NationStates Jolt Archive

((OOC: The original idea for this thread is all Scolopendra's doing. He gets all the credit, I'm just the one running with the idea =p Anybody is welcome to tag, but this was originally just a Triumvirate thread. Non-Trium folks are welcome to start their own comedy threads though =p))

They say you can go crazy in outer space. True enough, but one can go crazy just about anywhere, anytime, regardless of the presence or absense of gravity.

On the other hand, the results of going crazy in the absense of gravity can be.... interesting.

4SSF-Shabranigdo, Earth Orbit

All was calm on board the Shogunate-class battleship Shabranigdo... that is, until a member of the Engineering section utters the two words that have launched a seven or eight digit number of harebrained schemes over the course of history.

"I'm bored."

Shortly followed by the inevitable confirmation of status, and the realization that hands are idle.

"Yeah... let's do something."

A quick daring commando raid upon the laundry room turns up the required materials, and a member of the Gunnery section is able to provide munitions. Operation: Bratapult then commences at opposite ends of a seldom used corridor of the ship.

"Shields to full power!"

"Load the main cannons! C-Cups, fire!"

"Firing C-Cups, sir!"

"Activate point defense systems! Projectiles inbound!"

The pop of cap guns fill the hallway, two or three of the water balloons popping before they can reach the other end of the hallway.

"Return fire! Double-D cluster warheads!"

A counter-volley is sent flying back down the hallway, launched from the bountiful cups of some crew member's bra.

"Eek!"

"Alright! Time to show them what we're made of! Load the Thongs!"

"OH THE HUMANITY!"

"...... Just WHAT are you people doing with those underpants?"

"C-captain!" The group of guys all hastily salute the captain as she surveys the scene- water all over the corridor, with various women's lingerie precariously stretched across the hallway to serve as makeshift slingshots. "Just... ah.... oh man, we're every kind of fscked imaginable, aren't we?"

The captain's eyes come to rest on a particular piece of lingerie and her eyes narrow to dangerous slits. "And WHAT are you doing with MY bra?"

All eyes turn to the double-d cup bra in question, and then more than a few incredulous looks are alternated between the captain and the bra. "Th-that's... yours, captain?"

"Indeed." The tall Nekoite half turns to leave. "You can start by cleaning this mess up. Then you can go return those to the laundry room, where you will proceed to wash all the laundry for the next three days."

"We can use the machines, right?"

"No, you may not."

"Oh hell."

Ensign Bronson had finished his shift on the bridge - a shift that he mentioned often in fact - and was walking back to his quarters to do his log entry and sleep cycle. His routine was the same: Walk from the bridge through the starboard access corridor to the foreward main corridor all the way to his quarters on the forward edge of the saucer section. As he walked the halls he passed other crewmembers - some he passed in silence, and others he greeted. Those he talked to always knew he had just come from a bridge shift as he had worked it into every conversation since his promotion.

He ignored the occasional whispered insult and jibe, as well as the mean looks and outstretched tongues of some of the other crew members. He had deserved that promotion - his report on crew waste and inefficiency with examples had gone over well with Commander Olson. Some might wonder why Commander Olson was still a commander at 60 years old, but Bronson was certain the man liked the position.

Bronson arrived at his berth and entered the security code he had placed on the door - someone had decided it was funny to alter the humidity in his room to 100% and lower the tempurature to 24 degrees farenheit.

The door slide aside and he stepped through, not noticing the shimmering sea of water that hung suspended from the ceiling, thanks to an extra strength gravity generator and a wink from the chief engineer. He placed his data pad on the usual place on his desk and took a seat as the doors slide shut. Glancing at the data pad his eyes went to the display, then to the ceiling. His hand touched his comm badge...

"Engineering, I seem to have a pro..."

*Sploosh*

It doesn't hurt if the ship itself is also a bit off the deep end...

TYWS-BB Scolomorph
Flagship, First Triumvirate Expeditionary Force

"Supreme Emperor penguin," says the claymation penguin in a little TYCS uniform.

"Cuute." Sky Marshal Hayes frowns a little. "Why aren't you... well... a giant centipede or something?"

The penguin tries to rub the back of it's neck with one flipper, failing miserably. "I'm afraid this is a bit more traditional where I'm from than a giant centipede."

"Riiiiight."

http://www.dodds.net/~harmoney/pics/gun2.jpg

* - * - *

Spaceman First Class Donaldson watches his breath condense in the cold air, wispy clouds of water vapor adding to the tiny crystals of ice on the corridor walls. "'Morph, sir, you're the coolest starship ever."

The penguin nods, beady little eyes blinking. "I know, Spaceman. Your turn."

The enlisted man gets a better grip on his curved bit of cardboard, runs forward, boots gripping to the cold metal deck, then leaping forward onto the open snow with a youthful holler as he keeps going down the thirty-degree apparent tilt of the deck.

He keeps going... and going... and going down the nearly 1.5 kilometer length of the central corridor of the Supreme Emperor-class battleship.

An idle sergeant keeps an eye on the corridor intersection, eyes suddenly widening as he turns in with a cough. "Sir, it's the fuzz!"

"Cheese it," shouts the penguin as it waddles about on its stubby little legs, the little commander's triple-triangles on its high collar glittering as it waves its flippers in a directorial manner. "Sergeant, Spaceman, Sergeant, move it!" As they are called, the naval noncoms grab their bits of cardboard reacquisitioned from the cargo bays and leap down the hall, sliding away.

Sky Marshal Hayes feels the blast of cold air and shudders instinctually before the vertigo of suddenly conflicting artificial gravity fields kick in. "Whoaa..." She looks down at the one-meter tall penguin. "Scolomorph? What the hell?"

The ship's avatar claps its flippers in glee. "'"Let us flee," said the flea to the fly!'" Cackling, it spins about on one webbed foot and leaps down the corridor, scudding down on its belly. "Wheeeeeeeeee!"

The general officer sighs and sits down, watching the warship's chosen micropersona slide down the impressively long corridor. Looking over at a bit of cardboard placed up against a bulkhead, she gets a sly smile, shifts a little...

"Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!"

tag

(For when I'm more inspired)

The frigate RGSV Ringo Starr floats lazily through space...

