HPSauce
28-02-2004, 17:12
THE HPSAUCE HERALD
Transcendance Possible Says Goat
Medical staff at HPSauce Central Hospital and Institute for Saucological Research were very surprised to find that one of their patients had ascended to a higher plane of existance last night.
"Its bloody shocking thats what it is!" said one disgruntled doctor, "He didn't sign himself out, and he isn't dead so we can't do it. Now we are legally bound to keep that bed for his use. And there are better things we could be doing with it! Next week is the annual Hospital Bed Race and we're one vehicle short! The bastard."
The transcendee, one Arnold Plum (44) has apparently transformed into some form of spirit-goat. He had the following to say in interview:
"Its great being a higher being! I can fly, see everything in the universe at once, and you'd never guess what God looks like. Beard and sandals? Waaay off."
Mr. Plums amazing story has inspired many in the capital and beyond to attempt transcendance for themselves, though apparently with little success so far.
"I've been straining for 45 hours now, but it just makes me look constipated," said one unsuccesful ascendant-wannabe.
The HPSaucian Science Commission has released a statement saying that this transcendance business in nonsense. Stating that science is the only true way to understand the universe, though if anyone knows the best way to strain, they should definatley contact them.
"Alien Stole my Baby!" says Goat
Alien abductions appear to be once again on the rise in HPSauce. Last night in Capital City Central Park, a young woman (76) (and thus not in fact a goat -Ed) was apparently heard to cry "Dear Sweet Zombie Jesus, those goddam aliens have taken my baby. K-Chunk. K-Chunk." Some helpful teens who happened to be in the area report finding her surrounded by 46 beagles, all of which were swimming in her shoes. The police response has currently been to arrest every Welshman in a 5 block radius of the park.
Letters to the Editor
Dear Sir,
I am writing to you in response to last weeks article, "10 Reasons why Tables Suck." I was deeply offended by this frankly libellous article, and have as a result cancelled my subscription to your fine Bird Cage liner.
Yours truly, Mr. Edward Mensa, President of the HPSaucian Table Appreciation Society.
Your objection has been noted but tabled (Dear Sweet God, please stop the puns -Ed) until a later date. -Ed
Dear Sir,
The HPSauce Herald is currently looking for young dynamic writers to do articles to thicken the sheets as it were. Any news is welcome, international, local, whatever. Just so long as it is well written and interesting. Any articles you wish to supply should be telegrammed to the HPSaucian Journalistic bureau (or indeed just wire it normally).
Why is this in the Letters to the Editor section? -Puzzled Ed
Transcendance Possible Says Goat
Medical staff at HPSauce Central Hospital and Institute for Saucological Research were very surprised to find that one of their patients had ascended to a higher plane of existance last night.
"Its bloody shocking thats what it is!" said one disgruntled doctor, "He didn't sign himself out, and he isn't dead so we can't do it. Now we are legally bound to keep that bed for his use. And there are better things we could be doing with it! Next week is the annual Hospital Bed Race and we're one vehicle short! The bastard."
The transcendee, one Arnold Plum (44) has apparently transformed into some form of spirit-goat. He had the following to say in interview:
"Its great being a higher being! I can fly, see everything in the universe at once, and you'd never guess what God looks like. Beard and sandals? Waaay off."
Mr. Plums amazing story has inspired many in the capital and beyond to attempt transcendance for themselves, though apparently with little success so far.
"I've been straining for 45 hours now, but it just makes me look constipated," said one unsuccesful ascendant-wannabe.
The HPSaucian Science Commission has released a statement saying that this transcendance business in nonsense. Stating that science is the only true way to understand the universe, though if anyone knows the best way to strain, they should definatley contact them.
"Alien Stole my Baby!" says Goat
Alien abductions appear to be once again on the rise in HPSauce. Last night in Capital City Central Park, a young woman (76) (and thus not in fact a goat -Ed) was apparently heard to cry "Dear Sweet Zombie Jesus, those goddam aliens have taken my baby. K-Chunk. K-Chunk." Some helpful teens who happened to be in the area report finding her surrounded by 46 beagles, all of which were swimming in her shoes. The police response has currently been to arrest every Welshman in a 5 block radius of the park.
Letters to the Editor
Dear Sir,
I am writing to you in response to last weeks article, "10 Reasons why Tables Suck." I was deeply offended by this frankly libellous article, and have as a result cancelled my subscription to your fine Bird Cage liner.
Yours truly, Mr. Edward Mensa, President of the HPSaucian Table Appreciation Society.
Your objection has been noted but tabled (Dear Sweet God, please stop the puns -Ed) until a later date. -Ed
Dear Sir,
The HPSauce Herald is currently looking for young dynamic writers to do articles to thicken the sheets as it were. Any news is welcome, international, local, whatever. Just so long as it is well written and interesting. Any articles you wish to supply should be telegrammed to the HPSaucian Journalistic bureau (or indeed just wire it normally).
Why is this in the Letters to the Editor section? -Puzzled Ed