NationStates Jolt Archive

Unlike previous transmissions from the King of All Cosmos, wherein all of the universe did shake at His very command, the message this time came in the form of a small note delivered to the doorstep of the halls of government of virtually every nation in the multiverse... somehow. The note was scrawled on a 3x5 index card with the words "WRITE AN ANSWER ON DA BACK" written in large letters across the top. The text was small but legible and even contained a lovely little picture of its author.

I'd bet you'd like to know what that note said, wouldn't you? Well, fine. Here it is:

Hiya to everybuddy!

U can call me Shikao and Im the Minister of Learnin New THINGS for His Royal Majesty the King of All Cosmos! I was just wonderin how ur nation people I mean slaves I mean citizens do when they want to says HELLO! since Im the smrtest 1 who works 4 His Royal Majesty the King of All Cosmos (He's my uncle an I calls him "His Royal Majesty Uncle King of All Cosmos" 4 shrt) I got 2 send outa massage 2 u all so go me!!!!!!!! so go ahead and write ur anser on da back so I can read it ok? ok!!!!! bye!

http://upl.silentwhisper.net/uplfolders/upload8/shikao.png
Shikao!

Firefury peered curiously at the card, thinking some litter must have blown onto the palace grounds. "Ugh... what grade schooler wrote this?"

Out of boredom, the reploid scribbled on the back of the card and tossed it into the wind, quickly forgotten. On the back is written a neatly scribbled list of words and phrases in a descending degree of seriousness:


Hello
Hi
S'up?
Heyas
Ohayo!
Konichiwa!
Konbanwa!
WAAAAAZZUP?
Yo
j0
S'up, bitch?
Hi ho!
SIEG ZEON!

The gardener of the Orange House was just about to cut the note along with the orange tree which started to grow green (which made him yell to himself about vacations and how things never get done without him) when the Governmental mailman suddenly held the gardener's hand and took the note.
He then said "Todot" for thanks and walked away to the Governmental translator, Prof. Medaber Harbe, and handed him the mostly-impossible-to-understand note.
After a few minutes he wrote:
We say: "Shlomot"
And handed the note back to the mailman.

Socialistina Sloga-Republika Zapadslavia is a land of ten nations and peoples, and each of them has its own language, or at least unique version of a common language. It would be a tremendous pain for Aleksandar Milutinov, Foreign and Information Secretary, to list them all, and so, being a child of President Javoric's all-conquering cabal, he simply gave the Zelenoslavian, "danvro!"

His reply was scribbled on the back of a sheet of waste paper that, on its face, discussed, by an amazing coincidence, the annoying nature of the Albovinan dialect, specifically in normally simple situations such as an exchange of greetings.

"In the Socialist Republic of Albovina" it read, indicating one of Zapadslavia's poorest and most widely ignored republics, "the ordinary task of greeting another can become a trial, especially for the uninitiated visitor or inebriated local. Forms change radically and seemingly without much sense of structure or uniformity depending on the age, sex, and relationship of participants in the exchange, and even upon their present mood, the time of day, season, north/south orientation of the speaker, distance from the nearest lake, condition (frozen or unfrozen) of said lake, and the number of ducks that can concurrently be seen by the speaker.

"For example, bof makes sense only when a boy greets his younger sister, and ceases to be correct once he reaches adulthood (the age threshold for which varies from village to village), or if the setting is formal, a condition ascribed to business transactions, wakes, birthday celebrations, and breadlines. Were his sister wearing a skirt at the time, the boy would risk being arrested or disowned, and in the event that she was betrothed to an older man by parental arrangement, the boy could expect to be killed by such a man."

How accurate the document may be is likely hard to discover, as nobody with drying paint to watch would ever trouble themselves to visit Albovina.

A Jewish kid picked up the note which was floating around the desert. Being a kid, he scribbled "Shalom from Israel" in the usual childish way and threw it in the air again.

A paper fluttered down into Chiba City, blowing over the flying cars and sucked down into the bowels of The Warrens. The wind from between the skyscrapers and towers could create horrific wind gusts. The railings lining the inner core of The Warrens were added for this very reason. Of course, a paper wasn't going to be hindered by guardrails and so it quickly shot down to the deepest levels of The Warrens; the levels where even the police didn't go without combat armor; the level were people had descended into animals.

One such animal, a man who had long forgotten his name snatched the paper from the air. He didn't even bother to read it. He simply dumped some marijuana (laced with more drugs than you could shake a stick at) in it, rolled it, and lit up.

“Executer Hesin, a note arrived for you today.” The currier said

“Really, a note, as in, something on a piece of paper?” she asked

“Well, an index card, but, yes.” Replied the currier

“Oh, well, lovely, lets see it then.”

He handed it to her…she read over it, then replaced the card on her desk and stared at the currier blankly

“What…the hell…is this? Is it April Fools day? Id this some kind of joke?” she asked in a stupefied voice

“No ma’am, its December 17th, and, I’m not sure about the second part.

