Wombat News
10-03-2004, 15:57
Shocking New Health Research links Deaths and Illness to use of Nuclear Weapons
Wombat News
Mega Tau Defence Minister Gully Bell ordered the country's entire nuclear arsenal withdrawn from service today (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=55372&sid=ebc104cfec8d07e2873c4270f4500575) - and placed in large foam containers - in the light of worrying new evidence about the health risks posed by these “highly explosive” weapons.
Similar measures are being put in place by all the world's nuclear powers, with Russian Forces instigating a recall of many thousands of privately owned warheads from mafia gangs throughout the country. Rogue states such as Roania are said to be considering throwing all their warheads "into the sea" in order to reduce the possible risks.
Knootoss military planners, who spent the day frantically trying to play down safety fears, described the moves as "just routine precautions". In a news conference at Knootoss HQ earlier today, spokeswoman Wanda Quillem said: "Clearly we must all study the latest findings in full before we jump to any conclusions, but this is obviously very worrying."
The world defence crisis was triggered by evidence released this morning by a research team at New Bee that appears to link the use of nuclear weapons with increased mortality rates and a whole range of other illnesses.
The New Bish used new DNA techniques to link a number of cases of mortality and illnesses in their immediate area to a nuclear weapon used by a previous New Bish government. Dr Mumbo Jumbo, who led the team, said "We really weren't expecting to find anything like this. We had assumed that the high rate of mortality during this period was related to food poisoning from a diet of too many raw prawns. But the prawns hypothesis just couldn't explain the 98.5% death rate. It would be wrong of me to speculate, but at this early stage in our research it looks like nuclear weapons could be the vital key to this mystery.”
“Our research is still at an early stage, but it appears that any person standing in the vicinity of a nuclear weapon when it explodes at a temperature of 20 million degrees Fahrenheit could be very seriously injured, possibly even killed. It's a shocking discovery."
Meanwhile, on the world's stock-markets, defence shares went into free-fall as investors feared that this new health scare could open the flood-gates to claims for damages from numerous potential victims and their relatives.
Some experts have now begun to call for radical changes across the whole defence industry, to create a new breed of totally harmless weapons for the new Millennium. One diplomatic source told us that world leaders are already preparing a re-draft of the Geneva convention, in which soldiers will be required to "lie down and play dead" when hit by an opposing army's water pistols, which are now likely to be introduced as the completely safe non-nuclear alternative.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE PURVEYOR OF THE HEALTHIEST NEWS ON NATIONSTATES
Wombat News
Mega Tau Defence Minister Gully Bell ordered the country's entire nuclear arsenal withdrawn from service today (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=55372&sid=ebc104cfec8d07e2873c4270f4500575) - and placed in large foam containers - in the light of worrying new evidence about the health risks posed by these “highly explosive” weapons.
Similar measures are being put in place by all the world's nuclear powers, with Russian Forces instigating a recall of many thousands of privately owned warheads from mafia gangs throughout the country. Rogue states such as Roania are said to be considering throwing all their warheads "into the sea" in order to reduce the possible risks.
Knootoss military planners, who spent the day frantically trying to play down safety fears, described the moves as "just routine precautions". In a news conference at Knootoss HQ earlier today, spokeswoman Wanda Quillem said: "Clearly we must all study the latest findings in full before we jump to any conclusions, but this is obviously very worrying."
The world defence crisis was triggered by evidence released this morning by a research team at New Bee that appears to link the use of nuclear weapons with increased mortality rates and a whole range of other illnesses.
The New Bish used new DNA techniques to link a number of cases of mortality and illnesses in their immediate area to a nuclear weapon used by a previous New Bish government. Dr Mumbo Jumbo, who led the team, said "We really weren't expecting to find anything like this. We had assumed that the high rate of mortality during this period was related to food poisoning from a diet of too many raw prawns. But the prawns hypothesis just couldn't explain the 98.5% death rate. It would be wrong of me to speculate, but at this early stage in our research it looks like nuclear weapons could be the vital key to this mystery.”
“Our research is still at an early stage, but it appears that any person standing in the vicinity of a nuclear weapon when it explodes at a temperature of 20 million degrees Fahrenheit could be very seriously injured, possibly even killed. It's a shocking discovery."
Meanwhile, on the world's stock-markets, defence shares went into free-fall as investors feared that this new health scare could open the flood-gates to claims for damages from numerous potential victims and their relatives.
Some experts have now begun to call for radical changes across the whole defence industry, to create a new breed of totally harmless weapons for the new Millennium. One diplomatic source told us that world leaders are already preparing a re-draft of the Geneva convention, in which soldiers will be required to "lie down and play dead" when hit by an opposing army's water pistols, which are now likely to be introduced as the completely safe non-nuclear alternative.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE PURVEYOR OF THE HEALTHIEST NEWS ON NATIONSTATES