NationStates Jolt Archive

The Caloris Basin is ranked 3rd in the region and 4,390th in the world for Largest Trout Fishing Sector.

Elijah looked over the report from the UN as it arrived. He found it highly confusing. He ranked in the top %3 or so of all known nations for trout fishing? Trout fishing?! He wasn't even sure what a "trout" was, but he was pretty sure he didn't have any on the blasted fields of fire and ice that were his home. A small piece of code buried inside his kernel seemed rather insistant, however. The biases of his capitalist programmers was making itself known. With that in mind, he shrug-analoged, and had a few drones whip together packages of rather scortched biomass.

Initiate CommandKey \\:\\:extrncomm\\broadbeam:nations_of_the_system
Return //://:extrncomm\\broadbeam:nations_of_the_system Successful

Greetings, nations of the system!

The recent UN report has correctly identified us as one of the premier trout fishers in existance. Since I don't actually have a body, and my robotic-drone citizens don't eat, I've got one Hell of a surplus of genuine Mercurial Melty Trout to sell! A Caloris Basin Exclusive.

Accept no imitations!

I'm offering the original Mercurial Melty Trout for the lowest prices ever! Converting to the commonly accepted currency of Earth (the "US Dollar"), it's only $1.50 a pound!(plus $99,999.95 shipping and handling)

You can't beat that deal with a stick! Trust me, I've tried!

Initiate CommandKey \\:\\:closeroute
Return //://:closeroute Successful

Initiate CommandKey \\:\\:extrncomm\\broadbeam:nations_of_the_system
Return //://:extrncomm\\broadbeam:nations_of_the_system Successful

Seems many people are concerned that our Mercurial Melty Trout are simply just "hunks of scorched carbon". I can tell you this is not the case.

Our competitors are spreading lies. They purchased our "Blackened Cajun Flavored Mercurial Melty Trout" and it seems they couldn't handle the 18 herbs and spices that make it just so damn good.

So, ignore these baseless lies and order your Mercurial Melty Trout today!

Initiate CommandKey \\:\\:closeroute
Return //://:closeroute Successful

Mindscape

"Control, you want us to take the TG to Mercury to pick up a load of trout?"

"Confirmed, Stairway. Carbonized fish of some description. May even be subsurface Mercurial lifeforms. Confirm tactical protocols Angelic Skies and Seraphim Order fully assimilated."

Memory twists, giving the impression of months of drill.

"Confirmed, readying."

Realspace

Twenty-one near-solid-state ships built for near-Solar work move into the axes of seven habitats, shifted to be directly "below" Mercury's near-future position. Habitat magnetic fields grapple with the solar field and intensify, making the flimsy constructs unimaginably rigid... then the ellipsoid craft are launched at huge accelerations, first on fields, then on plasma.

The discharge would have boiled continents. Here, it's a rat's fart.

Lunar Rheinland is ranked 7th in the region and 111,719th in the world for Largest Trout Fishing Sector.

Michael Smurov looked at the report in disbelief.

"What does this mean? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?"
"I... I don´t know... perhaps..."
"Perhaps WHAT?" He looked at Chris, his secretary. "I want answers. It looks damn much like the moon`s trout fishing is non- existant. This is unacceptable!"
"Well..." Chris tried to avoid Michael`s eyes, he wanted to leave, now. Maria... Maria, I love you... Even if he kills me... "There were this biker gangs who destroyed the H2O tanks, last week... And the week before... And the week before. And-"
"Shut up. Just shut the fuck up." Mikhail was holding his 20mm coilgun, aiming at Chris` crotch. "I got it. What was their motto? 'Protect our environment! Do not import xenobiological entities for they could destroy the moon`s original biosphere.', right?"
"Yes. I think they kinda..."

BLAM!

Chris stopped talking, he just looked at Mikhail, frightened. A strange smell was coming from him.
"Next time I will hit about 10cm higher up. Wonder what Maria would think about it."

Chris didn´t answer, which satisfied Michael. "They kinda f*cked with their brains, I know. 10g/ day, right?"
"T... thats about it, y... yes."
"Good. Well, we cannot afford not to have trout. Well, the people can, but I can`t. Ever heard of the Caloris Basin?"
"I... errr..."

Chris raised his gun.

