NationStates Jolt Archive

http://www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/WC12%20logo.png

Pictures of all eighteen World Cup 12 stadia have been made available today in a ceremony in Kaza, Kaze Progressa.

The jewel in this glittering crown is the all-new Narrowhead Stadium, Lemsas City, Lemmitania, which will host the final. With a capacity of over 128,000 and a spectacular all-encompassing glass roof, this is a venue more than ready for the final.

[OOC: You can see the pictures by clicking on their names. Each one is about 150k - easy to load in isolation, hell to load together if you're on dialup.]

PROGRESSAN STADIA

Archway Stadium, Farela (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Archway%20Stadium,%20Farela.png)
Davilia Stadium, Maunlik (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Davilia%20Stadium,%20Maunlik.png)
Gateway Arena, Taqizerr (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Gateway%20Arena,%20Taqizerr.png)
Irafma Lakeside Arena, Quarua (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Irafma%20Lakeside%20Arena,%20Quarua.png)
The Kick Arena, Paninara (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/The%20Kick%20Arena,%20Paninara.png)
Progressair Stadium, Kaza (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Progressair%20Stadium,%20Kaza.png)
Read or Dead Arena, Pageas (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Read%20or%20Dead%20Arena,%20Pageas.png)
Sunshine Arena, Fildi (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Sunshine%20Arena,%20Fildi.png)
Warpnet Arena, Nortenai (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Warpnet%20Arena,%20Nortenai.png)
Westside Stadium, Gauralan (http://www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Westside%20Stadium,%20Gauralan.png)

LEMMITANIAN STADIA
Canned Lemming Amalgamate Stadium, Lemvoola (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Canned%20Lemming%20Amalgamate%20Stadium,%20Lemvoola.png)
Go Stadium, Lemago (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Go%20Stadium,%20Lemago.png)
Lemco City Municipal Stadium, Lemco City (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Lemco%20City%20Municipal%20Stadium,%20Lemco%20City.png)
Narrowhead Stadium, Lemsas City (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Narrowhead%20Stadium,%20Lemsas%20City.png)
National Stadium, Lemmington (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Lemmitania%20National%20Stadium,%20Lemmington.png)
Offshore Arena, Lemlanta (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/Offshore%20Arena,%20Lemlanta.png)
The LemmingTent, Lemmdelphia (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/The%20LemmingTent,%20Lemmdelphia.png)
The Shattered Stadium, Limmsburgh (www.freewebs.com/kazeprogressa/The%20Shattered%20Stadium,%20Limmsburgh.png)

Welcome to Out and About Lemmitania with your hosts, Phil Melton and Mick Lemlemore, the only weekly travelogue that takes you everywhere in Lemmitania you'd ever want to go. Tonight, the dynamic duo take you to lovely Lemvoola, Queen of the Midlands, in the first of a twelve-part series exploring the venues for the twelfth World Cup of football. From the banks of the Lohio to the Right Coast and beyond-- all the way to foreign Kaze Progressa-- you'll spend the next twelve weeks learning all the best travel tidbits about the cities that will be hosting matches in the World Cup finals.

<Theme music>

Phil: Hello everybody, and welcome back again to Out and About Lemmitania. Of course, with today's program we're beginning a very special series that will take us out, about, and even beyond our amazing country.

Mick: That's roight, we'll be 'eadin' all th' way to Kaze Progressa, markin' th' firs' time me an Phil 'ave ever done a broadcas' from foreign soil.

Phil: Should be exciting, to say the least. Today, though, we're in that great Midland city, Lemvoola, home of the Leemcats, the Leembats, the Leemrats, and the Lemvoola School of Broadcasting. Not to mention Union Station, the Contemporary Center for the Arts, the Treefront district, the University of Lemvoola (home of the Leembears), and old-fashioned steamboat rides on the Lohio.

Mick: An' the Can.

Phil: And Canned Lemming Amalgamated Stadium, a true work of cutting-edge architecture.

Mick: Or, as some would 'ave it, a big ol' can sittin' on some scrub by th' river.