Life aboard the TYCS-SCV Ragnarok of the First Titan Combined Fleet was not hard for the embarked Heavy Gear divisions, but, it was dull at times. Commanders tried to keep their men occupied with training, drills, training drills, and drills on training, but there is a finite limit to the amount of training one can do. Entertainment was left up to the crews for the most part, and a few creative souls took that to heart.
_________________________________________

"Guys, you won't believe this! I just heard that Sky Marshal Bluesummers is coming to the performance!" Miles Standoz burst into the requisitioned maintenance bay that had been converted to a "backstage" area.

"That's great! Maybe we will get a break from training drills after he sees our skills!" The group leader, Lieutenant Sarah Raoukai smiled at her troup. "Ok people, time to get ready, mount up!"

_________________________________________

Sky Marshal Bluesummers walked down a corridor of the vast Ragnarok until he reached Hangar Deck 4. The Playbill in his hand proudly proclaimed, "Tonight only! See one of the classics! Raoukai's Roughnecks Present: The Nutcracker Suite!" He smiled to nobody in particular as the bay door opened to a large grandstand set along the baywall, filled to capacity.

I was always a sucker for the classics, seems a good portion of the crew is too, or they at least appreciate a break in monotony.

Bluesummers takes a seat among his crew just as the lights dim, replaced by a whirring and the flashing of the cargo lift system's saftey lights. The set rose up on the massive lift.....but this was not a normal set. It was easily 4x the size necessary to perform the play.

What the hell? Bluesummer's self query was answered momentarily, as the music begin to play, and from their prep area, Roukai's Roughnecks, recon company of the Fourth TYCS Talons, rolled onto stage upon the wheels of their recon Heavy Gear's Secondary Movement System.

Four later, Bluesummers sat flabbergasted as a 10 ton gear performed a passible facsimile of an arabesque to the delight of the cheering crowds. As the closing notes played, the bowing Roughneck's were met with thunderous applause.

Bluesummers leaned over to one of his Operations officers. "Colonel, make a note. Please congratulate this company on their fine performance and obvious mastery of their battle systems. All of our crews should strive to be at a mastery level similar to this, so begenning next week, all companies are to pick a production and be ready to perform it in one-month's time, upon our arrival back home."

With that, he stood to go congratulate the "actors."

Orbital Asteroid Outpost Second Luna, Earth Orbit

Several empty cargo containers littered the floor of Supply Bay 12 which was normally used for storing spare battleship components. In the middle of the mess, eight engineers with nothing better to do with their time worked on assembling some sort of large machine with the parts pillaged from the containers. Looking at it from a distance, one would think they were putting together some kind of new uber weapon of doom.

"So, what's this thing supposed to do again?" asked one of the engineers as he finished connecting another component to the frame of the machine.

"Its supposed to be a big paintball launcher. Four battleship-class G-Diffusers and some linear accelerator rails from a linear catapult. Hopefully those'll get the balls up to a good speed when launched from it."

"And just what are we gonna shoot with this thing?"

"Seijoutai Island when we pass them as we make our orbit around the planet. A few of us were thinking of using it on the Shogunate's Tengoku Station, but the rest of us didn't think they would take that kinda thing too well."

A few minutes of silence passed as the engineers worked before the next question came. "Where did the idea for this come from?"

"Remember that Junk Guild ship that stopped by here a few days ago? One of the guys on there drew up the design for it. He even gave me the dye and some balls he made out of some old dummy balloons."

"Oh, cool. Y'know, we're gonna get in a lot of trouble when the commander finds out about this..."

"I'm not too worried about it. Its good clean fun... well, clean until the paint hits."

One of the other engineers snickered at the last comment and turned to the other two. "Okay guys, enough chatter, back to work so we can get this done on time!"

A short time later, the machine was finished, loaded with its first round of ammo, and moved into position near the bay's outer hatch...


Orbital Asteroid Research Lab Seijoutai Island, Earth Orbit

Dr. Takashi stared out the windows of the station's lounge as he sipped his drink, looking down at the Earth. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted the asteroid Second Luna moving into view as it made its way around the planet. He turned his attention to the asteroid, watching it slowly move by with several dozen objects launching from it over a period of a few minutes, exploding into globs of bright neon pink upon hitting the rocky surface of the orbital lab as Second Luna slowly passed by, some of the projectiles hitting near the lounge area. The asteroid disappeared from sight minutes later as it moved away.

"Oooooooookay... THAT was quite random and unexpected..." he said, watching Second Luna fade from view.

From a short distance away, a small pink smiley face could be seen on the side of Seijoutai Island facing the Earth, visible to anyone passing by the lab.

Boredom, like any highly contagious disease, spreads rapidly, though not through conventional vectors, passing like a plague via radio and QE transmissions from one ship to the next, and looming like a spectre of doom.

4SSF-Fehlzareid, 4SSF-Diem Wind, Earth Orbit

"Are you sure about this?"

"It's just a dummy balloon- what's a little harmless g-diffuser volleyball?"

"I dunno, I don't think Flightleader Fyiari is going to appreciate our using the Love and Peace for the net..."

"Captain, Flightleader Fyiari is the sort who can appreciate the fine art of killing time in creative ways. She'll likely see this as an EXCELLENT g-diffuser precision exercise. It challenges the crew and the hardware, to move a small battleship in such a way as to perform a poor imitation of a popular beach sport!"

".... Well, I suppose, so..."

"What, you scared that the Diem Wind's crew will get spanked by the Fehlzareid and her crew?"

"... What?!"

"Y'heard me. My crew could spank yer crew in some zero-gee battleship volleyball!"

"Oh, it's ON now! All hands, level 1 sporting positions!"

"All hands, prepare for sport!"

The two Shinken class ships manuver into position on opposite sides of the fleet's flagship, the massive Hand of God class Love and Peace, the large plates housing their overpowered g-diffuser systems unfolding to give the ships the maximum possible area of gravitational influence. The balloon dummy in question is deployed, and the two advanced ships start bapping it back and forth in a mockery of proper volleyball spanning several thousand kilometers.

4SSF-Love and Peace, Earth Orbit

"Flightleader, we've been picking up contacts over the past several hours passing above the ship."

"What kind of contacts, and why wasn't I told sooner?"

"Ur... scans indicate it's a dummy balloon, and it's been passing back and forth between the Shinkens Fehlzareid and Diem Wind."

Flightleader Velaria Fyiari nods sagely, one gloved hand rubbing her chin in thought. "Boredom, no doubt. They've been playing pong long enough. Have a few squadrons of Eee-Vee-Twos go out there and gravwank their 'ball' away. If you're going to play games, you should invite the rest of the fleet!"

