Camel Eaters
20-01-2005, 02:10
My God this is boring. I sit here all day and not a single goddamn thing to BLOW UP! I need coffee. No I need a new job. Well I would be able to quit and be back on Earth in the same day if the Nets weren’t down in this sector. Goddamn people need to fix those things. Hey wow I never knew the walls on the hallway were so white and shiny I’ll just stare at them for a few moments. Hmm. Maybe a little longer.
These are the thoughts of Un’dwa Batikkiko Member of the House of Greater Servitude, Pathfera of the Batikkiko Line, Rank Three Clearance Mac Cannon Operator, and a bored little man in the Universe. By the way I’m Haggis the Overseer nice to meet you.
A mass of chemicals and strange biologic rubbery substance stirred. Usually when something like this stirs it suggests an ominous presence but when Frank of the Nine Air Sacs stirs it just means he woke up. Frank looked around for a moment. The screens all read the same pitch-blackness that meant nothing was invading. Nothing was screaming towards them like a Seuss fighter wing. Nothing could be more boring. He melted out of the chair he was in. Gathering him on the floor before setting off towards the kitchen following one of his many friends on board Un’dwa Batikkiko. He released an entire air sac’s worth of a sigh and looked at the somewhat packed mess hall. A man was talking with what looked to be a bird like centipede. Both were conversing in Trade Slang, which is wondrous mix of Japanese, Jamaican patois, and New Age Binary. Anyways. Frank spotted Un’dwa sitting down to a cold slab of tubeworm, algae, and some sort of bacterium developed in the thirties to clean the dirt off of clothes. “So Un’dwa how’s the pizza?” Frank inquired quickly pushing the air out as slithered onto the table.
“Twa baka it 34 like jah alwa’ be.”
“You’ve been brushing up on your Trade Slang I take it.” Frank shuddered for a moment and produced a somewhat audible growl as he ingested a passing fly.
“Yeah I have. Maxim helps me though it’s hard.” Un’dwa dug into his pizza slab again shaking his mane of red and green hair as he got up and dumped the rest into the ship compost container. Now I usually would’ve just skipped over the boring life of such a group of individuals and watched a war or something but these guys always make me feel a little less lonely in the Universe. Wait y’all get back to the story. Miss U.C.A and Miss Universe are having an eye opening experience in the shower.
Now you may be wondering what in the eighty are some odd hells is happening here. Well I assure you there is only seventy-four hells so don’t worry about that. You see this is a story about people in the future. What amazing things have happened in the future you may ask? Well go ahead ask them. All right you’re done asking aren’t you. Well to answer your first question it is the year 80,005. Several thousand years ago the original home world of humanity was subsumed into three great empires. The Irish, Wal-Mart, and Microsoft ruled ninety percent of the world. The Mexicans owned the rest and the French had garrisoned Paris into a super city that stretched the length of the country’s national borders, so in order to find freedom, liberty, and cheap software man took the stars.
While among the stars man became bored and created all sorts of stuff to entertain themselves with. Two of these creations were living Furbies and AI. The Furbies eventually were released into the wild and evolved into their feral surroundings quickly. Soon they had gained intelligence of that of a human. Don’t ask me how they just did it. The Barkers (as the Furbies now called themselves) began colonizing the outer edges of the human empire. Then there was the AI after a brief and unoriginal war between humanity and a super computer name Seuss, in which Seuss was eventually vanquished to the darkest depths of space for losing a riddle contest against Emperor Jacob Fischer the XXVIII, the Barkers and Seuss were destined to meet and after an even briefer war, in which the Barkers peed on Seuss’s casing and he shot one of them in the head with a warrior drone, they merged their forces and attacked High Jamaica, a military province in the Alpha Centauri system. It was owned by the Rastafarian Space Emirate of Zion, and won. After that they eventually took the entire planet. Costa Rica Dos fell in a matter of days. New Nippon fell followed by Birmingham and Shadow Wood, a giant suburb on the other side of the planet, they now had a home world. The Barkers and humans got along rather well. Most people just stayed where they were and greeted their new neighbors with mild hostility.