Phil: The titanium roof was hailed by Lemmitanian Architecural Digest as a "sweeping statement of the Lohio's majesty."

Mick: Wotever.

Phil: "Like a bold cylinder rising from the ground, The Can punctures the Lemvoola skyline with a mirrored dash of pinache."

Mick: Where the 'ell do they get off writing shite like that? And wot's the matter wif you memorizin' it?

Phil: I try to prepare for the show, you know, by reading up on the place we're visiting.

Mick: Phoo. Wot a load.

Phil: What's a load?

Mick: Readin'!

Phil: I can't believe you said that! What an awful example to set!

Mick: Yep, tha's me. Settin' bad examples for th' li'le ones. Speakin' o' which, let's get down to th'important part o' th'programme. Where's the pubs?

Phil: First we're going to take a walking tour of the Treefront.

Mick: Oh, loik 'ell we are, Phil. We're 'ittin' the pubs an' gettin' good an' stonkered afore we go anywheres.

Phil: Sorry, Mick, we've already scheduled the walking tour. And seeing as it's a live show, you can't improvise.

Mick: Wull, now, firs' off, I'd say you've got thet roight backwards, Phil. Seein' as it's a live show I can't 'ardly 'elp but improvise. An' second off, stuff the walking tour o'th'Treefront. I'm pubbing.

Phil: Well, have fun, then.

Mick: An' you're comin' wif me!

Phil: The hell I am. Here comes Lemda. She'll be taking us around the Treefront, and showing us some of the significant points of interest.

Mick: Some of 'em better be pubs, tha's all I 'ave to say about it.

Phil: Come on, you.

Lemda: Hi! Phil, Mick, welcome to the Lemvoola Treefront District. I'm Lemda Longsteller, and I'll be taking you a little walking tour today that's going to take us past the old Treefront Stadium, through the Riverwalk, up through Brownstone Row, and we'll wind up by the old Meatpackery, which nowadays is one of Lemvoola's hottest nightspots.

Phil: Wow! Sounds like a whirlwind tour!

Lemda: Well, we'll only actually be covering about a mile and a half. The district's very compact.

Phil: Packed with history, though.

Lemda: It certainly is. And did you know, Phil, that there are over thirty species of trees making up the Treefront?

Phil: Really! Thirty species?

Lemda: There sure are. Among the most common are elm, Lemvoola oak, and slippery beechnut. There are also--

Mick: Excuse me, Lemda.

Lemda: Yes, Mick?

Mick: I 'ate to innerrupt, but I think I may 'ave spotted a pub up a'ead.

Phil: Where?

Mick: Right there.

Lemda: Sorry, Mick, but that's just a boarded-up storefront.

Mick: Oh. Seem to be a lot of those about.

Lemda: Yes, the District has been about fifty percent renovated. But many of the historical buildings are still in need of attention.

Mick: So that's a 'istorical buildin', is it?

Phil: Don't be sarcastic, Mick.

Mick: 'oo's bein' sarcastic? I'm jus' askin'.

Lemda: Nearly every building in the Treefront is over one hundred years old.

Mick: Wull, tha's old; that ain't necessarily 'istorical though, is it?

Phil: Now, we're coming right up on the historical Treefront Stadium, which is still home to the Leembats of the Lemmitanian Rugby Union. It's a beautiful arena in the old-time style.

Lemda: Treefront Stadium was build sixty-three years ago, and it's hosted over five hundred matches.

Mick: They thot of tearin' it down?

Lemda: It's currently scheduled for renovation after the next LRU season.

Mick: 'ave they got a pub inside it, by any chance?

Lemda: They sell beer, but only on game days.

Mick: Wull, that don't seem right. Prolly better tear the place down.

Phil: Enough of that, you. You get a great view of The Can from down here, Lemda.

Lemda: You sure do. It's the pride of Lemvoola, Phil.

Mick: 'ow wretched for you.

Phil: Shut your trap, Mick.

Mick: Oh look, a pub.

Lemda: That's Oovla. It's one of the many restaurants that have opened in the District the past few years.

Phil: There's been quite a culinary renaissance on the Treefront. Over thirty restaurants, many of them earning four stars, have opened their doors in the past five years.

