pay to bring this Brown into West Pastafaria?

Richard: Nope.

Gino: Eight fusilira a centigram!

Richard: Wow.

Gino: ...

Richard: It was wort’ it, though, mon.

Gino: You know it.

Richard: I think that about wraps up today’s programme. Next time: um...

Gino: Next time we’ll talk about that thing we said.

Richard: Yeah. Good night, Pastafaria.

Welcome to Pastafaria Tonight wit’ your hosts, Gino Delucia and meself, Richard Gilmartin. On dis edition of the programme, we’ll be talking about crime and law. First, we will discuss the crime rate in Pastafaria: is it out of control? Or jus’ about right? And second, we’ll address a question left hanging on las’ week’s programme, namely, who be makin’ the laws in Pastafaria, anyway, mon?

Gino: Just-a what I’ve been a-wondering.

Richard: Yes. But first, de crime rate. Accordin’ to the United Nations, crime is a problem in Pastafaria. What you tink of that, Gino?

Gino: Horsefeathers.

Richard: Horsefeathers?

Gino: Horsefeathers.

Richard: What be horsefeathers, mon?

Gino: It’s like-a the bullshit.

Richard: Oh, oh, I see. So you don’t agree wit’ the U.N.?

Gino: On this, or you mean generally speaking?

Richard: On this.

Gino: No, I don’t-a ‘gree with ‘em.

Richard: You don’t see too much crime in Pastafaria, I have to agree.

Gino: How can you? “Smoke what-a you want” is the only law we got.

Richard: As we discussed at lengt’ last week, yes. But in doin’ some research for tonight’s programme, I did find out some inneresting tings, mon.

Gino: Yeah?

Richard: “Smoke what thou wilt be de whole of the law” only applies to individual persons, it turns out. There be a whole ‘nother set of laws what govern the corporate behaviour.

Gino: Right, right. I think-a we knew that.

Richard: Did we?

Gino: Remember, last week we talked about whether we could use the new death-a penalty to kill everybody who works at a malfeasant corporation.

Richard: I’m not sure where you’re goin’ with this, Gino.

Gino: Well, if we talk about corporations breaking the laws, then there must be some laws for ‘em to break, eh?

Richard: I tink we were only talkin’ symbolically, las’ week.

Gino: What are you a-talking about?

Richard: About the death penalty conversation last week!

Gino: If we said,”Why don’t we a-kill everybody at a corporation that breaks-a the law?”, don’t you think that implies there’s laws for corporations to break?

Richard: I have to tink about that one, mon.

Gino: Don’t you remember last a-week’s programme?

Richard: ...I have to admit, my short-term memory ain’t what it used to be.

Gino: Mine either.

Richard: Um...

Gino: Did we get off-topic?

Richard: I can’t remember the topic.

Gino: Lemme see the lead-in. Hmm, hmm, hmm, “...First, we will discuss the crime rate in Pastafaria: is it out of control?” That’s what we were a-talking about.

Richard: Oh, yeah.

Gino: You were sayin’ maybe it ain’t crimes by individual that are the problem, maybe it’s crimes by corporations. Is that right?

Richard: Oh, yeah. That was it.

Gino: Damn corporations. We should just a-kill ‘em all.

Richard: With the new death penalty?

Gino: That’s right.

Richard: Then there would hardly be anyone left in Pastafaria, mon.

Gino: True.

Richard: An’ who would manufacture stuff for us to buy?

Gino: Well, that’s-a good point, Richard.

Richard: I tink the inneresting question is, Just what crimes are corporations committing all de time to make the United Nations get all up in arms?

Gino: I dunno. What’s it illegal for corporations to do?

Richard: We’ll have to look into that an’ discuss it next week.

Gino: Good idea. That brings us to our second topic, eh?

Richard: Who makes de laws in Pastafaria? You know what the answer is, Gino?

Gino: No. I thought you were gonna research it.

Richard: Yeah, and I did.

Gino: So what are you askin’-a me for?

Richard: It was a rhetorical question, mon. It turns out laws are made by the-- lemme see if I can pronounce dis right-- “Par-lee-a-ment.”

Gino: Parleeament?

Richard: Yes.

Gino: What is it?

Richard: It’s the people what be makin’ the laws.

Gino: What laws?

Richard: The ones we got. The ones that govern corporate behaviour, apparently.

Gino: Huh.

Richard: Every few years, dere’s a national election, and people can choose who they want to have in de parleeament.

Gino: Who can?

Richard: Anybody can. Any adult citizen.

Gino: How?

Richard: They just have to vote, mon.

Gino: Vote? Wait-a minuto! You mean this parleeament, that makes laws, she’s a-chosen by people who vote?

Richard: That’s right.

Gino: What a scam!

Richard: How you mean?

Gino: I mean, lettin’ the voters choose the parleeament-- it ain’t right! If you’re gonna have a body that’s invested with the power to make-a the laws, it oughta be made up representationally to look after everybody’s best interests!

Richard: Yeah? So?

Gino: So lettin’ the people who vote pick the parleeament ain’t representational! Nobody votes!

Richard: Some people vote.

Gino: Who?

Richard: Accordin’ to the numbers we read las’ week, four percent voted in de las’ election.

Gino: It’s a scam! This is supposed to be a republic!

Richard: I tink a republic is defined as government of elected representatives.

Gino: So where are our representatives?

Richard: It’s this parleeament.

Gino: They ain’t representatives! How can they be representatives when only four percent of the population got to choose ‘em?

Richard: More than four percent could vote if they wanted to.

Gino: How you gonna vote, when elections are held on a work day?

Richard: They ain’t. Elections are held on votin’ holidays, mon.

Gino: That’s even worse!

Richard: For reason we discussed las’ week?

Gino: Exactly.

Richard: So you don’t plan to vote unless elections aren’t held on a work day or on a holiday.

Gino: That’s a-right.

Richard: Somebody should figure out a way to schedule that.

Gino: If they want to keep calling this a republic.

Richard: All right, well, that’s about all the time we have for the programme tonight. Tune in next week to here a discussion of what crimes corporations are committin’ left and right without our knowin’ it. And maybe more about this ‘parleeament’ business.

Gino: Thanks for listening. Good night, Pastafaria.