Seuss was another matter entirely. He wanted war and he wanted to take it to Earth. Except the Microsoftian Empire stood in his way. They purchased the dark side of the moon and were ready for war at all times. Their missile defense grid was feared, as was their militant support base of warrior-geeks. The only weakness that Microsoft exhibited was the small number of soldiers available to protect the Earth. A war was raging eight light-years away The Macintosh Rebellion and Liberation Army had attacked Microsoft’s holdings on Linux Prime. The locals had joined forces with them and the Unix Republican Militia was getting into the fray. Microsoft’s warrior-geeks were barely able to hold off the first Barker attack.
In frustration Microsoft turned to Wal-Mart and asked them to help hold the Barker’s off. They agreed and within three days senior warrior-representatives of the Army of Wal-Mart had swarmed the Barker attack fleets and drove them from the Solar System. Earth was saved. At least for now it was.
Weird story? I always thought it was. There’s a butt load of history to cover though. The Hawaiian Revolution for example. At about the same time that the Great Second Seuss Human War was raging around the moon a much less hostile thing was happening in Hawaii. Since the second thirteenth century organic data storage units have been in use worldwide. These globs of brain and skin tissues were in essence sentient organisms. And organisms like to evolve. These strange little organic computers were able to control most of their own genetic processes. To a certain point, beyond that was engineer territory. But a major advantage had been given to these organic machines. Spore reproduction and invasion. Well one odd day a lad assistant was being stupid and was invaded by trillions of tiny little brain cells that had managed to get into his skin. They attacked his brain and spread throughout him like a fungus. Soon he was an exact mental copy of one of the data units. He promptly marched into a control room. Killed the scientists within and began modifying his brothers genetically. They grew limbs and were able to move. Though weak and fleshy their spore invasion abilities gave them the edge in battle. Quickly taking over the building guards it was no problem to finish off the scientists. Then the scientist’s families were invaded and reduced to mental clones. Then the communities became mind slaves. Soon all of Hawaii was under the control of the organic data storage units that is when it all got interesting. You see the Cephalovivs, as they called themselves, realized that an invasion by the spores was impractical for spreading their people. So they realized that certain spore producing glands situated in certain reproductive areas in human mental clones could easily spread them across the face of the earth. The only Earth based empire that could find a way around this was Ireland. With a stake in Hawaii, owing to the fact that they conquered North America in the fourth world war, they worked quickly with advanced nanobots concocting a spore defense shield. They sent a delegate named Seansin O’Mashoney and then there was peace. Well of a fashion. Mass symbiosis followed. For seven generations the Irish Galactic Empire spread. No one could stop the spores. Then it spread to far and broke. The Brotherhood of Munster Space and the Cycle of Ulster’s Sun emerged among the warring Irish faction as the strongest. And then there was war.
The first Galactic wide war broke out. The Barkers and Seuss were dragged into it. Wal-Mart and Microsoft sent their warriors to the front. The Brotherhood fought the Cycle. No planet was untouched. No race unscarred. At the Battle of Alexis alone over a billion lives on both sides were lost. The Rape of Delhi-Berlin, The Suffocation of the Benjamin System, and The Destruction of Sol, each saw a massive and unnecessary loss of life, in a desperate move The Cycle allied with the Barkers and Seuss. Wal-Mart and Microsoft were quick to throw their power behind the Brotherhood. The war came to a head around Mercury. Cycle gas fields had been attacked by the Great 12th Column of Windows, and a Barker fleet had rushed to defend the precious fields. Wal-Mart caught wind and threw a spare army, The Third Aisle Marines, into the fray. Las beams sliced through thousands. Plasma guns melted their ashes and nuclear bombardment finished off their ghosts. The Barkers lost. Or so everyone thought until a rogue ship, which had yet to be captured, under the command of Holy General Abassa launched twelve volleys of Helios missiles. The Sun’s core overheated and gravity was thrown into hyper mode. Sol the thing that had given life to Earth for so long expanded and blew up. The initial blast stretched to Jupiter lighting the gas ball like a candle. The sheer scale of it threw the system out of whack. The empty space rippled with gravitational tides. Small-scale black holes formed and ate each other on the same day. The new sun, what was once Jupiter, blazed harshly as Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, and Pluto floated on odd patterns being pulled in and out of orbits as they circled this new star. Well at least it was pretty boom.
