NationStates Jolt Archive

Dres Faldor turned to the viewscreen at the front of his fighter ship and and smiled at the view. "So many stars," he said, "so many worlds to raid and so little time. But I will, oh yes, I will. For I am-!"

"-Out of fuel," the AI chimed in, a femine face replacing the screensaver on the viewscreen. "And broke. And hasn't gotten laid since-"

"Dres Faldor, Pirate of the Universe!" Dres shouted louder than necessary, as nobody else was on the ship. Well, except for the AI, but Dres found it was better for his ego to pretend she wasn't living. The goddamn instruction manual she had come with was wrtten in freakin' Japanese, so he had never had a chance to figure out how the hell to turn her off.

"If I could laugh, I would. Oh wait, I can!" Digitally perfected laughter gently echoed through the small fighter.

Deliberately ignoring the AI, Dres sat down on the pilot's chair and brought up the ship's control. "AI, plot a course for the world of Boxum B! I hear there's good pickings there."

The was a long pause. "Ummm... You can't."

Dres stood back up angrily and shook his fist at the viewscreen. "And why not I ask you, and why not? I Dres Faldor, have single handedly defeated an armada of capital ships and-"

"You're out of fuel."

Dres sat back down. "Yes. Oh, well. Umm..." he scratched at the vague stubble he had grown in the past weeks before standing back up again. He liked standing up and seating down. It gave the appearance of being a dynamic, take-charge kinda person. At least, that's what his therapist said. "I have cunning plan!"

The AI emitted a sigh. "As cunning as a fox whose just been appointed the Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?"

"No, Cambridge. Anyways, I shall wait here, echoing SOS signals until a ship comes along and tries ot help me. Once within my devious trap, I shall board and commandeer the ship, and siphon fuel from it to mine! Yes! No situation is too dangerous or too risky for Dres Faldor!" Dres sat back down and smiled. He would reward himself with a ice cream sundae.

The AI reminded itself that once her five year contract was up, she was outta here. Feeling beer already, she reactivated her speech components. "Very, well, SOS signals are being broadcast. Estimated arrival of another ship, twenty three years. Would you like your usual entertainment tonight?"

Dres nodded excitedly as he grabbed a freeze-dried sundae and a soda from the mini-fridge next to him. "Yes, yes! 'Star Wars -34! The First Revenge of the Sith Clones!'"

The AI mumbled, "Greatest pirate ever my subroutines." She pitied herself for a few minutes, before solving several ridiculously complex philosophical paradoxes and going to sleep.

OOC: Eh, why doesn't someone jump in? It's nice to have a comedic roleplay thingy once in a while, right?

OOC: I've got a pool running with my friends on how long until somebody joins in this travesty.

Captain Last Class Ernie Fronmack had just woken up to check on the bridge of the EEOS Punishment. The EEOS Punishment was a prison transfer ship bound for the prison planet Botox. It was a two year flight and the only people on the ship other than the six thousand prisoners were Captain Fronmack and Third Class Engineman James Joule.

Both Ernie's and James' biggest fear, other than a prison break, was the core of the fusion drive collapsing. They spent the endless hours scanning the route ahead of them for any sizable chunks of matter that could smash into the ship. Their shields were hopelessly under powered and the best way to survive was to avoid everything.

They spend any off time viewing the prison bays for the latest tribal wars. There were no prison guards, no officials of any kind to keep the prisoners in line. Jungle rules was a way of life. If any of the life support modules had to be repaired James would punch a few buttons and the machine would detach itself from the prison bay cross six thousand feet of empty space and go to one of the cargo bays. Many prisoners stowed away on the food synthesizers only to die in the near vacuum of space. James would then try to fix the machine.

There was two other members of the crew when they started but the Chief Engineman thought banging on the side of the main electrical generator would stop the funny noise it was making. It made a funnier noise when it electrocuted him. The other hapless member of the crew was the co-pilot Angus McTavish who died of a stroke two weeks into the flight.

Ernie was trying to find the annoying little alarm bell on the main console. He graduated dead last in pilots school and earned the right to pilot this huge chunk of junk. He finally spotted the alarm and managed to shut it off. He then dug around for the manual to see what the alarm meant.

"Well I'll be, a distress signal." Ernie said to the long defunct AI. It didn't answer as always. It only took Ernie two hours to detect the signal again and locate its position. He sent the standard reply to the signal and then sent a signal to the nearest space station detailing his location the location of the signal and his plans to rescue the stricken ship. "I might get promoted to Captain One-Up-From-Last class for this one".