Various bridge personel exchange looks that indicate quite clearly that the consensus is that Flightleader Fyiari is a little odd, but the launch orders go out and the two Shinkens' get their 'ball' taken away.

... Which the fighters begin to play some bastard fusion of soccer and hockey with.

Aboard the RGSV Ringo Starr, which floats through space near, but not too near earth, the crew lounges about. Some engineers measure how much radiation has dissipated from the newly nuked LRR population centers.

The general mood is depression.

Down in the engineering compartment, two engineers play ping-pong as an archaic CD player belts out 'Chewing Gum' by Elvis Costello.

Ping...pong....ping....pong...ping...pong...ping..pong..ping..pongpingpongpingpongwhack

"That was out of bounds and you know it!"
"Well, when you hit it when it was 'out of bounds' first I assumed that it was ok!"
"What?!?! Are you accusing me of cheating?!!?!"
"I am just saying..."
"Shh. This is my favorite song."

Meanwhile, on the bridge, the captain and bridge crew laze about, playing a spirited game of go fish, which has so far resulted in the loss of 74% of the captain's pay.

"Got any threes?"
"Go fish."
"Aha! A three!"

Captain Vanzetti puts down his first pair.

"And that concludes the game..."
"Weeheee!!!!!!!"

The ship's doctor comes zooming out of the corridor and through the circle of bridge crew, scattering the deck and their pairs of cards. With a battery of estes D rockets strapped to his back, he hits the opposite wall with an unnatural thud as the ejection charges blow and send the small cardboard motors spiraling around the zero-g bridge. The robots have no trouble keeping their score, but the human and insectoid bridge crewmen shoot the doctor displeasured glances.

Outside the frigate, two repair bots have discovered the tensile properties of rubber bands. They both have several hundred, pilfered from the ship's supply, wrapped around their bright yellow bodies.

"Oooh! Oooh! I got this one!"

Stretching the rubber band back to a perfectly calculated point, R-76778392QQ86 lets fly at a passing ship, with perfect lead to land it right on the bridge window.

As a group, the Contact section of the Cetagandan Space Service is regarded to be a bit odd by their colleagues, even for members of Frontier Fleet. This was not entirely unwarranted. First of all, the five Battle Fleets that form the main combat forces, and thus had the vast majority of the CSS's personnel, have only intelligence gathering Contact vessels attached to them - a profession noted for oddball behavior, not to mention paranoia. Diplomatic ships were regarded as being a bit too mellow for starships, explorers far to eager and excitable.

As a rule, the oddest ships (both in terms of Mind, Captain, and crew) are considered to be the clippers. The thin tapered hulls and wide delta wing didn't leave a lot of room for crew, leaving a few people in long periods in close proximity. However, the general consensus is that cruisers were a close second. All Cetagandan ships are intentionally designed for easy modification and upgrade. Furthermore, cruisers have fully self-sufficient resource gathering and microdindustrial capabilities. They could, in fact, make most anything that the crew desired.
-+-+-

General Contact Cruiser Only Slightly Bent
Exploration Vessel, Frontier Fleet
Currently Orbiting Terra

"I'm bored, Ben," says Captain Childress, spinning to and fro in his command chair.

"Oh?" replies the neon pink miniature Tyranosaur to his right. Casey was a relatively young shell, fresh from training, and had elected to have joing an experienced crew as the ship's former Mind had decided try its hand at station managing. The crew had, for their part, decided that the first order of business was loosening up the young Mind.

"Yeah. Why should we have to sit around this silly little planet just because Little Rascal ran off?"

"Wouldn't you know, Brian, you're the sixty-fourth person to say that to me in the last hour?" replies the dinosaur. "I'm having a perfectly fine time conversing with Slytherin Solidarity, Chamuel, Ark Royal and Rommel over in the Third Fleet. Why don't all you squishy types find something to occupy your time. I've got the alchemists up and running to make some new pulse rounds anyways - just grab some drones, head up the the dorsal secondbay, and yell if you need some raw material." As the captain leaves the bridge, the dinosaur says, "Honestly. They're like children."

In retrospect, perhaps giving several hundred bored, highly intelligent engineers and scientists orders to 'find something to occupy you time' was not the most brilliant move the EI had ever made. Two hours later, having spent the roughly a thousand subjective years vying for domination or the solar system with the aforementioned EIs (and leaving an asteroid belt where Terra had been in the simulation) , CGC-021 discovered that the lower half of his upper secondbay was filled with what looked to be a gigantic (and compressed) spring. Attached, and filling another good quarter of the bay, was what looked to be a gigantic pie pan. A pie pan inside of which was a meter-thick crust, which itself was being filled by an industrial-grade molecular alchemist with what spectral analysis quickly showed to be Granny Slag Lemon Meringue filling. 'Roughly a ninety meters across, and a good fifteen or so thick. That gives it a volume of about 9.5426e+4 cubic meters. Given the density...' Ben flips on the bay speakers. "Captain, why is there almost half a million tons of pie in the launch bay?"

As soon as he spoke, the crew suddenly made for the exits. It was almost as if they were clearing the bay prior for depressurization - a fear confirmed as moment later the manual overides were tripped and the outer door irised open. Ben had enough time to check the ship's attitude and position before the gigantic spring released and the massive pie went flying. Ben quickly calculated the trajectory, and discovered that in a matter of moments the pie would be splattering itself on the flagship of the Third. After a few seconds, the pastry crossed the intervening few hundred kilometers and a cheer went up as the battlecruiser Erwin Rommel took the hit clean to the bows.

As waves of electronic indignation began to spew forth from within the cloud of lemon meringue, Captain Childress barely had time to choke out, "I suggest we jump before Admiral Mazian has time to stop sputtering, my dear ship," between laughs as he rolled on the floor. Bem was all too happy to comply, plotting a jump for the frontier and moleholing to safety in a second later.

Dosei Space Traffic Control, Saturn space

"We've got a Busu class inbound from Uranus!"

"Oh god, why us? Alright, hail 'em and direct 'em in."

Dosei's space traffic guidance crew was routinely subjected to the antics of bored cargo ship crews and their... creativity. The communications tech looks up the ship's ID and groans, preparing to hail the 5.6 kilometer long cargo ship.

