Wombat News
29-01-2004, 13:53
Military Operations in Arda begin
by our embedded reporter, Seamus O’Hack, Wombat News
This week finally saw the deployment of anxious, thumb-twiddling troops into Arda in a large, high-speed blitzkrieg to oust Melkor Unchained’s evil anti-democratic orc-hoarding regime.
Only a couple of months ago, the area was entirely devoid of troops, and now it is home to a seething and fast-retreating army. “This has been an amazing build-up of troops in such a short time,” Ur an Ass commander General Likker told Wombat News reporters today. “In just three weeks, we’ve gone from being the second largest force in Arda to being a force second only to Melkor’s army itself.” Likker is quietly confident about his chances of success. “2,500,000 soldiers can’t all be choked on sand or magical agents, be killed by Uruk Hai troops or taken out by friendly fire!” he joked, ominously.
There are various combinations of ground and air units attempting to make rapid advances through Arda, in an attempt to reach Angband as fast as possible, in Operation Last-One-There-Is-A-Sissy. Likker and his team were engaged in a disastrous beach landing when our reporters caught up with them. “The plan is to come at the beach from the sea,” Licker explained. “Infantry, armoured divisions, mobile artillery, paratroops, plus air support from our allies. It may well be a bit dangerous, but all our men will be wearing fluorescent jackets, like joggers have, so we’ll all see each other in the dark! Melkor’s troops haven’t got anything high-tech like fluorescent jackets. Good plan, isn’t it?!”
However, it’s not only Allied generals who have plans, oh no. Melkor has already carved his little nation into four regions: North, South, The Sand Pit of Doom and Melkor’s Doll House. The Northern region is under the deadly command of a general known as “Cheery Charlie” for his supposed involvement in Melkor’s chemical attacks on Elves. The Southern region is now under the command of “Uncle Sam”, who is similarly prone to killing his own side, though admittedly slightly less on purpose.
Allied Intelligence also suggests that Melkor, though he has promised not to set any galenas fields alight, may have booby-trapped wells. “Our spy satellites have seen buckets of orc-brains poised over doors and whoopee cushions hidden in minefields!” Likker told us. “We certainly hope the war is over before April Fool’s Day, because the Uruk Hai have an impish, if usually mortally-wounding, sense of humour.”
However, despite the fact military operations involve fighting with ill-equipped soldiers who don’t want to be fighting in the first place, the Allied army is doing very well, and current intelligence suggests that the war will be over within a few days. The same intelligence which said World War I would be over by Christmas.
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Wombat News: GII funding Melkor?
by our embedded reporter, Seamus O’Hack, Wombat News
As evidence continues to mount of Garrison II’s support for Melkor Unchained and The Silver Turtle operations in Arda, and in the aftermath of a large arms shipment intercepted on its way from Garrison II to Nianacio, Alliance military officials are beginning to drop hints that Garrison II needs to consider the consequences of going down that road.
"Garrison Eye Eye needs to consider the consequences of going down that road," a senior Alliance diplomat told the Holy Wombat Science Monitor last week.
Officials claim to have obtained intelligence suggesting that orc fugitives from neighbouring lands have been fleeing into Garrison II, that the Garrison II government has been funding Melkor Unchained, and that Garrison II is a nasty country that hates our good Alliance guts.
Garrison II appears to have taken the hint, and is offering some hints of their own. Today (or, in Garrison II, tomorrow) their news agency reported that representatives of their so-called “government” have tendered a letter to the United Nations protesting the alleged boarding of the Garrison II-leased tanker “Rustbouquet” yesterday.
The letter claims that the “Alliance naval forces approached and surrounded the vessel ... and attacked the ship and its crew aggressively. They destroyed the vessel's equipment, hit and held the crew at gunpoint, and interrogated them in a harsh and insulting manner. In fact, the ship's master, too, was treated brutally and inhumanely and the Alliance forces also took away the vessel's manifest and the crew's passports and belongings, in obvious violation of all international norms."
Senator Norman Blackhead, Chairman of the International Association of Norms, said in a telephone interview this evening that neither he nor any other Norm with whom he'd been in contact considered themselves to have been violated by the incident.
THIS BROADCAST HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – STILL A LONG, LONG WAY FROM THE HANDBAGS
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“Grilling, Suicide and Name-Calling” Plan Unleashed
By our embedded reporter, Seamus O’Hack, Wombat News
Melkor Unchained’s Imperial emissary, Jay Reaven, announced a new three-pronged Axis of Evil [OOC: aka PMS aka Pro-Melkor Side] offensive today while assuring their people that "Angband and other key strategic locations are safe and secure".
This new offensive focuses on “grilling” Alliance forces, relies on key elements of Ur an Ass troops to commit suicide, and includes a very nasty dose of name-calling.
"We will encourage them to commit more suicides," said Reaven from a pile of rubble that could contain bits of the Ministry of Truth building. "The warmongers are committing suicide by the hundreds on the beaches of Arda. The Holy Wombat is grilling their stomachs in hell."
Troops of the UAA Assault Battalions confirmed initial signs that the new Axis of Evil offensive appeared to be in motion.
"Our guys here noticed a package had been delivered, addressed to “Alliance Warmongers”," said one military commander. "It seemed a little suspicious to us, so we isolated it and examined its contents. What we found confirmed my suspicions that the 'Kill & Grill' campaign was being launched."
The package, which had a return address of 'Anband Poison Company', contained several bottles of foaming, green liquid marked with skull & crossbones logos. A handwritten note inside the package read "Dear Alliance Warmongers; Please to drink these bottles of delicious liquid refreshment so that you may feel not thirsty. Afterwards, you will please bring your stomachs for grilling."
