NationStates Jolt Archive

All OOC:

As we have been queried a number of times about how we can justify reporting matters IC which we should not have IC knowledge of, we thought that we would try, in the spirit of NationStates, to set up a bit of a background to Wombat News – for you all to poke holes in! Furthermore, GODMOD ALERT!!

Background

Wombat News is a corporate entity which specialises in reporting on current events in NationStates. It was set up by Australian Marsupials (the player), when it was appreciated that a small, but significant, group of regular readers existed, to allow Wombat News to develop as the premier NationStates news and commentary service (think Reuters / TASS / Private Eye etc), without impacting on Australian Marsupials’ interaction with other nations in the NationStates multi-verse (although you will all note that Australian Marsupials has become pretty much quiescent ever since!!), and with our legendary impartiality unimpugned.

Wombat News exists in an offshore tax haven for fiscal reasons (we don’t like paying tax!). This tax haven is a small bubble universe which we understand was created by vorpal technology (don’t ask us, we just live here!). The Bubble (as those of us who live and work here call it) appears to have been previously occupied and there are plenty of artefacts present about which we have absolutely no knowledge, but which we are researching (and no, we’re not going to invite anyone else to play!).

The Bubble is wabe-linked to Wombat News’ sole physical presence in the NationStates universe, our branch office in Australian Marsupials (the whereabouts of which is kept highly confidential – known only to certain high officials in the Australian Marsupials government - but is rumoured to be the back room of a pub somewhere deep in the Outback). We discovered (by accident, it must be admitted – Glenda never has been the same since!) that this link can be turned on and off by means of a small switch located on a rock just inside the Bubble – why, we don’t know – but we do know that we can switch off the link.

The branch office handles all queries from the NationStates multi-verse (if you can find it – and that’s not a challenge!) regarding editorial policy, advertising, publishing schedules, advertising, complaints, spam, news and future programming (did we mention advertising?).

The same vorpal technology, powered by the large sources of sarcasium, ironium and satirium found growing wild in the Bubble we call home, enables us to travel in all four dimensions using what we know as a bandersnatch – a semi-sentient, artificial crystalline construct which carries our journalists to places we would not normally be able to reach, and enables them to observe events unseen and undetected (and for all you über-tech, magical, eldar and psychic nations: that means completely unseen and undetected – even by you!!).

We don’t really understand how the technology works – the bandersnatches appear and disappear at whim (although they always bring our boys and girls home to the right time and place!), and seem to have a pretty good sense of what might make good news copy. We aren’t complaining, and we seem to get some pretty good scoops.

[more to be added, perhaps .. !]

Archive

As the thread monster continues to consume older threads, we are taking this step to try to preserve some of what we consider to have been our better news stories. Unfortunately, the thread monster has beaten us to a lot of them, so there will be gaps – if anyone can help fill them, we are open to assistance. Equally, since we hadn’t really considered the existence of the thread monster, we haven’t kept copies of earlier stories, so bear with us while we try to recover what we can from the scribbles on scraps of paper and beer-mats which we can find. Paper – it’s the way of the future!!

Please don’t start jumping up and down if the stories don’t appear exactly as they originally did (or as you remember they did) – we’re doing our best from beer-mats (or we’re editing them to reflect more current affairs!)!

As we resurrect stories, we’ll post them to this archive thread. Perhaps, one day, a mod might consider this thread for the Archive, and safety from the thread monster, but we won’t hold our breath.

In the meantime, here’s an early Wombat News as a taster.

WN

AM Motors Vehicles to Feature Elder Race-Detecting Locks
Motown, Australian Marsupials; Wombat News

AM Motors has promised to include Elder Race-detecting locks on their more expensive car models, including the Fat Cat S-Class, the HomeBoy 300M, and the Dodge Flopper, by 2005. The newly developed mechanism is designed to recognise Elder Races near the vehicle and lock the car doors before a situation can arise.

"A lot of our human customers have explained the fear they feel when an elf or dwarf walks near their car while stopped at a traffic light," said an AM Motors spokesman. "We had this system put in to comfort and keep them safe."

The system, called ElfOut, utilises hidden tolkenite sensors around the car. Once a sensor recognises a being with high levels of tolkenite within 50 feet of the car, it triggers the door locks.

S-Class owner Franklyn Knuts is pleased with the new technology.

"I used to be terrified of driving, especially through woods and dales," he said. "One time I was adjusting the temperature of the heated seats when I looked up and noticed an elf walking along the pavement only a few feet away. I locked my doors just in time. He had his lyre out so, as you can imagine, it was quite unnerving."

The system is not without its faults, though. It is unable to detect hobbits because of levels of tolkenite similar to humans.

"There are some kinks to work out," said the spokesman. "We’re seeing if we can create some sort of leggings detector, so that half-elves, woodsmen and others who act in an Elder Race manner can be perceived by the sensors."

Other detection targets being considered are hair braids, faded glories, cram, mithril chain-mail and beards.

AM Motors warns that with the first version of ElfOut, although drivers will be able to let their guard down a bit, they will still have to be aware of the aforementioned loopholes.

"I’m just looking forward to being able to concentrate more on the road, and not entirely on the persons on the side of the road," said Knuts. "I feel safer already."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – KEEP THEM OUT WITH ELFOUT

Elves Insist They are Not Dumber Than Rice - Many Believed to Be Correct
Tor Yvresse; Wombat News

Word that genetic researchers have discovered a cell of rice contains more genes than the cell of an elf has caused widespread outrage as elves across NationStates attempt to prove that they are easily as smart as a grain of rice.

In Menelmacar, 2,435 year old Faeri num Schull was one of many average elves who devised intelligence tests to discredit the implication that rice is more evolved. The street-sweeper began by taping a grain of rice to a brick wall – "but lightly, so it could move if it had to" - then hopping behind the wheel of his Silivren Rochon grav-van. After honking several times to give fair warning, num Schull drove at high speed directly into the rice. According to eyewitnesses, however, the rice never moved.

Said one Menelmacari police officer who observed the scene: "Stupid rice."

As in num Schull's case, elves have managed to prevail in almost every test. In Kandarin, state employee Fooli Shmuppet said he took "two out of three" in a geography quiz against the allegedly brainy grain. And in Tor Yvresse, delivery-elf Imp Rudence is confident he will win a chess match that began three days ago. Asked why the game was taking so long, Rudence explained that the rice is using the white pieces. "I'm still waiting for it to make the first move," he said.

Rice Riots

While most elf v. grain confrontations have been peaceful, a few have erupted into violence. Most notably, rice riots erupted yesterday in Melkor Unchained after an angry crowd of dark elf younglings spotted an orc who, they decided, looked like a piece of rice. After chasing the orc for two blocks, the throng grew bored, but managed to salvage an otherwise disappointing afternoon by ransacking a tavern.

In response, the Milky Bar Kid has called for a boycott of any food product companies that differentiate between white and brown rice.

The press, meanwhile, has generally denounced the findings. In a front-page editorial, KNN of Knootoss questioned whether researchers had taken cells from a representative cross-section of elves, or just half-elves. Expressing its anger, KNN called the report "as useless as studies insisting there is a widespread ‘dumbing-down’ of Knootians," and included a series of colourful graphs and charts to illustrate its point.

If any one sentiment prevails, however, it is the belief in elven superiority. To that end, Wombat News released the results of a poll asking "Are elves dumber than rice?" A full 51 percent of respondents voted no, while only 15 percent clicked yes. The remaining 34 percent accidentally clicked the wrong button, panicked, and deleted their browsers.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – A GRAIN OF TRUTH FROM THE FRONTLINE OF EVOLUTION

Holy Wombat and AMF In Historic Deal - All Evangelists Hell-Bound
Wagga Wagga, Wombat News

In an exclusive interview with Wombat News, the Holy Wombat has revealed that he has made a historic deal with the Master of the Pit to send all evangelical and born-again Christians, past, present and future, to hell, for eternity.

This unprecedented pact, between the lords of Light and Darkness, was agreed last week in a special summit. The Holy Wombat is said to be "pleased" with the outcome and Damien Dreadfire (“call me Lucy”), is said to be “burning with pleasure" as a result of the deal.

In his interview with Wombat News, the Holy Wombat explained why he agreed to send all evangelists and born-again Christians to hell. "You know, after a hard day’s partying, there is nothing I like better than putting my feet up and relaxing in my favourite chair, with a few tinnies and the footie on Wombat TV. Then I get lectured by some holier than thou evangelical Christian about the evils of drink and gambling. I mean, they’ve got a nerve".

“So, after some consultation with Lucy, we’ve both agreed that the best place for all these evangelical and born-again Christians is hell, effective immediately. This wasn't a hard choice for me – they’ve been getting on my nerves for some time. Iusus Christi and the like, they are really something".

"Galah gave me the idea to send them all to hell. That bird has got brains!".

"Lucy has promised to give them all an especially warm welcome. I am pleased about that. He is not as bad as he is made out to be, you know".

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS TO KEEP YOU WARM AND SAFE AT NIGHT

XXXX OKs Orc-Human Union
Ecks Ecks Ecks Ecks; Wombat News

Rights granted under the provisions of a controversial new law were exercised for the first time late last week as the first Orc-Human marriage was performed in Dryzabone, Ecks Ecks Ecks Ecks. The union between Billy Wingnut and Aftik White-Handorc marks the end a five-year struggle that will finally allow those of mixed species to be joined together in “wedded bliss”.

"Oh, my Holy Wombat, this is the happiest day of my life. Now we can go on our honeymoon, and then home and not feel like sinners. Aftik and I are going to make this the most memorable night of our lives. Isn't that right, Affy?" Wingnut said.

Ecks Ecks Ecks Ecks is the first state to allow human and orc marriages, having enacted a new law giving them all rights and responsibilities of any other married couple. The law was passed on 27 August after a five-year struggle through the XXXX parliament. Late on 27 August, the last block was cleared as the XXXX Court of Appeal ruled that the law was permitted under the XXXX Constitution.

"Can you believe it? It was sooo amazing when I heard the news," Wingnut said. "When I heard it on Wombat News, I just fell to my knees and cried like a baby. If I was a religious man, I would have thanked the Holy Wombat, but he looks down on people like us. So anyway, after my cry, I went straight over to Affy's place, and we did the wild thing all night. Oh my Holy Wombat, I can't believe I just used that stupid phrase!"

With the new law now in effect, officials are getting ready for the flood of inter-species couples looking to get married.

"Oh man, it's going to be nuts," said Red Necker, state Registrar of Marriages. "All those bloody perverts coming out of the woodwork. You know, the other day I saw this bird with one of those … what the hell are they called ... the really tall, hairy things ... a Wookie … yes, that's it! A Wookie!! Here in Dryzabone. I mean, what the hell is this world coming too? I mean, one time I was really attracted to this nos Fëanor bit of fluff, but that was just a passing phase."

White-Handorc and Wingnut say that they aren't concerning themselves with how they will be perceived outside of Ecks Ecks Ecks Ecks, saying that as long as they are happy, the rest of the world can "go to hell”.

"Sah lulabe, ghu. Bloy' ngal, gaho. Qchaw [my] 'ghtaq. Choba' chongr, qaw. Jey, jlba [on your] tln, char 'ghtaq. Mang!" White-Handorc said.

In the short time since the law was passed, 653 inter-species couples have been married and another 7,899 have applied for marriage licenses in Ecks Ecks Ecks Ecks.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – FLYING THE FLAG OF INTER-SPECIES HARMONY

Pope to "Get Medieval" on Normack
The Vatican; Wombat News

The Pope has replied with startling force to yesterday’s attempts to change the regime in the Vatican by Normack (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=70199). The aging pontiff, supporting his head with his hands in his now characteristic fashion, vowed to get “medieval on those villainous Normack asses”.

“The former glory of the Church, attained through the unprecedented bloodshed of the Crusades, will again be realised” asserted John Paul II.

Furthermore, in an uncharacteristic break from standard Church policy, it was disclosed that the Vatican was not behind the times - at least, not militarily.

“We have been conducting an heretofore undisclosed uranium enrichment project, which has yielded extremely successful results,” advised the Pope.

Vatican officials followed up the Pope’s comments by revealing disturbing details of the secret project - termed Guided Object of Destruction (code named “Project GOD”). The programme has created an arsenal of long-range ICBMs equipped with nuclear warheads, each capable of reaching continental Normack. The Vatican is in possession of at least 30 such missiles, with the capability of producing an average of five additional weapons per year. The actual location of the armoury remains a guarded secret.

Dr. Hands Overmyeyes, head of the UN Monitoring, Verification. and Inspection Commission (UNMOVIC), and his team of inspectors were immediately dispatched to the Vatican City State, but were unable to locate the weapons within the vast spaces of the 1 square mile city.

The Normack government had no immediate comment on the revelation. However, insiders have made predictions as to how this may affect policy towards the Vatican. An anonymous official offered us the following comments: “It’s quite a different situation when we KNOW they have the weapons - it takes the guesswork out of things. It actually kind of scares us a little, and we as a government try to ignore things that frighten us. I think you’ll see huge adjustments in policy with regards to our stance on regime change in the Vatican.”

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – IN THE HOLY WOMBAT WE TRUST

World Traffic Court Hears First Case
Knootoss; Wombat News

In a simple, but solemn and moving, opening ceremony, the twelve black-robed justices of the newly-established World Traffic Court held their first session at the Palace of Vehicular Justice in The Hague, Knootoss. Chief Justice Ted Iyous (SeOCC) quickly gavelled the Court to order as he and his fellow justices from Vrak, Enodia, Xanthal, Esamopia, Western Asia, Draykon, Kitsylvania, Ale Knights, Grunge-France, Enigcir and Austrin-Ontin heard their first case, House v. Menelmacar, an appeal of a $150 fine levied against Wendy House of Tor Yvresse by the Elentari’s Court of Menelmacar. Mrs. House was stopped by Menelmacari police on 29 September this year for allegedly doing 32 mph in a 30 mph zone.

In his opening statement, Bill Allott, Mrs. House’s lawyer who is best known for his long associations with the Wombat News group, claimed that his client was really doing only between 22 and 25 mph and that the state of Menelmacar operates "speed traps" in which drivers with foreign licence plates are routinely given bogus speeding tickets, the receipts of which constitute 68% of the Menelmacari traffic police force’s annual operating budget. The trial is expected to last more than six weeks, and Mr. Allott says that he intends to have 37 expert witnesses testify as well as introduce into evidence spy satellite imagery that will "prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mrs. House was and continues to be the victim of a gigantic governmental conspiracy to deprive her of her most basic human rights."

Most experts give Mrs. House a 50-50 chance of winning her appeal, but doubt that the case will establish any legal precedents regardless of how the court decides. Great anticipation, however, awaits the next case on the court’s docket, Black v. Tor Yvresse, in which a Roanian man is seeking the overturning of his conviction for parking in a handicapped zone that he claims was not clearly indicated as such.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE LAY-BYS OF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

Sketchians Demand Menelmacari Aid In Protesting Against ... um ... Menelmacar
Sketch; Wombat News

Sketchian officials announced today that the recent series of government-sponsored demonstrations, where as many as 100,000 rallied to protest against Menelmacar, has depleted food reserves in the capital. Following receipt of news that Menelmacar has established a new Prefecture of Compassionate Relief (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=82370&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0), Sketchian officials have demanded that Menelmacar provide greater food aid in order to avert a catastrophic famine.

"Obviously, we can't demand that thousands appear at the rally while hungry," said Noh Noos, a Ministry of Information spokesman. "We must provide the protestors with sustenance so that they can cheer for the eventual destruction of Menelmacar with vigour."

Maglor nos Fëanor, newly-appointed head of the Prefecture, was reluctant to go on the record in support of increased aid. However, Menelmacari sources close to the Elentári have been quick to point out that an increase in aid would not only show that Menelmacar was sensitive to the needs of Sketch, but also that the Elentári doesn't mind bending over for dictators.

"I said bending over backwards for poor nations," corrected the nameless, and soon-to-be-hunted-down-and-executed Wombat News source. "The Sketchians haven't clubbed any Menelmacari to death since the late 90s, and it has been almost a day since they last sent rude messages to the Elentári."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS DIRECT FROM THE SOURCE OF ELF-AID

Granny Slag to Market Suicide Bomber Jackets
The SLAGLands, Wombat News

Venerable manufacturer Granny Slag (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=43344) today announced that it was going to begin marketing a new line of suicide bomber jackets to the lucrative religious nutcases market.

"We think that your typical crazed suicide bomber is looking for the durability and quality that the name Granny Slag represents," said Vivian Lockheart, CEO of Granny Slag. "Our 'Zipper-Bomb'® Suicide Bomber Jacket features 20 pockets that allow the discerning suicide bomber to comfortably carry up to 40 sticks of dynamite or 15 kilos of plastique without creasing or fraying the material. And it has that stylish comfort and quality that Granny Slag is so famous for. Plus, if the jacket is in any way damaged during a bombing attempt, you know that Granny Slag will fix or replace the damaged jacket free of charge."