Let me see what else has happened. We found some alien critters a while before that. Some faster than light travel let the human race get a foot up on economic competition. The almost total destruction of our solar system got us some sympathy for a bit so we got like free ice cream and stuff. Oh yeah Sol Day. A galactic holiday to help us understand the uselessness of war, oh crap I forgot to mention that the humans terraformed Pluto and Neptune and then renamed them Earth. They circle in the same orbit now.
So the Universe is at a whole new level of fucked up at this point isn’t it? Well it’s about to get worse.
Seventy-five years after the destruction of half of the Sol system an alien race known as the Fredericks appeared on the scene. You see the Fredericks were 300 trillion clones of the same person, a lowly genetic tech that decided to play with his gene sequences, after that he began cloning himself en masse, secretly of course, The Fredericks were a force to be reckoned with. Each generation was more modified than the last. Any biological cure to the Fredericks problem was moot by the next generation. The Fredericks Empire spread through occupied human space like a disease. Eventually though, as in all empires, it began to fade. Generations that were trapped in campaigns in far-away systems become markedly different than the average Fred. Reproduction systems began breaking down in the far reaches of the empire forcing the first female Fredericks to be designed and made. A new race had spawned in the galaxy. Soon small splinter groups formed. Larger ones after those then competing Fredericks empires that spanned from one end of the Milky Way to the other. Fredericks Sapiens had established itself well.
Back to the story.
OOC: Yeah I hope someone joins. Need anything explained I will explain it.
These are the thoughts of Un’dwa Batikkiko Member of the House of Greater Servitude, Pathfera of the Batikkiko Line, Rank Three Clearance Mac Cannon Operator, and a bored little man in the Universe. By the way I’m Haggis the Overseer nice to meet you.
A mass of chemicals and strange biologic rubbery substance stirred. Usually when something like this stirs it suggests an ominous presence but when Frank of the Nine Air Sacs stirs it just means he woke up. Frank looked around for a moment. The screens all read the same pitch-blackness that meant nothing was invading. Nothing was screaming towards them like a Seuss fighter wing. Nothing could be more boring. He melted out of the chair he was in. Gathering him on the floor before setting off towards the kitchen following one of his many friends on board Un’dwa Batikkiko. He released an entire air sac’s worth of a sigh and looked at the somewhat packed mess hall. A man was talking with what looked to be a bird like centipede. Both were conversing in Trade Slang, which is wondrous mix of Japanese, Jamaican patois, and New Age Binary. Anyways. Frank spotted Un’dwa sitting down to a cold slab of tubeworm, algae, and some sort of bacterium developed in the thirties to clean the dirt off of clothes. “So Un’dwa how’s the pizza?” Frank inquired quickly pushing the air out as slithered onto the table.
“Twa baka it 34 like jah alwa’ be.”
“You’ve been brushing up on your Trade Slang I take it.” Frank shuddered for a moment and produced a somewhat audible growl as he ingested a passing fly.
“Yeah I have. Maxim helps me though it’s hard.” Un’dwa dug into his pizza slab again shaking his mane of red and green hair as he got up and dumped the rest into the ship compost container. Now I usually would’ve just skipped over the boring life of such a group of individuals and watched a war or something but these guys always make me feel a little less lonely in the Universe. Wait y’all get back to the story. Miss U.C.A and Miss Universe are having an eye opening experience in the shower.