So far, the suicide campaign has been ineffective. "Yeah, we saw Mr. Reaven's broadcast," said one trooper. "We sent the bottles back to him. Maybe one of his producers will leave it on the table for him during his next speech."
The “name-calling” prong of this new assault seems much more severe. Reaven has been quoted using such insults as "evil invaders", "criminal bastards", "blood-sucking bastards", "losers", "fools", "poop-heads", "poop-head bastards" and even "warmongering poop-bastard heads".
Alliance officials acknowledged that this verbal assault caught them by surprise, but would have little affect on the war's outcome.
"We've analyzed these insults," said an Alliance spokesperson, “and while they sound quite nasty, their overall impact is minimal. Basically, the Axis of Evil’s ability to engage in this type of offensive is limited. As with our smart weapons, we hold the technological edge."
In a display of Alliance insult superiority, forces waiting to assault the beachheads of Arda set up a 40,000 decibel loudspeaker system, broadcasting numerous "Yo' Mama" jokes, with direct references to Reaven's mother. Alliance officials would not comment on specific remarks, but did confirm they contained references to her weight.
Meanwhile, recently relocated reporter Pape Razzi, located in an hammock in Australian Marsupials, reported "no grilling of stomachs" in the area.
"I've just spoken to the Holy Wombat," said Razzi, "and he told me that there was nothing apart from the usual party going on."
In this excerpt from an exclusive interview with the Holy Wombat, to be aired by Wombat News later this week, Razzi questioned whether the “Holy Wombat was grilling” Alliance troops’ stomachs in hell.
"Look, I'm the head chef around here," said the Holy Wombat. "Anything gets chucked on the barbie, I do it. There's nothing grilling right now except the usual. Snags, chooks, prawns, souls of Christian fundamentalists, that sort of thing."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – SITTING QUIETLY ON A WARM, TROPICAL BEACH SIPPING A NICE, COOL DRINK (WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ONE OF THOSE CUTE LITTLE COCKTAIL STICK UMBRELLAS IN IT!)
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Reader Thrilled to see Own Name in News
Wombat News
Foreign warmonger Lord Imperial Trix of the Empire of Trixia was amazed 2 seconds ago when he/she/it noticed his/her/its name appearing on the highly popular Wombat News service.
"Wow!" he/she/it exclaimed to his/her/its friends upon reading this sentence. "I feel like I'm really a part of the NationStates community now!"
The Wombat News service is renowned for its incredibly accurate news coverage, brilliant reporting, and incredibly charismatic journalists who are not wanted by any national security agencies that they know of.
Trix is reportedly one of a select group of air-headed national leaders populating the NationStates community.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FOR BUBBLEHEADS EVERYWHERE
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Silver Turtle Special Forces Alleged to have Deployed to Melkor Unchained
Angband, Wombat War Reports
Adding to the current multinational presence in Melkor Unchained, a full battalion of soldiers from the Silver Turtle Tree Impersonators is alleged to have arrived in Melkor Unchained yesterday morning. The STTI, although not as well-known as the Silver Turtle Rusting Hulk Fleet are Silver Turtle's most elite military force.
“To be honest, this whole Melkor Unchained mission is a bit of a challenge for us," commented Danny Yellowbelly, one of the troopers. "Since most of the country is mountainous and barren, there are very few trees around, so being disguised as a tree isn't quite as useful for blending in. We've got some penguin outfits too, but those are even less useful."
To help the troops blend in, they have been supplied with rock costumes, but many difficulties remain. "We're trying to adapt and overcome, but it's not easy," continued Yellowbelly. "We just weren't trained to impersonate rocks, and it's really very different from tree impersonation. For example, swaying with the breeze isn't as useful when you're trying to look like a rock. Also, there's no foliage to hide a gun or anything in. Plus we have to learn how to roll inconspicuously. On the other hand, the lack of lumberjacks is refreshing."
To combat homesickness, the entire battalion has been issued one of those little sea breeze-scented air fresheners.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – A BREATH OF FRESH AIR THROUGH THE SMOG OF WAR
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Wretchengard forms new Elite Baby-Killer Unit
Wretchengard, Wombat War Reports
Top Wretchengard military officials are claiming that they have taken the first steps to forming an elite baby-killing unit, tentatively named the Right Guard.
"It has long been Wretchengard’s goal to join the rest of the world's superpowers with our own force of baby-killing commandos," stated Colonel Bull Crapper, noting that a few legal hoops had to be jumped before the new combat force could be created. "We had to bribe a few people in the Ministry of War so they would waive the rules that ban convicted murderers from joining the army, but the prostitutes and slush funds will undoubtedly pay for themselves when the public sees how effective our new force will be."
Crapper was referring to Jung Violator, 18, one of a pair of teenagers who abducted a 2-year-old boy from a shopping centre, tortured him, then battered him to death on a railway line. At the time, Violator claimed that he had thought he was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and that the toddler had claimed to be the Rat King, while his accomplice told police that they had been playing "Doctors and Nurses". Both teenagers had been ordered detained indefinitely, but a bureaucratic slip-up caused them to be paroled nearly 70 years earlier than originally anticipated.
"We first noticed that Mr. Violator showed promise for the new unit in mid-1998," added Crapper. "Jung seemed to have a knack for being able to pick up a football and going all the way with it. When we found out that he took the football to the most secluded section of the youth centre, and popped it without anyone finding out about it for a few days, we knew we had our first candidate. Babies are about the size of footballs, you know."
If successful, the Right Guard will join the ranks of the world's top baby-killing units, most notably the '70s American shock-troop unit called Jackson-5. The J5 unit successfully brainwashed an entire generation of children into singing their ABC's while "shaking it, baby".