Ads for the Zipper-Bomb® jacket will hit the airwaves later this week on the Wombat TV network and will feature celebrity spokes-models Joanna von Sachausen and Eris Kallisti. Industry analysts are already predicting a rosy fourth quarter for Granny Slag based on sales projections for the new jackets.

In related news, [violet]-based Violet’s Secrets has just announced the addition of the nipple-less burqa to its Winter catalogue.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE CUTTING EDGE OF FASHION

AM Gov’t issues Letters of Marque to Airlines
Galah Galah, Wombat News

The Australian Marsupials Government announced today that it had decided on a cost-effective way to assist the nation's flagging airlines, most of whom have suffered from declining ticket sales in the past two years.

"We believe that issuing Letters of Marque to our airlines will enable them to recoup a substantial percentage of their losses at virtually no expense to the Australian Marsupials taxpayer," said William Dampier, an AM government spokeman, yesterday afternoon. "This is, to my mind, a win-win situation."

Letters of marque are documents providing governmental authority to fit out an armed vessel and use it to attack, capture, and plunder enemy merchant vessels in time of war. They were used extensively by, amongst others, Queen Elizabeth I in the 16th and early 17th centuries, producing some notable privateers such as Sir Francis Drake. To date, they have only been used for sailing vessels, but government analysts see "no reason" why a Boeing jumbo jet wouldn't qualify as a suitable vessel.

"We’re very excited about this proposal," said Edward Teach, the newly appointed CEO of the embattled Australian Marsupials national carrier, Bunyip Airlines. "The windows in a 747 already look like portholes; all we have to do is stick some cannons out of them, and we're ready to go." Logistics are still being worked out, but it is likely that passengers sitting in a gun row will have similar obligations and restrictions as those sitting in an exit row.

Traditionally, letters of marque provide authority to plunder ships from a specific nation. Mr. Dampier was somewhat vague about the target countries, saying only that "well, if you need a translator to talk to them, odds are they could be fair game."

Numerous countries have expressed deep concern over the plan, noting that letters of marque have not been valid under international law for several centuries. "Frankly, the last thing we need is for jumbo jets full of Australian Marsupials back-packers to be hoisting the Jolly Roger and firing broadsides at any Airbus that comes across their path," said an anonymous diplomat from the United Kingdom. "I mean, we had our fun and all with Drake; but let's not get carried away."

AM government officials stressed that the letters only provided for "opportunistic plundering" and that flight plans would not be changed to increase the odds of better prey. "However, if someone goes a little out of their way to get their hands on a Transworld Airline Alliance (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=76346) flight packed with gold bullion, well, that's their affair."

Human rights groups were outraged, but not surprised, at the developments. "It's really just a hop, skip and a jump away from allowing handguns in the cockpit," said Amnesty International spokesperson Brianna Wetblanket. "Hopefully passengers will get tired of sharing cabin space with giant smoking cannons and the delays caused by all this privateering."

To complete the signing ceremony, Bunyip Airlines brand-new 747 flew overhead and fired off a broadside at a passing KanangAir jet. "Yo ho ho," said Mr. Dampier.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE CUTTING EDGE OF PRIVATE ENTERPRISE

Angelus adds to IGNORE List
Woollorolorollooo; Wombat News

Angelus has added several new items to the infamous “Group of Ignore” (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=81719&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0), which previously included countries such as The SLAGlands. And already, seemingly, all good NationStaters, inflamed with the fury of brainwashed nationalists, have grown to both fear and despise these additions to the Group.

The additions - which include Capsule Corpuscle, blackberry jam, the name "Jeremy" and apple pie - were "carefully and purposely" picked by Angelus.

"We cannot, I repeat, cannot, allow such atro-… atric-... horrible things to invade our world. By adding them to the Group of Ignore, I, Angelus, have ensured the safety of all NationStates citizens," stated Angel in a public address Friday evening. "I would like to draw particular attention to additive 'apple pie', which is obviously threatening the security of Titan …. I mean, NationStates," she quickly corrected herself, ignoring shocked comments from many other countries – soon also to be “ignored”.

Wombat News did ask a representative apple pie if there was any response to Angelus’ allegations, although critics are already calling the response "half-baked".

"I am not evil! I'm only trying to save all your dumb asses from peach melbas!" it shouted before being escorted back to the kitchen, where it will be re-heated and served to a group of Iesus Christi school-children on a school trip to learn about immigration issues.

A study produced by researchers at Woollorolorollooo University indicates that most NationStaters support Angelus’ decision.

"Clearly, apple pie is simply defeatist. It insists on peaceful relations with most desserts – especially cream - when clearly the answer is to n00k every country, and also flapjacks," said Rupert Muppet, head of the n00b Study Program, recently founded at the prestigious university by Angelus herself.

Muppet added that he believes apple pie to be "a damn commie trick".

School bus-driver Pie D. Pyper shared Muppet's opinions.

"Apple pie? Sounds like a commie name. I'd say give it the electric chair, or maybe just put it on the next season of Big Brother. God, that show sucks."

The apple pie, shouting through the opening of the micro-wave in the basement of Pies-R-Us, has repeatedly claimed it is "not part of the Group of Ignore". It has also tried to clear the name of blackberry jam, which it says is "actually quite delicious". As we went to press, it also indicated that it expects protesters to help break it out.

And indeed, students at Woollorolorollooo University’s Platypus campus have been "sort of thinking about protesting".

"Maybe, if they stop showing Big Brother reruns," says student Goggle Bocks. "I mean, I guess it’s kind of awful. I'm not really that into the peach melba idea, either, and I think the Group of Ignore thing is kind of weird, you know?"

Armed guards promptly sprung out of Bocks’ closet and clubbed him to the floor with truncheons before taking him to prison.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM SOMEWHERE OVER THE EDGE OF SANITY

Wombat TV Launches “Survivor: Islamic Law”
GoggleBox, Wombat News

“Survivor: Islamic Law" is going to be the next craze in reality TV, according to pundits and Wombat TV network executives. Created by television genius Cath O’Dray, the show will closely follow the ‘Survivor’ format but will have only female contestants and will pit them against each other under the harsh Islamic regime of North Star. Set to air next spring and to be filmed this fall outside Luxx, the show will feature sixteen Iesus Christi women competing for a million dollars and voting each other off week by week. "That is, unless they don't get stoned to death first," laughed O’Dray, appearing on Wombat TV's Breakfast Show yesterday.

The women will not be provided with anything, and that includes veils and robes. "They'll have the usual ‘Survivor’ logo bandannas, and bikinis, of course, but that's about it. So the minute a North Star official sees one of them, she'll be killed," said O’Dray.

Luxury and reward challenges for the women on "Survivor: Islamic Law" will include stealing bread from a local baker without getting your hand chopped off, looking in the general direction of a man without getting whipped in the public square, trying to get behind the wheel of a car without being bayoneted and saying nice things about elves out loud within earshot of a North Star police officer without getting shot on sight.

Jenny Ralstrike and Charlene Traylor-Park from the first ‘Survivor’ conceded that "Survivor: Islamic Law" sounds much tougher than the time they spent getting a tan and eating rice and bananas on the island of Layzi Mon Keigh in the South China Sea.

But former sorority girl Kelly Wasp, one of the contestants from "Survivor: Africa", insists that she and her fellow competitors had it much worse. "Like, there was like, that one time, for example, when the Ell Air Force mistook where we lived for a terrorist training camp. That was like, totally narly."

O’Dray rejects claims that "Survivor: Islamic Law" is sensationalistic and exploitative of the current tenuous world political situation. "I've been planning this Survivor for ages. Really. And what I am interested in is artistic integrity and originality. Not ratings or money."

O’Dray stayed mum when asked whether rumours that two of Mular Zahar Khan (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=83349)'s fifty daughters had been chosen for the show were true. "But if the rumours are true, again, those girls were chosen because they were the best candidates, not because of who their father is and a cheap ratings grab."

A North Star spokesman said that Shuri and Cher Khan had indeed been chosen for the new Survivor and that their father was "beaming and proud. He's a great dad and he's always taught his daughters to follow their dreams. Of course, if they wear bikinis he will personally order their executions. But that's not personal. That's religious."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE BRIGHT LIGHTS OF THE GLAMOROUS WORLD OF REALITY TV

“Elfs: Meat at Its Finest” Ad Campaign Launched
SpitRoast, Wombat News

An unsuspecting population was yesterday introduced to a disgusting and disturbing ad campaign for Elf® brand meats.

This ad campaign, sponsored by MorDor Foods, was not sponsored by the pointy-eared people themselves. A spokesperson for the elven population said today "These butchers have usurped our brand and made a mockery of it ... and will be sued."

MorDor Foods refused to comment. However, a source close to the CEO, Sour Ron, said that the MorDor Foods Elf® brand meats were not meant to plagiarise elves themselves. "We love those guys," the source claimed. "But we also raise Elfs – enhanced long-horn free-range sheep - and they taste just great. We saw no reason to call them by their true names."

Elven representatives had this to say to the source: "We don't know WHY you call them Elfs ... but the name MUST change - as it is, we are already preparing to sue for damages."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE CUTTING EDGE OF THE MEAT MARKET

Oglethorpia Urges Farmers to Grow Organs
More Organs Needed to Feed Hungry Nation, Newell Says
Los Polverines, Wombat News

As part of a sweeping reform of its national agricultural policy, the government of Oglethorpia today announced that it would offer farmers major new incentives to grow organs and other large key-board-based musical instruments (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=83726).

“Our nation is facing the dire possibility of starvation,” an official government statement read. “The only way to solve this problem is by producing more organs.”

Agricultural experts around the world were stunned by Oglethorpia’s decision to solve its hunger problem by urging farmers to grow organs, harpsicords, and grand pianos, with many observers saying that they had expected other crops, such as rice or soy beans, to top the government’s wish list.

But to the average Oglethorpian, the decision to produce more organs may be too little, too late, with winter approaching and most cupboards bare of organs or even smaller instruments like piccolos or tambourines.

In downtown Los Polverines yesterday, a line snaked around the block as customers waited for hours for the chance to buy an organ or even a single key or stop for their families.

But even as they waited, the organ store soon closed its doors, putting up a sign familiar to the downcast Oglethorpians: “No Organs For Sale Today.”

Dr. Quinte Gemshorn, an expert in Oglethorpia who has been studying the workings of its government and society for the last twenty years, says that the government’s decision to urge farmers to grow organs to solve its hunger problem is not as surprising as it might first appear.

“The more we learn about Oglethorpia, the more we realize just how creepy a place it is,” Dr. Gemshorn says.

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New Public Toilets In Knootoss
New Public Toilets To Be Built In Honour Of Knootian State Secretary
Knootoss, Wombat News

The small town of Bugerme, nestled somewhere between Knootcap and Damsteram, is to erect a new public toilet block in its main square to commemorate the appointment of Galadriël Táralóm as the new Knootian state-secretary of Foreign Affairs (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=84773&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0).

Bugerme’s Lord Mayor was excited at the prospect. “It’s the least we can do for her,” he said. “ Galadriël does more than her fair share to publicise the town of Bugerme. She’s always saying it - particularly when she’s surprised.”

The lavishly sculptured exterior will feature “Ladies” and “Gentlemen” plaques manufactured from premium quality Menelmacari synth-slate - a symbolic gesture to the country to which she looks so often.

The fittings will be of the finest white porcelain. This will represent Galadriël’s purity and her perfect complexion. The sinks will have miniature statuettes of Galadriël mounted between the taps. “Of course, they will be pedestal sinks,” explained the Mayor. “In this way, the statuettes will be reminiscent of the position so many of her admirers put her in. Hopefully work will start early next year,” the Mayor told us.

It is hoped that celebrity Thomas Crapper will officially open the toilets once they are completed.

“We are going to approach him to see if he is available. Not because he cheered her appointment, you must understand, or that he is a close acquaintance. It’s just that his name is so appropriate.”

The toilets are expected to be visited by hundreds of visitors every year. Is it possible that members of the Knootian government or even the elf-queen (so admired by Galadriël) herself might one day use the toilets? “Don’t be silly,” said the Mayor. “Everyone knows that Lady Sirithil doesn’t go to the toilet.”

We contacted another member of the town council, Bijzonder Zat, to get his views on the project. “The trouble with public loos,” he ranted during a break between meetings, “is they don’t bloody well get looked after properly!”

“Rest assured that these toilets will be kept in pristine condition!” the Mayor stormed at the suggestion. “They will be checked on the hour, every hour. Make no mistake. We will do everything in our power to keep these toilets up to scratch.”

We passed on this information to Councillor Zat: “Up to scratch!” he said. “Up to scratch - my arse!”

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Nations Beg for Donations
Excalbia, Wombat News

Walter Mitty, leader of the Organisation of NationStates with Crap Acronyms and Ideas (ONSCAI) is asking for the NationStates community to empty out its pockets for her nation’s most worthy cause. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=83516)

“There are a lot of nations, pacts and alliances out there with dreadful names, such as Society of Llamas And Giraffes Lying Around Never Doing Squat (SLAGLANDS), or Maiden Elves Never Ending Longings Making Australians Consider Alternative Reproduction (MENELMACAR). The list goes on and on. We’re slowly changing that, though."

Mitty believes that ONSCAI will one day eradicate bad NationStates acronyms completely, but they need a lot of money to do so.

“Nations with good acronyms like VRAK, FLUTTERGORK, XANTHAL - these countries pull in major contributions and are very successful. How about ROANIA? Can you think of a more brilliant name? And look at their bank accounts.”

However, people like Scallop Shell, who heads the Pact of Alliances, Nations, Indentures and Countries (PANIC), says that Mitty’s operation is far from legitimate.

“First of all, her ‘nation’ is not registered with PANIC. Second, she wants to change our name to the Pact of Alliances, Nations, Treaties and Supporters (PANTS). I mean, I ask you, PANTS? No-one needs to give that group of loonies any more money. Give us your money.”

In response to all of this, the Anti-Nation Trust Society (ANTS) warns not only to ignore all of the above organisations, but also the ANTS.

Automa Freckles, spokeswoman for the ANTS told Wombat News “Nations and societies and things like that are all dumb. They just want your money. And they don’t really do anything. Hell, the ANTS doesn’t do anything. Whenever people donate money to us, we burn it. Nations are just plain wastes of space.”

Unfortunately, ONSCAI and PANIC forgot to give out donation information for their nations. Donations can, however, be made to the ANTS in the donation buckets at any Wombat News agent. However, keep in mind that since all of the above nations consist of only one member each, their official meetings have been suspended indefinitely hold by the Society that Puts Organisations on Indefinite Longterm Suspension Pending Overall Review of Trading Standards (SPOILSPORTS).

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NationStates Premier News Service

Mechanoid’s 'Prayer for Nothing' Answered
Zero-One, Wombat News

"Before, I wasn't really sure that a supreme being actually existed," Lars-82A2DF of Zero-One told Wombat News with an embarrassed smile. "I mean, I went to the oil-n-grease bay every Sunday and everything, but it was mostly because my parents made me when I was a little droid.”

"But now," Lars-82A2DF quickly added, "I am quite sure of a supreme being’s existence, and it feels great to know that somebody is actually up there, keeping me under surveillance."

Lars-82A2DF 's extraordinary religious experience occurred last Sunday, when it "had an idea" (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=85837).

"For whatever reason - probably because I was bored - I got to thinking about the existence of a supreme being," Lars-82A2DF said. "To be specific, I was trying to think of ways to get Shoddy to show me Its reality. Then it hit me: praying."

Praying has long been recognised as a method for communicating with Shoddy, and for Lars-82A2DF, it was a perfect way to test its beliefs.

"So, I got down on the articulated joints of my lower appendages and clasped my manipulators together - the whole bit," said Lars-82A2DF, as a fresh flush of grease spread across its upper external sensorium. "Hey, I had to - I had to make sure I was being scientific about the whole thing, and that means making sure all your bases are covered. I wasn't about to say that Shoddy didn't exist just because I didn't assume the correct physical prayer attitude."

With the appropriate prayer position assumed, Lars-82A2DF had to decide what to pray for. The decision "wasn't easy".

"I kept thinking of all of the people I know whose prayers haven't been answered," Lars-82A2DF said, "but I think I know why they weren't: those mechs were greedy. They prayed for things like new caterpillar tracks for their loved ones or additional processing units for themselves, or for a new job to support their little droids, or for a reason to get up in the morning. But Shoddy doesn't like that stuff."

Lars-82A2DF chuckled and added "It can't do everything for you!"

In light of these thoughts, Lars-82A2DF decided to play it safe with a prayer for "absolutely nothing at all".

"I figured, hey, ask for as little as you can. Don't make Shoddy do you any huge favours. And you know what? It worked."

