NationStates Jolt Archive

<OOC>I spent the weekend trying to post a lovely gambling thread for WC12, and it all came to nought thanks to my ongoing problems with the forums. So I'm writing a new one (the old one already being out-of-date), and hopefully it'll be 1/4 as fun, 'cause the original was going to be so damned fun it'd make you pee yourself. Truly.

This will be an IC thread, so if you'de like to participate, create a character (or several), lay down your bets, collect your winnings, or go home a sad loser. Either way, it's loads o' fun!</OOC>

Live from Lemmington, this is Betting Line Weekly on the Lemmitanian Broadcasting Company! I'm your host, Moe Lemsler, and no my suit isn't on fire. It's Ultrasvede <tm>. I wish you people would stop asking me that, and when I say you people, I mean all you viewers at home. You know I can't hear what you're screaming at the TV, right? I'm talking to you Gilmeecians when I ask that.

All right, all right, all righty, then. What's the buzzword of the day? World Cup Fever, my friends. It's highly contagious and it killed off the population of Brazillico once, long long ago, and then they were resurrected as Zombies and they're back again to play football and that's what we're gonna bet on! You're damn straight.

So in just a moment I'm gonna slather a whole passel of odds on you twitchy-fingered bastards, but first I'd just like to remind you all that you can place your bets in the currecny of your choice, so long as your currency of choice is the lemming, and you can do it in my Magic gambling thread. That one right down there.

And now, without further ado, let's take a look at the Big Board:
[code:1:738d6140e1]Pre-tournament odds on winning the Whole Shebang

Europa Brittania 3:2
Giant Zucchini 3:1
Warnocks Wizards 3:1
Audioslavia 5:1
Rejistania 8:1
Kaze Progressa 8:1
Lemmitania 10:1
New Montreal States 10:1
Commerce Heights 20:1
Aquilla 100:1
Tanah Burung 10,000:1
[/code:1:738d6140e1]

Don't those odds just make you start salivating at the thought of all that cold, hard cash pumping into your wallet if you pick the winner and it happens to be Tanah Burung? Oh, yeah, baby.

Now, of course those are just a small sampling of the huge truckload of beautiful odds we have on hand for your little addicted needs. If you want the odds on any other nation in qualifying, you just ask Old Moe and he'll be happy to quote you a number. And of course, we'll be back on the air before the first qualifying match with odds on all the most attractive matchups.

Well, we're about out of time for this week. So come one, come all. Lay your money down. The lemming's currently trading at 22 American cents, and you can't do much better than that.

Hubert Golaso, formerly the Gambling Wonder Child of World Cup 4 and 5 who could pick matches with ease, sits in The Master Cooper, the shattered pieces of the professional gambler he used to be. You would hardly recognise the former lovable little slag now, with his Grizzly Adams-like beard, rather large carriage and about eleven empty beer bottles staring right at him. He sits propped on the stool, holding his twelfth in hand, watching Betting Line Weekly hosted by the loveable Moe Lemsler.

Hubert: I could pick 'em like a pro before he was even born.

Mike the Barman: Right ya souse, who do you think is gonna win it all this go around.

Hubert tried to fix his eyes on the television screen and concentrate on Mel's mumbling long enough to get a feel for the odds. He swayed back and forth, trying to read the odds off the big board... Europa Britannia 3:2... Rejistania 8:1... Tanah Burung 10000:1.

Mike the Barman: Damn, 10,000:1... that's almost worth putting down a few Lemmings on.

Hubert: Notta chance, they'll never win... not in Lemmitania. They do make a damn good brew though *Holds up his 3B and admires the label*.

Mike the Barman: So Hubie, who do you like to win it all?

The entire bar quiets down to see in Hubert will perhaps to be able to pick another one right once more, to see if the Gambling Wonder Child still lives within. Hubert wobbles a little and takes a sip of his Burung Bud Brew and looks up at the board which has been put up at The Master Cooper.

Hubert: At 5-1, I fancy Audioslavia has a good chance of winning.