Now you may be wondering what in the eighty are some odd hells is happening here. Well I assure you there is only seventy-four hells so don’t worry about that. You see this is a story about people in the future. What amazing things have happened in the future you may ask? Well go ahead ask them. All right you’re done asking aren’t you. Well to answer your first question it is the year 80,005. Several thousand years ago the original home world of humanity was subsumed into three great empires. The Irish, Wal-Mart, and Microsoft ruled ninety percent of the world. The Mexicans owned the rest and the French had garrisoned Paris into a super city that stretched the length of the country’s national borders, so in order to find freedom, liberty, and cheap software man took the stars.
While among the stars man became bored and created all sorts of stuff to entertain themselves with. Two of these creations were living Furbies and AI. The Furbies eventually were released into the wild and evolved into their feral surroundings quickly. Soon they had gained intelligence of that of a human. Don’t ask me how they just did it. The Barkers (as the Furbies now called themselves) began colonizing the outer edges of the human empire. Then there was the AI after a brief and unoriginal war between humanity and a super computer name Seuss, in which Seuss was eventually vanquished to the darkest depths of space for losing a riddle contest against Emperor Jacob Fischer the XXVIII, the Barkers and Seuss were destined to meet and after an even briefer war, in which the Barkers peed on Seuss’s casing and he shot one of them in the head with a warrior drone, they merged their forces and attacked High Jamaica, a military province in the Alpha Centauri system. It was owned by the Rastafarian Space Emirate of Zion, and won. After that they eventually took the entire planet. Costa Rica Dos fell in a matter of days. New Nippon fell followed by Birmingham and Shadow Wood, a giant suburb on the other side of the planet, they now had a home world. The Barkers and humans got along rather well. Most people just stayed where they were and greeted their new neighbors with mild hostility.
Seuss was another matter entirely. He wanted war and he wanted to take it to Earth. Except the Microsoftian Empire stood in his way. They purchased the dark side of the moon and were ready for war at all times. Their missile defense grid was feared, as was their militant support base of warrior-geeks. The only weakness that Microsoft exhibited was the small number of soldiers available to protect the Earth. A war was raging eight light-years away The Macintosh Rebellion and Liberation Army had attacked Microsoft’s holdings on Linux Prime. The locals had joined forces with them and the Unix Republican Militia was getting into the fray. Microsoft’s warrior-geeks were barely able to hold off the first Barker attack.
In frustration Microsoft turned to Wal-Mart and asked them to help hold the Barker’s off. They agreed and within three days senior warrior-representatives of the Army of Wal-Mart had swarmed the Barker attack fleets and drove them from the Solar System. Earth was saved. At least for now it was.
Weird story? I always thought it was. There’s a butt load of history to cover though. The Hawaiian Revolution for example. At about the same time that the Great Second Seuss Human War was raging around the moon a much less hostile thing was happening in Hawaii. Since the second thirteenth century organic data storage units have been in use worldwide. These globs of brain and skin tissues were in essence sentient organisms. And organisms like to evolve. These strange little organic computers were able to control most of their own genetic processes. To a certain point, beyond that was engineer territory. But a major advantage had been given to these organic machines. Spore reproduction and invasion. Well one odd day a lad assistant was being stupid and was invaded by trillions of tiny little brain cells that had managed to get into his skin. They attacked his brain and spread throughout him like a fungus. Soon he was an exact mental copy of one of the data units. He promptly marched into a control room. Killed the scientists within and began modifying his brothers genetically. They grew limbs and were able to move. Though weak and fleshy their spore invasion abilities gave them the edge in battle. Quickly taking over the building guards it was no problem to finish off the scientists. Then the scientist’s families were invaded and reduced to mental clones. Then the communities became mind slaves. Soon all of Hawaii was under the control of the organic data storage units that is when it all got interesting. You see the Cephalovivs, as they called themselves, realized that an invasion by the spores was impractical for spreading their people. So they realized that certain spore producing glands situated in certain reproductive areas in human mental clones could easily spread them across the face of the earth. The only Earth based empire that could find a way around this was Ireland. With a stake in Hawaii, owing to the fact that they conquered North America in the fourth world war, they worked quickly with advanced nanobots concocting a spore defense shield. They sent a delegate named Seansin O’Mashoney and then there was peace. Well of a fashion. Mass symbiosis followed. For seven generations the Irish Galactic Empire spread. No one could stop the spores. Then it spread to far and broke. The Brotherhood of Munster Space and the Cycle of Ulster’s Sun emerged among the warring Irish faction as the strongest. And then there was war.