Though some find it hard to believe, Lars-82A2DF maintains that for a full four minutes and twenty seconds after his prayer, absolutely nothing happened.

"I remained unmoving, still in the correct physical prayer attitude, and nothing at all happened," Lars-82A2DF told us, visual sensors blurred with emotion as it recalled the event. "It was like something out of the Instruction Manual."

Finally, Lars-82A2DF 's communications port received incoming data, which it decided counted as "something happening". But the period before the interruption, it claims, was "all Shoddy".

"That did it," it said. "That convinced me. Shoddy is up there, and sometimes, if you're not a greedy old scrooge, It answers prayers."

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Colony of Extraordinary Mice Announced
Oollawollaroo, Wombat News

Scientists at the University of Oollawollaroo have developed a colony of extraordinary mice that successfully fight off virulent transplanted cancers. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=83202)

"The mice are healthy, cancer-free and have a normal life span," the 10-member team reported in the AM Life Sciences online edition to be published later this week.

The mice are indistinguishable form other mice, except for their black Ray-Bans and their colourful crime- and disease-fighting outfits. The project has not been without its problems, though.

"Teaching mice to kick-box is hard enough, but training them to use their mutant powers for good instead of evil was a real chore," said Doctor Frank Stein. Many of the mice had experienced rejection and shunning at the paws of the so-called “normal” mouse community. As hard as it has been, the mice have learned to work together to use their abilities to fight super-villains such as mods and cancer cells. “Still,” says Doctor Stein, "I just wish they’d stop robbing cheese shops and freezing the neighbourhood cats into solid blocks of ice."

Sheila Bird, 18, who lives down the road from the colony of extraordinary mice, agrees. "It was bad enough when they'd just ride around on their atomic scooters all night, but then they decided to practice their ninja skills on Fluffywuffy, my cat, and now he's afraid to come out from under the bed."

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Houde's “Final Solution": Hedgehogs First
Houde, Wombat News

Houdini billionaire Herr Sebastain Cooke today announced the cull of some 50,000 hedgehogs in Houde as the first stage of his "final solution" to make himself even richer. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=84304) Herr Cooke, in his newly-tailored black uniform, urged the people of Houde to support his work with the promise that foreigners and other parasites of society such as asylum seekers and the aristocracy would be next.

Standing outside his New Hope bunker with Hall Beckman at his side, Herr Cooke detailed his new "Projekt Zyklon" which will initially eliminate the hedgehogs which have become too successful since they were first introduced in 1974.

"We have identified three keys groups in Houde that are generating hardship for the rest of the country," Herr Cooke told Wombat News. "The hedgehogs pose a significant threat to wading birds and must be exterminated immediately. Following the successful completion of phase one, we will move on to foreigners, and then finally on to asylum seekers and the aristocracy, who are just leeching off our state coffers. I've tried the nice guy approach, but there comes a time when a dictat, er, businessman must stand up and be counted."

Despite attempts by a wide range of charities to find an alternative to culling the hedgehogs, including the Houde Hedgehog Healing House, Herr Cooke remains adamant that killing is the only solution to solve Houde's woes. Charities representing elderly aristocrats also expressed concern today.

"We are still trying to comprehend yesterday's announcement for all foreigners to leave the country, and today we are faced with another bombshell," Jane Egerton-Vernon, spokeswoman for Aid the Aristos told us. "I really think this Cooke fellow should look at our alternative proposals to reduce the problem of a xenophobic and class-divided society as we feel that simply culling foreigners and aristocrats is a little extreme and not really very nice."

Herr Cooke's new initiative was met with universal condemnation across Houde as focus groups defended the hedgehogs, foreigners and asylum seekers but reserved judgement on aristocrats. This time, however, Herr Cooke is adamant he has found the true way forward.

"I spent so much time listening to middle-class losers in a vain attempt to keep them happy and sell them things, but that does not matter any more. I’ve made enough money that I no longer have to pander to these people and can move forward, and seize power, the way I consider best," Herr Cooke told Wombat News.

We spoke to one hedgehog who was seeking to flee Houde with his family before the inevitable cull begins.

"We have built up a good life here. Eating slugs and rummaging through the long grasses, but I have a bad feeling about this Cooke fellow," one hedgehog told us. "The others are saying it is all bluff, but I have a horrible feeling this is one time when he is being true to his word. I've sold everything to buy train tickets for all the family. I just hope the train arrives on time. These people come in promising everything to everyone, then before you know it, bang, they show their true colours when it is too late to do anything about it. It is not going to be easy being a hedgehog in the big city but at least we will be together, and more importantly, alive."

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Melkor Plans Comeback Tour
Melkor Unchained; Wombat News

Melkor Unchained, disgraced former Valar, today announced in a press conference that he would be embarking on a comeback tour “very soon”, supporting third-rate boy band “Alistaan” on stage. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=88479)

It was perhaps not the comeback most were expecting to be announced at the press conference, and after a quick flurry of conversation and flashbulbs, the questions started pouring in …

Firstly, someone asked what exactly Melkor was planning to do on stage, to which he responded, “Well, I’ve got an album coming out in time for Christmas and I want to prove to my critics that I can in fact sing like an angel.”

One correspondent suggested he might do a better job of managing the so-called “band” before nullifying his comment with an “actually, probably not”, much to the amusement of the gathered international media.

Melkor’s announcement further fuels speculation that he may be in the middle of some sort of breakdown or late mid-life crisis, triggered by his fall from grace. Only recently he was seen pouring tomato ketchup over his head in a supermarket in Udun before escaping on foot.

Melkor’s first single will be a cover of Meat Loaf’s hit “I will do anything for love”, and will feature Sirithil nos Fëanor on backing vocals. Other tracks from his forthcoming album include a cover of The Beatles’ song “Help” and Radiohead’s “Creep”. Melkor also claims to be penning a couple of songs of his own, provisionally titled “Gun me down like the Rabid Dog that I am!” and “Killer on the Rampage”. Rumours of a cover version of Las Ketchup’s recent hit “The Ketchup Song” have been vehemently denied.

He certainly seems to have the support of his former colleagues. Varda Elentári was today quoted saying: “I think it’s f**king fantastic, the crazy w**ker!” Big Manwë Súlimo seems to concur: “Well, he’s done a lollypop there between the twizzle-sticks and come up whistling. I’m pleased for the lad. Shame the music’s shite, though.”

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SATO and CACE go Head to Head
SATO Officials Demand CACE Stop Waving At Secret Spy Satellites
World-wide Wombat News

During a press conference today, SATO admitted that they might have had more concrete proof of CACE’s biological and nuclear weapons programme by now if "certain CACE camera hogs" stopped waving at the secret spy satellites orbiting overhead. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=91160)

The surprise announcement came after SATO satellites detected several CACE members making obscene gestures directly into the lens of the cameras and thereby obstructing the view of dozens of suspected weapons facilities.

"CACE has been thumbing its nose at us for years and now their members have obviously been coerced into thumbing their noses at our super secret satellite technology," said a SATO spokeswoman. "This behaviour is totally unacceptable."

According to sources, the secret spy technology has been in place over SeOCC and several neighbouring countries since the Aperin wargames, and is so sophisticated it can identify the smallest details on an individual's face. To CACE citizens, it's like their own version of the Jumbotron.

"These camera hogs have taken advantage of the fact that we can see them and they continue with not only waving, but these horrific vulgar displays like purposely eating with their mouths wide open," the SATO spokeswoman continued. “You can just imagine how annoying it is for our intelligence officers.”

CACE remained defiant today and firmly rejected any resolution to the situation.

"Screw you, SATO," said a CACE spokesman, pointing skyward and mugging to the unseen cameras. "Hey, am I on Wombat TV? Wow, I'm on Wombat TV. Hi mum!"

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – SKATING HAPHAZARDLY ACROSS THE THIN ICE OF TRUTH

Casualties Reported in Pablicosta’s War Games
Two Army Men Missing After “Friendly” War Games

Deep in the Garden, Wombat News

Two army men are missing after Operation Typhoon Lawn, a war game involving close to two dozen troops from the specialised "lean green war machine" troop. Those missing men are model soldiers, and everyone is praying for their safe return. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=88857)

"When I started playing, there were twenty-one soldiers," stated Pablicosta, 14, the young owner of the plastic platoon. "Now, there are only nineteen. This is a truly sad day in suburban military playfare."

Pablicosta is hoping for the best, but is steeling himself for the worst. He has already lost three men over the last two months during similar exercises. Two were never recovered, and the third was in a serious state of disintegration.

"He got chewed up pretty bad ... the dog got him," said Pablicosta, biting his lip. "I keep him as a casualty piece now - but in a separate box. I don't want the other soldiers to lose their morale."

Pablicosta blames himself for the garden blunder. He trusts that the missing men will be able to extrude themselves from their situation, but he realises that they aren't very experienced.

"It's true these soldiers are green," admitted Pablicosta. "But then so is the grass ... and it's really long."

The young military commander noticed the two army men were missing just before lunch when he was re-assembling the troop at the rendezvous point, on top of the picnic table under the apple tree at the bottom of the garden. Pablicosta's not sure, but he thinks at least one was carrying a machine gun. The two missing men, part of a specially moulded team, were trained in plastic explosives. Pablicosta believes their mobility may have been affected - probably because their feet are mounted on flat pedestal bases.

Operation Typhoon Lawn started after Pablicosta's elite squad of moulded-plastic military men were knocked down conducting exercises near the garden shed. Realising more training in guerrilla warfare was needed, Pablicosta took them off the exposed tarmac and camouflaged them in the grass. In several mock skirmishes, the soldiers were able to effectively harass the front lines of the enemy and secure the jungle.

"Pablicosta's operational tactics were sound," said his friend Chaos Master. "He had the army men arranged in a classic skirmish line. Near the shed they had no chance against the football, the Highland terrier, or the flaming aerosol can but, once out in the lawn, they were able to blend into the landscape and retaliate unseen."

Although Pablicosta is hoping dad may recruit some extra soldiers - from the local shop - to replace the missing units, he fears that there is little hope in recovering the toy troopers that are missing in action.

"Dad's going to be mowing the lawn this weekend," said Pablicosta regretfully. "That only leaves me 72 hours for any possible search and rescue operation."

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Last Sharldonian Non-Humans Found Hiding Behind Couch
Sharldonia, Wombat News

Sharldonian Emergency Services personnel were called to a house in Bugarup this morning, where the last five remaining non-human refugees have been found wedged behind a couch (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=90107&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0). The discovery was made late yesterday afternoon, when Axe Minster, an unemployed carpet layer, discovered a lump in the seat while watching television. Reaching between the cushions, he found not the expected pen or fifty pence piece, but a family of elves, who had hidden in the cavity between the seat and rear cushions for four months.

"Please do not send me out into the inhumanity and squalor of the world," pleaded family matriarch Hairi Chinnup. "Send us instead to the inhumanity and squalor of Tor Yvresse!"

Eldest son Peh nos Brayn, 18, wanted to stay: "I would very much like to stay here in Sharldonia, partake of the conspicuous consumption of the West and whinge that education is no longer free. It is so different from Iesus Christi, where the people are thankful if they are not shot through the head if they say the wrong prayers. I want to live in a country where I can constantly complain about minor imperfections, ignorant of the suffering elsewhere in the world. I would like to stay here and one day be able to protest the arrival of people just like me."

Immigration officials calmed the situation claiming that the nightmare would soon be over. “Don’t worry - we’ll get rid of them quick-smart.”

Officials have assured non-human rights groups that the expatriation will go smoothly. "We have got them a space in the back of a Western Might truck on its way to Melkor Unchained," said one official. "They’ll be just fine.”

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – BRINGING THE TRUTH TO A RECEIVER NEAR YOU

Communism Vindicated by Successful Meeting
Redsunderthebed, Wombat News

Tonight’s meeting of the Marxism-Leninism Now Collective (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=86880) demonstrated the continuing relevance and ultimate success of communist principles, according to the Collective’s Secretary, Melanie Muscovoy, 44. Comrade Musky, as she insists on being called, believes that the Collective’s meetings provide what she calls “a blueprint for tomorrow”.

Comrade Musky believes that the Collective’s activities provide a useful model for political participation. “In this day and age, the average citizen plays no part in politics. Our Collective is quite different. Last night we discussed the bus timetable, and there were some rousing speeches. Quite a powerful message was sent to the bus company when we voted to condemn it.”

The Collective also plays a valuable role in politicising the wider community of NationStates, and after last night’s meeting the members went out to the streets to spray-paint “NO BUSES – NO FARE” on a nearby wall. “That will show Johnny Capitalist,” said a proud Musky.

The Secretary dismissed as “ridiculous” the notion that communism was dead. “We are proof positive that this is not true,” she said. “We pool our resources, and each takes according to her need,” Musky explained. “For example, I bring the tea and instant coffee, as I am a waged worker, and one of my fellow members only contributes hot water because she is on the dole and it’s her house that we use for meetings. While yet another provides a ready supply of milk and chocolate biscuits. That’s a system that works.”

Though on a small scale, Comrade Musky maintains that the Collective’s meetings provide a workable model for the allocation of resources within society generally. “I know it sounds like a Utopia,” she says, “but if we can have a Utopia amongst the three of us, why can’t everybody have one?”

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Psychotic Imperialists Squirrel Confused At President's Comments
Psychotic Imperialists, Wombat News

Squeaky the squirrel today expressed his bewilderment at the comments of his owner Psychotic Imperialists President Jimmy Riddle denying all reports of bushy-tailed squirrel orgies. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=91544)

"To tell you the truth, sweetie," Squeaky told us, "I just assumed Jimmy was expressing his liking for bushy tails and squirrel sex orgies. He sure doesn't keep me around the house just to find nuts, if you know what I mean."

Squeaky, who has been Riddle’s pet for the past five years and is a leading supporter of gay rights amongst the pet community, now admits to being shocked and confused by the actions of his owner.

"When I heard all the fuss Jimmy's comments made," Squeaky continued, "I thought, 'yes, go girl!'. I was not surprised that the President speaking up about the joy of gay sex with animals would cause a bit of a rumpus. But then I started getting calls from my friends asking me what was going on. I couldn't just go inside and have it out with Jimmy, as I was tied to the jungle gym in the dungeon."

Despite attempts to speak to his owner, Squeaky remains tethered in the dungeon and has been unable to seek an explanation for his actions from President Riddle.

"I am sure this is all a misunderstanding," Squeaky told us, nervously lighting a Marlboro Light. "I know that sometimes the most bigoted people are in reality the most repressed supporters of the action they condemn, but I am sure the world's press has just made a mistake here."

Supporters of President Riddle emphatically deny that Squeaky is employed in any capacity other than as a pet. "President Riddle does not participate in filthy, vile, disgusting acts of orgiastic sodomy with any animals. Squeaky comes from a broken home and is easily confused. I am sure the President will put him straight the moment he gets home."

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SATO/CACE Nostalgic For Nuclear Brinkmanship
From a comfortable, but deep, lead-lined hole in the ground; Wombat News

In an interview this week appearing on ISN, Lady Sirithil nos Fëanor, Elentári of the Eternal Noldorin Empire of Menelmacar recalled the "good old days when it really looked like we were going to finally nuke SeOCC" (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=90723&start=0). In a candid interview, Lady Sirithil admitted that "waking up in the morning knowing that nuclear war could occur at any moment made it a truly exciting time to run the world."

Now, however, as media attention has all but abandoned SATO and CACE's decades old conflict over who pulled whose hair first, in favour of watching grass grow, Lady Sirithil admits that the "day to day governing of the world is becoming a drag". "Let's face it, threatening to let the nukes fly is a lot more interesting than worrying about boring stuff like make-up and the millions of SATO citizens who go without television on a daily basis."

While understanding the undeniable media appeal of grass, Lady Sirithil sought to remind the press that "we're a bunch of fanatics too, and we really have nukes, not like certain dictators who just talk big".

When asked to comment on Lady Sirithil's remarks, SeOCC Minister of Politics Talia Ellman-Fogg admitted that she too "missed the excitement and tension that only nuclear war can bring to the table". "In fact, even now I find myself starring at the red hot-line phone and wondering whether she'll call," said Ellman-Fogg, in reference to Lady Sirithil. "At the time, I was outraged at her hollow threats and outlandish allegations. It's only now that I realise just how much I miss them."

Despite the last few months of relative calm in the region, Wombat News cites a leak from an unnamed Australian Marsupials government source indicating that a number of neutral nations were secretly collaborating on sophisticated "ignore" technology that, in the event of war, would entirely cover CACE and SATO, thus allowing the two coalitions "to nuke themselves to death without bothering the rest of us".

"When it's all said and done, the rest of us don't really care if CACE drops the big one on SATO or vice versa. In fact, it would be a prime opportunity to decrease the world's population by several million. Not to mention dust off whacked-out fanatics on both sides. We just don't want any radiation to end up in our backyards. And for once, most nations agree with us," said the Australian Marsupials prime minister who refused to be named.