"Once we have Violator fully equipped, we'll be sending him off to Ur an Ass for a test run. If all goes well, hopefully we'll have more recruits by the end of the year and will be killing babies in other third world countries by late next year," continued Crapper.
"Our new trooper is currently undergoing intensive training, but since we're inexperienced in the ways of baby-killing and Jung is inexperienced in the ways of modern warfare, it's a learning experience for both of us. He's doing well, though, and we don't expect Ur an Ass' apparent lack of train tracks to affect his performance at all."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE WHOLE NEWS AND NOTHING BUT THE NEWS
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Anaguum Bracing for Battle
by our intrepid REMF reporter, Dustin White-Feather, Wombat War Reports
Wombat News today reported that recent satellite intelligence suggests that Anaguum appears to be putting itself onto a war footing in anticipation of an attack.
Cold Collation [OOC: aka Ell, UAA et al] officials have reportedly observed construction of what are called "berms" in military circles, and "piles of dirt" elsewhere, around strategic military targets.
Collation New Moscow-watchers have also noted a sudden ominous surge in the construction of Talcum Powder Factories on or near military bases, weapons depots, research facilities, and government buildings.
Officials believe the accelerated development of these factories may be related to the Anaguum’s recent announcement that it would shortly be changing its name to the Benevolent People’s Republic of Talcum Powder Factories.
Duke Golovko, former Anaguum Ambassador to the United Nations and current Friendliest U.N. Delegate for Talcum Powder Affairs, claims these are not preparations for war, but for increased production of talcum powder.
"We are not interested in military affairs," Golovko reported via telephone. "We are concerned only with the production of soft, fine, and deliciously sensuous talcum powder."
In what may be related news, Ecks Ecks Ecks Ecks’ Wombat Corporation announced today that it was adjusting second quarter profit estimates upwards as a result of an unexpected surge in sales of its "Absolutely Foolproof Talcum Powder Factory Disguise Kits for Sovereign Nations".
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – CUTTING THROUGH THE CLUTTER OF REALITY
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Non-Aggression 'Unjust'
Peace Editor Pape Razzi follows a group of Knoottos peace campaigners on one of the most insignificant protests of all time
Yesterday, hundreds of protesters on bicycles headed for Ur an Ass to demonstrate against wars with no Knottoos or Vortex Corporation involvement.
Organiser Wim Bildon, a veteran of the "Why Us?" campaign said: "We must unite to condemn countries that fight above their weight. If Lareq were to invade Melkor Unchained tomorrow, nearly everyone would laugh. We have to battle against this complacency.”
"Millions of civilians have died in piss-ant wars about precious stones and scraps of uranium and cobalt, so we felt the time was ripe to draw attention to conflicts in which the victims are neither white nor Muslim."
Bildon's ideology has attracted unlikely supporters, including the Europa Brittania branch of the Countryside Alliance, specially renamed as Foxhunters for Peace, which turned out with the corpses of 25 pregnant vixens, all spray-painted with the slogan "Not Shot in My Name".
Despite pleas to maintain order, Vortex Rail and Knootoss Department of Transport officials were placed under unprecedented pressure as bicycle-loads of students boarded trains across their countries. As more protesters boarded, the rail firms gave up attempts to impose ticket charges and instead recouped losses by doubling alcohol prices in the buffet car.
On their arrival in Ur an Ass, dozens joined groups of Wombat worshippers and other minority groups, including the Association of Surf-riders and Bush Rangers. Many carried banners from the event’s sponsor, KNN. Others carried home-made banners reading "Knootoss says: Finger a Dike", "Vortex Corporation: Roundabout Policies for Peace", "UN-Necessary" and "No Wretch will tinkle the Ovaries". Whatever the cause, there was no doubting their sincerity.
On arrival at Speaker’s Swamp, delegate after delegate called for the UN - and Menelmacar in particular - to be given time to deal with all disputes. All agreed that war to gain control of Central African cocoa supplies cannot be morally justified.
In a keynote speech, Bent Orny told the crowd that Melko-Monkey aggression was threatening world peace.
"I am flying out to meet all the major warlords," said Orny when interviewed by Wombat News. "I trust they will all tell me that they have no links to Kalessin and have never attacked Cold Collation cities."
On approach from Wombat News, Melkor said that violence could never be justified, but that if Omicron Blu did not "listen to the concerns of the Valar" it would be considered the head of rogue state which represents the gravest threat to world peace today.
Despite the influx of an estimated 120,000 protestors, police said that the anti-war march was "one of the smallest demonstrations seen for some time".
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Trixia Decides to Become Warlike
Wombat War Reports
Impressed by Wretchengard’s ability to gain significant global media attention, Trixia’s government has decided to begin a campaign of terror.
The campaign is designed to pick on the weak and misfortunate and will hopefully drum up discord among its neighbours. “We’re not sure what to do at the moment, but we are considering many options such as rounding up the disloyal, or perhaps imposing draconian anti-privacy laws,” said government spokesperson Frick Assay. “I’ve discussed with our leader Trix van Hans Oop II whether he should rename the office to führer, or emperor or something. He’s already purchased a fantastic leather outfit with boots and epaulets and everything. He’s really getting quite excited.”
Trixia’s greatest obstacle to becoming an oppressive imperialist is definitely its military .. it needs one. This troubling development came up in discussions during parliament last week. Many options were considered, including hiring ex-Der Wermacht generals or Henry Kissingmyass. The government does admit that they are beginners to it all, and think that their first few tries at imperialism may not go well. “We are looking at invading the republic of Western Might .. it seems like as good excuse as any to start a war.”