The bar erupts in laughter, as everyone knows Audioslavia hasn't made it past to the quarter-finals in a long while.

Random Drunk: AUDIOSLAVIA! You've really lost it Hubie!

Mike the Barman: Don't let them pull you down, Hubie. But you know, feel free to bet as much as you want, as long as you do it with me.

*In Parliment building*

Alan Belmore: So, Minister for Sport, Do you have some more bets for me?

Minister for Sport: Yes, for the World Cup.

Alan Belmore:OK, One Trillion on us.

MfS: Sir, that is 1/12 of our budget.

AB:Yes, I know.

MfS: OK. *Looks Down Sheet* Ahem, sir, they seem to have made an error and not added our name.

AB: WHAT? Ring them up and inform them of their error.

Back in the Master Cooper, Payney and Phil, two of the Master Cooper's touring party, are sitting in the corner. As everyone gets back t owhat they were doing, Payney shouts over, "Hey Mike, we'll have some of your spare lemmings! Put this on Lemmitania" (and hands over five NCD groats, which is about 47 lemmings)

Mike the Barman: "OK, anyone else?"

Payney: "Are you going to have one, Phil?"

Phil: "But... oh, I don't know..."

Mike the Barman: "Ah, go on..."

Phil: "OK, I'll put five groats on..." *looks down the list* "...well, the best name looks like... um... Aquilla."

Mike the Barman: "You don't half give give ya money away... are you sure you don't want to put any more on?"

Phil: "But I might lose."

Payney: "You're going to lose anyway. Next you'll be putting five groats on Abysmalistan to qualify!"

Phil: "How much is that, like?"

Mike: "I'll give you a thousand to one for it"

Phil: "Sounds good to me."

*At which point, all the people within listening distance put their hands to their heads, giggling and pretending they haven't heard him*

Many people have complained of annoyance at the sound of your words, my young friend, but you still have a decent football side.

Let's take a look at the board and see where TBF stand:
[code:1:cc676e9eb2]Pre-tournament odds of winning the Whole Shebang:

The Belmore Family 8:1

[/code:1:cc676e9eb2]

-Moe

I'll take those odds on Abysmalistan to qualify!

[code:1:528cd237e0]Bets recorded so far:

Name Homeland Wager On Odds
Payney TMC 47 lm Lemmitania 10:1
Phil TMC 5 lm Aquilla 100:1
[/code:1:528cd237e0]

-Moe

Location: South Hetkali, a few bored college students drink like tomorrow booze will be taxed twice as high. Someone has the idea to tune in the TV. They recieve some foreign stations and normally just like to make fun of the strange sound of the foreign languages.

Jari Dary: Hey, ' guess i's some kinda betting show?

Hete Hetka: Looks like it. Ya see, odds for the cup!

Jari: 10:1 for Tanah?

Hete: Nah, i's 10 thousand:1 for them.

Jari: Slani. I'll never get used to this strange sign for thousand!

Isren Risa (from the kitchen): No beer 'nymore!

Hete: Slani, I guess you're as broken as me?

Jari: Le's bet on Tanah! ' will give a high amount 'n case we win!

Hete: Ya slani!

Jari: So what?

Hete: Never ya'll do it!

Jari: ' course I'll do it!
(picks up the phone and places a twenty lemming bet on TB)

Hete: Ya're slani, tha's 5000 lileks!

Jari: ' don't care, I am broke 'nyways.

IFA Unnamed Mass: Where are the odds for TnUI to lose all 3 of their first round matchs, get knocked out in the second round by 3 goals or not qualify?

Shadowy Figure: I need a better name.

IFA Unnamed Mass: Just get on with it and answer my question so we can get out of here.

Shadowy Figure: I dunno, but that covers the last 6 World Cups.

IFA Unnamed Mass: Cut! That'll do, lets go pick up some chicks.

Hmmm....okay...so here's a chance to make a few shiny rocks...oh, damn, what's the conversion rate of shiny rocks to lemmings...

