NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC: Ok, with all the attempts to make a NS encyclopaedia that come about, I thought it would be rather good to do a (hopefully) funny one, that sort of delved into the more... interesting facts about your nation. The ones that make them stand out from the rest, the ones that people visiting your nation would like to know, would want to know, and would need to know if they weren't going to come home without several of their major internal organs. Also, since most NS encyclopaedias will end up incomplete due to the nature of this game we play, it seemed like a good idea, since the H2G2 has never claimed to be a) authoritative, b) complete, and c) written whilst sober.

Because I'd prefer the NS H2G2 not to have hundreds of posts in totally random order from anyone interested behind the main part of it (although that might be intriguing...), I basically made this thread to keep all the various posts of information that anyone would like to add, so I can make a clean, crisp, H2G2 for you all to enjoy. :) Put in anything you want, the more obscure, the more interesting, the funnier, the better. The only things I really, really don't want are descriptions of weaponry, or army size, or related things - I don't think a hitchhiker is going to care about the exact calibre of the weapon that shot them, just how to get away from it as quickly as possible, preferrably with all bones intact. ;)

And remember,

DON'T PANIC!

I am so cool you could store a slab of meat in me for a month, I am so hip I have trouble seeing past my pelvis so would you please move it before I TAG it!

How's this for an inital entry:

Nation: The Protectorate of Starblaydia
Population: Increases by around million humans per day, month, year or age, depending on your timeframe.

Unfortunately not a country protected by people wielding lightsabers, The Protectorate of Starblaydia (or Starblaydia as is is known, for an unkown reason) is a proud nation with a lot of history. For the average Interstellar Hitchhiker the history is totally irrelevant, and the pride merely useful for hitching purposes.

The phrase "You're a handsome fellow" is, like on most planets, is warmly received by those possessing a Y Chromosome and can be used to gain access to most forms of transport. A warning, however, as this phrase can lead to trouble or otherwise if the recipient is either rather macho and called Nigel or limp-wristed and called Tarquin or Rupert.

For the humans less proud of their appearance, a few Credits will grease the wheels nicely. Unfortunately the Starblaydi Credit is of their own design and not compatible with any standard Sci-Fi Credit-based Currency, seems to be quite easily replicated by drawing the correct faces on small green pieces of paper.

A race of Sub-humans, known as Dwarves, also inhabit the land. They are usually under four point six feet, wearing a large ginger-coloured beard, perhaps to cover spotty chins. A measurement of feet is, of course, an arbitrary scale, and it is considered very uncool to take off your shoe or sandal and measure how many of your feet high a person is. Remember: All Dwarves are short, but not all shorties are Dwarves.

Special Towel Uses:
1) For waving about the head at one of the many sports events, to prevent the bearer from being torn limb from limb by a large group of burly men saying: "You're not from round 'ere, You're asking fer a fight, aren't ya?" (Press 'Listen' for a sample recording of this statement)

2) For laying on at one of the many sandy beaches, particularly for those with sand or water allergies.

#tag#

Might I just add that general, as well as nation-specific ones, are very welcome.

And damn you taggers to hell. Post stuff, damn thee. :p

Visitors to the Disputed Territories of the River Cam should expect to be very confused. Militant bands of insurgent lemurs armed with weapons given to them by door to door insurance salesmen have a habit of attacking small children and the occasional roving band of similarly armed platypi may attack anyone if provoked. Each group may be pacified by gifts of bathrobes, shrubberies, and ammunition. The human population of the River Cam are well acquainted with these rogue bands, but simply assume that they are somebody else's problem. Do not mention either rogue band. They have long since learned to ignore them and will not know what you are talking about. The water is not safe to drink in any part of the country. There is a group of technicians who claim to be finding a solution, but when approached on this issue will only tell you, "It used to work. We are working on it." Having been recently threatened by both dragons and a group who call themselves the people of the night, the people in these territories are considering a wall. Visit while you still can!

:tag:

Introduction

NationStates is big. Mind-bogglingly big. You might think that it's a long way down the street to the pharmacist, but that's just peanuts to NationStates.

(with apologies to Douglas Adams)

The Republic of Federated Provinces:

Here is a short list of things not to do in the republic on risk of offending us and for your own safety....