All in all, government leaders accept that this will be a long-term learning process, and it may take decades before Trixia is reviled and despised by the world community. “We have time, and we got a great deal on barbed wire from a Sean Empire construction contractor, so the very first death camp will be up very soon. After that, SEATO will definitely stand up and take notice of us, perhaps even invite us to join the axis of evil,” chimed in Dr. Oswald Schwanz, head of the NVD political party.
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Melkor Unchained Prepares For Long Winter as Goat Prices Triple
Angband, Wombat War Reports
National Goat Council president Sour Ron announced yesterday that unless Melkor Unchained and Cold Collation relations improve, goat prices, which have already tripled, would likely not drop again until the spring of next year. “Melkor Unchained has the best goats, make no mistake about it,” said Ron, “and we here at the NGC know that Ur An Ass won’t settle for less. The goat economy is often as sensitive, enigmatic and misunderstood as is the noble goat itself. With all that’s going on at the moment, the world needs healing, and goat is part of that healing process. The Melkori goat is a sturdy and coordinated climber, so we won’t be down for long. We’ve survived invasion and civil wars, not to mention numerous violations by uncultured shepherds, so worry not, for we shall never bray gently into that good night.”
The devastating lack of goat on the world market has caused MacDougal’s restaurants to cancel their highly anticipated MacGoat sandwich, which was to be released before Christmas. Spokesperson Duncan Doonot commented for the fast food chain, “It’s simply not feasible for us at this time to go ahead with the superbly delicious MacGoat, on a sesame bun with lettuce, pickle and onion and topped with our own MacGoat Mint Sauce. Who knows, maybe we’ll give the MacPlatypus another try.”
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE CULINARY FRONT
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NATIONS’ RULING ELITES ORGANISE CULL OF WORKING CLASSES IN 'WORLD WAR'
News Analysis, Wombat War Reports
Melkor and his allies were today revealed to have taken part in talks with numerous Cold Collation national leaders to agree a systematic cull of working class populations, to begin in earnest on the beaches and rocky ground of Melkor Unchained. "The pressure on working class housing, farming land, and industrial unrest have risen to unacceptable levels," Ur An Ass aristocrat Wally De Pentonville-Lush told Wombat News.
The culling, which aims to reduce working-class numbers by at least twenty million, has already begun[/url]. A spokesman for the Cold Collation said: "The plan will have its critics, and may strike some as cruel. But when our deer estates get overpopulated, it is kinder in the long-run to the deer if we shoot them." He went on: "Likewise we must not duck our responsibility to look after the working class people, as they rely on our judgement to make their lives worth living."
Talks had stumbled on how the culling would be broken down across countries. Eris Kallisti, which had the most severe pressure on its land, was lobbying for the largest share of the reductions, but looked to have been outmanoeuvred by an Ur An Ass-New Genoa-Lareq-Europa Brittanian alliance, reputedly involving a further culling some decades hence.
"This operation will be like opening a steam-valve for society and will provide widespread relief," said De Pentonville-Lush. "And to top it all, it will dampen down working-class agitation, as there will be far fewer of them to agitate."
The staged and wide-ranging slaughter is being portrayed as a "war" by leading powers, to encourage the working classes to take part. "This is the one feature of the plan that looks weak to me," said De Pentonville-Lush. "You see, we've no real squabble with these Axis of Evil chaps. I do wonder if the rank and file are going to fall for it."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE TRUTH BEHIND THE FOG OF WAR
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Wombat News: Holy Wombat Announces Sheila Version 2.0
Ooollaroooo, Wombat News
The Holy Wombat today announced plans to release a new revision to His “sheila” product line, currently at version number 1.1a, an announcement greeted with fanfare from His customers and distributors alike.
New features will include such things as larger breasts, an additional breast which dispenses not milk but expensive imported beer, drink holders, and the “killer app” - a clearly marked "off" switch.
“We listened to our customers, and added all of their most-requested features. The new units will sport increased breast size, seven additional orifices, and drink holders for placing your beverage while your hands are busy," said the Holy Wombat’s press spokesman, the Archdrongo Bunyip, at a glitzy press conference. "And as a build-to-order option, you will be able to add on a third breast which dispenses imported beer instead of life-giving milk."
"I can just taste the Grolsch now."
The new line-up is the first major up-grade to “Sheila” in more than 60,000 years, and is being released to a mixed reaction from critics. The previous model had been wildly successful despite heavy criticism from industry experts.
"The Sheila's CPU, or 'brain', is not underpowered, just inefficient," said AM Press’ Science Today columnist Joey Bludger. "Too many processor cycles were repeatedly wasted on flowers, horses, colour schemes and macramé or knitting. Men spend virtually all of their processor cycles about, you know, important things like sex and masturbating."
"Sheilas were also second-rate killers, lacking in both drive and capacity to pummel or assassinate their enemies," said Galah Galah biology professor Bill Dag. "This bug has been fixed and women will now wish to, and will, annihilate thousands with their razor-sharp talons."
"Fear Sheila now, lest she shall bite you and make you totally lame!"
The current female model was met with much fanfare but anti-trust experts said it was too difficult for casual users to separate, or "unbundle" sex from commitment. "Sure, it was difficult," said computer science professor Mustafa Dill. "You had to go mess around in the configuration scripts, then dump the memory, but in the end trying new products like this only hurts the end user."
"The Holy Wombat is just doing this to push His [crash-prone] flagship platform, Life. Sheila was supposed to make it better, but she only makes it worse. Much, much worse."
"I would really like to get me one of those," said 34-year-old Wagga Wagga resident Bob Wilson, continuing after seeing his wife glaring at him, "Umm, wait, no, I wouldn't."
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WN
http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid87/pda22c0ab2140ceb42cbbf0f2271afd5b/fa9f249c.jpg
by our embedded reporter, Seamus O’Hack, Wombat News
This week finally saw the deployment of anxious, thumb-twiddling troops into Arda in a large, high-speed blitzkrieg to oust Melkor Unchained’s evil anti-democratic orc-hoarding regime.