While we're at it...odds on Gormith even scoring a goal in qualifying.

The Jovial Jackalope, a popular pub in Brazillico's northwest is still trying to find the preliminary odds on the topic of which team will win Group 11?

"Ya think ya could help us out, Mel?" asked the barman and ex-Chili Bat Pepe, after having found a new job since his playing career has gone down the shitter.

Out of curiosity, what are Kingsford's odds?

Despite the advice of the Minister for Sport, Leisure, Arts and Dossing About (OOC: and a fight with the forums), the NCD Minister for Lost Things (MfLT) has decided that he will place a million lemmings on the Druids to come home with the world cup. Not only will he live up to his name by losing his money (around 10,500NCDgroats), it is likely that he will lose the respect of everyone he knows for commiting such a foolish act.

Bets US$10 million on Tanah Burung...

heh - where's us? We *did* once win, you know...

heh - where's us? We *did* once win, you know...

...don't we know... :P

heh - where's us? We *did* once win, you know...

Really? That's news to me. Calling yourself the "Former Champs" more than Liverpool England in your RPs never gave me any inclination.

<OOC>Apologies for my inattention to this thread. I've actually composed a couple of posts, and then been unable to post them-- I'm having a lot of trouble getting on the forums from home.</OOC>

Well, I've had a whole slew of odds requests, and that's what I like. First off, we'll grant the wishes of all you foreigners who want to know what I'm giving your team. So let's take a look at the Big Board...

[code:1:f3da6ccce6]Odds on Total n Utter Insanity to qualify 1:1
Odds on Total n Utter Insanity to to make the second round 3:1
Odds on Total n Utter Insanity to make the quarterfinals 8:1

Odds on Gormith to score a goal 1:100
Odds on Gormith to qualify 25:1
Odds on Gormith to win the Whole Shebang 250:1

Odds of winning group 11:
Oglethorpia 3:2
Spaam 2:1
The Weegies 2:1
Brazillico 4:1
Jeruselem 4:1
BSE Free Bovines 10:1
The Eagles Nest 10:1
Holy India 10:1


Odds on Kingsford to win the Whole Shebang 15:1
Odds on NEWI Cefn Druids to win the Whole Shebang 30:1
Odds on Liverpool England to win the Whole Shebang 12:1

[/code:1:f3da6ccce6]

And here are the bets tabulated so far:

[code:1:f3da6ccce6]Bets recorded so far:

Name Homeland Wager On Odds
Payney TMC 47 lm Lemmitania 10:1
Phil TMC 5 lm Aquilla 100:1
Jari Dary Rejis 20 lm Tanah Burung 10,000:1
MLT NCD 1M lm NEWI Cefn Druids 30:1
FCN gov’t FCN 45M lm Tanah Burung 10,000:1
[/code:1:f3da6ccce6]

And now, due to overwhelming amounts being put down on those Burungians, we have some new odds to announce:

[code:1:f3da6ccce6]New odds on Tanah Burung to win the Whole Shebang 6:1
New odds on NEWI Cefn Druids to win the Whole Shebang 10:1[/code:1:f3da6ccce6]

-Moe

Audioslavia 5:1

...im fucked arent i?

PM: Hello, I'm the head of the Spaamanian Government? Can I place 100 trillion on Abysmilistan to win the next 12 cups, ta.

*Hangs Up*

PM: Hello, this is Alan Belmore, Prime Minister of The Belmore Family may I place 1 trillion on TBF to win world Cup 12, thank you.

Well, i've had a nice little inquiry from the Spaamanian government regarding a bet of 100 trillion lemmings, and one from the Flying Belmores for a bet of 1 trillion lemmings, and I regret to say that I can't possibly cover either bet. Nothing over 50 million lemmings, please, people. So, Alan, shall I put you down for 50M lm on TBF?

-Moe

Well, i've had a nice little inquiry from the Spaamanian government regarding a bet of 100 trillion lemmings, and one from the Flying Belmores for a bet of 1 trillion lemmings, and I regret to say that I can't possibly cover either bet. Nothing over 50 million lemmings, please, people. So, Alan, shall I put you down for 50M lm on TBF?