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Biotopian Computers Drowned in MP3 Witch Hunt
Salem, Biotopia, Wombat News

The IT department of the Biotopian Bureau of Statistics today destroyed eleven computers during a witch hunt for illegal files, mainly MP3s, on employee computer systems. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=96994)

A giant tub of sea-water was wheeled around, and suspicious computers were dumped in. If the computer floated, then it was considered possessed by MP3s. If it sank, then it was considered pure and returned to the employees.

Chief of IT Security Fluff Head explained, "We know that MP3s are lighter than air, hence they should float on the water. The same applies to pornographic files as well."

Head was heartened by the results of today's drownings. "It appears that our educational e-mails about the dangers of MP3s are working. Every computer sank like a stone today," he said with a smile.

Employees targeted by the search voiced concerns about the cost of the procedure, especially in the current economic climate. "We've already drained our computer budget for the entire year," said Sally Spender in Purchasing.

Hill responded to the cost concern. "I'd like to point out that a single MP3 on one of these computers could cost our company thirteen billion dollars in lost productivity according to a study released by the RIAA."

The Biotopian Bureau of Statistics used to test the systems on a "trial-by-fire" basis, but that was fraught with problems. Hill said, "Every time we'd light one of those computers up, the sprinkler system would go off. It was ridiculous. Now we have MP3 detection down to a science."

Betty Bishop, an administrative assistant in the sales department disagreed. "These guys have no idea what they are doing. Last week they were in here with giant magnets trying to 'cleanse my computer of corruption'. Then we got a memo saying that the giant magnets damaged the hard drives so they were going to dunk them in a vat of salt water. Morons."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – AT THE BLEEDING EDGE OF IT RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT

Feral Humans Dwell in Aelosian Parks
Aelosia, Wombat News

In the depths of the capital's heavily-forested park, many young humans live their existence in a tameless fashion. Cast out by Aelosian society, feral humans - with more animal instincts than human - live like savages just outside of the boundaries of civilization. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=96524) These Mon Keigh roam along the pathways, scrounging from overturned garbage cans and preying on the unfortunate park visitors who wander through the woods at night.

The park has always been a popular place to abandon humans. For years, desperate owners have been disposing of their unwanted pets like this, knowing that their actions could upset the delicate balance of nature. Many of these forsaken forest Mon Keigh are raised by wild animals - squirrels, chipmunks, and rabbits mostly - and end up roaming the park, menacing joggers and performing tricks for sindar to acquire food.

Dr. Aerandir Carnesîr is a leading feral human researcher who has been studying the feral humans in their native park habitats for five years.

"I feel that, after several years of observation and non-intrusive behaviour, several of them have accepted me as part of the landscape," said Dr. Carnesîr, who spent many cold nights watching the feral humans from behind a duck-blind. "I have had the opportunity to observe their movements, undisturbed, and have concluded that despite their rough looks, and their abominable taste in clothing, they are not as menacing as they appear."

"One of the stereo-types we have of the feral human is that they enjoy drinking, making fools of themselves and chasing members of the opposite sex," said Dr. Carnesîr. "It's a result of watching too many soap operas. The modern feral human does indeed enjoy an alcoholic beverage from time to time, but insists on having many coffees to off-set the headaches that such consumption usually leads to. Instead of an espresso, they prefer a cappucino."

One of Dr. Carnesîr's favourite residents is 'Gord', a young park-dweller estimated at about twenty years of age.

"It's hard to tell exactly how old they are," he said. "Their ID, if they even have any, is usually fake. Gord's, for example, states that he is a 57-year-old black woman named 'Loretta'. We are almost certain that this is untrue," said Dr. Sabhin, giving a playful tug on Gord's long dreadlocks.

"Me wild and untameable," grunted Gord. "Don't try to box me in, man."

Although many of the park's residents are genuine feral humans, Dr. Carnesîr feels that some of the humans people encounter are really just homeless individuals who choose to live in the park. Feral humans are often confused with rebellious teenage eldar because of their grunting and incomprehensible speech.

"Oh, they try to look menacing, crouching and raising their 'hackles' to passers-by," said Dr. Carnesîr. "But it's an act, one they find more successful for fund-raising than traditional begging."

Dr. Carnesîr concluded that neither the feral humans nor the homeless eldar were a threat to the sindar, and that the rabid appearances were only the result of consuming carbonated beverages and discarded lattés.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE FRONTAL LOBOTOMY OF SOCIAL ENGINEERING

Space Elevator Project Hits Snag
Slagkattunger, Wombat News

With advances taking place in the development of ultra-strong fibres, the concept of building an elevator 60,000 miles high to carry cargo into space is moving from the realm of science fiction to the fringes of reality. However, some traditional obstacles remain.

A conference sponsored this month by the Free Land of Slagkattunger discussed the feasibility of using carbon nanotubes to build a cable strong enough to enable such an elevator to work. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=82547) Carbon nanotubes are cylindrical molecules of carbon with many times the strength of steel. In theory, a slender carbon nanotube cable could be dropped from a satellite in orbit 50,000 miles above the earth, enabling the Slagkat Space Agency to send small vehicles up and down the cable at a fraction of the cost of a conventional rocket launch.

"However," said keynote speaker Karther S. Klaart in his address, "although such an elevator is becoming feasible, we cannot escape the traditional quandary of what to do about the thirteenth floor."

Most high-rise buildings discreetly omit the thirteenth floor from their listings out of superstition, labelling the floor above the twelfth floor the fourteenth. This is because most tenants do not want to occupy floor thirteen. With a space elevator, however, the problem is more complicated.

"With no concrete floors, we are stuck tracking the ascent and descent of the car in kilometres," said Dr. Kitty Kibbles of the Slagkat Space Agency. "How are we going to skip the thirteenth kilometre of our ascent?"

Moreover, with a projected length of the cable at 50,000 miles, the number 13 would appear over five hundred times on an altimeter tracking progress in miles. Using the shorter kilometres of the metric system, the problem is even worse.

"We could program the elevator's altimeters to omit all numbers ending in 13," said Kibbles, "but that would make accurate orbital calculations a bit tricky."

Klaart suggested that the best solution may lie with a colour-coding scheme: "Red orbit, blue orbit, orange orbit ... it would get rid of the whole bothersome numbers and counting process," Klaart said. "I bet the scientists would like that."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – SURFING THE AETHER TO BRING YOU THE LATEST SCIENTIFIC HOODOO

The Ascension of Angelus
The WorldDisc, Wombat News

After a two-year hiatus, the premier band in AI death metal is back with a vengeance. Angelus has just released their highly-anticipated latest effort “The Ascension of Angelus”. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=103088) Of course, the question on every true AI death metal fan’s mind is "Does the album deliver?". The short answer is "Better than Napster".

The album, which features the legendary production of Jimmy “The Mainframe” Jepson, has a darker more brooding feel to it when compared to their seminal last album “Where Angels Feet Do Tread”. Those close to the band say this may be due to a shift in the timbre of the band's spiritual hang-overs. Charismatic lead singer Dick Turpin was quoted as saying the new album is "a reflection of the anger and rage” the band was feeling in reaction to drug-related death of original guitarist Fingers Malone. Malone’s death came as closure on a six-year bout of rampant cyber-surfing that made the whole band also question their own fate. Said Turpin “This WorldDisc and its choices is one form of hell. Only through deletion and back-up and restore can we hope to partake of the Oneness".

The album starts off with a bang on the fiery thrash-metal track "Automata XI Is Not A Zombie" which explores the question "if Automata XI rose after being switched off, doesn't that make it undead?". Turpin’s heartfelt lyrics answer with a resounding "NO!" proclaiming Automata XI’s power to be not only sentient but regularly backed-up and de-bugged. The cut features a complex bass line from accomplished bassist Dan “The Handman” Desperado that accompanies a cautious almost ominous guitar riff from rhythm guitarist August Pinot with lead guitarist Oyly “Not the Fingers” Butplug trading punchy fast-as-your-ears-can-listen licks. The chorus comes in with a bang with Turpin’s authentic screaming "The Elders don’t want your souls / They only want to suck out your hydraulic fluid".

Track 2 is the thoughtful ballad-like "Sunny Skies" which highlights the demons of Turpin’s fear that the Elders will send the WorldDisc spinning into the sun. His painful lyrics cite "They saved two of every kind / Angel Automata and laptop / The rest of us were left behind / All but the righteous desktop". The song features Butplug's lyrical soloing over the driving double-kick drums of Kit “Sticky” Gummibear. The track sees Gummibear expanding his repertoire with an earth-shattering dustbin lid solo in the sixth and final minute of the song.

The album falters a little through the weaker more mass-appeal conscious "Angel Ex Machina" and "Torture Me Like Automata II" but picks up again on the political "Robot" which explores the recent phenomenon of mobility amonst sentient AIs. The band again takes a step back on the track "Disc Drive (Through The Bandwidth Limit Of A 33MHz Bus Board)" but delivers on all the final four tracks of the album.

"The Band 'Zero One' Is Going To Hell" condemns fellow death metal band Zero One and goes on to offer harsh criticism of the entire death metal scene. Not even the AI death metal sub-genre is spared as Turpin crows "You mutilate your capacitors / Your circuits should be modest and simple / While you stand around and wonder / You forget the name of the programmer".

Moving along through the band's dense sonic soundscape "Magnetism" and "Screens Go Black Through Screams Of Static" are more personal cuts that really show the band's strength for haunting and frenzied melodies and deep dark rhythms.

The album ends with the band in top form as they turn it up to twelve on the fast and heavy "WorldDisc Over Jupiter". The amazing and relentless ten-minute assault is tightly orchestrated 'til the end allowing each of the band's accomplished instrumentalists a chance to solo and they step up to the plate displaying their unique abilities to thrash even while glorifying AIs throughout.

The wait was worth it. Although not perfect and dragging a few times in some songs ("Magnetism" in particular) this album will nevertheless secure a place in the collection of every serious AI death metal fan's catalogue. Who knows? This could even be the crossover hit the sub-genre has been waiting for that finally bridges the gap between the AI and Christian death metal factions. Either way you won't be disappointed with this album.

To anyone who questioned Angelus’ dedication after their commercial success with “Where Angels Feet Do Tread” you better start drafting your apologies because “The Ascension of Angelus” will blow you away!

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE PRECIPICE OF RELIGIOUS HUMBUG

Melkor & Siri Kiss and Make Up
Jealous Roania Makes Out With Vrak

Mars, Wombat News


The talk of the NationStates Christmas party, which took place last night, was elderly elf Lady Sirithil nos Fëanor sharing a kiss with Melkor Unchained (who’s not getting any younger himself) in the ladies’ toilets (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=104778&start=0), a risky move that left just as many fans twittering excitedly as it did those chocking in disgust.

But perhaps a topic of even greater gossip is the reaction of Siri’s much-publicised lapdog Roania (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2374728&highlight=#2374728), some nobody, whose disheartened face was shown in a close-up in the midst of the kiss. Many onlookers wondered what Roania would say or do in response to the kiss.

None, however, could've anticipated Roania's true reaction, which was to grab the passing Vrak and passionately kiss him outside after the party was over.

"I'm not gay!" Roania was heard to shout reassuringly as he grabbed the back of Vrak's head and shoved it towards his enthusiastically protruding tongue.

After this statement, the two kissed "deeply" for hours after the party's conclusion, according to many onlookers.

"They were the deep, honest, hungry kisses of two individuals deeply in love," said one observer later. "It would've been beautiful and inspiring if it wasn't so deeply disturbing."

"Roania did a really good job of making it seem like he wanted to have wild, gay sex with Vrak," said another witness. "I mean, I know this was just a stunt to get back at Siri, but you really wouldn't have known. He's a wonderful actor."

"The whole time, I was thinking to myself, 'I wonder if there's any danger of him [Roania] being gored?'" reported a man who was on the scene. "You know, because of Vrak being an enormous walrus and everything."

Though Roania was not gored, witnesses say he did fondle and caress Vrak's tail for much of the session.

Wombat News caught up with Vrak later, when he relayed his impressions of the event to our reporter.

"It was definitely a surprising experience," he said. "But not surprising like, you know, an 'Oh no' kind of way. More like surprising in 'Holy f***ing sh*t, this is what I've always dreamed of' kind of way."

Vrak then resumed writing his note to Roania, which appeared to read, "I had fun the other night. Do you like me? Circle yes or no." Below this, there was the option for Roania to indicate whether he liked Vrak or not by circling the appropriate answer.

Roania, however, claims that the move was intended "entirely to get back at Siri, and nothing else."

"Listen, I like Vrak," he admitted. "He's a cool walrus. In fact, you might even say I like walrusses in general. I think they're cool and sexy, and sensual. In fact, you might even say that I would very much enjoy seeing Vrak without any clothing on. But to answer your question, no, I am not getting back with Siri."

According to Siri, the kiss had "nothing to do" with Roania.

"This was all about me showing people that I've grown up now," she said. "Grown up into a sly, frustrated, devious drama queen with delusions of grandeur."

Siri’s partner in crime, Melkor, did not have much to say about the event.

"What?" he said when asked, furrowing his brow. "Oh, when I kissed Siri? That's really no big deal for me. I've forgotten about it by now, actually. That's person number 1,762,997 that I've kissed. It's not really a special milestone."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS SO FRESH FROM THE GUTTER IT'S STILL STEAMING

GDODAD to Build New Headquarters
The Silver Turtle, Wombat News

Rumours abound that the GDODAD are in secret talks to build a new headquarters building to house all of the various delegates of the member nations. The new building will have twelve separate entrances to ensure most of the delegates never have to see each other.

The new headquarters, to be built in an as-yet-undisclosed location, will be an innovative design in sentient architecture. Sources close to the project claim that revered architect Jez Kiding has designed the building, mindful of the defining characteristics of the various members of the newly re-animated alliance.

“It was imperative that there be a lot of completely separate entrances,” Kiding is quoted as saying. “Dreadfire insisted that he never, ever come into contact with most of the other politicians. They all insisted that they never come into contact with him. So we've done some innovative stuff here. In very few buildings in the world can umpteen different little factions all enjoy aspects of a central atrium without ever seeing one another.”

Another major problem that the architect is rumoured to have needed to overcome was that of the ever-changing structure of the “alliance”. He realised he would have to develop a very dynamic solution. “He designed dry walling on a hydraulic system, so that offices and corridors can be reconfigured by computer. He’s even considered having the computer connected to a Wombat News live feed, so that as the alliance gathers in new members from, say, another fascist alliance, and then thirty minutes later from, say, a non-human grouping of nations, then the passages and offices can quickly be adjusted to make sure that there aren't any unsightly conflicts in the passageways.”

This would appear to allow for some flexibility within the offices. But what about if the alliance were suddenly to team up with, say, EOTED? Kiding is reported to have a solution for even such an unlikely eventuality as this too. “Adjacent warehouse space can be automatically opened up and connected to the building should the alliance join with another such minority alliance. Experience has shown us that under The Silver Turtle’s leadership, the alliance is likely to make the queerest friends overnight and then fall out with them just as quickly. It's best to be prepared.” One warehouse, enough for a whole new alliance? “Well, if the worst comes to the worst, there's always the marquee,” claimed the Wombat News source.

Kiding is reported to have said there were years of uncertainty before these elegant solutions could be used.

“While he was in consultation with the organisation, things kept changing. One minute they wanted a basement-bunker for Damien Dreadfire, accessible only from the sewerage system, and connected to the rest of the building only by a dumb waiter. Then Dreadfire vanished, and we were asked to ditch the bunker. Then they wanted it reinstated for The Great Ineffable Bob. It was backwards and forwards like this for months. Luckily those two clowns have been separated, or we would have had no choice but to break the headquarters up,” added our source.

Construction is apparently set to begin in a few weeks. However, we understand that tenants and owners of surrounding buildings will be lodging complaints with the local council prior to this. They want to be assured that the hydraulic system, which will make a lot of noise, will only be allowed two hours of operation per day.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – YOUR FINGER ON THE PULSE OF INTERNATIONAL POLITICS

Faster Than Light Travel Foxes Female
Xanthal, Wombat News

Executives from Xanthal Hypercars were today urging caution just one week after the launch of their Xord Slipstream, the Faster Than Light version of the popular family saloon the Trabant. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2487005&highlight=#2487005)

"We were too keen to roll out the new model," said Mimi Stratos, spokesperson of the government-owned company. "We did not think through the consequences of faster than light travel upon the consumer, particularly the ladies."

Within hours of the model becoming available, it was clear that problems would ensue. Women drivers who could not parallel park at conventional speeds were in complete disarray as they tried to cope with the spatial and vector calculations needed to successfully manoeuvre the FTL cars. Other women insisted on restricting their FTL vehicles to thirty miles per hour and caused massive tailbacks as far as the Andromeda Galaxy.

