NationStates Jolt Archive

"Good Evening everyone, this is Comet Cupid with the Whyzardia Information Network. Here are today's headlines:

---CEO Whyzard under arrest!

CEO Whyzard was placed under arrest today and ordered confined to his palatial estate pending trial. According to Chief of Security Hans Zupp the CEO was arrested for attempting to keep the only known living specimen of our national animal, the Golden Goose, on his private estate as his personal pet instead of installing it in the recently completed Sacred Temple of the Golden Goose. According to Zupp "the Golden Goose is not just a symbol of the prosperity of our wealthy nation, She is the living embodiment of our national religion and belongs in the Sacred Temple that we expended billions of Almighty Dollar to construct for Her. Nobody, not even the CEO, can be allowed to keep Her as a personal pet!"

CEO Whyzard has declined comment but anonymous sources say that he is convinced that all descendants of the original Golden Goose should be the property of the descendants of its original owner.

---Board of Directors schedules vote on the development of Nuclear Weaponry

The argument continues to rage among the governing board members as to whether Whyzardia should reverse its stance on developing its own nuclear weapons. The board has been deadlocked over the proposal for some time, with CEO Whyzard's tie breaking nay vote having held up the program so far. However, with the CEO currently under arrest the upcoming board vote on the issue next week may well result in either passage of the measure or a possible tie. According to the government's charter a tie vote would put the proposal up for a nationwide proxy vote, possibly as early as next month.

---Attempted Plutonium Shipment Hijacking Thwarted

Chief of Security Han Zupp announced today that an attempt to hijack a convoy carrying plutonium to the Volklund nuclear plant from the Atom City breeder reactor facility was narrowly foiled. A well armed group sprung an ambush on the convoy in a narrow mountain pass on the rugged Norfolk Peninsula and actually succeeded in killing all the convoy guards and gaining control of the transport vehicles. The thieves were unable to make off with their deadly cargo however thanks to the quick scrambling of a pair of F-15 Strike Eagles from the nearby Norfolk Air Base. All of the hijackers were killed when the fighter-bombers plastered the fleeing transports with napalm, which incinerated the hijackers without risking a breach of the containment vessels containing the deadly metal.

In order to foil further hijacking attempts, Zupp also announced that future shipments to our subsidiary nuclear plants will now be escorted by a detachment of M1A2 Abrams tanks in addition to the normal escort of light APCs and Apache helicopters. "If these thugs want to steal our plutonium they are going to need heavier weapons than the RPGs and shoulder fired anti-air missles they used to take out our escorts this time" states Zupp.

WIN News Update: Latest Headlines

---Elections to be Held Next Month!

With the arrest and indictment of CEO Whyzard on charges of theft of a national treasure the Ruling Board of Directors has unanimously declared the office of CEO vacant and as required by our constitution have scheduled an emergency nationwide proxy vote to select his replacement. Also as required by the constitution the Board has nominated a slate of 3 candidates that the citizenry will select from. The candidates are current Marketing Director Owat Adeal, current Chief Financial Officer Penny Pinscher, and current Chief Intelligence Officer Bond James Bond.

A scheduled vote by the Board on the question of nuclear weapons research resulted in a tie. Since the stance of all the board members was already well known this was an expected result after the arrest of CEO Whyzard left his tie breaking seat vacant. As put forth in our constitution, a tie vote on a board decision means the question will be placed on the next proxy ballot, which thanks to Whyzard's arrest will take place in the proscribed 30 days.

Initial poll results indicate that Pinscher has the early lead with 44%. The staunchly conservative Pinscher is the only candidate on the ballot who opposed nuclear weapon development and is the early favorite.

Adeal is running a close second at 37%. The Marketing Director is well known to all Whyzardians and is generally considered to be the center candidate. Adeal supports the nuclear weapon development plan, which experts predict may cost him the elections as he shares pro-nuke voters with Bond.

Bond, trailing a distant third with 19%, is relatively unknown to the average citizen, though he has been the Chief of Intelligence for several years. He has shown himself to be strongly in favor of increasing the military, including the development of a large strategic nuclear deterrent of ICBMs and massive funding for developing a ground-based "Star-Wars" missile defense system. His suave charm also gives him a sizable following among women voters

---Former CEO Whyzard makes Incredible Plea Bargain

Former CEO Whyzard has reportedly reached a plea bargain with the Ruling Board that results in his receiving no jail time. Whyzard's defense was to convice the Board that his only crime was his devotion to the Sacred Golden Goose and that in lieu of criminal prosecution he instead be allowed to assume the office of High Priest of the Sacred Temple of the Golden Goose. By a bare majority the Board decided to accept this offer and the former CEO has already taken up his residence at the Sacred Temple. None of the board members had any comment when asked about the whereabouts of the estimated 90 Golden Eggs laid by the Goose while in Whyzard's possession but the new High Priest assured the public that they had been put to good use and were no longer in his possession.

---Hijacker Identities still Unknown

The Intelligence Division reports that they have been totallly unable to discover the nationality of the men who recently hijacked a shipment of plutonium. The use of napalm to stop the hijackers before they could reach the relative safety of the rugged Volklund Mountains has been widely criticised in the media thanks to the complete destruction of all forensic evidence but the move has been defended stauchly by the military as necessary to stop the thieves in their tracks without risking rupture of the transport containers.