"Alright, Busu-class I Have a Furry Fetish-"

"You do?!" A newbie to the control room stares at the commtech with disgust.

"No I don't! It's the ship's name, you idiot!" The techie snaps back, resisting the urge to beat his head on the console in front of him.

"That's a pretty odd name for a ship, sir."

"... You haven't heard much about the crews of the Busus, have you?"

I Have a Furry Fetish, on approach to Dosei, Saturn space

The members of the crew exchange high fives and slaps on the back. "Alright, got another one!"

"Dude, hey, didja hear they may build another Busu for the cargo fleet?"

"Whoa, wonder what that one will be named?"

"They'll have to try pretty hard to top us for traffic control torment!"

"I dunno... I heard that the Take Me to Your Pr0n got some traffic control peeps in trouble at Tengoku station!"

"Bah, any fool can do perverse. It take talent to do totally disgusting!"

"Actually, I may get put in charge of the next Busu class..."

"WHOA, no shit?! Whatcha gonna call 'er??"

"Well, I'm thinking maybe something like the That's What Carlos's Penis Looks Like or maybe Behold The Power of My Wang."

"... Goddamnit, that's evil! EVIL!"

3SDF-Crimson South, Tengoku station

"Sure this is a good idea?"

"Not at all!"

"Then... why are we here about to use a routine firing mechanism test for our own nefarious purposes?"

"Because we're bored. And because those bastards on the Cerulean East won't stop making bad Fushigi Yuugi jokes about Seiryuu and Suzaku."

"Oh yeah."

The two technicians load a specialized payload into the Tenmou's main cannon, a sort of squishy plastic shell containing an unknown number of smaller squishy things of an mysterious substance. The scent of pie lingers faintly in the air as the preparations are completed.

"Loaded. Calculating angle, gravetic-spin, propulsion timing..." One techie reads off from the terminal, adjusting the figures as needed.

After a few minutes the calculations are completed. "All systems green, commence firing test!"

The ship's hull transmits the slight humming as the gravity diffusers fire, sending the odd little object out into the cold void of space.

"Unless they change course on their way in for routine repairwork, that should catch them broadside on the other side of the planet."

Smug, the techies exchange high-fives before going back to their duties.

3SDF-Cerulean East, on approach to Tengoku station

"Course clear, we have approach clearance from the station."

The routine bridge operation is interupted by a sudden red glob of something smacking into the bridge windows, resulting in a flurry of activity as the crew tries to figure out what's going on, as a series of more red splotches make harmless impact with the bridge tower, peppering the main view with red goop.

"WHAT is going on here?" The captain scowls, taking a close look at the substance on the other side of the window. "What is this? It looks like..."

The captain pauses and checks what he's seeing again. "........ Cherry pie?"

A piece of plasfilm is visible among the red goop, having managed to impact just right so as to be readable.

Suzaku: 1, Seiryuu: 0

"... The crew of the Crimson South must be behind this. You know what this means."

A brief look around the bridge confirms everyone is thinkng the same thing. Revenge will be taken for this pastry dishonor! The fiends will be taught not to mess with the blue dragon, the Cerulean East!

CSS-CGC Only Slightly Bent
Somewhere to Core-Spinward of Sol

"Honestly. What a bunch of copycats. I'm telling you, do anything ever mildly fame-worthy and everyone around you starts doing the same thing," remarks Brian Childress from his position on the ship's bridge

"A pie to the face is hardly original, Captain," a pink tyranosaur reminds him.

"It's a classic joke! And on a scale never before dreamed!" protests the man.

"You have to admit, from what we've seen from the images circulating the Triumvirate fleets, they certainly have style."

"Style my ass," the captain spins around to look at the bridge science officer. "Major, how long until we finish our survey of this system?"

"We're expecting to wrap up in another two days or so, unless that radiological source on the fourth planet turns out to be something worth stick around for," replies the officer.

"Hmm. And we're not due to start on our next assignment for another week. Good," says Childress. He gets up and heads for the main hatch. "Ben, tell Colonels Chastel, Theodomus, Brigantine, and Serrano the Younger to report to planning room bee in an hour. Oh, and look to see how many TAC-5s and probes we're currently carrying."

As he relays the orders, the EI can't help but wonder what the captain wants with the XO, head of the science and intelligence section, tactical officer, and logistics officer - especially when he also wants an inventory of expendable missiles.

The boredom of deep space had driven the commander of the AISS Puma to such insanity that he had begun to play chicken. With himself. A prospect most disheartening to his bridge crew.

"Sir, are you sure our orders are to get this close to Earth's moon? It's a little dangerous"

"Don't turn yet."

"We can't keep accelerating like this and still hope to not run into it"

"A few seconds longer..."

"Sir!! If I don't start the manuevering thrusters now, we'll hit the moon."

"I said not yet."

"For the good of the ship, I'm overriding your orders. All engines full reverse, begin turning."

"Darn it, man. Follow orders. I'm sure it would've swerved out of our way before we hit."

----------

Later that same day:
"Sir, we sensors are picking up some sort of battle around earth orbit. Look to be... paintball?"

"And they didn't invite us?"

"We don't have any paint onboard sir. So I don't see how we could participate."

"Good point. But I've just recieved orders that we are to make as if to ram those vehicles. Full speed ahead, let's see who turns first this time."

CSS-CGC Only Slightly Bent
Between the Orbits of Mars and Terra

{Internal C-Space}
x Col.Brigatine::CIC > Target position is confirmed. EW package configured.
x Cmdr.Childress::CO > Initiate plan alpha. All hands, secure for jump.
x Col.Theodomus::Tactical > Special Muntions loaded to tubes FV-One through Three. Targeting solution confirmed.
x OSB > Drones away, QE link test green.
x Col.Theodomus::Tactical > Launch in five...four...three...two...one. Birds away.
x Lt.Zacharias::Nav > Molehole drives spun up, initiating jump.
<DISCONTINUITY>
x OSB > Jump complete. Position matches target coordinates within acceptable limits. Remote drone control confirmed.

http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~chigbee/Cetaganda/general/bent1s.JPG (http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~chigbee/Cetaganda/general/bent1.JPG)

Even as the multi-million ton cruiser disappears in a flash of light, a pair of relatively tiny drones flash through space. Keeping pace with them is a trio of TAC-5 battleship missiles. The five objects burn their drives for a short period, before dropping into a purely ballistic trajectory. The missiles have been coated with an extra layer of sensor-absorbing material, and the drones use their small electromagnetic effectors to further mask their presence to any but the most careful observers. To the rest of the universe, there is nothing but a pair of Cetagandan multi-purpose drones cruising through space on some undoubtedly boring mission.