Only a couple of months ago, the area was entirely devoid of troops, and now it is home to a seething and fast-retreating army. “This has been an amazing build-up of troops in such a short time,” Ur an Ass commander General Likker told Wombat News reporters today. “In just three weeks, we’ve gone from being the second largest force in Arda to being a force second only to Melkor’s army itself.” Likker is quietly confident about his chances of success. “2,500,000 soldiers can’t all be choked on sand or magical agents, be killed by Uruk Hai troops or taken out by friendly fire!” he joked, ominously.
There are various combinations of ground and air units attempting to make rapid advances through Arda, in an attempt to reach Angband as fast as possible, in Operation Last-One-There-Is-A-Sissy. Likker and his team were engaged in a disastrous beach landing when our reporters caught up with them. “The plan is to come at the beach from the sea,” Licker explained. “Infantry, armoured divisions, mobile artillery, paratroops, plus air support from our allies. It may well be a bit dangerous, but all our men will be wearing fluorescent jackets, like joggers have, so we’ll all see each other in the dark! Melkor’s troops haven’t got anything high-tech like fluorescent jackets. Good plan, isn’t it?!”
However, it’s not only Allied generals who have plans, oh no. Melkor has already carved his little nation into four regions: North, South, The Sand Pit of Doom and Melkor’s Doll House. The Northern region is under the deadly command of a general known as “Cheery Charlie” for his supposed involvement in Melkor’s chemical attacks on Elves. The Southern region is now under the command of “Uncle Sam”, who is similarly prone to killing his own side, though admittedly slightly less on purpose.
Allied Intelligence also suggests that Melkor, though he has promised not to set any galenas fields alight, may have booby-trapped wells. “Our spy satellites have seen buckets of orc-brains poised over doors and whoopee cushions hidden in minefields!” Likker told us. “We certainly hope the war is over before April Fool’s Day, because the Uruk Hai have an impish, if usually mortally-wounding, sense of humour.”
However, despite the fact military operations involve fighting with ill-equipped soldiers who don’t want to be fighting in the first place, the Allied army is doing very well, and current intelligence suggests that the war will be over within a few days. The same intelligence which said World War I would be over by Christmas.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – REPORTING FROM A SAFE PLACE MANY, MANY, MANY MILES AWAY FROM THE FRONT LINES
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Wombat News: GII funding Melkor?
by our embedded reporter, Seamus O’Hack, Wombat News
As evidence continues to mount of Garrison II’s support for Melkor Unchained and The Silver Turtle operations in Arda, and in the aftermath of a large arms shipment intercepted on its way from Garrison II to Nianacio, Alliance military officials are beginning to drop hints that Garrison II needs to consider the consequences of going down that road.
"Garrison Eye Eye needs to consider the consequences of going down that road," a senior Alliance diplomat told the Holy Wombat Science Monitor last week.
Officials claim to have obtained intelligence suggesting that orc fugitives from neighbouring lands have been fleeing into Garrison II, that the Garrison II government has been funding Melkor Unchained, and that Garrison II is a nasty country that hates our good Alliance guts.
Garrison II appears to have taken the hint, and is offering some hints of their own. Today (or, in Garrison II, tomorrow) their news agency reported that representatives of their so-called “government” have tendered a letter to the United Nations protesting the alleged boarding of the Garrison II-leased tanker “Rustbouquet” yesterday.
The letter claims that the “Alliance naval forces approached and surrounded the vessel ... and attacked the ship and its crew aggressively. They destroyed the vessel's equipment, hit and held the crew at gunpoint, and interrogated them in a harsh and insulting manner. In fact, the ship's master, too, was treated brutally and inhumanely and the Alliance forces also took away the vessel's manifest and the crew's passports and belongings, in obvious violation of all international norms."
Senator Norman Blackhead, Chairman of the International Association of Norms, said in a telephone interview this evening that neither he nor any other Norm with whom he'd been in contact considered themselves to have been violated by the incident.
THIS BROADCAST HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – STILL A LONG, LONG WAY FROM THE HANDBAGS
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“Grilling, Suicide and Name-Calling” Plan Unleashed
By our embedded reporter, Seamus O’Hack, Wombat News
Melkor Unchained’s Imperial emissary, Jay Reaven, announced a new three-pronged Axis of Evil [OOC: aka PMS aka Pro-Melkor Side] offensive today while assuring their people that "Angband and other key strategic locations are safe and secure".
This new offensive focuses on “grilling” Alliance forces, relies on key elements of Ur an Ass troops to commit suicide, and includes a very nasty dose of name-calling.
"We will encourage them to commit more suicides," said Reaven from a pile of rubble that could contain bits of the Ministry of Truth building. "The warmongers are committing suicide by the hundreds on the beaches of Arda. The Holy Wombat is grilling their stomachs in hell."
Troops of the UAA Assault Battalions confirmed initial signs that the new Axis of Evil offensive appeared to be in motion.
"Our guys here noticed a package had been delivered, addressed to “Alliance Warmongers”," said one military commander. "It seemed a little suspicious to us, so we isolated it and examined its contents. What we found confirmed my suspicions that the 'Kill & Grill' campaign was being launched."
The package, which had a return address of 'Anband Poison Company', contained several bottles of foaming, green liquid marked with skull & crossbones logos. A handwritten note inside the package read "Dear Alliance Warmongers; Please to drink these bottles of delicious liquid refreshment so that you may feel not thirsty. Afterwards, you will please bring your stomachs for grilling."
