NationStates Jolt Archive

Dear Diary,

You will never believe this! Well, okay, you possible will, because you’re a trusting notebook, but still!

I just got accepted into the “Water Coolian Foreign Citizen Exchange Program” (or WCFCEP – try saying that twice. Or once for that matter!)!

I know, I know. I thought I would never have got accepted, especial when in the ‘Socialism and Communism are both evil.’ question/statement thingy part of the enterance exam, I just wrote “That’s not a question. Besides, what is evil?” But it turns out maybe they like my forward thinking progressiveness!

They sent me a heap of stuff to read, and about 50 NDAs to sign, which according to their 560 page ‘brochure’ ‘the law and you’ is all in the course of normal business. It’s funny; I can’t remember having to sign a NDA to visit a country before… At any rate I better get to it.

I’m excited beyond belief though, my flight leaves for Water Cooler Island Airport tomorrow!

-E.

Oh, I just thought of something. I better tell my editor I quit! Take that you lemon sucking old prude. Ah, I can’t wait to see the look on his prune like face.

Dear Diary,

As we speak I’m on the plane to Water Cooler Island! The flight is surprisingly empty; however being the largely unlucky guy that I am I got to sit next to Billy.

Billy is – special. Bill thinks pouring coffee down my next pants is fun. Billy thinks I care about how he is on fifteen types of medications. Billy thinks his jokes are funny. Billy thinks that the hostess actually wants to get him another – something. Billy thinks he doesn’t smell. Billy thinks I am not noticing the fact that he is reading over my shoulder.

That’s better.

Anyway, a few things are different about this flight that I think I should point out.

First, before boarding we all had to sign a behaviour contract pledging that (among other things) we are not going to try and destroy the government, or spread communism. We then had a DNA sample taken, and our ‘identity cards’ issued to us. Finally we where scanned for any weapons, etc.

There are curious thing these identity cards. It’s the same size as an average credit card, only a tad thicker. Apparently from birth every HEWC citizen is issued one of these cards. According to the informative brochure it is like the most holy of holy laws that this thing be with them at all times. It seems it’s practically a life sentence in jail for repeated violations of this law. It apparently is used as a national identity card, and used to access all government services, buildings, transport, etc. It’s as if it is you within the HEWC. All tourists, myself obviously included, are required to carry it with them at all times. In fact from what I gather it’s not uncommon to be required to be randomly asked present the card to a security officer, several times a day. I have already cleared out a space in my wallet. Somehow I don’t think I will be needing my membership card for ‘New Thinkers’.

Secondly, security on the flight is high. Following the incident in America a few years ago it is now HEWC policy that three fully armed guards protect each flight, and that the pilots be sealed off from the rest of the plane. One of them was quite friendly and after a brief conversation (I couldn’t help but notice the way he seemed to be constantly analysing everything I say – trying to determine if I was a threat.) I ask “Isn’t it a bit risky with those guns on board? If ya shot one, wouldn’t it depressurise the cabin? Or maybe even hit an engine?” With that he smiled, and then walked down the corridor, indicating I should follow. I quickly unbuckled and walked down the corroder with him to I got to the deserted ‘cargo’ section. He then unstrapped his gun and fired into the wall. After my heart stopped racing he laughed and explained that the bullets where a weaker form of the standard ceramic bullets that are normally used by the HEWC military. They where specifically designed to be unable to penetrate the metal that the cabin is made from, but is quite capable of easily blowing a grapefruit sized whole in a man. He then led me back to my seat, and encouraged me to ‘Enjoy the Cooler’.

My toasted sesame seed encrusted chicken has arrived, so Bon Appetite! I will write more tonight.

-E

P.S Billy thinks I want to see him stick carrots up his nose.