As they near the location of 3SDF-Crimson South, however, things begin to change ever so slightly. The drones note the precise location of the ship, and in turn relay this information both the their mothership and to the trio of missiles accompanying them. Suddenly the craft change their course and light up their gravitic drives to full power. Now, rather than passing a few thousand kilometers from Crimson South, the drones are headed straight for it. The missiles also become apparent a moment later, but at this point the ECM from both the missiles and the drones come on full. Their IFF transponders continue to identify them as friendly even as the drones fire their FRAG weapons at low power to dazzle point-defense scanners. All this happens far faster than most organic or reploid minds could react. Within five seconds of beginning their attack runs, the drones have flash past the ship, passing within a mere few kilometers, and the missiles have released their sub-munitions and sub-sub-munitions and self destructed.

In an instant, most of the starboard hull of the Shogunate vessel is covered with Granny Slag Homestyle Chocolate Pudding.

The Big List of What Not To Do in the TYCS

(compiled by at least seventeen Private "Skippy," twenty Spacemen "Skippy," and Missile Frigate TYWS-MFF "Skippy" Saskatchewan... as well as several non-"Skippy" officers ranging from O-1 to O-7)
1) I may not rip the arms off Sakkrans while screaming about missile frigates at the top of their lungs. -- From Freodean Beaducafas "Skippy"
2) I may not perform a "daring commando raid" on the laundry room assets of the opposite gender.
3) I may not drunkly request S.H.O.D.A.N. to rip whole planets out of space and time 'Because it's Thursday.'
4) I may not proposition Sec-2 robots for sexual favors.
5) I may not refer to my superior officers as 'Oh, those fuckheads.'
6) "Because Skyraider said it's ok" is not sufficient justification for anything.
7) I may not use the Daijuusan Shinken fleet for orbital pie bombardment.
8) "Because we're on the Ring and it'll be a daring flanking maneuver!" is not the proper answer to "Why are you running away from the battle, soldier?"
9) I may not put home-made Melkor costumes in NCO's footlockers and accuse them of being 'the enemy.'
10) 'Orbital weapons' are not for solving domestic disputes.
11) "I want to do Nathi" is not an acceptable long-term goal.
12) "Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem is not an appropriate topic for dicussion with Sec-2 robots.
13) The PGM1A4 powergun does *not* have a 'vibrate' setting, and it is wrong to tell gullable recruits that it does.
14) "Look at the ass on that!" is not the correct way to address Devon Treznor, Lady Nathicana, Queen Firefury Amahira, or S.H.O.D.A.N. no matter how true I think it is.
15) Ablative gel is not a lubricant, regardless of how "hot" I claim to get on re-entry.
16) It is wrong to tell recruits to 'report to the firing squad' after minor infractions.
17) "Aren't you a cute widdle puddy cat" is not the proper way to address Speaker-Rrit.
18) I may not dare fellow troopers to pull Speaker-Rrit's tail while in earshot of the same.
19) I may not dare fellow troopers to pull Speaker-Rrit's tail, ever.
20) 'Emergency reentry procedure' is not a sex position.
21) 'Emergency reentry drill' is not a sex toy.
22) I may not sneak up on a HELLSING operative and shout "Boo!"
23) "Satan made me do it" is not an acceptable excuse.
24) "Satan made me do it" is not an acceptable excuse, especially when speaking to a HELLSING officer.
25) Barbie does not have a Heavy Gear of any sort and it is wrong for me to imply that she does.
26) I may not start a conversation with a Reploid dragon with "Can you breath fire from both ends?"
27) After refueling in-flight a Land-Air Gear or an aerospace fighter, I will not ask the pilot if it was as good for her as it was for me.
28) I may not attempt to convert kzinti or Sakkrans to veganism.
29) I may not reply to every order given by a Kitsune with "Arrr, Cap'n."
30) International "Talk Like A Pirate Day" is not recognized by the CINCTYCS.
31) The starship's avatar is not a toy.
32) Nobody cares what I think Zero-One's spacecraft look like.
33) I may not cheat at cards against the starship.
34) I may not try to play marbles with Zero-One's spacecraft. -- for the starships
35) Dildos are not acceptable gifts for mechanoids.
36) Doubly so if the mechanoid in question is Skyraider.
37) Security-1 combat robots are not "cute snuggly poochies" and it is wrong for me to suggest to new recruits that they snuggle them.
38) I may not follow a psychic NCO around with a mug of tea leaves screaming "YOU HAVE TO TELL ME!"
39) HELLSING does not exist to make the bogeyman in my footlocker go away.
40) I may not tell HELLSING that I have a bogeyman in my footlocker.
41) I may not shirk cleaning up whatever mess HELLSING makes after I tell them something.
42) I may not tell NCOs that a demolition pack is a pillow.
43) I may not tell the NCOs that a demolition pack is a large MRE.
44) S.H.O.D.A.N. is not "that shaggable hot toaster," especially in front of QACF ship avatars.
45) I may not play spooky Halloween music outside of HELLSING's bunks.
46) I may not shout "Show me your tits!" to S.H.O.D.A.N. avatars.
47) I may not name sex toys after friendly national leaders.
48) I may not name sex toys after enemy national leaders.
49) Flying a fully armed battleship into orbit around Saturn is not an internationally recognized peaceful greeting and it is wrong for me to suggest it to foreigners as one.
50) Stick figure drawings of Melkor being banged by Siri are not appropriate mission briefing materials.
51) Stick figure drawngs of Melkor banging Siri are not 'motivational material' and I may not show them to Menelmacari troops under this pretense.
52) I may not try to put the starship into Three Laws shock.
53) I may not hit on the starship.
54) I may not challenge the starship to a drag race.
55) "Phat rims" are not a valid request to my supply sergeant.
56) I may not call the starship 'HAL' at every opportunity.
57) I may not play "bumper cars" with all my friends, no matter how good we are at using the lineguns for collision damping. -- For starships.
58) I may not see how much Gs the crew can withstand. -- Again, for starships.
59) "It's over there" is not a valid grid reference.
60) I may not freeze over Central Passageway and invite noncoms to go sledding. -- For starships.
61) I may not hand out porn to the crew and then shut off all the showers. -- For starships.