So far, the suicide campaign has been ineffective. "Yeah, we saw Mr. Reaven's broadcast," said one trooper. "We sent the bottles back to him. Maybe one of his producers will leave it on the table for him during his next speech."
The “name-calling” prong of this new assault seems much more severe. Reaven has been quoted using such insults as "evil invaders", "criminal bastards", "blood-sucking bastards", "losers", "fools", "poop-heads", "poop-head bastards" and even "warmongering poop-bastard heads".
Alliance officials acknowledged that this verbal assault caught them by surprise, but would have little affect on the war's outcome.
"We've analyzed these insults," said an Alliance spokesperson, “and while they sound quite nasty, their overall impact is minimal. Basically, the Axis of Evil’s ability to engage in this type of offensive is limited. As with our smart weapons, we hold the technological edge."
In a display of Alliance insult superiority, forces waiting to assault the beachheads of Arda set up a 40,000 decibel loudspeaker system, broadcasting numerous "Yo' Mama" jokes, with direct references to Reaven's mother. Alliance officials would not comment on specific remarks, but did confirm they contained references to her weight.
Meanwhile, recently relocated reporter Pape Razzi, located in an hammock in Australian Marsupials, reported "no grilling of stomachs" in the area.
"I've just spoken to the Holy Wombat," said Razzi, "and he told me that there was nothing apart from the usual party going on."
In this excerpt from an exclusive interview with the Holy Wombat, to be aired by Wombat News later this week, Razzi questioned whether the “Holy Wombat was grilling” Alliance troops’ stomachs in hell.
"Look, I'm the head chef around here," said the Holy Wombat. "Anything gets chucked on the barbie, I do it. There's nothing grilling right now except the usual. Snags, chooks, prawns, souls of Christian fundamentalists, that sort of thing."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – SITTING QUIETLY ON A WARM, TROPICAL BEACH SIPPING A NICE, COOL DRINK (WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ONE OF THOSE CUTE LITTLE COCKTAIL STICK UMBRELLAS IN IT!)
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Reader Thrilled to see Own Name in News
Wombat News
Foreign warmonger Lord Imperial Trix of the Empire of Trixia was amazed 2 seconds ago when he/she/it noticed his/her/its name appearing on the highly popular Wombat News service.
"Wow!" he/she/it exclaimed to his/her/its friends upon reading this sentence. "I feel like I'm really a part of the NationStates community now!"
The Wombat News service is renowned for its incredibly accurate news coverage, brilliant reporting, and incredibly charismatic journalists who are not wanted by any national security agencies that they know of.
Trix is reportedly one of a select group of air-headed national leaders populating the NationStates community.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FOR BUBBLEHEADS EVERYWHERE
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Silver Turtle Special Forces Alleged to have Deployed to Melkor Unchained
Angband, Wombat War Reports
Adding to the current multinational presence in Melkor Unchained, a full battalion of soldiers from the Silver Turtle Tree Impersonators is alleged to have arrived in Melkor Unchained yesterday morning. The STTI, although not as well-known as the Silver Turtle Rusting Hulk Fleet are Silver Turtle's most elite military force.
“To be honest, this whole Melkor Unchained mission is a bit of a challenge for us," commented Danny Yellowbelly, one of the troopers. "Since most of the country is mountainous and barren, there are very few trees around, so being disguised as a tree isn't quite as useful for blending in. We've got some penguin outfits too, but those are even less useful."
To help the troops blend in, they have been supplied with rock costumes, but many difficulties remain. "We're trying to adapt and overcome, but it's not easy," continued Yellowbelly. "We just weren't trained to impersonate rocks, and it's really very different from tree impersonation. For example, swaying with the breeze isn't as useful when you're trying to look like a rock. Also, there's no foliage to hide a gun or anything in. Plus we have to learn how to roll inconspicuously. On the other hand, the lack of lumberjacks is refreshing."
To combat homesickness, the entire battalion has been issued one of those little sea breeze-scented air fresheners.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – A BREATH OF FRESH AIR THROUGH THE SMOG OF WAR
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Wretchengard forms new Elite Baby-Killer Unit
Wretchengard, Wombat War Reports
Top Wretchengard military officials are claiming that they have taken the first steps to forming an elite baby-killing unit, tentatively named the Right Guard.
"It has long been Wretchengard’s goal to join the rest of the world's superpowers with our own force of baby-killing commandos," stated Colonel Bull Crapper, noting that a few legal hoops had to be jumped before the new combat force could be created. "We had to bribe a few people in the Ministry of War so they would waive the rules that ban convicted murderers from joining the army, but the prostitutes and slush funds will undoubtedly pay for themselves when the public sees how effective our new force will be."
Crapper was referring to Jung Violator, 18, one of a pair of teenagers who abducted a 2-year-old boy from a shopping centre, tortured him, then battered him to death on a railway line. At the time, Violator claimed that he had thought he was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and that the toddler had claimed to be the Rat King, while his accomplice told police that they had been playing "Doctors and Nurses". Both teenagers had been ordered detained indefinitely, but a bureaucratic slip-up caused them to be paroled nearly 70 years earlier than originally anticipated.
"We first noticed that Mr. Violator showed promise for the new unit in mid-1998," added Crapper. "Jung seemed to have a knack for being able to pick up a football and going all the way with it. When we found out that he took the football to the most secluded section of the youth centre, and popped it without anyone finding out about it for a few days, we knew we had our first candidate. Babies are about the size of footballs, you know."
If successful, the Right Guard will join the ranks of the world's top baby-killing units, most notably the '70s American shock-troop unit called Jackson-5. The J5 unit successfully brainwashed an entire generation of children into singing their ABC's while "shaking it, baby".