Mick: So it's a pub, then?

Phil: It's a restaurant, Mick. She just said that.

Mick: But they serve beer.

Lemda: I think so.

Mick: Right. 'Ere's where we're stoppin', then.

Phil: No we're not, Mick.

Mick: You don't get a say in it. Come on.

Phil: We're not going into the restaurant-- hey! Leggo my hand!

Mick: Come on! We're gettin' a few beers, an' that's that!

Lemda: Um...

Phil: He does this kind of thing all the time. Just ignore him and go on with the tour.

Lemda: He seems to be dragging you across the street.

Phil: It's fine! It's fine! Mick, cut it out!

Mick: Not 'til we've 'ad a couple beers!

Phil: All right, fine. We're in the restaurant now, are you happy?

Mick: Will be shortly. Ah. 'Ello, miss, yes, a table for two. Oh, plus the cameraman, sure, sure. Table for three, then, or better yet make it a booth. Thanks.

Phil: Lemda's standing out there wondering what to do.

Mick: Let 'er wait.

Phil: I don't know...

Mick: Right. A pint o' Lemuiss all aroun', miss. An' then another pint after that.

Phil: Well, folks, here we are in Oovla, one of Lemvoola's trendy new restaurants. From the menu, I'd say they specialize in good old-fahsioned Midlands cuisine with a modern twist.

Mick: 'oo cares? 'Ere's the beer.

Phil: Oh, thanks.

Mick: Ah, lurvely, lurvely. You moight's well turn off the camera while yer drinkin' there, bub.

Phil: If he turns off the camera, it's the end of the show.

Mick: From Lemvoola, this 'as been Mick an' Phil on Out an' About Lemmitania. Good day.

Out and About Lemmitania
with your hosts, Phil Melton and Mick Lemlemore

<Theme music>

Phil: Hello! Tonight on Out and About Lemmitania, we’ll be continuing our series exploring the cities playing host to matches in the World Cup of football. We’re here in sunny Lemlanta to take a look at the brand-new Offshore Stadium that critics said could never be built; and the watefront district that’s sprung up opposite. Mick, Lemlanta’s long been considered somewhat of a suburban paradise.

Mick: The sprawl wos so thick, they couldn’t find noplace to build a new arena.

Phil: That’s just a rumor.

Mick: Sure it is.

Phil: My point was just that unlike many Lemmitanian cities, Lemlanta’s never really had a centralized structure. No downtown or waterfront to speak of; instead it’s based around a number of industrial and commercial centers.

Mick: Industrial parks an’ office parks, you mean. An’ strip-malls.

Phil: Not a major tourist Mecca, Lemlanta’s been ranked one of the most livable cities in Lemmitania continuously for the past thirty years. The population’s grown steadily, from a few hundred thousand fifty years ago to over two million today. And that growth has meant a literal growth for the city as well, as it’s expanded into an area making it the single largest municipality in the nation.

Mick: An wif nothin’ to show for it.

Phil: The Lemlantan Sports Commission was founded fifteen years ago to try to bring big-ticket teams to this southern city. Of course, any plan to bring a team would necessitate building a stadium.

Mick: An’ buildin’ a stadium means ‘avin’ a place to do it wot ain’t already occupied by ‘ousin tracts.

Phil: It took several years to find a suitable location, because there was no centralized place to put it.

Mick: Because there was no room[i/] for it, you mean.

Phil: So the city planners came up with the brilliant-- and some said crazy-- idea of putting the stadium [i]offshore, and creating a waterfront to go with it. It took two years to sink a foundation into the sandy seafloor two hundred meters off the coast, and another year to build the stadium on top and the monorail and footbridges. And now, here we are. It’s really an impressive structure.

Mick: Looks loik an oil well.

Phil: It look nothing like an oil well.

Mick: Sure it do. Loik a big offshore oil pla’form.

Phil: It looks like... well, like a brand new, state-of-the-art stadium floating on the waves.

Mick: Wot a stupid idea.

Phil: The Sydney Opera House would probably be a more apt comparison.

