NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC: As is stated, this is a non-serious RP and has NO bearing on your nation at all, but uses your existing space forces. Consider some poor sap's soon to be insanly twisted dream.

IC:

CSS Broadsword
Task Force Renegade
Patrolling 25 lightyears from Sol

The comm officer sighed. "Traffic's gettin' worse as we get closer. I can't believe how much crap comes and goes out of that solar system. Even this far out we're getting traffic control systems yelling at us to get into the shipping lanes."

"Yeah, but we get some good pirate raids this close to the cesspool." came the response from weapons.(OOC: No, I don't name my crews. Only the captians and ships)

"True, but I still don't like getting this close." Captian Pazlov grumbled. "The Imperial nets can pick us up at this range. They know we're still out-" He stopped as the science officer yelped and pointed at his screen. "Report!"

"S-sir! There's a big ass ship coming in. No lifesigns, but cube shaped. Energy readings match that of Borg technology."

"Crap. Onscreen. What the hell?!"

The ship that appeared was indeed a large cube. But was divided into nine multicolored sections on each side. The Borg were attacking with the most dreaded of ships. "It's a Rubik's Class Cube!"

The helm officer grinned. "Solution is Futile."

OOC: I need a volunteer to be the Borg. And whatever else you want to throw at Sol. :twisted:

*Tag, because 'Solution is Futile' is great*

-Video feed starts, a large tree like being is portrayed sitting upon a bed of soil it began to quiver and a strange electronic voice began to speak- "We are the Huorn, surrender yourselves to the grand oak empire or be swallowed by the roots of our regime." -Video feed ends-

----

Suddenly a large, acorn shaped, space craft appeared...its intent as of yet completely unknown.

OOC:

It was either the Huorn or the Nub-nubs

"Aw s***!" the helm officer yelled. "Hey! Who let the ***** *********ing censors onboard?!"

"Shut up. Scan that ship!" Pazlov said from his command chair.

"Acorn shaped. Similar configuration to another species, the squirell like Nub-nubs. They were wiped out by an unknown race supposedly taking revenge."

"Forget this. Let them have Earth! Get us the hell out of here!"

The ship jumped to hyperspace and was gone, leaving the sol system to fight alone. If you can call the Sol system alone.

-------------------------

There waiting just inside the Oort cloud though....

The CSS Doomslayer. The largest class of ship in the Imperial fleet. Literally thousands of weapons on it's surface. Mostly short range, but with medium range capabilities.

Fleet Admiral Munro looked at the screen. "Rubick's Cubes? Giant acorns? What's next? The Oddessy from that 2001 film?"

OOC: *Hits "Play"* Dong dong dong dong dong, dong dong..... (The 2001 theme). :lol:

Suddenly a strange purple light shimmers in the depths of space. From it comes a ship (if you can call it a ship) that seems to have been constructed of scrap metal. From the looks of it, it shouldn't even have been air tight. Yet it advances steadily toward Earth....
http://mysmilies.ipbfree.com/s/contrib/icw/007.gif: the captain.

OOC: Anyone remember the nimball?

Fleet Admiral Munro looked at the screen. "Rubick's Cubes? Giant acorns? What's next? The Oddessy from that 2001 film?"

I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave...

OOC: Okay... we have our threats. The Borg, the pissed off trees and whatever the hell the other is.

I guess I'll play the borg.

IC: The Cube stopped it's aproach towards Sol and scanned the nearby ships, "We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. We will add your biological, technological and puzzle making uniqueness to our own. From now on, you will service us, making new weapons to befuddle enemies. Resistance isn't really futile, but hey, it's a motto."

She felt it within her bedchamber, even as she sleeped, even as the blankets were pulled taut over her curvaceous figure. She saw it rise high in the sky like a giant D6, perhaps one with a +59,052/+59,052 bonus against Helpless Terrestrial Planets. The only difference was that this thing wasn't playing games.

Oh, wait. It was a Rubick's cube. Indeed it was playing games.

With a sigh, Queen Bludlust Bytemare sat up and pulled herself from her bed, stretching and yawning loudly. With a quick snap of her fingers, her naked figure was covered by a deep crimson bathrobe--a sign of her tremendous, mind-shattering, angsty-teenager-appealing-to power. It was a bathrobe forged by the Dark Lord Himself, woven from the spider's silk of Hell, pressed in the deepest bowels of The Abyss, packaged in the darkest recesses of the River Styx, marketed and sold in the blackest, darkest, most vile and repugnant corner of Wal-Mart.

"I suppose I should save this miserable rock... again..." she muttered. "But how?"

With another snap of her fingers, a day planner appeared in her hand. This wasn't a particularly evil day planner; it was just a day planner. She had drawn a picture of a pentagram on the front that she thought was rather spiffy, but otherwise, nothing evil. Her long, painted fingernails flipped through the planners, through days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, millenia, and whatever comes after millenia.

"Well, damn," she sighed. "Looks like I can't go up there and bust some heads and drink some blood personally. Lousy manicurist appointment..." She looked over her fingernails. "But surely someone must be able to..."

"You called, Highness?"

Queen Bludlust whipped around with a start. The window to her chamber had been opened, and a cool breeze blew in. Against the backdrop of the perpetually overcast, perpetually midnight sky, she stood, five feet tall, slim and more than adequately curved beneath her black leather jumpsuit. A satchel at her side was filled with the tools of the trade, and her long auburn hair hung straight at the sides of her face.

http://havak.db-forge.com/portraits/bitmaps/dcf138L.bmp

Queen Bludlust held her hand to her chest, breathing heavily. "Beelzebub, Sneeki-Sneeki... don't scare me like that."

Sneeki-Sneeki Bytemare, kin to Her Majesty the Queen, smiled smugly as she kowtowed. "What do you require, My Queen?" she asked, her voice quiet, nearly a whisper. The Queen regained her composure, then spoke slowly.

"I am certain you have felt it, Super Stealthy Sexy Vampire Cyborg Assassin Covert Op Ninja Sneeki-Sneeki Bytemare," the Queen began. "A presence in the sky, vast, colourfully arrayed, perfectly cubic." The Queen turned around... only to find Sneeki-Sneeki waiting for her behind her. She let out a quick gasp, then continued. "Now, all of the nations of the world are going to try to combat this with brute force, the so-called 'steel penises' we read often about in our history books."

Sneeki-Sneeki nodded slowly. "But we have no such ferrous phallus, Highness," she pointed out. "How can we involve ourselves in such a war upon which the future of our very planet hangs like a dry piece of flesh from a fang?" Queen Bludlust smiles a bit, turning around once again... once again finding Sneeki-Sneeki exactly in front of her.

"You're making it remarkably difficult to pace dramatically, you know," the Queen snapped. Without even a second glance, Sneeki-Sneeki was seated on a nearby wooden chair--a chair that, moments earlier, had not been in the room. The Queen tried to ponder the incident, but instead continued.

"As I was saying, cousin, while we lack the ability to flaunt our megalomaniacal phallic might before the world, we do have... other assets," she said.

"Our heaving chests?" the assassin answered quickly. The Queen shook her head. "The attention of vampire fanboys the world over?" Another shaking of the head. "An unquenchable desire for blood? A pending class-action lawsuit against White Wolf Publishing Inc.? Some sort of voodoo doll shaped like a Rubick's cube?"

"We have an assassin," the Queen interrupted. "We have... Sneeki-Sneeki Bytemare, the world's most fearsome, sneaky, sexy, and all-around kickass ninja assassin covert ops stealth... vampire... thing." The Queen stood over Sneeki-Sneeki with a small smile. "In a world of bit players, you, cousin, are our powergamer... our twinked-out edge."

Sneeki-Sneeki smiled broadly. "I'll be on the moon within the hour."

Standing up from the bed, Sneeki-Sneeki began fumbling around in her satchel. She pulled out first wire clippers, X-ray goggles, smoke bombs, cigarettes, a pear, a dozen eggs, a crate of magazines, the Taj Mahal... and, at last, a grappling hook. Sneeki-Sneeki walked to the window and turned back, placing one hand on her hip and raising the grappling hook to her chest. With one final sexy flip of the hair, she turned back to the Queen.

"I will not fail, Highness."

Then, with a quick depression of the trigger, Sneeki-Sneeki was airborne, her grappling hook already firmly rooted into the side of the moon. She would be there shortly.

The Rubik's class cube powered closer, "We have no use for you. Prepare to face oblivion. All Red squares point towards the enemy." The Cube began to shift and change as it complied with the order. Soon, two Red squares were on the right side, then three, then one cause the other two got shunted off, then three again, then four, then two, then one, then one again. Then they stopped.

-Inside the Cube-

"What the hell is going on here? Can't we work this damn thing?"
"It is WINME's fault. Hw refuses to acede to my superior direction."
"No. MACOSX is at fault. He told me to follow a plan of action that was obviously inadequate."
"Can't you just get the red squares pointing at the little bastards?"
"You are the one who changed it from the factory default in the first place. If we had just left it as it was this never would have happened. You are inadequate."
"Inadequate am I? Inadequate this!"

"Its all OK" said XXXXXXXIIIIIIIII as his sub routine kicked in
"Ill just squeeze out the survice hatch and peel off all the red stickers and put um on one side of the cube..... just be thankful we arnt flying one of those RUBIX MAGIC class fighters then we would be in trouble"
and with that XXXXXXXIIIIIIIII slipped out.

OOC: *Can barely stop laughing to post!*


*From the nearby nebulae, a small, menacing, battleaxe-shaped cruser approaches.. inside, the "steel penises" that the Queen had mentioned toss large boulders to each other..*

"I dennae knew why yew choose tae wear de shert kilt, minne friend!" The Captain of the only ship that the small country of Eldroor can afford yells at the top of his lungs to his young leutenant

"I kinnda like it! Et fits me style!"

"Well, yer kilt whooses up whenevar we reach hyper-space!"

*The leutenant shrugs, and they spot the borg ship that they had been chasing, a large cube... red.. hmm..* "Its de bloody Brog!"

"No, Captain! The BORG!"

The captain throws a rock at the leutenant "Thats what eh said! Lets shoot at et!"

The cruser fires three anti-ship missles, long range thermonuclear bombs, produced at Eldroor's only nuclear production site...

OOC:Borg can react however they want to. This oughta be fun :)

the imperial empire of coneheads demands that the bluntskulls leave space immediatly and leave it to your sharp headed masters!

*The coneheads appear on thier ancient intercom* "Bah! We dew what we like! Or else! I denna know if ye know if ye know who ya are messin with, but yew denna wanna know!" The captain yells..

"Captain! The radio wasnt on! Can you repeat that sir?!" *The radioman reports

"Aw feck! Fine!" Sighs, trying to remember.. oh yeah.. "Bah! We dew what we like! Or else! I denna know if ye know if ye know who ya are messin with, but yew denna wanna know!"

Adrift as usual, the lone Pakled ship sends out this signal.

"Our ship doesn't go. Can you make it go? We are not smart!"

THE BLUNTSKULLS WILL BURN IN THE FIRES OF CONE!

The captain looks at the leutenant in confusion "Wha was that? I denna think I can ear im. I think 'e said at we will burn in the fires of cone! Well than! We'll jus hav tae shoe em! Tri-angulate der signal and give em a fire-y arrew!"

Three recievers, all of them archaic, aim towards the source of the signal.. in a few minutes (slow computers) the source of the signal is found, and two thermonuclear (approx. 20 M-ton) missles swoosh out of the starboard side of the ship, flying towards the source of the radiosignal of the cone heads

you blunt idiot!

"Feck yew! Weh do what we want!"

Looks to the naviagator

"How long till we het em??"

"Well.. about two days, three hours, and a few minutes, sir"

"Eh can wait!"

the captain crosses his big, burly arms, inhumanly large

"We denna want any of dem lasers! Dey take tew much energi! Give me engineering!"

"...Enginnerin!" The com calls back

"We must go faster!"

"I cannae give her mehr power, sir! She just won take it!"

Double post.

OOC: LMAO Slutbum, but I'm playing the Borg. :wink: I can barely stop laughing long enoughj to post. This is gonna go down in history. Hopefully in a good way...

IC: The Rubik's Cube begins to shift, rotating and contorting wildly until it has one solid color facing the incoming nuclear warheads, which cause rather little damage. "You cannot stop the power of this cube. There is only one creature that can stop the Borg. Captian Pickhard of the Enterforaprize and he is across the galaxy with the Klingoffs."

The Pakled ship is targeted and three tons of industrial strength laxative is beamed aboard. "This will help make you go."

---------------------

Aboard the Cube:

8 of 17: The Queen is malfunctioning. She isn't acting as she should. I mean, come on... laxative? That's a bad joke.
3 of 12: I concur.
9 of 4: What did you two say?
3 of 12: Uh.... *face atachment falls off due to bad glue*
10 of 10: Assimilate them!

A Dukes of Hazard style chase ensues... ending with a borgified shuttle busting out of the cube and jumping over a stray comet, freezing in mid-jump. "Looks like those boys are at it again..." They then complete the jump, shouting on the radio in a dialect technically classified as 'Red-Neck'.

Meanwhile in orbit of Mars aboard the Aumanii flagship, Lords Light:

"...I really think he made good of himself in The Butterfly effect" said second officer Oliver. "Yeah, but I just cant get passed it...I mean, he was Kelso for god sake." replied Captain Kilent, sighing Oliver objected "You cant base an actors entire career off of one damn television show Captain!" Kilent rolled his eyes "all I know is he's an idiot..." the captains speech was interrupted by a panicked radio officer "Lord! A Huorn assault ship, a giant sentient Rubix cube and a Borg vessel have been spotted in orbit of Earth! what shall we do?!" Captain Kilent looked at the radio man sharply, a look of disgust plain on his face "For god sake man! we're having a conversation here!" the radio-operator persisted "But sir..." Kilent pointed a finger at him "Damn it specialist! I wont hear anymore of it, please wait your turn." with that Kilent crossed his legs and calmly went back to his conversation "...so yeah, all I gotta say is Ashton Kutchers career was made on him acting like an idiot, thats all I remember him for, thats all anyone will!" Oliver waved his hands above his head in surrender and spoke "Ok whatever...all I think is that he shouldn't be judged for a single role. Acting is an artform and..." the conversation went on for some fourty five minutes and Aumanii high command never got word of the disturbance.

--------

-Transmission begins- "We are the Huorn, fear our wrath!"-End transmission- At the end of the communication the Huorn vessel powered its main cannon and fired at the Borg ship. A scything blue flame cutting through the hull with the ease of a hot knife through butter, the might of the Huorn was indomitable and none had moved to stop them. The conquest of Earth had begun, and all who bore witness to the fury of the Huorn would quail in their presence.

OOC: The Rubik's Cube is the Borg...

IC: One section of one side of the cube went black. "Resistance may be slightly difficult." The cube returned frire with high yeild torpedos, before firing on the surface. First target... the Pacifics. "The Breeder regions are irrelevent. They are not part of the master plan."

The captain watches as the borg ship plans a bombardment of the earth, and notices that they were in orbit of the pacific..

"Whew cares abewt de bloodi Asians? Eh don! Le's help em! Bombadier! Giv dose glubbery-dolts a firiy un!"

"But sir! Those are our own race!"

"Well feck dem! I don' like em! They make rice! Eh hate rice! Load tubes 1-4 and fire em!"

The missles are launched, and are quickly dispatched by various country's SDI systems.

"Damn! Weh need sum lasers!"

The Vaxintorian Warship (for that is what the patched together vehicle was) continued its advance....
Suddenly, a flickering image appeared in the control center of each ship.
http://cmw.dailymoviereviews.com/games/diablo/SNAKE5.GIF
"The D'zukaru have spoken! It is time- (static) -conquest! Surrender immediately- (static) -spare your lives!!"

Fleet Admiral Munro looked at the screen. "Rubick's Cubes? Giant acorns? What's next? The Oddessy from that 2001 film?"

I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave...

Daisy, Daisy, Give me your answer doooooo....

"I dont know I like him...he's a good guy" answered Kilent submissively "But sir! c'mon! he ate dog shit!" blurted Oliver, Kilent rolled his eyes "You dont understand then! he only did it to save Pie F***ers wedding ring...not to mention he was keeping the old lady from eating it. Stiffler really made good in that movie." the radio operator, Ullo was his name had stood by the command throne for about an hour and a half now and this was getting ridiculous "God Damn it! Earth is under attack!" he bellowed. Kilent looked annoyed "Yeah fine, what ever Ullo, deploy the fleet...if it'll make you shut up. Anyway, where were we Oliver?"

--------

An Aumanii Battlegroup some 25 vessels strong burst into reality just inside weapons range of the enemy invaders...firing missile, cannon and torpedo towards the cube and Huorn alike.

"Mommy, look at the fireworks!" Stacy declared, pointing her pudgy finger at the sky, where the inferno raged on the horizon.

"That's nice honey."

"Mommy! It's REAL BIG!"

"Yes, it is-" BOOM! The explosion shook the room, and the mother lowered her tax books and stepped outside, shaking her fist in the angry mother way and screaming up at the ships, "Stop that racket or there'll be no supper! I don't know why I put up with you!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Across the country, alarms rang, and orders were passed down. But the missile silo's were not responding. In silo Number 351, it was quite clear why...

"Yeeha!" Sgt. Griggs declared, swinging the cursor around, shooting up the room in his computer game.