"Once we have Violator fully equipped, we'll be sending him off to Ur an Ass for a test run. If all goes well, hopefully we'll have more recruits by the end of the year and will be killing babies in other third world countries by late next year," continued Crapper.
"Our new trooper is currently undergoing intensive training, but since we're inexperienced in the ways of baby-killing and Jung is inexperienced in the ways of modern warfare, it's a learning experience for both of us. He's doing well, though, and we don't expect Ur an Ass' apparent lack of train tracks to affect his performance at all."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE WHOLE NEWS AND NOTHING BUT THE NEWS
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Anaguum Bracing for Battle
by our intrepid REMF reporter, Dustin White-Feather, Wombat War Reports
Wombat News today reported that recent satellite intelligence suggests that Anaguum appears to be putting itself onto a war footing in anticipation of an attack.
Cold Collation [OOC: aka Ell, UAA et al] officials have reportedly observed construction of what are called "berms" in military circles, and "piles of dirt" elsewhere, around strategic military targets.
Collation New Moscow-watchers have also noted a sudden ominous surge in the construction of Talcum Powder Factories on or near military bases, weapons depots, research facilities, and government buildings.
Officials believe the accelerated development of these factories may be related to the Anaguum’s recent announcement that it would shortly be changing its name to the Benevolent People’s Republic of Talcum Powder Factories.
Duke Golovko, former Anaguum Ambassador to the United Nations and current Friendliest U.N. Delegate for Talcum Powder Affairs, claims these are not preparations for war, but for increased production of talcum powder.
"We are not interested in military affairs," Golovko reported via telephone. "We are concerned only with the production of soft, fine, and deliciously sensuous talcum powder."
In what may be related news, Ecks Ecks Ecks Ecks’ Wombat Corporation announced today that it was adjusting second quarter profit estimates upwards as a result of an unexpected surge in sales of its "Absolutely Foolproof Talcum Powder Factory Disguise Kits for Sovereign Nations".
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – CUTTING THROUGH THE CLUTTER OF REALITY
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Non-Aggression 'Unjust'
Peace Editor Pape Razzi follows a group of Knoottos peace campaigners on one of the most insignificant protests of all time
Yesterday, hundreds of protesters on bicycles headed for Ur an Ass to demonstrate against wars with no Knottoos or Vortex Corporation involvement.
Organiser Wim Bildon, a veteran of the "Why Us?" campaign said: "We must unite to condemn countries that fight above their weight. If Lareq were to invade Melkor Unchained tomorrow, nearly everyone would laugh. We have to battle against this complacency.”
"Millions of civilians have died in piss-ant wars about precious stones and scraps of uranium and cobalt, so we felt the time was ripe to draw attention to conflicts in which the victims are neither white nor Muslim."
Bildon's ideology has attracted unlikely supporters, including the Europa Brittania branch of the Countryside Alliance, specially renamed as Foxhunters for Peace, which turned out with the corpses of 25 pregnant vixens, all spray-painted with the slogan "Not Shot in My Name".
Despite pleas to maintain order, Vortex Rail and Knootoss Department of Transport officials were placed under unprecedented pressure as bicycle-loads of students boarded trains across their countries. As more protesters boarded, the rail firms gave up attempts to impose ticket charges and instead recouped losses by doubling alcohol prices in the buffet car.
On their arrival in Ur an Ass, dozens joined groups of Wombat worshippers and other minority groups, including the Association of Surf-riders and Bush Rangers. Many carried banners from the event’s sponsor, KNN. Others carried home-made banners reading "Knootoss says: Finger a Dike", "Vortex Corporation: Roundabout Policies for Peace", "UN-Necessary" and "No Wretch will tinkle the Ovaries". Whatever the cause, there was no doubting their sincerity.
On arrival at Speaker’s Swamp, delegate after delegate called for the UN - and Menelmacar in particular - to be given time to deal with all disputes. All agreed that war to gain control of Central African cocoa supplies cannot be morally justified.
In a keynote speech, Bent Orny told the crowd that Melko-Monkey aggression was threatening world peace.
"I am flying out to meet all the major warlords," said Orny when interviewed by Wombat News. "I trust they will all tell me that they have no links to Kalessin and have never attacked Cold Collation cities."
On approach from Wombat News, Melkor said that violence could never be justified, but that if Omicron Blu did not "listen to the concerns of the Valar" it would be considered the head of rogue state which represents the gravest threat to world peace today.
Despite the influx of an estimated 120,000 protestors, police said that the anti-war march was "one of the smallest demonstrations seen for some time".
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Trixia Decides to Become Warlike
Wombat War Reports
Impressed by Wretchengard’s ability to gain significant global media attention, Trixia’s government has decided to begin a campaign of terror.
The campaign is designed to pick on the weak and misfortunate and will hopefully drum up discord among its neighbours. “We’re not sure what to do at the moment, but we are considering many options such as rounding up the disloyal, or perhaps imposing draconian anti-privacy laws,” said government spokesperson Frick Assay. “I’ve discussed with our leader Trix van Hans Oop II whether he should rename the office to führer, or emperor or something. He’s already purchased a fantastic leather outfit with boots and epaulets and everything. He’s really getting quite excited.”
Trixia’s greatest obstacle to becoming an oppressive imperialist is definitely its military .. it needs one. This troubling development came up in discussions during parliament last week. Many options were considered, including hiring ex-Der Wermacht generals or Henry Kissingmyass. The government does admit that they are beginners to it all, and think that their first few tries at imperialism may not go well. “We are looking at invading the republic of Western Might .. it seems like as good excuse as any to start a war.”
All in all, government leaders accept that this will be a long-term learning process, and it may take decades before Trixia is reviled and despised by the world community. “We have time, and we got a great deal on barbed wire from a Sean Empire construction contractor, so the very first death camp will be up very soon. After that, SEATO will definitely stand up and take notice of us, perhaps even invite us to join the axis of evil,” chimed in Dr. Oswald Schwanz, head of the NVD political party.