Mick: Wot!? You’re crazy! It ain’t nuffin’ loik th’Sydney Opera ‘ouse!

Phil: Not the shape of it, but the effect.

Mick: Never!

Phil: It’s more like that than like an oil derrick.

Mick: Wull, anyway, ‘oo cares? Let’s ‘it th’pubs.

Phil: One interesting point, as we board the monorail, is that the stadium is completely inaccessible to motor traffic. Although automobiles have been legal in Lemmitania for nearly twenty years, now, it was decided that parking should be completely onshore, and deliveries made by boat. You get a nice view as we cross over the the mainland here, of the forty meter piers on the north side of the stadium platform. You can boat out to it, and slips are available for daily use and long-term lease. There are also ferries that run from several mainland points.

Mick: They serve beer on th’ferries?

Phil: I don’t know. Perhaps.

Mick: ‘Cause I notice there ain’t no concessions on this ‘ere train.

Phil: No, there are not.

Mick: But I think I c’n see some pubs comin’ at us.

Phil: As we glide into the Waterfont station, you can see the pristine new boardwalk and the entertainment complex. Lemlanta’s famous for having an uninviting, rocky shoreline, and over a thousand tons of sand had to be brought in to create the half-mile beach.

Mick: Where’d they get all the sand, I’d like to know.

Phil: There’s sand all over the place.

Mick: Oh yeh?

Phil: Yeah.

Mick: Name one place.

Phil: The sea floor?

Mick: I don’t see any sand there.

Phil: Well, you can’t actually see the sea floor.

Mick: Wull, that’s a point, there. Now, one of the mos’ innerestin’ parts of Lemlanta is this ‘ere row of sports-themed pubs wot they built... right over ‘ere.

Phil: We’re going down the boardwalk first.

Mick: No, I don’t think so.

Phil: We’re taking a look at the boutiques and the entertainment complex.

Mick: ‘oo wants to see that rot?

Phil: Anyone thinking of travelling to Lemlanta!

Mick: Ain’t nobody travellin’ to Lemlanta, Phil.

Phil: What about the fifty thousand visitors expected for the World Cup?

Mick: They’ll wanna know which pubs are best.

Phil: They’ll want to know where to go for entertainment!

Mick: Wull, I c’n aswer that one, easy. Right ‘ere’s a good place.

Phil: Come on, we’re going this way.

Mick: Nope, we’re goin’ in this ‘ere bar.

Phil: Let go of my hand! You can’t do this every week.

Mick: We’ll see in a couple more weeks.

Phil: We’re going that way.

Mick: So drag me that way, then.

Phil: All right, I will!

Mick: Hah! I’ve got twenny kilos on you, Phil. You ain’t draggin’ me nowheres.

Phil: Fine. Fine then, have it your way. Another episode of Out and About Lemmitania ends with a drinking binge.

Mick: ‘ooray! Anyroad, that’s wot the people wanna see.

Phil: I doubt it.

Mick: They keep tunin’ in.

Phil: We’ll see.

Out and About Lemmitania
with Phil Melton and Mick Lemlemore

<Theme music>

Phil: Welcome once again to Out and About Lemmitania, coming to you live today from Lemmadelphia, the “City of Lemming Love.” We’re here on the North Side, on the campus of Lemple University, just across the road from the Lemming Tent. It’s the third in our series of visits to World Cup Twelve host cities, and today we’ll be taking a look at one of the most remarkable venues in the nation.

Mick: Truly one of th’mos’ remarkable, Phil. It’s loik a big bloody sailboat.

Phil: Or a tent.

Mick: Or, as you say, a tent. Though whoiy anyone would erect a tent capable o’seatin’ eighty thousand’ people is wot they call an enigma wrapped in a stupid idear.

Phil: It’s a stunning example of cutting-edge architecture. Looks rather like the Sydney Opera House, when seen from the south.

Mick: There you go again wif’ th’Sydney Opera ‘ouse! Wot’s with you an th’Sydney Opera ‘ouse, I’d loik t’know?

Phil: There’s a resemblance.