"Fire in the hole!" Cpr. Ayen stated from the other computer as his character threw a flashbang into the next room. "Those fuckers in Silo 352 aren't gonna win this time!"

There was virtual gunfire, and a computerized voice delcared, "Counter-Terrorists win."

Griggs turned to Ayen, "Yeah, Counter Strike is the shit! I told you to camp with the AWP!"

"Hell, yeah. I just wish they'd stop it with the damn auto-shotgun. I saw both people from 352 running around, clicking away with that damn noob stick." Ayen closed out Counter Strike, to see AIM blinking furiously. "Hey, someone IM'd us, like seventeen times!"

Norad Command 16: Fire the missiles!
Auto Response from Silo 351: I am playing a game that takes up the whole screen.
Norad Command 16: FIRE NOW, SOLDIER!
Norad Command 16: DAMNIT! QUIT PLAYING COUNTERSTRIKE! WE NEED A FIRST STRIKE!
Norad Command 16: FIRE THE GODDAMN MISSILES!
Norad Command 16: FINE! WE'LL USE A SLINGSHOT!
Norad Command 16 has given you a warning.
Norad Command 16: d4mn j00.
Norad Command 16 has logged off.

"Well, shit."

OOC: LMAO Slutbum, but I'm playing the Borg. :wink: I can barely stop laughing long enoughj to post. This is gonna go down in history. Hopefully in a good way...

IC: The Rubik's Cube begins to shift, rotating and contorting wildly until it has one solid color facing the incoming nuclear warheads, which cause rather little damage. "You cannot stop the power of this cube. There is only one creature that can stop the Borg. Captian Pickhard of the Enterforaprize and he is across the galaxy with the Klingoffs."

The Pakled ship is targeted and three tons of industrial strength laxative is beamed aboard. "This will help make you go."

---------------------

Aboard the Cube:

8 of 17: The Queen is malfunctioning. She isn't acting as she should. I mean, come on... laxative? That's a bad joke.
3 of 12: I concur.
9 of 4: What did you two say?
3 of 12: Uh.... *face atachment falls off due to bad glue*
10 of 10: Assimilate them!

A Dukes of Hazard style chase ensues... ending with a borgified shuttle busting out of the cube and jumping over a stray comet, freezing in mid-jump. "Looks like those boys are at it again..." They then complete the jump, shouting on the radio in a dialect technically classified as 'Red-Neck'.

The Pakleds, being the wise folk that they are, gorged themselves on the laxatives. A while later, the bathrooms aboard the ship were, quite literally, clogged up. So much so that a thick ooze soon coated some sections of the ship while the odor was quite nasty.

After such an episode, clean-up operations began, resulting in tons of the ooze being ejected at regular intervals. This didn't exactly help make the ship go, but one part of space will be quite stinky for a while.

Still adrift, the message was sent out again.

"Our ship doesn't go. Please help us make it go. Send us an engineer. We like engineers."

(OOC: Ugh... this is getting kind of gross...)

Sneeki-Sneeki zipped through the sky on the wings of her grappling hook, the earth falling faster and faster behind her. Her eyes narrowed as they scanned the sky, as more vessels approached and sent out idle threats. Many of them were aliens of varying natures, as if the gods themselves had perused the galaxy via Google, the Cosmic Search Engine, in search of "kick-ass aliens," then sent towards Earth the first things they could find.

The gods must be crazy... or at least hyped up on Mountain Dew. With a slow sigh, she began reapplying her lipstick as she zipped closer and closer to the Borg vessel.

A tractor beam attempts to lock onto the approaching ship. "Prepare to be boarded. Resistance is optional."

Fire was contiually directed at the nations of the Pacifics, pummeling the island chains dotting it's surface. Eeenie meenie minie moe... that little n00b has GOT to go...

"I think that ship is the threat...may'be." said Oliver, not so sure of himself "It seems likely, but Im skeptical myself. There is a giant Acorn thingy too...and I think the FOX network sattelite." Kilent rose in his seat, suddenly aware of the cruel presence of the FOX Broadcasting sattelite "Open fire on the transmitter!" said Kilent. Oliver clicked his heels "Aye sir!". With that order, the firepower of twenty five vessels ripped into the FOX space asset. "Take that rebel scum!"

Seemingly out of nowhere but in reality out of somewhere, a Tiburonese military ship carrying the Mercurius Shuivan and Vayate Shuivan emerged. Don't we all just love it when that happens?

Mercurius Shuivan
http://www.mahq.net/mecha/gundam/g-unit/oz-13msx2b-s.jpg

Vayate Shuivan
http://www.mahq.net/mecha/gundam/g-unit/oz-13msx1b-s.jpg

Nice pics, huh? Anyway, the Tiburonese ship went over to... um... some secretive undisclosed location. While watching Zoolander, Kiro Starfighter, new pilot of the Merc, got ready to launch.

"This is Kiro Starfighter. Ready to... Hahahahaha!!!

...

Um, yes, I er... *snickers*

Hehehe... HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Er... yes. This is Kiro. Ready for launch."

With that, the Mercurius Shuivan launched, not exactly sure where it was or what it was doing, but heading somewhere just the same.

OOC: Normally I'd ignore the Gundam thingies, but since it IS a non-serious RP...

"I'll allow it!" -Referee Jude Mills Lane

http://15min.org/images/2000-05-03_m3.jpg

A lone cruise missile launched through the outer atmosphere of the earth and entered space. Sitting atop, in a large, custom made saddle, was General Mike Rutch of the Assington BCS forces.

3/4 of the missile was composed of Mike's stereo system, which he normally had in his tank but made the switch today. Even though you can't hear anything in space, Mike decided to ingore physics and play the stereo..... What Will Become - Fear Factory bounced around the ships, filling the speakers.

Picking up his makeshift walkie talkie, Mike screamed.

"Yeeeeehaaaaawwwww! I hope we have some metal heads out in space!?!?!?!"

The missile suddenly changed course and began doing circles around the Borg Cube, whilst mike displayed his rear end to the invading cube.

"Assimilate this!" yelled Mike as he pointed to his rear end.

The borg ships does the sensible thing and ignores the lunatic on the missile.

A magical beam of light flyes through space ands destroys the man ojnn the rocket, YAY! :lol:

A lone cruise missile launched through the outer atmosphere of the earth and entered space. Sitting atop, in a large, custom made saddle, was General Mike Rutch of the Assington BCS forces.

3/4 of the missile was composed of Mike's stereo system, which he normally had in his tank but made the switch today. Even though you can't hear anything in space, Mike decided to ingore physics and play the stereo..... What Will Become - Fear Factory bounced around the ships, filling the speakers.

Picking up his makeshift walkie talkie, Mike screamed.

"Yeeeeehaaaaawwwww! I hope we have some metal heads out in space!?!?!?!"

The missile suddenly changed course and began doing circles around the Borg Cube, whilst mike displayed his rear end to the invading cube.

"Assimilate this!" yelled Mike as he pointed to his rear end.

OOC:

Yes, we do have some Metal heads in Space...*Blasts Emperor on his stereo*

Aboard the Starship "Minnowprize," science officer Spock held his hands to his temples and cried out. AAAAAAARRRRGH!

Ships Captain Kirk who had been reclining with his legs draped over the arm of his Captains Chair was startled by the shout and fell out of his chair. He shouted, "SPOCK! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT YOUR ICE CREAM SO FAST!" Seeing that Spock was obviously in pain, Kirk called for Doctor McCoy on the Intercom. "Bones! Theres...something very-wrong...with Spock. Get!...up-here...immediately!"

McCoy replied, "I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE THAT SPECIAL NAME WE USE FOR ME BETWEEN US, IN PUBLIC!" Besides I'm a Doctor Dammit, not a... oh yeah right, be right up.

When Dr. McCoy entered the command center from the ships space elevator, the doors opened with a whooshing sound. WHOOSH! I mention this for the reader so they will know that whenever someone on the Minnowprize enters or leaves through a ships door that it will be indicated by a WHOOSH. Which I will type into the post.

The Space elevator door opened, WHOOSH, indicating McCoy had entered the command center. He walked over to Spock and waved the reciever of his tricorder over Spock. The tricorder made a warbling sound, whiiiirlwhiiirlwhiiirl. McCoy looked at Kirk, "He seems to be alright physically Jim, despite his green blood cells. The problem could be with his eyesight. The guy hasn't had a date in years. I'm going to illuminate his hands with an ultraviolet light and see if there's any fluids on them.

That won't be necessary Doctor, replied Spock giving McCoy the Vulcan neck pinch rendering him unconscious. I am entitled to my private life. I am in perfect health Captain, what I experienced was the Psychic Backlash of the mental waves of thousands of beings in anguish. Like being at a Celine Dion concert.

Where...did-this...psychic...backlash...come-from...Spock? Do-you...know?...Huh?

Spock replied, "You just haven't been the same since the stroke, have you Jim? Yes of course I know, I know everything, fear me mortal, it came from Earth."

Captain Kirk sprang into action. "Uhura, my nubian goddess, get StarFleet on communications and notify them we are headed for Earth."
Aye-Aye Captain, said Uhura.

Kirk liked it when Uhura let him be the man in their relationship. Let him boss her around, giving her directives. Kirk also felt more secure knowing if she was busy she wouldn't accidently find his website with the pictures he secretly took during the night of the Christmas spaceship party.

Kirk turned to Sulu. Mr. Sulu set a course Warp 9 to Earth. Get us there fast. I know how you asians drive. I was stationed overseas.

Aye Captain, said Mr. Sulu, giving Kirk the finger when his back was turned.

Kirk strapped himself into his Captain's Chair, while Sulu careened the Minnowprize at Warp Speed, following the curves of Space.

Amazing! Thought Kirk that representatives from all the nations of Earth would face an alien menace together after so many years of Strife. Kirk gave orders to his international crew.

On the Com, he spoke with his engineer Scotty. "Scotty, how is the drive holding up?" Scotty's voice came back from the com. "She's han'lin as smuv as Scot'ush Whee'sky Capn'"

"Good Scotty. Mr. Checkov weapons report."
"Awl weepon's or at maximom powur Cap-tain."

"Good Mr. Checkov. Uhura, all communications bands open?"
"Whach yu tink I be doin over here, filin my nails? Jeez yu are a dumb SOB sometime."

"Errr, thanks. Mr. Sulu estimated time of arrival?"
"Will be approaching Earth in 16 hours Captain," said Sulu in perfect English.

Dr. McCoy who had been rolling around the Command finally came to and threw up.

"Captain Kirk to ships Janitor, report to the bridge."
"Hokay man, I weel be up there soon. Yust lemme get my mop."

"This is your last warning! Surrender now, or face the wrath of the Vaxintorians!!"

Mike draws closer to the Borg Cube until he can touch it. Moving up to the front viewing screen, Mike starts licking it clean. Several minutes later, he is satisfied that the job has been well done.

"That will be 5000 credits you swines!"

Stereo= When Darkness Falls - Killswitch Engage

Sulu reported, " We have reached Earth Captain, and there seems to be several vessels involved in the conflict with a Rubiks class Borg ship, and a giant acorn.

Uhuru reported, "I am recieving communications from different ships, they are various threats from the Borg ship and Acorn, and they be sayin things bout yur Mama Captain! A distress call, a spam for a dominatrix service, and a drunken Scotsmans call. Should I reply to any o' these biatches, Sir?"

"Shields are beung up, Phasores and Photun Torpedo's are beung ready Captain,"said Checkov.

Kirk took in the information. Using his years of training at StarFleet, and his experience as a seasoned veteran commander to evaluate the situation and make a command decision. "I dunno, there's a lot of ships there, couldn't we just hang around here out of sensor range and call for more help? I mean if we get involved doesn't that violate the Prime directive or something?"

Spock was standing by the Captain to get a better view of the ViewScreen, because his seating on the bridge sucked and it hurt his neck to have to turn around and look. "Captain, logic dictates that the Prime Directive of non-interference would not apply with the destruction of Earth, as then there would be no one around to enforce the Prime Directive, would there?"

McCoy had gotten back up and was standing on the other side of Kirk. "Always with the Cool unemotional Logic eh Spock? You just don't understand that Fear is a necessary part of being a human. It is because your Captain is human that Fear is creating that large brown stain on the seat of his pants."

"I SPILLED MY COFFEE IN MY CHAIR WHEN SULU WAS CAREENING THE SHIP!" shouted a red-faced Captain Kirk. "Uhuru, tell the Borg and Acorn to surrender of face the consequences of facing Captain Kirk and the StarShip Minnowprize, Hunh!" commanded Kirk with his fists on his hips that unconsciously jerked forward when he said Hunh! Tell the wimpy ship that we are sending a new engine to help it propel itself. Tell the Dominatrix that I will be required to board her vessel to ensure that it is spaceworthy, "said Kirk looking into a mirror, fixing his hair and checking his teeth for spinach." Ignore the Scotsman!

"Oooooo! The Borg and Acorn are saying terrible things bout your Mama," reporting Uhuru with her back to Kirk so he wouldn't be able to tell she was laughing.

"Ve haf been launching new Engin to wimpy Capitalist Ship through Photun Tohpedo tube, Cap-tain, said Checkov, it bounce off hull, and now wimpy ship headed toward sun."

*The lone Wombat News satellite orbitted silently around Earth, stealthily gathering news and gossip and beaming it directly to headquarters when it passed overhead.*

[AKA luggage tag]

Admiral Klack looked at the report. Acorns, Scotsmen, and a Rubiks cube. The three things he hated most.
"Helmsman, lay in a course for Earth. We're going to solve ourselves a Rubiks cube. With force."
"Erm, yes sir. But what about the rebellion?"
"Stuff it. When we come back we can kick those rebel asses."
"Erm, sir, we are the rebels."
"Oh. Erm...Well, we're going anyway."
"Right-o sir. Where were we going again?"
"Earth."
"Ah yes. Course laid in for Earth."

Sulu reported, "Sir the Borg ship is attempting to lock the Dominatrix vessel in a tractor beam, you will not be able to board."

"WE CAN'T LET THE BORG GET ALL THE WOMEN!" shouted Kirk. "Initiate tractor beam to pull that ship towards the Minnowprize!"

"Vut shuld ve do aboot the Acorn Cap-tain?" queried Chekov, honing his Russian accent.

"Logic would dictate a Giant Squirrel, said Spock."

Suddenly a familar image appeared on the ViewScreen. "I'm afraid you will not have time for that Kirk. You see we have a date... a date with DESTINY!"

Kirk stared at the screen with his mouth agape. Recognition causing him to shout the name of his adversary.

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

it appears we have stumbled upon a movie set. time to get out. looks like crimmond is very mad.

"This is your last warning! Surrender now, or face the wrath of the Vaxintorians!!"



"So be it, then. Your fates are sealed!"

A lance of purple fire extended from the Vaxintorian warship toward the enemy nearest it.

The Minnowprize shook as the Vaxonian vessels ray struck its shields! The bridge leaned hard to the right, and the camera watching the bridge shook. An alarm Klaxon sounded and the bridge lighting was switched to a Red Strobe. A disco ball dropped from the roof.

@@#%! Can this day get any worse! exclaimed Kirk! Mr. Sulu evasive maneuvers, Mr. Chekov Full photon torpedo spread and phasers on attacking vessel. Dr. McCoy, quit hiding behind my chair! Mr. Spock adjust the shields to that ray's frequency.

Kirk ran down his official starfleet checklist. (Lessee photons, phasers, maneuvers, shields, KHAAAAAAAAN! yep everythings here.)

"Uhuru find out if there's any sexy alien women on that ship!" Uhuru gave Kirk the finger when his back was turned.

Kirk got on the Com. "SCOTTY! Damage report."

"Tha beasties blu owt tha main foyer en tha ships gazebo Capn. I kin fix it but its gonna take time! At least 4 hor's."

"Make it 2, Kirk out."

The Minnowprize returned fire on the Vaxintorian's ship. Phtoo! Phtoo! Phtoo! Phtoo! (Phasers) TWIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

"This is your last warning! Surrender now, or face the wrath of the Vaxintorians!!"



"So be it, then. Your fates are sealed!"

A lance of purple fire extended from the Vaxintorian warship toward the enemy nearest it.

Fates sealed... purple fire... I HAVE to check this one out first.

With her grappling hook still latched onto The Moon, Sneeki-Sneeki swung back and forth, gaining momentum before at last returning the grappling hook to its holster and gliding forward toward the Vaxintorian vessel. She dodged swiftly as the Star Trek-type whatsis thingy began shooting at the warship, looking around carefully for any sort of shaft, airlock, tiny hole... anything at all that she could squeeze through to enter the vessel. When she found it, she would enter. And she would not be denied entrance. She was far too damned sneaky-sneaky to be denied entrance.

"I tink ve kilt it Cap-tain, said Chekov. Anudder glorious day vor Communism."

(It may be jest a-playin possum) thought Kirk in his rememberance of the Beverly Hillbillies series.

Uhuru reported, "I've detected a human female organism on the outside of the Vaxintorian ship Captain."

ALRIGHT! I mean very good Uhuru. Kirk spoke into the ships com, Scotty get a lock on that female organism on the ships hull and beam her on board. Assemble a security team to escort... Kirk saw the look on Uhuru's face... WHAT I AM SURE IS A VERY HIDEOUS ALIEN BEING! Beads of sweat formed on Kirks forehead. I'll be down shortly to interrogate the gruesome beast.

