NationStates Jolt Archive

The following is an excerpt from Resi-owned CNN News Channel, played on all nations that would air it at approximately 12:30 pm GMT.

"...and that's why you should never play chicken with a garbage disposal and your hand.
"On to more serious news, it has long sense been scientifically proven that products made by corporations within the nation of Knootoss may leave with diseases due to lax standards in manufacturing. In fact, just forty years ago a herpies outbreak was found to be connected to Pink Bunny Cola, one of Knootoss' cheif exports. Joining us today is Dr. Fillip Jeremy, world-renouned health official and creator of his patented Dr. Jeremy No-Food-Diet. Doctor?"
"It's a pleasure to be here, Dave."
"Indeed. Why don't you start by telling us about your findings with Knootossian produce?"
"Well Dave, I was experimenting a while back, trying to find out which foods had the least food value so that I could use them in one of my new diets, and I decided to test the foods by the nation they were grown in. Different nations breed different types of, say, bananas the same way that some nations breed different types of dogs. A banana is always a banana, but certain bananas have different contents of certain ingredients, based on where they're from, what they were grown in, etcetera. Anyway, I tested various fruits from various nations, and I found something very shocking. Apparently a good 2% of fruits and vegitables raised on Knootossian soil contain traces of a deadly nerve toxin, most likely due to contaminated water being used on the plants. Also, 10% of their fruits and vegitables tested positive for DDT, a pesticide that is harmful to all known forms of life."
"Horrifying. What are the effects of eating these tainted foods?"
"Well, the nerve toxin will build up in your brain over a period of time, eventually producing either a cancer or just generally killing off massive ammounts of nerve cells. The DDT builds up in your system, too, but once it reaches certain quantities it can cause blindness and sterility."
"So what do you recommend the world does about this, doctor?"
"Well, we should start by boycotting Knootossian products (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=354899). Remember, it isn't enough to boycott their produce, as food products that come out of Knootoss are usually made with fruit found there. Once enough people use this as a way to tell Knootoss that we are unhappy with their lack of quality control, they will be forced to do something about it."
"A good, solid plan. Thanks for joining us today, doctor."
"No, thank you, Dave."
------------------------END------------------------

((OOC: This broadcast is not necessarily true, but then again none of you have any real reason to believe that it isn't. ;) ))

Statement by the State-Secretariat of Agriculture
“There is no reason to believe that any of the recent allegations staged by the Resi Corporation are true. The DDR enforces high standards of quality control on its products and consumers need not be worried that anything is wrong with them. Consumers should not worry; the DDR industries have a longstanding reputation of delivering high-quality products to their own nation and to the world. This would not be the first time that the Resi Corporation has issued false claims as a way of gaining a competitive advantage.

However as we wish to ensure the high quality of food in our nation we have asked Dr. Fillip Jeremy to hand over the results of his research and we have authorised the start of an independent investigation into their claims. The State-Secretariat of Agriculture takes all claims regarding to food safety very serious.”

Remarks by the Knootian state-secretary of Agriculture in parliament
“...Yes. This is why we have launched an independent inquiry.

However, Mr. Chairman, I would like to point out the many factual errors in the Resi CNN programme. Referring to our people as ‘Knootossians’ is the most obvious one, of course, but perhaps not the most relevant.

That our products have “diseases” due to lax standards in manufacturing can be flatly disproven. They are referring to an incident forty years ago when the Resi corporation combined its launch of a Pink Bunny Cola ripoff – called Spazz cola which also featured a Pink Bunny - with a slander campaign that was settled out of court. We know today that Pink Bunny Cola is a huge commercial success drunk by billions of people worldwide from Haven to the Reich, every day. To suggest that there is anything wrong with the product would imply that all these billions of people would have some kind of disease is ridiculous. I for one have not heard of Spazz the coked up bunny since that incident, so the consumers are on our side on that too. I suspect that these claims are based on something similar, however as I said Mr. Chairman we are looking into it.

Furthermore I am somewhat surprised that the latest slander campaign targets a somewhat strange sector. As you all know, we are a big net importer of fruits and vegetables. Please do the math with me. Our agricultural sector only is less then one percent of our GDP, with fruits and vegetables being only about 7,5% percent of the whole agricultural sector of which only 8 percent is destined for exports or processed for products that may be exported. Of this number, only two percent is said to be diseased.

First of all, this means that the claim that food products that come out of Knootoss are usually made with fruit ‘found ‘ here is flatly untrue. Many developing nations in warm climates can grow fruits and vegetables for comparatively lower prices and this is why my state-secretariat has never viewed it as an industry where we should strive to be competitive. Second of all, it makes any claim that Knootian products as a whole are unreliable absolutely ridiculous.

Again, I remind you that the Resi Corporation has an international reputation of trying to denounce its competitors
to gain a competitive advantage. I spoke with several foreigners about this incident this morning and as one of them remarked: “Resi never was good with facts”..."

Dyelli Beybi recieved the 'documentary' with it's usual enthusiam for anything which seemed to be damning of foreign produced goods, immediately airing it on the state owned KTV (Klatchian Television) a channel available throughout most of Klatch on sattelite TV. Oddly enough it was the only television station in Dyelli Beybi that was even vaguely impartial, although in this case it seemed to have lowered itself a little.

The 'Documentary' was immediately followed by adverts for Dyelli Beybian owned "Helmut Cola" a cheap rip-off of coca-cola, which was well known to contain traces of plutonium as well as being 80% alcohol.

...cheap rip-off of coca-cola, which was well known to contain traces of plutonium as well as being 80% alcohol.

I fail to see how you drink is different from the real product.

Somewhere in Alcona and Hubris (After seeing it on KTV) two men at a pub discuss Pink Bunny Cola.

"Ah didn't we ban Pink Bunny Cola...."

"No, tests were launched because someone thought it contained narcotics or illegal stimulants or something..."

"Oh, so it is banned..."

"Not after we joined Kist..."

"then why have I never seen it in stores..."

"Pink Bunny Cola? It has a Bunny on the can, a pink Bunny...it looks like a demented Vampir Hassen."

"Oh, so then I guess sales are sort of slow..."

"Yeah, they need to remarket it for the Alconian Isles...putting a bunny on the can that is pink is just sort of well....bad mojo. Actually it is rumored to increase your attractiveness to a Vampir Hassen"

"Wait, it makes them want to find you, as in hunt you down when there is other game..."

"That is what is rumored..."

"Ah, yeah no to Pink Bunny Cola..."

"Pssst...I gots whatchya need right here, boyo."

The broken whisper lanced from the soot-streaked alley, the shadowy shape beckoning to the hungry souls.

"I gots the good stuff if you gots the coin."

Exchanges in the darkness, blood money for death. The shadow slinks back, reaping what it has sown. The hungry soul feeds, drinking his dark destiny.

The rush. The high. The need...for Pink Bunny Cola.