Wombat News
12-05-2004, 18:20
Wagga Wagga, Australian Marsupials; Wombat News
After a long period of research and development, the Australian Marsupials Post Office - AMPO - has unveiled a new, even faster postal service called Vorpal Mail which will enable letters to be transported anywhere in the universe in an instant, using a brand new network of letterboxes.
The new letterboxes, painted indigo, have had to be introduced because of the very different quantum nature of Vorpal Mail, the levels of gamma radiation involved and the potential fire hazard. The new letterboxes are a fraction of the size of the conventional red "curved space" models they will eventually replace, and take advantage of the very latest in quantum miniaturisation technology. They are fully compatible with NeutronMail packets up to 5 centimetres wide. Larger, conventional items may also be sent, but must be torn into smaller pieces before posting. Folding items, however, may lead to unexpected results including, but not exclusively limited to: damage to the letter, failure of letter delivery, letter returned to sender or the opening of a logic vortex that encloses the entire universe within the letter.
Other aspects of the new service are different to what we currently think of as conventional mail. The nature of first and second class, for instance. As is the case now, first class promises instant delivery but, as it is impossible to delay Vorpal Mail for any length of time, second class mail will now have a 70 percent chance of bursting into flames upon arrival, thereby successfully replicating the inherent inconvenience of the current second class service in a different way.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS - BRINGING YOU THE LATEST QUANTUM LEAP IN POSTAL TECHNOLOGY
After a long period of research and development, the Australian Marsupials Post Office - AMPO - has unveiled a new, even faster postal service called Vorpal Mail which will enable letters to be transported anywhere in the universe in an instant, using a brand new network of letterboxes.
The new letterboxes, painted indigo, have had to be introduced because of the very different quantum nature of Vorpal Mail, the levels of gamma radiation involved and the potential fire hazard. The new letterboxes are a fraction of the size of the conventional red "curved space" models they will eventually replace, and take advantage of the very latest in quantum miniaturisation technology. They are fully compatible with NeutronMail packets up to 5 centimetres wide. Larger, conventional items may also be sent, but must be torn into smaller pieces before posting. Folding items, however, may lead to unexpected results including, but not exclusively limited to: damage to the letter, failure of letter delivery, letter returned to sender or the opening of a logic vortex that encloses the entire universe within the letter.
Other aspects of the new service are different to what we currently think of as conventional mail. The nature of first and second class, for instance. As is the case now, first class promises instant delivery but, as it is impossible to delay Vorpal Mail for any length of time, second class mail will now have a 70 percent chance of bursting into flames upon arrival, thereby successfully replicating the inherent inconvenience of the current second class service in a different way.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS - BRINGING YOU THE LATEST QUANTUM LEAP IN POSTAL TECHNOLOGY