Several chunks of metal were blasted off of the patchwork ship, and the flickering images vanished. The ship floated in space, looking devoid of life....
Appearances can be deceptive.
OOC: :) At last! That drew some attention.
Teean-Ay: It should be easy to get on board; the ship is only airtight because of magic.

To all: The Vaxintorians are semi-shapeshifters. They can only change slowly, but each adult looks different... basically, however they want to look. Most of them favor the horrible monster look. They average about 8-9 feet tall, though there are exceptions.
This ship also has one of the D'zukaru on board. They are much more powerful, and can change shape at will. He/she/it (D'zukaru don't really have gender) is the being that is controlling the ship, and generating the weapons. D'zukaru are extremely hard to kill... the Vaxintorians outnumber them by over 1,000 - 1, but they still rule by force.

OOC: CAn't.... stop... laughing long... enough to .... type....

Kirk tapped his fingers impatiently on the Arm of his Captains Chair waiting for Scotty to report the retrieval of the Female. (If he's been drinking too much again and passed out, thought Kirk.)

I think I saw the Ship move! said Kirk, blast it some more Mr. Chekov!

Uhhh Captain, said Spock, we can't attack a vessel that no longer poses a threat.

WHY NOT! said Kirk, EVERYONE ELSE DOES! THE BORG! THE ROMULANS! THE KLINGONS! WHAT MAKES US SO SPECIAL?

We're the good guys Captain. Spock replied.

Phooey! said Kirk.

Dont pout Captain, said Spock.

Mike continued to crawl along the borg cube, infuriated that they hadn't payed up. Not quite sure what he was going to do, Mike ran into a broadcasting antena.

"Perfect."

Mike produced a spanner and screwdriver, and began to unfasten the antena. Thanks to the lack of gravity, Mike had no trouble take the antena back to his hovering cruise missile.

The antena attatched, Mike began broadcasing Analyst - Soil Work to all nearby vessels. Heading away from the cube, Mike had more viewing screens to lick.

The Borg ship suddenly, and without any known provocation, explodes into many tiny, tiny normal sized Rubick's cubes. The remaining crew of the ship began to solve them as they drift through space.

Then the cause appears... the Enterforaprize-D (http://cartoons.sev.com.au/archives/s406.jpg)!

Onboard:

Pickhard: Mr Beta... target the acorn ship and fire phizzers.
Beta: Aye, sir.
Piker: Captian, I am detecting a lifeform on a ship that the Borg were attempting to capture. A female lifeform...
Tryhard: Hey, don't get any ideas. You have to marry me in our fourth movie.
Barf: Sir, I reccomend shooting at everything. A Klingoff does not know the word overkill!
Pickhard: No, lets see what happens next.

The ship fires full phizzers at the acorn ship, then sits there. No movement or weapons fire. Damn idiots...

Uhuru reported, "Captain, The Enterforaprize-D has appeared and just destroyed the borg vessel."

"DARN THAT PICKHARD! He would have to show up just when I was getting ready to singlehandedly save the Universe! Uhuru open the communications channels to the Enterforaprize. Pickhard, this is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation StarShip Minnowprize! I'm handling this situation, and call dibs on the hot chick... I mean the hideous alien! So why don't you go polish your head or something."

Way to tell them Captain! Said the BridgeCrew making hand gestures and showing naked behinds to the ViewScreen.

http://www.startrekanimated.com/tas_gif/tas_anim_fire_phasers.gif

Piker grins at the felae behinds on the screen, trying to ignore the rest. He's quickly mentaly berated by Tryhard.

Pickhard growls. "At least I don't cover mine with a rug!"

OOC: This is Crimmond under my other nation.

Kirk turns red while the bridge crew snickers at Pickhards comeback.

"I DON'T WEAR A HAIRPIECE! Shouts Kirk, as a pair of small eyeballs peek from under his hair. Then cover themselves again.

http://www.trekkieguy.com/gallery/018.jpg

Mr Sulu! Set a course to intercept that Acorn! We're going to destroy it before PickHard does.

Aye-Aye Captain, said Sulu.

"Wouldn't it be more logical to work with the Enterforaprize, rather than compete with it Captain?" Asked Spock.

No way! said Kirk, I'm going to show that Frenchman who's the Top Captain in StarFleet. Hey PickHard raise one hand if you like the French, both hands if you are french.

Barf grins at the screen. "At least we have better weapons systems than yours!"

Beta turns. "Excuse me, but I have just though of something. Why are Klingoff heads now lumpy?"

Barf growls in response.

Piker grins. "Their brains shrunk?" He ducks an incoming toycorder.

"It is bad Kingoff arcitecture. They keep making doorways shorter!" Barf replies.

Beta nods and turs to the screen. "Mr Chekov... may I ask why everything was made by little old ladies in Leneingrad?" He smiles innocently.

The Minnowprize closed in on the Giant Acorn, and opened fire with Phasers and Photon Torpedos. Phtoo, Phtoo, TWIIIIIIIIR,WIIIIIIIR.

I better get down to Sickbay said Dr. McCoy. WHOOSH.

Chekov replied, Our liddle ol leningrad lady's r da best machinists. Mine own grandma worked at da tractorworks.

somewhere in the ford Galaxy

"PREPARE FOR LUDICISE SPEED (ludicise speed is he crazy?)"

Spaceballs one enters ludicise speed and soon enters plaid!

Arriving at Earth just in time to see the destruction of the Rubiks Class Cube explodes.
Crewman: "Sir, thousands of rubiks cubes are heading at a leisurely pace towards the hull!"
Klack: "Do they cause a threat?"
Crewman: "Only extreme confuzzlement and frustration. Should I activate the PDLs?"
Klack: "No, dispatch the hundreds of fighters that are on board despite the fact we have no pilots."
Crewman: "How do we fly them?"
A female voice answers that question, "I'll do it."
"Ahh, Andromeda" said Klack.
Crewman: "Is that the AI?"
Andromeda: "Indeed I am. Admiral, shall I attack any other ships in the vicinity while I'm at it?"
Klack: "Yes. Attack the ship that fired the purple fire. That was cool, I want to say hello."
Andromeda: "Missile barrage commencing; attack pattern "Hello". Anything else you can think of for me to do sir?"
Klack: "Well I can think of a few things," he said, grinning, "but there's time for them later. Do we have any nova bombs?"
Andromeda: "A few, locked inside an IGNORE field, since they can blow up a star."
Klack: "Hmm. They should make a dent. Unpack them, and after firing several thousand missiles at the purple flame throwing enemy, and attacking them with the fighters..."
Andromeda: "I thought I as to attack the Rubiks cubes with the fighters?"
Klack: "Erm, attack that other ship next. Prepare to fire the nova bombs if we have to."
Andromeda: "But not yet?"
Klack: "No. But fire the anti-proton cannons at it too."
Andromeda: "As you wish sir."

http://www.andromedatv.com/images/cast_doig0304.gif
Andromeda, Ships AI

http://www.slipstreamnews.com/images/news/andromeda_ascendant.jpg
The Golden Star, The Ship

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0TADbAggYw7hNnyLrO7oxaUz60iU!VtvpvwNtsnK9NlrVZMw1HXDMKx*ozMzVEu7Itrnu5gpRHtuguu6ftmPSHrS*hJVKUtIKVAG AI75MNvxgKfG6vC8X9Q/admiralklack.jpg?dc=4675450178878692752
Admiral Klack

Our Veapons are haffing no effect on da Acorn Captain, should ve continue firing? Asked Chekov.

The Acorn appears to be made of some superstrong organic material Captain. It creates new growths to mend the damage our weapons create to its hull, noted Spock.

Then theres only one other option said Kirk. Spock come with me. WHOOSH.

Kirk and Spock rode the elevator down to the Crews quarters, while on the way Kirk dared Spock to pull his finger. Spock not seeing the logic in any adverse effects of pulling his Captains finger soon learned otherwise.

Kirk made his way to Lt. Janice's cabin. They entered her Cabin made up entirely in passion pink Decor, a standing cabinent filled with precious moment's figurines stood against the Wall.

Here's what we need said Kirk, pointing to Lt. Janices pet beaver. Grab that Beaver Spock and lets get down to the Transporter room.

I'll try Captain, but its been awhile since I grabbed a Beaver.

Meanwhile back on the bridge Sulu declared himself in charge and took over all available women.

http://www.trekkieguy.com/gallery/004.jpg

Kirk and Spock made their way to the transporter room. This time Spock was careful not to accept the invitation to pull Kirks finger in the elevator.

This does not look like a normal earth Beaver, said Spock, also how could one beaver do any damage to an Acorn of such gigantic porportions?

You're right Spock, replied Kirk, this is no ordinary Earth Beaver. This is a Tribble-Beaver crossbreed. The more acorn it eats the more times it will multiply. Soon that alien ship will be covered in Acorn eating Tribble-Beavers.

Well then why did Lt. Janice have a beaver in her quarters, asked Spock?

She's Canadian, replied Kirk. Scotty transport this Beaver to the Alien Acorn.

Aye Captain, an kin I tel yew I've nevah transported a fin'r Beav'rrr than one sooch as that ye hav thar.

http://www.trekkieguy.com/gallery/007.jpg

On the bridge, Lt. Janice entered the Bridge, (WHOOSH,) and demanded "HAS ANYONE SEEN MY BEAVER?"

I haven't, but I'm willing to look, said various crew members.

Arriving at Earth just in time to see the destruction of the Rubiks Class Cube explodes.
Crewman: "Sir, thousands of rubiks cubes are heading at a leisurely pace towards the hull!"
Klack: "Do they cause a threat?"
Crewman: "Only extreme confuzzlement and frustration. Should I activate the PDLs?"
Klack: "No, dispatch the hundreds of fighters that are on board despite the fact we have no pilots."
Crewman: "How do we fly them?"
A female voice answers that question, "I'll do it."
"Ahh, Andromeda" said Klack.
Crewman: "Is that the AI?"
Andromeda: "Indeed I am. Admiral, shall I attack any other ships in the vicinity while I'm at it?"
Klack: "Yes. Attack the ship that fired the purple fire. That was cool, I want to say hello."
Andromeda: "Missile barrage commencing; attack pattern "Hello". Anything else you can think of for me to do sir?"
Klack: "Well I can think of a few things," he said, grinning, "but there's time for them later. Do we have any nova bombs?"
Andromeda: "A few, locked inside an IGNORE field, since they can blow up a star."
Klack: "Hmm. They should make a dent. Unpack them, and after firing several thousand missiles at the purple flame throwing enemy, and attacking them with the fighters..."
Andromeda: "I thought I as to attack the Rubiks cubes with the fighters?"
Klack: "Erm, attack that other ship next. Prepare to fire the nova bombs if we have to."
Andromeda: "But not yet?"
Klack: "No. But fire the anti-proton cannons at it too."
Andromeda: "As you wish sir."

In the Vaxintorian ship:
"Mighty one, we've been fired upon! Not just a minor attck; this time, we're going to have to do something about it."
"I will deal with it. Prepare to board!"
"Um... are you sure that's wise, mighty one? We don't know how they are armed, or even what they are-"
"You will obey me!!!"
The Vaxintorian captain fled.
----------------------------------------
As the missiles approached the Vaxintorian ship, a field of purple light shimmered around them. They vanished, appearing on the opposite side of The Golden Star... but they didn't change direction.
The Vaxintorian craft started accelerating toward its attacker.

Pickhard watched the insanity around the ship and sighed. "What the hell happened to this star system?"

"It is full of fools and degenerates. They need to be vanquished!" was the reply from, of course, Barf.

"Sir, if I may?" said the standard teenage boy wizard assigned to all ships.

"What is it Measly?" Piker asked, already regretting having not shown him his new quaters in the Port side airlock.

"If we use the Warped Engines to create a feedback loop and then send the resulting energy through the... *insert three lines of Technobabble* We could cause the rest of them to stop fighting!"

"Why don't we just... leave?" Piker answered, headache mounting.

"That would make too much sense Number One."

"Sir... could you stop calling me Number One?"

"Why? Is there a problem?"

"Well, sir... I overheard an ensign going into the bathroom saying he was going to do a Piker."

"Oh, is that all. Okay, Willy."

"Aw, damn..."

The ship continues to sit there as the bridge crew continues to use up screen time with dialogue.

Mike pulled up along the Enterforaprize-D. Yet another ship that required space cleaning after the pieces of space-kill flick up, onto the windscreen. Slowly crawling along the side of the ship, he finally reaches the front window. And it's a big one.

Mike whistles in awe and begins his tongue exercises. This job would take a while. Leaping onto the screen in a crazed fury, Mike began to agressively lick the screen, sucking up the pieces of space crap.

Kirk and Spock made their way back to the Ships bridge. WHOOSH!

Lt. Janice, your beaver is being used to save the Earth, return to your duties. Sulu, put your shirt back on, put down that sword, let go of Uhuru, and get back to your post. Chekov, quit surfing the net for Russian brides. Uhuru open the channels to Captain Pickhard.

Channels to Enterforaprize-D open Captain, said Uhuru. We are also picking up a life-form on the outside of their ship.

Probably just Beta, trying to mate with the ship again, said Kirk. "Captain PickHard. This is Captain Kirk, but you can probably tell that since there's a viewscreen. We have placed Tribble-Beavers on the Acorn, and they are busily munching, so that vessel is no longer a threat. The Scotsman ship does not seem to be involved in the combat. I think that their Captain dropped a dime in a venilation grate, so their entire ship is involved in trying to retrieve it. That leaves only the other two alien craft. I hate to say this but... AAAAAAAAhHHg NEEUUUUUB YEEEEEEEOOOOOUR HHHHHAAAAAALLLLLGGGG!

C'mon spit it out, its not that tough to say, said Spock slapping Kirk on the back. WHAP

I...I need your help, Pickhard, said Kirk.

http://www.trekkieguy.com/gallery/020.jpg

(Vat a Veenie,) whispered Chekov to Sulu.

Lt. Janice moved over to Uhuru's station. "I can't believe he just used my beaver like that!"
"Yeah, I hear you girlfriend," said Uhuru, both of them giving Kirk "THE LOOK!"

http://www.trekkieguy.com/gallery/114.jpg

DP

A: "Sir, several slimy, blob-like shape shofters are attempting to enter me."
K: "Hmm...Oh! You mean we're being boarded?"
A: "They're attempting to board, yes."
K: "Activate internal defences, and send Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee round to pay them a visit."
A: "The enemy ship has started accelerating towards us."
K: "Have the fighters converge and start attcking them. And start accelerating towards them. We'll see who's the chicken..."
A: "Sir, I believe that that may kill us if we crash."
K: "They'll chicken out. You said they're shape-shifters, right? They'll change into a chicken and chicken out."
A: "They'd better, because I'm 99.997% sure we can't change into a chicken..."

As the Vaxinatorians entered the ship, they were confronted by two humogous mechs. These two giants sport twin miniguns with almost limitless ammunition, along with large flamethrowers. In every corridor small automated anti-proton guns started tracking for enemies. In every corridor the boarders would be shot at by the very ship itself.

OOC: How big is the Vaxintorian ship? The Golden Star is just over a kilometre FYI. And did you mean that my missiles are heading towards me?

OOC: About the length of a large naval warship; its width is 1/3 its length.
Yes, your missiles are heading toward you....
The Vaxintorians aren't really blob-like; basically, each one selects a form that it likes as it is growing up. They're all different, though scales, spikes, and natural armor are popular. Also, they haven't started boarding yet, since they don't have any sort of teleporter.
IC: As the fighters approached the Vaxintorian craft, bolts of purple fire lashed out at them....
Boom!! Blam!! Pow!! (etc.)
For some reason, the explosions were clearly audible... even though sound shouldn't travel in space... :?

Captain, said Spock. The Crappy looking ship we blasted earlier, just disappeared when the really big ship whose side we are not sure of, fired thousands of missiles at it.

What do you mean disappeared? Asked Kirk. You mean it like jumped into hyperspace, or Warp drive and moved? It may have a transporter jump ability.

No, Captain, said Spock, I mean it completely disappeared from this plane of reality and entered elsewhere. Not only that but it did the same thing to the big unknown ships missiles and had them reappear headed back toward it.

C*AP! Exclaimed Kirk. How did it do that?

I dunno said Spock, but there must be a logical explaination.

You "dunno," Spock? Asked Kirk.

Human side of me. Answered Spock.

At long last, Sneek-Sneeki had found her entrance: a tiny screwhole on the vessel's side, the air held in by the magic around the ship (OOC: Presumably... [willingsuspensionofdisbelief]). With a cool smile, she reached into her Bag O' Tricks, pulling out a small PDA-like device.

"Let's see..." she muttered quietly. "Well, I've been pulling off the 'Incredibly Freaking Sexy' thing quite well... and 'Obligatory Impractical Gadgetry' has been going well... I think it's time for a display of 'Raw Evil Magical Prowess.'"

Sneeki-Sneeki placed her right index finger against the hole and closed her eyes, her body taking on a slight glow. Her figure suddenly began to shrink and distort, to twist into a brown blob. The blob began to sprout hair all around it as it became smaller still, and from the light, Sneeki-Sneeki Bytemare had transformed into a spider, one no larger than the tip of a ballpoint pen.

Oh, yeah. I'm bad-ass.

The spider hissed as it scuttled into the hole and onto the ship. Still maintaing her form, she began traversing along the wall of the hallway, making certain to remain in the shadows so as not to be seen.