"Onmercuryright?"
"Yes. Apparently, they have trout. It is a bit expensive, but I`m sure we... you can afford it. You will leave within the hour."
"Yes. Yes I will."

Chris turned around, and left the room with a haste. Michael chuckled. Fool.

But suddenly, the door opened again. Chris head could be seen, peering in, in the most obedient manner possible.

"Ummm... How much trout?"

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

"I... I will buy... enough." Ouch... Good, the carpet is red, anyway... Poor kitty, I liked her.

About an hour later, a ship, a small freighter, occasionally used as a pirate vessel, left for mercury.

Mission: Trout had begun.

Elijah couldn't believe it. People actually wanted the trout. Well, the scortched hunks of carbonized biomass that he was passing off as trout. Of course, the two nations interested in his "trout" were coming to pick it up. Bah. No S&H fees. He could probably scam sales tax or something.

Initiate CommandKey \\:\\:extrncomm\tightbeam:lunarrheinland
Initiate CommandKey \\:\\:extrncomm\tightbeam:absolutelight
Return CommandKeys Initiated Successfully

I'm so pleased to hear about your interest in Mercurial Melty Trout brand trout! Attached to this message is a set of coordinates where you can find our port facilities. We only have space for one docking at a time, I'm afraid, so first come first serve. I'm pretty sure we have enough supply for both your needs, but if not, I can easily arrange for an auction.

I'll have more acceptable facilities in the the future, but for now we must make do with what we've got. I look forward to your arrival.

Initiate CommandKey \\:\\:closeroute
Return //://:closeroute Successful

Clearly the advertising was helping things. Elijah reviewed the latest UN report and prepared to install more facilities to handle increasing demand

The Caloris Basin is ranked 1st in the region and 2,627th in the world for Largest Trout Fishing Sector.

Yes... business was indeed good.

And then, just as the trout-based fanatacism was growing, the writers all amazingly suffered heart attacks, ending the fiasco before it had fully begun.

Trout everywhere breathed a sigh of relief.


The person responsible for the above delusion has now been properly medicated. Normal service will now resume.

Idiot: Let's import that fish
Trade minister: No
Idiot: Why?
Trade minister: Look at our rank

Jeruselem is ranked 1st in the region and 5,950th in the world for Largest Trout Fishing Sector.

Idiot: I want black fish!
Trade Minister: Then buy a BBQ and marinade our local trout
Idiot: Oh?

Clearly your fish are inferior. After all, only I have "Blackened Cajun Flavored Mercurial Melty Trout" with the 18 herbs and spices that make it just so damn good. Accept no substitutions!

The Free Republic of Randwana
The Ministry of State
For Immediate Release - All Media

The Randwana Ministry of Public Health has issued a statement warning about the deleterious health effects of Mercurial Melty Trout (MMT) imported from The Caloris Basin.

"MMT has been shown to contain unhealthy amounts of carbonite," explained Minister of Health Galvenar. "Consumption of this substance causes facial tics, unsightly skin blemishes, and is the leading cause of children being born looking like lizards. MMT is a major health hazard when consumed. On the other hand, if you spread it in your garden, it can make your roses bright and bloomy."

In a related story, the Randwanan Space Corps has noted a large increase in interplanetary freighter traffic in Randwanan space. As a result, the Ministry of War has raised the Interplanetary Goofball Threat Level to "Orange".

Please direct all press inquiries to Aichtemel, Special Assistant to the Minister of State.

Lies.

OOC: I have to tag this, its hilarious.

The Caloris Basin is ranked 3rd in the region and 3,667th in the world for Largest Pizza Delivery Sector.

Mecurial Melty Inc. is pleased to announce it's latest product: Mercurial Melty Pizza! Yes, you too can have that One Of A Kind taste of genuine Mercurial Melty Pizza. Our most popular flavor is, of course, Blackened Cajun Pizza, but we have literally thousands for you to choose from! You name it, we'll make it!

And because we realise that delivery charges can be painful, we ship in bulk! And as an extra added bonus, our deliveryman, Nebulon, doesn't even need to be tipped! Not that you'd want to. Nobody likes his style.