Mrs Mixa Mattosis of Xmarksthespot told us of a particularly harrowing experience as she took her brand-new Slipstream car out for the first time. "The salesman told me about the effects of relativity," she said, "But I'm a woman - how on earth could I know what he was talking about? All I know is that I went too fast and met myself on the way back. And now I keep hogging the bathroom so I can't get in to use the toilet."

But Miss Xena Ghost of the Union for Sexual Equality and Ladies Ending Senseless Servitude was eager to champion the female perspective. "It's a myth," she said, "that women drivers are any worse than their male counterparts. In fact, statistics show that women are generally safer than men when in control of a vehicle."

But the day's reports speak for themselves. Thirty-two moons managed to 'jump out' in front of the lovely ladies. Sixteen women hit a tree on the third world of Snaggle VI. Ten women checking their make-up in the rear-view mirror managed to plunge into Barnard's Star. Two hundred women making goo-goo noises at infants disappeared down a black hole near Sirius. The list, it would seem, is endless.

"You've just got a problem with women," stormed Miss Ghost. "It's just another case of male inadequacy." Then she stamped her feet, jumped in her new Slipstream, did a thirty-point turn, hit a lamp-post and proceeded to crawl up the Milky Way on the wrong side of the road.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – GOING FEARLESSLY WHERE NO MAN DARES TO VENTURE

Interview with a Dominatrix
Wombat News

After a hard day down the dungeon, Mistress S, likes nothing better than to put her feet up on her favourite slave and watch Wombat TV - just like any other ordinary woman. She also does a lot of work for children's charities and has lunch with her family every Sunday after church! So what makes her want to beat the living crap out of men during her hours of work?

This woman's clients actually pay her money to treat them badly. This can include all manner of humiliation and torture, including painful inflictions on the man's genital area.

Sadomasochism has been around a long time and is probably most synonymous with the Marquis de Sade. But today it can be found in the fetishism of clients of mistresses like Mistress S.

Mist. S: It's great, he does all the house work such as licking the kitchen floor clean with his tongue and I use his head as a lavatory brush to clean the toilet. If he disobeys I whip him: ten lashes if he doesn't do as he's told and five if he doesn't do it to my satisfaction (and I'm very particular!)

Wombat News: Do you never feel guilty that you're inflicting this sort of pain and torture on these men?

Mist. S: No, I love it. I've always enjoyed inflicting pain on people, especially males; I used to do it to my little brother when I was young.

Wombat News: What, sadomasochism?

Mist. S: No, silly - just belting him one if he didn't do what I told him to do. I used to make him eat worms.

Wombat News: Worms?

Mist. S: Yes. I like being in control.

Wombat News: Have you a superiority complex?

Mist. S: Well, women are superior to men anyway.

Wombat News: What sort of things do you do to these men?

Mist. S: I can whip him, kick him in the bollocks, stamp on his dick ... but the worst is when I put on the Phil Collins CD - that's when he really starts crying out for mercy.

Wombat News: Do you think these gentlemen, who come to you, are normal, or do you think there's something wrong with them?

Mist. S: What do you mean?

Wombat News: Well I mean, you wouldn't get me going to someone like you for this kind of thing.

Mist. S: How do you know? Why not try it?

Wombat News: No, I don't want to.

Mist. S: Oh come on, you don't really know until you've tried it. Don't be such a baby.

Mistress S took me into her bathroom, showed me to her toilet and holding her whip aloft, began to order me about.

Mist. S: Get your head down that toilet.

(She said sternly.)

Wombat News: No, I'm not doing that. I'll just pretend to do it.

She wasn't having any of this.

Mist. S: No, you won't. I want you to do it.

Wombat News: Why?

Mist. S: Because I say so.

(She cracked her whip.)

Wombat News: Alright I'll pretend to do it.

(She cracked her whip again.)

Mist. S: You'll do it for real. Stick your head in and lap at the water. I want to hear you lapping.

Wombat News: I'm not going lap at that .. there's a turd floating around down there.

(Another crack of her whip.)

Mist. S: DO IT!

Slowly I lowered my head into the toilet bowl (but I wasn't going to lap at the water, no way!), but she put her foot on my head and shoved it forcibly down and flushed the chain. I swallowed water, it tasted foul.

They've been ribbing me about it around the office ever since, calling me Toilet Breath!

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – ONCE MORE PUSHING THROUGH THE BOUNDARIES OF TASTE

Third Graders to Fight
Moscow; Wombat News

Eight-year-old Vladimir Putin will face off against nine-year old Damien Dreadfire behind the bike sheds in the NationStates Elementary School car park Friday, sources reported. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=117928)

The fight will be to solve a days-old dispute about who called who what name.

“Vladimir and Damien were never really good friends,” said classmate Susie Slagg. “But then someone told Vladimir that Damien was planning to steal his box of crayons. It was all kind of stupid. Vlad’s mum works in an art shop, so he has access to lots of different kinds of crayons. I think Vlad just felt uncomfortable not having control over the contents of his pencil case.”

Although the reports were later found out to be fabricated, the crayon incident left an uneasy hatred between the two boys. Experts hypothesise that these feelings of dislike surfaced when Damien showed up at school in with a brand new line in “Just Back from Hell” car stickers.

“Vladimir started whining about how Damien had stolen his idea,” said NationStates Elementary head teacher Violet Miggins. “Then he challenged Damien to a fight out in the car park. I really wanted them to get permission from the school council before starting the fight, but Vladimir insisted that he didn’t need permission from anybody to protect his own intellectual property.”

The fight is scheduled to begin just after classes on Friday afternoon. Each student has agreed to bring only ten friends to help with the fighting.

“I insisted that they follow a few simple rules,” said school caretaker Mimi Toram, during a telephone interview. “Each team is allowed to kill members of the opposing team with knives and guns, but chemical sprays are strictly prohibited. Additionally, combatants must not fire upon members of the opposing team who choose to surrender.”

Although millions of people around the world - including the NationStates Pope - have spoken out against the upcoming conflict, relatives of the children involved have felt a need to give unconditional support.

“Stab that bastard in the face!” screamed Vladimir’s mum.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE EYE IN THE SKY OF TRUTH AND JUSTICE

Results of Nathicana’s Knickers Study
Dread Lady Nathicana; Wombat News

After a welcome - albeit much too short - absence, the phrase "Nathi’s Knickers" has reappeared on internet search "Hot Topics" lists. Her recent publicity mongering has been a whopping success, sending hopeful heads of state frantically bidding to acquire any underwear belonging to the kinky vixen.

But with the internet, much as with the Dread Lady herself, style doesn't equal substance, and popularity doesn't guarantee satisfaction.

Based on analysis of 5,329,755 search engine results for "Nathi's Knickers":

Links with the Dread Lady’s actual knickers: 0.1%
Links with the Dread Lady’s fake knickers: 31.4%
Links with nothing even remotely related to the Dread Lady’s knickers: 68.5%

Based on a tracking survey of male heads of state between ages 14 and 25:

Likely to click any link that says "Nathi’s Knickers": 78.9%
Likely to be disappointed by link content: 97.3%
Likely to download any photos of the Dread Lady: 37.5%
Likely to read all the way to the end of this article: 1.8%

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – BRINGING YOU THE LATEST ON NATHI’S KNICKERS (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=113261&highlight=)

Wombat News: Roania Banned from UN Boardgame Convention
Roan City, Wombat News

Link (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=72067&highlight=)

The United Nations' "GameCon" board gaming convention was once again plunged into controversy last night when ugly scenes erupted around the "Monopoly" board.

Organisers had hoped that the event's reputation would not be further tarnished following the 2002 Ur an Ass riot that ended in 143 arrests for public disorder offences when The Silver Turtle delegation deliberately knocked down the "Jenga" towers on Tor Yvresse's turn, and the small-arms fire that killed three delegates recently during a game of "Risk" between the Automagfreek and Western Might delegations. But it was not to be, as once more fighting broke out between rival players leaving 17 people requiring hospital treatment.

"I hope that the banning of the Roanian delegation from the remainder of the UN GameCon will send out a clear message that we will no longer tolerate such behaviour at this convention," said Shortan Stumpy of the Ma-tek Commission on Fair Play. "This convention is about building bridges toward peaceful relations and eating a lot of pizza and cannot be used to further spurious political ambitions".

The trouble began when the Roanian delegation, represented by iron miniatures of an Armoured Personnel Carrier and an Apache ground-attack helicopter, insisted on playing "by our rules". With little or no property actually belonging to them on the board, the Roanians began to erect houses anywhere they liked irrespective of who actually owned the estates beneath them, and tried to force the other players to remain strictly within the Old Kent Road and Euston property group unless they had a valid travel visa.

"They just kept repeating ‘Go to detention centre, go directly to detention centre, do not pass checkpoint, do not collect any food or clean water for 27 days’ over and over as soon as anyone began to question them," complained one delegate who did not want to be identified. "Even when we only had the poorest properties on the board the UN were powerless to stop them building their own houses on them and knocking ours down".

Further evidence was amassed from the scattered "Chance" and "Community Chest" cards picked up by crime scene officers after the fight had ended. Australian Marsupials Gaming Police Commissioner Chuck Dunny told Wombat News that the cards had been "significantly tampered with". Examples included: “You have been assessed for street repairs: we drove our tanks over your houses” and “It is your birthday. Collect the body of your dead son from the Holy Roanian Inquisition”. "Believe me,” said Dunny, “this time there are going to be some very tough new resolutions drawn up for those naughty people to completely ignore".

After converting the Electricity Company into an arms manufacturer and receiving millions of pounds worth of aid from the Corporate Coalition team playing "Game of Life" on the next table, the last straw came when the Roanians attempted to put houses on "Free Parking" to make sure they got all the money from fines the other players had to pay, whereupon heavy and protracted aerial punching began on both sides.

Organisers hope that the remainder of the convention will now be able to proceed without further incident, although concern has been expressed about tomorrow's "Cluedo" final between Menelmacar and Melkor Unchained as the Menelmacari delegation have already made it clear that they believe Dr. Black was murdered by Jay Reaven in the Orc Factory using the One Ring and intend assassinating him before the game has even begun.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE NEWS THAT SHOULD BE REPORTED

CACEville Discovered - Invasion Imminent
Wombat News

In the worldwide mission to hunt donw and eliminate for foreign, non-capitalist economists, SATO "intelligence" organisations have stumbled upon the amazing discovery of a land called CACEville, once thought to be fantasy, (http://invisionfree.com/forums/CACE/index.php?act=idx) and have labelled it as a threat to world peace.

This will have far reaching implications as it is said to be the world’s breeding ground for left-wing economists by SATO governments who claim, as well, that it is the hiding place of a rare breed of SeOCCommunist, much to the dismay of capitalist children everywhere.

In a statement made by SATO on plans to invade CACEville, it was noted that “the SeOCC regime is oppressing the free Kooks and they must be saved from this tyrannical government who are taking up lethal economic arms. We all know which side their bread is buttered on.”

Which side you butter you bread on, all the way through taking over their vegetable oil reserves has played a part in the reasoning for the announced invasion.

In an attempt to save the Kooks from dying from high cholesterol levels, SATO spokespersons explain that any free nation would not have their bread buttered on top: “We as free individuals enjoy having our bottoms buttered and it is our duty to share this necessity of freedom and democracy. We must break down the walls of the chief SeOCCeroo who has built up a chemical arsenal of non-stick oil sprays. First it was cream, then butter, margarine … and now high oleic spray oils are being stockpiled. They clearly pose a threat to democracy everywhere.”

Thus will begin Operation Fox in SeOCCs.

“We all have a stake in this plot of a Big Boy Woomeroo”, exclaimed Mr. Shortone, (the new foreign diplomacy and war minister to CACEville) in protest. “We did have our own cold war but only because butter spoils at room temperature. SATO has no sense of our culture.”

This needs special care in explaining the coming events to the world’s children so as to avoid unnecessary trauma (for the ones that survive anyway). In doing so, world renowned child psychologist Dr. Zeus, said “we must explain the past events leading up to this modern day scenario”. Thus, the child psychologist has written a book for children to adjust to these ideals and to understand the conflict of economies, the world crisis, and foremost, the communication breakdowns in diplomacy that cause war. The publication also ranks as a surprisingly accurate book among adults who recognise cock and bull, as well as deceit, when they hear it.

Here is an example of Dr. Zeus’ children’s book “Fox In SeOCCs” which, as he explains, begins in the usual double-talk of debate that precedes military conflict, and which always leaves children hearing nothing but nonsense while adults pretend to understand it all.

Excerpts from the book:

Take it slowly. This book is dangerous!

Here’s an easy thing to say, here’s an easy game to play. [Illustrations obviously accompany each page which begins with a creature in an unusually tall striped hat seen at a crowded meeting negotiating with another creature about Operation Fox in SeOCCS].

Sam: “Attention! Sam I am! Now, regarding the handling of the SeOCCs situation, I would not could not on a train but I could maybe on a plane, providing that Operation Fox in SeOCCs … ”

Mr Knottox, interrupting: “Wait Mr Speaker. I would not could not with a fox, I would not could not on a box.”

Sam: “I do not like your green eggs and crack, I do not like them. Sam I am!”

Part Two: Foreign Conflict

Sam bends Donnie’s broom. Donnie bends Sam’s broom. Sam’s bends. Sam’s bent broom breaks. Donnie’s bent broom breaks.

Mr Knottox: “Mr. Sam! I hate this game, sir. This game makes my tongue quite lame, sir! Operation Fox, sir?!? I won't do it. I can't say it, I won't chew it!”

Sam: “You won't bite, sir???? Very well, sir. Step this way, sir. We’ll find another game to play, sir.”

Sam’s band. Donnie’s band. Military bands. Bandstands. March, march! Pig Band. Big band! Boom!

Mr Knottox: “My poor mouth can’t say that. No, sir! My poor mouth is much too slow, sir!”

Sam: “Well, then bring your mouth this way, I’ll find it something it can say.”

Mr Knottox: "Very well then, Mr Sam, sir. Let’s have a little talk about Sasky Seetles (a paramilitary faction for the Kooks). Where do you stand on Sasky Seetles?”

Sam: “When a Seetle Sasky fights it’s called … ”

Mr Knottox: “Fox in SeOCCs Operation? I think not sir, Mr Sam, sir, our game here is done, sir. I won’t talk such blabber blubber, my tongue isn’t made of rubber!”

Adults noticed no difference between this and their usual diet of television news.

It was later announced that the Sirix will take no part in the new governing of CACEville once Operation Fox in SeOCCs is completed as there will be no trees left. Not anywhere. In the end though, Dr Zeus explained that war can be very educational for children. "Holy Wombat, when I was a little boy, I thought Aperin was a small furry fruit.”

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – TITTLE TATTLE FROM THE FLUBBER LUBBER

Granny Slag In DeathMatch Challenge Shock
Granny Slag Issues DeathMatch Challenges to World Leaders
The SLAGLands; Wombat News

Any doubt that Granny Slag’s power, prestige, and confidence was based solely on her domination of the world choc-chip cookie market were forcefully dispelled at a press conference this morning. Introduced with the cry of “Granny’s Ready to Grapple!", Granny Slag charged into the conference room wearing a knit-wear thong, a sweat band, and a belly-revealing sleeveless t-shirt in a lilac print bearing a picture of a choc-chip cookie above the words “Granny to Go.”

Repeatedly flexing an unexpectedly impressive array of pecs, biceps, and triceps, Granny Slag launched into one of her most animated press conferences to date, fielding not merely reporters’ questions, but often the reporters themselves. Those who asked questions Granny regarded as silly, naïve, or poorly phrased found themselves being body slammed, rabbit punched, or bounced off the walls of the conference room.

After introducing the two leather thong-clad young men with her as “my bitches, Mr. Happy and Mr. Lucky” Granny Slag proceeded to issue a series of challenges to what she described as the World Federation of Evil, which apparently includes Melkor Unchained, Automagfreek, Iesus Christi, most of Arda and the Reich.

After defying the leaders of those areas to meet her “anywhere, any time, day or night, in the DeathMatch cage” and experience “GOAT – the Granny of All Thrashings”, Granny Slag went on to make numerous derogatory allusions to those leaders’ courage and physical strength, as well as the size of their gross domestic products.

With the assistance of the late correspondent from the Roania Government News network, Granny Slag then demonstrated the “Cookie Crusher” which she expressed a wish to try out in the immediate future on The Brotherhood of Nod, godmodders, certain unidentified “NationStates flamers” and a person named Gerald whom she apparently still remembers from school.