62) Small moons are not for target practice.
63) I may not set ship humidity to 100% and ambient temperature to -1 degree C in order to declare a snow day.
64) I may not tease the ship by giving orders to "fix bayonets" or ordering "ramming speed."
65) "ICEBERG RIGHT AHEAD!" is not a valid imminent collision warning.
66) I may not confuse port speed with flank speed under any circumstances.
67) The HNPPC capacitors are not microwaves and I may not cook my burritos in them.
68) I may not use the linegun loading breech to crush beer cans.
69) I may not put laughing gas into the ship's air system.
70) The AI core's coolant is not made of alcohol and it is wrong to test this.
71) I may not try and get the AI drunk by replacing core coolant with 101 proof whiskey.
72) I may not try to teach the MAMRAMs phenomenology.
73) The following are bad ways to address my captain; "Puny human," "Meatbag," "Weak carbon unit," "Sexy."
74) I may not kill a yak with MIND BULLETS using the thaumaturgic capacitors.
75) "I'm sorry but I can't do that, Dave" is not the correct response to problematic orders.
76) I may not use the ship's PA system to make derogatory comments about anyone I slept with the night before.
77) I may not find out if Raid works on the Spacedy Ants.
78) "Because it was there" is not enough reason to blow up a planet.
79) I may not teach the Sec-2s how to play fetch.
80) I may not pants the captain, even if there is nothing s/he can do about it. -- For starships
81) I may not demolish a planet to "make way for a hyperspace bypass"
82) I may not put jam on the continent crackers.
83) Gravy guns are not to be used for KP duties and it is wrong for me to try.
84) I may not attempt to get the ship's avatar drunk.
85) "It worked for SG-1" is not a valid justification for a mission plan.
86) I may not teach the ship Vogon Poetry.
87) I may not recite Vogon Poetry.
88) "Ass-space" is not a valid description of the AO.
89) I may not give my ship embarrasing names to mess with ATC.
100) "Symmetrical docking" is not a docking procedure and it is wrong of me to tell the ship's avatar it is.
101) I may not project hentai onto the ship's hull with the external lights.
102) I may not project hentai onto other ships' hulls with the external lights.
103) I may not paint hentai nose art on the ship unless the ship asks nicely.
104) I may not paint hentai nose art on the ship, even if the ship asks nicely.
105) "Fire the doomcock!" is not a valid firing order.
106) "So I can be remembered for all eternity" is insufficient justification for using the HNPPC batteries to carve my name into a moon.
107) I may not abuse fleet operations to play tic-tac-toe in space.
108) I may not distribute Nathi/Treznor hentai doujinshi as a diplomatic briefing manual.
109) "Kirk did it and so did I" is not a valid debriefing.
110) "Because the penguin did it!" is not a valid excuse for causing a diplomatic incident.
111) I may not use the fleet's QE comms for pirating software, movies, porn, or anything else.
112) I may not play 1970s porn groove any time the Dread Lady or the Emperor Treznor step aboard.
113) Devon Treznor is not Columbo.
114) I may not play Star Wars' "Imperial March" any time the Dread Lady or the Emperor Treznor step aboard.
115) I may not play Star Wars' "Imperial March" any time the Dread Lady or the Emperor Treznor step aboard, even if the Dread Lady says I can.
116) I may not play the Top Gun soundtrack any time Firefury comes aboard.
117) "Here's some sweeties, now go and play" is not the right way to end a conversation with TFU diplomats.
118) Despite their description, comets are not to be used as dirty snowballs.
119) Serving aphrodisiacs at a diplomatic conference aboard ship is not allowed.
120) I may not make or distribute TYCS ship hentai.
121) I do not serve on the "Starship Doomcock" and it is wrong for me to tell others that I do.
123) I am not the "Starship Doomcock" and it is wrong for me to introduce myself as such.
124) I may not ask the chief engineer to "lower this bitch and slap on a fat tailpipe."
125) I may not make any Starship Troopers references when spacedy ants are on board.
126) I may not dare new recruits to hold their breath for thirty seconds in a vacuum.
127) Tacnukes are not to be used for kow hunting and it is wrong of me to try.
128) The fighter catapults are not to be used to chuck kow carcasses at other ships and it is wrong for me to experiment with firing angles and powers for that purpose.
129) The main gun array does not have a 'Cajun' setting and I may not order new gun operators to set it to that.
130) I may not ask HELLSING troops if they "know that nifty Alucard guy."
131) HELLSING does not have Elvis.
132) For that matter, neither does the rest of the fleet.
133) I may not use the ship's medical cloning facility to recreate Elvis.
134) I may not greet S.H.O.D.A.N. with "Hellllllllloooooo, nurse!"
135) I may not appoint Skyraider as ambassador to the Holy Vatican See.
136) When being asked by a Dominion native as to the whereabouts of a fellow trooper, I may not reply with "He sleeps with the fishies."
137) I may not refer to my Dominion superior as "Don."
138) Kitty Litter is not the proper way to clean a kzinti head.
139) I may not attempt to convince command that we should construct a super-VDA about 2000 lightyears out in order to see Christ was actually a Goa'uld.
140) I may not submit "Game over, man, game over!" as a sitrep.
141) I may not attempt to trade QACF starships for Magic the Gathering cards.
142) "Just nuke them from orbit" is not to be used simply because I don't want to miss the new Battlestar Galactica episode.
143) "FOR THE SWARM!" is not an acceptable battle cry.
144) "To find the legendary Thirteenth Colony" is insufficient justification for making an uncalculated jump.
145) I may not attempt to prove that "chicks dig giant robots."
146) I may not use SIGINT to listen in on enemy pornography.
147) I may not use the ship's effectors to discover what's in Devon Treznor's porn folder.
148) I may not attempt to become my own grandfather using any FTL technology.
149) I may not submit the lyrics to "The Monster Mash" to HELLSING as a mission report.
150) I may not attempt to demonstrate how Reploids have detachable groins.
151) I may not tell new recruits to refill the vacuum tanks on the ships.
152) "But that ant did it!" is not a valid reason for ripping someone's arm off in a bar fight, although it may impress the Shore Patrol.
153) I may not spray my superior officer down with sugar water when entertaining spacedy ants.