“Well, there was a return address, no?” she asked

“Yes, Executer.”

“Well, I shall prepare an answer myself!”

Later that day, the note card was returned to its sender, and included the information on how to say “hello” in Transnapastain

“Greetings,

That is one of the ways we say hello in Transnapastain, sometimes, we just wave, some of the older citizens say hallo for we are a nation of German decent. Sometimes Hi, or hey will suffice. Salutations is sometimes, but not often said. Many people say hello with a hug or a handshake.

So long as your friendly, there is no wrong way to say hello

May the glory of God shine down upon you
Executer Vikki Hesin"

At the doorway of the complex that houses Emperor Gorrm, his adopted hatchling Khoss intercepts the letter-carrier as he dismounts from his Guat. "Hey, mister! You got sumpin for me?"

THe letter-carrier looks at the lad, and then sifts through his bundle. Pulling out the index card, he reads it briefly and laughs to himself. The index card is handed to Khoss. "Here you go, your Highness. Your first interstellar diplomatic message."

Khoss goes wide-eyed and takes the card. He looks at it with great concetration. "I'll answer this before you go, okay?"

The letter carrier nods and bows. "As you wish, your Highness." He goes on about his duties while Khoss pulls out a crayon and scribbles on the back of the card.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the Herpeto-sommat Empire, how we sez 'HI' depends. If we greet another Sakkran, or a close friend, we say 'Good cycle to you.' If it's someone we know, but not too well, we say 'Greetings...' followed by the being's title and name, or just 'Good cycle' followe dby a tiny bow. A cycle is the span of one day for us. Sometimes I hear my sire, if he's in a bad mood, say 'May your species not be destroyed.'

Prince Khoss

Sh*t, post got lost, have to rewrite.

---

The answer scribbled in a flowing, fine script by the foreign minister of Aeruillin, Vanessa Siliagh, was as follows:

"Aeruillin is a country of three species, and more than twice as many languages. Therefore, the answer would depend on where in Aeruillin you are, and who you are greeting.

Our nation's primary language is Tharell, a language passed on to us by the colonial rulers during the age of Atharellian Imperialism. Their greetings would be:

"Mae Lyra" (May you have a bright day)
"Naeran Talyrte" (May the sun shine on you).

English is a required secondary language for all our citizens, in order to ease international dealings. It is widely spoken in the capital, often in government affairs, and always when foreign diplomats are present. The greetings are the same as you might find in any English-speaking culture, though the above two, rendered in English, are quite common as well. Used among the devout is "May the Twelve be with you", being that the Thanaic pantheon includes twelve deities.

The Râl is extinct and spoken only by historians nowadays, but the phrases used are

"Haraye", or the more formal
"So's/Sa's Tar Harayende" (addressing males or females, respectively).

Our Elven population has its own traditional phrases of greeting, but I shall only cite the two most common here.

Quenya: "Elen sìla lùmenn' omentielvo" (for those of the Noldor like myself)
Sindarin: "Mae govannen"

A tiny fraction among us speak a variation of Drow, but I regret to say I am unfamiliar with their language. The best I could come up with is this phrase of traditional Drow, though I am sure the Aeruillian dialect differs vastly.

"Vendui'"

Finally, if you ever were to venture into the caverns under the Angranakh (formerly Telladar) mountains in Central Aeruillin, where the Slithzerikai city of Shassat-Uss lies, you would be greeted in what they call 'Neo-Slithzerikai', a debased form of the Dragon tongue with a harsh, hissing

"Ass-hai thssro Bahssikava" (May you find Bahssikava again)

Bahssikava being the paradise of Slith mythology, which they were supposedly cast out of for their warlike ways, and which they hope to find again through atonement.

You see, there are indeed many different ways to greet someone in Aeruillin - though a simple 'Hi!', said with a smiling expression, will work in most situations!

Hoping I was able to be of help,

--- Vanessa Siliagh, Foreign Minister of Aeruillin"

Hans Kneffler knocked on the door to the Grand Dukes study room (not that it was used for much studying anymore. ) and asked the Grand Duke.
"Do you want me to take ze dogs for a walk Herr Grossherzog?"
"You know what Hans. I'll do it myself today. You can take the night off"

Hans was surprised. This was only the second time, in the twenty-odd years he had worked for the royal family, that the Grand Duke had walked his dogs.

Grossherzog Karl von Zuberbühler opened the door, and noticed the little card on the door step.
He took it up, and read it slowly, as his English wasn't very good.

He looked puzzled for a minute, released the dogs(*), and returned to his study, where he took a pen and wrote, on the back of the card.

"The most common way to say hello in our country, Nieder Ostland, is Hallo. Quite a few people say Guten Morgen/Tag/Abend depending on what time of the day it is.
In the northern part, there are a few that says Grüss dich, but that's mostly older people. Among the students, i have heard, the word Grüezi is spreading, and becoming more and more common."