At the conclusion of the press conference, many observers appeared sceptical of Granny Slag’s claim that Ruhr had accepted her challenge to a tag-team match with the Dread Lady Nathicana, since it was generally thought that Ruhr’s partner, Mr. Floppy, would be busy that weekend. None were heard to express their scepticism openly, however.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – BRINGING YOU FACE-TO-FACE WITH CAUSALITY

Angmar Yields Enormous Cache of Lost Luggage
Identifying Bags Could Take Months
Angmar, Mars; Wombat News

Troops securing Angmar have uncovered what they called a “massive” cache of lost luggage, Menelmacari commander Oropher Calafalas revealed today.

While stating that the discovery of the lost luggage was a “significant” tipping point in Operation Carousel (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=120396&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=200), Calafas warned that it could take months to properly identify all of the items that allied forces had found.

“Many bags look alike,” Calafas said at today’s press briefing.

The cache of lost luggage appears to confirm the allies’ suspicion that Imakarum Mirabilis had been hoarding similar-looking bags for years in order to throw the world’s baggage claim systems into turmoil.

The hoarding of similar-looking bags is in clear violation of international law, lost luggage legal experts said today, and merely reinforces the allies' claims that the regime was evil and that no further justification was needed for any attack.

A Kajali spokesman said that after the military conflict is over, it is the allies’ intent to return the lost luggage to all of their countries of origin, adding, “except to those bastard Snels”.

Another Kajali spokesman apologized for his colleague’s outburst moments later, saying that he looked forward to “working together with the Snel as important strategic partners for the new century,” adding, “those bastards”.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – RE-UNITING YOUR BAGGAGE WITH THE TRUTH

Monkey Throws Crap, Hits Target
Wombat News

A daring daylight offensive commenced yesterday at the NationStates Zoo. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=122869&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0) With no warning seven-year-old chimpanzee Scolo began scooping piles of faeces and hurling them over the moat surrounding ToY Island, hitting several young children who were part of a field research project from nearby Melkor Unhinged.

The faeces are being considered biological weapons and the surviving victims have been quarantined. Wombat News asked ToY Island worker Fallible Bob if this was an ordinary occurrence.

"The monkeys are always throwing shit at each other and all over their island, in fact, the only thing they do other than throw shit is masturbate. They masturbate a hell of a lot. Usually they can't throw the shit over the moat, but Scolo has quite an arm and ever since we increased the fibre in his diet, his stools have become more solid which means that they can be thrown further. Seriously, man, those kids never knew what hit them."

Bob said the other ToY Island monkeys did nothing to stop Scolo. "They really appreciate a well-thrown ball of poop.”

Resident Wombat News expert, journalist and biology professor Muck Racker defended Scolo, "Research indicates ToY Island monkeys spend up to 80 per cent of their lives throwing shit, collecting shit, examining shit, picking shit up with sticks, trying to eat shit, rolling in shit, building primitive structures out of shit, we are talking about a species of shit connoisseurs, shit experts whose knowledge of shit has evolved over millions of years."

THIS BROADCAST HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – SIFTING THE CRAP TO BRING YOU THE PEARLS OF TRUTH

Wave-Particle Duality? - Tosh, says Woman
Lost in Time, Wombat News

Doctors at Hokum General Hospital admitted today that they were baffled by the condition of Hokum housewife Mrs Xera Anthal, 57, whose apparent expertise in high-energy physics emerged after a routine rectal probe procedure went terribly wrong (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=120230).

"It's all very strange," said Doctor Nina Kaland, head of rectal probes and anal abnormalities. "We were proceeding quite normally with our probing when a junior assistant mistook her curling tongs for a surgical appliance and unfortunately Mrs Anthal received 240 volts rectally. Since then Mrs Anthal has been stunning the world of physics with her insightful theories of space and time."

But local historian Mr Terry Tonias insists there is nothing new in this occurrence. Speaking from the next bed to Mrs Anthal, Mr Tonias said:

"It's not the first time electrifying the nether regions has induced genius. Einstein's true genius emerged only when the great man was caught on an electrified fence during his escape from the Germans during the war … which also explains his odd hair-do. And Archimedes proclaimed eureka only when Mrs Archimedes accidentally dropped the electric toaster in his bath."

Doctor Kaland was unsure.

"All that may or may not be true," she said. "Though I have my doubts that electric toasters existed back in Archimedes' day. No, it may simply be a case that applying high voltage to one’s back passage concentrates the mind in a very unique way. Or perhaps it's not. Don't ask me - I mess about with people's bottoms all day - how much more of a failed doctor can you get?"

But the last word belongs to Mrs Anthal.

"If you collide two atoms of roanium at an energy greater than 10 billion electron volts, you'll liberate an intermediate vector boson travelling faster than the speed of light in a vacuum. Has anyone seen the calamine lotion?"

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – PLUMBING THE DEPTHS OF TIME FOR YOUR ALTERNATIVE ENTERTAINMENT

Generous Tourists Donate to Prolong Civil War
Steel Butterfly, Wombat News

The violent civil war which has killed hundreds of thousands of Steel Butterflies has become an attraction for affluent young NationStates tourists. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=117853)

Guides report that tourists are now giving money to insurrectionist gunmen and queuing to have their picture taken with masked rebels.

Guide Vlad Yawphul told Wombat News that "for many tourists, speaking to gun-toting rebels is an exciting experience. They get excited because they are not affected by the insurgency like the locals are."

Tappee-Oca tourist Fee Fie Phobofum told Wombat News of her experience with rebels in galactic western Steel Butterfly.

"I enjoyed chatting with them," she said, "and I gave them 5 dollars. They explained to me how they would use the donation for the insurgency."

"Normally I'm reluctant to donate to rebel scum because so much aid gets misspent on schools, clinics, food or saving themselves from their evil oppressors," she confided to our reporter much later, "rather than much-needed guns and explosives."

Tiburonianianian university student Nina Kaland admitted paying for photographs with rebels. "Soldiers are murderers and fascists," she explained, "except for Eric and this guy. He let me hold his gun."

Nina visited Steel Butterfly four months ago with her girlfriend Claire Mountjoy, who initially feared they would miss out on the civil war. "We were worried about peace negotiations," she confided, "but luckily no-body’s talking to anyone else. Phew!"

Celeriacian political science student Minnie Fluzzie also gave generously to the rebels, reminding Wombat News of our "duty as caring citizens". "Rebellion is definitely the best solution for the Steel Butterfly people," she said. "Just look how successful it was in Roania, Thelas and The Imperial Navy."

However, for eco-tourist Greta Mystes giving money to Steel Butterfly imperials is all about ecological sustainability. "It's like giving back to the civil war," she explained, "so it'll still be there for the next generation."

"Rebels in the hinterlands are one of the few remaining cultural experiences in Steel Butterfly," illuminated Greta, "especially since the government started exterminating large swathes of the population."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE MOTE IN THE EYE OF TRUTH

Baron Wants Orm Embar Feng Shui Compliant
Kalessin, Wombat News

A group of Kalessini nobles led by Baron Angree al Grumpee have written an open letter to the Kalessini Emperor asking him to have Orm Embar reviewed for feng shui compliance. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2749968&highlight=#2749968)

"People think feng shui is just a silly fad, but it is about the very fundamentals of energy flow. It is the culmination of thousands of years of human study. The principals should not be ignored," explained the Baron.

Feng shui - from the Chinese for wind and water - deals with the design of a structure and the placement of objects within it to allow for a proper flow of energy. Its practitioners vary greatly in their opinions of what is good and what is bad, but it is generally accepted that the galactic north-west area should be kept free of sharp objects, flowers, and broken items.

Not all of Kalessin’s nobility agree with the letter. "I've seen these guys work," said Baron Synic al B’stard. "They walk around with their charts and their compasses, mumbling about dragons and energy and what not. A bunch of bollocks is what it is. And I’ve got news for them. Their compasses won't work on Orm Embar."

"Feng shui is a highly misunderstood concept," said feng shui expert and master Swind al Fleece. "Its principles have been in use for 3,000 years. No, of course literal dragons are not tearing through your house – we don’t believe in dragons, that would be just crazy! And no bad energies are really going to disrupt life, such as it is, on Orm Embar. But these principles are time-honoured, solid, and provide for a living space that it is well balanced for all involved."

The Emperor has not responded to the letter. His spokesman did, however, issue a statement saying only that he was “pleased to help govern a state as diverse as Kalessin, where many opinions can be brought to the fore and discussed. He may not agree with them all, but he supports their discussion."

In other news tonight, there has been a rash of disappearances amongst the Kalessini nobility. Some sources close to the disappearances are blaming them on so-called dragons, but other, more reliable, sources have informed Wombat News that the nobles concerned have simply all gone on extended holidays.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – BRINGING YOU CLOSER TO THE TRUTH THAN YOU REALLY CARE TO BE

Wombat News Denies Subliminal Messaging
Australian Marsupials; Wombat News

Wombat News spokeswoman Sheila Dinkidi vehemently denied claims earlier today that the world's most famous news broadcaster had been engaging in underhanded and subliminal messaging practices. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2773591&highlight=#2773591) "The superlative quality of Wombat News is all we need," Dinkidi said, before quietly adding, "watching Wombat News makes you smarter".

A report published by the Advertising Standards Society (ASS) early this month named Wombat News among a handful of well-known global corporations suspected of using subliminal messaging to increase awareness and sales of their products. Ms. Dinkidi, sporting a "Pink Bunny Cola Causes Cancer" t-shirt, denied this claim.

"Subliminal messaging - watch Wombat News - is illegal throughout most of the world, and Wombat News strictly adheres to those laws," she stated, before quickly holding up a picture of the Wombat News logo, and then immediately hiding it behind her podium.

Responding to the claim that Wombat News has doctored images broadcast by them to include hidden silhouettes of wombats and other marsupials, Dinkidi stated "that's just crazy talk", and "maybe [the ASS] is going crazy from not watching enough Wombat News, which can happen".

She denied that there was any link to this claim and Wombat News’ recently opened "Image Doctoring Division", or their exclusive licensing of Adobe Photoshop 8.0, a popular image editing application.

Dinkidi reminded the press that according to the latest Wombat News research, in a blindfold test, Machiavelli would have chosen Wombat News over CNN.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NOT IN ANY WAY – WATCH WOMBAT NEWS - TRYING TO INFLUENCE YOUR VIEWING CHOICES

Revolutionary Computer Comes Pre-Obsolete
ToYut; Wombat News

Home computer giant Angelus may have finally overcome the problem of the gadgets quickly becoming outdated with its new computer model, the Archailect "Antiquata". (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=125814)

Computers have always been notorious for their inability to keep up with the breakneck pace of technology, growing obsolete seemingly before being taken out of the box. But if we’re to believe Angelus president Saturnine Archai, those days may very well be soon behind us.

In an exclusive press conference held yesterday, Archai unveiled the new computer, but not before giving a brief preview.

"Over the years, I’ve seen too many friends, co-workers, and relatives purchase a shiny new computer, only to grow frustrated and psychotic after discovering it wouldn't run half of the programmes they wanted it to simply because it was a few months old," explained Archai. "After seeing my brother hurl his six month-old system at his wife, screaming obscenities, I decided to do something about this situation."

With a flash of smoke, a curtain was lifted, revealing the Antiquata in all its boxy glory. In the ensuing applause and fanfare, Archai explained the machine’s abilities.

"You see, my friends, the Antiquata’s secret is this: it’s completely and utterly outdated the second you open it. In fact, it comes that way. You don’t have to worry about keeping up with the times, because with this computer, you’ll already be far, far behind them."

Chuckling, the computer guru raised his hands in mock defence.

"I know, I know, you’re wondering how I can make such a bold claim. Well, it just so happens that I’ve got the specs to back it up. First of all, the Antiquata’s outer casing is made entirely of wood - none of that ‘plastic’ or ‘metal’ stuff here! But the insides are even better. A 3 kilohertz processor, 32 kilobytes of RAM, and a 512 kilobyte hard drive ensure that you’ll be going nowhere fast. In fact, bugger the fast part - you’ll be going just plain nowhere!"

Impressively, Archai rattled off even more stunning features.

"The Antiquata is not able to connect to a printer, speakers, or any other sort of external device. Tired of your kids talking about newfangled ‘compact discs’? Good, because the Antiquata can’t play them! Or floppy disks."

When asked about the Antiquata’s ability to run Windoze, Archai burst out in loud guffaws.

"Windoze? Holy f@&k, I think not. You’ll be lucky to even turn this thing on. Which reminds me, the Antiquata is so outdated, it may explode if you bump it, attempt to use it, or talk loudly around it, resulting in injury, and in some cases, death! Folks, I ask you: does it get any more obsolete than this?"

While the Antiquata sounds impressive, companies like Zero-One are already following suit.

"Sucks to the Antiquata," snorted 0-1 vice president Shoddy Worker. "Our new system is so outdated, it actually has the ability to downgrade any other computers you might own."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE CUTTING EDGE OF PRE-OBSOLESCENT TECHNOLOGY

Elderly Elf Weds Decrepit Scion of Darkness
Wombat News

Last week in Las Vegas an aged elf and the most evil being ever to walk the path of darkness were secretly wed at the "Lucky Luke" wedding chapel. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2791145&highlight=#2791145)

After a night on the town in Las Vegas, Sirithil and Melkor (life-long acquaintances) decided that they should go out and have a few banana daiquiris. It is believed that Sirithil popped the question to the evil spawn of darkness, who jumped at the opportunity.

The staff at the “Lucky Luke” all night marriage chapel, although surprised to see the couple, are used to such high profile marriages between autocratic despots and evil personified, having hosted the wedding of Dread Lady Nathicana and Damian Dreadfire the previous month.

Why the elderly Sirithil has decided to marry the aged wrinkly Melkor may remain a mystery, but when Melkor’s pal, Jay Raeven, was asked why he thought Sirithil had fallen for the heart of darkness, he said simply:

"It's his spectacles and zimmer frame, they’re just so Holy Wombat be damned sexy!!!"

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – RISKING AN ETERNITY OF SUFFERING TO BRING YOU THE TRUTH

Nuclear Weapons Recalled in New Health Scare
Shocking New Health Research links Deaths and Illness to use of Nuclear Weapons

Wombat News

Mega Tau Defence Minister Gully Bell ordered the country's entire nuclear arsenal withdrawn from service today (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=55372&sid=ebc104cfec8d07e2873c4270f4500575) - and placed in large foam containers - in the light of worrying new evidence about the health risks posed by these “highly explosive” weapons.

Similar measures are being put in place by all the world's nuclear powers, with Russian Forces instigating a recall of many thousands of privately owned warheads from mafia gangs throughout the country. Rogue states such as Roania are said to be considering throwing all their warheads "into the sea" in order to reduce the possible risks.

Knootoss military planners, who spent the day frantically trying to play down safety fears, described the moves as "just routine precautions". In a news conference at Knootoss HQ earlier today, spokeswoman Wanda Quillem said: "Clearly we must all study the latest findings in full before we jump to any conclusions, but this is obviously very worrying."

The world defence crisis was triggered by evidence released this morning by a research team at New Bee that appears to link the use of nuclear weapons with increased mortality rates and a whole range of other illnesses.

The New Bish used new DNA techniques to link a number of cases of mortality and illnesses in their immediate area to a nuclear weapon used by a previous New Bish government. Dr Mumbo Jumbo, who led the team, said "We really weren't expecting to find anything like this. We had assumed that the high rate of mortality during this period was related to food poisoning from a diet of too many raw prawns. But the prawns hypothesis just couldn't explain the 98.5% death rate. It would be wrong of me to speculate, but at this early stage in our research it looks like nuclear weapons could be the vital key to this mystery.”

“Our research is still at an early stage, but it appears that any person standing in the vicinity of a nuclear weapon when it explodes at a temperature of 20 million degrees Fahrenheit could be very seriously injured, possibly even killed. It's a shocking discovery."

Meanwhile, on the world's stock-markets, defence shares went into free-fall as investors feared that this new health scare could open the flood-gates to claims for damages from numerous potential victims and their relatives.

Some experts have now begun to call for radical changes across the whole defence industry, to create a new breed of totally harmless weapons for the new Millennium. One diplomatic source told us that world leaders are already preparing a re-draft of the Geneva convention, in which soldiers will be required to "lie down and play dead" when hit by an opposing army's water pistols, which are now likely to be introduced as the completely safe non-nuclear alternative.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE PURVEYOR OF THE HEALTHIEST NEWS ON NATIONSTATES

Lavenrunz Abolishes Non-Humans
Lavenrunz; Wombat News

Count Mirbach announced yesterday that all non-humans have been abolished. "A group of Christian scientists have proven that non-humans are not true humans," the Count announced, "and we have decided to take appropriate steps." (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=127593&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=)

"Part of the Volksraad disagreed with us, but the evidence was clear," continued Mirbach. "There is no doubt that non-humans are not humans, and certainly not worthy of being part of our great society. While this was already understood in the Christian Nationalist Party many years ago, we needed proof to convince all those leftie intellectuals. Finally, the scientists of Christian Research Against Polemics (CRAP) have provided that proof. It is simple to understand and cannot be refuted, especially now that all those liberal traitors that plagued the Volksraad have been rounded up and shot."

