NationStates Jolt Archive

KNN Reports:
Cthulhu is Not Awake
Other News: Massive Evacuation Commenced; Super Fun Land Declares Bankruptcy
After an undersea city was discovered in a mining expedition, an investigation was launched. In this city, numerous statues of a squid headed demon were found, and many who looked upon those statues were driven into dementia. In an attempt to exploit this “haunted city” Kaukolastan floated the entire assembly to the top of the ocean and opened “Super Fun Land”.

Unfortunately, the carnival noise seemed to displease the slumbering, squid-headed resident, who promptly ate the guests. Super Fun Industries has declared bankruptcy as a result, and the survivors are still blabbering incoherently to stock holders.

In related news, Kaukolastan denies that the loss of the Cruise Ship “Carnivale” was in any way related to the loss of the other six ships in the past week. This was also unrelated to the massive loss of life when the demigod “did not eat” a small island nation. In regards to any other loss of life, Kaukolastan issues a firm apology to the world, and is planning on flying to the moon very soon. The official statement to the doomed denizens of the world is, "Oops, sorry about the mess."

OOC: D'Oh! Er... tag! It's gonna be one of those days ;-)

A crazed owner of a store... we're not entirely sure what kind of store... was quoted as shouting "Ia, Ia, Cthulhu, Fhtagn!" over and over again for several hours in the middle of the street upon hearing the news from Kaukolastan.

After consulting anchient mariner texts from our pirate forefathers, many Jiggadyn politicians, theologists, economists, paleontologists, marine biologists, shipologists, denominationists, and freudianists believe this to be the final resting place of mariners that have been claimed by mother ocean.

"The end is nigh!!!" One said aloud.

"The sea will spit up her dead and they will walk the earth!"



The news has led to many mariners in Jiggady, both merchant and of the Royal Navy to refuse to go to sea over fear of answering for their sins from these underwater devils.

"AAAAAIIIEEEEEEE" Jack Lawrence, Minister of Trade was quoted as saying.

KNN Reports
This is in No Way Related to Cthulhu, Who IS NOT REAL
In completely and totally unrelated news to the massive carnage in the Pacific, the government conducted an unscheduled and repeated nuclear test on the former site of Super Fun Land's "Haunted Sunken City" resort. In the aftermath, the city was seen standing, despite the delivery of tens of MIRVs, each with multi-megaton warheads.

The government insists that everyone should remain calm and act normal. However, no questions to the Senate were answered, as the message to stay calm appeared to be an answering machine. The Senate also recently decided to give a mass surprise inspection to the moon base, and assures us that all is well "from far, far away Luna".

KNN Reports
Kaukolastani National Kruise Line Renamed/Rechartered
One way trips now offered, for free.
The former Kaukolastani National Kruise Line, suavly spelled with two "K"s, has officially changed its name to "Sacrificial Delivery Service", and is offering round the clock, one way cruises on rickety boats that are being arc welded in a day or less.

We asked the guests boarding this new service what they thought about it.

REPORTER: So, Sir, I see you didn't pack anything with you. Are you not planning on returning.

GUEST: They burned my house and threw me onto this ship!

SOLDIER: No talking!

REPORTER: Are you looking forward to this economy line vacation?

GUEST: I would, if they weren't calling the ships things like, "Feedstock" and "Blood Bribe".

SOLDIER: No talking! *Warning Shot*

REPORTER: So, how do you feel about the whole situation?

GUEST: I don't know... kind of an impending doom, with a dash of hysteria. Oh, and the bullet that's lodged in my stomach really hurts.

REPORTER: Well, that's why you're bleeding. You should really see a doctor.

SOLDIER: That's it-

REPORTER: This has been a KNN Special Report. First, fast, and accura-

*BANG BANG BANG*

*Camera Goes Dead*

Ia, Ia, Chthulhu Fhtagn!!!!!!

A team of scientists from the Dominion Institute for Poking One's Nose Into Really, Really Icky and Weird Stuff have examined the recent "metaphysical phenomenon" in the Pacific and has concluded that there is no cause for alarm. Darth Norm, the Dominion's Minister for Science and Technology, issued this statement from the Institute.

"Since everyone knows that R'lyeh is actually located beneath Forlorn Hope, this cannot be a true return of the Elder Gods. I have spoken to His Omniferocity, who assures me that Great Cthulhu has not been awakened, as he would have been the first to know.

It is the opinion of the Institute that, Kaukolastan announcements to the contrary notwithstanding, the current paranormal disturbances are the result of Byakhee or perhaps Deep One activity in response to Kaukolastani incursions into their territory."

Darth Norm refused to acknowledge reports of a recent large increase in Dominion mental hospital populations, and brushed aside all attempts by reporters to interview the members of the Institue team who investigated the phenomenon. Persistent rumors of wholesale mental breakdowns among the team members remain are never acknowledged by Dominion authorities.

Disturbing reports of winged creatures glimpsed by night near the capital city of Mikalgard are dismissed as ridiculous fabrications by Dominion authorities, and an ongoing series of minor earth tremors beneath the city are explained away as "typical tectonic shifting".

The Pakled commander had this to say.

"We've found our other missing god! Now, we shall make carvings of Cthulhu and place them next to Eek the Cat and the holy wombat! Soon, we shall find more missing gods and add them to the Pakled pantheon! Rejoice, my Pakled brothers! This is a great day!"

http://www.arabesque.de/images/channel/foxkids/eek_cat.gif

http://members.ozemail.com.au/~enigman/images/wombat.jpg

http://www.pk.edu.pl/rozrywka/galeria/images/fantasy/cthulhu.jpg