Mick: Wull, I s’pose there is, at that. But only from the outside.

Phil: The tight-woven Neolemprolene sheets that make up the ‘tent’ structure are over thirty meters on a side, and each one weighs almost half a ton. They’re completely watertight and weather resistant; they keep out the rain and the direct sun, but let in the fresh air. The whole design is an engineering marvel.

Mick: Oh yeh, it’s a marvel. Whoy a tent?

Phil: It’s unique. It has visual appeal. It’s effective as a weather shield.

Mick: Now, one theory I’ve ‘eard is that the folks livin’ on the North Side of Lemmadelphia are nomads.

Phil: Nomads? You think the stadium’s resemblance to a tent is because the people living in the neighborhood are descendants of nomads?

Mick: No, I jus’ mean thet they tore down about eight blocks of low-income ‘ousin’ to build the wretched thing, an’ now all those displaced people are nomads. Wandrin’ the streets of Lemmadelphia loik a los’ tribe.

Phil: They were all relocated.

Mick: Sure they were.

Phil: Now, Lemmadelphia’s probably best known as the birthplace of Lemmitanian democracy: the original Constitutional Convention took place at Lemming Hall; it’s the home of the Lemming Bell, with its famous cracked pate; and of course, the Declaration of Lemdependence was penned here.

Mick: In a pub.

Phil: Not in a pub.

Mick: Absolutely in a pub. Don’t go tryin’ to lie to the people ‘bout ‘istory, Phil.

Phil: As the story goes, Lemjamin Franklin and Thomas Lemmerson thought up the opening lines over a pint of lager. That doesn’t mean that the Declaration was written in a pub.

Mick: Oh, it wos writ in a pub, all right.

Phil: Back to my point, most of the things people tend to associate with Lemmadelphia are right downtown on the mall.

Mick: Makes it convenient for the tourists, wot?

Phil: Yes, it does. But the Lemming Tent is up here, three miles away. But easily accessible to downtown by Lemmadelphia Light Rail.

Mick: Or the “Septic,” as they call the trains ‘ere.

Phil: There’s been a major effort these past few years to clean up the trains. In fact, ridership is up nearly a hundred percent from four years ago.

Mick: Wull you won’t catch me on ‘em.

Phil: No? Why not?

Mick: ‘Cause I’ve got everythin’ I need roight ‘ere.

Phil: Do you?

Mick: Many people ‘ave noted that th’primary advantage of locatin’ th’Lemming Tent ‘ere nex’ to Lemple U is its proximity to about eight ‘unnerd campus pubs an’ nightspots.

Phil: Ah, yes. Of course. The bars.

Mick: An’ if you get peckish whoile yer drinkin’, all you ‘ave to do is step across the road to campus. Lemmadelphia’s famous for its vast assortment of wunnerful lunch carts, an’ nowhere in the city are they as prevalent as roight ‘ere at Lemple. You c’n get anythin’ from a Lemmy Cheselemmingsteak to dim sum, falafel to sketty. It’s loik a ‘uge bloody smorgasbord.

Phil: Well, there’s just one problem with that.

Mick: Yeh? Wot?

Phil: The lunch carts close up around three in the afternoon.

Mick: Yeh? So?

Phil: Many people do their drinking a little later in the day. Say, in the evening. Maybe after work.

Mick: Phoo! Drinkin’ after work is for suckers an’ pansies.

Phil: Pansies!? Did I just hear you say pansies?

Mick: If you were listenin’, you did.

Phil: That’s a bit of the pot calling the kettle black, isn’t it?

Mick: Wot?!

Phil: Most people use ‘pansy’ to deride gay men for being effeminate, Mick.

Mick: Who’re you callin’ effeminate, Phil? You want I should kick your arse to show you ‘ow masculine I am?

Phil: I want you should watch the homophobic slurs.

Mick: ‘ow the ‘ell can I be ‘omophobic when I’m gay, then?

Phil: How the hell can you go around calling anyone a pansy when you’re gay?

Mick: I jus’ calls ‘em loik I sees ‘em. Drinkin’ beer is a manly activity, wot all manly men should be engaged in. All the time. Those wot don’t-- or ‘oo can’t ‘old their own-- I call pansies.