1. Don’t stab us in our eyes with forks

2. Don’t assassinate our political and religious leaders without permission

3. Don’t hail a cab by running into an oncoming driver or smearing cheeses on his windshield, do so by calling the company or whistling

4. Don’t smile at a lady between the ages of 78 and 80 as it is considered a formal proposal of marriage

5. Don’t drink our mercury

6. Don't advertise with a sandwhich board, we are having a shortage; if you must advertise do with flyers

7. Don’t put salt in your eye

8. Don’t kick our penguins

9. Don’t forget to tip your alarm clock

10. Don’t lick our penguins

11. Don’t pet stray balloons

12. Don’t try to wear our shoes if you’re 30 feet tall, they are not designed for such large feet (you may wear our shoes if you are 30 feet tall, but with normal sized feet.)

13. Don’t forget, Tuesdays are “toe squeeze night”, be on your guard

14. Never dive into a pool because all pools are only up to 5 feet deep as mandated by the “don’t build deep swimming pools because short people will get depressed and shoot your bears and drink your fruit punch and you’ll wish you didn’t have a grandma and you wear a strange scarf and you sell insurance and you crash dirigibles” Act passed by congress

15. Don’t store burritos in your socks

16. Don’t use public transportation

17. Don’t become a resident illegally or something

18. Don’t steal our Crown Ovenmit from Central Tower; it’s the only thing the Prime Minister has to remove his pan with when he’s making cookies, to steal it would be considered an act of war

19. Don’t rollerskate upsidedown

20. Don’t give money to our homeless, helping people is considered an insult in the republic

21. Don’t wear a shirt proclaiming your nation of origin in public on risk of being charged with treason

22. Don’t rhyme in public, it only confuses people

23. Don’t spit on our flag or onions

24. And Finally, our most important “Do Not”…Do not leave a path of destruction wherever you go forcing our military to use it’s full power against you until they realize their attempts are futile and a giant moth comes to defeat you

Al-Imvadjah, The Jingoistic States of
Population: Changes constantly, over 650 million

A space nation, it is not connected with the Sol System in any way, and is proud of it. If a travelor is (un)lucky enough to manage to sneak a ride to its planet, Nonistan, he or she will be suprised by the many things he or she could do. Lucky enough to sneak a ride because there are no commercial transport routes to Nonistan, nor is there any trade to speak of.

Once there, a hitchiker would do well to see the beautiful mountians, and to explore the numerous caves.
Blah blah blah...

there is a limited a ount of space available on the sub-ethra hitchhiker's guide, so, as Al-Imvadjah will likely not be a popular destination for hitchhikers, I have decidedto provide a short entry:

Hard to get to, bad weather, beautiful mountians and caves, pristine wilderness, won't be allowed to leave.

OCC:I've been waiting for this all my life.

IC:The WatchGaurd of Ravea
Population:2 Billion

Visitors to Ravea should expect some lean, healthy cuisine, warm, friendly people, and Mimes. There is just 1 requirement that is stressed in Ravea: DO NOT SHOOT THE MIMES! They are the most Honored "race" in Ravea, next to the Raven itself. Also, while it is not illigal, the public "smaking around" of polotitions is not reccomended either.

The terrain of Ravea is mostly mountions, plains, forest, and desert. Beware of the numerous, bloodthirsty creatures that roam the woods known as "Pikmin." They will eat your soul.

Also, there is no alcohol in Ravea, save for the accasinol Galactic-Pan Gargle-Blaster, which you can specially order. Luckily, the hospitals in Ravea are also top-notch. Crime is non-existent, and people are encouraged to dance in the nude.

Dont forget your towel.

Our main attractions is our campgrounds, well-populated in the spring and fall. Bring plenty of insect repellent.

In Temme, crime is totally unheard of. So you'll be pretty safe. We have the following laws that you need to keep in mind.

1.) No premarital sex or extramarital sex.
2.) No Britney-Spearsish outfits.
3.) No trying to sell anything except lemonade.
4.) In the southern area, alcohol is frowned upon. In the north, they are more liberal, and they allow it.

EDIT: I don't even know why Temme is in here, we've banned cars.

The Soviet Democratic Empire of The Island of Rose:

The Island of Rose is a horny people, known for having sex when they can. Ironically the nudists are the most Christian, and really the most conservative. Crime is non existant, for they are cut off if you will.

Rush Hour is a bad time to come, for everybody is armed with ridiciously huge guns that some say compensate for other things.

The only virgin on the Island is our own President, Sergei Ilyanov.