-Moe

AB: Nah, pussys. OK, 50 million it is.

*Hangs Up*

AB: Ta, 50 million it will be then.

[code:1:90db1a770b]Brazillico 4:1[/code:1:90db1a770b]

Fiercely patriotic? Yes. Stupid? No.

We feel the most advantagous way to increase our budget this year is by betting on Oglethorpia to win Group 11. Although we dont usually take a "blue chip" stance on such investments, we feel since Mel is such a cheap ass with his odds, the risk is hardly worth the reward in any other case. We will thus therefore take 50 million Lemmings out of our national budget and invest in the Oglethorpia Wonderteam.

Sincerely,

Manuel Menudo
Minister of Finance of The Formerly Jingoistic States

A slightly dishevelled character holding a pint sits in a dodgy-looking bookies at some undisclosed location (i.e. the government doesn't know, and doesn't care.) outside of The Weegies. He is James Mackintyre, former Weegie manager, gambling fanatic, and serial embezzler, recently having left (i.e ran away from) The Weegies to start a new life somewhere else. Mostly so he can hide from the Belmorian, the Oglethorpian, and the Spaamian Bookmakers, whom he owes a total sum of around $125,000.

"The Lemmitanians..." he murmured. "Don't owe them a thing."

"Hey, you!" he shouted over at the bookie. "What's the Lemmitanian odds on The Weegies beating Spaam away in qualifying?"

[code:1:5ae5d67255]Brazillico 4:1[/code:1:5ae5d67255]

Fiercely patriotic? Yes. Stupid? No.

We feel the most advantagous way to increase our budget this year is by betting on Oglethorpia to win Group 11. Although we dont usually take a "blue chip" stance on such investments, we feel since Mel is such a cheap ass with his odds, the risk is hardly worth the reward in any other case. We will thus therefore take 50 million Lemmings out of our national budget and invest in the Oglethorpia Wonderteam.

Sincerely,

Manuel Menudo
Minister of Finance of The Formerly Jingoistic States

Not worth the risk, Manuel? I'm only offering 3:2 on Oglethorpia to win group 11-- you'll only win 75M for your 50M bet. Why not put it on the home side and take a chance on getting the big 200M pot?

But hey, it's your funeral, my Brazillican friend. If you want to take the little money on the foreign team, that's up to you. I'll give you a chance to change your bet, though, before I put it on the Big Board-- just to be sporting.

-Moe

Welcome back to another fun-filled edition of Betting Line Weekly! I'm your host, Moe Lemsler, and with just a few scant hours or days separating us from the start of World Cup Twelve qualifying, no one can sleep, the whole world's so damn excited. And why's the whole damn world so excited? Because soon they'll be walking home with their winnings, or crying over their losings! Oh yeah, baby, it's what I live for.

First off, let's take a look at the Big Board and see what the current odds are on our favorite selected sides to win the Cup:

[code:1:654194d0e3]Current odds on winning the Whole Shebang

Europa Brittania 3:2
Giant Zucchini 3:1
Warnocks Wizards 3:1
The Belmore Family 4:1
Audioslavia 5:1
Tanah Burung 6:1
Rejistania 8:1
Kaze Progressa 8:1
Lemmitania 10:1
New Montreal States 10:1
NEWI Cefn Druids 10:1
Liverpool England 12:1
Kingsford 15:1
Commerce Heights 20:1
Total n Utter Insanity 30:1
Aquilla 100:1
Gormith 250:1

[/code:1:654194d0e3]

Wow, some big changes since last week. Thanks in part to massive bets placed on Tanah Burung, The Flying Belmores, and NEWI Cefn Druids.

Now, what I know you kids have been waiting for... back to the big Board, and let's see some odds on selected matches for the first day of qualifying play!