Phil: That’s stupid.

Mick: Not drinkin’ beer is wot’s stupid.

Phil: Saying that not drinking beer is stupid, is stupid too.

Mick: Wull, you c’n be stupid if you wanna be, Phil. I’m gonna go ‘ave me a beer.

Phil: Fine. Go on, then.

Mick: Wot, ain’t you comin’ with me?

Phil: We still have a show to do!

Mick: We can do th’show from inside the pub, can’t we?

Phil: Well, being in a pub has never stopped us from finishing the show before. Oh, wait. Yes it has.

Mick: Foine, then, th’show c’n end. It’s time for a beer.

Phil: It’s half past one!

Mick: Good! Then the lunch carts’ll still be open after we’ve ‘ad a few. Come on.

Phil: Oh no you don’t. Not again.

Mick: Come on, Phil.

Phil: You’re not dragging me into another bar, Mick!

Mick: Oh yeh? ‘Cause I’d ‘ave said it looks loik I am draggin’ you into another bar.

Phil: Help! Help!

Mick: Look, the cameraman ain’t even crossin’ the road with us.

Phil: That’s because of the traffic!

Mick: Wull, anyroad, in a sec we’ll reach the end of our mic cords an’ then--

Out and About Lemmitania
with Phil Melton and Mick Lemlemore

<Theme music>

Phil: Hello and welcome to Out and About Lemmitania. We’re your hosts, I’m Phil Melton.

Mick: And I’m Mick Lemlemore.

Phil: And today we’re in beautiful Lemmington, the Capitol City, where you can see in the bay behind us the Statue of Lemming Radicalism, one of the most recognizable symbols of Democracy in the world.

Mick: An’ ‘ere we stan’ in the shadow of the Lemmington Phallus, a tribute to George Lemmington, firs’ Governor-General of this fine democracy-thingy we live in, ‘ere.

Phil: That’s the Lemmington Monument.

Mick: It’s a monument to ‘is prick, mebbe.

Phil: You can’t say that on the air!

Mick: Whoy the ‘ell not?

Phil: This is a family show.

Mick: So wot? Family members don’t know Governor-General Lemmington ‘ad a prick?

Phil: They don’t want to hear you talking about it.

Mick: Wull, excuse the ‘ell out of me. I ain’t the one ‘oo built a monument to the fellow in the shape of ’is erect penis.

Phil: It’s an obelisk, for crying out loud! One of the most common forms in classical architecture.

Mick: It’s a three-’undred-meter-tall prick, is wot it is. Any bloody fool c’n see that.

Phil: I’m not going to argue with you about it. Just stop calling it that, okay?

Mick: Stop callin’ it wot?

Phil: You know what to stop calling it.

Mick: The Lemmington Phallus, you mean?

Phil: Yes!

Mick: Okay. Sorry, I di’n’t know you were so sensitive about penises, Phil.

Phil: Hmmph.

Mick: Heh heh.

Phil: So, here we are in Lemmington, for the fourth in our series of programs devoted to the cities hosting matches in the finals of the twelfth World Cup of football. Games will be held in the National Stadium, uptown, which was built some twenty years ago as a venue for the seventh World Cup. It should be interesting to see the Cup return to the National Stadium, though this time around, the championship will take place in Lemsas City.

Mick: Stupid idea, that. ‘oo thot of that one?

Phil: I believe that Lemsas City bid for it. Along with Lemlanta, and Kaza, in Kaze Progressa.

Mick: Wull, I c’n see puttin’ th’final in Lemsas City instead of Lemlanta. I mean, Lemlanta ain’t even properly a city. But ‘ow’d Lemsas beat out Kaza?

Phil: I have no idea. I’m not really up on the thinking of the World Cup Hosting Committee.

Mick: I mean, nuffin’ agains’ Lemsas City, but it ain’t exac’ly an innerestin’ place to be, is it? Just yer typical nondescrip’ Midlands city, wot?

Phil: There are plenty of interesting things in Lemsas City. And we’ll be exploring some of them in two weeks.

