Whyzardia
18-03-2004, 21:06
"Hello and good evening, I am Donner Blitzen of the Whyzardia Information Network. Here is today's top story: The ruling Board of Directors released a statement today announcing that a bulldozer operator at the state's uranium strip mine has made a remarkable discovery, a living specimen of our national animal: the Golden Goose. We take you now live to Corporate Headquarters where Owat Adeal, the national Director of Marketing, is preparing to make a public statement:
The scene cuts away from the news studio to a view of CEO Whyzard's sumptuous office at corporate headquarters. The all too familiar figure of Owat Adeal stands behind a podium that has been erected in the middle of the room. Behind him CEO Whyzard sits petting a huge gold colored goose that calmly huddles in a large nest on his desk. As Adeal begins to speak the camera zooms in for a closeup of the goose and as he speaks continues to alternate back and forth between the golden bird and the Eqyptian born Marketing Director.
"I am pleased to announce that our national animal, the Golden Goose, is NOT extinct. John Henry, a bulldozer operator at the national uranium mining facility, came across the first documented example of this remarkable bird yesterday while clearing a swath of rain forest. Mr. Henry understandably did not want to part with his discovery but according to our long-standing government policy anything discovered on government property belongs to the government and must be turned over to us. Rest assured that Mr. Henry has been well compensated for his discovery and will begin enjoying his month of paid vacation and complmentary VIP suite at the national casino resort immediately."
As the camera pans over to the goose once again the viewers see that the CEO continues to stroke it lovingly, oblivious to the camera.
"As all our citizens know, the Golden Goose has been considered little more than a legend for the past one hundred years. It is said that our founder Isa Whyzard kept one of these remarkable beasts in his barn for many years, which formed the basis for his huge fortune, but most historians have scoffed at the idea and claimed that his money was actually made by smuggling moonshine to the other colonists. As Professor Sontag stated in his classic work Cowpies and Corruption "The idea of a bird that lays 24 carat gold eggs is in itself outlandish. It is obvious that old Isa amassed his fortune some other way." However, the Whyzard family has always staunchly denied that their apparently inexhaustable wealth came from moonshining and led the charge to have the bird declared our national animal."
"In keeping with the enormous import of this remarkable bird, the ruling Board of Directors has authorized the construction of a special preserve in the center of the capital that will include several acres of artificial rain forest, a large marble pool for the goose to swim in and a marble building styled after a greek temple in which to keep its nest. Construction will begin immediately and..."
At this point CEO Whyzard rushes around his desk and pushes Owat aside. He then begins to speak, though constantly turning around to look at the goose as if afraid someone will steal it while his back is turned.
"It will take some time to construct the temple...umm I mean compound for the goose. In the meantime she will be kept in the garden pool of my private estate, where the tight security will ensure that nothing happens to her. When the compound is ready she will be transported there to live out her life in peace as a living icon of Whyzardia's prosperity."
He then rushes back to his desk, picks up the goose and its nest and rushes from the room, clutching it to his chest as though terrified someone will snatch it away from him. The scene abruptly shifts back to the WIN news desk where the anchorman, caught off his guard, is talking on his cell phone. The audience catches the phrase "...told you never to call me here!" before he realizes he is back on the air and drops the phone. Turning back to the camera he instantly resumes his polished online persona:
"Coming up after this commercial break, we will bring you the rest of today's headlines. This is Donner Blitzen of the Whyzardia Information Network."
The scene cuts away from the news studio to a view of CEO Whyzard's sumptuous office at corporate headquarters. The all too familiar figure of Owat Adeal stands behind a podium that has been erected in the middle of the room. Behind him CEO Whyzard sits petting a huge gold colored goose that calmly huddles in a large nest on his desk. As Adeal begins to speak the camera zooms in for a closeup of the goose and as he speaks continues to alternate back and forth between the golden bird and the Eqyptian born Marketing Director.
"I am pleased to announce that our national animal, the Golden Goose, is NOT extinct. John Henry, a bulldozer operator at the national uranium mining facility, came across the first documented example of this remarkable bird yesterday while clearing a swath of rain forest. Mr. Henry understandably did not want to part with his discovery but according to our long-standing government policy anything discovered on government property belongs to the government and must be turned over to us. Rest assured that Mr. Henry has been well compensated for his discovery and will begin enjoying his month of paid vacation and complmentary VIP suite at the national casino resort immediately."
As the camera pans over to the goose once again the viewers see that the CEO continues to stroke it lovingly, oblivious to the camera.
"As all our citizens know, the Golden Goose has been considered little more than a legend for the past one hundred years. It is said that our founder Isa Whyzard kept one of these remarkable beasts in his barn for many years, which formed the basis for his huge fortune, but most historians have scoffed at the idea and claimed that his money was actually made by smuggling moonshine to the other colonists. As Professor Sontag stated in his classic work Cowpies and Corruption "The idea of a bird that lays 24 carat gold eggs is in itself outlandish. It is obvious that old Isa amassed his fortune some other way." However, the Whyzard family has always staunchly denied that their apparently inexhaustable wealth came from moonshining and led the charge to have the bird declared our national animal."
"In keeping with the enormous import of this remarkable bird, the ruling Board of Directors has authorized the construction of a special preserve in the center of the capital that will include several acres of artificial rain forest, a large marble pool for the goose to swim in and a marble building styled after a greek temple in which to keep its nest. Construction will begin immediately and..."
At this point CEO Whyzard rushes around his desk and pushes Owat aside. He then begins to speak, though constantly turning around to look at the goose as if afraid someone will steal it while his back is turned.
"It will take some time to construct the temple...umm I mean compound for the goose. In the meantime she will be kept in the garden pool of my private estate, where the tight security will ensure that nothing happens to her. When the compound is ready she will be transported there to live out her life in peace as a living icon of Whyzardia's prosperity."
He then rushes back to his desk, picks up the goose and its nest and rushes from the room, clutching it to his chest as though terrified someone will snatch it away from him. The scene abruptly shifts back to the WIN news desk where the anchorman, caught off his guard, is talking on his cell phone. The audience catches the phrase "...told you never to call me here!" before he realizes he is back on the air and drops the phone. Turning back to the camera he instantly resumes his polished online persona:
"Coming up after this commercial break, we will bring you the rest of today's headlines. This is Donner Blitzen of the Whyzardia Information Network."