NationStates Jolt Archive

A recent telephone survey has revealed that a total of 6% of Eniqciri describe themselves as adherents to "Wombatism", a previously unknown faith in this country, prompting government officials to investigate. So far, little is known about the rapidly-growing religion, but census workers were able to determine that followers of the faith use the popular magazine "Wombat News" as their holy text. Supposedly, part of the popularity of the religion is derived from the fact that their doctrines come in periodical form, making it the most up-to-date idiology known. Further information has been hard to acquire, as all Wombatists interviewed preferred to answer in koans or otherwise cryptic forms of speech, such as these quotes from newly-converted Wombatists in the city of Aqadaqsk:
Only a stack of 107,136,010 Holy Wombats can truly achieve transcendance!
and
Dude, quit, like, oppressin' me! It is not right to show unbelievers the Ways of the Marsupial.
There is conjecture that the latter quote may have been made under the influence of Iawhasca, or some other drug. Attempts to contact the Holy Wombat himself have so far met with no success, but inquiries are being made with the publishers of Wombat News, particularly concerning allegations that subliminal messages are being hidden in their publications.

"Heh," quoth the Holy Wombat

You got nothing on the monotreme that is the national symbol of my sovereignty! :D

Scanning the radio dial, Bambang Utoyo's ears prick up at the news of the new Eniqciri cult. Defrocked Catholic priest, thrown out of the 24-Hour Church of Gil for excessive embezzling, banned from the Church of the Big Screen TV for refusing to share the eucharistic remote control, Bambang was in search of a new faith.

This "Wombatism" intrigued him. He logged on to the net to download some reports, printed them up on cheap hemp-based newsprint, slipped on his preaching robe and sandals, and headed for the local market place.

"Wombat News!" he began to shout. "Enlightenment though light reading! Nirvana on newsprint! It's the only fair and balanced faith, my credulous brothers. Get your salvation here, for just a few pennies!"

"Wombat News!" he began to shout. "Enlightenment though light reading! Nirvana on newsprint! It's the only fair and balanced faith, my credulous brothers. Get your salvation here, for just a few pennies!"

"Heh" quoth the Holy Wombat, again. "Oh, and don't forget our royalty payments (tithes if you like!)"

Oh, and a reminder of the authorised service (to be conducted in a bar of your choice):

Officiating Celebrant : Bruce Ocker [or insert name here]

Welcome

Bruce: The grace of the Blessed Wallaby, and the love of the Holy Wombat, and the fellowship of your cobbers be with you all.

All: And also with you.

Sung (Psalm 118): This is the party that the Holy Wombat has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Introduction

Bruce: We have gathered together here in the presence of the Holy Wombat to party hearty and to ask the Holy Wombat’s blessing on us as we share our booze.

Parties are a gift of the Holy Wombat. They are a symbol of the Holy Wombat’s unending love for screamers, and of the union between the Holy Wombat and his blokes and sheilas.

As the Holy Wombat has called us to party, so he gathers all the tinnies and the stubbies into a great big esky, and declares the bar open.

Hymn: “Wombat, Wombat, We Adore Thee” (Tune: Hymn to Joy, Beethoven; Words: Some Fella)

Reading from the Holy Book of Wombat

Bruce: And on the first day, the Wombat created the Earth, and he looked down and saw it was good.

On the second day, the Wombat created Bloke, and he looked down and saw that he was lonely.

Wherefore on the third day, the Wombat created Sheila, and he looked down and saw that Bloke was shy.

And so, on the fourth day, the Wombat created beer, and he looked down and was glad, and spake “Sod this - that looks like a great party!” and did descend to walk among Bloke and Sheila.

And thus on the fifth and the sixth day, the Wombat did party, and it was fun, fun, fun!

But on the seventh day, the Wombat had a monstrous hangover, and so the Wombat rested (until the evening when he invited a few mates round for a piss-up).

Bruce: Hear the words of the Holy Wombat.

All: Thanks be to the Holy Wombat.