Mick: Wull, that oughta be an excitin’ episode. You know wot we should do instead?

Phil: What?

Mick: Go pub-’oppin’. In a city of your choice.

Phil: If I know you, we’ll end up going pub-hopping anyway. So I choose Lemsas City.

Mick: All roight. I’m sure they ‘ave beer there.

Phil: Actually, I think that Lemsas County is dry.

Mick: WOT?!

Phil: Heh heh. Gotcha.

Mick: Oh, man, thet was a mean one, Phil. Whoo! Be still, me ‘eart. Think I almos’ ‘ad a coronary, there.

Phil: Take deep breaths. There, your color is beginning to return.

Mick: After a scare loik that, I need a beer.

Phil: We haven’t even started talking about Lemmington yet. No beer for you.

Mick: Wot the ‘ell is there to say about Lemmington? It’s the mos’ overexposed place in Lemmitania. Ninety percen’ of the TV shows take place ‘ere. Everybody knows somebody wot lives in Lemmington. I say we skip the borin’ bits and get on wif th’drinkin’.

Phil: Let’s at least walk by the Capitol first.

Mick: On th’way to th’pub, you mean?

Phil: Well, I meant on the way to famous Lemmington Square.

Mick: Oh, I don’t think there’s no pubs on Lemmington Square, Phil. Unless it’s changed a lot since the las’ time I was there.

Phil: Well, why don’t we walk over and see?

Mick: Say, lookee there. A pub we almos’ passed roight by.

Phil: It’s still three blocks to the Capitol. We can’t stop here.

Mick: Can’t or Phil don’t want to?

Phil: Can’t.

Mick: Is that your theory, then, Phil? ‘Cause I’d loik to test it out, scientifically.

Phil: We’re not testing any theories about pubs. We’re going to the Capitol.

Mick: It don’t look loik we are.

Phil: Leggo! Leggo, leggo, leggo of my hand!

Mick: Looks loik your theory that we can’t stop at this ‘ere pub is provin’ incorrect, Phil. Mebbe you should rework it.

Phil: Dan, help me! He’s dragging me in!

Mick: ‘oo’s this ‘Dan’ you’re appealin’ to fer ‘elp?

Phil: The cameraman!

Mick: Oh, ‘e’s roight with us. See? ‘oldin’ the door open mos’ obligingly. An’ signallin’ ‘that’s a wrap,’ if I unnerstand ‘is gesture there. For Out an’ About Lemmitania, this ‘as been Mick Lemlemore an’ Phil Melton. With someone named Dan operatin’ the camera. Reportin’ loive from F-Street Bar an’ Grille, we’re done for th’day.

Out and About Lemmitania
with Phil Melton and Mick Lemlemore

<Theme music>

Phil: Thank you for joining us once again on Out and About Lemmitania, your guide to all the best that travelling in our country has to offer. Today we’re in Lemmitania’s second city, Lemago, the lakefront metropolis. We’ll be strolling the Lemoop, making a stop along the Gold Coast, and poking our heads in at the Lemminnegie Library. It’s the fifth in our series of visits to World Cup Twelve venues, and so we’ll be winding it up at lovely Go Field on the lakefront.

Mick: When people think of Lemago, they think blues, they think improv comedy, and of course, they think beer. So we’ll also be--

Phil: What do you mean, they think beer?

Mick: Seemed loik a pretty clear staement to me, Phil.

Phil: Who associates Lemago with beer?

Mick: Me an’ every other roight-thinkin’ Lemmitananian.

Phil: No they don’t. You’ve just got beer on the brain.

Mick: I don’t deny ‘avin’ beer on me brain. An’ ‘oose this ‘they’ to ‘oom you refer?

Phil: The right-thinking Lemmitanians.

Mick: Wot, you’re sayin’ roight-thinkin’ Lemmitananians don’t associate Lemago wif beer?

Phil: That’s what I’m saying.

Mick: You know wot that is, Phil? Tha’s ‘eresy.

Phil: You’re crazy! Why would anyone associate Lemago with beer?