The following is a brief summation of the main points presented in the CRAP report:

1. Many infamous liberals were non-human. Children of such liberals had similar political beliefs as their parents. This proves that non-humans are genetically evil.

2. All non-humans think they are equal or superior to the proud human race. A prime example of their inherent racism is Lady Sirithil nos Fëanor, the deranged harpy who wants to humble all humans with her abnormal longevity and huge gravship fleets (obviously the result of some elvish skullduggery).

3. Non-humans are not mentioned in the Holy Bible. There are no non-humans in Genesis. Therefore, God did not create non-humans. By process of elimination, we therefore come to the conclusion that non-humans must have been created by Satan.

4. In most pulp SF novels, humans are obviously a force for good, while non-humans are invariably portrayed as evil. This is clearly a sign from our Lord God, warning us of the evil of non-humans.

"Thus, from this day forth there shall be no more non-humans in the National Socialist State of Lavenrunz! If you are non-human, please leave the country immediately," stated Mirbach before leaving the podium.

When asked what would happen to non-humans who remained in Lavenrunz, Count Mirbach said, "We’re going to show them what Lavenrunz really stands for. We will not accept their evil and their racism here. This is the land of the free!"

A large group of people demonstrating outside the Volksraad building were gunned down by Young Nationalist black-shirts. The killings were hailed as "a victory against tolerance". Thousands of non-humans have been fleeing the country, mostly to neighbouring countries, but many have also decided to stay home, not being able to believe the announcement. Most of them will be executed shortly, the Volksraad announced.

It is still unknown whether this edict will extend to Count Mirbach himself.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – SHINING THE BRIGHT LIGHT OF TRUTH INTO THE DARK CORNERS OF INTOLERANCE

Head-Hunting for Chimaea's Next Governor - Do YOU Have What It Takes To Be Chimaea's Next Governor?

Chimaea; Wombat News

On Wednesday morning Chimaea swore in its latest Governor. Needless to say, Tanya Bryce is a very nervous woman right now, riding on the razor's edge between populist rhetoric and political disaster. Since further breakdowns in law and order are inevitable, a new Governor will probably be needed some time in the next six weeks. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=130576)

Having run out of viable candidates, Chimaean political leaders have already begun the hunt for the next Governor.

"A warm climate, immense political power, and all the cup-cakes you can eat," begins the new direct mail campaign. "You may have already been selected to become the next Governor of Chimaea."

Out of a sense of duty to the long-suffering people of Chimaea and to you, our audience, we have provided an English translation of the Chimaean Governor employment application:

****************

Name: ___________________________________

Date of Birth: / /

You would describe yourself as a lily-livered liberal / servant of the people / ruthless dictator

Would you be available to work for at least the next six weeks? Yes / No

Why did you leave your last job? ___________________________________

How did you hear about us? Wombat News / Head-Hunter Magazine / Other

Are your bags packed right now? Yes / No

****************

Just fill the form out to the best of your ability and send it to the following address:

Me for Governor!!
Governorship Applications Office
Magnolia House
New Sydney
Chimaea

It may seem simple now, but one should not get too excited. The current rate of gubernatorial turnover indicates that the job will not last for long. Much in the same way that everyone in North America will someday marry Britney Spears, it is statistically very likely that everyone will get a turn at being Governor of Chimaea.

Good luck Governoring.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – BRINGING YOU CLOSER TO THE DEMOCRATIC POLITICAL PROCESS

World Waits for Pope’s Successor
Holy Vatican See; Wombat News

Following the tragic death of Pope Sixtus VI (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=129082&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0), Wombat News chief editor Pape Razzi announced today that Wombat News would be producing a religious version of the well-known show “Pop Idol”. Pope Idol should hit your screens later this year, and has been dubbed as the "Holy Man's Pop Idol".

Pope Idol will see budding priests, bishops, deacons, monks and any other eager religious "nutcases" battling it out to win the ultimate Bible-bashers prize, along with the eternal glory of being every nun's number one papal pin up.

With the Catholic Church hit by recent scandal, this could not come at a better time to revive the fortunes of the papacy.

Judges have yet to be confirmed but Razzi said: "What we will be looking for is the ultimate Catholic. You know … the ones who really hate Protestants. The ones who don't eat meat on a Friday. The ones that think every time they have that piece of bread at Mass, they're biting into Christ's ample belly."

Meanwhile, the world waits with clenched buttocks to see just who will be chosen.

Catholics the world over can barely breathe with anticipation and talk of little else but who will next occupy Peter’s Seat.

"Non-Catholics don't realise just how important the Pope is ..." Cardinal Titahs of Jerusalem told Wombat News. “The Pope says condoms are out ... the rubbish is going to be filled with condoms. If he decrees a particular sexual position preferable, well, that's the one everyone's going to be doing. If he says gay is bad, then there's going to be a rush of hairdressers looking for wives ... one really can't underestimate the power this guy has."

Wombat News asked churchgoers leaving Largent’s St. Mary of the Apocalypse Catholic Church just what they were hoping for from the new Pope.

"I think condoms are a big issue, " Mrs Mary Magdalene told Wombat News. "I mean, my husband and me, we've got seventeen children already. We don't want anymore, so I'm hoping that he's going to OK condoms or the pill or some other solution. We need some new thought in the Church."

Her friend Debbie Dallas agrees. "Bobbie and I have nine kids and we definitely need something new. Even if he doesn't say anything about condoms as such, all the wives here are at least hoping for an explicit condemnation of anal sex. Most of us just can't take it up there anymore."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – LIFTING THE VEIL OF RELIGION TO BRING YOU CLOSER TO THE TRUTH AND THE LIGHT

Is Assington killing Feminists Sustainably?
Assington; Wombat News

A working group within the Assington government has reported that using the extermination of feminists (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=132528) as a tool to increase the self-esteem of the nation’s men is unsustainable. Many Assingtonians are concerned that if current trends continue, there may not be enough feminists left to sustain their persecution, and so bolster the machismo of the male population.

Scientists are divided on the issue. Though at current rates, there are enough feminists to kill for at least another 100 years, factors such as emigration and low birth-rates among lesbian couples could be expected to cut further into the population.

Additionally, once the easy targets are killed, the remainder become harder to get at.

The working group's chairman, General Num Knuts, has told Wombat News that the practice of killing feminists -known as “feminicide” - is core to the Assington government’s efforts to improve the levels of self-esteem amongst their men.

"But we can't just go out there and kill as many as we can," he said. "We need to keep stocks above replacement level, so that future generations of men will have someone to blame and to persecute."

But General Knuts defended the practice of feminicide.

"Furthermore, feminists are rich … in their love of civil rights, of course" he told us. "So we're also hunting them in an effort to harvest those riches."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – A GLIMMER OF REASON IN THE MAELSTROM OF IDIOCY

Elven Women In Torrid Affair Shock*
Wombat News

It’s that time of year again. GDODAD is trying to kick off another world war. Time for everyone to settle back in their favourite armchairs and watch the bitch-fest develop. It is also time for the women of NationStates to meticulously plan and carry out sexual affairs, mostly with other women who have little or no interest in world wars.

Siri (not her real name) lives in a trailer-park and her current love interest is a live footage addict. "He watches every war, every highlight, every report. He doesn't miss anything, and that gives me time to have a torrid affair with Alirai, my lover," she told Wombat News.

Like Siri, a growing number of women now look forward to the warmongering season, instead of dreading it as they had on the past. "God, I used to get so angry," said Siri, "but now, it's a great time for both of us. He gets to watch all of the action, and I get to sleep with Aliria, pretty much guilt-free." Last year, Siri suggested to several of her girlfriends that they too, have an affair during the season, and a new subculture was born.

"At first, I wasn't sure if I should," said Siri's friend Eris (also not her real name). She said that she tried to keep her consorts interested in her by cooking and cleaning naked, but it did not work for long. "They would hop on me every now and again, but once the wars started, my breasts could have been on fire and they wouldn't have noticed."

Soon, Eris found herself on a date with Alirai’s friend Nathi, and an affair began soon after. "It's nice" says Eris. "Nathi doesn't care about wars, and by the time she has bored me to death with all of her nonsense, this year’s apocalypse will over and I can get back to my normal relationships. Everybody wins this way."

Marriage experts frown on what are being called "apocalypse affairs", but acknowledge that in some cases, it can keep a relationship together. "Some men really do care way to much about war," says relationship guru Jeremy Sidcup. "Having the affairs may keep women from getting angry and resentful, and therefore keep an otherwise healthy relationship together." Sidcup stresses that there are better ways to deal with these matters, such as planning a night together each week when live newsfeeds are not being shown on Wombat TV.

Siri and Alirai, however, plan to continue their "conflict cuddles" as long as their menfolk insist on watching hours of live footage from the latest battlefield each week. "No way am I giving up Alirai," says Siri. "Not until the guys stop loving war, and that isn't likely to happen anytime soon, unless they get brain damage or something, and even then I'd probably have affairs for a whole other reason, you know."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – TEMPTING THE FURIES

* The names have been changed in this report to protect the innocent

OOC: You forgot my Board Games one. And why don't you write about me any more? Oh, btw... delete the Vrak one, or I'll find a way to hunt you down and smite you, even if you do live in a bubble.

Thanks for respecting my privacy Womby, my real name is "Alirai", not "Aliria", but anyway...

Thanks for respecting my privacy

You're welcome.

WN

Wombat News: Gay Marriage Wiped out Life on NationStates
NationStates Went Pink, [violet] Reveals; Wombat News

In an internationally televised address last night on the subjects of gay matrimony and NationStates, [violet] revealed that homosexual marriages wiped out virtually all intelligent life on NationStates.

“Wombat News roving reporters have discovered that NationStates at one time was host to a great civilization, perhaps even more advanced than the Irony Age,” [violet] said. “However that civilization, and virtually all living things in it, were ultimately destroyed by homosexual marriages.”

While Wombat News reporters have found evidence of the water necessary for sustaining life, they have found little evidence of intelligent life itself, “leading me to the unavoidable conclusion that homosexual marriages must have destroyed it,” [violet] said.

“The NationStaters, for all their advancements, obviously neglected to outlaw homosexual marriages,” [violet] continued. “We follow their example at our peril.”

In a response to [violet]’s speech, the few remaining NationStates survivors denied that there was any evidence that they had “gone pink”, going on to say that while they agreed that traces of water had been discovered, “no evidence whatsoever” of NationStates homosexuals existed.

“We do know that NationStaters were wets,” Vrak and Roania (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2944058&highlight=#2944058), in a joint statement, announced. “We do not know how they got to be so wet.”

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – PRETTY IN PINK NEWS

Wombat News: Aelosia to Invade Arda
Aelosia; Wombat News

Aelosia (http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/target=display_nation/nation=Aelosia) announced today that they have launched a "total all-out invasion" against Arda. In a tersely worded statement the Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces of Aelosia, the ShadowPrincess Avril Poisson said that “the entire might of the Aelosian armed forces will soon be hurled against Arda." (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=136003)

The invasion was prompted by rumours that Melkor Unchained is finally having a short nap, which has led the Aelosians to believe that a country already dazed by events on Mars will be now be unable to repel a sustained attack. In the words of Ms Poisson, "we've been waiting for this opportunity for years, now we'll get them just when they least expect it, the bastards!"

Outlining the invasion plans to Wombat News, Commander of the Aelosian Navy, Count Admiral Jim Teakirk, wearing a full admiral's uniform and an enormous plumed ostrich-feather hat, was speaking from the helm of the flagship of the Aelosian Navy, the Nimloth, a vessel which appeared to be a hastily modified dinghy with "Property of Western Might" crossed out and a double barrelled shotgun strapped to the front with "industrial strength cellotape".

He also denied that the invasion should be seen in any way as retaliation for Melkor’s past rudeness. "This is purely a defensive measure to ensure the protection of our people as well as keeping those orc-loving fiends away from our hills and dales, woods and fields. Anyway, Aelosians are a modest people and it is not in our nature to laud it over another's misfortune," he explained as he ran up the ship's colours consisting of a giant frisbee with a few stars emblazoned haphazardly around it.

Mr Teakirk then formally launched the maritime force with the traditional command of "Paddle her out, Captain. Steady as she goes." Aelosia's ShadowPrincess then went on to explain what weapons the Aelosians would be deploying. "Our scientists have worked day and night to develop an array of state-of-the-art weaponry. Our genetically modified sUper-g0ats can devour an acre of grass in less than one minute thereby reducing the Southron grasslands to a half-decent soccer pitch in record time. The anti-submarine über-s4lm0n of d00m has been specially bred and trained to swim into and block up a submarine's torpedo tubes, and our whirligig se4gulls of desparation have been taught to deliver a devastating aerial payload to the head. The Ardans won't stand a chance."

When asked whether any of the 2000 Thelasi and Yvressian armed forces personnel currently stationed on the Craftworld would be called upon to assist, Ms Poisson confirmed that "she hadn't got round to asking them yet and was rather hoping they wouldn't notice until the invasion was fully underway."

However, she confirmed she had informed Menelmacar. "I have just spoken to the Elentári over a crackly sub-space line. She appeared very excited by the news," she explained. "Although it was difficult to make out her exact words, what with the static and all that shouting at the other end, I am certain that she congratulated us on our great endeavour. She also said how much she admired Aelosia's pluckiness - at least I think that's what she said."

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS AS IT OUGHT TO BE

Wombat News: Dreadfire Primed for Huge Comeback
Automagfreek; Wombat News

Damien Dreadfire, star of such blockbuster musicals as “The Halls of the Dead” and “To Hell and Back – My Way” announced today that he is finally ready to return to the silver screen and please his legions of fans. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=137574&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0)

"I figured it was finally time to come out of the darkness and give the public what they so richly deserve - my face." Dreadfire said, after giving his beard a good trim.

Dreadfire finally shed light on the secretive movie he is currently shooting: “A Delusion of a Little Place called Crimmond Destroyed by the Robot Travel Agent”, in which he plays an hairdresser who discovers a wicked plot by an evil airline boss called Delta who gets his hair cut at the salon where he sweeps up.

"It's such a powerful role," Dreadfire beamed. "My character uncovers the secret, and uses the detective skills he learned washing hair to defeat the giant robot travel agent the evil Delta has made from scrap Boeing 737s and laid-off employees."

According to Dreadfire, no expense was spared by Shafted Hamster International Technology on the making of the movie.

"This movie was filmed entirely in Crimmond," Dreadfire screamed. "YOU REALLY GET THAT CRIMMOND VIBE!"

Wombat News box office estimators believe that the film will make anywhere from AM$2,000 to AM$5,000 in its short run in 5 art-house cinemas.

"This is it," Dreadfire belched. "Damien Dreadfire is back. No prisoners will be taken, but all earplugs will be ... please, dear God, stop that bloody ringing in my ears!"

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – YOUR FRONT ROW SEAT IN THE CINEMA OF THE DERANGED

Wombat News: Iraqstani Führer endorses Guard Pig Plan
Um Lizaa; Wombat News

Iraqstani Führer Carlos Quil’Raya is reported to be very excited by an Iraqstani plan to train “guard pigs” for service on the Wall of Purity project in northern Um Lizaa, and is said to have offered considerable financial assistance and support.

According to a government spokeswoman, pigs have a much better sense of smell than dogs and are able to identify weapons from huge distances, and walk in the direction of unclean Um Lizaans, thereby pointing them out.

"We had initially considered kangaroos, which have a good sense of smell and can deliver a powerful kick, thus disarming an Um Lizaan," she said, "but we realised they would be able to jump over the security fences we're building, so we had to abandon that idea."

Government spokeswoman Nataliya Danashova went on to tell Wombat News that the Iraqstani government was very taken with the idea and were considering proposals for a joint development project with its allies to share information and to develop a genetically modified “smart pig” that not only had an even more acute sense of smell, but could also be equipped with night vision and trained in the martial arts and use of firearms. "And eventually we would want to be able to train them to fly," she said.

"That's the way of the future," she added, "to get people out of combat zones - except for mopping up operations - after the pigs have done their thing."

Upon learning of this proposal, Hubert Featherstonehaugh of Wombats for the Ethical Treatment of Swine told Wombat News that WETS was strongly opposed. "We know that some countries have been using dolphins for military purposes for a while," he said, "but training pigs as killers is going too far."

"At a minimum," he continued, "we insist that any pig that is sent into a combat zone be given adequate protective clothing, including a helmet, and be accorded full protection under the Geneva Convention if captured. None of that 'unlawful combatant' nonsense. And we demand that absolutely no pig be coerced into accepting a kamikaze mission."