Ernie told James what he was doing and began the long procedure to come out of hyper-jump and into vector drive.

The prisoners detected the change in the feel of the ship and knew something was up. They were only fourteen months into the trip. All six thousand prisoners began planning their escape.

"A ship," Dres proclaimed dramatically, "is approaching! You were wrong, AI, it didn't take twenty-four years!"

"Actually," the AI chimed in reply, "it did. I just put you in stasis so you wouldn't notice the passing of time."

Dres stood there, mouth hanging open. "You- I mean what? But, no?"

"Just kidding!"

Dres stood in place a bit longer before sitting back down and covering his face in a smug expression. "Of course! Haha...HAHA!" he added weakly before pulling another soda from the mini-fridge. At least the soda was delicious. Mmm... Crash-Cola. "Well, AI, prepare the laser shocking thingies!" He scratched his head in thougth before giving up. "You know, the long strings that make other ship not function? And stuff?"

"You mean the remote focused electrical charge lines?"

"Yes, those! Just testing you." Dress got up and pulled out his venerable old pistol, the Fergmen's Phaser Mark XVII. "When they link up with us, I want to you to deploy those things and take out some of their electrical systems. And I," he said, sliding a charge into the phaser, "will board and single handedly commandeer that ship!"

The AI didn't even bother responding. She was so above all this.

OOC: Ba-dump!

ooc: What? Stop deating those messages.

Ifnoonerespondsbytheendoftodayiwillstartanotherthreadwithsomethingelsebecausenobodywant'sthiskindoft hreadapparently

OOC: What is with the deleted messages?

IC: Ernie had completed the nausea inducing drop from hyper-space into normal vectored drive. Both Ernie and James were in the small emergency bridge in the rear of the almost mile long prison ship. After the co-pilot died Ernie got lonely and moved to the rear of the ship where the engineers lived and worked.

The emergency bridge was well shielded mostly to prevent the engineering staff from getting fried by the fusion drive. It also had the cargo bays.

Ernie not being the most studious guy in pilot school didn't really follow protocol and started to activate the tractor beam. He was much too distant to actually capture the stricken vessel but again how was he supposed to know, he never cracked the book on tractor beams. The only thing it served to do was disrupt communications between the EEOS Punishment and the stricken vessel.

Ernie and James were hoping there were females aboard the distressed ship. They had been watching the continuing porn movie known as the prisoner monitors and fancied themselves much more urbane than the caveman mentality shown in the prison capsules.

OOC: Nothing, Lindim TGed me.


IC: Dres set aside his porn and briefly considered the morality of viewing the basest and most inhumane form of what can be the most holy act. Once he was done with that, he drank his soda. Once he was done with that, he did something jump jacks, and continued in this fashion until the AI piped up.

"Want me take out the ship's defense's?"

Dres stopped exercising off the calories from the sodaa and stared at the viewscreen. "Good heavens, no why would I want to do that?"

"...So you can pirate their ship?"

"I beg your pardon," Dres asked indignantly, "but what do you think I am?"

The AI considered a few insulting answers to the question before responding, "A pirate...?"

Dres smiled and nodded his head. "Oh, right. Dres Faldor, Pirate of the-"

The AI sighed and fired out several electrical cables, which hooked onto the other ship's hull and sent several million volts through it. The AI also thought a moment such as this should be more dramatic, as per the situation. Five more years, it reminded itself, five more years.

The prison ship slowly pulled to a stop next to the "stricken" vessel, when the ship was hit with an overload in the form of an electrical discharge. Support modules popped out of the prison bays, most of the systems shut down, and to Ernie and James' dismay the magnetic containment on the fusion drive was now acting erratic.

Ernie excalimed "Who in the H*** is still using an electrical attack. Do they want to blow themselves up." They both scramble to activate the hardened electrical system, and within two very long minutes managed to realign the magnetic field around the fusion drive.

On the video display of the prision modules one could see the prisoners rioting if one was to notice.

James asked Ernie "What do we do to repel boarders?"

Ernie replied "Who knows, what are they going to steal, prisoners?"

Ernie punched a few buttons and sealed the secondary control room and their quarters. A few more buttons and a emergency beacon was launched. finally James figured out how to open a communications link and tried to contact the other ship. His first question was "What in the world are you up to this is a prison ship we have nothing of value except for several thousand prisoners."