If you come, remember to have an open mind, and a 9mm in your pocket...

((OOC: Bleh, my factbook in my sig is full of interesting facts, you can always post it here...))

The Unholy Realms of Cerannus(Christoniac)

Useful facts:
1:NEVER get injured in Christoniac unless you are extremely rich and powerful, as the doctors notoriously overcharge and due to that fact they are some of the richest people in the Realms!

2:If you are foreign and are attending a local pub or bar be sure to wrap a bright pink towel around your head to avoid being involved in a bar fight while numerous men yell "Hey you,yeah i'm talking to you...Don't look at me like that RAAAAAARRRRGGH"

3:If looking to start a business find the local prison and buy some prisoners they will be "Cut off" you will have to get there fast because if the cells fill up the whole prison is executed and begins to fill up again.

4:If you have slaves all you need to do is find the badlands and set up a mining business local laws permits radioacative/deadly materials to be handled with out safety suits.

5:DON'T insult anyone as they are permitted to carry weapons and you'll pay on friday night..

6:Friday night is brawl night when enemys are ALLOWED to duke it out on the streets without punishment each brawl must be overlooked by a guard.

7:Children are allowed all the liberties of adults(which is not that great).

8:public nudity is a crime punishable by death.

9:pornography is encouaraged as art.

10:NO Balloons at all if found with balloons you may be arrested and executed.

11:Former criminals property are great bargains.

12:If you give someone a lemon they may take it as a proposal of marriage and lemon juice by itself can be a challenge of a duel.

Nation: The Holy Order of Sketch
Population: uncountable masses of very unhappy and disgruntled, but unwilling to express it for the fear of excurciating pain and most likely, equally painful death, citizens

Dispite the implications of its title, Sketch is neither holy nor a charitable place of any sort. When visiting, and we highly recommend not visiting, take great care not to let others know that you are not currently employed or otherwise on a non-renewable income. Otherwise, roving bands of enforcer squads, whom are comprised of rather nasty looking bruts carrying even nastier looking instruments of pain-dealing, will inevitable swoop down and carry off the hapless fool, who failed to heed this warning, to a detention center, doomed to a lifetime of hard labor. If one were to avoid immenient capture by roving state sponsored gangs, it would be worthwhile to note that the citizens of this wholly unpleasant place don't respond well unless spoken to through an authoritative sounding loudspeaker. You can find loudspeakers scattered throughout the land of Sketch, but getting your hands on one may prove to be a challenge. It is recommended that you cup your hands and try shouting very forcefully into a passerbyer's ear instead. The problem with this is that it will invariable attract the attention of certain aforementioned brutish characters, which will result in your untimely, and very unpleasant, incarceration. Aside from the lifetime of hard labor you will serve as a result, a visit to Sketch may prove to be a rewarding experience for those who wish to to be told that they are experiencing a "rewarding experience" while breaking big rocks into smaller rocks. Oh, and did we mention that Sketch possesses nothing which would be worth risking life and limb to see?

On the outside of Techon space rest a giant sign that says "EAT AT JOE'S"...
...ironically Joe's was put out of buisness years ago.
There are many attractions to Techon, one of which being the Falumpa that is able to snort tourists through its trunk.

(OOC: Will do more later)

The Rogue Nation of Glyxork

Glyxork is a lovely looking nation populated with an increasing number of gambling children. Perhaps the second oddest tidbit is the fact that the entire nation exists, in its entirety, as a separate entity found smack dab in the middle of the universe. Hitchhikers will note that it is estimated to be a few times cheaper than the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, but at least a little more expensive than the Big Bang Café.

Alcohol of all time periods and flavors are readily available, but be prepared to be whisked off to one of the nations plentiful ‘hospitals’ when you are found wasted in the street. Crime, however, is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Privacy, however, isn’t an option. Everything you say and every move you make is caught by at least three recording devices. In fact, a new hit TV series run by the enormous government conglomerates the best of these into the high stream garbage Glyxorkians watch these days.

Glyxork’s national currency is the snowflake, which seems to be composed of a substance that makes things wet when combined with any small amount of heat. Also, it has a tendancy to fall from the sky as a form of natural precipitation, which accounts for Glyxork’s tendancy to have inflationary outbursts during the wintertime. Citizens are completely unaffected by the value of the snowflake, since most financial transactions revolve around some sort of simple bartering system.

