NationStates Jolt Archive

We here at Celackian state television are dedicated to brining you the finest in comedy. Therefore we have decided to create something cutting edge. A sitcom about the leaders of NATO. We are pleased to present to you the pilot episode for NATO, the sitcom, right now. Enjoy


Characters
Jim. F. Tuesat: Alcoholic, main character, who dispenses the cynical humour! (Celack)

Harold Garring: the voice of reason who also dispenses cynical humor (TIOR)

Peter Haymer: he just can't stop revealing Jonothanian secrets. And he's a bit of a drunk...(Jonothania)

Armadi Naxxar: ex-MPSA. Liable to sit in the corner muttering darkly and insulting everyone (Momanguise)

Craig Hill: Ex-Serial Killer secretly plans to kill everyone while they're sleeping and steal their money. (Teh Ninja)

Marcus Jones: a strange cross between a cynic and an idealist who has a habit of singing Rule, Britannia! When drunk, he tends to do this even more, and he like getting drunk. (DPUO)

Lord Oliver Thornbottom: Overdramatic drama queen. He takes everything really seriously. No sense of humor. (Hamptonshire)

Conan von Nandersnook III: The Dutch hippie who finds a friend in pot, gets into all kinds of crazy situations, personality much like Chong (Inkana)

Episode 1 = “Pontius Pilot”
Scene: A conference room. All main characters except for Craig and Conan are sitting around a table. Most are discussing something. Jim is passed out however. He wakes up

Jim: What are we talking about again?

Oliver: We are discussing the merits of tariff free trade of lawn furniture between NATO countries.

Jim: Riiiiiiiight. I think I’m going to have my aid Jack Daniels help me understand this.

Jim pulls out a briefcase marked “emergency supplies” and opens it. Strapped inside it are several bottles of liquor, some glasses and a martini shaker. Jim grabs the bottle of bourbon, twists off the top and chugs it.

Jim: Okay, I’m semi-drunk now. Run that by me again

Oliver: I said that we were discussing the merits of tariff free trade of lawn furniture between NATO. That was until you interrupted us.

Jim: So sorry bout interrupting.(sarcastically) I’m sure you were all enthralled by it

Oliver: We were. You broke our concentration.

Jim: Ah. Oh well. I suggest we change topics to science. I have something to present. (points to Oliver) THE MAN WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOUR! HE IS IMMUNE TO SARCASM! SCIENTIFIC MYSTERY!

Oliver: That is blatantly offens-

Jim: WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THE MYSTERY OF SCIENCE?

Oliver: How dare you interru-

Harold: Dissect him and see if we can find his incredibly tiny brain?

Marcus: If he has one does that mean he’s a Fabus?

Oliver: STOP! I WILL NOT HAVE YOU….YOU….YOU CRETINS MOCK ME!

Jim: Spoilsport.

Jim pulls out some bottles of Kailua, Bailey’s, vodka, all of the glasses and the shaker

Jim: I’m making mudslides. Who wants one?

Armadi: (muttering) You want a mudslide you waste of air? How bout I lock you idiotic excuse for a human in a room and pour through the roof on your hideously ugly head until you drown and remove your faulty genes from the gene pool.

Jim: Armadi did you say something?

Armadi:Uhhhh, I said that…. I would like one please…yeah that’s it.

Jim: OOOOOkay then.


End of Scene 1.

Scene 2.

Hours later


Several empty glasses cover the table along with all of the bottles of booze, which are empty as well. Armadi and Harold are passed out while Marcus is on the table singing

Marcus: Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves. We will never,never,never never be…..um never,never,never, never be ……uh?

Oliver: Brave?

Marcus: Right. We will never,never,never never be brave.

Jim: No you moronsh, that the French vershion!

Peter: Did I ever tell you about the time my government tried to have Dreadfire assassinated?

Oliver: Look at yourselves and you will see the evils of the drink! It makes you make a fool of yourself, or slur your words, or reveal deep dark secrets. That is why I never drink!

Jim: That’sh right! You didn’t have anything. I think I shtill have a bottle or two of vodka left. *Hic

Everyone who is conscious and not sober jumps Oliver. Jim opens a bottle of Vodka

End of Scene two

Scene Three

everyone who was at the conference is lying around in a wooded area. Harold is draped over a tree branch some 10 feet in the air but the others are on the ground. Jim is the first to wake. He is wearing a Speedo, a yellow rain jacket that is several sizes too small for him and a pink woman’s hat with blue ribbons and a blue fake flower. He has a briefcase handcuffed to his arm. He looks at himself and then at everyone else.

Jim: Oh shit. What did we do last night?

End of Episode 1!



NATO, the sitcom. Every Friday night at 9PM on Celackian State Television.