OOC: Well, use that as reference when you do start boarding...And is my ship about five times the size of every other ship here then?
IC:
The fighters swarmed towards the Vaxinatorian ship. As they began to open fire purple fire lanced out at them.
"Gold 1 to Gold 2, you see that?"
"Yeah, it just missed me. That's sooooooo cool. That'd be an amazing way to die!"
"Yeah, I was just thinking that!"
About ten fighters began kamikaze runs directly into the weapons ports of the ship. More would have followed, until they realised that they had to die to do that...

A: "Admiral, it appears the enemy ships has the ability to warp spacetime."
K: "I thought only the federation ships had warp drives..."
A: "No, many species do, you should pay more attention to the tv...but anyway, this is no drive. This is a sort of shield, when our missiles came close to it, they were turned back. They're now heading towards us."
K: "Oh. K. Can the PDLs stop enough to prevent any major damage to us?"
A: "Not really, seeing as how there're several thousand missiles."
K: "Hmm. Well, take evasive manouvers then."
A: "Already done sir, we're out of harms way."
K: "Actually, couldn't you have just deactivated the missiles remotely?"
*several loud KLUNKs are heard*
A: "I did that too sir, but the kinetics could've still done damage, as I had no control over them. Hence the evasive maneuvres. Those noises are the deactivated missiles hitting the hull."
K: "Hmmm...Can we Nova Bomb them?"
A: "I think it would be affected by the same shield."
K: "Damn. I want blow something up, dammit! What would hurt that ship?"
A: "Energy weapons, I believe."
K: "Fire missiles at the two ships attacking the gigantic acorn. I'm bored of the purple ship now."
A: "How many?"
K: "I want to blow them up. So, enough to blow them up, in salvos of 200 or so."
A: "Missiles away. What about the other ship?"
K: "Erm..." *shrugs* "...Fire lasers at them then. And the AP cannons.
A: "Anything else, sir?"
K: "Erm...Prepare to blow up Sol."
A: "Sir?"
K: "Get the nova bombs. I'm bored, I want to blow something up! The sun's big, it'll make a nice little bang."
A: "So would I sir...If the supernova hit the ship, we'd be destroyed."
K: "So make it a small one."
A: "That's impossible."
K: "So is a nova bomb."
Andromeda shrugged, figuring she can't argue with his logic. The androids began altering the nova bomb to make the star blow up big enough to impress the Admiral, but not enough for the shock wave to reach Earth. She wondered if this would make a black hole...

K: "Fire missiles at the two ships attacking the gigantic acorn. I'm bored of the purple ship now."

Sulu reported from the Helm, "Captain the extremely gigantic Ship that was attacking the Crappy looking alien vessel is now attacking us. Reading hundreds of similar type missiles targeting the Minnowprize, and the Enterforaprize-D."

Kirk screamed like a sissy. EEEK! Before regaining his composure. 180 degrees turnabout Mr. Sulu. All power to rear shields. Rear Photon Spread and Phasers at approaching missiles. Notify Pickhard his goose is gonna get cooked if he doesn't move.

So in short Run Away, Captain? Asked Sulu.

Hey, you did attend the Academy Sulu, said Kirk. Spock! Any ideas on how to deal with the weird looking Junkship?

"I'm trying to formulate a solution now Captain." said Spock.

Spock deep in thought used his amazing powers of logic in an attempt to save his bacon.
The scientific method requires a hypothesis for an event, and a counter hypothesis. The hypothesis must follow a law in order to be valid.
Since the Junkship did occupy one point of reality, and then transferred to another without the requirement to move its mass through our dimensional laws of physics. The question becomes akin to Aquina's Angels on a Pinhead. Where the question is unsolvable because a pinhead defines a point of our reality. The easiest way to define the ability of the alien junkship is to remove everything that is impossible. What the dump-star did was impossible.

Uhuru listening to Spocks mutterings while she thumbed through a national enquirer suggested, "maybe it was magic."

The Enterforaprize rocked with the blows hitting the shields.

"Merde! Return fire Mr Barf!" Picard shouted. "No one interupts a character building dialouge!"

"Gladly sir! Firing Pinto Torpedos and Phizzers."

"Damn fine weapons those Pintos. The best to come out of the 20th century." Riker noted.

A panel explodes for no apparent reason, killing the standard teeneage boy wizard.

Beta blinks. "Measly Chruncher is dead, sir. and the other ships are continuing to fire."

"Blast... we'll have to postpone the party. Mr Barf... can you suggest any Kingoff tactics that may help us?"

"Engage the Cloaking Device." came the response.

"Barf, we don't HAVE a cloaking device."

"Oh, in that case... ramming speed."

"New tactic... Beta, do you have any tactics from any civilization that may work?"

"Yes sir. I believe the Fungi tactics would work."

"Very well. Open a channel! ALl ships, this is Captian Pickhard of the Sevship S.E.V. Enterforaprize. I offer.... a bargin. You wish to either blow up Earth, enslave it or otherwise wreak havok, yes? Then I know of the perfect solution. But... it will cost you. You must ALL power weapons, but not shields, down. Then we will transmit coordinates to the next best place to trash."

The MinnowPrize headed for the sun, where solar flares would act to scramble the electronics of the pursuing missiles.

We should be safe here, said Kirk, obviously not knowing the plans of the humongous ships Commander.

Daleks: EXTERMINATE.

A Dalek: Exterminate. Annihilate. Destroy.

A Dalek: Exterminate all humans.

The jolt of the blasts upon the Enterforaprize caused Mike to headbutt the viewing screen of the ship. Knowing that is was Federation quality craftsmenship, he cursed when he noticed the massive hole his head had made within the screen.

Grabbing his microphone, which was attatched to his speakers.

"Ummm, hey Federation guys..... There's a big hole in the fron of your ship.... Does anyone have any gum?"

For the time being, Mike decided to plug the hole with his rear end, stopping the oxygen from leaving the ship, but also replacing it with other gasses.

Admiral Klack watched the destruction wih glee.
"Mwahahahahaha! Ph33R my power!!!"
A: "Technically, it's my power sir. And how did you manage to actually speak l33t? Oh, that's it. Nevermind."
K: "Bah."

Then the message from the Enterforeaprize-D arrived.

K: "Fire the nova bomb at the Sun, then power down the lasers and close the missile ports, after preparing a full salvo behind them. We'll let them think we've agreed to their terms, find another place to destroy, and then blow them up! Mwahahahahaha!"
A: "Nova bomb away sir."
An salvo of 101 missiles headed towards the sun. 100 were standard kinetics, surroundning the nova bomb on all sides. At the centre the nova bomb gave off a ghostly blue-white aura, indicating its UBAR-B0MB status to all those teenagers and 40-year-old-single-men-living-in-their-parents-basement watching this battle on tv...

Daleks: EXTERMINATE.

A Dalek: Exterminate. Annihilate. Destroy.

A Dalek: Exterminate all humans.

Daleks: The Daleks will rule Supreme in dalek Uni-verse.

Davros: Mwahaweahawahawa *Throws blue Cylinder*

Daleks start spitting foam davros dose too

Davros: i am not a Dalek! i am davros!

Daleks: EXTERMINATE.

A Dalek: Exterminate. Annihilate. Destroy.

A Dalek: Exterminate all humans.

Daleks: The Daleks will rule Supreme in dalek Uni-verse.

Davros: Mwahaweahawahawa *Throws blue Cylinder*

Daleks start spitting foam davros dose too

Davros: i am not a Dalek! i am davros!

Golden radiant energy from the sun is being transferred around the shields of the Minnowprize surrounds the ship like a globe.

Mr. Sulu, is the Enterforaprize-D still intact? Asked Kirk.

Yes Captain, it took some damage, but the ship is still operational. Also El Monstro, the Humungoid Alien Ship has fired another barrage of missiles at us, but not Captain Pickhard's ship.

THAT'S FAVORITISM! exclaimed Kirk. I bet Pickhard switched sides to save his skin. I knew StarFleet couldn't trust a Frenchman. :P

Vat shood Ve du, Cap-tain? Queried Chekov.

Eh, those missiles can't get us here, and its better they shoot at us than the Earth. Just hang around until they're out of Ammo, then we'll nail them.

De are haffing Nr-G Veapuns 2, said Chekov.

We can deal with those, (I hope,) said Kirk.

I am elated vith ur confidence, Captain, said Chekov.

A imperious voice was heard by all members of the Minnowprize Crew.

"HELLO MY CHILDREN"

http://www.leofun.com/comics/startrek/summaries/st30.htm

A: "Sir, the incredibly small ship has hidden close to the sun. The radiation is interfering with the sensors, so I can't pinpoint their exact location."
K: "Time till TEH UBAR-B0MB hits?"
A: "I'm still amazed how you organic lifeforms are able to do that...Anyway, approximately 5 minutes until it reaches the sun. Sol will explode approximately twenty seconds after that."
K: "That long?"
A: "We are about 8 light minutes away, so it's not actually that long..."
K: "Hmph."
A: "I'm receiving new data, it seems the larger of the "good" ships is captained by a frenchman..."
K: "It is? Do we have any Germans on board?"
A: "Yes sir, two."
K: "Okay, prepare to send over a "dimplomatic" envoy to that ship. Then, when the Germans are close enough, they've to brandish ancient rifles and scare the captain out of his wits. He'll be so scared, that he'll retreat before the Germans like all French!"
A: "An excellent plan sir, with one flaw: We don't have any ancient rifles."
K: "Well, send them with brautwerst or something."
A: "Yes sir."

A small shuttle, lined with a kind of metal that federation sensors can't penetrate departed minutes later, towards the Enterforaprize-D. It carried aboard it the two Germans, and a snooty Englishman for good measure. The three were wearing suits of the same material, which made them look like grotesque blobs.
Admiral Klack broadcast this message, waying the partial loss of his mysteriosity against getting his Germans aboard (although to counter it, he had his voice distorted and amplified to sound like some sort of a mystical being)
"Superior-To-Your-Counterparts-Yet-Greatly-Inferior-To-Us Federation Vessel, I command the Gigantic Vessel you cannot failed to have noticed even with your primitive sensors. We are in a mood to discuss diplomacy, and to this end we have sent a delegation to your vessel. They will converse with your captain and only your captain, for only he even approaches worthiness. They will speak with him alone, on your vessel.
If you do anything to displease us, then we will destroy your ship. We shall also destroy that other ship, but we shall give you a chance of living. Communication Ends."
*A lot of laughter is then heard, until the voice speaks again;
"Is this thing still on? Dammit, I told you to switch it off!"
The sound of an energy weapon being discharged is heard, before silence as the broadcast is finally ended.

"YES GOD!" answered Kirk his eyes bugging out of his skull.

HAHAHA! God? I'm not god you mensch. I'm just a work-a-day being like yourself, your sun in fact, but if you count the fact I keep you alive, well then... just consider me like a parent. Boobie. Listen Boychik, time is short. The big ship over there trying to turn you into leftover Matzahball soup, just shot a Sun destroying bomb at me. Why? I don't know, I never did anything to them. Oy! I'm talking to you now because you need to know whats about to happen. Right now that missile is traveling near light speed. What I'm going to do is accelerate that bombs speed to light speed.

Wouldn't that make it reach you faster and blow up? Also even if you're the sun it would take more energy than you could generate in your lifetime. Said Kirk reading through his science magazine.

Look, call me Sol, or Solly if you prefer, thats what my friends call me, and we're all friends here right? So here's the pitch boobla. You're right it is more energy than I can create, "but," on your little ship there is some Antimatter maybe, Negative material?

"I believe what Sol, is suggesting is creating a Casimir effect Captain," said Spock.

Such a bright boy, said sol, I bet your home star is very proud. That's exactly right. You use your transporter beam to coat the missle via photonic frequency. Missle is immediately attracted to me, goes lightspeed, Wormhole is created, I'm happy, you're happy, and so on. Here's the coordinates for your beam, I'll just put them on your computer.

"Scotty, transport Antimatter to coat Missile on Computer coordinates. Exclaimed Kirk."

Dun and dun Captain, replied Scotty.

Like my own Goyem you are, swear to God. Excuse me, I'm a little Verklempt.

But won't the bomb explode when it reaches your proximity? Asked Kirk.

You never studied your Relativity in the Academy did you? Always the girly magazines

Kirk blushed painfully.

Beta looked up. "Sir, that shuttle is occuipied by an unkown intelligence. Reccomend not letting them aboard."

"Perhaps you're ri-"

Sparks fly from another console and a fat, middle aged scotsman appears. "Ack! I've been stuck in that bloody computer of yers for a month! Why didn't ya look fer me?" demands Squatty.

"You've been gone a week." Barf notes.

"Aye, but I always multiply by four."

"Captian, the shuttle is still approaching." Beta stated.

"Don't let them aboard. Catch them in a tractor beam if need be."

Moments later a green machine marked John Deer is fired at the shuttle.

"I said Tractor BEAM! Not bean them with a tractor!"

"Sorry, sir..."

OOC: This is Crimmond, under my other nation.

Suddenly, a huge starship with a sizable hole knocked in it appears, seemingly out of nowhere. It moves around erraticly, like a senior citizen that can't remember what he walked into the room for. It is roughly 3 kilometers long, and shaped a bit like a cucumber. After a moment, a transmission is sent to all the ships in the area.

"Excuse us, but we thought we heard someone broadcasting some old Star Trek episodes, and you see, that's our favorite show and we wanted to come listen. I hope that's all right."

OOC: I don't think its mattered since the thread started. LOL.

NOT ANOTHER ONE! Shouted Kirk. WHAT'S THIS ONE? THE WRATH OF CONE?

Sol, how did the Junky looking ship manage to leave this universe, and then reappear? Asked Spock.

You wanna know? Okay, I can tell you what you wanna know. The beings on that ship you see, are a very ancient race. We should all live so long. They have in the course of their existance, discovered the solution to "N," or infinity.

So they are capable of accessing alternate dimensions, parallel universes? Queried Spock.

You got it boobie, you should do something about those ears. I know a Rabbi...

I'm Gentile, said Spock. Thank you great Sol, for your help. Is there anything we can do for you?

A nice bagel with some Cream Cheese once in a while perhaps, or some nice lox.

Preventing the the Enterforaprize from losing it's atmosphere was a boring job. When Mike was bored, he tended to.... release unnecessary gasses. Since his cruise missile worked on baked bean propulsion, that was his only meal out of the atmosphere.

A gust rushed into the ship and Mike jolted. Grabbing his mic, he began to transmit to the ship once again.

"Umm, guys. I can't protect your atmosphere forever........"

As the tractor hurtled towards the shuttle, two missiles were fired at it in an attempt to alter it's course. However, the tractor was merely blown to pieces, and the shuttle returned to it's home.
Aboard the Enterforaprize-Ds bridge the voice was heard again:
"How dare you attack our shuttle! And you claimed you were a peaceful race...We shall now destroy you!!!"

All the fighter craft (that had been hanging around after getting bored with the Vaxinatorians) surged forwards towards the Enterforeaprize. The small ships swarmed around the enemy like angry flies, letting off missiles and lasers, primarily targetting the shield generators. The Golden Star then began moving towards the Enterforaprize. Too slow for ramming speed, but just quick enough to make it threatening. When it was close enough to dwarf the ship by it's proximity (and thereby filling the (damaged) viewscreen of the Enterforaprize), it slowly ground to a halt, the silence of space only broken by the continuing attack from the fighters (explosions, zapping noises and other assorted effects for the viewers pleasure). Seconds passed. Then, without warning, a massive barrage began, lasers, missiles, and anti-matter slugs, mainly targetting the engines, artificial gravity and life-support.

A: "It seems the smaller of the ships has coated the nova bomb in anti-matter, in an attempt to create a wormhole and save Sol."
K: "Erm, I thought the Cashmir effect had nothing to do with wormholes, or velocity for that matter. And wouldn't a wormhole that close to the Sun suck in some of the stars matter, reducing it's mass and allowing the fusion to take over and, in effect, make the sun go nova anyway?"
A: "I believe you are correct, captain. Though I do not believe I mentioned the Cashmir effect, only they did. How did you know?"
K: "Oh, I've been watching the Star-Trek episode that's currently being broadcast, several minutes before we actually do what's documented...Well anyway what can we do?"
A: "Nothing, by the time knowledge of their attempt reached me it has most likely had an effect. Even if the bomb went off we won't know for another five minutes."
K: "Oh. Okay, well...Continue to destroy the other ship!!!"

Did Kirk's/Sol's plan work? Has the Sun been destroyed? Did the bomb go off? If so, where? Was a wormhole created? If so, did it destroy the su...No, wait done that one...
Anyway, tune in for the answers to this and much more in the next exciting installment of;
Star-Trek, The Farcical Generation

The occupants of the cucumber shaped ship were now very confused. Six heads were clustered around, peering puzzledly at the sensor screens. "What the feck were they throwing tractors at each other for?" questioned one of them. "Who knows," replied one of the others. Let's ask them," suggested a third. The owner of the second head moved over to the comm unit. "Umm, we don't mean to intrude, but we were wondering if maybe you could tell us exactly why you were throwing tractors at each other just now, if it's not too much trouble." The owner of the first and third heads stood up. I'm bored with this, I'm going to sleep. The other five occupants of the bridge watched as he unsteadily, and with good reason; he had just finished his eight beer in as many minutes, trudged toward the door, collapsed on the floor about 10 feet from it, and passed out in a very uncomfortable looking postion.

