NationStates Jolt Archive

Melkor Unchained; Wombat News

Rumours have been flying of late as to why little has been seen of the formerly high-profile Melkor Unchained of late. However, Wombat News may have found the answer. According to sources close to Dor Daedoloth, it seems that He Who Arises in Might is starting to look a little broader around the hips these days, and we don't think his anti-grav belt is helping any. In fact, Wombat News understands that his close associates have started to call him He Who Arises in the Night and Raids the Fridge.

It appears, though, that Melkor has noticed that the whispers and titters that his planetary girth, swollen with his steady diet of white elf meat, sparks on his rare forays into the public eye.

Melkor, who can barely fit into his Romperstomper Warlord uniform, and is blaming Arda's "cruel gravity", has promised to cut back on consuming entire adults, and stick to a steady diet of elf babies - at least until he drops a few more kilos.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – WARMING UP FOR THE FESTIVITIES TO COME

This article caused 60,324 Santa Barbaran netreaders to subscribe to WN within the first 5 minutes.

*has visions of Melkor stomping around yelling "Ah ate a BABY!" in a rough Scottish accent*
...
*dies laughing*

WN! Where've you been?

Imperial Nutritionist Gheer Harrth has stated that "The consumption of elf infants would only serve to increase the girth of He Who Breaks the Bathroom Scale. They are, after all, mostly fat. A steady diet of aerobics instructors would serve to decrease the girth, as they tend towards having leaner cuts of meat, and their healthier diets make the requirement for side-dishes a moot point."

Imperial News-Feed states that the delicious opinions of its commentators are not the opinions of the periodical.

Nutritionists in Dyelli Beybi disagree. We feel that 'the Atkin's Diet' is indeed the ideal in this situation. As such, Melkor need not cut out any deliciously succulent elf meat, but should rather avoid sweet pastries.

Diet of fresh babies adding on the pounds? Unable to catch your elven foes without loosing your breath? We have the answer for you.

Ylf

Scientifically formulated to give you all the nutrition and taste without any of the unwanted fats, Ylf is also far cheaper than breeding real elf babies. Contact TME Industries today before you gain more unwanted inches.

We think that either a full-sized mirror or a sturdy bathroom scale might help. If those fail, he can always get a nagging wife that will constantly remind him of his excessive eating habits.

Wheres Siri? :P

Remember! One elf a day, keeps the doctor away!

Our weight watchers agree. A balanced Atkins diet - Dyelli Beybi suggested- combined with a two hour work-out each day proves to be much more effective then these silly and rather clumsy contraptions. The eating of babies does not contribute to a healthier body though.

Remember! One elf a day, keeps the doctor away!

"Well, actually, there are exceptions..."

~ Gloriel

good to see you again WN.

Ratings of the WN channel have serged dramaticly since WN actually started Broadcasting, and newspaper sales have never been so good.

BUMP (as the towel rail above the scales comes away from the wall)