Wombat News
14-04-2004, 18:07
Um Lizaa; Wombat News
Iraqstani Führer Carlos Quil’Raya is reported to be very excited by an Iraqstani plan to train “guard pigs” for service on the Wall of Purity project in northern Um Lizaa, and is said to have offered considerable financial assistance and support.
According to a government spokeswoman, pigs have a much better sense of smell than dogs and are able to identify weapons from huge distances, and walk in the direction of unclean Um Lizaans, thereby pointing them out.
"We had initially considered kangaroos, which have a good sense of smell and can deliver a powerful kick, thus disarming an Um Lizaan," she said, "but we realised they would be able to jump over the security fences we're building, so we had to abandon that idea."
Government spokeswoman Nataliya Danashova went on to tell Wombat News that the Iraqstani government was very taken with the idea and were considering proposals for a joint development project with its allies to share information and to develop a genetically modified “smart pig” that not only had an even more acute sense of smell, but could also be equipped with night vision and trained in the martial arts and use of firearms. "And eventually we would want to be able to train them to fly," she said.
"That's the way of the future," she added, "to get people out of combat zones - except for mopping up operations - after the pigs have done their thing."
Upon learning of this proposal, Hubert Featherstonehaugh of Wombats for the Ethical Treatment of Swine told Wombat News that WETS was strongly opposed. "We know that some countries have been using dolphins for military purposes for a while," he said, "but training pigs as killers is going too far."
"At a minimum," he continued, "we insist that any pig that is sent into a combat zone be given adequate protective clothing, including a helmet, and be accorded full protection under the Geneva Convention if captured. None of that 'unlawful combatant' nonsense. And we demand that absolutely no pig be coerced into accepting a kamikaze mission."
"In the case of capture," he added, "we specifically demand guarantees that the pig would not be executed and eaten. While that might not be an issue in some countries where they are considered unclean, who is to say that battalions of pigs won't be deployed in other theatres where they are considered a delicacy?"
According to an unidentified Angband source, whilst Melkor Unchained is a peace-loving nation, it could not allow a killer pig gap to develop and will be starting its own smart pig programme immediately. Sources close to the Menelmacari defence industry have also informed Wombat News of a rapid Menelmacari response to the Melkor initiative with a request for a budget increase of $500bn to develop a space-based Strategic Pig Defence Initiative.
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Iraqstani Führer Carlos Quil’Raya is reported to be very excited by an Iraqstani plan to train “guard pigs” for service on the Wall of Purity project in northern Um Lizaa, and is said to have offered considerable financial assistance and support.
According to a government spokeswoman, pigs have a much better sense of smell than dogs and are able to identify weapons from huge distances, and walk in the direction of unclean Um Lizaans, thereby pointing them out.
"We had initially considered kangaroos, which have a good sense of smell and can deliver a powerful kick, thus disarming an Um Lizaan," she said, "but we realised they would be able to jump over the security fences we're building, so we had to abandon that idea."
Government spokeswoman Nataliya Danashova went on to tell Wombat News that the Iraqstani government was very taken with the idea and were considering proposals for a joint development project with its allies to share information and to develop a genetically modified “smart pig” that not only had an even more acute sense of smell, but could also be equipped with night vision and trained in the martial arts and use of firearms. "And eventually we would want to be able to train them to fly," she said.
"That's the way of the future," she added, "to get people out of combat zones - except for mopping up operations - after the pigs have done their thing."
Upon learning of this proposal, Hubert Featherstonehaugh of Wombats for the Ethical Treatment of Swine told Wombat News that WETS was strongly opposed. "We know that some countries have been using dolphins for military purposes for a while," he said, "but training pigs as killers is going too far."
"At a minimum," he continued, "we insist that any pig that is sent into a combat zone be given adequate protective clothing, including a helmet, and be accorded full protection under the Geneva Convention if captured. None of that 'unlawful combatant' nonsense. And we demand that absolutely no pig be coerced into accepting a kamikaze mission."
"In the case of capture," he added, "we specifically demand guarantees that the pig would not be executed and eaten. While that might not be an issue in some countries where they are considered unclean, who is to say that battalions of pigs won't be deployed in other theatres where they are considered a delicacy?"
According to an unidentified Angband source, whilst Melkor Unchained is a peace-loving nation, it could not allow a killer pig gap to develop and will be starting its own smart pig programme immediately. Sources close to the Menelmacari defence industry have also informed Wombat News of a rapid Menelmacari response to the Melkor initiative with a request for a budget increase of $500bn to develop a space-based Strategic Pig Defence Initiative.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – BRINGING HOME THE BACON EVERY TIME