Hokay boychiks, here comes the missile, watch this. I have positively charged all of the electrons in the Area where the missile will strike. The missile moving near light speed, is coated completely in Negative matter. As with an experiment you can try at home, with two metal plates, one negatively charged and one positively charged. A vaccum will be created between myself and the missile. The speed of Gravity is equal to the speed of Light.

OOC:oh now, laws of physics are important Mr. Shoot a missile at the Sun. :)
Quote by John Cramer:"It has long been known that lorentzian wormholes (the kind discussed here, as distinguished from the unrelated euclidian wormholes that Stephen Hawking, Sidney Coleman, and others conjure with in quantum gravity studies), are intrinsically unstable in field-free space and will snap shut so quickly that one cannot pass even a single photon through. What TMY discovered is that a lorentzian wormhole can be stabilized by creating a zone of negative energy in the wormhole throat, the place where it has maximum space-time curvature. They suggested creating the needed negative energy region by using a "parallel plate capacitor" made with a pair of superconducting spheres carrying huge electrical charges and separated by a very small gap, employing the Casimir effect [see my column "FTL Photons" in the Mid-December-1990 issue of Analog] to make the zone of negative energy by suppressing electromagnetic fluctuations of the vacuum and reducing the vacuum energy to a value less than zero. In the TMY scenario, the hypothetical advanced civilization (one that could convert whole suns to mass-energy for civil engineering projects) would extract from the "quantum foam" one of the many wormholes that wink into and out of existence at ultra-small distance scales, expand the selected wormhole to macroscopic dimensions by adding energy, and stabilize it by placing the two charged superconducting spheres in the wormhole mouths (or portals). The portals could then be transported to widely separated regions of space to provide FTL communication and travel."

OOC: The wormhole in this case is not an effect of a "Blackhole," but simply an indication of an object that has been affected by Space-time relativity for the speed of light. The Wormhole is a consequence of the action. It does not require stability as it doesn't really matter what happens to the missile, just that it is gone. The negative material of the Antimatter acts as both an attractor, a stabilizer, and to create the necessary vaccum. Since the Wormhole was created by the object itself, I would point out the statement, "snapped shut so that not even a photon could pass through." P.S. The sphere's that Cramer talks about are fixed gates.

A: "The enemy ship has started accelerating towards us."
K: "Have the fighters converge and start attcking them. And start accelerating towards them. We'll see who's the chicken..."
A: "Sir, I believe that that may kill us if we crash."
K: "They'll chicken out. You said they're shape-shifters, right? They'll change into a chicken and chicken out."
A: "They'd better, because I'm 99.997% sure we can't change into a chicken..."
As the two ships neared each other, purple lightning began flickering between them. The Vaxintorian vessel slowed rapidly, finally matching speeds with the other craft when it was less than a foot away from its side. Violet light filled the gap, and red flame shot out toward The Golden Star. Almost immediately, a doorway was carved through the ship's outer hull. One of the plates of steel that made up the Vaxintorian vehicle slid aside, and the creatures started jumping across the gap, waving swords.


A: "Sir, several slimy, blob-like shape shifters are attempting to enter me."
K: "Hmm...Oh! You mean we're being boarded?"
A: "They're attempting to board, yes."
K: "Activate internal defences, and send Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee round to pay them a visit."

As the Vaxintorians entered the ship, they were confronted by two humongous mechs. These two giants sport twin miniguns with almost limitless ammunition, along with large flamethrowers. In every corridor small automated anti-proton guns started tracking for enemies. In every corridor the boarders would be shot at by the very ship itself.

The first three Vaxintorians to enter were almost instantly riddled with bullets; they fell to the deck, dead. The others retreated, calling out a warning to those behind them.
The captain snarled, sheathing his twin swords. "I said we should be more careful. 'We don't know what's on board that thing.' I said. But does anyone listen to me? Nooo, of course not! What do I know? I'm only the captain, after all. Blasted D'zukaru!"
He opened a cabinet and began passing out strange black rifles to his crew. They charged back into The Golden Star, firing blasts of red lightning at the two huge mechs.

Wow, Pickhards really getting pounded, said Kirk, who was eating popcorn and watching the Viewscreen. It hurts to watch. At least the other alien ships are fighting with each other. I'm guessing over the remains of the Enterforaprize-d.

Kirk noticed the bridge crew staring at him..."Which you will set a course for so we can render aid and assistance, Mr. Sulu."

Aye-Aye Captain, said Sulu.

We still need to deal with the Planet Eater Captain, said Spock.

Easy-Breezy, said Kirk, just use the same plan we used in our first mission. Boarding Party, You, me, 4 Security Team members... the usual drill.

"THE DEVIL IS IN ALL OF YOU!" shouted Sulu, who was listening to his Rob Zombie CD while flying.

Kirk paused for a moment due to the interruption. Then got on the Com. "Scotty meet us at the transporter, set it's coordinates for the Planet eating ship. Mr. Chekov, assemble a boarding team."

Aye-Aye Cap-tain, said Chekov. Chekov spoke over the com. "All doz who lost de last drawink, report to the transporter room, with completed vills, an insurance documents.

A gianst Windows-logo shaped spacecraft arrived in the area-and a horrific image appeared on the viewscreens of those involved.

http://www.42.dropbear.id.au/image/borggates.jpg

"WE ARE BILLGATUS OF MICROSOFT. YOU WILL PURCHASE OUR SOFTWARE. UPGRADES ARE IRRELIVANT."

*Intel inside music plays*

Microsoft adverts began to spew from the cannons of the huge ship.

Oh-No, A Bill Gatus class Borg ship, said Kirk. Mr. Chekov set anti-spamming shields to maxium power.

Aye-Aye Cap-tain, said Chekov.

HEY-HEY, I'M THE SUPER-BEAST! Sang Sulu.

I'm setting up all starfleet cookie burners to counter Borg transmissions. Filter set to maxium security Captain, said Uhuru.

Continue all counter-measures, said Kirk. Spock lets get down to the transporter room.

Aye-Aye Captain said Spock.

WHOOSH

Standing over little transporter circles with the boarding team. Kirk spoke to Scotty who was at the controls. Scotty, you are to take command of the ship in my absence. Beam us down Scotty.

Aye-Aye Captain, said Scotty manipulating the controls.

The boarding party in the transporter began to shimmer as little glittery stars formed over their bodies. The party became more and more transparent until they were finally gone.

Twirling,Twirling,Twirling,Twirling,Pink!

Now its time for me to Beam up, said Scotty picking up a Bottle of Jim Beam from behind the Transporter controls.

A: "Sir, we're being boarded by The Vaxinatorians,"
K: "The who?"
A: "No sir, not The Who, or Dr Who, but the Vaxinatorians. The morphing thingymabobs."
K: "Ah. So what's happening?"
A: "The first wave used swords. So we mowed them down."
Admiral Klack grinned.
A: "But they've got guns of a sort now."
K: "Damn, and it looked like we had the technological advantage over them for a minute...So what's happening?"
A: "They aren't having too much effect. The lightning is slowly melting away the armour, but the circuits are insulated against electronic warfare. But they will soon begin causing serious damage."
K: "Hmm. Break out the force-lances and deploy security teams to all decks. Make sure they're wearing that plastic armour from the tv series that protects the good guys but does nothing for the bad guys."
A: "Erm, okay sir..."
K: "Hmmm" *Klack quickly watches the Andromeda tv series to see if there's anything on the ship that could give him an advantage* "Ah, use the nanobots to kill them as well. And do that trick with the gravity, you know where you localise an intense artificial gravity field to make them stick to the floor"
A: "Sorry sir, in the marginally more realistic package these ships don't come with that."
K: "Dammit. Well, what's in the cargo hold? Surely we've stashed some weapons in those caverns?"
A: "Indeed sir, we have more mechs, another eight to be precise."
K: "well, send them to kill them!"
A: "yes sir."

As Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee continued to take a pounding, security crews began sweeping the ship, carrying force-lances. These weapons fired small plasma bullets as their primary ammo. However, they could also be used as a plasma grenade if need be, and they can be extended automatically to a length of two metres for use in close combat. They also include a user-recognition system to prevent them from falling into the wrong hands.

The ship rocks wildly, the shields failing. Soon the Saucer section seperates and dives for the planet, cutlery section exploding.

"Set cource for France! No one will dare invade such a nation of warriors."

"Uh... aye sir. All decks, prepare for re-entry. Applying extra power to the basting field! Extra-crispy in twenty seconds!"

The ship becomes a fireball as it enters the atmosphere, crashing into Paris minutes later, setting the downtown section on fire.

---------------------

In orbit, a ship that appears to be a 19th century pirate raider powers forward, black solar sails ripped and torn. The crew appeared to skeletal(sp?). A message comes over the radio. "Avast ye scurvy dogs! The Black Pearl is back! Albeit with a few... improvements and a brand spankin' new curse to boot!" The ship seems to be armed with missil tubes along it's length, crew wearing gravity boots on the now metal hull. There was, of course, no space suits. Why would they need any.

A: "Sir, we've destroyed the main part of their ship. The saucer section has crashed into France."
K: "Finally, something blows up! Mwahahahahhahaha! Target France and begin Ortillery bombardment of France, flatten the Frenchies!!"
A: "Commencing. Are you sure you wouldn't rather attack the Vaxinatorians, or the Black Pearl?"
K: "Hell no, I'm using this as an excuse to wipe the French off the face of the planet!"
A: "I'm sure the rest of humanity shall praise you as a hero sir."
K: "Indeed they will. Indeed they will."

Most of the remaining missiles were fired at France. The fighters assumed defensive positions around the ship as it turned it's full attentions to this incredibly important task. Within half an hour the kinetic bombardment would flatten the country.
And probably cause a nucleae winter. But that was an acceptable risk, compared with destroying the French.

By this time the Pakled ship has reached the gravitational pull of the sun.

Hello my children, I am speaking to you now, because you need to alter your course, otherwise... Hey you need to move away now you are getting too close. You're gonna burn up schmucks... Hey turn away already, whats wrong with you guys...

Pakled ship's crew: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Oy! smells like bacon, thats not kosher.

A: "Sir, we're being boarded by The Vaxinatorians,"
K: "The who?"
A: "No sir, not The Who, or Dr Who, but the Vaxinatorians. The morphing thingymabobs."
K: "Ah. So what's happening?"
A: "The first wave used swords. So we mowed them down."
Admiral Klack grinned.
A: "But they've got guns of a sort now."
K: "Damn, and it looked like we had the technological advantage over them for a minute...So what's happening?"
A: "They aren't having too much effect. The lightning is slowly melting away the armour, but the circuits are insulated against electronic warfare. But they will soon begin causing serious damage."
K: "Hmm. Break out the force-lances and deploy security teams to all decks. Make sure they're wearing that plastic armour from the tv series that protects the good guys but does nothing for the bad guys."
A: "Erm, okay sir..."
K: "Hmmm" *Klack quickly watches the Andromeda tv series to see if there's anything on the ship that could give him an advantage* "Ah, use the nanobots to kill them as well. And do that trick with the gravity, you know where you localise an intense artificial gravity field to make them stick to the floor"
A: "Sorry sir, in the marginally more realistic package these ships don't come with that."
K: "Dammit. Well, what's in the cargo hold? Surely we've stashed some weapons in those caverns?"
A: "Indeed sir, we have more mechs, another eight to be precise."
K: "well, send them to kill them!"
A: "yes sir."

As Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee continued to take a pounding, security crews began sweeping the ship, carrying force-lances. These weapons fired small plasma bullets as their primary ammo. However, they could also be used as a plasma grenade if need be, and they can be extended automatically to a length of two metres for use in close combat. They also include a user-recognition system to prevent them from falling into the wrong hands.
"What is taking so long?!"
"We're having a bit of trouble, Mighty One. They have some sort of metal golems or something."
"Must I deal with this myself?!?!"
"No!! Of course not! I'll get right on it, Mighty One."
"You should already be on it!"
------------
The captain advanced into battle, carrying his own rifle (a significantly better one than the others) and wearing his swords sheathed on his belt. Bullets pinged of his strange gray armor as he leaped into the hallway. He fired at the nearest mech; a dart of purple light trailing red sparks shot towards it. The vary fabric of space-time seemed to be twisted by the bolt....
(The Atom-twister Disruption Rifle: a weapon that sends a pulse of energy in a straight line, causing the atoms of everything it hits to rotate in different directions. This breaks all bonds of the effected molecule. When it hits anything more substantial than a gas, the resistance causes the pulse to spatter in a disc-shaped explosion that reduces anything within its field of influence to its atomic components. Standard strength causes a disc three feet in diameter, and a foot thick at its widest point.
This explosion is, as one might guess, purple with red sparkles. It creates no shock wave beyond the field of influence, though it covers that area almost instantly.)

Scotty watched the Enterforaprize-D's destruction. "I kuda fixt tha', boot id wuda takin ay leest a yea'." We kinna sav tha Ennrferapriz-Dee nao Mr. Sulu. Bes tak tha ship to a saf lowca'shen til tha Capt'n calls.

Aye-Aye Mr. Scott, said Sulu, Shud wee hed fer tha Son then?

Nee, Mr. Sulu, jest hol nea' tha Planut Eetr.

Sheelds a' Pha'seers r a' maximn pwr' said Chekov.

Steel jamin tha Borg freequeezy. said Uhuru.

Takin car o' tha eenjurd n Seekbay. Said McCoy over the Com.

http://www.trekkieguy.com/gallery/059.jpg

The Minnowprize boarding party materialized inside the Alien Doomsday Machine. Spock took out his tricorder and activated it, analyzing the readings. (WHIRWHIRWHIRWHIR.) The party stood inside a long dark hallway. The walls were roughly hewn and the floor was damp. Magic Runes dimly lit the...(wait wrong style RP.)

What do your readings show Spock? Asked Kirk.

We seem to be inside of a vessel with an Anti-Proton power source. It is incredibly powerful. The material used in the construction of the vessel's shell is made of neutronium and is therefore impermeable to attack from a single ship. The ships power is piped in that direction where I am also picking up readings of a large life force.

Alright then we follow the same procedure as last time. You two nameless Security types wander off in that direction, everyone else come with me.

Security Soldiers 1&2 Aye-Aye Sir.

Kirk lit a torch (ooo...did it again), turned the flashlight setting on his phaser to light his way and led his party in the direction of the Alien lifeforce.

You know Captain, said Spock. The last time we faced one of these doomsday machines we actually beamed over to the USS Constellation.

Errr, yeah that's what I meant said Kirk. Then we blew up the machine from the inside.

Yes, but we did it by having the Constellation self destruct inside of the device. Noted Spock.

The two nameless Security Soldiers wandered off in the opposite direction of the main boarding party, using the flashlight settings on their phasers to light their way.

Security1: So do we just keep wandering this way or what?
Security2: Yeah, I guess until we find something.
Security1: Well here's something. Looks like a Stair leading down.
Security2: Okay, lets check it out.
Security1: Should we notify the Captain.
Security2: StarFleet regulations say to only use the communicators under life or death situations so as to not clutter the frequencies in case of emergency.
Security1: Kay.
Security1: It's all foggy down here. The walkway looks like a spine.
Security2: Hey! I see something down below us, its covered by the mist. Looks like an egg.
Security1: Well get closer so you can see it better.
Security2: Good idea. Hey it is an egg. There looks like something moving around in the egg when I shine my light on it.
Security1: Get closer and see if you can tell what it is.
Security2: Alright. Hey the top of the egg just popped open like it was a flower or something.
Security1: Get closer and see if it smells like a flower.
Security2: Good idea. I'll just lean over into the eggflower and... AAAAAAAAAAAA!
Security1: ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
Security2:MMPHMPHP!
Security1: IS IT A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION?
Security2:MMMMMPHHMPHMPPH! THUD!
Security1: I'd better check to see whats in these eggs so I can make a full report to the Captain. Lessee, get close to the egg. Yep its opening. Shine light on it. See something moving around. Lean over close to the opening... AAAAAAAAAAAA!

http://us.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0078748/5337_16_13.jpg

The Scottish ship suddenly appears out of hyperspace, refitted with various laser pointers, a full load of nuclear missles, (4) and an armoury full of bolt-action K-98s and battleaxes....

"Ack! Ye tought dat yew culd ignare es!" The captain is informed about the frenchie in the ship over yonder.. "Les talk tew em!"

The archaic intercom cranks up, and Pickhard is immediately shown a bridge full of scottish asses, shaking towards him.

"New den! We are gennae kill ye! Ack! Charge ep de lasars!"

The lasers are charged, and prematurely fired

"Not yet! Crap! Dew I av tew tell yew everytin! Ready de landin party!"

Men with kilts as thier only protection are seated in a cramped boarding craft... they are launched, and attempt to board the enterforaprize-D

A Communications is sent to the Scottish SpaceCraft.

"Thees i' Actin Cappin Scott, o thee Starrr'shep Menno-prz. Yew Dullrd's RRR Atteckin th' wrrrng Sheep. Ach! Tha Frenchie Pickhard wen don en flames a'redy. Queet tr'in ta bord oos, we ha' RRRR sheelds oop. Ye Dolts. If ye wan's te atook sum'thin, atook tha tew beeg sheeps, ova therrrr. I thin thay RRRRR atookin Scootland."

Kirk, Spock at all enter a large room which seems to have only one entrance which rapidly closes behind them.

