NationStates Jolt Archive

Mustard crisis announced. Minister of Condiments declares national emergency.

At an international press conference early Monday morning, the Sanwichian "Minister of Condiments” declared the recent mustard shortage to be a national emergency. He is quoted as saying, "Today is a sad day for the Empire. It grieves me that we should descend to such a sad state as this. I fear that if the shortage continues we might have to start rationing. Does anyone have any Grey Poupon?"

The Imperial foreign minister has sent out requests for international aid in ending this crisis.
"We've been talking with the Heinz Company, but their stuff just isn't as good as the real thing. Hopefully we'll get some kind of agreement by the end of the week."


Holy Empire applies to UN. Inquisition has major fit.

In a recent surprise turn of events, the Empire of the Most Holy Sandwich has applied for UN membership. The Ecclesiarch was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman told interviewers, "The Ecclesiarch is very excited about joining the UN. He's been talking about it ever since the application was sent in. Of course, he hasn't actually read any of the UN's policies, but he thinks membership would be a good idea anyways."

High Inquisitor Ruben was furious at the announcement.
"This is an outrage! How are my boys supposed to do their job if we can't even do a good bit of torture? Next they'll be outlawing the Rack. (This in reference to a gilded dishwashing rack and matching scrubber) Why I'll bet they eat their Sloppy Joes open faced and don't even bother to toast the bread!"


Inquisition announces start of 238th Grand Crusade. Subway goes underground.

Inquisitor Bacon and members of his retinue announced the start of the 238th grand crusade late this afternoon. "We've heard reports of heretical sandwich shops opening, and it's about time we put a stop to this menace,” stated the Inquisitor. "It's a sad day when Foreigners try to commercialize our religion, and I for one won't stand for it."

Squads of Cheddar Marines have been stationed throughout the empire and will conduct a door-to-door search for any illegal wrappers and heretical sandwiches. Rallies and big fridge revivals have started at the state sponsored delis. Already, over 250 loyal citizens have come forward with accusations and more are expected in the months ahead.

"It's important that we keep our beliefs pure and free from outside intrusion. I'd hate to think of the horrible fate that would befall our glorious empire were we to allow this foul treason to go unchecked.” one deli goer told our reporter. "Places like Subway and Gorons treat the great work like nothing more than another product, and that just isn't right."

UN Membership Confirmed. Ecclesiarch declares national day of celebration.

At exactly 09:51 this morning, a telegram arrived at the Imperial palace confirming the Holy Empire of the Most Holy Sandwich’s acceptance into the UN. Ecclesiarch Apoul Pious II was overjoyed at the news, and promptly declared today as a day of national celebration and feasting. "The UN likes to ban things almost as much as I do," Pious proclaimed. "I think we'll get along just fine."

"The Ecclesiarch is very happy." said an official spokesman, "He's even considering exempting foreigners from the sandwich purity act of 1968 as a gesture of good will."
The act mentioned forbids the eating and making of certain heretical sandwich-like foods such as tacos, hotdogs, and cheese crackers.

Representatives of the Inquisition could not be reached for comment.
International reaction to this news is unknown at this time.


Ecclesiarch bans elections. "It's a big farce anyways." says Cardinal.

Yesterday afternoon, an Ecclesiarchy representative announced a ban on elections. Cardinal Marius Bologna met with representatives of the press and gave the following statement. "The Ecclesiarch and the Council of Cardinals has decided that election is a total farce and a waste of time. Besides, we're a theocracy, so it's not like we need them anyways. Either take it on faith that the True Sandwich will guide you leaders, or take a hike."


Crime rate at all time low. National Security Minister gives credit to Inquisition and Cheddar Marines.

Recent studies have shown that the crime rate within the Empire is at an all time low. The Minister of National Security gives credit for this to the Inquisition and the Cheddar marines.

"Yep, there's nothing like having an 8' tall guy in yellow power armor on every street corner to make folks think twice about breaking the law. That and the Inquisition's little crusades make sure that things stay nice and peaceful. I think I may see if the Grand Inquisitor would to make them a yearly event, like the fair or something of that sort. We could even have rides, booths with games, and maybe even some vendors. And a dunking booth, We have to have a dunking booth...”

The current crusade, which began yesterday has been met with great enthusiasm by the populace, and will in all likelihood result in the arrest of numerous criminals in addition to the expected heretics. Already two shoplifters, a litterbug, and three jaywalkers have been apprehended and currently await trial. More than three hundred accusations have been made, and are pending investigation by Inquisitorial henchmen.

Empire resigns from UN. Ecclesiarch declares International body to be "corrupting influence."

In an unheard of move, the Ecclesiarch of the Holy Empire of the Most holy sandwich today declared the UN and its member to be anathema.