*Huge amount of applause*

That was superb, briliant. I cant wait until the next episode - do you do Guest Appearances? :p

Possibly. We have a long list of NATO members who have characters which they want as guest stars. I'll see what I can do.

Why, thank-you very much. Love the sitcom idea anyway. Wonder if i could write a drama. *shakes head* probabaly not, I suck at writing scripts...

yey, get a tap dancing hitlers and the chorus,
roll up roll up be prepared for the worst,
the ugliest man in the Uuuunnniiiiiiiiiiiverse
into the next episode

Bwahahaha, can't wait to see what you have my character do.

((OOC: Tag))

Trailing
Autonomous
Guilders

(And OOC: Am I considered a NATO member? I was one before, but that was back when Haraki and Ruhr still existed...)
(Edit: This is Tiburon, sorry...)

What happened to this?

Writers block. Episode two is being worked on right now though.

Episode two- Wait you’re still writing for this?

Scene 1
everyone is starting to wake up. There are assorted groans and moans from the group due to the hangover

Oliver: You fools. You forced me to get drunk and then-

Jim: Wait a minute. Forced you? You were quite willing to drink it on your own accord. You even snatched the bottle of vodka from my hands. I only poured a little bit into your mouth.

Oliver: It was enough to get me drunk!

Jim: It was water. It was a joke bottle that I carry around. I was pulling a fast one on you.

Oliver: Well I don’t think we can trust the memory of a man when’s he’s inebriated.

Jim: I’ll have you know that I have a perfect memory when I’m drunk.

Oliver: Really? Prove it?

Jim: I remember the Llama incident quite well.

Harold: Oh God! The Llama incident. I have pictures of that actually.

Jim: You have pictures? Can I get some?

Armadi: What is the Llama incident? (mutters) did it involve your mother because she’s a real animal, you sick bastard. I hope the Llama tried to gore you the death and do the world a favour. If it did it would the best thing any living thing has every done. You’re a waste of sperm.

Jim: what was that last bit Armadi? You kinda started muttering after the question.

Armadi: Oh nothing (mutters} Shithead

Jim: Riiiiiiight. Anyways remember the conference we had last month in Celack? Well while the rest of you were sleeping, I and Harold were pub crawling. Somehow we ended up at the zoo. We were looking at the Lamas when I got the bright idea of having Olli over there wake up with a Llama in his room. We managed to get the Llama out of the zoo and into his hotel room. That’s when things got interesting. Olli woke up, got out of bed and started yelling at us. He then tripped and fell, ass up in the air, in front of us.

Harold: Now let me just say this. We had no clue that the Llama we grabbed was in heat.
everyone who was listening except for Oliver, obviously, burst into laughter. Then all stop and moan because of the hangovers.

Oliver: So? Harold probably showed told you about it after the fact. You have no proof that you remember the events of that evening.

Jim: Your room was #172 and the combo of the door was 5084. You sleep with a white teddy with a brown circle over one eye who wears a cowboy suit and a matching hat.

Oliver: How did you know about Mr. Billingsworth?

Jim: I told you I have a perfect memory when I’m drunk.

While Oliver and Jim are having their intellectual, though provoking discussion, Harold climbs up the tree he is in.

Oliver: If you’re so good at remembering things where you’re drunk, tell me what happened last night.

Jim: I can’t. I was frunk last night. I don’t remember what happens when I’m frunk.

Oliver: What is frunk?

Jim: It’s like being drunk only with more alcohol in your system. I became frunk after we found the liquor cabinet.

Oliver: Still. Drink has gotten us stranded in the middle of nowhere and-

Harold: (from the top of the tree) we’re not in the middle of nowhere.

Jim: What do you mean?

Harold: (Still from tree top) Get up here and I’ll show you.

Jim starts to climb the tree

Scene #2

Jim’s head pokes out of the foliage at the top of the tree next to Harold’s head.

Jim: Holy shit! We’re in the middle of a city.

Harold: Not just any city. It’s New York. Were in the middle of f’ing central park!

Jim starts to look around and spots the avenue of the America’s. All along it is a scene of destruction. Cars overturned and burn, small fires in the streets, mailboxes kicked over, windows smashed Etc. The statue at Rockefeller square has been toppled and stuck in to skating rink. The Hilton has the words “Sex tape-o-rama” sprayed to the side of it. There are fire trucks, ambulances and police cars all up and down the street. The trail of anarchy continues into Central Park with burned trees, and broken bush and the like. It stops just ten metres in front of the resting place of our heroes. There are several police officers making their way through the destruction towards the people down below.

Jim: Oh shit. What did we do last night?

bump

This is rather amusing. Wonder what I would have been if I had stayed in NATO.