Hymn: “At the Holy Wombat’s Bar There are no Last Orders” (Tune: St. Peter, A. R. Reinagle. Words: Okker Bundy)

Prayer

Bruce: Blessed are you, loving Wombat, your spirits bind us together. Crown us with your wines; sustain us all our days with your beers. And when this party is ended, welcome us all back at your place, there with all your mates to drink your booze. Blessed be the Holy Wombat, as in the beginning, so now, and for ever.

All: Amen.

Blessing

Bruce: The Holy Wombat bless you and keep you; the Holy Wombat make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Holy Wombat lift up his pint in salute to you, and give you free beer.

All: Amen.

The Party

Bruce: The Holy Wombat teaches that a good party is a lifelong bender uniting blokes and sheilas in body if nothing else. In the joy of the party, blokes and sheilas rage on and perv at each other, growing in drunkenness and debauchery. Through parties, new friendships are formed, where mates may be made and grow in mateship. Parties are therefore to be honoured by all. No one should miss a party, but all should make sure they bring a bottle.

So let us party hearty.

Get on with you, mates, the party’s started, and I’m as dry as a nun’s nasty.

End of Service - the bar's open

His Majesty Mac III, ruler by Divine Right, Defender of the Faith, King of Joccia, has this day had proclaimed a Royal Decree.

Be it Known that the periodical, known from time to time as Wombat News, shall be henceforth place under a Ban of Import and Publishment. Any person found in breach of this decree, and their families, and relatives upto 2nd Cousin 4 times removed, or any person in possesion of said periodical, or any person having read, seen or glanced at said periodical, or any person who may be accused of same by His Majesty's Government or their advisors or from time to time any person who may be reported as such to His Majesty's Constabulary shall suffer summary execution by being smeared with vegemite and staked over a wild guinea pig nest until they are dead.

"We interrupt your regular programming to bring you this special news report!"
"After the release of the Wombat News Archives, investigators began dilligently searching for evidence of subliminal messaging. However, within hours of beginning their research, no less than three of them set down their magazines, yelled "I need a pint!" and headed for the local tavern. The rest of the periodicals are being reviewed by Expert System A.I.s, and investigation will be halted until a neutral third-party observer can be found to prove without a doubt prove whether or not Wombatism is 'the true path to happiness and salvation'."
"We now return to 'Beyond the Fall of Night: The Movie'."

investigators began dilligently searching for evidence of subliminal messaging. However, within hours of beginning their research, no less than three of them set down their magazines, yelled "I need a pint!" and headed for the local tavern.

Heh. It works.


And so begins the spread of the worship of the Holy Wombat, softly but insidiously sliding into the minds of the masses, gently leading them to acts of worship ... bringing hope to the downtrodden as they gather in inns and taverns to raise their glasses and devote their souls to the Holy Wombat ...

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid67/pdfbdf84dfc2e44dca9505d9d7896fd9e/fbdbfb5a.jpg

who has but one message - "The bar's open and it's your round - party hearty!!"

OOC:*BOL,ROTFL,LOL*

In an offical reaction, from the Domion of Kurai Nami. An religious official said "Wombat?, what is a Wombat?. Now Echidnas i can grasp. But a Wombat??"

Bambang Utoyo, Wombattiest of the Faithful, was tallying the figures on the country's newest faith. "Blessed be tax-exempt status," he saiud soflty to himself, before licking the end of a pencil and starting to add up the columns.

Hmm, communion beer seemed to be costing an awful lot. Have to get something cheaper, they're all so boozed up in the pews they'll hardly notice. If only the Holy Wombat could come and turn water into beer!

On the upside, Cutesey Cuddly Holy Wombats were selling fast. "Your god is a squeezable huggable god," the tags said. Or, for the children's television broadcasts: "Wombat Wuvs Woo! Do Woo Wuv Wombat? Tell Wummy to buy some!"

Bambang smiled, and turned to look at the architectural drawings for the Casino of the Holy Wombat.

Offical Government Broadcast to the world:

[The Grand Lady is in full military uniform, knee high black jackboots, and bullwhip and machine gun on a three inch thick belt, the crowd cheers but grows quiet as she speaks]

"My glorious people of Khallaca II, today I stand before you to announce a new evil that exists in the world. That evil is the heretic false faith of Wombatism, yes there is now a religion that worships these odd fuzzy creatures from Australia. Now along with the evil and sin of Meta-Humans, Communists, Socialists, Union Workers, Liberals, Heathen Cults, Satan, and the Welsh we must reject the evil of Wombats or lose our place in heaven and in God's grace."

