Simpsons Springfield
16-09-2004, 22:51
It's that time again in Springfield, USA also known as Liberty-Ville, 9/11! That's right; it's mayoral elections in Springfield and at least 3% of the populace is ready to ROCK!!! HOW ABOUT YOU???
*long silence followed by crickets*
Let's get things rollin' by introducing this year's candidates who will be vying for and manipulating your vote! LET'S GET READY TO MUDSLING!
Our first candidate is one hell of a sly guy; undisputed champion of the world... ergo Springfield... the incumbent Diamond JOE QUIMBY!!
*epileptic-inducing lights start flashing randomly and several hundred donkeys painted blue flood the arena*
"Ahh, hello Springfield. It's to be here-a. And I know-a that's you'sa gonna vote for me, eh? So I'm gonna tell you aboot myself, eh? Top of the morning to ye laddies and lassies -- and furthermore, Ich bin ein Berliner! Como estas, mis senors y senoritas de padres y del Espirtu santo! Hey you! Over there! I'll see YOU after the speech.
*Quimby winks twice at the young MALE intern*
"Here's, uh, my, uh, speech-a. K? L-O-L. I'll start off by addressing this year's most paramount issue. The dwindling Springfield tire fire. I propose a new 50-million dollar tax to raise money to buy more used tires from the Japanese to throw into the tire fire. Not only will this outsourcing to Japan create more American jobs, but it will ensure that each and every American will have LOWER taxes. That's right: taxes will be slashed by 50% in my next term and public spending will be increased by 100% in such pinnacle areas such as anti-smoking campaigns, government subsidies to tobacco companies, my voluptuous diet, enforcing EPA policies such as less rats in our sewers and more rats on our streets, and revolving-door prisons. I promise as your next Presidet -- erm, Prime Minister -- erm, Caesar Augustus -- erm, Celine Dion -- erm, Mayor -- to be as irresponsible and distrustful as I always have been. Change is bad as the Republicans will say. Well, I for one, will not change. So vote for me. And if you give me ample campaign funds, I'll give you a tax break -- as long as you give me insider info on the stock market and on ivory sales in... hehehehe. Thank you Shelbyville and remember: Vote Quimby!
*bodyguard whispers into Quimby's ear*
"Springfield: Vote Quimby!"
Our next candidate is as patriotic as you can get: he supports bans on anti-war protests and the ACLU; he supports lower taxes for the upper... erm... entire Springfieldian populace... he's rootin'-tootin' Texan conservative fat-cat big-business owner Billy Bob Hornycunt. Let's listen in.
"Friends, Sprinfielders, countrymen: lend me your ears. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one penis to rise to dissolve the sexual bands which have connected them with another...
*this goes on for forty-minutes*
"And so, it is my intent to sprinkle cocaine and cannibus onto open cuts of the prostrates of the accused until they confess. Keeping America safe: that's me, Billy Bob Hornycunt. Here's my plan for education: we castrate children who do not score 50 or above on tests. Then we kick them out of the public school system and force them to transfer to a private school so they can get a proper education. This of course means we will be able to ease government spending on our children and divert more to developing weapons of mass destruction. Poor people should be shot. I believe we should reduce the government's size and stay clear of people's lives. And that's why I'll be banning abortion, gay marriage, and the use of recreational drugs immediately on my inauguration. Thank you Springfield and please, for your own good - vote Republican. Black power! Yee-haw!"
*Billy Bob Hornycunt pulls out two revolvers and fires randomly into the air, while dancing*
Wow, that was so inspirational. I merely felt my heart stop and my left arm go numb. But then again, my cholesterol is at 500. Here's our third candidate, Libertarian Party member and proud supporter of privatizing everything, I.P. Freely from Overused, Joe-kes.
"Hi everybody!
*two viewers reply in cohesion, "Hi Dr. Ian Parkinson Freely the Third!"*
"I'd just like to say this: those two government lackeys before me are douche bags! Can I have an amen?!
*an idle "Amen!" bellows*
"Firstly, I'd like to tackle the most important issue at hand: the over regulation of everything in our every day lives. We need to privatize everything: hospitals, homeless shelters, the army, the police force, the school system, the census, our prisons, and NASA among other things.
"I think it's pretty clear that competing private corporations would be much coherent at protecting the populace and regulating their own personal armies than those government bureaucrats down in Washington! The government is brainwashing our children to become a bunch of flag-waving inbreds! We must stop them before it's too late. I believe that a wealthy corporation with its own private curriculum can teach ten times as better than our greedy government populated by corporate puppets. Who's to say that the government is any better at teaching children about the Battle of New Orleans than a rich corporate school is at teaching children about "Spunky-Munky Towels?" Get the government out of our lives!!
"My second issue I'd like to address is the worrying concern over our civil liberties being curtailed by the current administration. I believe in protection of freedom of spee.."
