NationStates Jolt Archive

Loose Mary's Baby Buster Abortion Clinic Torched by Valiant Pro-Lifers

SPRINGFIELD, USA -- Loose Mary's Baby Buster Abortion Clinic was torched today at approximately 3:20 PM by a group of Pro-Lifers who call themselves The Fetus Protection al-Qaeda Fox News Corporation Alliance, officials say.

"It appears that the FPAQFNCA used fire to burn down the place," Police Chief Clancy Wiggum said to reporters today.

"We will not be pursuing the criminals, as everybody at the station agrees that these men and women valiantly burned this pro-infanticide facility killing 25 staff members," another officer said while his daughter was playing in the open highway.

Mel Gibson, while visiting Springfield for some reason, commented on the razing of the clinic stating, "THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM."

Authorities were befuddled by this random comment and Gibson has checked into a mental facility.

More news to come once we get more info on this late-breaking story.

Pro-Choicers Strike Back

SPRINGFIELD, USA -- We have just been informed that the Children's Hospital was torched ten minutes ago by the pro-choice group known as The Pro-Choice Pro-Freedom Kill Kids Organization.

Chief Wiggum commented on this, "We will use every resource we have to find these vile fiends! All 235,000 dollars the department has to spend!"

Michael Moore also pitched in his opinion, "9 out of every 10 kids who are aborted are reincarnated into a super-duper intelligent human being with wings."

When asked where he got those figures from, he rudely remarked, "Your momma!"

And lastly, Rush Limbaugh has put in his comment, "Oh come on! Those damn pro-choice treehugging nuts are sooo whiney. The torching of the clinic was merely some frat fun! That's it! And now they come back and torch a children's hospital? How heartless is that? God, I bet these morons are illegal immigrants."

We couldn't agree more, Rush.

Spammer Bumps Threads Throughout Springfield

On a totally irrelevant topic, a notorious spammer who goes by the name Jack the Spammer has been bumping threads everywhere in every thread in every forum in Springfield. Howard Dean is the prime suspect.

OOC: Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.

Pro-Choice Scum Captured

Authorities raided an animal rights protest today, arresting three men and one woman who they think are responsible for the torching of the Springfield Children's Hospital.

"We are absolutely confident that these treehuggers are the criminals. If not, we'll beat the living crap out of them until they admit they are.." said Police Chief Wiggum.

Although no trial is planned, it is believed that the four suspects will be sentenced to death.... by the ELECTRIC CHAIR! We can only hope that justice prevails.

This has been a fair and balanced news report.

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