[code:1:654194d0e3]Odds on selected qualifying matches: Qualifying match day one

Aquilla 5-3 Vozvyshennost
Oilermania 1-3 Ravenspire
Warnocks Wizards 5-4 Snub Nose 38
EL CID THE HERO 2-5 Audioslavia
East Spaam 4-3 Iansisle
NEWI Cefn Druids 2-3 SterlingIce
Svecia 3-5 Halfassedstates
The Belmore Family 4-3 Antaeus Rising
Giant Zucchini 4-1 Eauz
Cockbill Street 1-5 Europa Brittania
Spaam 3-5 Oglethorpia
Commerce Heights 5-3 One Red Dot

Special request: qualifying match three

Spaam 2-1 The Weegies

[/code:1:654194d0e3]

Now, kids, let me just remind you how odds on matches work: the number listed beside each team is how many lemmings you have to lay down to win the number on the other side of the hash mark. So the side with the higher number is the favorite.

Last but not least, let's take a look at the bet's we've got running so far:

[code:1:654194d0e3] Bets recorded so far:

Name Homeland Wager On Odds
Payney TMC 47 lm Lemmitania 10:1
Phil TMC 5 lm Aquilla 100:1
Jari Dary Rejis 20 lm Tanah Burung 10,000:1
MLT NCD 1M lm NEWI Cefn Druids 30:1
FCN gov’t FCN 45M lm Tanah Burung 10,000:1
Alan TBF 50M lm The Flying Belmores 8:1
Manuel BZ 50M lm Ogle to win grp 11 3:2

[/code:1:654194d0e3]

Well, kids, that about wraps up this week's edition of BLW! 'Til next time, this has been Moe Lemsler saying, "You can't win a bundle if you don't lay a bundle on the line!"

[Scene: A bar in southwestern Karacos, near the Bedistani border. Gene Barber, former defender and later manager of the Bedistan Lions, is looking at a nearby TV, which is inexplicably showing a broadcast from Lemmitania.]

Barber: Urgh, I can't read that. What are the odds on Bedistan there?

Bartender: I don't see 'em listed. Only ones around here are Commerce Heights. Twenty to one if you're interested.

Barber: Yeah, the Lions aren't good enough for a mention anymore. But I'll show the BFA for firing me. To hell with them AND their football team!

[Barber dials a phone. The seemingly very long sequence of numbers connects him to somewhere in Lemmitania.]

Barber: Hi, is this Betting Line Weekly? Yeah, I'm Ge...er, Mark Hammond from, uh, Kingsford. Yeah, that's it, Kingsford. I wanna put fifty thousand bak--er, I mean, three hundred thousand lemmings on Commerce Heights to win. Yeah, Commerce Heights. Uh-huh. That's right. Okay, thanks.

[hangs up]

Bartender: You're weird, y'know that?

Barber: I've been called worse.

--------------------------

Meanwhile, in Bedistan, requests have been pouring in to BLW requesting odds on the Lions both to qualify from Group 10 and to win the Cup [yeah, right :P].

An executive in PariMedia's sports division makes some quick calculation on predicted advertising revenue from World Cup 12, dumps some money in his bank account, and makes a call: "Hello...I'd like to place 2 million simol...er...uh...do you take Lemmistanan lemmings?...No?...Well, then I'll place 4 million dull...err...dollars on Aquilla to win the World Cup...Sure, I'm sending the account and contact information...err...now...No, I'm not going to tell you my name! I sent you all you need to know to pay me if they win!...Well, uh...goodbye... *click* "

Paul Dussis: "Hello? BLW? Yes, I've got a bet. Yes. The whole LE team want to bet a combined 50M lm on ourselves. Yes. Thank You."

Former Halfassed football pundit Alun Hansun is in his local in Sowhatsville.
Hes been spending an awful lot of time there since being 'released' by the HSMG.
Its only just gone mid-day, and hes already on his third Half-Hearted Hooch.

AH: "Bobby, stick on the telly would ya!"
B: Ok Al, I don't think theres any football on though!
AH: Ah just fire it on and let me have the remote!
B: Theres no porn at this time of the day either!
AH: I know already - I'll just flick through the channels for a bit.