" I am reading that rather large life force again Captain" says Spock, "In that direction ." he indicates the solid wall.

" Bones, could you..." Asks Kirk

"I'M A DOCTOR NOT A BRICK LAYER!" Shouts McCoy.

" I was only going to ask for an asparin Bones."

Spock, who has been studying the blank wall steps back as a large doorway opens.

"Captain! I can now identify that large life force." Spock declares. " It's Rosey O'Donnel"

"RUN FOR YOU LIVES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" " SHE HASN'T BEEN FED FOR A WEEK!" Kirk orders as he frantically searches the oposite wall for the now closed door.

A disgusting, sucking saliva sound is heard as the Rosie O'Donnel slithers into the chamber.

http://www.chrisrommel.com/Studio%20Caricatures/RosieODonnell.jpg

"SCREW THE LITTLE PEOPLE!" Screams the O'Donnell beast as it uses its greasy body oils to slide into the Death Trap.

I'M GONNA LOSE MY LUNCH! shouts Kirk. PHASERS SET TO "BURN THAT MONSTROSITY TO ASHES!"

4 phasers fire as one at the Jabba the Hut sized O'Donnell creature. It bursts into flames emitting a stench akin to Kerosene mixed with Decayed Meat. PHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"IF TOM CRUISE IS READING THIS CALL ME!" Bellows the O'Donnell monster in agony.

"ITS STILL ALIVE! shouts Kirk. BURN IT SOME MORE!"
PHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"I LOVE BEANIE BABIES!" Screams the O'Donnell crime against nature!
PHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

"ELMO? IS THAT YOU COME TO TAKE ME TO HEAVEN?" The O'Donnell cries out with its last breath before it dies.

GAWD! exclaimed Kirk, if there's anymore like that thing on this vessel, I'm gonna need a stomach pump.

OOC: Erm, The Enterforaprize-D has been blown up already...Along with France... :D :D
IC:
Tweedle-Dee was split in half. Two soldiers beside it were killed instantly by the blast. Tweedle-Dum and the others began thinking it was in their best interests to slowly back away.
Meanwhile, the other security teams began arming themselves with heavier weapons, Admiral Klack himself choosing an automatic rocket launcher. Matt black, with a targetting monocle on the left side and a semi-circular ammunition clip on the other side, with a small red and gold serpent design on the side. Checking the weapon, he noticed a rapid-fire mode. The Vaxinatorians wouldn't be near the bridge for a while, but if they reached it they wouldn't be there for long.
Meanwhile, two plans were drawn up, and the first was put into action. The corridor the Vaxinatorians were advancing down was a small one, so as they approached five force lances were thrown at them, plasma grenade mode activated them. If they didn't kill the Vaxinatorians, they'd at least make them fall through the nice new hole...

OOC: So, how big exactly is that explosion going to be? I need to know that to be able to post its effects....

The occupants of the cucumber shaped ship were now very confused. Six heads were clustered around, peering puzzledly at the sensor screens. "What the feck were they throwing tractors at each other for?" questioned one of them. "Who knows," replied one of the others. Let's ask them," suggested a third. The owner of the second head moved over to the comm unit. "Umm, we don't mean to intrude, but we were wondering if maybe you could tell us exactly why you were throwing tractors at each other just now, if it's not too much trouble." The owner of the first and third heads stood up. I'm bored with this, I'm going to sleep. The other five occupants of the bridge watched as he unsteadily, and with good reason; he had just finished his eight beer in as many minutes, trudged toward the door, collapsed on the floor about 10 feet from it, and passed out in a very uncomfortable looking postion.

OOC:I think I'm reading this right, but the way it was written, it would seem that all the heads were collective, indicating a single body, but each had its own identity. The body would be taken over by each head indicating its predominance over the Collective body. So when the body passed out it equally affected all the heads?

I am still reading a very large lifeform ahead Captain, said Spock.

Alright then Spock lead the way.

Nameless Security1 to Captain. (HACK, COUGH)

Kirk flipped open his communicator. Twirp-Twirp, Twirp.Kirk here.

COUGH, COUGH! I... didn't think...we, were-supposed...to use...names...Captain. (Choke, gag.)

What is your message? Said an irritated Kirk.

HACK-HACK-HACK! Both me and Security2 are in pretty bad shape, Captain. We were attacked by Alien beings.

Tell me about it, said Kirk. We were attacked by Rosie O'Donnell.

Good Lord! I'm glad it wasn't us. (Cough, Choke.)

Return to Minnowprize and Report to Doctor McCoy. Ordered Kirk.

Aye-A...(Retch) Captain. Security1 out.

Captain, I believe I've found the Large Lifeform. Said Spock.

Wow, he's a big one said Kirk. Do you suppose the O'Donnell creature did that to him?

I'm not sure, Captain. Ventured Spock, but from the smell of its breath and the large Cans of Alien Beer lying around on the floor. Logic would dictate the Alien passed out from drinking. The O'Donnell creature may have just been his "Saturday Night thing."

(Kirk inwardly shuddered. Brrrrrr.) We could take over his ship, said Kirk. Use its Planet Destroying Anti-Proton Beam to wipe out those two Alien ships, FOR PICKHARD AND FRANCE! All we have to do is find the Controls. Man this place is a dump. Look at all the Pizza Boxes.

What if the Creature revives itself? Queried Spock.

I have an idea, from my Academy Days, said Kirk.

WITH THE HELP OF SPOCK AND THE TWO SECURITY SOLDIERS, KIRK TOOK A LARGE BOWL FROM THE CABINENT. THE PARTY THEN FILLED IT WITH WATER AND PLACED THE GIANT CREATURES HAND IN IT. FOR GOOD MEASURE THEY ALSO SPRAYED SHAVING CREAM IN HIS SHOES.

Now when it wakes up, the first thing on its mind won't be attacking us. Said Kirk. Help me with the Controls Spock. Security 3&4. Keep your phasers on the Giant.

Aboard the Minnowprize, Chekov spoke. De Planut eeder iss movink Cap-tain Scott.

http://www.trekkieguy.com/gallery/123.jpg

Spock was establishing a Vulcan Mind-Meld with the unconcious multi-headed giant. Yes, I see now, said Spock, we are one. One mind together, your thoughts are my thoughts. We are one.

So how do you run this thing? Asked Kirk.

Drunk, so Drunk... I promised I'd never do this again. Oh man, what a hangover I'm gonna have in the morning. Said the Spock-giant.

Spock! How do I operate this ship?

First, get in the Chair.

Alright, thats better said Kirk, climbing up in the oversize Chair. This isn't gonna work Spock. Its like I'm three years old. I can't even reach the Controls.

Use Phone Book to sit on...

Kirk hopped down and dragged a 3'X4', 2' thick phone book with the Title "Universe Pages," on it over to the Chair. One of the Security Team helped him lift it up to place in the Seat. Kirk climbed back up. From his seat Kirk could see what appeared to be a 3 dimensional Cartesian display. On it was a little yellow smiley face floating in the area of Space indicating the Planet eating ship. Okay Spock, now what?

Use the joystick on the panel to move the ship around...

Kirk moved the joystick to the right. He could feel the ship moving to the right. He moved the joystick left. The ship responded in that direction. He pushed the joystick foward, and the front of the ship dipped down. Okay Spock, how do I give it thrust.

Handle on left gives thrust power. 2 buttons, one on top moves ship foward, one on bottom reverse.

Alright then, said Kirk pushing the upper button, and giving the ship some thrust.

Watch Display with Smiley face, for visual readings...

Kirk could see the little smiley face moving, while making a little noise... WAKKA-WAKKA-WAKKA. He began steering the vessel in the direction of the two fighting Alien ships.

This is Security1&2 to Starship Minnowprize (Cough! Cough!)

Thees i' Capn' Scott, wot I' yerrr mehsage?

We have been attacked by Alien lifeforms, commanded to return to sickbay by Captain Kirk.

Verrrrr-y Wal! Stund bey fer trans'pert. Capn' Scott out.

[code:1:ffbcd10e67]Ships warning. Security1&2 infected. Quarantine Alert.[/code:1:ffbcd10e67]

This is Dr. McCoy Scotty. On my way to the Transporter room.

McCoy hurriedly left the Holodeck, where he was reenacting the movie "Gladiator, as Russell Crowe. http://www.trekkieguy.com/gallery/079.jpg

He took the elevator to the Transport Room. WHOOSH where an engineer was transporting the two infected Security Soldiers back on board. Twinkle,Twinkle,Twinkle,PINK! The two Security Men were standing upright, but their stomachs were large and round. McCoy got on the Comm. "Nurse Chapel prepare Sickbay for 2 patients. Yes, Doctor came the reply McCoy took out his tricorder and took some readings. He spoke to the Security Men. What happened to you?

Security1:We found some eggflowers in the Alien Ship. We investigated and...and... (The security man broke into tears.)

A Hand like creature jumped out and grabbed your face? queried McCoy?

Security2:OUR FACE WE WISH!!! Also breaking down into tears.

Well I have more bad news for you, said McCoy. You're both pregnant. Didn't you two see the videos about using protection when off-ship?

OOC: Silveryminnow, I assume you mean the Vaxinatorians and my ship?
Vax, they're like incredibly tiny nukes. Each will create a ball of plasma with a diameter about twice the size as a normal grenade blast. Obviously the shrapnel won't have any effect because it'll have been incinerated. The only reason five were chucked was in case you shot any guys as they tried to do it, the extras will have a minimal effect on the size of the blast.
IC:
A: "Sir, I earlier detected an energy surge in the smaller federation ship, most likely a transporter. Now one of the alien ships has begun turning towards us, probably for an attack. The alien ships weapons are far more powerful than those on the federation ship, though I beleive that it's crew are behind this."
K: "Hmm. What is your assessment of the weapons on the ship, such as maximum destructive capacity?"
A: "I believe it may be able to destroy a planet."
K: "Really? Okay...Adjust our position slightly, so that we're directly between that thing and Earth. Will you be able to tell when the weapon's going to fire?"
A: "I may be able to tell a fraction of a second before we're destroyed, yes..."
K: "Excellent. Wehn it does so, move us out of the way."
A: "Your groundbreaking tactics astound me, Admiral."
K: "Ah, but that is why I'm in command and you follow orders, my dear AI. If they miss us, they'll blow up Earth, the very thing they're trying to protect!"
A: "You're obviously quite smarter than the average bear."
K: "Indeed."

I remember in Alien High School, there was this female multi-headed giant who was a Cheerleader. She had the locker above and to the left of mine. When she would wear her uniform to school she had a really short skirt. I would put my books to my left, and when I leaned over to pick them up, I could see...

SPOCK! shouted Kirk, snap out of it. I need you to help me with these controls.

Alright Captain...just need a moment to clear my head.

Get up here on the control panel and see if you can find the ship Speaker system.

Spock made his way to the panel. "From what information I got from the Giant, I believe the Speaker system can be activated by pressing this button here." Spock stepped on a button, causing a thin drawer to slide out from the panel.

Since we are dealing with an advanced race, said Kirk, the Giant should have an extensive collection of CD's with recordings from the known Universe.

Indeed he does Captain, replied Spock. What are you looking for?

Find a "Yani," CD, and set it to play on the outside speaker system. Said Kirk.

You are aware that using Yani as a weapon has been outlawed by the Federation Captain? Asked Spock.

Desperate times require desperate measures Spock, said Kirk. Play the CD! Let's see how these invaders like Xylophone music.

Yani's greatest hits blared out into space, as the Doomsday Weapon moved closer to the two ships locked in combat.

A: "Sir, they're broadcasting some awful xylophone music. I'm jamming their frequency."
K: "Counter it with Patrick Moore!"
A: "Patrick Moore (http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/20/) dispatched, sir."

Aboard the Planet Eater, the Awful music war escalated. They've countered with Patrick Moore! Spock! Switch to John Tesh! Keep Kenny G., Michael Bolton and JAMIROQUAI, at the ready!

Kirk opened the Communications link. ATTENTION ALIEN SHIPS. WE HAVE HANSON HERE AND ARE NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.

Captain, you're beginning to frighten me, said Spock.

(OOC: As I read it, there are several people, one or more of which have two heads. Perhaps it's based on Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?)
Aboard the Planet Eater, the Awful music war escalated. They've countered with Patrick Moore! Spock! Switch to John Tesh! Keep Kenny G., Michael Bolton and JAMIROQUAI, at the ready!

Kirk opened the Communications link. ATTENTION ALIEN SHIPS. WE HAVE HANSON HERE AND ARE NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.

Captain, you're beginning to frighten me, said Spock.
A voice thundered in all ships involved in the music war. It did not come over the communicater; it simply came out of clear air.
"You want music?! I'll give you music...
Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!"
It was followed by an eerie chant, and a sound like sticks or bones clacking together rhythmically. It went downhill from there....
(OOC: This is based on a CD I actually have. I brought it into class once, and from that time on it's been referred to as "the Evil Turkey Music." I play it on Halloween, now....)
The three Vaxintorians who were in front were killed instantly when the plasma grenades went off, and the captain was knocked backwards by the explosion. As he struggled to his feet, heat radiating from the front of his armor, he snarled "So that's the way they want to play, is it?"
He tapped a button in his rifle and fired five red spheres of energy at the soldiers who had thrown the grenades. He then switched the weapon to a more slightly more powerful version of the red lightning blaster.
"CHARGE!!"
OOC: Think of the red sphere weapon as a high speed water balloon launcher, except the spheres are filled with very hot liquid fire. They burst on impact, splashing fire on anything nearby... say, within 25 cm or so.

The music isn't working Captain, said Spock.

Alright then, I guess we'll just have to use more conventional methods. We're close enough now I guess. Help me activate the Planet Chunk pulling Tractor beam on this ship, and turn on the Planet devouring machinery.

Aye-Aye Captain, said Spock.

A tractor beam shot out from the Planet eater, locking itself onto the two combatants who, because of their situation could not have shields up to deflect the beam. Sparkles began forming inside the Maw of the Planet eating Doomsday weapon. John Tesh music blared from the speakers.

Meanwhile back on the Minnowprize. The pregnant Security Men had gone into labor and were busy with Lamaze breathing.

BREATHE DAMMIT! Ordered McCoy

Security1&2: PANT-PANT-PANT!

Whats it look like at your end Nurse Chapel? Asked McCoy.

Really Gross, said Nurse Chapel gagging slightly. Wait Doctor I see somethings crowning.

Security 1&2: YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGG!

Serves you two right, said McCoy. Lemmee come down there and have a look. Alright you two keep pushing.

Security 1&2: JUST KILL US!

It will be over soon, lemme just grab this thing, Nurse Chapel you get the other one.

Bleah! said Nurse Chapel.

Suddenly, a huge starship with a sizable hole knocked in it appears, seemingly out of nowhere. It moves around erraticly, like a senior citizen that can't remember what he walked into the room for. It is roughly 3 kilometers long, and shaped a bit like a cucumber. After a moment, a transmission is sent to all the ships in the area.

"Excuse us, but we thought we heard someone broadcasting some old Star Trek episodes, and you see, that's our favorite show and we wanted to come listen. I hope that's all right."

OOC: Diameter of Entry point for ships appears to be 1/5th of length. Plenty big enough for even Kilometer sized ships. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Awaiting your last words.

Slowly a swirl of unkown origin engulfs the entire solar system and on every ship, an image of a man appears.

"Picture if you will... a solar system in turmoil. Several alien ships being blown up, a nation destroyed. Now, to top it all off, these ships will now be thrown into the greatest battle of all time, via the Twilight Zone."

http://www.buyersmls.com/americantv/wacky/twilightzone.jpg

The solar system is literally hurled across the universe, yet no one in it realizes this until the effect fades and the system finds itself on the edge of the known universe. Where matter, antimater, time and everything we know just stops. And it's moving closer to that ever expanding edge of universe. A last message is sent. "Outside this barrier, which you can breach at your own risk, is the true unknown. You may encounter all ten dimensions at once, or groupings of two or three. But be advised... you are from a universe with four dimensions. To enter one with more or less would be fatal."

And to boot, Captian Kirk is no longer with his crew. He is, in fact, on an airliner.

http://www.buyersmls.com/americantv/wacky/kirkplane.jpg

OOC: How's THAT for a twist?!

OOC: sorry I have been offline for a while



(yes my characters are based on HHG)
(Zaphod is the one with 2 heads)

Zaphod Beeblebrox the negative 1st groggily raised his head. "Can someone tell me why this guy with pointy ears is touching me, or am i still passed out?"

He looked around, but the bridge was empty except for two guys in funny tight-fitting uniforms, one of them was attempting to fly the ship, and the other had his hand on Zaphod's forehead. "Where are my friends?"

(Zaphod's companions got bored and went to play pool, but one of them is coming back to check on him)

Jorg (not Jorge) Nidsel walked onto the bridge. "What in the Zarking Fardwarks is going on here?" He pulled his ever-present Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol from his belt and, because he couldn't figure out which posed a bigger threat, pointed it menacingly, although not entirely effectively at a point midway between Kirk and Spock.

OOC: sorry I have been offline for a while

(yes my characters are based on HHG)
(Zaphod is the one with 2 heads)

Zaphod Beeblebrox the negative 1st groggily raised his head. "Can someone tell me why this guy with pointy ears is touching me, or am i still passed out?"

Sorry said Spock. We just needed the use of your ship to save our planet. We intended no harm.

