Maniaca
02-10-2004, 03:04
Omi Imo was the press secretary in Maniaca. All he really did all day was look through newspapers and watch shows all day to make sure everything was right. And in these times of peace, just about everything was right. Therefore, he was bored. But, as he was looking through the daily bundle of local newspapers he got every day, he noticed a multitude of articles that were weird, funny, or silly. He had seen these, but never really paid them any mind. He got an idea, and began snipping them out of the newspaper.
*two days later*
"Hello everyone, and welcome to Hometown Hilarity on MBS. I'm Omi Imo. As press secretary I read a bunch of local news articles every day, and I can't help but notice how many of them are really way out there. Let's enjoy some really strange stuff, from smalltowns across Maniaca. Take a look at this, from the Grayton Free Press, near Ranticok."
Girl Scouts sell tainted cookies, MIB investigation pending
GRAYTON: Numerous households in the Grayton area have reported in the past week that the Girl Scout cookies they had bought from door-to-door sellers were sprinkled with a narcotic. While forensic evidence proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the sprinkling on the cookies is definitely a highly addictive and dangerous narcotic, Girl Scout troop leaders and members of the Maniacan Girl Scout committee deny knowledge of this and any intention of causing harm to Grayton area residents. Said Jeneatte Garentyreleeson of troop 666, accused of selling tainted cookies, "I have no idea how these cookies got mixed in with our selling package, and I had no idea we were selling cookies that were tainted in this way. I can confirm however, that Girl Scouts of Maniaca is not behind this atrocity in anyway."
The Maniacan Investigative Board is looking into investigating this incident within the next month. "It is most likely a crime ring is behind this cookie scandal," said MIB press agent Terry Price. "Drugdealers cannot profit off of Manicans due to the self-induced incapacitation act. The only hope they have of making money within our borders is to get people hooked without them knowing it. This time it was with cookies. Although we have by no means drawn any conclusions yet, we do not believe the Girl Scouts of Maniaca are behind this, because they must have known we would find out." The date for MIB investigation is set at October 23rd. Needless to say, all Girl Scout cookie selling in the Grayton area will cease for an indefinite period of time.
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"How about that? I always knew there was something wrong with those Girl Scout cookies. But hey, this isn't even the weirdest article we have your you today. Take a male goose at this, from the Haterrut Times."
Telemarketers target toddlers 5-9 in hopes of less hangups
HATERRUT: It has been noted over the past few weeks that telemarketers have been targeting a new age demographic, toddlers ages five through nine. New products being offered over the telephone wire are "Beefco Bubblegum" and "Reynolds Motors Pogo Sticks" less likely to hang up immediately when asked to buy something over the phone. Also, toddlers can't resist items such as stamps, gum, mints, and lollipops. These items can easily be made for less than a dollar, and are being sold over the phone for triple profit.
When told about this tactic, parents John and Anna Turly were appalled. Anna Turly told us, "This is terrible. I hate to think that in two years, I'll have to put the phone up high so my son won't be able to reach it. I've explained to him that these companies only want your money, and the goods they sell are inferior, but he refuses to turn down those sacks of marbles you can get for 69 cents at the drugstore." A marketing agent for Plastic 'n' Things rubutted. "The items we're sellingare all being sold for less than five dollars. I don't think that's going to empty any college bank accounts. We're just trying to make a few extra dollars so we can pay our low-level workers a bit more, and give kids some good quality toys to play with. Is that a crime?"
Clearly there is nothing the government can do about this on any level, so it is a nuisance parents must deal with for the time being.
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"How about that? Back in the day, kids weren't even allowed to answer the phone. I guess times really have changed. Well, now that you've seen these articles, I'll now take your calls....
OOC: Go ahead and post as a caller. And please post as a caller, this is the third time I've typed all of this up.
*two days later*
"Hello everyone, and welcome to Hometown Hilarity on MBS. I'm Omi Imo. As press secretary I read a bunch of local news articles every day, and I can't help but notice how many of them are really way out there. Let's enjoy some really strange stuff, from smalltowns across Maniaca. Take a look at this, from the Grayton Free Press, near Ranticok."
Girl Scouts sell tainted cookies, MIB investigation pending
GRAYTON: Numerous households in the Grayton area have reported in the past week that the Girl Scout cookies they had bought from door-to-door sellers were sprinkled with a narcotic. While forensic evidence proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the sprinkling on the cookies is definitely a highly addictive and dangerous narcotic, Girl Scout troop leaders and members of the Maniacan Girl Scout committee deny knowledge of this and any intention of causing harm to Grayton area residents. Said Jeneatte Garentyreleeson of troop 666, accused of selling tainted cookies, "I have no idea how these cookies got mixed in with our selling package, and I had no idea we were selling cookies that were tainted in this way. I can confirm however, that Girl Scouts of Maniaca is not behind this atrocity in anyway."
The Maniacan Investigative Board is looking into investigating this incident within the next month. "It is most likely a crime ring is behind this cookie scandal," said MIB press agent Terry Price. "Drugdealers cannot profit off of Manicans due to the self-induced incapacitation act. The only hope they have of making money within our borders is to get people hooked without them knowing it. This time it was with cookies. Although we have by no means drawn any conclusions yet, we do not believe the Girl Scouts of Maniaca are behind this, because they must have known we would find out." The date for MIB investigation is set at October 23rd. Needless to say, all Girl Scout cookie selling in the Grayton area will cease for an indefinite period of time.
-------------------------------------------------
"How about that? I always knew there was something wrong with those Girl Scout cookies. But hey, this isn't even the weirdest article we have your you today. Take a male goose at this, from the Haterrut Times."
Telemarketers target toddlers 5-9 in hopes of less hangups
HATERRUT: It has been noted over the past few weeks that telemarketers have been targeting a new age demographic, toddlers ages five through nine. New products being offered over the telephone wire are "Beefco Bubblegum" and "Reynolds Motors Pogo Sticks" less likely to hang up immediately when asked to buy something over the phone. Also, toddlers can't resist items such as stamps, gum, mints, and lollipops. These items can easily be made for less than a dollar, and are being sold over the phone for triple profit.
When told about this tactic, parents John and Anna Turly were appalled. Anna Turly told us, "This is terrible. I hate to think that in two years, I'll have to put the phone up high so my son won't be able to reach it. I've explained to him that these companies only want your money, and the goods they sell are inferior, but he refuses to turn down those sacks of marbles you can get for 69 cents at the drugstore." A marketing agent for Plastic 'n' Things rubutted. "The items we're sellingare all being sold for less than five dollars. I don't think that's going to empty any college bank accounts. We're just trying to make a few extra dollars so we can pay our low-level workers a bit more, and give kids some good quality toys to play with. Is that a crime?"
Clearly there is nothing the government can do about this on any level, so it is a nuisance parents must deal with for the time being.
---------------------------------------
"How about that? Back in the day, kids weren't even allowed to answer the phone. I guess times really have changed. Well, now that you've seen these articles, I'll now take your calls....
OOC: Go ahead and post as a caller. And please post as a caller, this is the third time I've typed all of this up.