*he does so and eventually the BLW show appears on the screen*

AH: Hmmmmmm. Bobby, can I borrow your phone?
*Bobby is at the other end of the bar serving another patron*
B: eh aye sure Al.

*Alun saunters over and dials the number on the screen*
AH: Hello, BLW?
Voice: Yes, How can I help you?
AH: Tell me whos going to win the cup - hahaha!
V: Yes very funny sir!
AH: Only kidding, I was just wondering what the odds on Halfassed winning things are, cause I don't see them anywhere!
V: I would have to check for you sir ..

*hold music*

V: Hello sir
AH: yo still here
V: Am afraid we don't have the odds for Halfassed to hand, and Moe is out of the office at the moment
AH: Moes out for a mo eh! hehehe
V: *sighs* Yes sir
AH: Well I'll stick 50 lemmings on them anyway - it must be around 5-1 or better.
V: Okay then sir 50 lemmings
AH: and stick another 50 on Lemmitania will ya.
V: Certainly sir - now can I take your details
AH: wayhey luv take it easy!
V: for the bet sir so you can get the winnings
AH: hmm yeah i knew that

*cups his hand over the receiver*

"bobby whts the phone number here?"
B: Its on the phone you numbskull!
AH: Oh yeah - thanks

*Alun proceeds to give the necessary details to the girl on the other end of the phone. When he finishes, he orders another HHH. We however, have to get back to work, so we leave him flicking through the TV channels*

Danny Bryant picks up the phone and dials Lemmy's gambling service.

Danny: Hello? oh hey, is that Lemmy's gambling dude thing?...... It is? Cool... i'd like to bet on Audioslavia to win everything... how much? umm... a tenner. Cheers mate.

just out of curiosity, what do you think my odds are?

I personally think I'm at about 2:3 to qualify, 3:1 to win group 7, and about 10:1 for the cup.

Ian Olsen, retired footballer and now C-mail pundit, last seen in Lemmitania: Hello - would this be where ah can put sum munny on football matches? Roight, put a tenner on the Wizards to beat Snub Nose 38 for me, will ya, darlin'. What currency? Dollars o' course. You dunno bout the dollar? What do yer use here then? Lemmings, you say? Fair enuff. Make it fefty of those lemmins, then. An' could yer giv me the odds on Europa Brit...Britann...whatever...winnin' our group? Yeah, that un. The un with Cockbill Street and the Insane people in them. You don't have odds on tha'?! I'll cum back termorrow and yer had better have the odds by then!

Manuel: We'd like the odds on a Trifecta that would see Oglethorpia claim 1st, The Weegies get 2nd and Brazillico finish 3rd in Group 11.

Well, let's see...fresh off our upset victory in our first qualifying match, the Government of the Nomadic Peoples of Gormith places 100K on making the finals, and an additional 10K on winning the whole gosh darned shootin match.

*bump*

At a payphone in Oglethorpia:

[i]Henry Tuck stood, shivering in the cold, because it was 0300. "pick up, pick up, pick up..."

"Hello?"

"Is this the betting register for Lemmitania?"

"Yes. Would you like to place a bet?"

"Yeah, can I bet on a few things?"

"Absolutely, we'll be glad to take your money."

"First off, I'l like to bet 1 million Kingsford Dollars on Kingsford having a clean sheet for the remainder of the first 7 qualifying matches."

"Alright."

"Then, I'd like to bet on Kingsford winning the whole thing."

"How much?"

"Oh, right, sorry... lets make it 1.2 Million Kingsford Dollars."

"Done. Anything Else?"

"Can I bet on a team not qualifying?"

"Anything for your money."

"I wanna bet $2 million Kingsford Dollars on The Belmore Family missing qualification."

"Alright."

"Oh, wait, what's the exchange rate for Kingsford Dollars to Lemmings?"

"1 Kingford Dollar = 3.12 Lemmings."