It seems that I forgot to include a price in my previous transmition. Well, fear not, Mercurial Melty Pizza is available and reasonably priced. Unlike those cheap bastards at other joints, we don't charge for extra toppings! Hell, we don't even charge for different sizes! Small, Medium, Large, Family, or "OMG HUGE!" (TM) are all available for the same low price of $10.00!(plus $99,999.95 delivery charge)

You can't beat these prices with a good sized lead pipe! Especially not on Mercury. It'll melt!

The Caloris Basin is ranked 2nd in the region and 2,984th in the world for Largest Timber Woodchipping Industry.

Elijah sighed, his silvery avatar rippling with the motion. "Now I know the UN believes the bullshit reports I send them..." He looked at the little scuttlebot that danced around his feet with nervious energy, "How the Hell do we rank higher than the motherland, when we don't have trees?!" He sighed again, idly kicking the scuttlebot which clicked its legs in irritation and scampered off to do... well... whatever it was made to do, Elijah didn't really remember. Still... a market was a market. He summoned a transbot and had it beam out another message:

I am pleased to announce the latest edition to the Mercurial Melty line. We are now selling official Mercurial Melty Woodchips, which add the perfect flavor when grilling your Mercurial Melty Trout. The smokey flavor that they add is worth any price, but we're selling it for only $1.99 for a ten pound bag (plus standard shipping rates). We're so confident that Mercurial Melty Woodchips will improve the flavor of your Mercurial Melty Trout experience, I'll send you a free box of Mercurial Melty Trout with every bag of Mercurial Melty Woodchips you buy!

And keeping with my previous assertations, I've designed an entire legion of stickbots who's sole purpose in life is to try and beat this deal with a stick. Trust me, they've failed!

The Caloris Basin is ranked 2nd in the region and 5,667th in the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector.

Elijah blinked. He just couldn't see it.

http://www.unm.edu/~aramenof/slag.jpg

Mercurial Melty... Cars? No... that was going a bit too far.

OOC First time I fell out of my chair all day... TAG and keep it going!

The Caloris Basin is ranked 3rd in the region and 1,969th in the world for Largest Soda Pop Sector.

That's right folks, we're now offering Mercurial Melty Soda Pop! Continuing to offer amazing products at painfull cheap prices (plus standard Shipping and Handling) we're selling Mercurial Melty Soda at the low-low price of $0.01 per case!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v251/Tindalos/Steam.jpg

Mercurial Melty Soda! The Pop You Can Breathe!(TM)

I've heard of carbonated beverages, but this is really ridiculous....

The Caloris Basin is ranked 1st in the region and 887th in the world for Largest Timber Woodchipping Industry.

We here at MMInc. are thrilled with the success of Mercurial Melty Wood Chips! We've noticed that we've grown with leaps and bounds, and are trilled that the universe enjoys our products!

We invite all our customers to see where the magic takes place! Yes, that's right, come to Mercury! Visit the pristine wilderness; squirrels running up and down the trees in the wide rainforests... The wide, burning rainforests!

It's all here on Mercury!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v251/Tindalos/yellowstonefire.jpg


Props to Der Angst for the burning rainforests

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Thompson was amazed. His MK CXIV PHR (Pressure, radiation, Heat) suit allowed him to walk the sun. And indeed, it was amazing, watching its boiling oceans of plasma, giant solar flares releasing an energy in the hundreds of teratons, plasma bubbles reaching up hundreds of thousands of kilometers, radiating thousands of Kelvins of heat, colouring the world around him in a briegt, yellow- red picture.

Yet, there were even more amazing things happening down here. Things he would never have imagined. But the figure next to him, an amorphous creature, its skin a plasma, sixthousand Kelvins of sheer heat, several kilometers long, changing, morphing all the time, showed them to him.

"Wow."

There they were, hundreds, thousands of trees, typical, middle european woods, standing on the sun, a nice, beautiful creek flowing between the various trees, fireflies, butterflies all between them, so beautiful...

"Thompson! Thompson!"

"Hrm?"

Thompson opened his eyes, sleepily, just to see the rather angry face of Catherine Gratwick in front of him. He shrieked, jerking back.

"Y... yes, ma'am?"

Then he looked at his screen.

Solar Giants is ranked 1st in the region and 67,110th in the world for Largest Timber Woodchipping Industry.

"Oops..."

He really needed to stop typing while he dreamt during his LSD trips.