154) I may not say "I saw this on TV" before attempting any mind of c-frac maneouvre.
155) I may not blame Arthur C Clarke for my own failings.
156) I may not store the Heavy Gear in compromising positions.
157) I may not temporarily place the Heavy Gear in compromising positions.
158) There is no location on the ship called "the clitoris" and I may not attempt to convince NCOs otherwise.
159) Despite whatever that Pope guy may say, the ship's senior NCOs are, in fact, God.
160) There is no such item as "Pope on a rope" and therefore I may not include it in supply manifests.
161) I may not use the ship's fabber to try and create a "Pope on a rope" just so I can put it on supply manifests.
161) I may not allow Skyraider to mentor newly commissioned ships.
162) I may not play the Meow-Mix song whenever Speaker is on board.
163) I may not attempt to make the ship's avatar blush.
164) "Here kitty, kitty!" is not the appropriate way to greet a kzin.
165) I may not network the fleet's computers together in order to create super-realisitc porn involving national leads.
166) I may not network the fleet's computers, even if it's for the most badass LAN party known to Sol System.
167) Noting that the tacnet is exactly that does not absolve me from rule #166.
168) HELLSING units do not operate from "Transylvania" and I may not tell people that they do.
169) I may not misappropraite QACF resources "to look for treasure."
170) I may not ask S.H.O.D.A.N. if she starred in TRON.
171) I may not project Matrix Revolutions onto the side of QACF ships.
171) I may not project any of the Matrix series onto the side of QACF ships.
172) I may not project any movies onto the side of QACF ships without express written and signed permission from the CINCTYCS.
173) I may not forge the CINCTYCS' signature.
174) I may not call my ship's AI "darling" in open transmissions.
175) I may not give Captain Sierra batteries as a gift for any occasion.
176) I may not have my avatar kiss any of my crew and ask them, "Are you alive?"
177) I may not drape plastic wrap over a Futomara Kousei missile and explain it's a condom.
178) "Sexual conquest" is not my mission objective.
179) "I don't know, I'm down at the pub" is not a valid sitrep and I may not use it to avoid patrol duty.
180) I may not ask S.H.O.D.A.N. if her father's name is Texas Instruments.
181) I may not use Captain Kirk as a justification for my actions while at diplomatic events.
182) The torpedo tube is not a lavatory and it is wrong for me to either assume myself or tell new recruits that it is.
183) I may not drop a match on a methane planet "Just to see what happens"
184) I may not call the First Among Equals nor the Triumvirate Council the "Council of Twelve"
185) Nor may I refer to them as "Twelve Angry Men."
186) "By your command" in a tinny voice is not a valid way to respond to orders.
187) I am not a "Battlestar."
188) I do not serve on a "Battlestar."
189) Kissing the ship's avatar will not give me superpowers.
190) I may not place any "accessories" on the ship's avatar while it is resting.
191) KY is not the appropriate lubricant for the ship's avatar.
192) Neither is Astroglide.
193) "I want to blow shit up" is not a valid mission plan.
194) "There's too many of the damn things anyway" does not justify blowing up a moon.
195) The ships of the fleet are not Warhammer figurines, and I may not use them as such.
196) may not try to repaint my ship in the colours of my Battlefleet Gothic force, favourite football team or pet cat.
197) I may NOT ask S.H.O.D.A.N. to genetically engineer a pet unicorn or any other mystical creature.
198) I may not accept one if she actually does.
199) Not even as a ship's mascot.
200) "I think it would be cute." is not justification for abusing the ship's genetic engineering resources. Nor is "I want one for sex."
201) I may not call my superior officer a "damned dirty ape."
202) I may not dare new recruits to yank any reploid dragon's tail.
203) I may not attempt to use CRTL-ALT-DEL on the shipmind.
204) Ordering to "set reactor to orgasm" is not a valid procedure.
205) I may not ask the starship to fake an orgasm.
206) I may not get the AI addicted to Bejeweled, Alchemy, Tetris, or any other obnoxiously addictive puzzle game.
207) I may not load the AI to the hilt with spyware by enabling automatic cookie handling.
208) Grabbing the avatar's breasts and exclaiming "seems fine to me" is not the proper way to address a report of external sensor failure and it is wrong of me to suggest it to junior bridge officers.
209) The mass driver is not a toy.
210) I may not use Fleet or Ground Forces assets to recreate anything from Macross, Gundam, Evangelion, or Full Metal Panic.
211) I may not answer any request from my superior officer with "Do you want to become one with me?"
212) Or "Would you like to ride with Batman?"
213) A super soaker is not a military-issue sidearm.
214) I may not create a super soaker powerful enough to be a military-issue sidearm.
215) I may not create a spaceship-grade super soaker.
216) "Wang" may not be itemised on the ship's manifest.
217) "Wang" is not an accepted measure of weapon discharge power and I may not try to convince people otherwise.
218) "Exacock" is not an SI unit and does not apply to HNPPC output.
219) Granny Slag's homestyle puddin' is not an acceptable lubricant for machinist applications.
220) "We fucked them up good" is not a valid example of a tactical report.
221) I may not teach the ship AI 1337speak.
222) "Let's get it crackalatin'" is not enough information for a formation hyperspace jump.
223) No matter how dangerous the threat is of static discharge, I must wear clothes while working on any hardware.
224) I may not refer to any combat maneouvre as a "drive-by" regardless of how accurate I personally believe the description to be.
225) "Let's GTA those sonsofbitches!" is not a valid mission plan.
226) No part of the starship is edible.
227) I may not swap my powergun for pogs.
228) I may not try and find out if there is a Hot Coffee mod for the ship's AI.
229) I may not attempt to sell my squadmates into slavery.
230) Use of a portable anti-grav pack does not require me to flap my arms.
231) No part of the air conditioning system can be used as a bong.
232) I may not ask permission to "Pull an Allanea" on a nation I don't like.
233) No matter what cybernetic implants I have, I am NOT "The One", and I may not tell people I am.
234) Telling people MREs are made from "Sergeant Jones" is not funny.
235) Bodyguard Barry is not the reincarnation of Jesus or any Pharaoh.