Most hitchhikers would find this all a load of dingoes kidneys, so all you really need to know is summed up into this simple phrase: free towels.

Like all vikings, we are a kind of gentle folk... Until you talk to any one of us of course. We are currently facing a problem with the Black Yak gang, a troop of vikings riding black yaks, wreaking destruction across our country.

To kill a yak is a declaration of war. Don't touch our yaks. We like our yaks.

Wearing a horned hat is mandatory, and on wednesdays it is national law that you must sever the thumb of a tourist, the person with the most severed thumbs wins a prise at the end of the day, the current record holder is Bjorn Thumb-Stealer of the roaming yak clans...

Don't touch our yaks.

the nomadic peoples of Viking Yak Herders are descended from the nomadic peoples of Viking Sheep herders, a gentler nation by far, but not as fun.

Do not ride our yaks unless you are a viking.

We aknowledge military alliances with the theocracy of mystic vikings and angered vikings.

All immigrants must marry one of our yaks legally for entry.

*Imagines the late Peter Jones doing a voice-over*

Currently known as The College Students of Mcvinsterland this is a massive, safe nation, located in the somewhat exclusive region of 0000000000level of flykilling in the more unfashionable western, spiral arm of the Galaxy. In recent years the Nation has been know as:
@ The Evil Greasy Haired Teachers or McVinsterland (In honour of our National Hero, Proffessor Severus Snape)
@ The Monarchial Randomness of McVinsterland (which is wholly inaccurate as we have a Government, not a monarch)
@ The Bill n Ted luvin Randomness of McVinsterland (In honour of our Nation's national film)

It is, on the whole, remarkable for its punitive income tax rates (lets face it, the Government are greedy). Its hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical population of 2.46 billion are rabid consumers, partly through choice and partly because the government tells them to and dissenters tend to vanish from their homes at night (We are particularly fond of the suits in blacked out Mercedes method).

It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, corrupt, pro-business government stops and the rest of society begins, as we have fingers in [i] all [i/] the pies. Somehow it juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Defence, and the Environment. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 57%, which is on the decrece as the Government are in a good mood. A powerhouse of a private sector is dominated by the Arms Manufacturing industry, although we are trying to reduce the army and focus more on peace.

A ban on unsolicited cold calling in all forms is in effect, as I for one (The leader of the Nation) cannot stand it. The government has legalised small-scale capitalism, most of the military's funding goes into researching space-age weaponry, and Pinkerton agents are called in to forcibly break up white collar strikes. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. We are particularly proud of our education sector, and try our best to maintain the high standard of rehabilitation in our national mental institute (Lady McVinster's Institute for the Criminally Insane).

In our fine region it is law to love Pirates. Every Tuesday is Talk Like a Pirate Day and most people go to work in headscarves and with parrots adorning their shoulders (these have to be inflatable parrots due to strict Health and Safety regulations). With this love of Pirates, there comes the threat of rebel Pirates, with these we are harsh, with punishments such as public flogging and name-calling.

Another, recently passed, law is that on all days, (apart from Talk Like a Pirate Days (Tuesdays)) a towel must be kept upon the person or within five feet of every person in the region. Regulations on towel care are widely available from government outlets and the current "Top Towel" is the Marks & Spencer pink floral bath towel 2000. Remarked for its miraculous absorption and strenth when having wet towel flicking competitions with Vogons, "pinkie", as it is informally known, is also the current favourite to use against Ravenous Bug Blatter Beasts of Traal.

Mcvinsterland's national animal is the Panto Emu, which is also the nation's favorite main course, although we are currently undergoing an intensive breeding programme for Babel Fish. McVinsterland's currency is the Macca, named after the great grandmother of Lady McVinster, Lady McVinster the Fourth (Confusing due to an accident similar to that with Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Mcvinsterland is currently ranked 8th in the region of 0000000000level of flykilling and 74,954th in the world for Healthiest Nations. What can I say, we like our food!




P.S. I think this is a really great idea, and a fitting tribute to one of the greatest authors there ever where. (The others including Oolon Coloophid the great philosopher and Marin Smith from Croydon) Keep up the good work everybody!!!

TERRORDOME: Giancarlo Giannini

Peep it out, TG me if you want in. :sniper: :mp5:

Hmmm... Weegies, have you given up on this one?

Well, I'd like to see it through, but with the new and shiny NS Wiki and all...