He looked around, but the bridge was empty except for two guys in funny tight-fitting uniforms, one of them was attempting to fly the ship, and the other had his hand on Zaphod's forehead. "Where are my friends?"

Please do not be alarmed.said Spock. You were the only one here when we arrived.
I-am...Captain...James-T...Kirk. This-is-my...Science and First Officer...Spock. The other...two-are...nameless Security...Soldiers. We are from...The Starship...Minnowprize.
Security 3&4:Pleasedtameetcha.
The Captain always talks that way when he's nervous, commented Spock.

(Zaphod's companions got bored and went to play pool, but one of them is coming back to check on him)

Jorg (not Jorge) Nidsel walked onto the bridge. "What in the Zarking Fardwarks is going on here?" He pulled his ever-present Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol from his belt and, because he couldn't figure out which posed a bigger threat, pointed it menacingly, although not entirely effectively at a point midway between Kirk and Spock.

At this point, Crimmonds twilight zone figure appears, and Kirk disappears. Leaving only Spock and the two Fleet security Soldiers

CAPTAIN! Shouts Spock!...Actually I'm not really emotional, so let me repeat that...Captain...

OOC:Sorry I misread your post. (See thread.) I thought it was one body with several individual heads. Will correct now. DARN YOU CRIMMOND! I HAD THEM BOTH COLD, And the little ninja too.

Kirk sat in the seat of an old Prop driven airliner. His clothing was dated from around the era of 1950's. I'm in the 20th Century of Earth History. What the heck was in that John Tesh CD? Kirk looked at the woman seated next to him. Enjoying the flight? Asked Kirk smiling.

The woman looked up at him with beautiful blue eyes, set in her angelic face. Buzz off, Jerk! She said.

All women tell me that so I must not be dreaming.Thought Kirk. He turned his attention to the window looking out onto the wing of the plane. What a crappy seat. Can't see anything but the wing. Oh well, might as well take a nap until the plane lands. I'm not worried, Spock will find me...Good ole Spock...Kirk dreams...in his dream a woman with beautiful blue eyes and a angelic face approaches him. She wraps her arms around his neck, her back arches making her bosom push up slightly...

Kirk's mutterings of, "Oh yeah baby...zzzzz...Daddy likes... makes the woman in the seat next to him get up and move to a different seat.

On board the Minnowprize, Crimmonds extradimensional figure appears before Acting Captain Scott.

"HOOT MON!" says Scott. "Ah've gut tey gib oop drinkin' a'fore Tin."

WHAT THE @#*& IS THAT THING? shouts Sulu.

Ay donno but let's Vaser it, chust n case, says Chekov.

Sulu and Chekov jump to their feet. Phasers pointed at the Dimensional Alien.

You know, said Uhuru, if you phaser it and don't destroy it, you will both probably die horrible, screaming deaths.

Chekov and Sulu look at each other. "I now reulize, I haf ovarstebbed da jane uf commant, says Chekov, du shud vire virst, Kommandr Sulu.

No you, said Sulu.

Ah enzist, said Chekov.

You, said Sulu.

"Hol' yer fahr," commands Scotty. "Well okay if thats what you want us to do," replies Sulu, and Chekov.

"En tha eeevint tha yew rrrr not an efec o a bad hom maid Wheeeski, an sin ever'on eels kin cee ye. Wot ee's ee't ye wan' Speerit?" Asked Scotty.

Crimmonds being delivers its message

Some random corridor in the ship
Three of the soldiers were killed instantly. One of them was merely horribly injured, the fire melting his plastic armour onto his skin, giving him third, fourth and fifth degree burns. As the remaining soldier retreated round the corner, the internal defence guns began firing at the Vaxinatorians. They were firing anti-matter slugs, coated in a shell of neutral matter. This allowed it to pass through gasses without detonating, but when it hit a solid target the coating would dissipate allowing the anti-matter to rip the target apart. The guns were mainly concentrating on the captain and his weapon, as he posed the greatest threat to the security of the ship.

The Bridge
The Twilight zone man appeared on the bridge and talked.
K: "Andromeda, what is that?"
A: "It appears to be a man, from the Twilight Zone."
K: "As I suspected."
A: "It appears the Sol system has been transported to the very edge of the universe. Along with us."
K: "Okay. Let's enter slipstream and get back to Earth."
A: "There's no point, Earth's here too. There's little point in returning to the former location in the Milky Way."
K: "Mmmm...Chocolate..."
A: "Sir?"
K: "Erm...Hmm. What's that theory, the one that goes along the lines of there are an infinite number of universes next to one another, in which every posibility is played out, universes diverging when a descision is taken so that every possibility is played out in one universe or another."
A: "Actually sir, I believe you've got two theories mixed up, the first one about the membraneous universes, new universes being created when two collide, and the other one about the diverging realities."
K: "Ah stuff it. Prepare to breach the barrier and boldly go, where no-one has gone before!!!"

A few minutes Later

As the Golden Star prepared to cross the barrier, something strange began happening. Something very strange indeed.
The fabric of spacetime began distorting, not emanating from the barrier but obviously linked in some way.
A gateway through realities began opening up, and a small red ship came gliding effortlessly through.
"Admiral Klack, Andromeda, this is Commander Ace Rimmer. You don't know me, but I know you. I've come to help you out with a few things."
With that, the ship flew into one of the Goden Stars docking bays and Ace made his way through the bowels of the ship.
Coming upon the remaining Vaxinatorians from behind, he dispatched them with relative ease, slaying them all by shooting his bazookoid from the hip.
As he passed, the dying Vaxinatorians looked upon him, and with their last words, uttered "What a guy...".

http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/deck06/images/image_bank/4-10l.jpg
Ace Rimmer,
General All-Round Hero-Type Guy

OOC: Alternate universes...Couldn't resist throwing in Ace Rimmer, being the Red Dwarf fan I am...
Vax: The guns stopped firing so they wouldn't hit him. If you don't want to lose all your troops, then they could just be some that were down a different corridor.

The Black Pearl turns and comes aside the Golden Star, crew moving around on deck like it was normal to be on a refited raiding ship, cursed to be undead and be traveling through space.

The captian goes below and gets on the radio. "This is the Immortal Captian Jack Sparrow." He pauses as someone else says that has a nice ring to it. "Yes it does, now be quiet. Anyway... we are going to board you and plunder you for any gold or uranium or things of that nature. So, if you'd please give us clearence to dock..."

IF #1: The offer is refused. "Open fire with broadside!" A line of ten missiles launch at the Golden Star.

IF #2: The offer is accepted. "My god... they must be French. You know the French developed mayo." Again that voice speaks up saying how much it enjoys mayo. "Sad thing is that they're all eunuchs. That's why all the men can sing so well." The other voice says something about how that's not right and how he used to date a eunuch. "Um... well... yes. Prepare to board!"

"Captain Sparrow, Immortal as you may be, I think our weapons far outclass yours. Kindly be on your way.
And actually, we don't have any gold or uranium on board anyway, in case you were wondering. It's nothing personal, but we've had quite enough boarders for one day."

As the missiles sped towards the ship, Klack rolled his eyes. Ten missiles from a broadside? Point Defence Lasers quickly vaporised the minor threat.

"Is that all you've got, Sparrow? You are indeed the worst pirate I've ever seen."

Jorg looked around and noticed the two secrity guards, who both had unpleasant looks on their faces and unpleasant looking guns in their hands. "Smeg!" he shouted, and dove for cover behind a largish computer console, firing a shot into the ceiling as he went. Zaphod lay on the floor, still drunk off his ass, but slightly more coherent. "Hey, what hapened to that other guy." Zaphod walks to the manual controls. "Poor guy, he was trying to steer the ship without turning on manual overdrive. Musta given him a heck of a stress headache." Zaphod looks at the navigation screen. "Hmm, that's odd, the Sol system is still here, but all the other stars are gone. Hey planet-saving-dude, where are we?" Al the while Jorg had been yelling a bizzarre combination of threats (directed at the crewmen from the Minnowprize) and begging (asking Zaphod if he would kindly step out of the line of fire) in an attempt to "take control of the situation". It was utterly failing to help him cope with the three, formerly four strange people on his ship, and the disappearance of one of them.

Jorg looked around and noticed the two secrity guards, who both had unpleasant looks on their faces and unpleasant looking guns in their hands. "Smeg!" he shouted, and dove for cover behind a largish computer console, firing a shot into the ceiling as he went. Zaphod lay on the floor, still drunk off his ass, but slightly more coherent. "Hey, what hapened to that other guy." Zaphod walks to the manual controls. "Poor guy, he was trying to steer the ship without turning on manual overdrive. Musta given him a heck of a stress headache." Zaphod looks at the navigation screen. "Hmm, that's odd, the Sol system is still here, but all the other stars are gone. Hey planet-saving-dude, where are we?" Al the while Jorg had been yelling a bizzarre combination of threats (directed at the crewmen from the Minnowprize) and begging (asking Zaphod if he would kindly step out of the line of fire) in an attempt to "take control of the situation". It was utterly failing to help him cope with the three, formerly four strange people on his ship, and the disappearance of one of them.

It would seem that with the disappearance of my Captain, and this being your ship, that we are now at your service "Zaphod." Said Spock. If you would kindly tell your crewman to stop shooting at our Security Soldiers, I would be glad to tell you everything concerning our current situation.

Security3&4: Someone shot at us and missed?

Spock continued, Our ship was responding to a threat to our planet by a Rubiks class Borg vessel. Difficult but not unsolvable. Unfortunately the Energy emissions also drew Alien ships to investigate the scene. Upon seeing the Earth helpless many Alien ships decided to take advantage of the situation to attempt to either invade or destroy the Earth. Our ship was summoned to help fend off the Alien attack. We managed to save our Sun which we now recognize as a sentinent being, but a country on our planet, France, was destroyed. Eliminating many brave, courageous souls from the Earth. On the other hand if they wanted to survive they could have done something besides just die. Captain Pickhard also arrived later and destroyed the Borg ship. Unfortunately two of the Alien ships that had been drawn into the battle were more dangerous than the Borg themselves. One ship named the Golden Star was particularly aggressive, destroying Captain Pickhards Enterforaprize-D Nutz Generation Starship. Fortunately the Feeding frenzy over the Earth caused the Golden Star and a Junky looking but advanced Starship to conflict and combat with each other. The Captain and I had just successfully manuevered your Planet Eater into position to devour both ships, when the Extra-Dimensional Figure showed up, Transporting the Entire solar system to the edge of the Known Universe. In some bizarre Alien twist of humor he seems to have transported our Captain elsewhere. Kay es-say? Reported Spock.

Sparrow sighed. "But you haven't seen me yet.."

While the missiles were being shot at, the crew decided to have a go at it and lept from the deck, grabbing onto the Golden Star's hull and begining to beat on the outer skin, to little avail except causing annoying sounds. One finds a window and commences trying to break it with a wrench.

"I see," said Zaphod, although he didn't. "Hey Jorg, would you mind quitting the yelling and shooting bit, it's really not helping my hangover any."
"But there are intruders on the ship! I have to shoot them!"
"Yeah, well they were just using it to save their planet and all so if you wouldn't mind shoving off please, oh, and go get the others, where are they anyhow?"
"They're in one of the game rooms, playing pool."
"Well go get them please."
"But. ."
"Just go!"

Jorg moodily stands up and holsters his gun, he then stomps off the bridge toward the game room muttering something about authority and drunkeness and their incompatibility.

Zaphod turns to his guests. "So what can I do for you guys, wait, hang on a second." He runs over to a wastebasket and empties about half the contents of his stomach into it. "Okay, no wait, almost done." After another brief pause, Zaphod's stomach was completely empty. He turns to his guests and tries again. "So what can I do for you guys?"

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/transcripts/2612time.html, http://members.tripod.com/wmhxbigguy/Theory/time.html, http://www.msfc.nasa.gov/NEWSROOM/news/releases/2000/00-023.html

Well Zaphod, let me bounce this logical explaination of our current situation off you, and give me your opinion of what we should do. We'll run this flag up the pole and see who salutes. Said Spock.

First, said Spock, the nature of the Universe is balanced by gravity. All Stars are in the gravitational field of each other. Thus a being that has the power to move our entire Solar system is capable of destroying the Universe, as the removal of our Sun from the equilibrium would throw the rest of the Universe into chaos. So, it is my theory that our Solar System did not move, but rather we and perhaps all the other alien ships did move through a dimensional portal or wormhole in the quantum froth. Since such an action would require that we be moving at the speed of light, time could be manipulated. WE DID NOT MOVE IN SYCHRONIZATION WITH TIME, WE MOVED BACK IN TIME. I support my theory with the fact that the Solar system is in fact on the edge of the know universe, this would relate with the expansion and formation of the Universe during the Big Bang, which Earth Scientist's believe did not occur as a singular Big Bang, but in fact several smaller ones, each taking its place in the gravitational equilibrium.

You mentioned you had a poolroom Zaphod? Could I illustrate a point there? Asked Spock. (OOC: just need your characters compliance for a sec.)

IC: Sure, said Zaphod, this way. Amused by the ramblings of the Alien creature.

Hold me up to the Pool Table please, thank you said Spock. Now, Imagine the pockets of this pool table are the mouths of a wormhole time machine. In this case I have only one billiard ball and I send that billiard ball into this mouth of the wormhole and it will then come out of that mouth before it entered this mouth, hit itself and prevent itself from going into the first mouth. Voila, (part of my human side is french,) a paradox. It's the billiard ball version of going back in time and changing history. Having developed simple versions of the paradox, we then set about trying to figure out how to solve these. How will the laws of physics behave if time machines are permitted? In searching for a resolution of the paradox we were led by a principle introduced by Igor Novikov, which said that nature will only allow those behaviors that are absolutely self-consistent. Relativity theory says in general that once you've made a time machine you can never use it to go backward in time before the period when it was made. There is no way I can use it to travel back to the age of the dinosaurs or even back to the time of my own birth because I didn't make the time machine until recently. However Relativity for an Advanced Race could, according to the Rate of expansion of the Universe could have created a time machine at the Earths beginnings. That race and its time machine are somewhere in this Universe. What I would like your help with is to first find our own ship, the Time Machine, and then our Captain. In that order if possible.

I postulate the theory for why our ships are no longer in their original positions as the effects of deceleration in accordance with time relativity to the speed of light. Each ship re-entered Space in accordance with its positioning to its proximity to the Time travel effect. I would also speculate that the being began Captain Kirks deceleration sooner causing him to appear in what would be the future of our solar system. What we saw of him was the after image. (which is something Im not going to get into right now. I.E. object occupying two points in time and space.)

You can put me down now please Zaphod, asked Spock.

In the Sickbay of the StarShip Minnowprize.

Security1&2: GET IT OUT! IT FEELS LIKE WE'VE BEEN PUSHING FOR ETERNITY!

What a couple of crybabies, said McCoy. Alright here it comes... OMIGAWD WHAT IN THE NAME OF HEHSOOS H. CHRISTOS!

Nurse Chapel: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! BLBLAAAAAAAAAARGGG!

I'M COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET!

Nurse Chapel don't faint on me now. Get your phaser out and set it on stun! Don't let those Rosie O'Donnells escape!

Security 1&2:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WE'RE IN H*LL!

Dr. McCoy: Stay still you little...PHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Dr. Chapel quit puking! They're using it to slide across the floor. Who decided to put linoleum in the Sickbay?

Nurse Chapel: I can't Doctor, they're just so digusting... I'M, I'M, gonna BLAAAAAAAAAARRRPHGAAAAAAA!

Security 1&2:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Nurse Chapel: Doctor the Venilation Duct! BLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHGG, HERK!

ONLY POLICEMEN AND SOLDIERS SHOULD HAVE GUNS

Dr.McCoy: DANGNABIT! They got in the Ducts.

(for yet more future reference, my characters are normal sized people, not giants :wink: )

Zaphod stared blankly at Spock for a moment. "Yeah, that's what I thought it was too. Let me introduce you to the rest of the bridge crew here: Jorg Nidsel, whom you've already met, is our Security Officer and Weapons Cheif, Zak Anton is our Navigation Officer, Finch, he's only got one name, is the Executive Officer, Tiana Parles is our Communications Officer and Translator, Tarik Von is our Sensor Officer, I am the Captain, and last and least, it gives me great displeasure to introduce you to Eddie, the Shipboard Computer."
"Hi there," spouted a sickeningly pleasant voice, "I hope you're having a great day and..." The computer was abruptly cut off by the violent mashing of a blue button by Finch. "I hate that bastard," he growled, "always so damn cheerful."

Howdoyado, much handshaking all around.

Now, said Spock shall we get down to business? I have already arrived at two of our solutions. While our ship probably has entered this primitive solar system, as well as the other alien ships. We haven't all appeared at the relative same time. Close to each other no doubt, but it could be a difference of either seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc. but certainly inside of a year. Communication with our ship should be possible as we have developed faster than light communications for our vessels. Transmissions aimed to the frequencies of our ships communications, could also be aimed to the frequency of our Captains communicator. The problem is time. Our wave bands will begin to disperse after a certain distance. You aid in allowing us to Tap into your anti-proton power source would be most helpful, as I intend to send a transmission powerful enough to span 1000's of millenia. With your permission, I would enlist the aid of your communications officer Tiana Parles, if that is alright with you both?