[Thousands of Wombats in tiny cages are piled onto a raised platform in the center of Heaven's Square, the crowd began to boo and hiss and spit on the creatures as they cried out in agony]

"To combat this evil all the known Wombats in Khallaca III will burn for their sins. Their flesh will be purified with fire and pain and if God is merciful they shall be allowed to enter heaven, Be it so."

[Several masked soldiers armed with flamethrowers dump oils all over the Wombats and then pour fiery death upon the Wombats/ as the Wombats scream in agony and in pain as they burn Claudia's voice rises over the cries of death]

"Let no one dare say that we allow evil to fester in our hearts as this is one example of the power of the Faithful over sin and evil! One Nation! One People! One Faith!"

[The Cheering of the crowd drowns out the last pitiful death cries of the Wombats as they turn to ash and dust]


Grand Lady Claudia Wulf
http://image.com.com/gamespot/images/2003/e32003/silenthill3_thumb018.jpg
The Armed Republic of Khallaca III
The Protectorate of St Vroda

Bambang Utoyo .. tax exempt status .. starting to add up the columns .. Cutesey Cuddly Holy Wombats were selling fast .. the Casino of the Holy Wombat.

Ahem. Tithes. Royalties. Licence fees. And other such unpleasant matters.

[Thousands of Wombats in tiny cages are piled onto a raised platform in the center of Heaven's Square, the crowd began to boo and hiss and spit on the creatures as they cried out in agony

OOC:

Ooooh, crispy critters!!!

IC:

In the news today, a seriously deranged woman decided to barbie a bunch of wombats. Where she got the wombats from, we have no idea. We asked the Holy Wombat to comment, but he was too pissed. We tracked down His Holiness Galah Ocker in the local dunny, who told us his was a pint, that the heathens would drown in their pints, and to bugger off and leave him alone on the crapper.

We'll be right back with the headlines after this break.

Party hearty and don't let the nutters get you down.

WN

To: The Holy Wombat, c/o Wombat News

My Lord,

It seems my underlings have neglected to send a royalty cheque to Your Greatness. I beg forgiveness for this error, committed by those less respectful of the faith.

I have a problem, however. Donations and other takings are in my country's currency, the loonie. The loonie is a convertible currency, but unfortunately can only be converted into other loonies. Perhaps You would enjoy a nice selection of ales? I can particularly recommend the Burung Bud Brew, a nice hoppy beer infused with marijuana.

Your grovelling servant,
Bambang Utoyo

tag, for a wave of Wombatism to hit in the near future...

I have a problem, however. Donations and other takings are in my country's currency, the loonie. The loonie is a convertible currency, but unfortunately can only be converted into other loonies. Perhaps You would enjoy a nice selection of ales? I can particularly recommend the Burung Bud Brew, a nice hoppy beer infused with marijuana.

TO: Bambang Utoyo, The Holy Wombat's Barman in Tanah Burung

FROM: Popon Arrope, Commercial Adviser to the Holy Wombat

We note with great sadness the difficulties being experienced by our Brothers in Wombat and are delighted to extend the hand of friendship to our fellow worshippers at the Bar of the Holy Wombat.

In this spirit of amity and in the light of the Holy Wombat, we accept in all humility the gracious offer of tithes of ale from the Diocese of Tanah Burung, which tithes, we are certain will bring great joy to our fellow worshippers in Australian Marsupials*. All deliveries should be marked for my attention, and I shall arrange delivery of said tithes to our local bars .. *ahem* .. places of worship.

In the Light of the Holy Wombat, we greet you.

Popon Arrope



*Wombat News is a corporation established under the laws of Australian Marsupials and is owned jointly by the Government of Australian Marsupials and the Holy Wombat. Wombat News, apart from its business of purveying the finest in news stories worldwide, is also responsible for the administration of the Church of the Holy Wombat, leaving the Holy Wombat and his Bruces and Sheilas free to follow the teachings of the Holy Wombat - Party Hearty!