Wombat News
24-02-2004, 11:48
ToYut; Wombat News
Home computer giant Angelus may have finally overcome the problem of the gadgets quickly becoming outdated with its new computer model, the Archailect "Antiquata". (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=125814)
Computers have always been notorious for their inability to keep up with the breakneck pace of technology, growing obsolete seemingly before being taken out of the box. But if we’re to believe Angelus president Saturnine Archai, those days may very well be soon behind us.
In an exclusive press conference held yesterday, Archai unveiled the new computer, but not before giving a brief preview.
"Over the years, I’ve seen too many friends, co-workers, and relatives purchase a shiny new computer, only to grow frustrated and psychotic after discovering it wouldn't run half of the programmes they wanted it to simply because it was a few months old," explained Archai. "After seeing my brother hurl his six month-old system at his wife, screaming obscenities, I decided to do something about this situation."
With a flash of smoke, a curtain was lifted, revealing the Antiquata in all its boxy glory. In the ensuing applause and fanfare, Archai explained the machine’s abilities.
"You see, my friends, the Antiquata’s secret is this: it’s completely and utterly outdated the second you open it. In fact, it comes that way. You don’t have to worry about keeping up with the times, because with this computer, you’ll already be far, far behind them."
Chuckling, the computer guru raised his hands in mock defence.
"I know, I know, you’re wondering how I can make such a bold claim. Well, it just so happens that I’ve got the specs to back it up. First of all, the Antiquata’s outer casing is made entirely of wood - none of that ‘plastic’ or ‘metal’ stuff here! But the insides are even better. A 3 kilohertz processor, 32 kilobytes of RAM, and a 512 kilobyte hard drive ensure that you’ll be going nowhere fast. In fact, bugger the fast part - you’ll be going just plain nowhere!"
Impressively, Archai rattled off even more stunning features.
"The Antiquata is not able to connect to a printer, speakers, or any other sort of external device. Tired of your kids talking about newfangled ‘compact discs’? Good, because the Antiquata can’t play them! Or floppy disks."
When asked about the Antiquata’s ability to run Windoze, Archai burst out in loud guffaws.
"Windoze? Holy f@&k, I think not. You’ll be lucky to even turn this thing on. Which reminds me, the Antiquata is so outdated, it may explode if you bump it, attempt to use it, or talk loudly around it, resulting in injury, and in some cases, death! Folks, I ask you: does it get any more obsolete than this?"
While the Antiquata sounds impressive, companies like Zero-One are already following suit.
"Sucks to the Antiquata," snorted 0-1 vice president Shoddy Worker. "Our new system is so outdated, it actually has the ability to downgrade any other computers you might own."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE CUTTING EDGE OF PRE-OBSOLESCENT TECHNOLOGY
Home computer giant Angelus may have finally overcome the problem of the gadgets quickly becoming outdated with its new computer model, the Archailect "Antiquata". (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=125814)
Computers have always been notorious for their inability to keep up with the breakneck pace of technology, growing obsolete seemingly before being taken out of the box. But if we’re to believe Angelus president Saturnine Archai, those days may very well be soon behind us.
In an exclusive press conference held yesterday, Archai unveiled the new computer, but not before giving a brief preview.
"Over the years, I’ve seen too many friends, co-workers, and relatives purchase a shiny new computer, only to grow frustrated and psychotic after discovering it wouldn't run half of the programmes they wanted it to simply because it was a few months old," explained Archai. "After seeing my brother hurl his six month-old system at his wife, screaming obscenities, I decided to do something about this situation."
With a flash of smoke, a curtain was lifted, revealing the Antiquata in all its boxy glory. In the ensuing applause and fanfare, Archai explained the machine’s abilities.
"You see, my friends, the Antiquata’s secret is this: it’s completely and utterly outdated the second you open it. In fact, it comes that way. You don’t have to worry about keeping up with the times, because with this computer, you’ll already be far, far behind them."
Chuckling, the computer guru raised his hands in mock defence.
"I know, I know, you’re wondering how I can make such a bold claim. Well, it just so happens that I’ve got the specs to back it up. First of all, the Antiquata’s outer casing is made entirely of wood - none of that ‘plastic’ or ‘metal’ stuff here! But the insides are even better. A 3 kilohertz processor, 32 kilobytes of RAM, and a 512 kilobyte hard drive ensure that you’ll be going nowhere fast. In fact, bugger the fast part - you’ll be going just plain nowhere!"
Impressively, Archai rattled off even more stunning features.
"The Antiquata is not able to connect to a printer, speakers, or any other sort of external device. Tired of your kids talking about newfangled ‘compact discs’? Good, because the Antiquata can’t play them! Or floppy disks."
When asked about the Antiquata’s ability to run Windoze, Archai burst out in loud guffaws.
"Windoze? Holy f@&k, I think not. You’ll be lucky to even turn this thing on. Which reminds me, the Antiquata is so outdated, it may explode if you bump it, attempt to use it, or talk loudly around it, resulting in injury, and in some cases, death! Folks, I ask you: does it get any more obsolete than this?"
While the Antiquata sounds impressive, companies like Zero-One are already following suit.
"Sucks to the Antiquata," snorted 0-1 vice president Shoddy Worker. "Our new system is so outdated, it actually has the ability to downgrade any other computers you might own."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE CUTTING EDGE OF PRE-OBSOLESCENT TECHNOLOGY