Mick: Wull... thay ‘ave beer ‘ere, don’t they?

Phil: Of course they have.

Mick: An’ there you go, then.

Phil: Is there anyplace you don’t associate with beer?

Mick: Um... I’m not sure I unnerstan’ the question, Phil.

Phil: It’s a straightforward question.

Mick: I unnerstood the words you said, I just don’t get, loik, conceptually, wot you mean by ‘anyplace I don’t associate wif beer.’ You mean, loik, someplace where I stop thinkin’ about beer when I go there?

Phil: I mean someplace you go that doesn’t make you think of beer.

Mick: Tha’s wot I jus’ said.

Phil: No it’s not.

Mick: It is.

Phil: Look, we’ve already walked the entire Lemoop while we were arguing about beer, and now we’re turning the corner onto Lakeside Drive. We missed an entire segment of the show.

Mick: Wot’s more important: tellin’ people about the Lemoop or straightenin’ out this misunderstandin’ about beer?

Phil: Some might say, telling people about the Lemoop.

Mick: Wull, they’d be fools. Wot’s to say about the Lemoop wot people don’t already know? Folks, if you’ve ever seen a telly show set in Lemago, you’ve seen the Lemoop about forty million times. An’ now you’ve jus’ seen it again. Woohoo! Lemmichigan friggin’ avenue.

Phil: The Lemagoans aren’t going to appreciate your sarcasm.

Mick: I’ll buy ‘em a beer an’ they’ll chill out.

Phil: So here we are strolling beautiful Lakeside Drive, the Gold Coast as it’s known, and you can see stretching into the distance ahead of us a row of the most expensive high-rise apartment buildings outside Lemmington itself.

Mick: Beautiful. Makes you want a beer.

Phil: How so?

Mick: I wos jus’ makin’ a point.

Phil: The point being that everything makes you want a beer.

Mick: Not jus’ me.

Phil: Yeah, okay. Everybody wants beer all the time. Whatever.

Mick: Every roight-thinkin body, anyroad. An’ seein’ stuff, you know, sort o’ reminds you thet you ain’t drinkin’ one.

Phil: Uh huh.

Mick: An’ it makes you sort o’ sad.

Phil: Not drinking beer makes you sad?

Mick: A li’le.

Phil: Well, that makes me sad.

Mick: I’m touched that you care about me beerpression, Phil.

Phil: Of course I care. And what the hell is ‘beerpression?’

Mick: Depression brought on by lack of beer, of course.

Phil: Ah.

Mick: Beer... pression. Kind of obvious, that.

Phil: It could have been beer oppression, too.

Mick: Beer oppression? Wot would beer oppression be?

Phil: When beer oppresses you, I suppose.

Mick: Don’t be ridiculous! Beer is the Great Liberator. It ain’t never oppressed nobody.

Phil: Now as we come up on Fifth Street, where we’ll be turning to head back towards the Lemminnegie Library, you can see the top of Go Field over the roadway partition. We’ll actually be taking a footbridge under the roadway from the courtyard behind the library, which is how Lemagoans in the know get across Riverside Drive from the Fifth Street El stop.

Mick: You know wot, Phil? All this talk about footbridges an’ libraries makes me think we might oughtta stop for a bit an’ freshen up.

Phil: You want to go into the library to use the restroom?

Mick: Wot? Why would I want to do that?

Phil: To freshen up.

Mick: ‘oo drinks beer in a library restroom?

Phil: No one, I hope. So by ‘freshen up’ you meant, ‘drink beer.’

Mick: Of course. Wot else would I ‘ave meant.

Phil: Most people use ‘freshen up’ to mean ‘get cleaned up,’ or ‘go to the bathroom.’

Mick: You don’t know me very well if you don’t know I mean ‘drink beer’ when I say ‘freshen up,’ Phil.

Phil: Actually, I know you extremely well. All too well, it sometimes seems.

Mick: ‘ere’s a loikly place.

Phil: Of course it is. It has a Leimmekin sign in the window.

Mick: That means they sell beer.

Phil: I get that.

Mick: In we go.

Phil: If we must.