The first Galactic wide war broke out. The Barkers and Seuss were dragged into it. Wal-Mart and Microsoft sent their warriors to the front. The Brotherhood fought the Cycle. No planet was untouched. No race unscarred. At the Battle of Alexis alone over a billion lives on both sides were lost. The Rape of Delhi-Berlin, The Suffocation of the Benjamin System, and The Destruction of Sol, each saw a massive and unnecessary loss of life, in a desperate move The Cycle allied with the Barkers and Seuss. Wal-Mart and Microsoft were quick to throw their power behind the Brotherhood. The war came to a head around Mercury. Cycle gas fields had been attacked by the Great 12th Column of Windows, and a Barker fleet had rushed to defend the precious fields. Wal-Mart caught wind and threw a spare army, The Third Aisle Marines, into the fray. Las beams sliced through thousands. Plasma guns melted their ashes and nuclear bombardment finished off their ghosts. The Barkers lost. Or so everyone thought until a rogue ship, which had yet to be captured, under the command of Holy General Abassa launched twelve volleys of Helios missiles. The Sun’s core overheated and gravity was thrown into hyper mode. Sol the thing that had given life to Earth for so long expanded and blew up. The initial blast stretched to Jupiter lighting the gas ball like a candle. The sheer scale of it threw the system out of whack. The empty space rippled with gravitational tides. Small-scale black holes formed and ate each other on the same day. The new sun, what was once Jupiter, blazed harshly as Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, and Pluto floated on odd patterns being pulled in and out of orbits as they circled this new star. Well at least it was pretty boom.
Let me see what else has happened. We found some alien critters a while before that. Some faster than light travel let the human race get a foot up on economic competition. The almost total destruction of our solar system got us some sympathy for a bit so we got like free ice cream and stuff. Oh yeah Sol Day. A galactic holiday to help us understand the uselessness of war, oh crap I forgot to mention that the humans terraformed Pluto and Neptune and then renamed them Earth. They circle in the same orbit now.
So the Universe is at a whole new level of fucked up at this point isn’t it? Well it’s about to get worse.
Seventy-five years after the destruction of half of the Sol system an alien race known as the Fredericks appeared on the scene. You see the Fredericks were 300 trillion clones of the same person, a lowly genetic tech that decided to play with his gene sequences, after that he began cloning himself en masse, secretly of course, The Fredericks were a force to be reckoned with. Each generation was more modified than the last. Any biological cure to the Fredericks problem was moot by the next generation. The Fredericks Empire spread through occupied human space like a disease. Eventually though, as in all empires, it began to fade. Generations that were trapped in campaigns in far-away systems become markedly different than the average Fred. Reproduction systems began breaking down in the far reaches of the empire forcing the first female Fredericks to be designed and made. A new race had spawned in the galaxy. Soon small splinter groups formed. Larger ones after those then competing Fredericks empires that spanned from one end of the Milky Way to the other. Fredericks Sapiens had established itself well.
Back to the story.
OOC: Yeah I hope someone joins. Need anything explained I will explain it.