*he's cut off by the announcer*
Well, that's all folks!
*rap music plays*
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/alman9898/random2/decision2004.gif
*long silence followed by crickets*
Let's get things rollin' by introducing this year's candidates who will be vying for and manipulating your vote! LET'S GET READY TO MUDSLING!
Our first candidate is one hell of a sly guy; undisputed champion of the world... ergo Springfield... the incumbent Diamond JOE QUIMBY!!
*epileptic-inducing lights start flashing randomly and several hundred donkeys painted blue flood the arena*
"Ahh, hello Springfield. It's to be here-a. And I know-a that's you'sa gonna vote for me, eh? So I'm gonna tell you aboot myself, eh? Top of the morning to ye laddies and lassies -- and furthermore, Ich bin ein Berliner! Como estas, mis senors y senoritas de padres y del Espirtu santo! Hey you! Over there! I'll see YOU after the speech.
*Quimby winks twice at the young MALE intern*
"Here's, uh, my, uh, speech-a. K? L-O-L. I'll start off by addressing this year's most paramount issue. The dwindling Springfield tire fire. I propose a new 50-million dollar tax to raise money to buy more used tires from the Japanese to throw into the tire fire. Not only will this outsourcing to Japan create more American jobs, but it will ensure that each and every American will have LOWER taxes. That's right: taxes will be slashed by 50% in my next term and public spending will be increased by 100% in such pinnacle areas such as anti-smoking campaigns, government subsidies to tobacco companies, my voluptuous diet, enforcing EPA policies such as less rats in our sewers and more rats on our streets, and revolving-door prisons. I promise as your next Presidet -- erm, Prime Minister -- erm, Caesar Augustus -- erm, Celine Dion -- erm, Mayor -- to be as irresponsible and distrustful as I always have been. Change is bad as the Republicans will say. Well, I for one, will not change. So vote for me. And if you give me ample campaign funds, I'll give you a tax break -- as long as you give me insider info on the stock market and on ivory sales in... hehehehe. Thank you Shelbyville and remember: Vote Quimby!
*bodyguard whispers into Quimby's ear*
"Springfield: Vote Quimby!"
Our next candidate is as patriotic as you can get: he supports bans on anti-war protests and the ACLU; he supports lower taxes for the upper... erm... entire Springfieldian populace... he's rootin'-tootin' Texan conservative fat-cat big-business owner Billy Bob Hornycunt. Let's listen in.
"Friends, Sprinfielders, countrymen: lend me your ears. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one penis to rise to dissolve the sexual bands which have connected them with another...
*this goes on for forty-minutes*
"And so, it is my intent to sprinkle cocaine and cannibus onto open cuts of the prostrates of the accused until they confess. Keeping America safe: that's me, Billy Bob Hornycunt. Here's my plan for education: we castrate children who do not score 50 or above on tests. Then we kick them out of the public school system and force them to transfer to a private school so they can get a proper education. This of course means we will be able to ease government spending on our children and divert more to developing weapons of mass destruction. Poor people should be shot. I believe we should reduce the government's size and stay clear of people's lives. And that's why I'll be banning abortion, gay marriage, and the use of recreational drugs immediately on my inauguration. Thank you Springfield and please, for your own good - vote Republican. Black power! Yee-haw!"
*Billy Bob Hornycunt pulls out two revolvers and fires randomly into the air, while dancing*
Wow, that was so inspirational. I merely felt my heart stop and my left arm go numb. But then again, my cholesterol is at 500. Here's our third candidate, Libertarian Party member and proud supporter of privatizing everything, I.P. Freely from Overused, Joe-kes.
"Hi everybody!
*two viewers reply in cohesion, "Hi Dr. Ian Parkinson Freely the Third!"*
"I'd just like to say this: those two government lackeys before me are douche bags! Can I have an amen?!
*an idle "Amen!" bellows*
"Firstly, I'd like to tackle the most important issue at hand: the over regulation of everything in our every day lives. We need to privatize everything: hospitals, homeless shelters, the army, the police force, the school system, the census, our prisons, and NASA among other things.
"I think it's pretty clear that competing private corporations would be much coherent at protecting the populace and regulating their own personal armies than those government bureaucrats down in Washington! The government is brainwashing our children to become a bunch of flag-waving inbreds! We must stop them before it's too late. I believe that a wealthy corporation with its own private curriculum can teach ten times as better than our greedy government populated by corporate puppets. Who's to say that the government is any better at teaching children about the Battle of New Orleans than a rich corporate school is at teaching children about "Spunky-Munky Towels?" Get the government out of our lives!!
"My second issue I'd like to address is the worrying concern over our civil liberties being curtailed by the current administration. I believe in protection of freedom of spee.."
*he's cut off by the announcer*
Well, that's all folks!
*rap music plays*
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v211/alman9898/random2/decision2004.gif