Texarkania
29-12-2004, 02:30
AP - after reviewing the results of a 3 year long study by the RSI (Redneck Studies Institute) Lord Wacko, ruler of Texarkania, announced today that beer would no longer be sold at liquor stores, grocery stores, etc. and would be available only by the glass at bars and resturaunts and similar establishments.
According to the RSI study, all pickup trucks sold in Texarkania in the past 5 years have had hidden "black box" recorder devices in the cabs which recorded, in a continual loop, the last 120 seconds of conversation/sound in the truck's cabs. Every time a truck was involved in a fatal accident, the black box recorder was recovered and sent to the RSI for analysis and compilation. After a 3 year study of the data thus collected, the director of the RSI, L.B. Jahnson, reported this week that in approximately 64% of all fatal accidents in Texarkania involving pickup trucks, the final recorded statement of the truck's driver was: "Hey, hold my beer and check this shit out!"
Lord Wacko stated "that out of a humanitarian concern for our citizens it is clear that based on this study the sale of beer in cans and bottles which can be consumed in pickups and handed off to passengers presents a significant danger. I realize this decision will not be popular with the citizenry, but in order to protect our citizens, we must make it illegal for pickup truck drivers to hand their beer off to others while they attempt to drive."
According to the RSI study, all pickup trucks sold in Texarkania in the past 5 years have had hidden "black box" recorder devices in the cabs which recorded, in a continual loop, the last 120 seconds of conversation/sound in the truck's cabs. Every time a truck was involved in a fatal accident, the black box recorder was recovered and sent to the RSI for analysis and compilation. After a 3 year study of the data thus collected, the director of the RSI, L.B. Jahnson, reported this week that in approximately 64% of all fatal accidents in Texarkania involving pickup trucks, the final recorded statement of the truck's driver was: "Hey, hold my beer and check this shit out!"
Lord Wacko stated "that out of a humanitarian concern for our citizens it is clear that based on this study the sale of beer in cans and bottles which can be consumed in pickups and handed off to passengers presents a significant danger. I realize this decision will not be popular with the citizenry, but in order to protect our citizens, we must make it illegal for pickup truck drivers to hand their beer off to others while they attempt to drive."