"Thanks so much sir."

"Can I have your name?"

"My what?"

"For the records?"

"Oh... yeah."

Henry Tuck, the professional streaker, pondered for a moment.

"I'm the Sheriff of Crimpton County, in the Holy Republic of Kingsford."

"Thank you, Mr. Sheriff. Your bets are recorded."

"Right! Very good."

He hung up, and snickered to himself.

Hey, i just found this thread and it does look so fun i might pee myself, but no time to read it now. So i'm tagging in the hopes that there are no stern admonishments not to tag that i didn't read....

What are the odds for me to qualify? How about to win it all?

the hellmouth made me double post.

Mau Slurp's House of Gambling, Tiga Burung City

In which Mau Slurp converses with a lackey.

Mau Slurp: Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this slice of pork.... Oh hang it.

Enter lackey.

Lackey: I bring glad tidings of great joy, for today is born in the city of Lemmington a bookie, who is offering odds of 10.000 to one on Tanah Burung winning the World Cup.

Mau Slurp: Outrageous fortune! Then let us place a bet of 100,000 loonies on the Crocodiles.

Lackey: They only accept lemmings.

Mau Slurp: Then make the equivalent bet in lemmings, knave of a fool of a wretch!

Lackey: But there is no exchange rate between loonies and lemmings. And the least said about lemsonians, the letter. Low lill le lemm lemm?

Mau Slurp slaps the lackey.

Mau Slurp: Lemm me no lemmings!

Lackey: OK. At any rate, we can't convert our loonies into lemmings.

Mau Slurp: The loonie is a fully convertible currency.

Lackey: Yes, but it can only be converted into other loonies.

Mau Slurp: That is a conundrum.

Mau Slurp ponders. The lackey opens an Opium Ale.

Mau Slurp: Go forth into the temples, and bring me back all the lemmings with pins stuck into them. Also bring me the head of Gil the Baptist on a plate. This pork isn't very good.

Exit Lackey.

Mau Slurp: Ten thousand to one! I would never be so careless with my odds. What fools these Lemmingtonianians be.

Enter Lackey with large sack.

Lackey: One hundred notes of one hundred lemmings each have i found, my lord. All fully laundered.

Mau Slurp: Then put it all on Tanah Burung. For the chance to win 100 million lemmings, who could say no?

Lackey: It's funny you should mention that. The odds have fallen to 6:1.

Mau Slurp: Then put it all on Commerce Heights. For the chance to win a smaller but i am sure still significant amount, who could say no?

Lackey: On Commerce Heights? Never! Where is your patriotism?

Mau Slurp: The odds against me being patriotic are 10.000:1. Now place the bet, or i shall have you flogged!

Lackey: Talk to the hand.

Exit Lackey, seething.

Mau Slurp (aside to his hand): Dial Lemmington, faithful appendage! 10,000 lemmings on the Bulldogs!

Mau Slurp's hand: Baby.

Bumpity bump

Trevor Brookley, Minister for Sports, Leisure, Arts and Dossing About: "Minister..."

Minister for Lost Things: "Yes"

TB: "You know that bet you had on the Druids to win the World Cup?"

MfLT: "Yes"

TB: "Well, they're out."

MfLT: "Really? What a shame... How much did I lose again?"

TB: "Um... a million lemmings, minister."

MfLT: "Ah. Well, never mind, I'm just going to have to win it back then, aren't I?"

TB: "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

MfLT: "Why not? What harm could it do?"

TB: "Um... you could... lose... again?"

MfLT: "Nonsense, I'm onto a surefire winner this time."

TB: "Which is..."

MfLT: "Spaam. Yes, Spaam for the World Cup. No doubt about it."

TB: "And how much are you going to put on? Not another million, I hope."

MfLT: "Oh, no! Don't be so ludicrous! I'm sure 500,000 lemmings will be enough, this time."

*At this point, Trevor Brookley hangs his head in his hands, and we leave them to whatever it is they do. Which, as far as I can tell, isn't much*