"In the case of capture," he added, "we specifically demand guarantees that the pig would not be executed and eaten. While that might not be an issue in some countries where they are considered unclean, who is to say that battalions of pigs won't be deployed in other theatres where they are considered a delicacy?"

According to an unidentified Angband source, whilst Melkor Unchained is a peace-loving nation, it could not allow a killer pig gap to develop and will be starting its own smart pig programme immediately. Sources close to the Menelmacari defence industry have also informed Wombat News of a rapid Menelmacari response to the Melkor initiative with a request for a budget increase of $500bn to develop a space-based Strategic Pig Defence Initiative.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – BRINGING HOME THE BACON EVERY TIME

Wombat News: Um Lizaans Slyly Building Wall Around Iraqstan
Northern Um Lizaa; Wombat News

Iraqstan today continued to believe it was building a massive wall to seal off the northern parts of Um Lizaa instead of unwittingly footing the bill to construct the first stage of a nation-wide wall meant to seal off the entire country of Iraqstan from everyone else. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=137182&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=)

Since construction began Sunday, northern Um Lizaan leaders have continually condemned the barrier, statements that have successfully motivated Iraqstani Führer Carlos Quil’Raya to keep building it.

"Iraqstan should not unilaterally build a wall along its borders simply to keep northern Um Lizaans out," Northern League spokesman Moussa Kah said at a press conference yesterday. "We prefer negotiation over separation."

"How was that?" Kah then whispered to an aide.

"Great. They're still walling themselves in," the aide said.

Increasing the pressure, Kah added he hopes Iraqstan "will at least stop once they've built a wall, and will not add sensors, patrols, obstacles, trenches, remote turrets and mines."

In response, Iraqstani government spokeswoman Nataliya Danashova said the wall was "just the beginning. Soon we will have a full security zone, with sensors, patrols, obstacles, trenches, remote turrets and mines."

"This is too easy," Kah said later.

Kah also insisted that northern Um Lizaan leaders wanted to meet with Führer Quil’Raya next week to vehemently oppose construction of, say, a 100 metre high wall around the entire country. As a result, Führer Quil’Raya is expected to refuse the meeting and finish the wall by winter.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE CHINK OF REALITY IN THE WALL OF PURITY

Wombat News: New Awards Ceremony Announced
Wombat News

Hype and excitement are growing to almost Eurovision proportions following the announcement of the first annual Wombat News Political Awards. The awards ceremony, which will be held with all the glitz and glamour the Demagogue and Dictator pub can muster, will be fronted by Wombat News roving reporter and expert political writer Seamus O’Hack, a long-time contributor to Wombat News.

The winners of the prestigious awards, nicknamed "Wombies", will be decided by the editorial staff of Wombat News while on a drunken outing to the aforementioned public house in the next few weeks. Readers of Wombat News, of which there are at least one and a half, will also be able to vote on a special award for the Politician of the Year.

To make sure that voting is as fair and democratic as possible, Wombat News has hired two Iesus Christi election officials to oversee the process at great expense. Nominations for the Politician of the Year can be telegrammed to Wombat News*, along with your name, address, credit card details and the name of your pet dog if you so desire. Winners will be revealed in a few weeks' time. No purchase necessary, see yourself in the mirror for a shock.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – SERVING THE POLITICAL COMMUNITY SINCE WHENEVER

((WN, checked your tms? And I want to see the boardgame one here... that was funny.))

Wombat News: corruptfascistdictatorsreunited.com
Ruins of GDODAD; Wombat News

Being a corrupt fascist dictator is a lonely business. Of course you get to meet fellow fascist dictators at the occasional summit – when you’re allowed into the country hosting the summit. But most of the time it’s just you and your gang, sitting round counting your loot, ordering the next atrocity and keeping the local media in line. Where are the laughs in that?

Well, now fascist dictator-wannabes need worry no more thanks to a new web-site, corruptfascistsreunited.com (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=140559). Fascist leaders across the globe can hook up online to swap wacky stories about the lighter side of their dictatorial lives. They can chuckle at how they ignore their ‘stupid’ populations! Or maybe they can swap racist jokes about the pesky ‘foreigners’ they pretend to respect - but prefer to gun down with little or no warning! Whatever they choose to do, peaceniks everywhere should remember this: just because you’re a murdering fascist bastard - doesn't make you a bad person ...

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – YOUR WINDOW ON THE WORLD

Wombat News: Syskeyia to Host First I’m Not Gay Pride March
Syskeyiapolis; Wombat News

Syskeyiapolis will be the scene of the first annual I’m Not Gay Pride March, a unique opportunity for outed national leaders to “strut their straight stuff,” organisers of the march said today. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=3079864#3079864)

“Those taking part in the march want the world to know that there’s nothing wrong with being gay, as long as people don’t think that they’re gay,” a march spokesman said today.

Organisers expect a heavy turnout from national leaders claiming to have been wrongfully outed, including Syskeyia’s President and First Consul Benedict Michael Sukothai, Roania’s Duke Leopold and Eris Kallisti’s eponymous Empress.

The miffed national leaders have been practicing a variety of chants for weeks, including, “We’re here, we’re not queer, and if you say we are, we’ll sue you.”

For her part, Empress Eris plans to appear on a float surrounded by Playgirl centerfolds she either has dated or intends to date at some point in the future.

“The message of the float is pretty clear: Empress Eris dates men – a lot,” the spokesman said.

While march organisers are hopeful that the I’m Not Gay Pride March will become an annual event, most NationStates leaders are keeping their distance from the march for fear of alienating gay voters, best exemplified by a carefully worded statement released by Knootoss’ head of state, Lady Galadriël:

“While Lady Galadriël wishes all those marching in the I’m Not Gay Pride parade well, she strongly believes that not being gay is nothing to be proud of. Having said that, Lady Galadriël would like to add that she herself is not gay, even though she is not proud of not being gay.”

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – STRAIGHT UP, RIGHT ON NEWS RIGHT WHEN YOU WANT IT

Roan City, Wombat News

The United Nations' "GameCon" board gaming convention was once again plunged into controversy last night when ugly scenes erupted around the "Monopoly" board.

Organisers had hoped that the event's reputation would not be further tarnished following the 2002 Ur an Ass riot that ended in 143 arrests for public disorder offences when The Silver Turtle delegation deliberately knocked down the "Jenga" towers on Tor Yvresse's turn, and the small-arms fire that killed three delegates recently during a game of "Risk" between the Automagfreek and Western Might delegations. But it was not to be, as once more fighting broke out between rival players leaving 17 people requiring hospital treatment.

"I hope that the banning of the Roanian delegation from the remainder of the UN GameCon will send out a clear message that we will no longer tolerate such behaviour at this convention," said Shortan Stumpy of the Ma-tek Commission on Fair Play. "This convention is about building bridges toward peaceful relations and eating a lot of pizza and cannot be used to further spurious political ambitions".

The trouble began when the Roanian delegation, represented by iron miniatures of an Armoured Personnel Carrier and an Apache ground-attack helicopter, insisted on playing "by our rules". With little or no property actually belonging to them on the board, the Roanians began to erect houses anywhere they liked irrespective of who actually owned the estates beneath them, and tried to force the other players to remain strictly within the Old Kent Road and Euston property group unless they had a valid travel visa.

"They just kept repeating ‘Go to detention centre, go directly to detention centre, do not pass checkpoint, do not collect any food or clean water for 27 days’ over and over as soon as anyone began to question them," complained one delegate who did not want to be identified. "Even when we only had the poorest properties on the board the UN were powerless to stop them building their own houses on them and knocking ours down".

Further evidence was amassed from the scattered "Chance" and "Community Chest" cards picked up by crime scene officers after the fight had ended. Australian Marsupials Gaming Police Commissioner Chuck Dunny told Wombat News that the cards had been "significantly tampered with". Examples included: “You have been assessed for street repairs: we drove our tanks over your houses” and “It is your birthday. Collect the body of your dead son from the Holy Roanian Inquisition”. "Believe me,” said Dunny, “this time there are going to be some very tough new resolutions drawn up for those naughty people to completely ignore".

After converting the Electricity Company into an arms manufacturer and receiving millions of pounds worth of aid from the Corporate Coalition team playing "Game of Life" on the next table, the last straw came when the Roanians attempted to put houses on "Free Parking" to make sure they got all the money from fines the other players had to pay, whereupon heavy and protracted aerial punching began on both sides.

Organisers hope that the remainder of the convention will now be able to proceed without further incident, although concern has been expressed about tomorrow's "Cluedo" final between Menelmacar and Melkor Unchained as the Menelmacari delegation have already made it clear that they believe Dr. Black was murdered by Jay Reaven in the Orc Factory using the One Ring and intend assassinating him before the game has even begun.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE NEWS THAT SHOULD BE REPORTED

"We object most strenuously to these spurious lies. We won that property by default. They were wasting it. As for this lie that we were forcing them to remain within the Old Kent Road and Euston property group, they were perfectly free to leave at any time. Provided they had filled in sheets a-t, sections 1 to 22 of each, and filed them in the hotel we had built on Start." The Roanian delegates were quoted as saying today. "As for the claim that the cards had been altered in some way, just because we bought Parker Brothers prior to the game night, and commisioned a special set of cards, doesn't mean we cheated. And I want to know who spread the word that we were recieving aid from the CC team on the next table. They were paying us to replace their little annoying blue car-thing with a tank. By the way, we accept no responsibility for what they did with that tank."

The Roanians were believed to be referring to an incident in which the CC team used said tank to destroy the CACE car just before it won. Details at 8.

Wombat News: AM Post Office Introduces New Letterboxes

Wagga Wagga, Australian Marsupials; Wombat News

After a long period of research and development, the Australian Marsupials Post Office - AMPO - has unveiled a new, even faster postal service called Vorpal Mail which will enable letters to be transported anywhere in the universe in an instant, using a brand new network of letterboxes.

The new letterboxes, painted indigo, have had to be introduced because of the very different quantum nature of Vorpal Mail, the levels of gamma radiation involved and the potential fire hazard. The new letterboxes are a fraction of the size of the conventional red "curved space" models they will eventually replace, and take advantage of the very latest in quantum miniaturisation technology. They are fully compatible with NeutronMail packets up to 5 centimetres wide. Larger, conventional items may also be sent, but must be torn into smaller pieces before posting. Folding items, however, may lead to unexpected results including, but not exclusively limited to: damage to the letter, failure of letter delivery, letter returned to sender or the opening of a logic vortex that encloses the entire universe within the letter.

Other aspects of the new service are different to what we currently think of as conventional mail. The nature of first and second class, for instance. As is the case now, first class promises instant delivery but, as it is impossible to delay Vorpal Mail for any length of time, second class mail will now have a 70 percent chance of bursting into flames upon arrival, thereby successfully replicating the inherent inconvenience of the current second class service in a different way.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS - BRINGING YOU THE LATEST QUANTUM LEAP IN POSTAL TECHNOLOGY

Wombat News: Furious Satan gazumped on New Hell Development

Crimmond; Wombat News

The Devil put on an impressive display of satanic rage yesterday after losing out on a proposed New Hell development. Despite believing he had successfully concluded the multi-million pound deal, Satan found himself unexpectedly gazumped thanks to unscrupulous property developers and bent estate agents. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=145275)

"For the love of all that's Holy, how can they get away with shit like this in this day and age?" raged the Lord of the Inferno. Indeed, Satan had an offer accepted on the larger, more versatile New Hell in June, only to find that a higher offer had subsequently been accepted from another emissary of evil. In addition, when he read a copy of the lease, he found that the estate agents had been "creative" in their description of the extent of the property and infernal facilities therein.

"It's just plain wrong. Hell's supposed to be crowded, but it's getting ridiculous. You try finding a decent-sized property with a lake of fire at today's prices," lamented the cloven-hoofed fallen angel. "I've pissed a few grand up the wall in solicitor’s fees and valuations, and now I have to start again from scratch. They're just scum, the lot of them."

The Crimmond-based estate agents dealing with the Horned One's prospective property declined to comment, but offered instead bass-heavy incessant maniacal laughter.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – HOLDING HIGH THE CANDLE OF TRUTH

Wombat News: Nathicana and Alkanphel Announce Clown Baby

Devras, Dread Lady Nathicana; Wombat News

In a surprising development Devras couple, Nathicana and Alkanphel Smith announced that they are expecting a baby, which is in fact a clown.

"We didn't believe it at first, ourselves," said a shocked Alkanphel Smith. "After a lot of talk and comparison, we now believe our baby girl, Alkana jr., is a clown, like her mother."

Unlike the infamous death cult-linked company, Resi Corporation, that recently announced its own clown baby, but refused to provide proof, the Smith's agreed to produce their baby immediately after birth.

“We've nothing to hide," said Nathicana. "I’m expecting a baby. That baby is a clown baby." How does she know? Well, like all mothers-to-be in this dump of a city, she carried that baby for 9 months. "My ma says that the baby is acted up just like I did when she carried me - movin', kickin' and squirtin' custard. And it’s due out three weeks late just like me."

And if that isn't enough proof, most folks are apt to remark how much Alkana jr. looks like Nathicana on the ultrasounds scans. "Most say it's downright uncanny how much our unborn baby looks like me," commented Nathicana. "Most say it's the big feet or the red, frizzy hair. Some add that the baggy yellow pants are pretty much alike. And, of course, Alkanphel thinks the baby is the "spittin' image" of me. He even joked that maybe the baby isn't really his, that maybe some other guy, like Melkor, is the real father. We all laughed when he said that."

According to scientists, as much as features that look alike can suggest similarities, they are not enough in and of themselves to confirm that baby Alkana is a clown. More sophisticated tests are required. "We don't care about no tests," stated Alkanphel Smith, father of the clown baby. "It's enough for us that we know in our heart of hearts that this baby is definitely a clown baby."

The publicity surrounding this event has overwhelmed the Smiths. So much so that they are only taking calls from leading media personalities or well-known tabloids. "We have to draw the line somewhere," said Alkanphel Smith. "Most media won't pay for a story like this, but some will and that's who we want to hear from. We've got bills to pay."

In a related development, Melkor Unchained announced this week that he would be starting a babysitting and creche service in the Angband area. "I am am a very caring employer, and I want to be certain that my employees know and appreciate that Melkor Unchained stands by best practice in the workplace. I am especially keen to demonstrate my support for my warlords, and I know that I will have no problem with caring deeply for their children, and frankly, warping their pathetic little mortal minds and bending them to my will, and well, I'm also a little short of snacks right now," said Melkor.

Rumours of his snack-time woes have been circulating of late and this would seem to support those rumours. [i]"It's a temporary snack flow problem because of the munchies I’ve had with all those late nights dealing with those terrible elves’ plots against me, but really it's also an opportunity to do something I really enjoy," continued Melkor.

According to unidentified Melkor Unchained advisors cited, some late-night convenience stores are unwilling to continue to give him credit, and there seems to be considerable unease amongst his closest supporters at the choice of snack-food that he seems to prefer.

What he plans to charge for his babysitting services was not disclosed but Melkor said, when asked, "If it wasn't for this snack shortage thing, believe me, I'd wouldn’t have the damned kids anywhere near my Iron Throne, but they’re just so crunchy and tasty, and no-one will miss just one or two, will they?!"

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – BRINGING YOU THE LATEST FROM THE PRODUCTION LINE

Wombat News: Skeelzanians Build First Tortilla Spacecraft

Space Race is On!

Skeelzania; Wombat News

Skeelzania has announced that they have developed and will be testing their new line in affordable space craft shortly. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=3182876#3182876) The “Desmadre” is reportedly the first space craft of any kind to be made entirely out of tortilla and will be powered by pinto bean salsa.

Jaime Martinez, the first Skeelzanian astronaut, is to test the craft this Wednesday.

We asked him what he thought of the use of tortilla instead of modern materials. “Well, it’s cheap, it’s light, and it’s made out of tortilla, you know” said Martinez.

The craft is made solely out of tortillas and burritos. (http://s6.invisionfree.com/International_Mall/index.php?showtopic=404) The craft, which is 40 feet long and weighs only 60,000 pounds, is scheduled to take off at the Skeelzanian space headquarters this Wednesday at 9 am (GMT+2).

Wombat News will bring you live updates as they happen – especially on re-fry .. erm .. re-entry.

THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – YOUR EYE IN THE SKY

Ooooh!!! All the old threads are back!!!! Updates to the archive to follow!!

Hee hee!!

[post to be replaced - tagged for update purposes]

WN

A little Wombat Bump - just to celebrate the fact that we're back after a long hiatus, and on the prowl for more stories!

WN

A little Wombat Bump - just to celebrate the fact that we're back after a long hiatus, and on the prowl for more stories!

WN

And again, because this time we might ..

WN

:fluffle:

Holy shit... welcome back, WN.

A little Wombat Bump - just to celebrate the fact that we're back after a long hiatus, and on the prowl for more stories!

WN

Great! wb!

Will WN eventually get a sports section?