He looked at the card again. No return address.
He took out an envelope from his drawer, placed the card in it, and wrote on the envelope.
To: Shikao
Royal court of the King of All Cosmos
As he didn't want to disturb Hans in whatever he did when he was off duty, he, himself walked down to the small mail box on the bottom floor, and posted the letter.

------------------
(*) The dogs were returned three days later. A bit starved but a lot happier. So, no animals were hurt during the writing of this story.

Advisor Hertzfeldt blinks, looking down at the card. "You've got to be kidding me."

Razak shakes his head. "Nope. You're the Science Advisor, in charge of education... and this guy wants educating. Snap to it." With a wink, the PseudoEmperor walks off, leaving the sandy-haired, lanky man to sigh and open his drawer of Foamy's Idiot-to-English Dictionary: Electronic Volume Editions. After retrieving the AOLer to English edition, he prepares a response on the back of the card as directed.

Normally, we just say things such as:
"Hello" / "Marhaba" / "Hrowar"*
"Good Morning" / "Sabah Al Kair"
"Good Evening" / "Masaa Al Kair"
Or other such simple greetings, occasionally in whatever third "heritage" language the person speaks. We do have an extremely varied culture and most people are trilingual due to knowing our two official languages (Arabic and English) and having a third language passed down through their family.

* Oddly enough, the kzinti have come up with "Hrowar," a meaningless word intended to just be a sound of greeting (much like "Hello"), and this is gaining popularity among even the human crowd.

If you've any more questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

--Science Advisor Jon Hertzfeldt
Afterwards, he puts it back on the back step where it was found and tells the soldiers on guard to watch but not interfere unless something tricky was afoot.

Minister Shikao looked over the responses and blinked the loud, semi-metallic blink of the Kin of All Cosmos. There was, of course, no return address on the card--merely the instructions to write the answer on the back. Of course, unbeknownst to the masses, this was no ordinary 3x5 card; rather, it was a communication device, a sort of ink-based text messaging system devised by His Royal Hugeness the King of All Cosmos Himself.

Atop a tree somewhere on Earth, Shikao had set up the sandwich-board-sized (at least to him) 3x5 response card and was scrolling through what was written.

"Hello, hello, they all say hello, they all say it good, they all speak it good," he said in a voice akin to a sparrow with bronchitis sucking helium.

It was at that precise moment that His Royal Littleness the Prince of All Cosmos materialized in the tree. He was, like Shikao, among the Kin of All Cosmos--the strange race of misshapen, oddly-textured whatnots that were of the line and family of the King. He stood only a bit taller than Shikao and was bright green, his body shaped something like a gavel. But this was no ordinary gavel. This was a bright and shiny neon gavel. Like a gavel from the 80's. The sort of gavel New Kids on the Block would've owned if they were Supreme Court justices.

The Prince leaned over Shikao's shoulder and read the responses quietly to himself. It took little time.

"Father will be pleased," he said, a voice full and thick yet with a hint of meekness. "Many people have responded to us this day."

"Yeah, and they're speaking good," Shikao responded without looking back. "Only I can't read it. Too many big words. Many big words, yes. Like... that one." He pointed somewhere within the long, flowing Aeruillin script. "See, big word. I can't be expected to know such big words. What does that mean?"

The Prince read the word slowly. "Language."

Shikao turned back to the Prince. "That is language? That word? It has so many vowels! How can they make words with so many vowels? How can I be expected to read words with so many vowels? I just can't! It's simply impossi... imposs... unhappening!"

The Prince sighed. He prepared a response on similar index card format for all those who chose to answer.

~~~~~

Greetings and good tidings.

Thank you all for your responses to my family's queries. We, the Kin of All Cosmos, are a most curious lot regarding the ways of our people--and being that our people are [i]all people the multiverse over, we are glad to hear from them.

Also, I apologize on behalf of His Royal Majesty the King of All Cosmos for my sweet little cousin Shikao. Though he is a well-meaning young man, his command of language is not what I would quite call "impeccable." The only reason he sent this message was that, aside from myself and His Grand Hugeness the King, he is the only literate member of the Kin of All Cosmos.

In any event, thank you all most graciously, and may your stars be found favorable all your days.

http://namco-ch.net/katamari_damacy/chara/img/ouji4.gif
The Prince of All Cosmos

~~~~~

The Prince hesitated before depositing the notes. Finally, he added one more addition.

~~~~~

P.S. If you are wondering why neither I nor His Immanent Toweringness the King wrote up these cards, it is simply because We are royalty and shall not by the hand of any man be arsed to do something so beneath Our station. It is only by Our grace and wisdom that you receive this response, so enjoy it while you can and do not expect much else from Us. We are simply too good to speak to the likes of you. That is all.

~~~~~

Satisfied that he had met the royal prerequisites for haughtiness with the post-script, the Prince deposited the cards as before.