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – REPORTING FROM THE CONFINES OF A NICE, QUIET ROOM WITH LOVELY PADDED WALLS
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Melkor Unchained Prepares For Long Winter as Goat Prices Triple
Angband, Wombat War Reports
National Goat Council president Sour Ron announced yesterday that unless Melkor Unchained and Cold Collation relations improve, goat prices, which have already tripled, would likely not drop again until the spring of next year. “Melkor Unchained has the best goats, make no mistake about it,” said Ron, “and we here at the NGC know that Ur An Ass won’t settle for less. The goat economy is often as sensitive, enigmatic and misunderstood as is the noble goat itself. With all that’s going on at the moment, the world needs healing, and goat is part of that healing process. The Melkori goat is a sturdy and coordinated climber, so we won’t be down for long. We’ve survived invasion and civil wars, not to mention numerous violations by uncultured shepherds, so worry not, for we shall never bray gently into that good night.”
The devastating lack of goat on the world market has caused MacDougal’s restaurants to cancel their highly anticipated MacGoat sandwich, which was to be released before Christmas. Spokesperson Duncan Doonot commented for the fast food chain, “It’s simply not feasible for us at this time to go ahead with the superbly delicious MacGoat, on a sesame bun with lettuce, pickle and onion and topped with our own MacGoat Mint Sauce. Who knows, maybe we’ll give the MacPlatypus another try.”
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – NEWS FROM THE CULINARY FRONT
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NATIONS’ RULING ELITES ORGANISE CULL OF WORKING CLASSES IN 'WORLD WAR'
News Analysis, Wombat War Reports
Melkor and his allies were today revealed to have taken part in talks with numerous Cold Collation national leaders to agree a systematic cull of working class populations, to begin in earnest on the beaches and rocky ground of Melkor Unchained. "The pressure on working class housing, farming land, and industrial unrest have risen to unacceptable levels," Ur An Ass aristocrat Wally De Pentonville-Lush told Wombat News.
The culling, which aims to reduce working-class numbers by at least twenty million, has already begun[/url]. A spokesman for the Cold Collation said: "The plan will have its critics, and may strike some as cruel. But when our deer estates get overpopulated, it is kinder in the long-run to the deer if we shoot them." He went on: "Likewise we must not duck our responsibility to look after the working class people, as they rely on our judgement to make their lives worth living."
Talks had stumbled on how the culling would be broken down across countries. Eris Kallisti, which had the most severe pressure on its land, was lobbying for the largest share of the reductions, but looked to have been outmanoeuvred by an Ur An Ass-New Genoa-Lareq-Europa Brittanian alliance, reputedly involving a further culling some decades hence.
"This operation will be like opening a steam-valve for society and will provide widespread relief," said De Pentonville-Lush. "And to top it all, it will dampen down working-class agitation, as there will be far fewer of them to agitate."
The staged and wide-ranging slaughter is being portrayed as a "war" by leading powers, to encourage the working classes to take part. "This is the one feature of the plan that looks weak to me," said De Pentonville-Lush. "You see, we've no real squabble with these Axis of Evil chaps. I do wonder if the rank and file are going to fall for it."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – THE TRUTH BEHIND THE FOG OF WAR
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Wombat News: Holy Wombat Announces Sheila Version 2.0
Ooollaroooo, Wombat News
The Holy Wombat today announced plans to release a new revision to His “sheila” product line, currently at version number 1.1a, an announcement greeted with fanfare from His customers and distributors alike.
New features will include such things as larger breasts, an additional breast which dispenses not milk but expensive imported beer, drink holders, and the “killer app” - a clearly marked "off" switch.
“We listened to our customers, and added all of their most-requested features. The new units will sport increased breast size, seven additional orifices, and drink holders for placing your beverage while your hands are busy," said the Holy Wombat’s press spokesman, the Archdrongo Bunyip, at a glitzy press conference. "And as a build-to-order option, you will be able to add on a third breast which dispenses imported beer instead of life-giving milk."
"I can just taste the Grolsch now."
The new line-up is the first major up-grade to “Sheila” in more than 60,000 years, and is being released to a mixed reaction from critics. The previous model had been wildly successful despite heavy criticism from industry experts.
"The Sheila's CPU, or 'brain', is not underpowered, just inefficient," said AM Press’ Science Today columnist Joey Bludger. "Too many processor cycles were repeatedly wasted on flowers, horses, colour schemes and macramé or knitting. Men spend virtually all of their processor cycles about, you know, important things like sex and masturbating."
"Sheilas were also second-rate killers, lacking in both drive and capacity to pummel or assassinate their enemies," said Galah Galah biology professor Bill Dag. "This bug has been fixed and women will now wish to, and will, annihilate thousands with their razor-sharp talons."
"Fear Sheila now, lest she shall bite you and make you totally lame!"
The current female model was met with much fanfare but anti-trust experts said it was too difficult for casual users to separate, or "unbundle" sex from commitment. "Sure, it was difficult," said computer science professor Mustafa Dill. "You had to go mess around in the configuration scripts, then dump the memory, but in the end trying new products like this only hurts the end user."
"The Holy Wombat is just doing this to push His [crash-prone] flagship platform, Life. Sheila was supposed to make it better, but she only makes it worse. Much, much worse."
"I would really like to get me one of those," said 34-year-old Wagga Wagga resident Bob Wilson, continuing after seeing his wife glaring at him, "Umm, wait, no, I wouldn't."
THIS BROADCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WOMBAT NEWS – AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES BROADCASTER!
WN
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