"I am shocked and appalled that a body of nations so heretical and so disgustingly wicked could ever exist. Had I known the truth, I would have never have allowed this grand empire to join such a decadent and corrupt organization. Surely, such men can only be the minions of the false Hoagie."

When asked whether or not he had actually bothered to read any of the UN's resolutions, a squad of Cheddar marines was called out, and proceeded to order the room to be cleared. Cameras and tapes were confiscated, and
Several media agents were handled roughly.

The renewed hostility towards outside influence was reportedly brought on when one of the Cardinals finally explained the meaning of the UN ban of religious persecution. Reportedly, His holiness thought It was a ban on Relish Persecution.

The Grand Inquisitor responded to the decree by openly gloating.
"Oh ho ho ho! I knew it was only a matter of time before this happened. Those foreigners are out to destroy our way of life, and it's high time the Ecclesiarch realized it. Now my boys can pursue the Grand Crusade without any outside interference. And I may just go with that idea for a dunking booth..."

OOC: Most excellent sillyness! I approve.

This worries me on many levels...

*sneaks up on his fridge and checks... just in case... *

Cute - funny - keep it going :)

You need mustard you say-the american kind or the Helmans british mustard kind? (British mustard will burn your tongue off.)

Army announces adoption BLT-9000 as new standard weapon.

In a press briefing this afternoon, General Sherman Custard announced that the new BLT-900 rifle would be adopted as the standard issue weapon of the Sandwichian military. The rifle replaces the aging M-76 "Meatball".
The BLT, which stands for "Ballistics Micro Targeting", is already quite popular with those units assigned to test it.

"The boys just love it," said General Custard, "Hell, if I was to make a last stand, I'd rather have a BLT that the ol' Meatball."

The weapon's acronym refers to a new targeting system, which make the BLT-900 150% more accurate than its predecessor. The rifle's precise specs are still classified. Reportedly, uses a 15mm explosive caseless round, and features an integrated targeting computer and detachable grenade launcher.


Cheddar marines accused of censoring International media.

Late yesterday, a foreign reporter accused the Imperial Cheddar marines of Censorship. The allegations stem from the alleged destruction of the Reporter's camera when a marine crushed the lens with one hand.

"I was trying to get some footage for a story on human rights violations by the Inquisition, and this huge guy in power armor just walks up puts his hand over and breaks my camera. That was a five thousand dollar lens!" said reporter James Henrys. "The media should be able to go where we want to. Otherwise, how are people supposed to know the truth?!"

"Mister Henrys is mistaken. There is no truth save that of the True Sandwich." stated Brother Sgt Gaius Flavius, who was interviewed briefly this morning, "He should be thankful that Brother Augustus was gracious enough not to execute him for espionage. Rest assured that this matter will be dealt with quickly."


Cheddar marines raid hotel housing foreign media. Citizens overjoyed by eviction of newsies.

As a part of the ongoing Crusade, two squads of Imperial Cheddar Marines engaged in a predawn raid on a hotel housing numerous foreign media agents.
Preliminary reports indicate that over one hundred reporters and cameramen were arrested and detained, and that well over 3000000 olives in video and photographic equipment were destroyed. Also found, were several Quisnos and subway wrappers. Government officials declined to comment, saying only that the raid was necessary to ensure the purity and piety of good citizens everywhere.

Witnesses described the raid as being inspiring, and referred to the marines as "Angels of the True Sandwich's righteous vengeance."

OOC: At this point, they need whatever mustard you can supply. Telegram me or post on International Incidents, and we'll talk. :D

Youth demands right to rock. Inquisituion readies catapults.

Over the weekend, a large protest rally was held by a youth organization calling itself B.A.M.F. (Bring Adolescant musical freedom) was held in Rye square. The protesters demanded the right to listen to uncensored foreign music.
"Like, it's our right to be free. We should be able to listen to anything we want, not just disco and polka. " raved one protester.

The protesters were eventually rounded up by Cheddar marines and are being held on a variety of charges, including Unlawul protest, loitering, disturbing the peace, and whining in public.


Ecchlesiarchy announces new childrens program to air on state television.

The Imperial Broadcasting Association held a press briefing this morning announcing the start of new children's program called "Mr. Sammich and friends." The program, which features a talking sandwich and a supporting cast of lovable pupptes, is designed to teach phonics, counting, moral values, and religious intolerance.

"We've seen the effectiveness of childrens programming in other nations, and we're hoping to bring that benifit to our own children" stated Ingram Ham, the creator of Mr Sammich. "We've done everything we can to make this show a high a quality as possible. We're all hoping this will be a big success. In fact, the military is looking into the weapons potential of these programs. Just imagine if they were used to jam enemy communications, or broadcast as propaganda..."

Mr Sammich and Friends is set to air on weekdays from 10:00 to 10:30am on the Imperial Broadcasting network. Viewing is manditory for all children under the age of seven.