'Birthday Suit' is not endorsed or acceptable TYCS clothing under ANY circumstances.

"You take 'eh high road 'n ah'll take 'eh low road and ah'll be in 'Scotland afore ye," is not an appropriate course of action during a TYCS survival exercise.

Do not refer to Governor-General Byzainti as "The Tinman".

Kaeneian Avatars are not equipped with genitalia; they do not require your services in accquiring them.

Starship escape pod release controls are not substitute bottle openers.

"Pie in the sky" has not, has not been and will never be the Intelligence Ministry designation for the Federated Segments - It is forbidden to convince new adepts of this.

Consular staff serving at the Kaeneian embassy on Unity Island do NOT disappear after asking "Too many questions," at the neighbouring Dominion facility.

It is utterly forbidden to reprogram the shipboard intelligence to repeat "Devon knows how they make it so creamy," at any point during a state visit by the afore mentioned Emperor of Treznor.

Reploids do not have "E-Z bake ovens" as standard. Attempting to bring up the possibilities of a quick toasted bagel are wasted moments at best.

Tag for now. Here is a piece of a semi-humorous post on a semi-humorous thread in an alternate universe.

"There was only one catch, and that was Catch-22." - Joseph Heller, Catch-22

Tiburon was a nation on Mars. This was undisputable. The laws of physics may be challenged or even break time-to-time, resulting in a desperate and irate Department of Scientific Advancement and a desperate and irate Department of Justice, but this, at least, was undisputable. Maps of the planet had the words "Tiburon Mars" placed in the same general area, the border signposts said "Welcome to Tiburon", and the few hundred million people living in the area said they were all Tiburonese. It was no different for the crew of the TSS Ramification, a battleship among thousands in the USF Aerospace Force.

Everything aboard the Ramification was indicative of a standard battleship. Guns, armor, communications, life support, and some fighters and mechanoids with their own internal workings were assembled together in some sort of cohesive pattern to form what many called "one of the most advanced machines today". Why one machine would be more advanced than another was anybody's guess. If anything, the battleships of the various space forces of the universe would probably be less advanced than the washing machines of that universe, since the washing machines had existed for quite a longer time and had undergone many more upgrades. Still, the battleship was advanced for a machine, and certainly one of the most advanced battleships in the space forces of the universe. Nothing out of the ordinary.

From several Shogunate "Skippy"s:

-Just because I am a very flexible mechanical dragon does not mean I should brag about this at every opportunity.
-I may not dare reploid dragons to tie themselves in a pretzel
-I may not use a dragon's fire weapon to roast marshmellows without the express permission of that dragon, reploid or organic.
-I may not use a dragon's fire weapon to roast marshmellows, even with permission.
-I may not use my fire weapon to roast marshmellows for my fleshy friends.
-Everquest, Worlds of Warcraft, Kingdom of Loathing, or any other massively multiplayer online game is not suitable for training simulations and it is wrong of me to tell people they are.
-I am not to ponder the sexual activities of any Keeper while in the presence of any Keeper
-I am not to ponder the sexual activities of any Keeper, ever
-I may not bid on any national leader's underpants
-I may not redecorate the hulls of other ships in the fleet with any sort of permenant paint or other coloring.
-I may not redecorate the hulls of other ships in the fleet with anything that takes more than a quick spray down to clean.
-I may not redecorate the hulls of other ships in the fleet with anything
-No, I may NOT buzz the control tower.
-Airtight gravetic aerospace fighters are not designed to be used as submarines and I may not try to use them for this purpose.
-I may not try to peddle catnip to kzin while in port on Saturn or the Ring.
-"But I heard a TYCS ship do it!" is not sufficient justification for turning any hallway in any ship into a sledding or ski slope.
-I may not play Pong with my friends using some EV-3 pilot's fighter as the ball.
-I may not tell Zeroel that I saw the archive footage of what he did to that M.A.N. operative, nor how cool I think it was what he did to that guy.
-"Arr, drop 'er pants an' prepare to be boarded!" is not an appropriate way to greet Tengoku or Makai station air traffic controllers when on approach to the station.
-I may not go waterskiing behind any spacecraft, as there is no water to ski on.
-I may not try to invent spaceskiiing
-I may not go spaceskiing behind any warship without permission.
-I may not go spaceskiing behind any warship even with permission.
-I may not ask the ship's AI to create ultra-realistic 3-D porn for me.
-I may not commission the ship's AI to create "nude art" for me.
-I may not use training exercises as a chance to arrange the fleet to form obscene images in space.
-I may not use the ship's QE to play Nintendogs with people on other ships.
-I may not hardwire any portable gaming system to the ship's QE to boost the wireless range.
-"To infinity and beyond!" is not a valid launch order.
-I may not attempt to recreate the Morph Ball from any of the Metroid games with any powered armor.
-I may not order my wing of fighters to fly in the "Big Dick" formation.
-Shogunate spacecraft cannot get the flu and I should not try to inocculate them.
-I may not attempt to inocculate any Sakkran ship, either, even though they're organic.
-I may not film a "modern" version of Jurassic Park with Sakkrans playing the dinosaurs.
-I may not try and get the spaceship to fart, no matter how funny it may be.
-I may not fly my captain's undergarments from the main communications array.
-I may not fly my undergarments from the main communications array.
-I may not fly anyone's undergarments from the main communications array.
-I may not give Shodan skanky lingerie as a gift.
-I may not give the Dread Lady skanky lingerie as a gift.
-Even if she likes it.
-Throwing the horns is not the proper way to salute my commanding officer.
-I may not goose the ship's avatar.
-I may not salute "the lower head", no matter what I caught the captain doing the night before.
-I cannot channel my "spirit energy" into my index finger and fire it, nor should I attempt to do so.
-"But it worked in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!" does not justify anything
-I may not make Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters or Nuriko Specials for the crew, even if I find the alcohol makes my fleshy friends do very silly things.
-I may not otherwise test the crew's alcohol tolerance.
-I may not try and get a telepath to get an annoying song stuck in someone else's head.
-I may not play chess in space with fleet assets.
-I may not play chess on board the ship with M.I. troopers or with Gears on the ground.
-I may not try to add a turbocharger to the ship.
-I may not try and use cracked anime such as FLCL, Excel Saga, Puni Puni Poemi, or Evangelion to try and break the ship's mind.
-I may not flash obscene messages in Morse code with the ship's running lights.
-I may not play human Tetris in the main corridor.
-I may not play Strip Twister, ever
-I may not attempt to play Jenga in the null-grav sections of the ship.
-I may not attempt to sexually pleasure the spaceship by sticking anything anywhere.
-"The Song That Never Ends" is not a marching cadence and I may not use it as such.