Perhaps "Tarik Von," could work on discovering any "Created," Electromagnetic fluxes powerful enough to create the necessary vaccum for a wormhole?" I also have a confession to make. Our boarding crew was forced to destroy a Rosie ODonnell that attacked us. I hope that this is not too great a consequence?

Meanwhile Kirk who had been napping on a 1950's airliner was awakened by a sickening jump by the plane, followed by a bright flash of lightning. A loud Thunder immediately followed. Kirk snapped awake and immediately froze; the rain ran down the thick leaves of the jungle vegetation. He was wet from head to foot, lying in the Pana-namanian mud, trying to look into the darkness for his enemy. A familiar voice spoke to him from nearby, he could not see him, but he knew that it was the voice of his now long dead friend, Finnegan.

"Silence yerself laddie, whispered Finnegan, or the Pan-namites will be havin ye liddle potato's on a Pladder."

"Yeah, and when they serve your potato's up Finnegan, I'm gonna send a thank-you letter to your U.N. President Bushton, retorted Kirk, for lining his pockets with drug money, and then sending the Federation army to capture Noriega Chi Mihn to keep him from spilling the beans."

"Shhh Laddie, all this talk o' beans and potato's is mekin me hongry." Kirk could visualize Finnegan grinning in the darkness. "Wot I came to tell ye is me toon is gonna move ferwerd a couple o hundred meters, so let yer toon know so's they won't wet themselves when we move."

"Try not to trip on your reproductive organs when your moving Finnegan."

"Oop yers, Kirk."

The chirping of his communicator brought Kirk out of his flashback. He removed his communicator and spoke, "Kirk here."

Captain, said Spock, I'm glad we found you.

I'm glad you found me too, said Kirk. Beam me aboard on my command, Scotty.

Aye Captain, replied Mr. Scott.

Kirk got up and went to the restroom. Beam me up Scotty. Sparkles covered his body and he grew gradually transparent until he disappeared.

Spock and Dr.McCoy were waiting for him when he arrived on board. Welcome back Captain.

I was beginning to think I'd never see either of you again, said Kirk. So fill me in, what happened to the Planet eating ship and the Aliens.

In their own time Captain, said Spock. And...said McCoy we managed to get some Rosie ODonnells transported to the Golden Star. We will now use the same method to return to our own time that we used for the giants.

Perhaps you can explain it to me after I've changed back into my uniform, and returned to the bridge said Kirk.

Actually Captain when logic was applied to the situation it became very easy...

I'll hear it later Spock, said Kirk. I'm kinda tired now.

Yes we humans aren't like the cold logical machines you Vulcan's seem to prefer.

Dr. McCoy, said Spock holding up his hand, read between the lines.

Kirk:HAHAHAHAHA!

[code:1:dec1fc4b55]Captains Log, Stardate 2275

Thanks to Science Officer Spocks capture of the Alien Time machine, we have returned to the correct location of our Space and Time. I would like to commend Spock for his actions in the capture of said time machine, as according to his report was an extremely dangerous mission that required all of his resources as well as those of the alien beings that befriended our boarding party. I am also recommending Posthumous commendations for Starfleet Security Soldiers 3&4. The full diagrams of the Time machine and information about the creatures we have encountered are being sent by scrambled High Priority Triple classified your eyes only communication. I am sure that they will provide great service to the SilveryMinnow Federation. That is all Starfleet Captain James T. Kirk reporting. [/code:1:dec1fc4b55]

Some random corridor in the ship
Three of the soldiers were killed instantly. One of them was merely horribly injured, the fire melting his plastic armour onto his skin, giving him third, fourth and fifth degree burns. As the remaining soldier retreated round the corner, the internal defence guns began firing at the Vaxinatorians. They were firing anti-matter slugs, coated in a shell of neutral matter. This allowed it to pass through gasses without detonating, but when it hit a solid target the coating would dissipate allowing the anti-matter to rip the target apart. The guns were mainly concentrating on the captain and his weapon, as he posed the greatest threat to the security of the ship.

A few minutes Later

As the Golden Star prepared to cross the barrier, something strange began happening. Something very strange indeed.
The fabric of spacetime began distorting, not emanating from the barrier but obviously linked in some way.
A gateway through realities began opening up, and a small red ship came gliding effortlessly through.
"Admiral Klack, Andromeda, this is Commander Ace Rimmer. You don't know me, but I know you. I've come to help you out with a few things."
With that, the ship flew into one of the Goden Stars docking bays and Ace made his way through the bowels of the ship.
Coming upon the remaining Vaxinatorians from behind, he dispatched them with relative ease, slaying them all by shooting his bazookoid from the hip.
As he passed, the dying Vaxinatorians looked upon him, and with their last words, uttered "What a guy...".

(pic)
Ace Rimmer,
General All-Round Hero-Type Guy

OOC: Alternate universes...Couldn't resist throwing in Ace Rimmer, being the Red Dwarf fan I am...
Vax: The guns stopped firing so they wouldn't hit him. If you don't want to lose all your troops, then they could just be some that were down a different corridor.
OOC: Eh, it gives me an excuse to bring in my D'zukaru. I'll just save the Captain; not all of the Vaxintorians were on the ship yet.
IC: (the infamous) Purple light shimmered around the Vaxintorian captain, and he found himself back in the command center of his craft.
"What happened?" he stammered.
"I saved your worthless life. You are still of some use to me.... Those still on that ship are dead. I sensed their doom and removed you. It seems I will have to take personal action after all...."
"As you command. Uh... thank you, Mighty One."
"I would not want the effort I put into your equipment wasted. Come! It is time for us to truly begin this fight."
------------
The D'zukaru, in the form of a rather arachnoid looking creature with four arms and four legs, followed the Captain down the battered corridor. It revived the bodies that were least damaged, and, with these troops added to those who had still been on the Vaxintorian vessel, advanced deeper into the Golden Star. As the security guns opened fire, the D'zukaru flung out one hand... a wave of force sent the anti-matter bullets slamming back toward the weapons that had fired them. The war band continued on, the lights dimming and turning red ahead of them....

The D'zukaru, in the form of a rather arachnoid looking creature with four arms and four legs, followed the Captain down the battered corridor. It revived the bodies that were least damaged, and, with these troops added to those who had still been on the Vaxintorian vessel, advanced deeper into the Golden Star. As the security guns opened fire, the D'zukaru flung out one hand... a wave of force sent the anti-matter bullets slamming back toward the weapons that had fired them. The war band continued on, the lights dimming and turning red ahead of them....

8 Angry Rosie ODonnell's wearing T-shirts with the words "Your Girlfriend," written on them materialized behind the Vaxintorian boarding crew.
I don't care if you want to hunt, I don't care if you think it's your right. I say, sorry, you are not allowed to own a gun, and if you do own a gun I think you should go to prison, screamed the ODonnells as they began to slide with a gurgling sucking sound along the floor, walls and ceiling toward the Vaxintorian's.

As the internal defences were vaporised, Andromeda, the Admiral and Ace Rimmer watched on the screen as the Rosie O'Donnels and the Vaxinatorians encountered one another.

Ace: "Look, the thing that just came aboard is more powerful than anything that's been sent before."
K: "The slithering fat annoying...things?"
Ace: "No, the giant arachnid thing. The only way to defeat it is to remove it's powers."
K: "And we do that...how?"
Ace: "It's very simple. Well, actually it's not, but I'm sure your stunningly gorgeous Ai of a computer will get the gist of it. What you have to do is to go to another universe, in which slightly different laws apply. I've already got a universe in mind, number 42. Normally, you wouldn't be able to get there. However, with the edge of existence in close proximity and modifications to your slipstream drive based on the technology in my ship, it should be do-able. However, the exotic matter core of your slipstream will become unstable under the laws of the other universe. You'll have about a minute in which to kill the thing and get back to this universe. Otherwise the slipstream core will collapse into a black hole. You could try detonating a nova bomb to plug it, but either way you're dead."
K: "So, what you're saying is..."
A: "If we don't do it we're dead. If we do do it, we're probably dead."
Ace: "Yes. I'll have my ship transfer the modification data to you now."
A: "Already got it. Modifications have already begun."
K: "Dead if we don't, probably dead if we do...I like those odds!"

8 Angry Rosie ODonnell's wearing T-shirts with the words "Your Girlfriend," written on them materialized behind the Vaxintorian boarding crew.
I don't care if you want to hunt, I don't care if you think it's your right. I say, sorry, you are not allowed to own a gun, and if you do own a gun I think you should go to prison, screamed the ODonnells as they began to slide with a gurgling sucking sound along the floor, walls and ceiling toward the Vaxintorian's.
The D'zukaru didn't even turn around; it simply snapped its fingers. A wall of fire hot enough to vaporize stone blocked the corridor behind the Vaxintorian soldiers, quickly moving back.
"I do not need... guns." snarled the monster. "However, I grow impatient. Let us move!"
The creature held up one of its four hands, and purple lightning flashed through the circuits of The Golden Star. Instantly, everything stopped. The lights went out, the screens turned off, and even the computer that ran the ship was powered down. The craft wasn't damaged in any way... just deactivated. No electronic device on board would operate until the Vaxintorians and their leader decided to release it... or until the D'zukaru was dead.
The boarding party continued deeper into the ship, moving more quickly now.

OOC: I was going to turn everything off when the D'zukaru first entered, but I forgot when I brought that part of the plan forward. Don't worry; you can still escape, and victory is possible. The D'zukaru aren't invincible, though they're very tough; it can be fought.

Two of the ODonnells were caught in the Flames. Their Oily Skins easily igniting, the ODonnell creatures were soon engulfed in flames. The resulting pressure of being cooked alive caused their gelatinous organs to burst. The pieces pitting the ships corridor as the natural acidity of the ODonnell physiology melted through the metal.

It's much healthier to be overweight than to smoke! The remaining ODonnells screamed. Kept at bay by the flames, they began dragging pieces of the two blasted ODonnells into a pile which began to melt through the floor.

Transmission from the Starship Heart of Brass to starship Minnowprize:
If you killed that O'Donnell freak, you did us a huge favor, we've been trying to get rid of it for weeks, it kept giving our service robots makeovers, and, as I'm sure you saw, it blasted a huge hole in our ship. We're glad we wre able to help you get your captain back, next time, just tell Jorg you're friends before beaming aboard.
Transmission ends.

Transmission from the Starship Heart of Brass to starship Minnowprize:
If you killed that O'Donnell freak, you did us a huge favor, we've been trying to get rid of it for weeks, it kept giving our service robots makeovers, and, as I'm sure you saw, it blasted a huge hole in our ship. We're glad we wre able to help you get your captain back, next time, just tell Jorg you're friends before beaming aboard.
Transmission ends.

Transmission recieved. Courtesies will be offered when encountered. Your civilization placed under classification "Friendly Race."

Meanwhile, two plans were drawn up, and the first was put into action. The corridor the Vaxinatorians were advancing down was a small one, so as they approached five force lances were thrown at them, plasma grenade mode activated them. If they didn't kill the Vaxinatorians, they'd at least make them fall through the nice new hole...

The ODonnells moved back away from the hole and flattened their bodies against each other to brace themselves in the corridor. The ODonnells waited for the inevitable penetration of the outer hull by the leaking remains they had placed in a pile. The ODonnells were good at ambush, just ask Tom Selleck.

Knowing they would never pass through the hallway as a fire hot enough to vaporize rock would also set fire to metal. The ODonnells waited for the puncture of the hull to create two effects. First it would deny the Fire oxygen, and second it would become a very powerful vaccuum, drawing anything not braced against it with the force of pressure inside the ship. In a narrow corridor it would act just like a wind tunnel. The ODonnells sought to counter act this by their combined mass and surface area.

The sensors on the Heart of Brass began to pick up some of the modifications being done on the Golden Star. (it is the Golden Star correct?) "Hey Zaphod," called Tarik, "looks like these guys are prepping for a transdimensional jump."
"Where, are they going?"
"Looks like Universe 42."
"Ooh! My favorite number! Let's go with them. Maybe we can help them with the the whole Slipstream Core collapse and subsequent death and all around bad day it causes."
"I could probably find a way to extend the improbability field to cover their ship as well."
"You and Zak work on getting us and them there and back again in one piece."
"On it cap."

Transmission from starship Heart of Brass to starship Golden Star (or whoever):
We have detected your preparations to make a transdimensional jump to universe 42. We believe we can help you make this ump and return safely by extending the improbability field created by our ship's main drive. We just have to figure out exactly how improbable it is that both of our ships will simultaneously jump to that universe, and then jump back the instant before the slipstream core collapses. We should have a number in about 10-15 minutes. If you're interested in our help, please reply.
Transmission ends

Finch cringed as he thought of his next task. "Hey Eddie," he grunted.
"Hi there Finch, I know that there's something I can do to make your day more enjoyable."
"Yeah, yeah, shut up and work me out an improbablility figure for what we want to do."
"Okay okay, i'll have it for you in 13 minutes 42 seconds."

OOC: Dammit! Lost my post again!
I'll summarise it 'cos I'm not retyping it:
Squorn: Ace Rimmer asks if you can use an improbability field to stop the exotic matter core exploding, so they can have more time to kill the thing and then you could explore the universe. It's safe except for the giant floating hamsters, who can chew through metal like marshmallows.
Incidentally, the other strange thing about universe 42 is that all the stars are made from marshmallows...
The O'Donnells acidic blood is eating through the hull, and has cut a smiley-face shaped hole through several decks, but it hasn't reached the outer hull yet, and it won't while artificial gravity's down.
Nothing's impeding the progress of the Vaxinatorians, except the physically locked doors.

Zaphod listed to the incoming transmission. "Okay, we're gonna use the improbability drive to prevent the exotic matter core from exploding after they make the jump. You guys ready with the numbers?"
"Everything is going just great guys, it really couldn't be better," burbled Eddie.
"That's just wonderful, now keep it to yourself."
An idea crept slowly into Zaphod's mind, ideas weren't usually very welcome there, unless they involved large amounts of alchohol. He pushed a button on his comm unit. "Say, Rimmer, you wouldn't happen to have Kryten the cleaning mechnoid over there would you? I'll bet he could help with that acidic O'donnel guts problem."

Due to the loss of everything but the basic life support systems, the fire eventually burned down. This didn't bother the ODonnells as they were capable of trapping oxygen in their flesh, in order to talk continuously without taking a breath.

Wheres my Kushie? Growled the ODonnells as they squeezed their way through the hole to another deck.

OOC: Dammit! Lost my post again!
I'll summarise it 'cos I'm not retyping it:
Squorn: Ace Rimmer asks if you can use an improbability field to stop the exotic matter core exploding, so they can have more time to kill the thing and then you could explore the universe. It's safe except for the giant floating hamsters, who can chew through metal like marshmallows.
Incidentally, the other strange thing about universe 42 is that all the stars are made from marshmallows...
The O'Donnells acidic blood is eating through the hull, and has cut a smiley-face shaped hole through several decks, but it hasn't reached the outer hull yet, and it won't while artificial gravity's down.
Nothing's impeding the progress of the Vaxinatorians, except the physically locked doors.
OOC: How are you communicating with them? Your radio is out....
IC: The Vaxintorians continue into the ship, blasting doors out of the way with gunfire.

The ODonnell's made their way along the ceiling through the darkness, using their highly developed sense of smell to seek out prey they might encounter while moving on their hunt. They used their shell like ears to follow the Vaxinatorians explosions on the deck above them. Behind them, they left a slimy, dripping trail.

The ODonnells would not let such delicious looking prey escape them.

A small bell rang inside the Heart of Brass. "I have the numbers ready for the improbability field," chirped Eddie.
"Okay, now shut up and get ready to hit the switch when we tell you."

Trasmission to Golden Star
We are ready to engage our improbability field. Please signal us when you are going to make the jump, prepare yourselves for extreme wierdness.
Transmission ends

OOC: Where'd everybody go?

The ODonnells managed to sneak up on the Vaxinatorians in their Confusion.

YOU'RE A CUTIE PATOOTIE! Screamed the ODonnell as it enveloped a Vaxinatorian in its folds of flesh.

OOC: Where'd everybody go?

good question.

The Rosie ODonnells ate everything organic, and some inorganic matter that just looked tasty aboard the Golden Star. Lying together in the hanger of the ship, they digested their meal while belching huge volumes of gas, and rubbing their stomachs. Although the Ship Golden Star now drifted in space the ODonnells knew there would be other visitors, and that when they arrived, the Overweight Lesbian Talk show Hostesses would be waiting.

THE END.

The Rosie ODonnells ate everything organic, and some inorganic matter that just looked tasty aboard the Golden Star. Lying together in the hanger of the ship, they digested their meal while belching huge volumes of gas, and rubbing their stomachs. Although the Ship Golden Star now drifted in space the ODonnells knew there would be other visitors, and that when they arrived, the Overweight Lesbian Talk show Hostesses would be waiting.

THE END.

Not Quite "THE END"

After waiting a while, Zaphod decided that whatever had been going to happen wasn't, in all actuality, boing to happen after all. He punched in some new numbers and said, "Hey Eddie, forget these guys, we're going for breakfast at Milliways, The Restaurant at the end of the Universe."
"Sure thing," replied Eddie.
The Infinite Improbability Drive kicked in, and Heart of Brass zipped halfway across the universe and roughly 27 octillion years into the future. As a minor side effect, the Golden Star and everything in it was spontaneously transformed into a plate of spaghetti, which slowly spun off through space, wondering what the hell was going on.

THE END